Exams are over; and after watching Sunkyunwan on KBS, chatting with Harizah, playing chess (which I lost 3 times in a row, and gonna lose more if I don't resign from the game) and reading abit of Harry Potter, I realise one thing as I start reading my notes for this Sunday's madrasah exam on Sejarah Pendidikan Islam (History of Islamic Education... Sounds chim eh? Macam History of Magic in HP :P) that is: I am very lucky and should be very grateful that I'm living in Singapore. I have such a thing as education (irregardless of the 1001 comments about the education system in Singapore) and even as my exams end, I am able to bathe myself in such luxury as watching tv, reading books and playing online games... How many people my age out there afford such luxury? For all my incompetency of getting into NTU, I'm so-called under MOE scholarship in NIE for a degree and that should count as something to be very grateful for... Alhamdulillah... Imagine if I were in some other parts of the world where I would probably have to work to support my family, or I'd be married with dunno how many kids to care for, or live in a fear-stricken environment as war rages... For all the little things that I complain about, I should very much be grateful for everything else...

It's never easy to make decisions. May Allah always be the guide behind every decision I make...

Saying no takes courage. I never used to be able to find that courage, but now I have to. It's necessary... I have chosen my battle and I shouldn't turn around. I should give my all in this battle that I'd chosen. Afterall, the goal of both battles is the same, just that the battlefields are different and so are the soldiers. I chose to fight with the brothers and sisters that I have been with for the past 5 years or so. May Allah give me the strength to carry on. I find it hard to move forward. So many distractions... So many obstacles. Persevere Marliyana, for Allah and for the ummah.

I watch the Korean show Bread, Love and Dreams and I learn something from Kim Takgu. You shouldn't chase after positions and titles and such, but go for your passion and your dreams, fight for what you believe in...

School has been pretty a-ok... Pimples sprouting all over my face, eww. But I'd finished my AED essay just now, in 1-2hrs despite cracking my brains for the past week or so to no avail. I enjoyed the last session of the Social Context module just now. I know I'm in the right track, at least for the next 6-7 years of my life. If I think back, I find that I had been tarbiyah-ed just to prepare me for this profession, insyaAllah, I found my calling. I know I have other dreams, other lifestyles I can still see myself in, but since I'm already about 1 1/2 years here, let's make the best out of these next few years and continue to develop myself while I'm at it. I see alot of opportunities to develop myself in this profession. Yes, to be a teacher in this 21st century may sound overwhelming, I think it still is very overwhelming, but I'm excited for the challenge. I can't foresee what fish (kind of students, parents, colleagues, leaders, school environment) will I get but the thought that by the end of just 8 years I would be a better person, insyaAllah, is motivating. I just hope I don't get burned out...

My brother's solemnization ceremony is tomorrow night! So excited :D I missed Abg Wan's and Kak Fiza's solemnization ceremony, I certainly don't want to miss my brother's. *excited*

My head has been throbbing from lack of sleep. The pimple breakout is probably because of this too *sigh* I'd better get some early rest tonight...

Hah?! It's 11.17pm??!! It feels like it's only 9am... :(

It's 5.57am in the morning and my mind is pretty much in the same state that it was in last night. I keep finding that I am lost in a maze in the middle of nowhere finding for something which I'm not sure what and I have kinda lost track of where I am and which direction was I heading towards. Really, I think that's the best description I can give of my state right now. And if I were to describe the state of my mind right now, I guess the best would be: a plain white canvas draped across a heavily-graffitied big wall, which people had been flicking all kinds of colour paint on it and never bothering to explain to me why they do what had they just done leaving me to figure out what picture is being painted, even if it means taking a whole lot of imagination to link the dots of paint together.

I... dunno what to say. Maybe I need another plain white canvas to go over the wall again. *shrugs*

My very-much-repeated-phrase lately has been: I dunno, I dunno, I dunno!

I have no idea where did 2010 go to and what have I done these past 10 months.... I really do feel stagnant. Not that I hadn't been learning anything... I have, just that... I dunno.

I think right now I need someone to help me paint the big picture. The FULL big picture, and not just bits and pieces and asking me to figure it out. Though I doubt that'll happen. People have their own canvases to paint. It is really up to me to put a boundary around my canvas, get people to queue up and I need to personally supervise what kind of picture everyone will paint together. It is MY canvas.

I lost my compass. Anyone wanna lend me one? I wanna get out of this maze sooooooooon.

I got into an accident again today. Alhamdulillah not a scratch as I was safely in the car. To think I didn't have the seatbelt on! Luckily the car was slowing down... But still the impact was scary, I was shaking right after the accident as the sound and images flash through my mind and I'm reminded of my old accident. As we stood waiting for the drivers to settle the necessary admin stuff, I was reminded of the FOC accident video *shivers* Life is so fragile. That could have been my last breath. And I'm reminded also of something someone said... You are still alive because you have yet to fulfill the reason of your very creation and existence. Perhaps *shrugs* Wallahu'alam.

It's such an irony... I was on the way to Abg Wan's majlis nikah actually...

Indeed, ajal dan jodoh di tangan Tuhan....

Anyway, barakallahu lakuma wa barakah alaykuma wa jamaa bainakuma fi khair...

And to Bro Hidayat too... I only found out there were two brides and grooms today... Saw Ust Hassan!! I miss pesantren... His daughter is sooooooo cute!

Ok bac to workkkk, so sleepy and tired...

I'd been wanting to blog away about my first week of Yr 2 Sem 2 in NIE as well as the first few days of Eid, bu unfortunately, I really have alot of things on my hands right now, and I have yet to revise my 1st week's notes!!!

Anyway, as I was cleaning my room, I came across a reflective essay that I did for APEL and so i'm gonna document it here. Maybe I'd documented it before, but aiyar too lazy to check lar :P

I believed I entered Temasek Polytechnic in 2006 as a failure. I did not do well for my GCE 'O' levels and cried for days upon receiving my results in February that year. Even after I'd entered TP as a freshman, I still cried in my heart. All my friends were in JC, except those who CHOSE to be in poly. Me? I had no choice but to go poly. My whole life before that was tuned to sitting for O levels, then going to JC, then going to uni and so on and so forth. Even when I did not get to go to JC for three-months course before 'O' level results were out, I asked my friends for their JC notes and studied to 'prepare' myself for when I would enter JC after results are out.

So when my results did not allow me to go to JC, I had to change my life plans drastically. All the effort I had put in to go to JC seemed pointless as my dreams were shattered. It was hard to get back on my feet, especially when my parents looked so disappointed in my failure to go JC. The first thing I had to do after receiving my results was to choose a course in a poly, which back then I find challenging as I hardly have any idea about the courses the different poly have to offer. When I look back at it now though, I can confidently say, 'I have no regrets in my choice.' Temasek Poly is the best poly for me and Applied Science - Biotechnology is just perfect for me. And it's not that I didn't have a choice. I could have chosen to go astray but I chose to go poly and give my best anyway.

Since April 2006, things started to look a little brighter. At the very least, I managed my studies pretty well alongside other activities I am involved in. When I received my first semester's results with a GPA of 3.86, I was reminded of what a friend told me when she comforted me for not being able to go JC. She said, 'Perhaps, poly is where you can shine.'

After all these while, I do feel that I did shine in my poly years. Maybe not so much of a 'wow', but at least I am proud of where I am and what I had done. It's true that everything happens for a reason. My being in poly too has its own reasons, which I slowly uncover month after month.

Being in poly, I am able to focus solely on Science, a subject I was truly fascinated with since primary school. I did not have to divide my attention to 'unnecessary' compulsory subjects like English, Malay, Social Studies and Literature, which I neither had interest nor do well in. I am really happy to be in Biotechnology where my hunger for the knowledge in the Sciences is slowly satisfied. Though, as a saying goes, “The more you learn, the less you know”, there is really so much more about Science!

Being in poly too allowed me more freedom in managing my time. Unlike secondary school where there would definitely be homework every single day, poly provided me with more free time, which I put to good use. Apart from participating in the malay drama club in TP (Malay Arts Group - Titisan Temasek), I also helped out at a nearby mosque and once in a while I got together with friends in TP to organise events for ourselves and people who know us. I was satisfied with how I managed my time, being able to do well in my studies while contributing to the school as well as the community. At the same time, I was able to develop values like compassion, cooperation, perseverance, initiative and more.

Problems arised when on top of all that I had, I decided to work. My parents were strongly against the idea, fearing for my well-being and my performance in my studies, but I went against them anyway with the reason that I would like to experience the working world early so I would not get a shock when I enter the working world.

That was a decision I regret till now. A mistake I did that I could not forgive myself. I wasted my time, money and effort in something with so little returns. I felt really selfish and was really uncomfortable with the job. Besides, my studies were also affected. When I realized what I had done, I could not quit. Due to peer pressure, I was afraid to quit. Idid not want to be labeled as someone who easily gives up. I felt trapped with no choice. When I saw how I did for my term tests though, I know I had to do something. I had to quit no matter what happens. I know my priority is my studies and it is time I prove it.

I did not rely on my family or friends for support for fear they would tell me, “I told you so” and so I had to muster the courage on my own. I finally quitted in July 2007, four months after I joined the company, and focused on my studies again. I am glad I made that decision to stand for what I believe is right, just in time to be able to pull my grades up a little. I received the worst results that semester, but at least I passed all my subjects.

Since then on, even though I still contribute to my CCA and at the mosque, I had learnt that no matter what, my schoolwork deserves my topmost priority. There were times when it gets pretty challenging juggling three things at once, but with proper time management and a persevering and resilient spirit, I believe anything is possible!

All in all, I know I have not wasted my youth away.

I think I shall leave a trace this morning...

Haiz, I was happy over the weekends, see ABIT of development in myself and suddenly on Sunday evening I started getting all disappointed with myself back. :( So sad, when will I ever change, urgh! What will ever cause me to change??? Is Ramadhan not a strong enough reason??? Is death of a close one not a strong enough reason???

This Ramadhan Ust Jamal shared with us a few opportunities that we MUST NOT fail to seize, and they are:
1. The opportunity to seek taubatan nasuha (based on the hadith that Rasulullah saw mengaminkan doa Jibril, penghulu sekian malaikat, di mimbar)
2. The opportunity to be closer to the Al-Qur'an Al-Karim (syahru Ramadhan syahru Qur'an!)
3. The opportunity to manage time better
4. The opportunity to increase in good deeds
because failing to seize these opportunities amounts to getting the displeasure (wai in Arabic or celakalah in Malay) of Allah...

Sounds harsh huh, perhaps it is, but Ust Jamal was sharing this with a bunch of leaders, a bunch of pejuang agama, a bunch of da'ie ila Allah insyaAllah. Who are we to say we are leaders/pejuang agama/da'ie if we are so full of sins at the end of this month, or our hearts are not tied down with His words, or our time management is haphazard, or our deeds are just minimal?

Today marks the 12th of Ramadhan... 8 more days before we reach the last 10 days, 18 days till we meet the end of such a blessed month.

Andai ini merupakan Ramadhan terakhirku...

Anyway, my grandaunt passed away yesterday morning. Not really that close to her, only see her once a year or so. She's been sick for the past 18 years? For as long as I can remember, I only see her on a walking stick, half paralysed, walking very very slowly with the help of the maid. And for just as long as I can remember, each time we meet she would look at my face into my eyes for a long time, and when I salam her she would hold me close and each time she would leave me with some advice. Just as my other grandaunt, I remember them for their advices. Eventhough I can hardly remember what the exact advices are, common ones: study hard, don't go around looking for relationships, take good care of yourselves; I value them...

Yesterday I saw my grandaunt's face, so pale, so serene, so still. My granduncle was the first to tabur pacai (err...?) around her head, and looking at them, I just feel so sebak. I feel for him. He's been taking good care of her and now she goes, to return to Allah... I see my aunts and uncles and cousins continue to tabur pacai and I feel for them. What if it's my own mother there? Or my own grandmother? How it feels to see their pale face one last time and never to see it again afterwards except in pictures, videos and memory... Never able to talk to them again... Never to kiss them again... Never to see their smile again...

People leave us... No matter how close we are, how much we love and care for them, one day they WILL no doubt leave us... (Or we leave them first we don't know either) It's about how much we treasure having them around, being able to talk to them and seeing them smile... And it's about remembering that nothing, absolutely NOTHING is kekal in this world. There is only ONE who is kekal. And it's about remembering what are we here on this earth for again... All of us have a predetermined limited time given to us, all of us WILL go someday. The question is, what will be our state that we leave the world in, and will our deeds be enough when it's time to go?

Aww, mixed emotions...

K, I'm feeling frustrated cos I can't enter pac@gov to claim for my netbook!

And yes, I just got myself a HP mini this morning, and I'm so happy! I don't really know about brands (to me this HP school laptop I'm using just works fine with me but some people say bad things about it...) My China phone worked just as well, if not better, than my current Samsung Jet anyway.

I'm gonna take good care of it. It'll be my companion to and fro school from this coming sem onwards... It's small and light, whee!

Argh, I still haven't finish my tugasan, oh God...

Haiz, I was just thinking back... A number of my friends, and even my mum, would turn to me to ask about religious issues e.g. zakat, dyeing hair, dating etc and sometimes even when I'm not too sure about the dalil of certain issues etc, they'd ask for my personal take/principles on the issue... Yet I just feel that my knowledge is insufficient! Sometimes I just can't answer! (and yet sometimes I forget that I CAN honestly say 'I don't know') I mean, yeah, sometimes these issues arise at untimely hours when my mind would just go blank, eventhough at the back of my mind I know I've read about it before or heard about it being debated in class before etc and I just feel that "Hey Marl, you're a DPI student, you SHOULD know this at the back of your hand!" but yea, I guess my adab towards knowledge is still very insufficient.

And truthfully, sometimes I just get turned off too when the discussion gets too religious. I dunno... I just feel that I'm not there yet, and I can't bring myself to get involved y'know. You just feel uncomfortable and lost.

I admit, I am not a good Muslim (yet, insyaAllah) no matter what my outlook is. I have failed when I come face to face with certain challenges. Failed to nafs, failed the whispers of syaitan... Even those who may not LOOK as religious, some of them, really, I'm sure it is possible that they have a wider knowledge about Islam and that they are more consistent at practising Islam. I have my flaws... And sometimes I just want everything perfect, even in myself...

I dunno... Some may say, "hey, we're uhmans, we're not perfect" yet I cannot be sure if that is the right mindset, especially since WE are Allah's creation...

Ok, I'm rambling.

I'm very tired actually. So sleepy. Still frustrated.

Oh oh, I just felt super frustrated when I was reading the Berita Harian article about bubur Ramadhan at mosques. I dunno if I'm being judgemental towards the writer, but I feel that he's being judgemental of mosques uh... I mean, I dunno what experiences he could have had to say that alot of mosques in Singapore are mainly giving out bubur because of tradition....

What else did I wanna say eh? Alar takpelah...

All in all, today I think as much as I smiled alot, I frowned alot too. Aaaaah stress! Sumer panggil Marli Marli Marli during props making in school just now, boleh tercabut jantung.

Oh I just remembered what I wanted to say, terkejut sey dapat bill hp! *gulps*

I had been wanting to blog for days, but my health had been stopping me from doing so. Been feeling very very lethargic lately, need to drink more water I think, and get more rest...

Let's see, had La Cosa Nostra mock camp last weekend. Then Monday was a short rest, Tues had prog meeting 10am-7pm, Wed had IS at night, Thurs had prog meeting again 9am-2pm.

It seems alot, not to mention the almost incessant messaging. It certainly is not easy being Head Programmer. Alhamdulillah for the wonderful team, everyone contributes and we move forward together. We are truly like a family. Ohana, nobody gets left behind.

There are two issues I wanna talk about with regards to this orientation.

Firstly, it seems that people may think that I am putting to my effort and time in this orientation, which to their eyes is just another event. For awhile I had the same in my mind too. Questions creep to me, "Why are you doing this? Isn't it a waste of time? What's the point of doing it?" etc and yeah I lost focus and purpose. But I had a talk with two people recently who helped me see that there is a reason I'm where I am. I DO have a purpose to fulfill, and as I think deeper about it, yes indeed, yes indeed. Do not judge me as a person who is involved in JUST another program. Do not judge me as a person who is wasting my time. Do not judge me as a person who do not prioritizes well.... The event is less than a month away. There are alot of things that still needs to be done. And I have a responsibility to carry out. To many, it may mean nothing. To me, it is a platform for me to uphold what is right and stop what isn't. It's just about a month more. Bear with my absence. I'll be back insyaAllah.... in the meantime, do not judge me.

Secondly, I can't remember what's the second issue oredi, so nevermind it.

Still feeling feverish. Been dreaming alot during my sleep. Dreamt of the past when I was young. Dreamt of things that happened not too long ago. Dreamt of things I wish would happen. Dreamt of things I fear. Dreamt of my thoughts. Dreamt of all kinds of things.

Haiz, I'm just not in the best state right now. Alot of things happening around me. Alot of thoughts going through my mind.

There's so many people around me, with so many different values and principles that they hold to. Some may even contradict mine.

Some of my friends have been making fun of me, saying that the only songs I listen to is nasyid. Imagine what would they say if I say that I'm trying not to listen to songs at all.

Some of my friends make fun of me, saying that the shirts I wear are too long and baggy. Imagine what would they say if I say I wish to wear a jubah everyday.

Some of my friends are making fun of me, saying that I am too picky when it comes to food. Imagine what would they say if I say I check the ingredients of all the food that comes my way and if there's a better alternative (with a halal sign) I would go for it, including toothpaste.

Some of my friends laugh at me when I talk about amanah of the community's money (zakat untuk fisabilillah) and such. But I'm just trying to let them know what they know not. It is my responsibility. I do not wish to bersubahat. At the very least, I have brought up my point. Whether they accept what I say, at least I can answer later that I tried. I just wish I am a better speaker, such that people can see my points more clearly. Many Islamic scholars are fluent speakers, it's not a wonder...

Sometimes I feel I'm such a hypocrite. I wish I am not. I do not wish to say what I do not do. Though sometimes you have to.

This world is full of so many different people, with many different features, many different personalities, many different values and principles. But there's only ONE truth...

Many a time people do not put importance to religion. Or rather, they do not see the importance.

I wish I can declare that no matter what happens, religion comes first, but I know I can't... Cause I too many a time forget this priority.

Okok, enough about this... I'm just... in need of a spiritual booster.

I just wish I am in a better state right now. Spiritually, and physically.

This video just made me very very sad...



We share the same world, the same earth, yet....

It's something for us to think about.

Anyway, I had a crazy weekend, and the craziness didn't stop there.

I'm at SCBE again right now, supposedly to study and do work (but apparently my harddisk has decided to make it hard for me to continue ICT, it hanged!! I better back-up soon sehhhhh) but as usual, visit facebook first... And here I am now on blogger...

So yeah, crazy weekend....

Started off with Friday rush. Had ICT meeting at noon, and so had to create and fill a PBWiki page AND I also had to rush my Chem lab report before going for lab prac. Completed it late and went to lab late. I seem to miss the briefing every week. Thank God I have a friend like Harizah...

After lab, met up with the Bio gang (only Harizah and Jeffrey couldn't join us) to celebrate Pie's birthday at Sakura Pioneer. Haha, he kena saboed and he enjoyed it! We truly filled our stomach (though I had it better this time... the last time I went Sakura with family was super duper kenyang, tak senonoh seh perangai). And because we laughed and laughed and laughed (satu satu kerenah HAHA) we couldn't eat that much. It was a happy Friday night I should say.... Had been 'enjoying' myself alot sehh...

After the dinner celebration, I rushed home (did some work on the train to save time) and finished up the 3 e-learning ALS tasks. Managed to submit all within the last few minutes seh, haha, alhamdulillah. Perangai last minute habis! Buruk!

Then on Saturday morning, I attended the CLF at SMU. I was late, and pretty much lost, so I was so paiseh to enter initially. But then, what's the point of just sitting outside alone right?? So just braved myself and entered. They were still on the first speaker. He was a very good presenter! Mr Sunny Goh... Hmmm... Eventhough I was lost in the topic (I didn't go in the hope to understand anything anyway.... ), I felt that he managed to engage the audience well. I didn't really enjoy the second speaker. I dunno, I just find his presentation opinionated uhh... And his mimik2 muka tak penting eh. Maybe it's just me uh... I didn't get a feedback form to say that...

The discussion session was interesting. Open for 'debate' amongst the presenters, commentators and audience. About race vs class. About the media. And more uh. I felt out of place, the feeling of 'macam-paham'ness but since I told myself, "I'm here to be exposed to this, to observe..." and so, that's exactly what I was there to gain. I wish I can speak as well as them. 3 years to train myself to present better...

Afterwards, I walked around Bugis Junction to find a suitable present for Ad. I took a long time walking round and round. Some of the shops, I visited at least thrice la seh! I ended up buying three things for myself too. Yikes! My mum just told me not to spend unnecessarily these few months up to October to contribute abit to my eldest brother's wedding preparations. Uh oh. Felt so guilty for spending after that. But I needed the new wallet. My old wallet dah koyak rabak, zip pon dah tercabut. The air freshener thingy was a different matter though. Argh!!!

Then I rushed to pray, get murtabak, meet Jamie at Tampines, put the present together and travel to Changi Beach for Ad's birthday celebration....

Ad... I miss youuuuuu!!!!

We were there for a short while only, cos Ad had to rush back to her house for awhile to get the booking receipt for the pit and shelter, and since I had to go off anyway, I follwed her to Simei; Faj drove. Faj wore tudung already, so sweet! She's the 3rd friend I see started wearing tudung last year/this year. So anyway, when I parted with Ad at Simei, we hugged and I really felt like crying. I felt so so bad for having to leave early. I felt so so bad for not being there when she had the operation, or when she was facing life's challenges. She updated me about some things in the car, and I was like, "How I wish I could have been there... What a friend, I didn't even know..." Really, on the way to Simei mrt alone, I really felt like crying. I have truly neglected my family and friends. I dunno if what I'm practicing is the best for all, but yeah, I feel bad, I feel guilty.

I reached Masjid Kassim at 7 plus, just in time for Maghrib. After Maghrib, straightaway went for my duty for registration. Since I was handling registration, I entered the talk late. The talk was interesting, but... either I was too tired, or really, my heart needs some spiritual cleansing. It was hard for me to absorb what the lecturer was talking about. Maybe it's my perception that it would be a heavy topic which caused me hard to concentrate and make sense of it all. But I guess I managed to get the gist of it, especially with the follow-up by Ust Noor afterwards during dinner/supper. It makes me think and ponder, and gave me a headache as the topping on the ice-cream aka lack of sleep. InsyaAllah I'll attend all 8 talks. May Allah ease the path for me...

I reached home late. Argh! Dahlah weekdays duduk hostel, weekends pon sehari suntuk takde rumah, ish ish ish... But then, the time spent at home isn't quality time with the family anyways. I'll just be surfing the net. But then again, to come home so late, it just so... I dunno what's the right word... I guess, 'disrespectful'? Not that I'm very respectful of my parents to begin with, but hey, I'm trying.

Since I came home late, I woke up late the next morning! Ni seriously, bangun terkejut beruk nye. I woke up, saw the clock, and was like, "OHMYGOD! MAAAA!!!" Hahahaha. It was like 8.30, and I was supposed to relief a class at 8am!!!!! Crazy seh... Luckily, the main trainer for my class was still there. She didn't even know I was supposed to relief. Even the office didn't have my name on the list, anyway!!! Apparently I was supposed to replace another relief...

But yeah. The first class was like out of control seh. It was a sec 2 class. Very incooperative! But I let the main trainer just continue what she was doing uh. I had to conduct one of the activities, but only the start, cos after that the main trainer took over back. I felt redundant haha. But good experience of trying to control a class like that...

The next class was a good experience. Not without it's set of challenges of course. I had to relief with Kak Rabiah. Apparently she's a relief too, and so neither of us know where the students stopped and can't prepare much. When finally we got to figure out where the class stopped (from the students who came early/on time rather), we then found out that we couldn't open the slides. So I did a quick slide presentation according to the lesson plan. Copy paste seh! I managed to do halfway only. Continued again during break. And all in all, I did up a spontaneous slide presentation of 18 slides in that 2 and 1/2 hrs!

The topic was about physical care. But our focus was on beautiful soul. It was an interactive class. I loike! We talked about fairy tales, we read an article, we watched a video, we had group discussions, we had sharings, we had questions (dajjal semua keluar sehhh). Fun experience! The class was easier to handle. I only had trouble with one group who refused to discuss together throughout the whole class! I have a problem with quiet people. I dunno how to make them talk, seriously.

I'sd love to teach their class again :)))) But I can't commit uh... Especially since their class is at 11.30-2.30 and normally I'd have to attend my own class! Just that today has one week (or rather, one day) break.

Speaking of class... I think I I haven't been getting knowledge, I'd just been acquiring more and more information... I hadn't truly understood and applied those 'information' to life. Ish ish... I don't think I am a good representation of DPI students. Hish!

Need to be more humble. Need to remind myself that what I know is comparable to just a drop of water in the whole wide world. Maybe even less....

Ok, I should really get back to work. Spent more than 2 hours on this already. Aiyooooooo!

I wanna go out of Sg during the hols. Hopefully NEMC KRC falls on a holiday Sunday when I have no madrasah!!

Several years ago an imaam moved to London. He often took the bus from his home to the downtown area.

Some weeks after he arrived, he had occasion to ride the same bus. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him twenty pence too much change. As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, you better give the twenty pence back. It would be wrong to keep it.

Then he thought, oh forget it, it's only twenty pence. Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway, the bus company already gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from Almighty Allah and keep quite. When his stop came, the Imaam paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the twenty pence back to the driver and said "Here, you gave me too much change."

The driver with a smile replied,
Aren't you the new Imaam in this area? I have been thinking lately about going to worship at your mosque. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change.
When the Imaam stepped off the bus, his knees became weak and soft. He had to grab the nearest light pole and held for support, and looked up to the heavens and cried,
Oh Allah, I almost sold Islam for twenty pence!
Remember, we may never see the impact our actions have on people. Sometimes we are the only knowledge of Quran someone will read, or the only Islam a non-Muslim will see. What we need to provide, Insha Allah is an example for others to see. Be careful and be honest everyday, because you never know who is watching your actions and judging you as a Muslim

-Source Unknown

Credits: http://www.quranclub.net/2010/02/price-of-imaan.html

Shared by Sis Ashikin NTUMS. Tersentak jap bila baca. Our actions can truly reflect alot on Islam. We are young ambassadors of Islam wherever we go. I'm ashamed to have been proud of some of the things I had done or said over the past few days as I reflect back on what kind of image I had portrayed as a Muslimah.... And what's done cannot be undone...

I was going through my archives and found thisL

We KRC participants attended a post-KRC gathering last Sunday night and we drafted out a 'Fityan ikrar' which Ust Irwan will compile. In the meantime, this is my ikrar for short-term:

Aku, sebagai seorang Muslimah yang ingin cemerlang di dunia dan di akhirat berikrar untuk
-tidak melewat-lewatkan waktu solat
-mengutamakan urusan di rumah sebelum urusan di luar
-rajin belajar dan mengulangkaji pelajaran untuk ujian DAN peperiksaan
-peka atas keadaan orang-orang di sekeliling
-membantu mereka yang memerlukan
-memberikan usaha 110% dalam apa jua urusan

Time to reflect :) but I gotta get ready for madrasah now!

Kenneth Burke writes:

Imagine that you enter a parlor. You come late. When you arrive, others have long preceded you, and they are engaged in a heated discussion, a discussion too heated for them to pause and tell you exactly what it is about. In fact, the discussion had already begun long before any of them got there, so that no one present is qualified to retrace for you all the steps that had gone before. You listen for a while, until you decide that you have caught the tenor of the argument; then you put in your oar. Someone answers; you answer him; another comes to your defense; another aligns himself against you, to either the embarrassment or gratification of your opponent, depending upon the quality of your ally's assistance. However, the discussion is interminable. The hour grows late, you must depart. And you do depart, with the discussion still vigorously in progress.

The Philosophy of Literary Form 110-111

This was the paragraph shown during the first lesson of the academic discourse skills (don't ask me what is it) module. And we were asked 3 questions to think through.

1) What did you think about when you first read the paragraph?
2) what do you think Kenneth Burke is trying to convey?
3) Is there another hidden meaning to it?

Somehow or rather I related it to life. Was rather impressed with myself for inferring the metaphor that way haha. And eventhough it's wrong, it still set me thinking. Purpose. Roles. Contribution. Friends. Family. Legacy. Hmm... I'm too lazy to share here. Just posting this up, so that one day when I read my archives, maybe I'd stumble upon this and reflect on it....

Oh, I had sleep paralysis again a few days ago. I don't like it. Hope it never comes back.

I miss blogging...

And I... feel... that... I... had... been... too... comfortable in my bubble. I ignore what is going on out there. I refused to listen. I refused to have even a little bit of compassion in my heart. I refused to know...

I hadn't been good this week. Abit out of sorts, been doing some wrong things, I dunno. Astaghfirullah... No good no good. Next week should be better... but....?

I gained some insights on leadership with examples from the khulafa' rasyiduun from the NTUMS Induction Day today. It was interesting how they extracted the trait that they want to deliver then portray it through a simple and fun game :) We even learned more than what they set out for.

And it is always intriguing to hear Ust Noor talk about different views on different issues, as it was too just now at Masjid Alkaff with Teenz Camp personnel. I was tired and only paid attention half the time, but that is enough to make me long to be a better Muslim/Mukmin. Longing for it is not enough though. Maybe if I had been paying more attention, I'd be able to relate the longingness to actions.

Ok, I'm superbly shagged. I survived through the week with sweets. It helps to stay awake in, especially in Organic Chem! I ate 9 in the first lecture in the week, and 6 in the second one. The lecturer can be so draggy. I have yet to attain the level of an exemplary student. Of all lectures, I find myself being so noisy on OC, not making noises and talking and such larh, but because I get so exasperated at her that I would answer her questions loudly. Like if she asked, "are you done?", I would answer yessssssssssssss, when in fact I hardly voice out in other lessons haha.

I think I'm getting more talkative, or brave, or confident, depending on how you see it... Heheh.

Right right, I'm tired. Slept all the way from Pioneer to Paya Lebar just now...

I wanna watch The Mentalist, but.... *tired!!!!*

I think I'll give the 2nd part of induction tmr a miss. I can't take it already, seriously I need a break. I don't think I'll be taking the arabic class afterall. I don't think I have enough energy for it. I dunno lar, I very much want to take it... I feel rugi for giving it a miss... But really, I need to care abit more about my health. I'd been pushing myself to limits all the time, that I feel I may break anytime. No good, no good...

I find myself frowning more than smiling. No good, no good...

Saw this on Liyana's tumblr...

Seandainya telah engkau catatkan
Dia akan menjadi teman dalam menapaki hidup
Satukan hatinya dengan hatiku….
Titipkanlah kebahagiaan diantara kami
Agar kemesraan itu abadi
dan…ya ALLAH ya Tuhanku yang maha mengasihi
Seiringkanlah kami melayani hidup ini
Ketepian yang sejahtera dan abadi
Tetapi ya ALLAH…
Seandainya telah Engkau takdirkan…
… dia bukan milikku…
Bawalah ia jauh dari pandanganku…
luputkanlah ia dari ingatanku
Ambillah kebahagiaan ketika dia ada di sisiku
Dan peliharalah aku dari kekecewaan
Serta ya ALLAH ya Tuhanku yang maha mengerti
Berikan aku kekuatan
Melontarkan bayangan jauh ke dada langit
Hilang bersama senja nan merah
Agar ku bisa berbahagia walaupun tanpa bersama
Dengannya….
Dan ya ALLH yang tercinta…
Gantikanlah yang telah hilang
Tumbuhkanlah kembali yang telah patah
Walaupun tidak sama dengannya
ya ALLAH ya… Tuhanku…
Pasrahkanlah aku dengan takdirmu
Sesungguhnya apa yang telang Engkau takdirkan
Adalah yang terbaik buatku…
Karena Engkau maha mengetahui
Segala yang terbaik buat hamba-Mu ini…
ya… ALLAH ….
Cukupkanlah Engkau saja yang menjadi pemeliharaku
Didunia dan di akhirat
Dengarkanlah rintihan dari hamba-Mu yang daif ini….
Jangan biarkan aku sendirian
Di dunia dan di akhirat
Menjuruskan aku kearah kemaksiatan dan kemungkaran
Maka karuniakan aku seorang pasangan yang beriman
Supaya aku dan dia dapat membina kesejahteraan hidup
Ke jalan yang Engkau ridhoi
Dan karuniakanlah padaku keturunan yang sholeh….

Amin… ya… Rabbal… Alamin…

source: http://id.netlog.com/adinda_dedek/blog/blogid=3107

Ustazah Sakinah messaged me from Malaysia yesterday! I was so touched at her concern that it truly made me smile. Thank you for the advices, tips, reminders...

But as I was tossing and turning on my bed last night, I realise I couldn't sleep, again, If you know Marliyana, you know that I fall asleep the moment my head touches the pillow, sometimes not even halfway through my surah2/doa before sleep. Yesterday, after I finished all surahs and doa tidur, I tossed and turned, and tossed and turned, and tossed and turned, and finally decided to read my notes. Nearly 1am, I forced myself to read, I finished a second set of surahs and doa before I finally go to sleep facing the wall.

It got me thinking... Is what I told Ustazah as the source of the emo-ness, really the source? Or could there be something else? Hmmm...

I don't know...

Today's lecture was 3hours, with 2 breaks in between, and I took a nap during the second break (yesterday I fell asleep in lecture, but since I studied it in poly before, and I read through the slides already the night before, it was ok, I could catch up). The lecturer was very draggy, going on and on about the same point. I think I forgot to set my niat when I entered the lecture. But seriously it was really draggy, my friends were already drawing on tissue papers and all.

Oh lunch was a long and lonely affair, which I don't mind one bit actually. I haven't been having the proper appetite to eat. Yea I complain when I missed a meal, but really I don't really have much appetite I normally do. I've been asking for less rice. Yesterday I skipped breakfast, and today I am about to skip dinner (except for biscuits). And I took one hour to finish my lunch, I had to take a break like twice in between. Normally if I'm alone, I can finish my food in 10-15mins, cos I feel that the faster I finish eating, the faster I get going on to doing other things.

And when I went to Juring Point to buy some necessities for my room, I didn't feel compelled at all to buy a doughnut, or a cake, or a fruit or any kind of food at all...

But I did some shopping, if you can say so. Whiteboard, keyboard protector, pens, stapler, organizer... Things I need la. I am glad I can control myself from buying on impulse even when I'm shopping alone. I like shopping alone. I can enter a shop as many times I want, I can spend forever going around a shop, I can browse books as long as I want... If you get what I mean...

I wanna buy a new phone, so I can change to student plan. But I feel that there is no phone as durable as the China phone I'm using. I dropped it from a standing position and it works perfectly well. I've had water on it so many times and it's still working perfectly fine. And it had a loud radio and tv which I need staying in hostel... The only things it lacks is a much much bigger storage space and the better camera (despite being 8MP, it is always so dark).

Ok, I am ranting actually...

Had silat just now. For the second time ever, I couldn't wait to go for training, and both times the trainings are for seni... I think I prefer seni to tanding, despite how imperfect my moves are. Unfortunately, I wasn't chosen for the seni team. Quite sad about it, cos it means I only have tanding to prove my worth in silat! I think I have my theories ok, but practical-wise, I'm still so slow at applications. Need to work on balance, range, speed, accuracy and strength, woah. But yes, no doubt it is a good workout for your mind and physical self... I just hope to avoid any major injuries in future. The sprain (and to think how silly did I sustain the injury - losing baklance!) still makes me uncomfortable...

I should prepare for meeting with Sham tmr...

It's still the first week of school, and I have so many things on my to-do list!!!

✓ X
Let's discuss about Leadership in Islam! What do you think are the characteristics of a good leader? Provide examples from the Sahabahs or other Islamic leaders. How can a present-day Muslim leader apply them in our current context?
✓ X
Let's discuss about Leadership in Islam! How can we increase our leadership level towards ourselves, our families, our friends or the organisations we're in?
✓ X
Let's discuss about Leadership in Islam! Is leadership and religion interconnected? How can leadership make us a better Muslim? How then can Islamic teachings make us better leaders?
✓ X
Let's discuss about Leadership in Islam! What are some activities/strategies/plans/methods that can help us develop our leadership potential in line with Islamic teachings?
✓ X
Let's discuss about Leadership in Islam! How similar/different are Western leadership & Islamic leadership? Theory-wise and practical-wise?
✓ X
Let's discuss about Leadership in Islam! What is your opinion on the current situation involving Islamic leadership? Either small-scale or large-scale...

When most of us have reached our 20s, (at least intellectually, mentally and emotionally) the topic of discussion always seem to end up with... MARRIAGE

I wasn't part of the conversation, since I was still happily and merrily enjoying my zinger, but somehow I got involved in the conversation when Raudah suddenly asked, "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?"

Nasib tak terbegik aku ngan my happy and merry burger tu tau. Tak kena pasal sehh. Yang paling lagi nak terbegikkan adalah people think I am with someone now, an Ustaz for that matter. Even Liyana seems to think if it is true. Aiyoh people, you are my brothers and sisters, how can you still not know me!

Actually, entah eh... even my mum dunno me well enough. On Wednesday, when I went out with my mum, we started talking about how she used to be so scared I can't speak in public. Even up to Sec 4, she wasn't sure I could be vocal. Being in ELDDS in sec school, she thought I'd be just the background (I think she's thinking of trees or something), she didn't know I was in 3 not so small (not major, but certainly not small enough that only 40 prople watch) shows where over 200 people are watching. While in Titisan, she considered my roles as small enough, no doubt they were, and didn't think much about it. Yet, you're facing an auditorium full of people okeh!!

My mum was impressed about me giving the valedictorian speech at Perdaus haflah 2 years ago (ehhh, tak prasan dah 2 years ago!). And I'm like huh? That's (probably my one and only and) the worst speech I'd ever given, I think.

She was most surprised that I joined silat actually. She doesn't believe I have enough 'force' in me to punch/kick anyone. I didn't either, initially, actually. Ask Shikin, or Mir how tak bunyi were my punches and kicks to the padding for the first two months. Then ask Shikin again, and Jun, how I've improved, slight as it may be, after that. Aren't I glad I didn't tell my mum earlier I had joined silat? Confidence would have crashed, and I would have quitted immediately agaknya.

Eh why did I sidetrack so far... Part of the conversation with my mum, she told me that once a chinese woman she knows in the neighbourhood suddenly asked about me (she talks more about my second brother compared to me or my eldest bro) if I have a boyfriend (I really wonder how did she steer the conversation that way???) and my mum said her reply to her was, "She sure has many guy friends within her social circle, but I'm not too sure if she has one who's special." and the woman's reply was, "Can't be don't have..." Waaaah, make my mum doubt me seh. Firstly, why does my mum say I have many guy friends? Many meh? Who are she referring to?? Secondly, if really that's true then waah I have really changed. Ask Siti how many guy friends I used to have in sec sch. Or Ad for poly. (P.S. Ad I miss you so so much!) Hmmm... Thirdly, my mum thiks it is 'possible' even to a small extent that I have a boyfriend??? After all that I learn in madrasah??

Oklah, my mum actually doesn't think my madrasah has improved me at all. Padahal looking back at 12 years ago... even if I may not have been in the wrong set of company (my schoolmates alhamdulillah are all fairly good people since young, and I am especially closer to those who are not minahs and bitches), I would probably not be praying, or wearing tudung, or wearing jubah, or going masjid etc.

And neither does she think that the camps I'd been attending/organising have been doing me any good. Erm, where else could I have earned my vocalness?? Think back to KRC4 (the first impressions I set on most of my Fityan peeps), Camp Xplore 07 (when I totally couldn't talk during the debrief at the end of the camp because I was too choked up with tears being overwhelmed by all the emotions), to Gema Ghufran 07 (bet you don't even remember I was in the committee, typing the minutes half the time, calling and inviting people to come), to Night cycling (I can't even conduct a meeting within my department cos I can't seem to talk, much less lead!) to RYC 08 (when I'd stumble with my words as I try to give instructions for the games) to NI retreat 08 (when I still can hardly talk and deliver what I want to say, I left Mus and Liyana to lead), to NI mukhayyam (starting to brave up, yet Mus and Liyana still had to do most of the talking, to Camp Xplore 09 (where I was vice-chair, conducting a general meeting together with Azz), to RYC 09 (where I had to gather the station masters, some of who were still strangers back then, and explain how the Amazing Race works), to Pesantren Kilat (where I was one of the 3 female group leaders and thus have to maintain control, have to deliver certain instructions from the officers to my group, and sometimes to all the girls at once even, and they were strangers okayyyy, I didn't know a single one of them before the pesantren), I know, I clearly see and I am very much aware how much attending/organising camps have changed me. But nevermind.

Ok, this had unexpectedly turned into a reflection entry. Heheh. But yeah, fact is that la... Even my mum doesn't know me well, she doesn't recognise my potential, she doesn't know my strengths and weaknesses or all my likes and dislikes, neither does she believe I can do it, for anything at all... How can I not doubt myself all the time. Honestly, I still doubt if I can be a good teacher... even after the confident presentation for Critical Perspectives, where we were asked to 'teach' the class on a certain topic in groups of threes, and I felt that my presentation skill was rather good...

Hai.. Let's get back to the initial issue in this entry aite? After asking "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?", next question was "Who do you think can/will settle down within the next two years?"

Aah, the future is so full of unknowns...

10 years ago, who would have thought I'd be in Temasek sec (I only believed I was capable of entering a neighbourhood school, I was thinking I belonged in Springfield Sec!) or 5 years ago, who would have guessed I'd enter poly (after setting my eyes only on JC), or 3 years ago, who would have predicted that I'd join NIE (I truly doubted I could be a teacher. I respect the teaching profession alot, and whenever I hear anyone join the teaching profession, I'd be like "Wow, cool, I can't teach, I don't think I have the patience for it.")... Now, no one, no one can foresee when I'd get married, or to who I'd get married to... And for that matter, when I would die, or how I would die...

The future is so full of unknowns. Nabi Khidir had the mukjizat to know the future. That is probably one of the most dangerous knowledge one can have. It may be one of the most dreaded as well...

Let us just live for today, and treat it as a gift. Forget about yesterday, cos it's all in the past, and don't bother worry about the future cos it'll just give you a migraine...

By the way, I am still CURIOUS!!!! Who... urgh! Nevermind!

I wonder how dreams work. Why do we dream? What causes dreams? I don't want theories. I want to know the truth.

Yet how can we ever know that whatever we know is ever the truth?

I'm still in a dilemma constantly thinking about what is the truth and what isn't....

Do you miss friendster? It looks very much different from how it used to look like the last time I went in haha. What I miss about friendster most is the comments page. And it is interesting to read it back...

I think I have changed alot over the span of 3-4 years. The most noticeable trait I used to have that I no longer have is: being quiet. 10 people, all the way from sec sch to poly commented that I was a veryyy quiet person. Gosh, what telah happen to me?? I'm such a noisy tank now! Confidence boost? Or influence from the people around? I wonder how many people who know me now would ay they still find me quiet...

Abû Hurayrah relates that Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak a good word or remain silent. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to his neighbor. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to his guest.” [ Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim ]

Another trait I no longer seem to have is the ability to smile all the time. Nowadays my forehead seems to be stitched into a frown all the time. Friends say I look stressed all the time, such that it is rare to see me smile anyway :(

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "Charity is prescribed for each descendant of Adam every day the sun rises." He was then asked: "From what do we give charity every day?" The Prophet answered: "The doors of goodness are many...enjoining good, forbidding evil, removing harm from the road, listening to the deaf, leading the blind, guiding one to the object of his need, hurrying with the strength of one's legs to one in sorrow who is asking for help, and supporting the feeble with the strength of one's arms--all of these are charity prescribed for you." He also said: "Your smile for your brother is charity." - Fiqh-us-Sunnah, Volume 3, Number 98

Those that say I'm quiet... hahaha

Mohksin12/28/2006 9:05 pm
(= thx for the testimonial.didnt xpect it frm u.baru jgk kenal kn=) ive seen this sister ard jgk @ ghufran,but nvr really communicated.first impression, shes a VERY quiet girl!haha n i still think she is.jgn sangka pendiam itu satu kelemahan!She went thru EVERYTHING @ KRC!some of it r quite challengin n TABIK SPRING la u get to go thru it all!alhamdulillah!rase nye tk boleh comment byk sgt sbb tk kenal lg kott(= may Allah b ur source of guidance. teruskan perjuangan tersendiri di TP ya!rasenye semua org ada cara masing2 nk menegakkan Islam dan cara marliyana lain siket.tapi sekirenya nk mencarik adek bradek seperjuangan di TP,boleh la carik Nur Ikhwan.pasti mereka menerima dgn tangan terbuka=) Smoga Allah membimbing setiap langkah Marliyana.perjuangan ni tak mudah.kdg2 kita jatoh tp yg penting kita bgn semula dan terus lawan.jgn putus asa ya!Allah tak janjikn perjalanan yg mudah tp Allah janjikn perjalan penuh dgn hikmah=) ur brothers n sisters @ fityan will always b there 2 support u!

MiSsy BLur04/22/2005 7:06 pm
harlow, thankz 4 writing my testi for me.I
am writin back for u a testi .........i knoe
this ger from my cca lor......... first
impression of her is tat she is a shy &
quiet ger lor .........she is a sweet and
helpful ger she helps mi alot in my cca .
she teaches mi alot...... thankz her.....
she is a ger that i will remember coz
she bring mi joy and have a lovley smile
she makes mi laugh too....... she is a
smart and cute gal .........i am veri glad
to have u as my friend...... hope u dun 4
get mi hor.......... tat's all....byez!!!!!

Xx iLLaLARH xX09/09/2004 6:06 pm
hey0... thnx for the testi...
As f0r u my l0vely cousin: yaNa nye
orAng, swEEt and caring. kadang2
diam abEy tu oLang buAl, diE tuMpaNg
kEtAwEr...! hehe!! FrienDly oso... Yana,
sTudioUs, seLalu nGn buku!! Hehe!
MacaM kakAk duLu tetApi YanA leBih
PanDAi laa!! ~hAhA~ Kz>>> anyH0w,
tAke carE, stAy smI|Ing and StuDy
SmArT not StuDy H@rD!!

fatinizzah09/08/2004 8:11 pm
Hey Marl! thanks for the testi. and me?!
stuck-up?! hehe. yeah. this girl's nice.
she's very sweet.
so jealous. Hmmpph. A bit quiet tho.
We're not that close. Sumtimes when
I'm with her, i hardly know what to say.
Hehe. But hope that will change over the
years that we've been friends!. =D

Daphne07/02/2004 2:42 am
heyz!!'ssup..tis gurl here has been in
e same class as me since sec1..bt too
bad gt separated..well,marl is sucha
sweet gurl..always so helpful..she has
a aweet smile..and yeah,she's really
quiet sumtimes..(compared to me)..hahaz..well,take care..till e
next one..tata~ ^^
-hUggiez-

aSRi03/15/2004 11:30 pm
Helloz!! Haha. This girl is so quiet.
I just can't stand it seeing her so
darn quiet. But she's really fun to be
with if ya get to know her better.
She's just the girl-next-door kinda
girl. She's just very down-to-earth.
That's all I can say bout this sweet
girl. Stay positive Marl!

peiling12/29/2003 5:21 pm
aloha marilyana suprised hor i add u
testimonials cuz i nth to do so write a
testimonials for yew okay back to the
point she is veri quiet but she has a
nice smile and she veri cute
lolx..although i nt quite noe her but
she is a nice fren okay i will hv to
stop here buai buai...


syidaH12/14/2003 6:51 pm
helo marLl!! hahaKz.. dis girl.. she's
very quieT!! *whicH at times i just
caNt stand it cOz im one hell of a
loud and 4eva toKing person* (hehe)..
marL is very nice.. she has goT a very
good personaLity.. she's sweeT and
always haF got dis loveLy smile on
her.. sHe's very cLever!! *tsK.. no
fair* tHo she's quieT, she's
outgoing.. can toK to her ezly.. sHe
jokes round and everyTing.. very goOd
person.. :D

Hanamariya12/06/2003 11:47 pm
eyy marliyana! from wat i noe of her,
she's kinda quiet, soft-spoken and
juz.. i dunno.. so gentle!!! i dunno
how u can stand to be so patient(or
issit bcos i dunno u well? hmm..)
okok marl is one girl
u've gotta noe! if u want a patient
understanding great to talk to and
gentle wife/fren/gf. hehe cyaz!

shida12/05/2003 7:13 pm
Hello Marliyana. HmM~ We don't usually
talk much aRh` She's the quiet quite
type.. And I am the noisy noisy type.
HehHe` YarR~ She's sweet and adorable.
Very nice to talk to and friendly. =)
I don't really know her because we're
not really close. But I believe that
she's one smart girl~ Uh-huh! Very
clever. YaRr~ That is all I have got
to say about this sweet, nice,
adorable, cute, quiet, friendly, smart
lad. BuBbyE` Hope our friendship may
bloom like a flower~ Whee!



Smileeeeeeee

DihaNA01/02/2005 4:51 pm
hello.......sis...=)...emm....besh...besh...
akak da dapat contact nana guner f'ster
.....dis is my lovely cousin in s'pore......
kalo balik saner akak suker nak borak2
ngan nana....cumer jumper x jumper
jelarr...so, how's ur study?? study hard
yer....dis gurl mmg cute....like her sweet
face very much....akak suker tgk muker
nana time nana senyum...sweet sgt....
pasal pastport pun akak x sure...mak
mcm da malas nak bawak akak n didi
balik saner lagi...tp, insy...kalo ader
peluang akak mestilar nak balik saner....
kiter kan jarang jumper..nanti lepas nie,
biler jumper jer mesti nana da besar....=)
maybe da 18/19......hehehe....
klar...nana...study rajin2.....n jangan
luper akak kat sinie.......=)

Yan Shan10/16/2004 9:59 pm
Heyoz! Thnx 4 writin me a testi.. ^_^
Hmm.. wad i know about you is actually
quite little.. Thru the book club one.. but i
can tell she's very friendly, always
saying hi to me or waving me hi.. ^_^
Wel.. i also think she very cheerful one,
always her smile is there.. =D And very
helpful too, from wad i see.. O_O haha..
hope that you'll remain cheerful 4eva
and bring sunshine to everyone who
have the luck to meet u! Gd Luckz! ^_^

fierce???

iyliana12/03/2004 11:05 am
hey, grl!~ thanks for the testi. yeah? tis
grl, short but is sooo hard to bully.
hahahkz. she speaks out wadeva is in
her mind... a very sweet person.. i bet
she've got loads of friends now ;)

she's been so busy with school then got
no time with the ol' peeps... aiyoh... well,
okie grl... take care ks? next yr must jln
raye tau!!! love u! :)

Jeh Ni03/14/2004 1:43 pm
Hi :) Remember me? Known this girl...
since primary 3 back in TNPS... about
7 years ago already :) A very nice and
friendly person... can make u feel
very comfortable to be around with.
Can be very crazy sometimes also. A
very cheerful girl... rarely c her
angry 1. She knoes how to comfort pple
when they r sad... then later in the
end can get that person to cry because
she laughed 2 much :) Also just want
to let u knoe that i never regretted
having u as a friend. Although last
time not very close... because i think
u very fierce then i dun dare to talk
to u often :) Stay cool alwaes... take
care of yourself and drink more water.
C ya and keep in touch. Friends
forever, forever friends :)



Other comments

ShImA09/25/2007 1:08 am
Hi dearest Marliyana, hope you have had your beautiful rest....it was really fun working with you....very patient indeed...subhanallah....i really dunno how you had all the strength to stay throughout those nights thinking of the programs...subhanallah...really love working with you my dear.....hope you forgive me if i said something wrong or if i "tortured" you...hehe....take care k and keep in touch....muacks!...

Cherylene09/29/2005 11:18 am
Hellozzz! Juz dropping by to write u a testi!

Umm...During upper pri, She is in the class nxt to mine...In sec 1 and 2, she is aso in the nxt class...In sec 3 and 4, She is once again in the nxt class...haha...So I nv really had the chance to be in the same class as Marliyana...But I got to know her better thru our cca...

She is a really cute, friendly and bubbly gal who wld nv hesitate to lend u a helping hand...She is aso a nice person to talk to and wld give good advices....

Thanks for being such a great fren, Marliyana! All the best to ur O levels and may u stay in the pink of health alwayz...Tak care...(",)

MiNsI05/26/2005 11:46 pm
super niceeeeeeeeeeeee frien.. been
sittin bside her ever since we moved 2 e
MI room.. n tt's when i noe her better..

Marl is someone who alwaz makes
others feel impt.. she establishes e
class blog lor.. so enthu.. thnx 4 tt.. i
guess our class is much united now..

Don worry bout ur results lerh.. StRiVe
HaRdEr kk?? All e BEZ 4va...

B4 i go, thnx 4 ur cookies........... man,
they taste so nice... guess i will nvr b
able 2 bake them...

Zhi Xin11/01/2004 3:42 pm
Hello.....supermario~~haha.........that is
what i call her.She is a hardworking girl
everytime group work she and the
others(girls) doing the homeworks
assigned to us while i and marcus
slacking......even after the exams she
also learn the Arabs kinds of
things....hai~~~
anyway, happy holidays

-ZhiYu-08/31/2004 9:55 pm
thx 4 ur testi,now i return u the
favour.marliyana..my senior..she veri
helpful tt why mdm liang put her wiv
me so tt she can help me...she veri
sweet n beautiful young lady..takes
gd care of her juniors..though i duno
her tt well can see from the way she
does the library work,veri
responsible..veri sporting too,seen
her dressed up in racial harmony
clothings n oso for the retro
thingy.should haf been a gd example
4 ur class oso for the sec1s.. best
wishes 2 u in both studies n cca..bye..

shairah08/20/2004 11:28 pm
a sweeet, patient gurl who lurrvees cats...she's
just like me!! (jking! but seriously, the
similarities are freaky!) met marliyana
during sec 1 but got to noe her better
during eldds meetings...can confirm dat
she's soooo sweet and lembut, she
makes everyone looks bad! anywae to
my fellow-cat-fanatic, thanks for my
testi! c ya sooooon~

I miss my old me...

Yesterday there was no moon. So I suppose tonight the new moon should be appearing. Afterall it's gonna be 1st muharram, signifying the start of the new year in the Islamic calendar at sunset, Maghrib today. And in less than 15 days, we'll meet the new year in the Masihi calendar. What calendar is the standard one? Gregorian izzit?

I've yet to reflect (specific word: muhasabah). I'd been having too much fun. Marl, Marl...

Marliyana ada banyak cerita niari. Marliyana tak tau nak mula dari mana. Random k.

Marliyana lapar. satu hari cuma makan kuih belanda (yang biscuit roll tu), nasi minyak pat jemputan tengahari tadi dan 1 roti sardine bersalut telur. Tapi kat rumah tinggal maggi je and Marliyana ngah pikir banyak-banyak kali pasal MSG dalam maggi. Marliyana taknak jadi bodoh. Marliyana suka jadi pandai.

Marliyana niari bangun awal. Pukul 2 pagi bangun belajar Tafsir, pukul 4 tertido, pukul 5 bangun balik, pukul 6 tertido, pukul 7 bangun balik. Alhamdulillah dapat habis 90% ulangkaji, tapi bila duduk untuk exam tu cam tak tahu cammane nak apply. Lagi-lagi kertas 2, closed book, dia mintak hukum yang rajih (ni ok jugak) berserta hujjah-hujjah ulama'-ulama'! Nama ulama' semua dah mixed up, apa tak nye ada agaknya 20-30 hukum. Nak hafal ayat-ayat Qur'an & hadith-hadith tak kesampaian, jadi exam tu tulis ajelah sehampir mungkin dengan dall-dalil yang ingat. Tak exact words.

Exam tafsir tu kat Jurong West, dekat dengan NTU/NIE. Lepas kertas 1, Marliyana langsung mulakan Kertas 2, tanpa rehat 1/2 jam seperti lazimnya sebab Marliyana nak cepat. Lepas Kertas 2, Marliyana singgah asrama jap, pastu ikut parents gi jemputan kat Chai Chee. Pat jemputan ada kawan dari masjid istighfar, kenal dari ITQAN & qiyam pat En-Naeem kelmarin, jadi kendarat. Tapi tengok dia, dia buat bodoh, takde wajah untuk menunjukkan dia recognise Marliyana pon, jadi Marliyana pon buat bodoh ah. Makanan pat jemputan tu sedap, rasanya sama caterer dengan caterer untuk majlis makcik Marliyana minggu lalu. Creative kalau tak silp. Gitu lah namanya.

Lepas Zohor, Marliyana gi madrasah pat Tampines pulak, untuk Kertas Kepimpinan Dalam Islam. Marliyana rasa Kertas 1 okeh, tapi sebahagian daripada Kertas 2 susah sangat. Marliyana main hentam aje.

Lagi 5-10 minit nak tamat peperiksaan, Marliyana hantar kertas sebab dah tak boleh fiir lagi. Marliyana jumpa parents pat Afghanistan, minum bandung dalam beberapa teguk sahaja terus jalan-jalan sikit ngan mak. Baju-baju dekat daerah situ lawa-lawa, dan walaupun rasa perlu untuk beli baju baru, Marliyana tak beli sebab tak bawak duit lebih, dan malas nak withdraw. At last, mak Marliyana belanja beli 2 pyjamas, sebab pyjamas yang ada dah tinggalkan kat asrama. $6 kat lelong, murah lah tu.

Malam, Marliyana ikut mak dan makcik Marliyana jalan-jalan kat Tampines. Nak katakan shopping, boleh jugak arh. Marliyana beli 2 kasut & 1 seluar tracks. Memang dah lama nak beli kasut, untuk pakaian semi-formal kat sekolah & untuk bila pakai jubah (tak senonoh gitu pakai jubah abistu pakai kasut $6.90 yang mak label sebagai 'kasut nyonya' yang Marliyana biasa pakai tu), jadi bila ada kasut semurah $10.80 & $15.90, Marliyana belilah.

Itu je kejadian hari ni sebenarnya...

Tapi adalah hal-hal lain. Marliyana masih memikirkan tentang apa yang Marliyana 'belajar' Jumaat & Sabtu lalu. Walaupun Marliyana belum dapat menerima semuanya dan memberikan kata akhir, sekurang-kurangnya, Marliyana rasa Marliyana dah mempunyai suatu pendirian yang sesuai buat masa ni, supaya tak terlalu stress fikirkan ni.

Marliyana rasa Marliyana banyak stress kebelakangan ni. Sebab asyik pening-pening kepala macam migraine. Nak jumpa doktor macam tak perlu, tapi takut jugak kalau ada apa-apa tak kena. Semoga dijauhkan sebarang penyakit dan musibah. Amin. Lebih-lebih lagi Marliyana baru-baru ni dengar cerita ada orang sakit-sakit kepala, rupanya darah tinggi sampai satu hari tahap tekanan darahnya terlalu tinggi sehingga urat dalam otak pecah menyebabkan stroke sebelah badan dan kehilangan kebolehan untuk berkata-kata.

Oh, kelmarin bila Marliyana pergi Body Worlds, Science Centre & Imax Theatre dengan Harizah & Mahmudah, case kamera Marliyana hilang. Dah cari & dah laporkan, sekarang Marliyana redha & tawakkal sahaja. Mudah-mudahan Marliyana dapat balik, tapi kalau tak, mungkin Allah akan gantikan dengan yang lebih baik... Cuma, kalau Marliyana hilang kebolehan untuk menggerakkan setengah badan atau untuk bercakap, tu Marliyana tak pasti jikalau Marliyana dapat redha & tawakkal. Mudah-mudahan dijauhkan musibah seperti itu...

Tadi petang, ada kawan tu sms Marliyana, tapi mungkin cara Marliyana kurang menyenangkan hati, Marliyana rasa dia merajuk dengan Marliyana. Marliyana tak tau apa nak buat. Marliyana tak pandai nak pujuk orang, lebih-lebih lagi melalui sms. Nak call, Marliyana macam takut pulak kalau dia marah dengan Marliyana. Jadi Marliyana buat bodoh. Serba salah pulak rasanya. Tapi Marliyana benar-benar ada hal Selasa malam ni... Memang boleh skip, tapi... entah. sememangnya Marliyana serba salah.

Besok malam kawan Marliyana nak pergi Laos, bukan untuk Sea Games, tapi untuk buat kebajikan. Marliyana rasa Marliyana nak hantar dia sampai airport. Marliyana suka jalan-jalan kat airport sebenarnya. Marliyana rindu sangat nak naik kapal terbang... tapi...

Parents Marliyana dah benarkan Marliyana bercuti dengan kawan sepanjang dua minggu ke Australia bulan Jun depan. Marliyana pon dah bilang kawan Marliyana tu. Sekali, bila belajar untuk exam Tafsir tadi, Marliyana terlintas dengan suatu hadith, tak pasti riwayat siapa, dan samada ia sahih atau tidak, tapi Marliyana yakin Ustaz cuma menggunakan yang sahih sahaja untuk menyokong hukum-hukum yang disebut dalam nota tu. Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w.: "seorang wanita tidak dibolehkan keluar bermusafir lebih dari tiga hari kecuali ada bersamanya mahramnya." Marliyana yakin parents & abang-abang Marliyana taknak (atau tak mampu, maklumlah bujang nak kahwin...) pergi Australia. Jadi, rasanya Marlliyana terpaksalah batalkan nist nak kesana, melainkan pada masa tu Marliyana dah ada suami, dan kemungkinan ini rasanya amat tidak berkemungkinan langsung... Tengoklah macam mana... Kalau ada rezeki dan telah ditetapkan Marliyana akan dapat jejak Australia, maka suatu hari nanti Marliyana akan jejak juga. Lagipun keluarga Marliyana sedang menghadapi sedikit kesempitan wang jugak, jadi... yelah...

Tapi Marliyana sedih jugaklah. Dah ghairah sungguh... Mungkin nanti Marliyana cari lebih lanjut pasal hadith tadi kott. Niat Marliyana nak pergi Australia pun, selain untuk 'lari daripada dunia Singapura 24/7' adalah untuk menziarahi Umairah untuk melihat keadaan belia-belia Muslim disana, dan untuk mengalami melihat kangaroo yang bermacam-macam jenis di sana sini serta mengalami snow, kalau berkesempatan.... Takpelah, Marliyana simpan niat tu baik-baik okeh.

Tadi semasa nak berjalan ke majlis jemputan, Marliyana nampak motor (vespa agaknya) warna pink yang comel dan lawa sekali. Bila Marliyana tunjuk mak Marliyana, mak Marliyana setuju ia cantik, dan lebih penting lagi, mak Marliyana setuju kos motor lebih murah, dan ia lebih laju maka ia merupakan sesuatu yang praktikal bagi seorang pelajar. Mak Marliyana nampak ok aje kalau Marliyana nak amek lesen motor. Kalau ye betul Marliyana cekal hati untuk dapatkan lesen motor, Marliyana nak dapat sebelum Ogos tahun depan, jadi bila Marliyana masuk tahun kedua, Marliyana tak perlu sewa asrama lagi, dan kos asrama serta kos makan minum dan tambang bas dan sebagainya dapat disalurkan untuk membayar harga motor dan minyak. Yang membuat Marliyana teragak-agak ialah Marliyana rasa malu nak belajar motor, memandangkan yang belajar motor kebanyakannya lelaki... Marliyana tak selesalah nak langkah naik motor semua depan lelaki...

Marliyana singgah kedai singtel & Starhub tadi. Marliyana amat tertarik dengan telefon bimbit Samsung Preston, Samsung Jet & Samsung Omnia II. marliyana sebenarnya dah sediakan wang untuk untuk hp baru, tapi cuma Marliyana malu nak tanya-tanya harga dekat kedai. Lebih-lebih lagi kalau tukang jual tu jenis yang tak kuasa nak layan orang. Maklumlah orang ramai beli i-phone, Marliyana tak pandang pon telefon tu. Bila malu, Marliyana gagap & teragak-agak nak berbual, sampai salesperson tu pon tak paham apa Marliyana nak. Yang Marliyana dapat tahu tadi, Singtel kira mengikut per minute billing, dan Samsung Preston berharga $48 dengan student plan...

Kelmarin Marliyana berasa ghairah tentang Persantren Kilat. Marliyana yakin sangat ia mungkin merupakan sesuatu yang dapat mendidik dan merubah Marliyana menjadi lebih berdisiplin sebagai seorang Muslimah dalam amalan-amalan harian. Marliyana pon dengar feedback yang positif dari Mahmudah. Tapi lepas Marliyana dapat ketahui lebih lanjut, Marliyana jadi kurang pasti pulak. Mudah-mudahan niat Marliyana yang asalnya tercapai, disamping mendapatkan pengalaman baru...

Marliyana rasa Marliyana dah tahu kenapa Marliyana bersikap sangat temperamental kebelakangan ini, dan Marliyana semacam tidak boleh mengawal perasaan marah atau irritated. Bukan sebab Marliyana rebellious. Marliyana cuma kehilangan kesabaran terhadap setiap yang berlaku. Marliyana perlu lebih relekskan diri dan minda supaya tidak terlalu wound-up... Ya Allah, berikanlah aku kesabaran...

Marliyana tak tau kenapa alih-alih Marliyana blog sebegini. Marliyana memang rasa lain semacam gitu, tapi tak apalah. Marliyana dah ngantok. Dah lebih satu jam Marliyana taip. Marliyana nak tido. Marliyana dah penat berfikir. Marliyana nak shut-down buat beberapa jam...

Sore throat (which hurts super badly when I sneeze) for the past two days or so and a teeny bit of wheezing this morning... Luckily i can joyfully still swallow my food. I guess I deserve it. Need to account for some of my wrongdoings...

I feel like a hypocrite sometimes, you know... what comes out of my mouth is different from what I do. And i dislike that! Yet, what comes out of my mouth is still the truth. I don't really have another answer... Hmm...

La tahzan la tahzan. Jangan kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, Ali-Imran: 139

I'm not strong enough.

I wish to be a better Muslim, but some of my decisions and actions don't reflect so.

Some important lessons I learned from Twilight are self-control and choice. Of course, in a different context eh! But yeah, self-control and choice... And they're related too. How much self-control you have reflects on the choices you make...

Speaking of choices. My most recent facebook status is: Marliyana Mohd Noor has made the choice early, and i shall stick to it. InsyaAllah I have a purpose, and it will be beneficial. O Allah, please grant me strength to carry through with the choice I had made and to work towards being a better Muslim at the end.

Here I refer to three choices I'd made.

1) A smaller, yet nothing less significant nonetheless, decision to skip the Fityan retreat for the week-long Persantren Kilat from 19-25 Dec @ Masjid Pertempatan Melayu. I really hope that it would be a proper closure to this year, to make me strong enough and disciplined enough for next year. I find that this is more crucial and of higher priority than spending 3 days with my Fityan family, would would probably be beneficial too, though I'm not as sure of it's impact due to the duration, as well as my comfort zone. I need to be plunged out of my bubble, as Dr Jason Chang had put it (aww I miss him haha) when we left for SIP.

2) A choice I had made about 11 years ago. According to my mum, I had wanted to join madrasah(part-time), and I do remember something like my mum warning me that it wouldn't be easy to commit, asking if I am ready to sacrifice some of my time and see through it that I complete my madrasah education, and I had been prepared to multitask to gain the best of both worlds. I'd say I have gone a long way. My eldest brother reached Pri 6 and stopped, whereas my second brother stopped halfway. Myself? I started when I was in Pri 3, making me the oldest in my class in Permulaan at Ghufran last time. Then, since the mudirah was my aunt, I skipped Pri 1 to enter Pri 2 straightaway into a class with a few my age. I remember the joy of completing Pri 6. When I wanted to continue into secondary, my dad didn't see the point of it, yet I was prepared to pay the fees for Perdaus if I really have to. Of course, in the end my dad still paid my fees and textbooks for me, and even send and fetch me every Sunday from class. Now, I am in 2nd year of DPI @ Andalus. Truthfully, I complain alot. I am sacrificing my rest on a Sunday, plus $77.50 per month from my own pocket, since I started NIE. I need to remind myself that it is a choice I had made and have committed myself to. I was first reminded of this when I was given a choice to take up an Arabic course @ Zuhri on Saturdays for the next 2 years. I'm still contemplating...

3) The biggest, and rather, one of my worst worries: My choice to go through with NIE. 8 years is not a simple feat to swallow. I've yet to digest it properly. But I'm in, and there's no turning back. For this, I have a reason for choosing this choice, and I truly believe that I'm meant to be here, that there is a purpose I need to fulfill. InsyaAllah, I have been reminding myself this, and I shall continue to remind myself. I am scared, honestly. But since I'd taken the first step, really, I should just continue walking, if I can't run, or I should even crawl/drag myself if I have too.

This journey I have chosen (which is my life) is NOT gonna be easy, and so I ask Allah for the strength to carry on, to never give up, and to continue giving my best in whatever I do. (Though sometimes I feel so ashamed of asking Allah for anything, for i feel I do not deserve it, yet only to Him I pray, and only from Him I ask.... And He is Most Generous...)

Journey of purpose... During Fityan FLAP, we were asked to ponder and write down and share why are we doing what we do for the youths, and during usrah, we were asked to share our life goals. These set me thinking, and reminded me of my purpose. The purpose I had discovered in sec 4 madrasah, yet only truly believed and try to work towards since I joined Fityan (and probably NI) comm, which always reminds us of our niat...

My plans to reach my life goals are not concrete yet. I should really work on it especially at this time of the year, at this point in my life. I'm gonna turn 21 very soon! My Vision Board, which i did after ITQAN needs to be tweaked ;)

I think the best song to describe all these is: