When most of us have reached our 20s, (at least intellectually, mentally and emotionally) the topic of discussion always seem to end up with... MARRIAGE

I wasn't part of the conversation, since I was still happily and merrily enjoying my zinger, but somehow I got involved in the conversation when Raudah suddenly asked, "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?"

Nasib tak terbegik aku ngan my happy and merry burger tu tau. Tak kena pasal sehh. Yang paling lagi nak terbegikkan adalah people think I am with someone now, an Ustaz for that matter. Even Liyana seems to think if it is true. Aiyoh people, you are my brothers and sisters, how can you still not know me!

Actually, entah eh... even my mum dunno me well enough. On Wednesday, when I went out with my mum, we started talking about how she used to be so scared I can't speak in public. Even up to Sec 4, she wasn't sure I could be vocal. Being in ELDDS in sec school, she thought I'd be just the background (I think she's thinking of trees or something), she didn't know I was in 3 not so small (not major, but certainly not small enough that only 40 prople watch) shows where over 200 people are watching. While in Titisan, she considered my roles as small enough, no doubt they were, and didn't think much about it. Yet, you're facing an auditorium full of people okeh!!

My mum was impressed about me giving the valedictorian speech at Perdaus haflah 2 years ago (ehhh, tak prasan dah 2 years ago!). And I'm like huh? That's (probably my one and only and) the worst speech I'd ever given, I think.

She was most surprised that I joined silat actually. She doesn't believe I have enough 'force' in me to punch/kick anyone. I didn't either, initially, actually. Ask Shikin, or Mir how tak bunyi were my punches and kicks to the padding for the first two months. Then ask Shikin again, and Jun, how I've improved, slight as it may be, after that. Aren't I glad I didn't tell my mum earlier I had joined silat? Confidence would have crashed, and I would have quitted immediately agaknya.

Eh why did I sidetrack so far... Part of the conversation with my mum, she told me that once a chinese woman she knows in the neighbourhood suddenly asked about me (she talks more about my second brother compared to me or my eldest bro) if I have a boyfriend (I really wonder how did she steer the conversation that way???) and my mum said her reply to her was, "She sure has many guy friends within her social circle, but I'm not too sure if she has one who's special." and the woman's reply was, "Can't be don't have..." Waaaah, make my mum doubt me seh. Firstly, why does my mum say I have many guy friends? Many meh? Who are she referring to?? Secondly, if really that's true then waah I have really changed. Ask Siti how many guy friends I used to have in sec sch. Or Ad for poly. (P.S. Ad I miss you so so much!) Hmmm... Thirdly, my mum thiks it is 'possible' even to a small extent that I have a boyfriend??? After all that I learn in madrasah??

Oklah, my mum actually doesn't think my madrasah has improved me at all. Padahal looking back at 12 years ago... even if I may not have been in the wrong set of company (my schoolmates alhamdulillah are all fairly good people since young, and I am especially closer to those who are not minahs and bitches), I would probably not be praying, or wearing tudung, or wearing jubah, or going masjid etc.

And neither does she think that the camps I'd been attending/organising have been doing me any good. Erm, where else could I have earned my vocalness?? Think back to KRC4 (the first impressions I set on most of my Fityan peeps), Camp Xplore 07 (when I totally couldn't talk during the debrief at the end of the camp because I was too choked up with tears being overwhelmed by all the emotions), to Gema Ghufran 07 (bet you don't even remember I was in the committee, typing the minutes half the time, calling and inviting people to come), to Night cycling (I can't even conduct a meeting within my department cos I can't seem to talk, much less lead!) to RYC 08 (when I'd stumble with my words as I try to give instructions for the games) to NI retreat 08 (when I still can hardly talk and deliver what I want to say, I left Mus and Liyana to lead), to NI mukhayyam (starting to brave up, yet Mus and Liyana still had to do most of the talking, to Camp Xplore 09 (where I was vice-chair, conducting a general meeting together with Azz), to RYC 09 (where I had to gather the station masters, some of who were still strangers back then, and explain how the Amazing Race works), to Pesantren Kilat (where I was one of the 3 female group leaders and thus have to maintain control, have to deliver certain instructions from the officers to my group, and sometimes to all the girls at once even, and they were strangers okayyyy, I didn't know a single one of them before the pesantren), I know, I clearly see and I am very much aware how much attending/organising camps have changed me. But nevermind.

Ok, this had unexpectedly turned into a reflection entry. Heheh. But yeah, fact is that la... Even my mum doesn't know me well, she doesn't recognise my potential, she doesn't know my strengths and weaknesses or all my likes and dislikes, neither does she believe I can do it, for anything at all... How can I not doubt myself all the time. Honestly, I still doubt if I can be a good teacher... even after the confident presentation for Critical Perspectives, where we were asked to 'teach' the class on a certain topic in groups of threes, and I felt that my presentation skill was rather good...

Hai.. Let's get back to the initial issue in this entry aite? After asking "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?", next question was "Who do you think can/will settle down within the next two years?"

Aah, the future is so full of unknowns...

10 years ago, who would have thought I'd be in Temasek sec (I only believed I was capable of entering a neighbourhood school, I was thinking I belonged in Springfield Sec!) or 5 years ago, who would have guessed I'd enter poly (after setting my eyes only on JC), or 3 years ago, who would have predicted that I'd join NIE (I truly doubted I could be a teacher. I respect the teaching profession alot, and whenever I hear anyone join the teaching profession, I'd be like "Wow, cool, I can't teach, I don't think I have the patience for it.")... Now, no one, no one can foresee when I'd get married, or to who I'd get married to... And for that matter, when I would die, or how I would die...

The future is so full of unknowns. Nabi Khidir had the mukjizat to know the future. That is probably one of the most dangerous knowledge one can have. It may be one of the most dreaded as well...

Let us just live for today, and treat it as a gift. Forget about yesterday, cos it's all in the past, and don't bother worry about the future cos it'll just give you a migraine...

By the way, I am still CURIOUS!!!! Who... urgh! Nevermind!

I wonder how dreams work. Why do we dream? What causes dreams? I don't want theories. I want to know the truth.

Yet how can we ever know that whatever we know is ever the truth?

I'm still in a dilemma constantly thinking about what is the truth and what isn't....

I just dreamt that I was at a workshop/camp observing 3 people racing (I think with chairs) in a game infront of me. Somehow, weirdly, I realised I had a school desk on my head, with my neck stuck between the tabletop and the metal grill under it. But I managed to get it out. As I was laughing at the stupid situation and trying to stand up at the same time, I suddenly felt dizzy, saw the room in a blur, called Kak Yati's name as I try to reach out for her chair beside me and then I fainted. And I woke up, with my eyes still closed, about a minute before Nassier called.

This morning I dreamt that I swung myself out of bed and hit the stool beside my bed with both legs. When I woke up to the sound of the Subuh azan from my laptop, which I forgot to switch off, I felt a bruise on my left leg and right toe. Apparently I wasn't dreaming that. Heh.

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Actually I miss blogging about my life here. And I'd been wanting to update. I thought I'd do it today, but I spent time doing my vision board instead (as shown below)...



Inspired by ITQAN NEMC Camp

Hopefully it's not just another Mat Jenin story... Pray for me yea?

I dreamt that I screwed up a camp that I'll be involved in in June. No one turned up! And when I looked at the list of participants who registered, there were only around 10.

There's a slight difference between the real camp that insyaAllah will be held in June and the one in my dream. In my dream, we were going to Spain. Cool or what?

But still, that was like a nightmare. Bangun teruus istighfar haha.

POWER NAP.

Continue report...

I foresee that this post will be long hehe. And I've checked that my internet and the autosave system is working fine :) I hope it will be till this post is safely posted. Ok, here goes!

Thoughts. Reflects the state of the mind and the body. Reflects the overall mental, spiritual, physical wellbeing of a person. Thoughts can be power because thoughts are the drive the pulls or pushes.

Why in the world am I talking about thoughts?

Firstly, it's because I recently completed the book titled "Book of a Thousand Days" by Shannon Hale. Ok I have to admit that the wolf part and the sing-to-heal part is rather ridiculous. But it is afterall a fantasy book. But apart from those two fantasy parts, the book tells of a story that sounds really real and possible. The book tells of obedience, of loyalty, of friendship, of love, of sacrifices and of hikmah. (What's hikmah in English eh? I've always thought wisdom can't really describe it all) And the book is in diary-form, meaning that it goes to the thoughts of the protagonist. (Somehow I feel like I'm writing a literature homework lol. I never was really good at it.) And it is just... personal and enables readers to connect and feel the emotions as if firsthand. Trust me, the emotions that the book evoked in me lasted at least 2 days. The feelings of misery, of hope, of fear, of happiness, of content, of disappointment, of fulfilment etc etc. "Book of a Thousand Days" is just the kind of book I enjoy. Fantasy yet filled with real life values and at the same time evokes all kinds of feelings in me. Great book, a must read.

What's even greater is that it inspires me to write a book. Not just any book, but a diary-like book of experiences. Not of any kind of experiences, but that of a Muslim youth in Singapore :D In English.

What, isn't a blog enough? Well, let's just say that I don't include all in my blog. It feels too personal to simply post it on the world wide web to let the whole world read.

But what difference does a book make? Wouldn't the whole world still read it? My answer is: maybe not. Come on, who would wanna publish a book written by a nobody like me? Who would read my book? (But then again though, all writers started as no one and there's people like Anne Frank who got her book/diary published for all to know what it was like being a young Jewish girl in Frankfurt during the German Occupation.) The book can be a gift to someone special passed on to generations of special people, in my hope to leave a tiny legacy, an ilmu that can be a benefit to others even till long after my death. Yes I will die one day. Everyone does. But not everyone leaves a legacy. Some leaves a name, but what point is it to leave behind your name. Leaving a legacy would benefit both the writer and the reader, insyaAllah.

It has always been my dream to write a book. But all the ideas that sparked either didn't start at all or simply just stopped in mid-writing. I believe there's no originality in all my stories. All cliche. So I stopped. But if it's a story of real life, then there's bound to be surprises and unexpected turns here and there. That's just how life is. And I believe my English is substantial enough. Maybe not equipped with a vast vocabulary, but at least my grammar is not bad and my style of writing is more or less easy to comprehend, though maybe a bit long-winded at times. Oh well *shrugs*

(I've got 2 title ready. As in I can't decide which. "A Book of Thoughts" or "Journey of Purpose" just like my blog.

Speaking of dreams, I have other dreams. Some really BIG dreams. Some small. Some general. Some personal. Some special. But mostly my dreams are long-term and would take alot of effort and a looooooong time to well... become reality.

Just to share one of the dreams I have which I wish to realise. I dream to be able to speak fluent Arabic and Mandarin, and read and write as well. These 2 languages have appealed to me as early as around primary 3. And I think my vocab just keeps expanding. Slooooowwwly though, I must add. I think I've got a new strategy. See how. I'll probably take 10 years to study the 'textbooks' I'd chosen hehe.

I got thinking about dreams, and choices, after I watched High School Musical 3 with my brother last night. Not the most suitable company to be watching HSM3 with haha, considering how looooooong ago he stopped formal studies. Wanted to watch with Jamie and Ad, but well, I guess I couldn't wait. With Jamie and Ad, we'll perhaps catch another movie aite? Like the dog cartoon movie, bolt I think. Or or there's another movie, erm also about dogs, it's a dog named Chloe hehe, maybe can ask Chloe, my friend - not the dog, along.

So anyway, HSM3 talks about dreams, aspirations, passion, friendship, graduation, separation, achievement etc. I'll be graduating soon, insyaAllah, and these similar thoughts frequently cross my mind. I'm still not so sure of the BIG dreams I have, of my aspirations and ambitions. I have a few in mind but I have no idea which I'd feel most at ease with doing. I wanna do something fun, yet challenging enough, and interactive but certainly beneficial to myself and/or the community. We'll see. I'll keep thinking till February comes. As for friendship and separation, I dunno... I've seen, sometimes separation does adverse negative things to a person. Though I doubt I'll go in that direction. I mean, so far I take 'moving on' in step rather easily. Afterall, I had to separate with friends many times in my life. Some of whom I totally lose contact with, which is rather sad actually. And I doubt I'll be going overseas, even if I do think about it sometimes, so separation is not really a matter lah. Achievement. This word probably means different things to different people. Myself, I categorise my achievements, if you can say so. I dunno. I don't think I achieved much in poly. Maybe the first year was fine, perfectly how I want it to be. But I slacked too much followig that, changed my lifestyle and even my principles. Haiz... It is something to sigh about really... Choices. I feel like I'm reaching a crossroad soon. There's so many possibilities to choose from! I'll choose when I have to haha.

A looong entry indeed. Just sharing my thoughts out loud. I wish I can talk as fluently as I type lol. Really, I stutter a lot actually while talking. I dunno, my brain and my mouth just can't work in unison. But my fingers are definitely in perfect tune and harmony with my mind hehe.

P.S. HSm3 really makes me wanna be involved in theatre again! Lucky Bolton, gets to get all he wants: Gabriella, basketball AND theatre. In real life though, more often than not, you'll be asked to question your priorities, make choices and face the consequences of certain sacrifices you just gotta make.

K dahh, toodles~

Ok, I juz had a very weird dream. Ade ke aku mimpi aku kat dalam army?? LOL. I'm not alone, there's like a hall full of girls also lah. Merepek tau. The dream started with an 'Army Daze'-like scene and ended with me in a hall full of sejadahs and sleeping bags lol. I wonder what in the world was I thinking about before I sleep??!!

Anyway, watched Jula-Juli on Sensasi just now. Cute seh cerita... Some of the old films are so much better han suria dramas. Maybe suria could try remaking some of the old films?

Oh, and watching with my parents right, they'd see this actress or that actor and start telling me whose parents they are, whose child they are, how many times they got married, what other shows they'd played in... Ewah... Haha betol sey...

Last but not least, it's so nice to have a loooong break... I have no classes today!! I can't wait for this sem to end. Just 1 week of school with lectures, some tutorials and NO labs. Another week of study break and psst I only have 2 subjects to study for. And then exam week. Wa laa, school'd be out! I can't imagine work life with no breaks to look forward to haha.

I'm having a mild headache now, and it's not really cause of the pile of work I have waiting for me to do...

About 15-20 mins before this I left the computer to take a rest in my room. As usual, I don't feel myself falling asleep. I'm the last person on earth to have insomnia or any kind of difficulty to fall asleep (other than during first night or first few nights of camps), seriously I can't go without sleep.

The thing was I felt myself waking up, but I can't move. The room is as it was before
I slept, lights off with lights streaming from the living room through my open door. And I could even hear the song from my comp. Maybe it's a dream and the song is just stuck in my head. I THINK and HOPE it was only a dream. I did wake up in a different position from my 'so-called dream'. But it was so weird lah!

I was aware of my surroundings but I can't move or talk. I forced myself to. Baca ayat kursi but halfway couldn't continue and so I started to azan as loudly as possible in my mind. Halfway through I regained consciousness. During the temporary partial consciousness, I felt couldn't even sit up. Force force, rasanya tengah buat a sit-up after hundreds of sit-up or something. Punyalah susah! Legs and arms can't move. I can only move my fingers and ankle. My bed have wooden sides and i was trying to knock on them but all I could do was tap it with my fingers. The thing was, I was aware my mum was outside and if only I could shout or knock loudly my mum would hear and help me. In the 'dream', I felt so tired, can feel my eyes open but threatening to close every second and I was so afraid if I submit to my tiredness I would never wake up again or go into unconsciousness or something. So, was it a dream or not?

But as I said earlier, when I woke up I was in a slightly different position. During the 'dream', while struggling my head was turned and I nearly slip off my bed with my legs almost hitting the floor but when I woke up I was lying flat facing the ceiling with my legs straight and arms across my head. Maybe ni lah agaknya kenapa orang cakap jangan tidur facing upwards. But I feel asleep instantly as soon as my head the bed. I don't think I was lying flat. I remember snuggling my face close to the bed. Which side tak ingat...

Weird seh... Maybe it's a dream, maybe it's well... something... Like Jun's story... Or maybe it's a case of sleep paralysis. Once I got out of bed before blogging about this, I searched for that. Let's see what I found:

Sleep paralysis is a condition characterized by temporary paralysis of the body shortly after waking up (known as hypnopompic paralysis) or, less often, shortly before falling asleep (known as hypnagogic paralysis).[1]

Physiologically, it is closely related to the paralysis that occurs as a natural part of REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, which is known as REM atonia. Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the bodily paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully aware, but unable to move. In addition, the state may be accompanied by hypnagogic hallucinations.

More often than not, sleep paralysis is believed by the person affected by it to be no more than a dream.[citation needed] This explains many dream recountings which describe the person lying frozen and unable to move. The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful, or dream-like, objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision. Some scientists have proposed this condition as a theory for alien abductions and ghostly encounters.

Sleep paralysis occurs during REM sleep, thus preventing the body from manifesting movements made in the subject's dreams. Very little is known about the physiology of sleep paralysis. However, some have suggested that it may be linked to post-synaptic inhibition of motor neurons in the pons region of the brain. In particular, low levels of melatonin may stop the depolarization current in the nerves, which prevents the stimulation of the muscles, to prevent the body from enacting the dreamt activity (e.g. preventing a sleeper from flailing his legs when dreaming about running).

Several studies have concluded that many or most people will experience sleep paralysis at least once or twice in their lives.

Many people who commonly enter sleep paralysis also suffer from narcolepsy. In African-Americans, panic disorder co-occurs with sleep paralysis more frequently than in Caucasians[2]. Some reports read that various factors increase the likelihood of both paralysis and hallucinations. These include: [3]

* Sleeping in an upwards supine position
* Irregular sleeping schedules; naps, sleeping in, sleep deprivation
* Increased stress
* Sudden environmental/lifestyle changes
* A lucid dream that immediately precedes the episode. Also conscious induction of sleep paralysis is a common technique to enter a state of lucid dreams, also known as WILD[1] .
* Artificial sleeping aids, ADD medications and/or antihistamines
* Recent use of hallucinogenic drugs

Hypnagogia (also spelled hypnogogia) describes vivid dreamlike auditory, visual, or tactile sensations, which are often accompanied by sleep paralysis and experienced when falling asleep or waking up.

The hypnagogic experience occurs between being awake and asleep, while the hypnopompic experience occurs as one is waking up; both experiences occur within the time period between sleep and waking (or vice versa). Experienced qualities vary, and include fear, awareness of a "presence," chest or back pressure, and an inability to breathe (hence the folkloric notion of mara-like creatures tormenting sleepers), a falling sensation or a feeling of tripping, but sometimes also joy.

During the hypnagogic state, an individual may appear to be fully awake, but has brain waves indicating that the individual is technically sleeping. Also, the individual may be completely aware of their state, which enables lucid dreamers to enter the dream state consciously directly from the waking state (see wake-initiated lucid dream technique).

The hypnagogic state is sometimes proposed as an explanation of experiences such as alien abduction, apparitions, or visions.

Seramlah seh... Tapi bila baca part "proposed as an explanation of experiences such as alien abduction" kekek la pulak. Imagine the part if I submit to my tiredness and then wake up in an alien spaceship with aliens surrounding me trying to do experiments on me to find out about humans. Then I'll be featured in the alien's news the next morning with: "Weird Finding abt Humans" turn to page bla bla for more details. Big big L-O-L.

Okok, but this 'dream' or 'sleep paralysis' or whatever right... It's not the first time. But it is the first time in such a looooooong time. The last few times I got it was in my parent's room when I shared their bedroom, sleeping on a mattress beside their bed. It always happen in the dark and during the 'dream' I'll be struggling not to fall asleep and to try and move and shout and when I wake up I'll be lying flat on my bed/mattress facing up. Like... WoooooKaaaaaY