I just heard more about the silat team about the friendlies with NYP. OMG, it seems like everyone got injured! Ok, this is making me freak out and not wanna go silat anyway. If friendlies dah cam gini, IVP camne seh! Scary!!

I already get into my own set of mishaps and getting fever every once in awhile without going to silat, kalau gi silat lagi tak tau camne...

But each time I miss a training (which has been soooooo many btw) my heart aches. I miss silat, I miss the people! At the same time, I can't fight my fears strong enough...

I tore my silat pants at Ubin anyway.... Ok, ALASAN ni semua!!

Haiz, disappointed with myself. So much for 'No retreat, no surrender'.... :(

To all those who got injured during the friendlies, I pray that they get well soon... Exams are around the corner. A healthy body and mind is definitely very much needed...

I'm motivated!!!

I'm motivated to revise. I'm motivated to restart memorizing the Qur'an. I'm motivated to improve my solat. I'm motivated to keep my room clean as much as possible. I'm motivated to restart reading my Islamic books!

Apart from that, I am more or less motivated to spearhead the programmes planning for FOC... I've started doing SOMETHING at least... The ukhuwwah between us that got strengthened from the layang2 making, the shooting, the chalet and the carnival really helps :) I love these people, though I've yet to regard them as how I regard my Fityan peeps like family, well except for Amirah whom I've regarded as a sister. Somehow I regard her as an older sister, eventhough I'm the older one hehe...

But I've yet to find the motivation to go silat. Jun, I need you! I'm still scared to go silat. It is fun actually, but I dunno why I'm just so scared. Not to mention, my inner self keep telling me, "Why aren't you quitting silat yet? You would have extra 3hrs each week for studies and/or religion. Didn't you say you're just there to get the experience? Haven't you had enough experience already???" Hmmm.... These thoughts are so not helping larhhhhh...

Anyway, part of my motivation seems to stem from rewatching Huan Zhu Ge Ge (with English subtitles, wheeeee~!). The devotion and respect that the servants give to Huang Shang should be many many times multiplied by me as a servant to the King of the Universe, Allah. And Zi Wei and Yong Qi's poetry reading makes me look back at the Qur'an and appreciate the artistic language used. Their ability to memorize so many poems makes me wanna memorize the Qur'an.

The part about their wu gong skills did not rub off on me in terms of silat though, haha... Oh well...

All in all, I enjoyed my one week break very much, and I guess it's time to move ahead into the second part of the sem and do well in the different aspects of my life! My 21st year :))))

It's 2am in the morn! And I haven't done much! I've bathed, cleaned my room and washed my clothes (haven't hang out to dry though)... But I haven't started on my schoolwork! I wanted to finish my Chem report! And my FOC prog minutes... :(

I took almost an hour just reading my emails, woAH!

I'm giving silat a miss tmr. My roomie is quitting silat (padahal I was the one, who from the start has been contemplating over and over again whether to quit silat or not haha, and right now she is so tempting me to quit as well... My purpose of joining was partly to try something new, which I did, and I never planned to stay long anyway, I would definitely quit when I end NIE, longest would be 8 years down the road uh...) tmr.

It's 7 days away... Getting closer to death *gasp*

I have FOC prog minutes due tmr night, I have a short meet with Head of Publicity on Friday afternoon, I have a Chem lab report due on Friday, I have meeting on Friday night, I have 3 things going on this Sat (Kak Faiezah's wedding, madrasah friends' outing, FOC gathering to make kuih layang2 all at about the same timing), I have madrasah on Sunday, I have ICT essay/lesson-plan due on Monday, I have FOC prog meet on Monday afternoon, I have ALS Statement of topic due on Tuesday, I have FOC general meeting on Wednesday night, I have NTU-MI silat friendlies next Thursday, I have another Chem lab report due next Friday *stones*

And right now I am super sleepy... I hope tmr will be a better day, a more fruitful day... I end class at 11.30am, I have 12hrs to do work?

We'll see...

Btw I attended NTUMS's Monthly Dose of Islam just now. The speaker was Ustaz Asmadi Ahmad, principal of the Young Khulafa' Institute, who happened to be the ex-president of NTUMS back in 1992.... He's a good speaker, and I feel that he presented very well on the topic given, "Death as Hikmah"... Great reminders :))) I need them...

I am using the comp at school library, slouching with my head resting on the back of the chair as I type this. Jatuhan yesterday was horrible! Not only could I not execute them properly, I woke up this morning with a very badly aching back and shoulders. And just as I thought I could sleep in to shut the pain away, I had to attend meeting with NIE Foundations Programmes Office (FPO) at 10.30am, awwww....

Meeting the FPO to settle dates and venues for FOC make Fityan camps seem relatively so easy to conduct now haha. After meeting FPO, need to meet NTU Student Affairs Office (SAO) next. *groans*

Then need to come back as a team and finalise which date to take, and what are the implications: clash with another camp or too close to Ramadhan, or in Ramadhan itself, or YOG, or school practicum, woOoOaAaH...

K, I'm just shagged larh, to the point of burning out. I'd been resisting, keep going on and on and push to the very limits... Been stretchingggggggg those limits.

But then again, it's mind over matter. What is the limit? Isn't the limit just a line which YOU yourself draw? There really isn't a limit until you put one yourself.

I may just take a break for one whole day and shut down, hoping that when I restart, all the unsaved data will be recovered. If they don't, then no choice but to start all over again lorh.

The symptoms are here already: not bothering to reply smses, lazying around in the room and end up sleeping instead of doing work, falling back to sleep before 8am and waking up late, eating everything I set my eyes on and feeling like vomiting back everything after that.

Urgh, 8.30am class tmr. Haven't finish tutorial ehk. I had to force myself to do half of it while waiting for silat yesterday, and this morning, I had to force myself to do my laundry, afterwhich the clothes are all in a pail in my room waiting for me to get home to hang them out, cos I woke up late just now.

Having a fever and flu right now. It'll probably be better by Maghrib... And since I have 8.30am class tmr, I'd probably get the fever and flu back, and since class ends early, I might feel better, unless GESL is such a chore. I'm considering whether to go silat tmr or not. We may be having friendlies with MI end of this month, and with NUS probably Mar/Apr. And since I'm not in seni, I'm 1 out of the 6 girls who're purely in tanding, high chance I'd need to tanding in the friendlies.

It's getting extremely cold in here, making the fever and flu worst, so I'd better get out now, and hope to get some work done. Finish that tutorial! Then I'll leave the computer work tmr. Brrrr...

Looking forward to Saturday with Fityan. Still can't decide whether to go IRCC Interfaith talk or not. It be a good time to find a corner for a nap... But they still need 6 more people... Dunno larh!

Saw this on Liyana's tumblr...

Seandainya telah engkau catatkan
Dia akan menjadi teman dalam menapaki hidup
Satukan hatinya dengan hatiku….
Titipkanlah kebahagiaan diantara kami
Agar kemesraan itu abadi
dan…ya ALLAH ya Tuhanku yang maha mengasihi
Seiringkanlah kami melayani hidup ini
Ketepian yang sejahtera dan abadi
Tetapi ya ALLAH…
Seandainya telah Engkau takdirkan…
… dia bukan milikku…
Bawalah ia jauh dari pandanganku…
luputkanlah ia dari ingatanku
Ambillah kebahagiaan ketika dia ada di sisiku
Dan peliharalah aku dari kekecewaan
Serta ya ALLAH ya Tuhanku yang maha mengerti
Berikan aku kekuatan
Melontarkan bayangan jauh ke dada langit
Hilang bersama senja nan merah
Agar ku bisa berbahagia walaupun tanpa bersama
Dengannya….
Dan ya ALLH yang tercinta…
Gantikanlah yang telah hilang
Tumbuhkanlah kembali yang telah patah
Walaupun tidak sama dengannya
ya ALLAH ya… Tuhanku…
Pasrahkanlah aku dengan takdirmu
Sesungguhnya apa yang telang Engkau takdirkan
Adalah yang terbaik buatku…
Karena Engkau maha mengetahui
Segala yang terbaik buat hamba-Mu ini…
ya… ALLAH ….
Cukupkanlah Engkau saja yang menjadi pemeliharaku
Didunia dan di akhirat
Dengarkanlah rintihan dari hamba-Mu yang daif ini….
Jangan biarkan aku sendirian
Di dunia dan di akhirat
Menjuruskan aku kearah kemaksiatan dan kemungkaran
Maka karuniakan aku seorang pasangan yang beriman
Supaya aku dan dia dapat membina kesejahteraan hidup
Ke jalan yang Engkau ridhoi
Dan karuniakanlah padaku keturunan yang sholeh….

Amin… ya… Rabbal… Alamin…

source: http://id.netlog.com/adinda_dedek/blog/blogid=3107

Ustazah Sakinah messaged me from Malaysia yesterday! I was so touched at her concern that it truly made me smile. Thank you for the advices, tips, reminders...

But as I was tossing and turning on my bed last night, I realise I couldn't sleep, again, If you know Marliyana, you know that I fall asleep the moment my head touches the pillow, sometimes not even halfway through my surah2/doa before sleep. Yesterday, after I finished all surahs and doa tidur, I tossed and turned, and tossed and turned, and tossed and turned, and finally decided to read my notes. Nearly 1am, I forced myself to read, I finished a second set of surahs and doa before I finally go to sleep facing the wall.

It got me thinking... Is what I told Ustazah as the source of the emo-ness, really the source? Or could there be something else? Hmmm...

I don't know...

Today's lecture was 3hours, with 2 breaks in between, and I took a nap during the second break (yesterday I fell asleep in lecture, but since I studied it in poly before, and I read through the slides already the night before, it was ok, I could catch up). The lecturer was very draggy, going on and on about the same point. I think I forgot to set my niat when I entered the lecture. But seriously it was really draggy, my friends were already drawing on tissue papers and all.

Oh lunch was a long and lonely affair, which I don't mind one bit actually. I haven't been having the proper appetite to eat. Yea I complain when I missed a meal, but really I don't really have much appetite I normally do. I've been asking for less rice. Yesterday I skipped breakfast, and today I am about to skip dinner (except for biscuits). And I took one hour to finish my lunch, I had to take a break like twice in between. Normally if I'm alone, I can finish my food in 10-15mins, cos I feel that the faster I finish eating, the faster I get going on to doing other things.

And when I went to Juring Point to buy some necessities for my room, I didn't feel compelled at all to buy a doughnut, or a cake, or a fruit or any kind of food at all...

But I did some shopping, if you can say so. Whiteboard, keyboard protector, pens, stapler, organizer... Things I need la. I am glad I can control myself from buying on impulse even when I'm shopping alone. I like shopping alone. I can enter a shop as many times I want, I can spend forever going around a shop, I can browse books as long as I want... If you get what I mean...

I wanna buy a new phone, so I can change to student plan. But I feel that there is no phone as durable as the China phone I'm using. I dropped it from a standing position and it works perfectly well. I've had water on it so many times and it's still working perfectly fine. And it had a loud radio and tv which I need staying in hostel... The only things it lacks is a much much bigger storage space and the better camera (despite being 8MP, it is always so dark).

Ok, I am ranting actually...

Had silat just now. For the second time ever, I couldn't wait to go for training, and both times the trainings are for seni... I think I prefer seni to tanding, despite how imperfect my moves are. Unfortunately, I wasn't chosen for the seni team. Quite sad about it, cos it means I only have tanding to prove my worth in silat! I think I have my theories ok, but practical-wise, I'm still so slow at applications. Need to work on balance, range, speed, accuracy and strength, woah. But yes, no doubt it is a good workout for your mind and physical self... I just hope to avoid any major injuries in future. The sprain (and to think how silly did I sustain the injury - losing baklance!) still makes me uncomfortable...

I should prepare for meeting with Sham tmr...

It's still the first week of school, and I have so many things on my to-do list!!!

I wanna share abit...

I went to Sham's house this afternoon, to have my ankle massaged.

Sakit gilerh ok!!!

Kalau ikutkan hati nak nangis je, pekik je, tarik tu kaki, but tahannnnnnnnnnn sampai mata cuma tear sikit je. Gripped the seat handle and kerutkan muka. I have no idea how many different kinds of expression my face made to withstand the pain. I seriously hope all the pain just now is not for nothing. I wanna enjoy the bonding camp tmr!

Speaking of camps, did you know that I had an extremely swollen lip during pesantren? I have no idea what caused it. Perhaps it was the attempt to kiss the cat there (I got scratched on my hand...), or it was one of the bugs in the tent, or even, a grass snake could have managed to sneak in and kiss me, ewwwwww.

But yeah, all I know was that when I woke up the first night in the big tent at about 3am for qiyam, I felt that my lips were super heavy. On the way to the toilet, I asked Ida how do my lips look and she said it looked very bad. I was surprised to see myself in the reflection of the mirror at the toilet. Scary seh the lips so big. I couldn't close my mouth at all! My teeth were shown no matter how much I move the muscles to put my lips together!

After I bathed, Atikah came in and saw my plight and called Ustazah Raihanah, and together with a male officer, I was driven to a clinic. The one in Yishun cost $80 for night consultation, so we went to the Woodlands one which is only $60. The doctor seems so unsure that I was really doubting whatever he's saying. He ended up giving me a jab on the left arm, which is as painful as a tetanus jab, painful gilerh ok! And I tell you, my left arm still feels numb till today, like what? more than two weeks after the swell?? I guess it's because some of my friends kept hitting me on the arm, like super OW. But I can't be announcing to everyone that I just had a jab right???

My point is? What is abit of pain in your life... Just pretend it's nothing and ignore it... It is part and parcel of your life, accept it, embrace it, no use whining and crying and screaming for it...

I didn't know I would love sparring so much. The mental and physical coordination is interesting. NTU had uni friendlies with SMU this afternoon at SMU and I had the opportunity to spar with an SMU sister. Eventhough I lost 2 rounds and we drew in the 3rd, it makes me all the more motivated to learn more in silat. Need to work on my combos, on my shuffling, on range, speed, intensity and accuracy. I'm excited for silat trainings to come!

Oh the SMU sister happened to be from TP Engineering hehe. No wonder she looked familiar. Entered the gelanggang, saw her the first time, and throughout the whole match I was sifting through my memory on where had I first met her haha. She said afterwards probably I know her sister instead. Probably ah. I can't be too sure... I don't remember having any friends by the name of Rahmah in TP...

Oh, right now I have a sprained left ankle and because I forced to balance myself on my right leg more on the way home just now, even my right leg hurts, so I'm walking like a robot currently. Yet I am determined not to let my parents see what the match had done to me. I don't wanna quit silat!! (never thought I'd say that heh) Luckily I have a stock of diclofenac sodium painkillers, so popped two cookies in my mouth followed by 2 pills of the painkillers and 1 pill for gastric.

I don't eat painkillers if I can help it. No panadols for me. Headaches are part and parcel of life, and it doesn't need panadol, it needs plenty of water and rest in your system that's it. I only take painkillers, and that's the diclofenac ones only if I really really really can't take the pain. This sprained ankle is not the worst in my medical history actually. I've had inflammation of the tendons before and that is like 10x worst as it causes your tendon to redden and swell and each time your blood pulses through the veins, ow ow ow. That's why I thought I can withstand the pain of this sprained ankle. Actually I can. I just eat the painkiller in the hope that I can walk properly tmr and pretend nothing happened infront of my parents hehe.

If I were to go to the polyclinic and Dr Sophian Hadi were to see me again, he'd probably comment: "another injury to add to your history?" haha.

I sure hope the sprain heals soon. I don't need another inflammed leg... Especially when I have a camp this wed-fri! Silat bonding camp! I heard it's really gonna mix us together, hmm... They feel that the segregation between the girls and the guys is not good for the team, hmm... I will hold up to my principles. In case they plan something not so 'I-dont-know-any-suitable-adjective', I'd try to get away from doing it larh... Preferably if I can get away, I would. We'll see how things go... Hopefully things go on fine, nak mix tu mix jugak, for the team, yet batasan tetap batasan :) ni tetap majority melayu Islam, so tetap perlu jaga batasan-batasan yang ditetapkan Islam... I decided to leave drama partly because of this, and also because I really didn't have time to attend trainings larh. But yeah, I hope this issue doesn't become a penghalang for me to be a true pesilat NTU!!! Chewah hehe ;)

After madrasah I went to the library to return 3 books which I borrowed before going to pesantren, and hadn't had the time to read even a single page. Because...

Let's see, on Monday I had FOC meeting, afterwhich I sat down to eat with Kak Fadz and listened to her interesting life story. On Tuesday, I went out with Jun to find erm.. gurad at Marina Square, afterwhich we ate at Swensen!!! My first time eating at Swensen after like what, 10-15 years?? It was superlicious, yum yum! Then we had silat training at night, afterwhich had a menggelikan-hati-conversation with Mir hahah! On Wednesday I went out with my mum to Geylang, borong tudung! First Lady... :D Then went to Giant and spent on unnecessary snacks ish ish.

On Thursday, Fityan had a comm retreat at masjid. We went to the wet market to buy ingredients and cooked lunch and dinner at the 'dapur' masjid, and in between we played badminton! I had a chance to ride Nadia's bicycle, with Fathi at the back, woo hoo, achievement! But it was just a shortwhile, after that we had to clean up, clean up, clean up, ending up with wet socks and shoes with water from the spray hose, and our shirts and tudung drenched in sweat eww... After wash-up, we watched 'Remember the Titans' at Ma'arif Room, good show with good takeaways :D By the time we finished the movie and our debrief, as well as updates, it was already New Year! Ustaz then came, and we went to Simpang Bedok for late supper in 3 cars. The supper was a very long one, which really tested my patience, nearly to tears I tell you!! But it didn't go uneventful, with Raudah's classic performance ;) We headed back to Ghufran at 4am in 5mins, and by 4.15am, I think I'm asleep already. We slept in the next morning, and around 10am, we headed to KFC for breakfast. The conversation during breakfast was... erm.. interesting. Inter-mosque marriages? Inter-racial marriages? Ade ke aku kena ngan Soka??? 0_o Dan macam-macam lagi la yer. And Aniq was there!!! My boyfriend so super the cute and handsome larrr...

In the late afternoon, some of us from Teenz Camp visited Syaqirah at her house. Alhamdulillah, she looks better, yet it was sad to hear about her medication and stuff. It was interesting to learn more about diabetes too from her family, and we had a short 'tazkirah' on life and illness... Many thanks to the family for hosting us welcomely. I felt bad for being there and menyusahkan when they served us Mee Soto. It is such a coincidence that Syaqirah's dad is my classmate at Andalus, and Syaqirah's mum is Naz's classmate at Zuhri, and their youngest son was from Ghufran kindergarten. What a small world!

On Saturday, I had training again in the morning, afterwhich I went to Geylang again with my mum. And today, as I mentioned earlier, after madrasah, I didn't go home. I went to the library to return some books, afterwhich I entered the children's section and... start reflecting and planning and penning my thoughts on paper. Took up 4 A5 pages and spent about an hour there, oblivious to the noises there, though I notice this small boy running around smiling sheepishly at me trying to catch my attention, soooo cute! haha!

I listed down my commitments and my responsibilities to each, what are the things I want to work on/achieve this year (there's only 3, but I elaborated each with specific details that they seem to be nearly 50!), things I'm considering of doing and hasn't decided if they are really important (there's only 3, yet they are big considerations!), possible major involvements that's take up my time (there's only 4, yet each takes months and months of preparations that I'm sure I can only choose one, which indirectly I have already done so), things I definitely won't be wasting my time, energy and money on (there's only 2, that I really wanted to do since recently, and have finally decided they're not important), and things I want to do (which actually focuses on 3 things I need to focus on this year, trust me it was so subconscious that I chose the 3 I wrote). And that's about it...

At about 6 plus, I left the library to find a drink, then stopped by KFC and took my own sweet time eating popcorn snackers and just letting my mind wander (KFC has been my place to think since early 2009 hmmmm). My my stomache's filled, I proceeded to Popular to look for an organiser, stopping by at Singtel for awhile to check out the phone prices, and there were none. Met a Slim Diary at Popular which cost $7.95 but the queue was too long, I decided to check out Times, only to find out Times at TM had been closed down. Met Fathi. Checked out Artbox and Precious Thots for other organisers. Found a few that I thought were suitable, yet I couldn't bring myself to buy any, and I ended up leaving TM empty handed. Then I remembered I needed to get wrist guards from Sportslink for the tru-uni friendlies. Before that I stopped by Times, and found no organiser I like. Left there in a jiffy. Bought my wrist guards, then visited Urban Write. Found interesting things that can help me organise my time, but they are so expensive I should bite my nails off if I buy them!

On my way home, I was thirsty again, so I decided to detour abit away from my normal route back, to stop by Econs, and guess what?? I met a total of 11 cats on that route all the way back home! 3 cats were super manja, some I had to earn their trust to even come near them while the rest were malu-malu kucing and blatantly refuse to let me touch them, whatever la eh kucings. Along the way, I saw 1-2 people smiling at me with the cats, and there was this guy who kacau-ed me but whatever la, he walked away as he kacau-ed me anyway.

I love cats!! They're so uber cute!!! Though that doesn't mean I don't find them dirty. I'd wash my hands after touching any cats...

K dahh, finally I finished typing my entry for today!

I have tri-uni friendlies tmr, and should really get some rest now. I wanted to do 2 things before sleeping, but one, cause of malas, another, cause of... malu? paiseh? so I guess later later la. I have a week before school start... That shall be my timeline.

I'm not really for tmr! So nervous! So scared! Hopefully there's no one in Class B!!!

When most of us have reached our 20s, (at least intellectually, mentally and emotionally) the topic of discussion always seem to end up with... MARRIAGE

I wasn't part of the conversation, since I was still happily and merrily enjoying my zinger, but somehow I got involved in the conversation when Raudah suddenly asked, "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?"

Nasib tak terbegik aku ngan my happy and merry burger tu tau. Tak kena pasal sehh. Yang paling lagi nak terbegikkan adalah people think I am with someone now, an Ustaz for that matter. Even Liyana seems to think if it is true. Aiyoh people, you are my brothers and sisters, how can you still not know me!

Actually, entah eh... even my mum dunno me well enough. On Wednesday, when I went out with my mum, we started talking about how she used to be so scared I can't speak in public. Even up to Sec 4, she wasn't sure I could be vocal. Being in ELDDS in sec school, she thought I'd be just the background (I think she's thinking of trees or something), she didn't know I was in 3 not so small (not major, but certainly not small enough that only 40 prople watch) shows where over 200 people are watching. While in Titisan, she considered my roles as small enough, no doubt they were, and didn't think much about it. Yet, you're facing an auditorium full of people okeh!!

My mum was impressed about me giving the valedictorian speech at Perdaus haflah 2 years ago (ehhh, tak prasan dah 2 years ago!). And I'm like huh? That's (probably my one and only and) the worst speech I'd ever given, I think.

She was most surprised that I joined silat actually. She doesn't believe I have enough 'force' in me to punch/kick anyone. I didn't either, initially, actually. Ask Shikin, or Mir how tak bunyi were my punches and kicks to the padding for the first two months. Then ask Shikin again, and Jun, how I've improved, slight as it may be, after that. Aren't I glad I didn't tell my mum earlier I had joined silat? Confidence would have crashed, and I would have quitted immediately agaknya.

Eh why did I sidetrack so far... Part of the conversation with my mum, she told me that once a chinese woman she knows in the neighbourhood suddenly asked about me (she talks more about my second brother compared to me or my eldest bro) if I have a boyfriend (I really wonder how did she steer the conversation that way???) and my mum said her reply to her was, "She sure has many guy friends within her social circle, but I'm not too sure if she has one who's special." and the woman's reply was, "Can't be don't have..." Waaaah, make my mum doubt me seh. Firstly, why does my mum say I have many guy friends? Many meh? Who are she referring to?? Secondly, if really that's true then waah I have really changed. Ask Siti how many guy friends I used to have in sec sch. Or Ad for poly. (P.S. Ad I miss you so so much!) Hmmm... Thirdly, my mum thiks it is 'possible' even to a small extent that I have a boyfriend??? After all that I learn in madrasah??

Oklah, my mum actually doesn't think my madrasah has improved me at all. Padahal looking back at 12 years ago... even if I may not have been in the wrong set of company (my schoolmates alhamdulillah are all fairly good people since young, and I am especially closer to those who are not minahs and bitches), I would probably not be praying, or wearing tudung, or wearing jubah, or going masjid etc.

And neither does she think that the camps I'd been attending/organising have been doing me any good. Erm, where else could I have earned my vocalness?? Think back to KRC4 (the first impressions I set on most of my Fityan peeps), Camp Xplore 07 (when I totally couldn't talk during the debrief at the end of the camp because I was too choked up with tears being overwhelmed by all the emotions), to Gema Ghufran 07 (bet you don't even remember I was in the committee, typing the minutes half the time, calling and inviting people to come), to Night cycling (I can't even conduct a meeting within my department cos I can't seem to talk, much less lead!) to RYC 08 (when I'd stumble with my words as I try to give instructions for the games) to NI retreat 08 (when I still can hardly talk and deliver what I want to say, I left Mus and Liyana to lead), to NI mukhayyam (starting to brave up, yet Mus and Liyana still had to do most of the talking, to Camp Xplore 09 (where I was vice-chair, conducting a general meeting together with Azz), to RYC 09 (where I had to gather the station masters, some of who were still strangers back then, and explain how the Amazing Race works), to Pesantren Kilat (where I was one of the 3 female group leaders and thus have to maintain control, have to deliver certain instructions from the officers to my group, and sometimes to all the girls at once even, and they were strangers okayyyy, I didn't know a single one of them before the pesantren), I know, I clearly see and I am very much aware how much attending/organising camps have changed me. But nevermind.

Ok, this had unexpectedly turned into a reflection entry. Heheh. But yeah, fact is that la... Even my mum doesn't know me well, she doesn't recognise my potential, she doesn't know my strengths and weaknesses or all my likes and dislikes, neither does she believe I can do it, for anything at all... How can I not doubt myself all the time. Honestly, I still doubt if I can be a good teacher... even after the confident presentation for Critical Perspectives, where we were asked to 'teach' the class on a certain topic in groups of threes, and I felt that my presentation skill was rather good...

Hai.. Let's get back to the initial issue in this entry aite? After asking "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?", next question was "Who do you think can/will settle down within the next two years?"

Aah, the future is so full of unknowns...

10 years ago, who would have thought I'd be in Temasek sec (I only believed I was capable of entering a neighbourhood school, I was thinking I belonged in Springfield Sec!) or 5 years ago, who would have guessed I'd enter poly (after setting my eyes only on JC), or 3 years ago, who would have predicted that I'd join NIE (I truly doubted I could be a teacher. I respect the teaching profession alot, and whenever I hear anyone join the teaching profession, I'd be like "Wow, cool, I can't teach, I don't think I have the patience for it.")... Now, no one, no one can foresee when I'd get married, or to who I'd get married to... And for that matter, when I would die, or how I would die...

The future is so full of unknowns. Nabi Khidir had the mukjizat to know the future. That is probably one of the most dangerous knowledge one can have. It may be one of the most dreaded as well...

Let us just live for today, and treat it as a gift. Forget about yesterday, cos it's all in the past, and don't bother worry about the future cos it'll just give you a migraine...

By the way, I am still CURIOUS!!!! Who... urgh! Nevermind!

I wonder how dreams work. Why do we dream? What causes dreams? I don't want theories. I want to know the truth.

Yet how can we ever know that whatever we know is ever the truth?

I'm still in a dilemma constantly thinking about what is the truth and what isn't....

Now I remember who was the doctor I consulted with at polyclinic just now! No wonder his name on the door rang a bell, I just read an article about him recently! Like what, less than 10 days ago?! Here!

So anyway, I reached the polyclinic at around 3.30pm and was asked to see a general practitioner first. Asked for a female doctor, none was available. Happened that I got a male malay doctor. Oh well. (SEE SEE I TOLD YOU THERE'S SO FEW FEMALE MALAY DOCTORS! That's why I wanted to be one, but hajat tak kesampaian, turns out I have a different path waiting for me...) When I reached his door, I saw the name and thought that it sounds familiar but I couldn't put a finger to it.

When I went in the see him, he looked so Chinese and asked in English that I ended up talking English to him, until he talked abit of Malay that I was convinced he's Malay afterall haha.

So anyway, he took a look at my previous medical history (I am a polyclinic kid inside out since young, no family doctors for my family cos my dad worked in the police force and we had medical benefits from polyclinic, and now's my turn to work for the government so yeah) and commented, "you're quite terror huh, so many injuries in the past". LOL, I was literally racking my brain what kind of injuries had I sustained before this, other than a recurring achilles tendonitis??? Then he asked when and how did I get my finger hurt (at this point, I already felt super silly for seeing a doctor for something as minor as an almost-immobilised finger, but I WAS REALLY WORRIED it could be a fracture and boo hoo if I'd have to learn to write with my left hand!) so I told him uh, got hurt during silat yesterday when my friend kicked my hand, and he was like, "woah silat, no wonder so many injuries." right now I'm wondering if he had the correct list of medical history, cause until now I don't remember any serious injuries!!! No broken bones or fractured bones or bad swelling or edema or lost a tooth and such whatttt...

But anyway, I told him uh those past injuries (while still wondering what those past injuries were he referring to) were not due to silat. Then he went on to ask if I was in national team (gosh no, I'm still very much an amateur! 3 months of training, 1 time tanding only ehhhh), which school's team am I in etc. He was surprised to hear NTU has silat. Erm? But he went on to ask if I know this guy, I'd forgotten the name already, who oversees silat from NUS/NTU or something like that... I just went blank. Didn't expect to be talking so much to a doctor haha. He's a friendly doctor, making his patients at ease.

I think the only reason why my medical history is made up of injuries instead of cold/flu or fever and such is because I don't see a doctor for cold/flu or fever. who needs a doctor telling you you have a fever when you obviously know you have a fever?? Just get plenty of rest at home, and don't spread it, in the case of cold/flu.

I took some painkillers, not that I'm gonna eat them... Just that I feel silly for spending like less than 1/2hr at the polyclinic for nothing. I'd only eat the painkiller if it's unbearable, which I doubt it would. Kinda immune to it already after spending one whole day having my pain receptors around the sprained (that's the only thing I say why there's pain) area transmitting pain signals to my brain. I can feel the stretch from my finger joint all the way up my right arm. But he said there's no fracture, means no fracture lor. I can straighten my finger, i just can't bend it, meaning I can't ball my right hand into a fist, or hold a pen properly (I haven't tried though), or eat with my hands, or type as usual etc... He just ask to put ice on it...

I can remember how painful and numb my hand felt after Mir kicked it yesterday. I couldn't pasang cos I couldn't feel where my hand/finger was! And my hands shook extra hard after the hit. Yet everyone must have thought that I'm such a ninny for reacting to such a minor injury, if they'd even call it an injury. But really ah, I didn't know how to react! Tell me how would you react if, no matter how much you want to continue the fight, you can't feel your hand cause it's in pain???

Speaking of reaction, the doctor said if it was a fracture (cos initially he did say he felt a gap along my bones, though err, that turns out to be a natural gap I have on both hands), the reflex action would be me hitting him already when he presses on the bone. Kau, drama seh. As much as I was in drama (which Mir finds it surprising. Mir calls me "unexpected". Silat, drama, motorbike. So unlike me, yet... haha) I wouldn't do that seh. At most I'd wince and tears sprout out of my tear ducts. Or worst case scenario, jerk my hand back and scream. Takdelah sampai pukul dia kan!

Oh, I've gotten my sleeping bag ($8.99 only!!!) and insect repellent. And a few other 'unnecessary stuffs' which mounts up to $52 plus. Aiyo... My mum spent more today. Finally she got her steam iron that you iron vertically, induction plate/hotplate and a mini ricecooker (for days only two people in the household are eating). I was tempted to buy this portable mini-stove. $30 plus only, but I think we can't cook IN our hostel rooms, so what's the point of buying...

Kk, gtg, meeting Nazihah soon, and bro Hamid's family, including little Sakinah! I've bought something for her. Have I ever said how enjoyable it is to look through baby stuff? :D

Oh, did I mention I hit my head TWICE on a low railing while trying the white satin jubah, almost slipped outside the toilet at bugis, tripped on the side of the pavement at Orchard, but luckily no sprain, and tripped on a slight raise in the cement while walking to late dinner.

I don't need silat to give me bruises and sprains haha.

And I can't forget hitting my head against the big red hose box during DRP (from archives). Haha, baru aku sedar betapa clumsy nye aku... Maybe it comes with being short. People who are tall would hit their arms against a low railing, only short people like me would hit their heads.

But being short, and not so plump, gives you an advantage with agility. Hope to make use of that in silat. Gotta practice footwork. I concentrate too much on attacking and defending I don't think about where I land my feet and move around.

I hadn't been listening to music the past few days, unless it happens to be on radio in the car or on tv that I wasn't intentionally listening to. No Windows Media Player, no imeem, no youtube, no MP3. No Twilight songs, no nasyids.

I'm missing Twilight, but I've survived many days without it.

Anyway, my pointing finger on my right hand hurts when I move it. Wonder if there's a fracture or muscle tear or something. Gonna go see the doctor after their lunch time I guess. Better get it checked. I thought of visiting the dentist as well, but I don't think I have time. Cos I still need to find my sleeping back, insect repellent and torchlight, which means I need a trip down to Giant...

So, how did I get a painful finger, and a bruised shin, and aching buttocks and back and such? Silat.

Had silat training yesterday after about a month of no trainings due to exams. I thought it's gonna be a refresher course. Yes it was, and more! We did new things like group kicking (it's harder if you're holding the padding than kicking, sakit la woi kena attack continuously for 10x3 kicks), practicing defense to spontaneous attacks in pairs (I enjoyed Shaza's mentoring, I learned alot! the most since I joined silat I think. Cos she was able to pinpoint my mistake AND suggest how I can improve, which I did my best to. And she gave constant words of encouragement that kept me motivated and wanting to give my best one round after another, trying to be better each round.), wearing the vest (I felt like ninja turtle. comfortable uh, perhaps cos I didn't get super hard kicks from opponents yet), leaarning the point system (interesting! SEA games ade silat? nak tengok!) and of course a taste of how tanding is like (coach put me against Mir who is much taller, bigger and stronger than myself, and Syaza whom I had practiced with. Menggeletar gilerh eh tangan bila pasang, and continue to menggeletar badly after training ends. Mir accidentally kicked my finger, tulah sakit ni. and she masuk & angkat me after grabbing my leg during a kick effortlessly and landed me on the ground.) I can't wait for the next practice for tanding! The adrenaline rush is superb! Even if it left me breathless halfway (dah lama my heart didn't need to work too hard to send oxygen to all my muscles). Just before training I told Mir I may be quitting ilat next year, which I really was planning to. But now, maybe not! Silat gerek la seh! It makes you on guard at all times always anticipating attacks and how to defend, at the same time thinking of combos to successfully attack your opponents vest. It is a physical and mental art and sports. Woo hoo! Hmm, that reminds me, I need socks with friction soles to wear for silat, and black indonesian tudungs for safety purposes, yet maintaining aurat.

Oh what makes yesterday such a great day was: I got to go shopping!!! I spent like $150-$200 yesterday, spending at Tampines, Geylang & Bugis. I went Orchard as well, but we couldn't find a suitable present for my eldest bro, so we ended up eating late lunch there only.

Let's see, I bought 4 pairs of socks, 3 trackpants, shampoo, conditioner, 2 Glade scented gel, hairband, 2 pyjamas, 2 bandanna, 2 jubah, 1 kurta, 2 tudung, 4 sarung tangan and 3 shawls, woo hoo! Best shopping sakan ;) Plus the two shoes I bought previously, I'm complete from head to toe :P I'd wanted to buy face towel, a small sling bag, a skirt and another shawl, and my parents urged me to, but I felt that they weren't as necessary. My dad event urged me to buy this $99, after discount, checkered shirt from Levis, but I don't think that is at all necessary. Most of the things I bought are to prepare myself to go on a camping spree for 9 days straight, afterwhich I'd dump them at hall. Hmm, I still need my sleeping bag, insect repellent and torchlight. And mind you, I'm still eyeing a Samsung phone!

Of all the things I bought, my favourite is the white satin jubah. I'd always wanted something white, but can never find one that is not jarang, until... yesterday. :D Initially I thought it was too expensive. $59 for a plain white jubah with a bit of sequins on the waistline. I walked around the pasar Geylang somemore until it was time to get back to the car, that I thought, ok why don't we try asking for discount. I'll buy if she gives discount to $45. Turns out, she gave until $40!!!! According to her, because it is white, she can give at a cheaper price. And she thought I was going umrah, I wish. But the jubah simply makes me so happy! This is the second time I bought a jubah from her shop. I very much liked my first fairy-tale-jungle-like green and red jubah which I wore for raya, and now this white jubah. I'd love to visit her shop again the next time extra rezeki comes my way.

The skirt was very nice. My mum would love to see me wear skirt. Truthfully, myself too. But I find wearing skirt so leceh. Cos, I'd still wear pants underneath, so it kinds of defeat the whole purpose of the skirt. Besides my mum ends up saying I look like minah Malaysia wearing skirt with knee-length shirts, but I've dumped my short shirts!

Ok, my finger is hurtinggggg, and I should be on my way to the doctor now actually hehe.

Oh after silat yesterday, Mir's mum drove me home. But we stopped at Woodlands for awhile, supposedly to give Mir's bro some cash for his retreat to Johor with cousins, ended up I followed them to have dinner at Rasa Rasa. I envy how close they are with their cousins. So fun. I used to be close to my cousins, but somehow or rather, after we started sch, we started seeing each other less until it's like once, or twice, a year kinda affair.

I should really be going. Hopefully I get to go Giant today. And hopefully my finger is just slightly sprained, no fractuer or anything. I wanna tanding somemore!!!

Thank you Allah for a really good day yesterday. Please make today better than yesterday, and tomorrow better than today and so on :)