I'm tired, very very tired, physically. I spent more than half the day today sleeping, to regain whatever energy I've lost. I can't be sure that I'd regained my energy back, cos my whole body is aching everywhere from silat training yesterday! My shoulders, my back, my arms, my thighs.... There were signs that my tendonitis might act up again, so I quickly applied the Fastum gel on the tendon area at the back of my ankles. Sapuan is very dangerous, to me at least.

I learned alot during silat yesterday. I think because now my heart is in it, that's why. Learned shuffling, learned more combos to earn points quickly, IF the opponent is not quick enough. I need to be more lightfooted, and be quick in planning and executing combos. Practice makes perfect!

And... I'd be missing 2-3 silat sessions next week and the following week. :(

But I'll be elsewhere learning other things. Not that I'll be having jolly good time. I'll be at... Persantren Kilat, organised by MHDS. I feel reluctant telling people I'm attending this, when they ask why I'd be away next week. Perhaps because of the different kinds of responses I got. It's a wide range of responses from very positive to very negative. 0_o

I have people who almost jumped up and down shouting, "You get to go?! Wah, bestnyer! I love the Ustaz! Ustaz best! Camp pon mesti best. But I can't go, my mum say the duration is too long..."

I have people who looked calm but said, "I heard it's very good. More on the 'intellectual' side, but good nevertheless."

I have people who looked indifferent and say, "Oh ok. I'm not sure I can go... see how."

I have people who went, "Alar... Kau pergi persantren ni kau takbleh join kitorang seh..."

I have people who exclaimed, "Hah??? Why are you wasting your money?"

I also have people laughing at me and asking, "Why are you going there at all?"

Well.... I'm confused. But yeah, just from this experience, you can see how people differ so much from each other. Primarily due to the principles/beliefs that they hold on to, the experiences that they've had, the knowledge that they've obtained and such. These responses just reminded me that I have so many different kinds of people surrounding me, and I have to mind how I am with them such that I don't offend them, yet still being myself such that I'm not a hypocrite. It really does boil down to the principles that I myself hold on to, the experience that I myself have had, and the knowledge that I myself had obtained. Right now, really I am confused. I have no idea how to react. So I just smile and nod. it's kind of a reflex action nowadays :S

What I know is that, ever since I heard Far'ain attending persantren and reading about persantren in Musafir Cinta, I'd been superbly curious what is it. I was ready to go to Indonesia to experience it, and I was ready to face whatever goes on in a persantren, JUST IN CASE it goes against my principles/belief system. However, I never did find out a reliable source for a persantren. Besides I have no idea how to tell my parents I'd be disappearing to some part of Indonesia for some religious thing that they've never heard (they don't know what is a persantren, even now I think) for like more than a week alone.

I did bring this up to my mum, referring to the persantren as some kind of short-term madrasah, and she allowed if I go with a sister.

Then... I heard about Persantren Kilat on facebook. And straightaway I signed up for it. Without even telling my parents first (but since it's in Singapore, I knew they should be ok with it, especially if I pay on my own, and I don't miss my madrasah --> penting youuu. they're used to me telling them last minute that I have an upcoming camp at this place, from what day to what day, and I'm going with so and so. I only ask for permission if it's overseas.)

Nevertheless I was worried. (Always first on my worry list is the sanitary condition of the place, but I'd been to the mosque once and I liked it, so it wasn't firstr on my worry list this time, except to wonder how I'd share that 4 cubicles or so with about 50 other sisters, since they're targetting 100 pax in total.) I was worried that I'm the oldest, that I'd find it a bore to go through the ta'alim/classes, that I'm alone (since none of my friends seem to be going, and most of the participnts that replied to the facebook invite seems to know each other through previous MHDS activities), that I'd be too tired to go through everything (I'd never been to a camp 7 days long! Normally, at the end of a 3-day camp, I'd spend the whole of the next day sleeping. I tire easily. Partly the reason why I take hostel...) Then the initial worry about the persantren having activities against my principles also started to settle in, knowing that I still lack the knowledge to truly differentiate from what is right and what is wrong.

Now that it is roughly only 12hrs away from the camp, I don't know what to think about.

What I'm really thinking about right now is that I've yet to pack my bag, yet to finish studying for my Arab exams this Sunday, yet to do the GESL reflections due end of the year, yet to alot of other outstanding tasks larh!

And I'd be missing silat... and fatayaats usrah, and fatayaats gathering and tathmin mibarrat... :( I'm giving up alot eh for this persantren... I really hope that I shall become a better Muslimah at the end of 7 days. That I'd somehow be a more disciplined, healthier Muslimah, with more friends, more experiences, more knowledge... all in the hope of achieving the main purpose of my journey here on earth. Mardhatillah... InsyaAllah. This shall be my niat. Niat is the spark. Niat determines the deed. Yet a good niat does not make a bad approach good... A reminder to myself, and everyone else.

I'm afraid I'd have to tanding for the tri-uni friendlies on 4th Jan @ SMU... High probability that I'd be chosen, considering that I seem to be the only freshie in Class B (overweight! overweight! need to watch it!) and I attended Tuesday's and yesterday's training.... scared scared scared!

Till then, I'm scared of my NIE results, and my new sem's timetable. *groans*

I should go pray, eat, iron clothes, pack bag, read Arab notes and sleeeeeeep 'early'.

Good night and have a nice week ahead!

P.S. Thanks Jun for the ride home yesterday. It feels exhiliratingly good on a bike :D
P.S.S. I watched Avatar at the movies just now. Liked it. Except for the foreign language, the violence, the Eywa rituals and belief system and the... ahem. (Teringat Ust Noor nye talk during NEMC qiyam about media...). But still, guess it's a nice alternative after watching New Moon. You may wanna skip the 3D, unless you're watching on the biggest screen. A small screen doesn't make much difference, except for the no. of bucks left in your pocket, hehe.