Chess teaches me that no matter what you face (like getting your 'men' killed) you have to keep striving forward towards your goal, and never to let go of that goal. If your goal is to gain Allah's pleasure, then don't stray from it. What other things you do (like trying to keep your own King alive or trying to get your soldier to become a Queen or trapping the opponent's Queen) should be for your one and only ONE sole goal (which is to trap the opponent's King in chess).

It also teaches me that you need to strategise well and each move must be significant. All must be in line with your ONE MAIN goal. So in life, whether you are studying/working, or having lunch with a friend, or spending time with your family, or buy new clothes etc should be aimed towards your ONE MAIN goal, we should set the right niat, may we be amongst the successful in life and the hereafter.

Each move you make, make sure you scan your environment first. Make a well calculated move. Because once you make a mistake, it may cause your direct downfall. In life, always think of the consequences of your actions. Be accountable towards your choices. Make the right choice so that you may not regret it in future. Whatever choice you make, make it for your ONE MAIN goal.

Sometimes you need to sacrifice the little things (like your soldiers) to ensure the bigger ones don't get sacrificed (like your horse or castle or pawn or worst your Queen or King). It is so in life too. Remember your goal and don't stray from it.

This serves as a major reminder to myself first, for here I am blogging after playing chess when I should be studying *opps!* :)

Nom nom nom nom nom... *sigh*

My mum said that I act differently at home with family and outside with friends.

Well, to a certain extent I wouldn't deny that. Family is my mahram, I can be comfortable with. Outside with friends there are certain limits to how I act right? At home you can say out your thoughts and feelings openly but outside with friends you may have to filter abit for you have not known them all your life and wouldn't know how they'd take it.

At the same time, I'd say that yes I'm garang at home with my family, and yes I'm garang outside with my friends too, ESPECIALLY when I'm rushing an assignment, my patience and tolerance is really low and anybody near me just gets it. And lately, that is how it is, school has started and so there are assignment after assignments to rush for. And I just don't wish to be disturbed....

And I am very impatient when teaching someone something too (i.e. teaching my mum how to use a new handphone, just as teaching a friend say.... how to plot a graph on excel?) which I'm trying to change la actually since I'm going to be a teacher and I'd definitely need to be patient with the weaker students...

But my mum thinks that I try to be an angel outside and her suggestion that I'm being hypocritic is... hurtful. Just feel that the advice or reminder could have come in a nicer way than a sindiran...

Haiz, another thing is that, this week I'd be home before Maghrib every single day, but when I came home late yesterday (I told her I had bbq with friends, obviously it'd end late...) my mum said I come home late everyday.... That's not fair... That's not true! I'd really been trying to cut down my commitments outside by having no more than say... 2 meetings per week! Of course it doesn't help when meetings start late cos people come late and so we have to end late grrrrrrrr... so angry. I rejected to being the vice-president of NTUMS (as in, I was nominated only lah, not chosen pon but yea I rejected the post out of my own free will) and I ignored the msg to be the finance/business manager of Islamic Awareness Week (sry! I was busy! and yea me and financing/business don't really get along well together... And since I lost my contacts I have no idea who msged... so I just decided to ignore since I'm afraid that if I reply, somehow I'd get dragged into it anyways... It's easier to reject in sms than in a call or face-to-face conversation...) anddddd I also rejected to be the Head of Muslimah for the Tarbiyah subcomm giving the excuse that my commitments in Fityan requires much of my attention already. That's THREE rejects ok. It takes courage to say no, but I have been juggling and I'm sick of being a clown. I'm not being courageous, I'm just being realistic. With my parents being overbearingly erm... like this (I dunno, I guess I was such a free bird when I stayed in hall that I just feel caged and suffocated now when my parents ask what time am I going out, what time am I coming back, who will I be with, where will I be going like everyday... I know I know, girls my age some still have curfews etc and probably get it worse, but yea...) I just have to lessen my commitments outside and be at home more (which I don't really know what to do other than the normal lah, facebook, watch tv, eat, do work, read, sleep, and that is wrong? And I DO talk to my parents, what else is expected of me, tell me!!!! It's not that I don't wanna go out with my mum or family, they just have to tell me earlier so I can plan my time... please, I only go out with friends like once or twice a month... other than that, it's usrah, meeting or camp... which doesn't count. When was the last time I watched movie? In august before Ramadhan? When was the last time I had dinner outside with friends? Ramadhan? When was the last time I went cycling or had a bbq or went to play boardgames or just chit chat? Before yesterday, I can't remember when was the last time... Quite sometime ago seh.

And she said that when I'm at home I always sleep, well you have to understand that 2hrs journey to school and another 2hrs journey home IS very very tiring for me especially with lectures in between that just drains all your energy as it requires attention and thinking! (I'm putting much effort in understanding all those equations that's being churned out in class like nobody's business!) This sem I only fell asleep twice in lecture. That's an achievement, especially when I have to leave house as early as 6.30am like on Mondays. Of course I'd be tired and would sleep when I see the bed!

And that accusation that I always sleep is not right! This week I spend two hours daily at least to sit in the living room, eat, watch tv and chat with my parents during tv advertisements. That's effort on my part! An unrecognised effort at that... But I don't think right now is the right time to say that to them... What with all my brother's weeding preparations and I dunno what other things there are...

But yea, I feel so unappreciated. I feel that none of the good things I do get acknowledged or even recognized at all, yet my wrongs are amplified 1000 times, by my own family! And I don't see no effort in trying to understand me... Just so sad...

La tahzan Marl, la tahzan... I feel so alone in my journey sometimes. Sometimes I would share with some of my close sisters/friends but mostly no, I won't, what's the point? Everyone has problems... So I keep them all to myself and yea, let things past, which they will after some time...

This shouldn't be on my blog, especially if someone finds this and talks to my mum about it (like something that happened before) but I need an avenue to let out. I feel bad typing this here as it is, but it's no use talking to my mum about this now to smooth things out. Whatever I say will be rebutted anyway. But yea I've smsed her some of my thoughts yesterday. I hope she doesn't regard it as 'talking back', I'm just desperate to be understood... I guess this is a typical complain of a erm... youth? Things will get better tmr and probably bad again the next day and good again the next next day etc etc. Things will come to past and when you look back, sometimes you just laugh at stupid things that happen, or realise the whole hikmah of others.

I wanted to talk about the bbq yesterday actually. I was bored most of the time, but simple things in between like playing Scramble and TapTap on Ati's phone with Liy, watching Chamber of Secrets with Ati and Liy, trying out tennis with the bunch of them, playing Codebreaker with Hilmy and Ati, Air Hockey with Hilmy, the birthday cards, the bbq itself and our 11.30pm late gorging of food to finish everything and our midnight HTHT session, they made my day, made my week and eventhough I''m stressed that I didn't complete any work at all yesterday, I enjoyed myself because of the company. I love my FOC peeps...

Oh my camera's fixed. I have my darling back to snap and video 'evidences' hehe. I missed my camera...

Ok, I should either eat, study or sleep like now. Have madrasah later...

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, Allah has given me this wonderful opportunity to meet Ramadhan again :)

Ahlan wa sahlan ya Ramadhan! I've been longing for you :)))

Actually, I was hesitant to start this post. I was hesitant, scared of people's judgement, scared of what people will say... Because people have judged (wrongly I must add) and people have said... I wrote an entry in a book yesterday, I felt so free to write anything and everything! But, it felt selfish... I want to share my thoughts and experiences... I just have to be more careful...

Putting that aside, aaahhh, it feels great to be in Ramadhan again. And this year, because of YOG (the only good thing about it in my opinion, after all the hassle it has caused) many if us have 3 weeks of free reign this Ramadhan, whee~!

Anyway, I helped out for awhile at Ghufran this afternoon, packing, carrying, counting the porridge to be given out. It feels good to be doing it again. The first year I was a volunteer at Ghufran, I helped with the packing, not knowing many people smile here smile there don't talk much. Today, 5-6 Ramadhan down the road here I am still! But with a slightly more responsibility. People trust you, and with trust comes responsibility :)

It was nice to see the Spingfield students helping out. I heard that some of them ASKED their teacher to be part of it. Hmm, many might be negative and say, "Alar, just because they want more CIP hours...." but let's give the the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they really want to join in the spirit of helping during Ramadhan :))

This year I felt a renewed purpose for being there packing. As my fingers get red and hot (and sticky) from handling the hot porridge with my bare fingers, I pray that these very fingers would be my witness in the hereafter that eventhough I did not contribute in monetary form, I contributed in terms of effort in making food for people to break fast with (it'am) :))) I was very excited about this fact that I so wanted to share with the Springfield students, but they were all boys, and I was kinda paiseh haha so in the end, I didn't.

Oh, Ramadhan teaches me to talk nicely. HAHA. Cause... other people are fasting too. People are tired and hungry and thirsty, and therefore, they are grumpy.... So you have to smile and talk nicely to them. As the powerpuff girls love to sing "Love love love love love, love love, makes the world go round" hahahaha. So yeah, no matter how bad is the day, smile, be nice and polite... It's a sadaqah anyway ;)

Some people can get pretty unreasonable, volunteer and jemaah alike. Probably they're tired... y'know... What matters is, as long as we are not one of the kind :)

That's pretty much my thoughts for today. Have about 30-45mins more to go before break fast....

I think I shall type out parts of what I wrote in my book yesterday...

Day 0 Ramadhan

Ramadhan... Ramadhan... I wonder how this Ramadhan would be.

Two years ago, I was having internship and my Ramadhan was spent doing my SIP and MP, and because I would usually finish my tasks late, I had to break fast at work or at a mosque near the workplace (TLL, NUS) Sometimes I had to miss my Terawih (I think) as I go in and out of the cold room with my project... Sometimes I would do my own Terawih at home. Or if I have the chance, I would rush to any mosque near there be it Masjid Haji MOhd Salleh (izzit??), Masjid Tentera DiRaja or Masjid Darussalam. Or even Masjid Darul Aman or Masjid Mydin if I was on the train home during break fast. Rarely do I get to go to Ghufran.

Last year too I didn't get to Terawih often at Ghufran because I was staying at hostel and I either have NTUMS Ramadhan meeting or silat at night... So i ended up doing my Terawih in my room on my own, if I had the strength... Or if I could, I encouraged my friends to join the NTUMS Terawih prayers at South Spine.

Ramadhan means alot to me. I so-called 'turned over a new leaf' in Ramadhan in 2006. Or at least it was the point I was introduced to Ghufran's activities, volunteering etc. I started doing many new things that year, including Terawih (if I'm not mistaken) and it was the start of my journey in becoming a better Muslim, and a better person in general. And I want to make sure that every Ramadhan will me become better and better.

I have many goals this Ramadhan. Mainly is to keep what I did last Ramadhan and to UP those where possible. Yeah... And Ghufran dakwah department has prepared a list of ibadah goals that tops my list, yet what's the point of doing them if my heart isn't there. This Ramadhan is a training for my whole self inside and out....

I wonder how this Ramadhan will be for my family. Last year, it wasn't really pleasant, in my opinion. I have many prayers and wishes, mostly concerning my family... May this Ramadhan be better, much much better for my family. I shall keep praying and not lose hope.

Anyway, I had been watching Imam Muda on youtube for the past few days and awww... I'm so kagum of these young men. Haha. Like... woah.... Respect... I pray that, may my jodoh be a true imam (in all aspects) not only for my future family, but also for the community :) Heheh

Oh! It's Maghrib already! May this Ramadhan be a blessed one for me!

Ramadhan is here! Ramadhan is here! Ahlan wa sahlan ya Ramadhan! Alhamdulillah, all praise be to Allah for giving me this opportunity to meet Ramadhan once again.

Tubna ila Allah. Wa raja'na ila Allah. Wa nadimna ya Allah. Wa nadimna ya Allah...

I want to make good use of my Ramadhan. Be well into the spirit of Ramadhan and may I come out of Ramadhan victorious (a better person) or I syahid in it. Either way would be lovely.

I'm currently at Ghufran. Aaaah home sweet home. No matter what people say about this blue mosque, it'll always have a special place in my heart. Ghufran means alot to me.

Darul Ghufran... The meaning of the name itself is already so beautiful. House of forgiveness... May in this house, this Ramadhan, I would be able to do good deeds and be cleansed of my sins.

There's so many people at Ghufran!! While some people find that it is noisy and uncomfortable etc with having so many people, I'm different, I like to see so many people in the House of Allah. It's just so heartwarming...

I received a message from my mum and Fatimah earlier on. It reads:
Salam everyone. My name is SYAABAN. I;m advising you that my neighbour RAMADHAN will be visiting you soon with his wofe REZEKI and two children SAHUR and IFTAAR. They will be accompanied by three grandchildren RAHMAT, BARAKAH and TAUBAT. They will leave after thirty days by EID airlines. Treasure them and you will be blessed. Ramadhan mubarak. May this coming Ramadhan bring lots of NUR in our life. Amin.

"Harizah couldn’t imagine what kind of teacher I would be. But she mentioned I’d probably be like Prof Yan (whom the three of us like very much hehe) or Prof Tham (who teaches very well, and gives us cheese samples in class! tho we have to read alot ALOT for her class)…

Mahmudah immediately imagines me as a teacher who gets bullied by her students.

Sad story :("

This is what I wrote a few months ago.... I'm sure their perception of me has changed. Now they know how strict I can be when I want to. I wonder how my students will fare on days that I have PMS, I sure hope they'll be good angels then.

I'd been thinking alot.

Part of what I think about is the teaching profession. No doubt, I respect the teaching profession alot alot and find it a very fine and 'mulia' career path. The only thing I'm worried about is if I can be a good teacher. If I can, of course I'd continue to teach till it's time to retire. I can see the development in this profession and I would love to be part of that development process. One of the things I guess I can start developing from now is patience....

However, if I really can't be a good teacher, I'd better find something else to do after my 4-years bond. It's better that I don't torture myself and my students right... I should think that I'd love working in a lab. But I dunno. I'm partly trying to earn the affection of some of my lecturers so that I can learn more about the research work, though I guess I'm not putting so much effort.

Time is a factor. I already have commitments all around me, how could I commit to a research project while studying?! I'd go nuts! though yea, when else would it be a good time to be involved in a research project than when you're a student...

I'd been thinking of other things too...

I'm so happy to see Fityan having new members again. It feels like such a long time since we had a group of people join us. Alhamdulillah the orientation and ubin cip follow-up went well. Can't wait for the next event. I lookk at these people, and I convince myself that these are the new leaders that will lead Fityan to betterment, that will lead the youths of tomorrow towards betterment.... *excited!*

At the same time, I seem to feel so old and 'junkie' in Fityan. Hadn't been doing anything.... Really. I am grateful for their understanding on my workload and such...

I'm seeing a development process in NTUMS. I dunno. I can't decide what's best for me...

Other things that I'd beenn thinking aboout... is amanah and tanggungjawab.

For awhile, I felt like the whole world (ok that's exaggerating...) is on my shoulders... With ilmu comes responsibility. A heavy one at that... But recently I have found that maybe I am not strong enough for that amanah and tanggungjawab, and alhamdulillah, it has been transferred to others. I am currently on the receiving end, but of course, there is no such thing as 100% receipt, I as a DPI student still has a responsibility, the responsibility to share and dakwah and remind and applaud etc.

Ilmu itu bagai senjata yang boleh membahayakan diri. Ilmu boleh menjadi sebab seseorang itu masuk syurga, namun ia juga boleh menjadi sebab seseorang itu masuk neraka, nauzubillah min dzalik.

As I think about the things that have been happening around me, the more I think about what do they mean and where my role lies. I'd been plunged into NIE for one. And I begin to be more and more interested in the community, especially the youths, and where are we moving towards, especially through Kak Shahidah, TMSN, Fityan, Andalus etc. There's so many people who're concerned in this 'transformation' or 'development' of the youths in this generation to ensure that the next generation will be in a state better than how we are now. It's all interesting to hear and know. I'm helping here and there, contributing little energy where I can, yet I can't see where am I in the bigger picture. It'll take time. Maybe, my role is just to be aware and spread the awareness *shrugs*

Ok, my head hurts from thinking, cos I have alot of schoolwork to think about and I should really go to sleep... and I haven't done much progress in those schoolwork... Quite a number of things to start doing/finish this week. Chem report due on Thursday. ALS e-learning due end of the week. Main Group Chem test coming up soon. ICT group assignment due in slightly more than just a week. ALS resarch paper too (not to add madrasah metodologi proposal paper). Bio report due next Friday. What else? Can I not sleep for 3 days and get all of these done??? I wonder, hmm....

But yeah, my head really hurts right now from looking at the screen within a short distance for a very long time. Time to sleep!

Okok, I shall try to make this my last post for today. I have my lab reports, one due this wed, another this fri, yikes!

I have something to confess... Or rather, something to let out larh. I guess it'll make me sound so sensitive, but really I wanna get it off my chest...

I don't like it that people ungkit about the RYC amazing race again and again. I've heard it a 1001 times before. The first time I hear it, I can accept it, cos I myself know it was badly done. On the day itself, I broke down, I broke down in the middle of the camp, because I have already realised how badly it was done and it was almost beyond my control to make things right because of the time constraint. Now that I keep hearing it again and again, each time I feel like crying. Because it isn't fair la...

You guys as station masters and facis have your part of your story. I have mine to. This is my part of the story:

First and foremost, I only joined the programmes team less than 3 weeks before the camp day itself. I met them on 19th (I hear what they have done so far and I just suggest how to improve), 21st, 22nd-23rd (faci trg), 28th, 30th (general meeting), 2nd (meet emcee) and the camp itself is on 5th sep tau... If you see properly, I only had 2 days, which was 21st and 28th with the programmers. I was supposed to help out here and there only, but ended up having to come up with the whole route on which group goes where (prog did the recce with me to identify the stations - it was a mutual agreement between the three of us on the stations being from end to end of Pasir Ris, NOT ME ALONE tau), all 15 games (ingat senang nak create 15 games macam petik jari?), all preparations for the 15 games (settling with logictics, printing out the puzzles, pictures and the station numbers - faizal only managed to help with the laminating on the day itself), finding 15 station masters (only to receive news from the comm that they just wanna use comm members) and the briefing for station masters (which had to keep postponing because firstly, no one can confirm with me who were to be the station masters, then the comm members were very busy and I only managed to sit with them before maghrib on the first day of camp, about 4hrs before the race).

To top it up, the head programmer is very new, it's her first time doing programmes, and so I was assisting her alot with the prog sheet, with the concept with linking to objectives and theme (a call to remember, spark for a change), spiritual booster (oso I prepared the slides) and keeping track of scores on the day itself. The other programmer was serving NS and could hardly do much. So yeah, understand our plight.

Plus, I have my own NTUMS Ramadhan adhoc event to settle, which was only one week away from RYC. It was a 4-man show, so all admin, publicity, programmes, logistics were under us. And, I had my GESL event to plan for - another amazing race, I was doing programmes too. And, I was still adapting to school. It was still my first month in school. Tutorials, lab reports, essays... And, I just started silat.

My hands were full! I sacrificed alot of sleep! I fell sick quite a number of times then.

I don't mind, I'll help where I can...

The thing is, I gave my best. That's all I can say.

My bad that I didn't foresee how tiring it would be for the facis and pax to be running from one end of PRP to another. I'm sorry. Yes, I am responsible for the Amazing Race. I do feel bad about it. I do feel bad that probably all the pax didn't enjoy the camp because it was too tiring. But then again, I am really sick and tired of so many people being so cynical about how it turned out with no one to back me up...

Each time I hear more comments about the race, the worst I feel. And I have withstood it since September 09. I keep telling myself that it is positive criticism; accept it, learn from it, and don't repeat it. Now is February 10, it's 5 months plus, I can't remember how many times I've heard comments about it. I can probably never forget the Amazing Race, because I don't like anything less than perfect, and of course, this Amazing Race was very far from perfect.

I just feel that I've withstood it too long, and this is the peak of it all. It is just too much and I can't stand anymore of it...

I have a meeting in 18 mins, programmes again. No, I am not sick of programmes.

I shall start this post with: It's like I want you to know, but I don't want to tell you...

Heh. If you're smart, then you can figure it out on your own, which I wouldn't be surprised if you could, actually... Otherwise, I guess you'll never find out cos I'll probably never tell... I don't think I'll ever have the courage to do so. I've kept it a secret for nearly 2 years, 2 long years, and I know that I've kept it well. I guess there were glitches, but no one seems to notice. I don't talk about it, no more than a whisper to myself. It's not that no one have guessed at all, they have made guesses, but the guesses are far from the truth. It is rather funny to hear the guesses actually. So people, please stop guessing, please stop assuming. I have been on the wrong side of the story a couple of times. If you know my principles, you know downright how wrong your guesses are. I guess I should be glad. I guess this is the right thing to do. I'm afraid that the truth would hurt, so I would rather continue being in my bubble, keeping the secret safely with me in my little bubble. I never would want that bubble to pop. 2 years, 2 years... Control, secrecy. Life is a stage, and we're all actors. And sometimes, my actions do not deliver what I really mean. Again, control, secrecy. It's not without effort. But if I were to choose between what is easy and what is right, I would certainly pick what is right. I like things right, perfect, even if it means doing everything within my means to get it as near perfect as possible. Actually, I guess it doesn't matter cos either way, whether I tell, or I don't, I have everything to lose. Or maybe, if I tell, I may have something to gain, but I can never know. I would never find the courage to tell anyway, and so I shall keep controlling. I shall forever be that cowardly actress in this stage we all call life. How it ends, I shall leave it up to the One with the power. It doesn't matter if I end in tears, I have spilled tears before. In fact, I am prepared to end in tears. It matters though, that whatever happens is the best for me. And I know the best of all planners is Him. If it's meant to be, then it shall be. Otherwise, I shall once again, have tears in my eyes, then hopefully I can accept it all, for I only want the best for myself in life and the hereafter.

I can make a story out of this paragraph, but I would like to know the ending first. But how can I know the ending when "It's like I want you to know, but I don't want to tell you..."

Finally, I went to JP last last Thursday and got myself a decent organiser and finally, within the week I managed to fill it up. :)

Part of the things I filled it up with is a daily record of my thoughts. It's interesting to look back at the end of the week and see what were some of the things that your head reeled with!

Let's see... I have...

non-aircon bus :: childhood memories :: ICT for Fityan :: indecisive guys :: tawakkal :: surprise :: big packet of Tesco honey stars :: letter :: tired :: slight fever :: miss silat :: hikmah :: wanna back out of FOC :: looking forward to bday surprise by Mahmudah & Harizah :: relationships :: secret :: tawakkal :: personal growth :: zina hati :: 7 golongan terpelihara di hari akhirat :: photoshop :: FOC storyline :: mentalist :: strengths and weaknesses :: examples from khulafa' rasyidun :: creative out of norm groups :: foams & bubbles :: mata berkaca2 bila mendengar nama Nabi muhammad s.a.w. :: ghuraba' :: vanity :: surveys :: observations :: home vs hostel :: freedom & independence :: tazkiatul nufus :: fears of a younger me :: decision-making :: alone & al-uzlah :: accusations

Hmm... i wanna elaborate on some to be documented here hehe. I love my blog! And I enjoy reading my archives! But then I've got work to do! So, next time maybe...