I shall be driving again today :) Abit excited, abit nervous, abit "aiyar, just do it". I shall strive till I get a license this time round insyaAllah. It's about time... I dunno, I just feel like 21 is an age to get up and grow up. I never had the confidence that I will pass driving before this just as I had no confidence of being a facilitator or mentor. But at 21, I find myself saying that if I don't have confidence now, I never will.

I still don't have the confidence of leading a group of people my age or older towards the betterment of society though. Still hiding in my shell and telling myself that people will look down on my capabilities and there's no point in leading people whom I would have to spend time earning trust. I need to show what I'm capable of first (though I've yet to move towards it, since I don't know if that path is what I want to pursue in).

Haha, this reminds me of the conversation I had with Amina on the train a few days ago. She kept being surprised at what I'm capable of. And when I asked her what was her first impression of me the first time I stepped into the room for the first meeting with the advisors, commandant, deputy commandant (herself), coordinator and co-ccoordinator, she said that she thought that I look like an English teacher and is in the welfare role (HAHA). I as the head programmer was 5th in command and I guess I showed that I'm a follower rather than a leader back then. But the way Amina is surprised is like funny! She was so surprised at how the creativity and ideas flowed in programmes team (though that was largely due to a very wonderful team which included Luthfi the ideas generator). She was so surprised to know I was in silat and so can't imagine me doing it (actually I don't see myself doing it either, I was just trying new things heheh and I learned cool stuff indeed and I think I did lose some weight :D). She was shocked to see me carrying the thick Invertebrate Biology book around and can't see me as a Science-y person (well, if she means to say I don't look like a nerd, thank God, but really, I love and am passionate about Biology especially Molecular Biology stuff!). And she was super impressed when I solved all 3 (easy, medium AND hard) codes on mastermind in 7 steps or less! Hahahaha I may not show that I have IQ, but gosh, have I been showing like I'm such a dumb bimbo? Hmm, a point to ponder on ehhh.

Ok, I'm 2hrs away from driving. Whee? I should go get ready now, wouldn't want to be late.

Because of driving, I'm like super broke. Never in my life have I had less than $450-500 in my bank account and today it stands at $9 plus 0_o

Come on Marliyana, you can do it. Get up and move it! You have faced worst situations before, right? This is nothing. This is just another obstacle in the way in making you a better person, a better Muslim. Isn't that what you always strive for time and again? This isn't the first time you fall. You've fallen and you've managed to rise up again. Almost immediately sometimes. Always making things better at the end of it. Always giving your best anyways. Is whatever you're doing right now the best you can offer? If you see this as a failure, making you tumble and fumble around on the ground finding for something you grasp on, then why continue to fumble? Place your hands firmly on the ground and push yourself up, rise up, face the challenge, it's not too late, this is just nice for you to do something and make things right. You wanna be able to facilitate better right? This is an opportunity for you to improve. Go for it. Go all out and give your best as you have always done.

I see some sense in what you're saying dear mind. Thank you for giving this piece of heart a piece of your mind. I, your heart is not fully convinced, but indeed there is some truth in what you say dear mind. We need to work closely. I'm not fully convinced with all that you have to say but I shall try.

Don't try dear heart, don't just try. Give. Do. Be the best that you can.

Oh dear mind, it's much easier said than done. It's much easier said that done... Help me think of something and then we talk again.

Alright, I will think of something and I'll bother you again later dear heart. In the meantime, I ask you of one thing. Please revisit your intentions and correct it if it hadn't been on the right track, ok dear heart?

I shall try.

Don't just try. Do it. You have to. For both our well-being. Remember, you have a purpose to be where you are. Carry out the divine purpose that you feel you are here for.

And you shall carry out the divine purpose that you think you are here for too ok?

Ok, that's a deal.

Right, it's a deal then. Hear from you again later.

I juz find this conversation cute haha!


person A
blh tanya sesuatu?
itz kinda sensitive though..
but up to u to say or nt lar..


person B
okeh

person A
have u been like a person b4?

person B
been like a person?
oh!
as in has someone liked me before?

person A
u like someone i mean..
ya tatz one also can..
both lar..

person B
haha kalau samada ade someone like me b4 ke t tak tau la pulak, no one has said anything to me, and i do not wish to interpret wrongly of ppl's moves/words takut create fitnah... baik sangka jelah
kalau me like someone...
haha come on, let's be human ;)
of cos ade la crushes here n there
but i dun acknowledge these feelings
juz nafs
always try to remind myself this isnt right lar

person A
hmm ic..

person B
liking someone takut2 jadi zina mata atau zina hati sekalipun bukan zina physically
but yea, adela have crushes on ppl... im human, n im a a woman lol
it's fitrah bg seorang wanita tertarik pd seorang lelaki
cuma now's not the time to layan these feelings. takmu mentel!!! hahaha

person A
hahaaha...
yes mdm!

When most of us have reached our 20s, (at least intellectually, mentally and emotionally) the topic of discussion always seem to end up with... MARRIAGE

I wasn't part of the conversation, since I was still happily and merrily enjoying my zinger, but somehow I got involved in the conversation when Raudah suddenly asked, "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?"

Nasib tak terbegik aku ngan my happy and merry burger tu tau. Tak kena pasal sehh. Yang paling lagi nak terbegikkan adalah people think I am with someone now, an Ustaz for that matter. Even Liyana seems to think if it is true. Aiyoh people, you are my brothers and sisters, how can you still not know me!

Actually, entah eh... even my mum dunno me well enough. On Wednesday, when I went out with my mum, we started talking about how she used to be so scared I can't speak in public. Even up to Sec 4, she wasn't sure I could be vocal. Being in ELDDS in sec school, she thought I'd be just the background (I think she's thinking of trees or something), she didn't know I was in 3 not so small (not major, but certainly not small enough that only 40 prople watch) shows where over 200 people are watching. While in Titisan, she considered my roles as small enough, no doubt they were, and didn't think much about it. Yet, you're facing an auditorium full of people okeh!!

My mum was impressed about me giving the valedictorian speech at Perdaus haflah 2 years ago (ehhh, tak prasan dah 2 years ago!). And I'm like huh? That's (probably my one and only and) the worst speech I'd ever given, I think.

She was most surprised that I joined silat actually. She doesn't believe I have enough 'force' in me to punch/kick anyone. I didn't either, initially, actually. Ask Shikin, or Mir how tak bunyi were my punches and kicks to the padding for the first two months. Then ask Shikin again, and Jun, how I've improved, slight as it may be, after that. Aren't I glad I didn't tell my mum earlier I had joined silat? Confidence would have crashed, and I would have quitted immediately agaknya.

Eh why did I sidetrack so far... Part of the conversation with my mum, she told me that once a chinese woman she knows in the neighbourhood suddenly asked about me (she talks more about my second brother compared to me or my eldest bro) if I have a boyfriend (I really wonder how did she steer the conversation that way???) and my mum said her reply to her was, "She sure has many guy friends within her social circle, but I'm not too sure if she has one who's special." and the woman's reply was, "Can't be don't have..." Waaaah, make my mum doubt me seh. Firstly, why does my mum say I have many guy friends? Many meh? Who are she referring to?? Secondly, if really that's true then waah I have really changed. Ask Siti how many guy friends I used to have in sec sch. Or Ad for poly. (P.S. Ad I miss you so so much!) Hmmm... Thirdly, my mum thiks it is 'possible' even to a small extent that I have a boyfriend??? After all that I learn in madrasah??

Oklah, my mum actually doesn't think my madrasah has improved me at all. Padahal looking back at 12 years ago... even if I may not have been in the wrong set of company (my schoolmates alhamdulillah are all fairly good people since young, and I am especially closer to those who are not minahs and bitches), I would probably not be praying, or wearing tudung, or wearing jubah, or going masjid etc.

And neither does she think that the camps I'd been attending/organising have been doing me any good. Erm, where else could I have earned my vocalness?? Think back to KRC4 (the first impressions I set on most of my Fityan peeps), Camp Xplore 07 (when I totally couldn't talk during the debrief at the end of the camp because I was too choked up with tears being overwhelmed by all the emotions), to Gema Ghufran 07 (bet you don't even remember I was in the committee, typing the minutes half the time, calling and inviting people to come), to Night cycling (I can't even conduct a meeting within my department cos I can't seem to talk, much less lead!) to RYC 08 (when I'd stumble with my words as I try to give instructions for the games) to NI retreat 08 (when I still can hardly talk and deliver what I want to say, I left Mus and Liyana to lead), to NI mukhayyam (starting to brave up, yet Mus and Liyana still had to do most of the talking, to Camp Xplore 09 (where I was vice-chair, conducting a general meeting together with Azz), to RYC 09 (where I had to gather the station masters, some of who were still strangers back then, and explain how the Amazing Race works), to Pesantren Kilat (where I was one of the 3 female group leaders and thus have to maintain control, have to deliver certain instructions from the officers to my group, and sometimes to all the girls at once even, and they were strangers okayyyy, I didn't know a single one of them before the pesantren), I know, I clearly see and I am very much aware how much attending/organising camps have changed me. But nevermind.

Ok, this had unexpectedly turned into a reflection entry. Heheh. But yeah, fact is that la... Even my mum doesn't know me well, she doesn't recognise my potential, she doesn't know my strengths and weaknesses or all my likes and dislikes, neither does she believe I can do it, for anything at all... How can I not doubt myself all the time. Honestly, I still doubt if I can be a good teacher... even after the confident presentation for Critical Perspectives, where we were asked to 'teach' the class on a certain topic in groups of threes, and I felt that my presentation skill was rather good...

Hai.. Let's get back to the initial issue in this entry aite? After asking "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?", next question was "Who do you think can/will settle down within the next two years?"

Aah, the future is so full of unknowns...

10 years ago, who would have thought I'd be in Temasek sec (I only believed I was capable of entering a neighbourhood school, I was thinking I belonged in Springfield Sec!) or 5 years ago, who would have guessed I'd enter poly (after setting my eyes only on JC), or 3 years ago, who would have predicted that I'd join NIE (I truly doubted I could be a teacher. I respect the teaching profession alot, and whenever I hear anyone join the teaching profession, I'd be like "Wow, cool, I can't teach, I don't think I have the patience for it.")... Now, no one, no one can foresee when I'd get married, or to who I'd get married to... And for that matter, when I would die, or how I would die...

The future is so full of unknowns. Nabi Khidir had the mukjizat to know the future. That is probably one of the most dangerous knowledge one can have. It may be one of the most dreaded as well...

Let us just live for today, and treat it as a gift. Forget about yesterday, cos it's all in the past, and don't bother worry about the future cos it'll just give you a migraine...

By the way, I am still CURIOUS!!!! Who... urgh! Nevermind!

I wonder how dreams work. Why do we dream? What causes dreams? I don't want theories. I want to know the truth.

Yet how can we ever know that whatever we know is ever the truth?

I'm still in a dilemma constantly thinking about what is the truth and what isn't....

My mum: Dari tadi aku tengok kau makaaaaaan je (You've been eating since just now)
Yours truly: Abe duduk rumah (That's what I do at home)
My mum: Tak makan tido, tak tido makan (If you're not eating, you'd be sleeoing, and vice versa)
Yours truly: Ah gitu la (That's how it goes)

I sound like a pig... This is why... I prefer to go out! Haha.

But I've got alot to deal at home anyway. Cleo's done. Minutes done. Studying time!

Or lunch/nap first eh? Hehehe ;)