It's one thing to be asked to do this and that as if you're the free-est person on earth. But to be asked to do this and that and not getting a word or at least a gesture of appreciation or worse, getting scolded along the way is really quite another matter...


I HATE PENTAS Sorry to all who've enjoyed yourselves and are missing Pentas and can't wait for the next one and all. BUT, well, do understand me. Your job is done while MINE, AMA'S AND IJAN'S HAVE NOT. While you guys are having hangovers over Pentas and dreaming of the fun times shared or at worse the worst rehearsal you had to go to, the three of us are getting 'live' nightmares over the props. And the worst thing is we're getting scolded for it because we have a 'responsibility' to carry out. Spiderman (or whatever Uncle in the movie) said, "With great power comes great responsibility"... But in our case, there is NO POWER which brings about the RESPONSIBILITY. We're volunteering our time and effort here and not a word of thanks instead lotsa lotsa scolding. AND NO ONE TO HELP US. It sucks alright.. Don't believe me, try it next Pentas. I'd be more than glad to let you have the job. Right Ama? Right Ijan?

Today marks the third time I cried because of the props. Ama and I had to carry boxes and boxes AND MORE BOXES of costume, make-up, radio, other left behind props and I don't know what else. We had one big rectangular box filled to the brim and begging to spill over, two ezprint boxes one on top of the other with cloth and 4 boxes of make-up and Naza's square box with some stuff and at least 5-6 poles, 2 of which threatens to scratch whatever surfaces we walk along or poke someone super unlucky to be walking towards us in the eye while pointing directions. Ikut hati, aku nak buang je sume. But to think of it, nak buang pon nak kena travel so might as well travel to SAA. Haiz, bila agaknya kitorang bertiga nak gi clean up bilik SAR tu ye. Sry quartermistress bilik tu berselerak balik but do understand our plight. Not many do right now...

People called us. People smsed us. People scolded us. People saw us. And all they could do is tell us, "The audi must be cleared by 5pm" You know who helped us? There was this couple we met along the alley to SAA who were going somewhere with a trolley. They looked like they needed it rather urgently too, but after we asked and explained our situation they lent us the troley for awhile. But they left us at that, just with the trolley. Cukup alhamdulillah la tu kan. Then we got stuck between the lift doors and there was this guy who kindly gave a helping hand, pushing the trolley from lift door all the way inside the SAR place. Alhamdulillah. We dunno who they are and they most probably don't believe in Allah, but they were there and we thank Allah for that.

It was just so hard. Tried to be strong while I was with Ama, but when she left, I had my mum's mats plus my box of telekong and kain2 alas I needed to bring home. It was hard to handle and I had no idea how to transport them by myself all the way from audi to lt 21 in biz school. It was humiliating enough to be seen with that many things, but I was just upset and angry that hot tears start to well. I dropped everything, squated down and ended up sitting on the ground somewhere along the alley between the audi and the staircase leading to the library. There were a few people there but who cares. Whether I stand or I sit with those stuff it'd be just as humiliating anyway kan...

Lela, I appreciate those words of appreciation. They make doing those heavy things lighter. Ama agrees with me. Eventhough you requested for some props/deco late, we (padahal Ijan ngan Nadiah yang buat eh) didn't feel forced to do them. We were obligated since it's our job but you made it sound as if we have a choice. IF we're not too busy. IF we can handle them. We find it easier to follow what you want cos you had pictures and directions so we could produce something as similar as what you asked for. I mean memang our job scope is to find things or make them for the show. You made our job easier and at the end of the day pon you get what you want and not something so different than what you visualized. Thanks for your understanding. Too bad this is your last Pentas. It was nice working with you dear.

Hai... Sesungguhnya kesabaran itu separuh daripada iman. Dan iman aku nampaknya dalam fasa menurun. Ya Allah, berilah aku hidayah...

I enjoyed myself afterall. I was super stressed up over props for the past few days. And that last few hours before the show was just unbearable. I broke down twice. Once at around 3pm, I just left everything I was doing, got up, told some of them I was going for prayers and off I went. I could have prayed at the audi, but I ran away. I didn't want the others to see. I broke down in the cargo lift at AS on the way to ITAS prayer room. I jolly well took 30-40 minutes calming myself down. When I returned, I was more or less composed.

There was a full-dress rehearsal when I returned. I haven't done my make-up yet but that's not important. The props must be ok. And no they were not. I forgot things. I forgot to convey certain instructions from Fifi to the Nadi crews and they were scolded scolded for my forgetfulness. I felt so bad. Not only that, I realised that there were still certain things missing. There were 3 boxes that were not wrapped in brown paper. The torchlights Ama brought was not what Fifi wanted. And while I was in the toilet washing my face, Fifi came in looking so stressed. And the way she saw me and looked away made me feel that it was all my fault. To top it all up, my Acharacterisations did not work the whole day! I just couldn't change all the stress of the day into energy for my character. THAT was just the breaking point.

I washed my face, left the toilet and entered the dressing room to have Ubaidah do my make-up for me. While she was putting foundation for me, I just lost it. I just cried and cried and could not stop. Not the bear hug Ubaidah gave me. Not the happy song Hidayah played for me on her hp. Not anything. I just couldn't stop. Tried to remember happy times. I could think of none. A few happy moments flashed through my mind, but it faded just as soon as it entered. I forced the tears to stop for awhile for the sake of my make-up.

But while the alumnis talked to us, the tears flowed again. It seemed impossible to stop. Hidayah hugged me, gave me advice and all and I went to the dark lane behind the stage and thought of nothing but my character. I ran around. I hopped around. I skipped around. Then I went to Maghrib. I asked for peace in my heart. After that I went into the toilet, looked into the mirror, bit into my finger and characterised again, running through my character's life story and saying out my lines. It slowly worked.

Went out and interacted with the other characters and before I knew it, it was our turn. All along, problems about the props popped up again and again but I suppressed it with my character. And I guess Nira's funny performance helped one way or another in cheering me up. When it was time to stage what we've rehearsed for the past month, I just did the best I can. I ignored the audience and concentrated on my character.

There's so many people I wanna thank. Nadi and Set designers for helping me out with the props and making leeways for me where there should be none. Ubaidah for my make-up and for calming me down. Hidayah for the advice and hug. All the others (I can't remember who!) for the encouragement. And Nira for indirectly cheering me up with their creative performance.

There's so many I wanna say sry to too, but that's between me and them.

Time's up! Time to study for m madrasah exam tmr! I've studied nothing AT ALL and it's 11.45pm already. Oh God. wish me luck!