Another sleep paralysis experience... Took quite a long while to break off the paralysis. Urgh.

Now I can't sleep.

Kenneth Burke writes:

Imagine that you enter a parlor. You come late. When you arrive, others have long preceded you, and they are engaged in a heated discussion, a discussion too heated for them to pause and tell you exactly what it is about. In fact, the discussion had already begun long before any of them got there, so that no one present is qualified to retrace for you all the steps that had gone before. You listen for a while, until you decide that you have caught the tenor of the argument; then you put in your oar. Someone answers; you answer him; another comes to your defense; another aligns himself against you, to either the embarrassment or gratification of your opponent, depending upon the quality of your ally's assistance. However, the discussion is interminable. The hour grows late, you must depart. And you do depart, with the discussion still vigorously in progress.

The Philosophy of Literary Form 110-111

This was the paragraph shown during the first lesson of the academic discourse skills (don't ask me what is it) module. And we were asked 3 questions to think through.

1) What did you think about when you first read the paragraph?
2) what do you think Kenneth Burke is trying to convey?
3) Is there another hidden meaning to it?

Somehow or rather I related it to life. Was rather impressed with myself for inferring the metaphor that way haha. And eventhough it's wrong, it still set me thinking. Purpose. Roles. Contribution. Friends. Family. Legacy. Hmm... I'm too lazy to share here. Just posting this up, so that one day when I read my archives, maybe I'd stumble upon this and reflect on it....

Oh, I had sleep paralysis again a few days ago. I don't like it. Hope it never comes back.

There's soooo much I wanna say tapi tak dapat ku luahkan kerana ia tidak patut diketahui sesiapa pun. Ia rahsia hanya buatku ketahui. (though I do wish I can share with someone, but I won't even tell my mum, why would anyone else know can? hanya Dia sahaja yang tau...)

Feeling rather... I dunno... Ad and I term it as depression, but I'm not sure if it's the right word. (And at the same time, I can't put one exact term to my feelings anyway, since there's so many feelings berkecamuk around everywhere)

How would you like to have your whole body numbed and turned to lie on your side, and as much as you try to jerk your limbs, you can't move? I felt that before, under somekind of sleeping paralysis. But at least I 'woke up' after that and am still ALIVE today..

But how would you like, after not being able to move at all, to have your eyelids pushed down to almost pop your eyes out and then have a glass tube inserted into the side of your eye near your nose, and not only that, when it's in, it pushes onto your blood vessel till it breaks and blood oozes out before your eyes get pinched shut.

Just as you thought the ordeal was over (eventhough you can't feel anything, you wish you could just run away and hide somewhere), you are made to lie on your back and a needle is inserted from your lowest rib-bone up your sternum and pierce your heart (as much as you wish for a cupid arrow to hit your heart, you'd never dreamt something sharper would hit you, right?) and you see almost all blood in your body get drained.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, however you put it) your wish to simply vanish comes true as another needle is inserted into your heart again and this time you feel some fluid get flowed through it and before you know it, you get sleepier and sleepier and never to wake up again...

That is how it is like if you were to put yourself into the shoes of a lab mouse. That is how I imagine the mouse 'felt' during LAST lab just now. And as much as I don't want to do it, I would have to for it will be my practical test. Yes, I would have to do that.

It's like an irony that LAST stands for Lab Animal Safety Technique or something like that. Theory and practical are so totally two different things.

Felt like vomiting after lab just now, gosh! Lucky I didn't eat anything for lunch, cept ice-cream (Mat Kool choc tastes nice! thx AD!)

Hmm, as usual, I feel so much burden on my shoulders. Wish I can view it all not asburden, but as opportunity to gain knowledge, tools to achieve my main aim: mardhatillah!

I dunno... Sometimes sincerity fade. And without a sincere heart, things get tough and very challenging. I wonder, is there anyone who truly devotes his life in only ONE aim to achieve His pleasure and so EVERY SINGLE THING he does is ikhlas lillahi taala.

I wish to be like that.

Unfortunately, I can't! Some would say, "Well you're human afterall" but...

Lillahi taala
Lillahi taala
Lillahi taala

Isn't that supposed to be the RIGHT way?

I don't know. Only He knows.

Today is the day I gave my final decision. I had more or less decided last week actually but I dunno, I found it hard to say out and officialise that decision cos making that decision automatically means I've agreed to take on the challenge amd take up all the responsibilities meant for me. -_-

The more others try to convince me, the more unsure I get.

Whatever it is, I've officialised my decision just now.

(Suddenly terpikir, cam gini agaknya perasaan kalau nak kahwin eh?? Waduhh)

Speaking of marriage... My mum ever mentioned, she'd like to see me married by 24 or latest 25, or else I'd be labelled 'andalusia' or more commonly known as 'andatu'!

I'm 19 this year. This leaves me with 5/6 years at most. *gulps* Reminder to self: Time flies REALLY fast these days *double gulps*

My room is berserak as ever. And half of me wanna clean it. But the other half...

1 more week to CPR. Less than 2 weeks to term test (5 PAPERS OK!!!) followed by Camp Xplore faci training. Roughly 3 weeks to Camp Xplore (min target reached alhamdulillah!) and KRC (I have yet to register nih!! Don't leave me!!). Less than 1 month to D'Talk *BIG BIG gulp* (More decisions to make *groans*) About 3-4 more months before it's the end of lectures and tutorials! (for the time being) And then attachment *lub dup lub dup* for I dunno how many months with who at where and all *seramz* And before I know it, I'd be wearing THE robe to officialise my graduation and then... WHAT?

Where do I go next?

Sleepy already... Before I end of, just wanna say two things:

"Ana dah terima. Lillahi taala. Lillahi taala. Lillahi taala. InsyaAllah."

"Hanya kasih dan sayang sanggup kuberi. Cinta hanya untukNya dan RasulNya." - dunno where I heard it...

I must wake up tomorrow determined to accomplish more things....

It gets funnier as you scroll down. Sarcastic nampak, sarcastic nampak. Hehe

1. Learn to recognize the symptoms. Sleep paralysis can affect different people in many different ways. Knowing what to expect and how it can affect you can make symptoms much easier to cope with. Individual experiences vary, but some symptoms can include: overwhelming feelings of evil entities watching you, an intruder in your room, alien abductions, rape, an "old bag lady" or "old hag" attacking or suffocating you in your sleep (it is not known why it is always an old woman), and many other frightening experiences that always take place while in a paralyzed state.
2. Research the experiences of others. It's much easier to deal with such a frightening event when you know you're not the only one. Talk about it with your friends. You might be surprised to learn that someone you know has gone through something similar. You can also talk to your doctor about sleep paralysis; there are some medical procedures that can help in extreme cases.
3. Determine what triggers your sleep paralysis. Sleep paralysis can be triggered by a variety of situations. Some researchers agree that sleep paralysis is most commonly caused by the position you fall asleep in, most commonly when lying on your back. Often, triggers can be factors in your life that you have no control over, such as stress, environment, or even your dreams. Try keeping a log of the conditions of your episode of paralysis. Track details of the experience, the time, your sleep pattern, sleeping position, mental/emotional state before and after you were paralyzed, and if you were paralyzed while falling asleep or upon waking up. This can all be useful information, especially if you decide to see a doctor about the condition.
4. Avoid the triggers. The best way to cope with sleep paralysis is not to experience it at all. Identifying your personal triggers and working to avoid them will significantly reduce the chances of experiencing sleep paralysis. If you experience sleep paralysis every time you sleep on your back, try sleeping on your side or stomach. If your sleep paralysis happens every time you work overtime, try to avoid overtime. It's simple and effective at preventing sleep paralysis.
5. Sleep regularly. Sleep patterns can have a drastic effect on sleep paralysis. Keeping a regular healthy sleep pattern and getting enough sleep can significantly reduce the likelihood of sleep paralysis episodes.
6. Just relax. Although sleep paralysis can be frightening when accompanied by a hallucination, some people only experience the feeling of being paralyzed. When this happens, know that although 20 seconds might seem like five minutes, it's not going to harm you. If you focus on moving, you can break out of it quickly. As in the movie "Kill Bill", try wiggling your big toe and you'll be able to move the rest of your body in no time.
7. Tell your partner about it. Along with the paralysis, most people find that they are unable to talk or cry out for help. The only thing you can do is open your eyes and make a low muffled groaning noise. Make sure your partner can identify this so they can calmly wake you out of paralysis. Don't be upset if they fail to identify that you are experiencing sleep paralysis. It's like trying to determine if someone is having a bad dream, you have to focus on it to know it's happening.
8. Get older. It sounds silly, but sleep paralysis usually starts at a young age and becomes most frequent during the teenage years. Paralysis should become less and less frequent as you get older, and often by the time you reach 30 years of age the symptoms can disappear completely.
9. Keep a journal. Write in it before you sleep, and write events that happened that day. It may help you figure out what is triggering the dreams.
10. Have sex often. Maintaining a frequent sexual relationship with your partner may help reduce the occurrence of sleep paralysis.
11. Learn how to Lucid Dream. The sensation of sleep paralysis can be interpreted as a definitive "dreamsign," an excellent indication that you are actually asleep (and thus perfectly safe). This makes it possible to eliminate the unwanted anxious feelings about paralysis and look forward instead to having a lucid dream of any experience you desire!

And it continues to get funnier!

* Try taking slightly bigger and bigger breaths. Breathing is the one thing you can still control. Deeper breaths will bring more oxygen to the brain and will wake you up.
* Reduce stress
* Eat healthy
* Remember that, although it can feel dangerous, it isn't
* Talk about it with others
* An improper sleeping schedule can be a cause of sleep paralysis. Try to get 8-10 hours of sleep every night at the same time of night every night, and sleep paralysis may go away.
* Concentrating on trying to move or "shake" yourself may break you out of it in no time.
* Sleep paralysis is most common while sleeping on your back. Try to avoid sleeping this way
* Try to avoid coffee or medications that affect your heart rate.
* Consider having a sleep study to diagnose whether the cause of the sleep paralysis may be sleep apnea. With proper treatment of a diagnosed sleep apnea condition, the sleep paralysis events may subside and/or disappear.
* If you find you are experiencing paralysis as you are falling asleep, try sitting up and staring at a bright light for a minute or so before lying down again. No one is sure why, but this does help some people.
* Relax, and the paralysis will fade away.
* Some people with frequent sleep paralysis have found the following technique to be helpful. Take a moment each day to relax and imagine the sensations of your sleep paralysis. Focus on your breathing, then take a deep breath while picturing that breath lifting you up to consciousness as you open your eyes. Practicing your escape procedure when not experiencing the paralysis can greatly reduce the anxiety that can accompany an episode.
* Make sure that you are actually awake. Sleep paralysis could very well be a dream, and you will likely be able to discern whether or not it is a dream by moving into the next room. Focus on moving into the next room, or in general, away from the location of paralysis.
* If moving a finger or toe does not break the paralysis then push with all of your might to induce an out of body experience (some like to spin to the left or right). Upon abruptly returning to your body you will most likely awaken.
* If you are indeed getting older and well beyond the age of 30 then forget about step #8 above.
* If you are not of a reasonable age to perform step 10 from above then omit that step as well.
* Be cool about it. You can think of it as a rare lifetime experience and a ideal time to have a lucid dream, after that your syptoms will likely disapear and you might even want to induce sleep paralysis.
* Just try to go to sleep.

I'm having a mild headache now, and it's not really cause of the pile of work I have waiting for me to do...

About 15-20 mins before this I left the computer to take a rest in my room. As usual, I don't feel myself falling asleep. I'm the last person on earth to have insomnia or any kind of difficulty to fall asleep (other than during first night or first few nights of camps), seriously I can't go without sleep.

The thing was I felt myself waking up, but I can't move. The room is as it was before
I slept, lights off with lights streaming from the living room through my open door. And I could even hear the song from my comp. Maybe it's a dream and the song is just stuck in my head. I THINK and HOPE it was only a dream. I did wake up in a different position from my 'so-called dream'. But it was so weird lah!

I was aware of my surroundings but I can't move or talk. I forced myself to. Baca ayat kursi but halfway couldn't continue and so I started to azan as loudly as possible in my mind. Halfway through I regained consciousness. During the temporary partial consciousness, I felt couldn't even sit up. Force force, rasanya tengah buat a sit-up after hundreds of sit-up or something. Punyalah susah! Legs and arms can't move. I can only move my fingers and ankle. My bed have wooden sides and i was trying to knock on them but all I could do was tap it with my fingers. The thing was, I was aware my mum was outside and if only I could shout or knock loudly my mum would hear and help me. In the 'dream', I felt so tired, can feel my eyes open but threatening to close every second and I was so afraid if I submit to my tiredness I would never wake up again or go into unconsciousness or something. So, was it a dream or not?

But as I said earlier, when I woke up I was in a slightly different position. During the 'dream', while struggling my head was turned and I nearly slip off my bed with my legs almost hitting the floor but when I woke up I was lying flat facing the ceiling with my legs straight and arms across my head. Maybe ni lah agaknya kenapa orang cakap jangan tidur facing upwards. But I feel asleep instantly as soon as my head the bed. I don't think I was lying flat. I remember snuggling my face close to the bed. Which side tak ingat...

Weird seh... Maybe it's a dream, maybe it's well... something... Like Jun's story... Or maybe it's a case of sleep paralysis. Once I got out of bed before blogging about this, I searched for that. Let's see what I found:

Sleep paralysis is a condition characterized by temporary paralysis of the body shortly after waking up (known as hypnopompic paralysis) or, less often, shortly before falling asleep (known as hypnagogic paralysis).[1]

Physiologically, it is closely related to the paralysis that occurs as a natural part of REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, which is known as REM atonia. Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the bodily paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully aware, but unable to move. In addition, the state may be accompanied by hypnagogic hallucinations.

More often than not, sleep paralysis is believed by the person affected by it to be no more than a dream.[citation needed] This explains many dream recountings which describe the person lying frozen and unable to move. The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful, or dream-like, objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision. Some scientists have proposed this condition as a theory for alien abductions and ghostly encounters.

Sleep paralysis occurs during REM sleep, thus preventing the body from manifesting movements made in the subject's dreams. Very little is known about the physiology of sleep paralysis. However, some have suggested that it may be linked to post-synaptic inhibition of motor neurons in the pons region of the brain. In particular, low levels of melatonin may stop the depolarization current in the nerves, which prevents the stimulation of the muscles, to prevent the body from enacting the dreamt activity (e.g. preventing a sleeper from flailing his legs when dreaming about running).

Several studies have concluded that many or most people will experience sleep paralysis at least once or twice in their lives.

Many people who commonly enter sleep paralysis also suffer from narcolepsy. In African-Americans, panic disorder co-occurs with sleep paralysis more frequently than in Caucasians[2]. Some reports read that various factors increase the likelihood of both paralysis and hallucinations. These include: [3]

* Sleeping in an upwards supine position
* Irregular sleeping schedules; naps, sleeping in, sleep deprivation
* Increased stress
* Sudden environmental/lifestyle changes
* A lucid dream that immediately precedes the episode. Also conscious induction of sleep paralysis is a common technique to enter a state of lucid dreams, also known as WILD[1] .
* Artificial sleeping aids, ADD medications and/or antihistamines
* Recent use of hallucinogenic drugs

Hypnagogia (also spelled hypnogogia) describes vivid dreamlike auditory, visual, or tactile sensations, which are often accompanied by sleep paralysis and experienced when falling asleep or waking up.

The hypnagogic experience occurs between being awake and asleep, while the hypnopompic experience occurs as one is waking up; both experiences occur within the time period between sleep and waking (or vice versa). Experienced qualities vary, and include fear, awareness of a "presence," chest or back pressure, and an inability to breathe (hence the folkloric notion of mara-like creatures tormenting sleepers), a falling sensation or a feeling of tripping, but sometimes also joy.

During the hypnagogic state, an individual may appear to be fully awake, but has brain waves indicating that the individual is technically sleeping. Also, the individual may be completely aware of their state, which enables lucid dreamers to enter the dream state consciously directly from the waking state (see wake-initiated lucid dream technique).

The hypnagogic state is sometimes proposed as an explanation of experiences such as alien abduction, apparitions, or visions.

Seramlah seh... Tapi bila baca part "proposed as an explanation of experiences such as alien abduction" kekek la pulak. Imagine the part if I submit to my tiredness and then wake up in an alien spaceship with aliens surrounding me trying to do experiments on me to find out about humans. Then I'll be featured in the alien's news the next morning with: "Weird Finding abt Humans" turn to page bla bla for more details. Big big L-O-L.

Okok, but this 'dream' or 'sleep paralysis' or whatever right... It's not the first time. But it is the first time in such a looooooong time. The last few times I got it was in my parent's room when I shared their bedroom, sleeping on a mattress beside their bed. It always happen in the dark and during the 'dream' I'll be struggling not to fall asleep and to try and move and shout and when I wake up I'll be lying flat on my bed/mattress facing up. Like... WoooooKaaaaaY