It's more than two weeks of holidays after exams and I've filled my time with exciting activities :) Really refreshing indeed...

I miss blogging, but each time I want to blog, there's always something better I ought to be doing, even now haha. I've got some programme materials to prepare by tmr morning. And some reading to do as well.

Hmm what should I start with...

On the way home from kembangan this evening, I encountered an Indian boy of about 5 years old who boarded the double-decker bus I was in. He was with his father. Initially the father sat somewhere towards the back of the bus at the long seats facing each other and pulled the son to sit with him. The boy refused and started to cry. It's the ngada-ngada merengek kinda cry. I can't understand a single word he was saying until his dad repeats whatever the son said to him. It turns out that the boy wanted to sit right at the back of the bus, and when he didn't get his way, he cried. Not long after, the father gave in and brought him to sit at the back of the bus followed by a gentle, "Happy?" Unfortunately, this boy is really hard to please. he was still crying, complaining why is the bus so fast and why must they alight only 3 stops later. For goodness sake, I was silently eating my heart out hoping the bus would please go faster so I can get to my destination faster and wondering if I should have taken an alternative route, and here this boy is saying the bus is going too fast??!! The father was consoling him that they'll meet the mother faster and the mother has bought something special for him. There's this one time the boy complains to the father, "Why is the bus going so fast??" and to my surprise, the father answered, "Because we're sitting at the back of the bus, that's why it seems like the bus is going fast." I was torn on whether I should laugh or smack my head. What kind of logic is that?? Is this what parents are teaching their kids when they're young?? I pity my fellow teachers who'll have some hard time debunking myths like this.

I really can't stand kids who're very pampered, wants everything their way, cry or scream the moment they don't get what they want, too dependent, who scream and shout and run around everywhere. In short terms: misbehaved. I can accept kids for being kids, that's only natural but misbehaviour really sits on my nerves, that's why I can't teach primary school. At least I believe so. I enjoyed it when I had to relief Tweens 4 and Tweens 3, maybe I just had the privilege of getting the better-behaved students. Of course there are a few very mischievous ones and they really test my patience, especially this one class who was generally made up of rebellious kids, truly cekik darah....

Anyway, enough of that. Since I started NIE and found out that my lecturers are researchers, I have always wanted to be involved in a project and after approaching a few teachers. My dream finally came true! I was from a meeting just now with my lecturer and 4 other students. I just feel so happy and can't wait to feel at home in a lab again. Eventhough I'm still abit clueless about the project. I hope I'll get the hang of it along the way. My lecturer is kind enough to let me be part of the project, and he even obliged to what I like to do and will let me do carry out the experiments that are to my liking hehe. He passed me one of the dissertations of a past masters student to read the protocol. Holding it my hands, I wish one day i would carry a similar document, but bearing my name on it instead. InsyaAllah. If I get to masters, I would like to apply to teach at poly level :) and hopefully i would get to handle some of my own projects then! :)))

Dreams will be dreams if you don't work to make it happen. I'm in a rather hardworking mode now. Seeking spiritual boosters :) I just bought a couple od religious books at JB yesterday and can't wait to pore into them :)

This was what I shared with some friends about pesantren, and I'd like to document it here...

Pesantren kilat was organised by MHDS (psst,it stands for Moral Human Development Society, check out http://www.facebook.com/reqs.php?bcode=Q1rU5&fcode=6739486a4&f=1164340433#!/pages/MHDS-Youths/116578921718982 and http://www.facebook.com/reqs.php?bcode=Q1rU5&fcode=6739486a4&f=1164340433#!/pages/Moral-Human-Development-Society/137609558611 ). This year is the second time running. Last year I was a participant, this year jadi faci pulak. Alhamdulillah for the opportunity...

Oh, yup the pesantren is one week long, from Sat 18th 2pm till Sat 25th 9pm. Like last year, it was held at Masjid Pertempatan Melayu Sembawang, a great secluded place in Singapore that cuts you off from reality throughout the camp to truly mengabdikan diri kepada Allah swt dan menanam cinta pada Allah swt dan Rasulullah saw melalui ibadah-ibadah harian. Pesantren Kilat ni juga mengajar kita untuk mnghormati dan menghargai guru kita, ibubapa kita dan kawan-kawan kita...

The pesantren memang tak banyak games like we have at Fityan camps. Rather the daily schedule works around the ibadah-ibadah wajib dan sunnah. So, daily, it goes something like this:
0400-0430: Wake-up call and wash-up (siapa yang dah ready kumpul di msjid berselawat beramai-ramai sambil menunggu imam)
0430-0530: Solat Sunat Tahajjud 2 rakaat, Taubat 2 rakaat and Witr 3 rakaat semua berjemaah diselang-seli dengan zikir munajat mengikut buku ‘Excellence and Secrets of the Night Vigil Volume 1 Syarah Ratib Alhadad Chapter 27 Imam Alwee bin Ahmad bin Hassan Alhadad’ dipimpin oleh Ustaz Hassan Saifoulridzal atau Bro Asyraf Hasni jikalau Ustaz tak sihat.
0530-0600: Solat Sunat Qabliyah Subuh, zikir and Solat Subuh berjemaah (lepas Subuh bersalaman sambil selawat)
0600-0630: Bacaan Wirdu Latif mengikut buku (sry tak ingat title, buku pada kawan saya)
0630-0700: Tazkirah pendek oleh Ustaz
0700-0800: Riadah ringan, stretchings, cheer atau bonding sessions (kalau hujan buat indoors)
0800-0830: Sarapan pagi
0830-1030: Free and easy (mandi, rehat atau faci time)
1030-1100: Solat Sunat Dhuha 8 rakaat (berjemaah for the first few days, kemudiannya dilakukan sendiri-sendiri)
1100-1200: Hafalan (in groups, semua orang kena hafal dari Surah At-Takatsur sampai Surah An-Nas dan doa-doa harian, kemudian tasmi’ dengan faci. Bagi yang tak kenal huruf, ada group tersendiri untuk belajar kenal huruf)
1200-1300: Makan tengahari (time makan semua berdulang. makan disediakan dan dihidang oleh unit muslimin and muslimah MHDS tapi anak-anak pesantren cuci dulang dan cawan sendiri, dan kemas kawasan makan sendiri)
1300-1330: Solat Zohor berjemaah diiringi Solat Sunat Qabliyah & Ba’adiyah
1330-1445: Ta’alim Fiqh (belajar basic solat and wudhu’) oleh Ustaz Hassan mengikut buku (title buku dalam bahasa arab, buku diterjemahkan kepada bahasa Melayu oleh Ustazah Sha’abana from MHDS youth)
1445-1500: Rehat
1500-1615: Ta’alim Tauhid (belajar basic apa erti tauhid dan mengenal Allah serta sifat-sifat Allah) oleh Ustaz Hassan mengikut buku ‘Pelajaran Tauhid’ oleh Syed Abdillah Ahmad Aljufri
1615-1645: Solat Sunat Qabliyah Asar, zikir and Solat Asar berjemaah (lepas Asar bersalaman sambil selawat)
1645-1800: Riadah petang di luar masjid (basically time for games led by youths, jog to the beach and have activities at the beach, main Amazing Race, ada cheer competition etc)
1800-1830: Wash-up or rehat
1830-1900: Bacaan Wirdu Latif mengikut buku
1900-1930: Solat Maghrib dan Solat Sunat Ba’adiyah
1930-2015: Ta’alim Tasawwuf (belajar pesan-pesan daripada Imam Al-Ghazali) oleh Ustaz Hassan mengikut buku ‘Duhai Anakku’ (saya tak dapat buku dia)
2015-2045: Solat Isya’ berjemaah diiringi Solat Sunat Qabliyah & Ba’adiyah
2045-2130: Bacaan Ratib atau ada Qaseedah atau majlis Maulid atau mass usrah
2130-2200: Makan malam
2200-2245: Supper, Wash-up and lights-out at 2245

At all times there will be snacks and drinks prepared. Anytime perlu tunggu, masjid dipenuhkan dengan selawat dan zikir. Bila masa yang diizinkan, Ustaz Hassan akan memberikan nasihat-nasihatnya. And the groups are gender-based, 9-12 per group. Even masa ada mass activity, boys group tak mix dengan girls group. Nama group masing-masing adalah sahabat-sahabat, isteri-isteri atau anak-anak Nabi dan cheer pon based on ciri-ciri mereka jadi balik dorang kenal orang-orang ni.

Takde night walk, takde high elements, takde sesi muhasabah khas... Tapi each time kita selawat atau zikir atau berqaseedah, boleh berlinangan air mata bertaubat kepada Allah, memohon Allah menyatukan kita di syurga kelak, mendamba cinta Allah swt dan Rasulullah saw dan meminta agar mendapat syafaat oleh Rasulullah saw di akhirat kelak. This happens even for those participants yang pada mulanya memberontak apa ni boring je pesantren takde activity, tak boleh buat ni tak boleh buat tu, tapi pada penghujung pesantren taknak balik, rindukan selawat, rindukan Qaseedah, takut berpisah sahaja dengan Ustaz dan kawan-kawan di pesantren akan kembali ke diri yang dulu. Some of the participants are from broken homes, yang seriously parents hantar untuk berubah. Memang mencabar bagi Ustaz, bagi exco dan facis but Alhamdulillah Allah membuka hati mereka dan memberi mereka hidayah. I have one participant yang kat luar memang wild, merokok, minum arak padahal baru 14 tahun tapi hujung pesantren sambil peluk cakap taknak balik.

Ade sunnah-sunnah lain yang diajarkan seperti bersiwak, menjawab azan, berselawat atas Nabi bila mendengar namanya disebut, memakai jubah putih dan songkok/sarban (bagi lelaki) setiap masa solat dan ta’alim.

On Thursday afternoon takde ta’alim, instead ada majlis ijazah sarban sebagai tanda dah graduate dari pesantren. Ustaz pakaikan sarban pada setiap anak lelaki pesantren. Kemudian Ustaz ada majlis ijazah sanad untuk semua orang, semua form chain dan Ustaz read out sanad Ustaz belajar agama, dan dengan ijazah sanad ini, bila kita ucapkan ‘saya terima’, itu tanda kita terima untuk melaksanakan perintah-perintah Allah dan mengamalkan sunnah-sunnah Rasulullah saw.
So on Friday and Saturday, basically free and easy, takde ta’alim, except exco make use of the time for participants to rehearse persembahan lagu Aeman Ibu dan Ayah and lagu Inteam Guruku for last day.

On Saturday, tengahari start prize presentation, lepas tu ada persembahan lagu, kemudian mauled lepas Asar and lepas Maghrib ada ceramah ibu bapa oleh Ustaz TM Fouzy. Selesai sahaja, kita bersalaman, bergambar dan bersurai....

Yang dapat kita ambil pengajaran dari pesantren ni mungkin dari segi mengkhaskan masjid sebagai tempat beribadah dan mengadakan activity di luar masjid instead, and untuk mengisi waiting time dengan selawat dan zikir daripada cheering atau energizers dan sebagainya. Qiyam diberi keutamaan daripada night walk dan sebagainya, kerana qiyam lebih efektif bagi kita bermuhasabah diri, lebih-lebih lagi bila solat-solat sunat itu diselang-seli dengan zikir munajat (screen menunjukkan maknanya sekali supaya zikir itu dapat dihayati). Solat tepat pada waktunya juga diberi keutamaan untuk menanamkan discipline. Basically we teach that we work our schedules and activities around our solat timings rather than the other way around through our programmes. Cara Fityan of course lain daripada cara MHDS. But one thing I learn is, we shouldn’t do programmes to please our participants, sekalipun participants kita rasa terpaksa dan memberontak kerana terpaksa menghadiri camp kita, tapi kalau kita tunjukkan padanya kenapa dia perlu hadiri (give them a reason) insyaAllah they’ll benefit from the camp... Tapi tulah 7 days can do wonders, but 2-3 days hardly does anything. It took the participants yang degil-degil until Thursday baru nampak perubahan...

Itu sahaja saya dapat kongsi. Nak tengok gambar-gambar, video dan sebagainya bolehlah tengok kat facebook. This pesantren is the most meaningful camp I’ve facilitated, and bila lihat participants menangis bila menyebut nama Allah swt dan Rasulullah saw, boleh turut menangis jugak. Mungkin kalau ade peluang, next year nye pesantren kita ajak adik-adik kita dan rakan-rakan kita untuk turut sertai semoga menjadi insan yang berakhlak yang mengutamakan cinta kepada Allah swt dan Rasulullah swt dan menghargai ibubapa mereka.

I is very happy cause I is got me notebooks back! Haha, cheap thrills.... :P

But yeah, I love my notebooks very very much. Hey, great scientists become great because they record down their thoughts...

Apart from that, I'm feeling the iman wheel turning, up up up! Had been feeling low the past few days/weeks, and really really in need of spiritual boosters. Hmm... I need to attend a spiritual session soon. With some good company :)

Today is Kak Rufi's special day. I was unable to go as I was rushing an assignment and then I had to go for class, boo hoo. I wanted to see her looking like a radiant princess!! Looks like I'll just get to see it in pictures. More importantly, my dua is with the newly weds, may Allah bless their marriage, barakAllahu lakuma wa barakah alaykuma wa jama'a baynakuma fi khair :)))))

Oh, I was reminded of a weird encounter with this lady last Thusrday... I was wasting time at Raffles mrt cos I knew I was early and Husni wouldn't reach Bugis from Kembangan so soon. And I didn't wanna stand and loiter around with my laptop in my hands at Bugis... So I sat at a bench facing the glass doors behind which the mrt passes.

As I was just sitting down and stoning (I can't remember what was I doing), a lady sat beside me on my left. Middle-aged. Malay, Muslim, but not wearing tudung. I was watching her from the reflection in the glass. I can't see her whole face as she was blocked by a pillar but I could sense that she had her head turned towards me. I tilted my head abit to the right and true enough, her head was faced towards me. Suddenly she coughed, and so I turned to look at her.

Lady: Ingat taknak toleh tadi... (I thought you weren't about to turn)
I just smiled. What was I supposed to say??

Lady: Besar butterfly awak. Tak terbang? (What a big butterfly you have, doesn't it fly away?)
She was referring to my butterfly brooch. I looked at it and just smiled at her and looked back at the glass.

Then she started a very weird conversation with me...

Lady: Awak tau baca Surah Al-Kafiruun?

Me: Tau.

Lady: Awak tau bila baca Surah Al-Kafiruun?

Me: Err... Bila-bila masa? (In my mind I only remember that it is encouraged to read Surah Al-Kafiruun 7 or 11 times in the first rakaat of Solat Hajat but I doubt she was referring to that... so i didn't say.)

Lady: Bila-bila masa?

Me: Apa maksud cik dengan 'bila'?

Lady: Jadi awak tak baca Surah Al-Kafiruun hari-hari la ni?

Me: Err... tak hari-hari lah.

There was a short pause. In her hands, I saw her taking out two pieces of photocopied papers with Arabic words on it. I can't read what Surah is it or what. But it is probably Ayat Kursi or something. She continued questioning me.

Lady: Awak baca sikit Surah Al-Kafiruun...

Me: Bismillahirrahmanirrahim... Qul ya ayyuhal kafiruun...

Lady: Oh tau baca rupanya. Ingat tak tau...

At that point in time, I just found the conversation super weird and ridiculous. I was wondering if she was trying to test me, or to ridicule me, or trying to sihir me or whatttt...

Lady: Awak dari madrasah eh?

Me: Tak.

Lady: Dari uni?

Me: Dari NIE.

Lady: NIE?

Me: National Institute of Education.

Lady: Oh untuk jadi guru.

Me: Aah.

Lady: Guru madrasah eh?

Me: Tak.

Lady: Bahasa Melayu?

Me: Tak, saya ambil Biology dan Chemistry.

Lady: Oh chemistry...

The train then arrives. I could take it with her if I wanted to, but thought better of it. So when she signalled towards the incoming train,

Me: Oh saya tak naik, saya tunggu kawan.

Lady: Kawan rambut panjang ke rambut pendek?

Me: *jitters* Tak tau, kawan saya pakai tudung.

Firstly, just because I was wearing jubah, I either school at a madrasah or I teach at a madrasah??

Secondly, she was freaking me out. Her body language was rather sinister, as if making fun and ridiculing me. Macam sindir gitu. And eventhough her hair was short, I had the creeps, macam nenek kebayan la orang ni... hish.

Ever since that encounter, I'd been wondering what was that all about... So weird.

On June 30th, it was my mum's 55th birthday. I had asked her out. I had planned to make her happy all day. Unfortunately, I came home late the day before and so I was really tired in the morning and slept back after Subuh prayers. At 11 plus, my mum appeared at my doorway scolding, why wasn't I awake yet and why didn't I answer the phone?? I only gave her a smile, as that's the best I could afford. In my heart, I was scolding myself too, "You wanted to make her happy!!"

I quickly jumped out of my bed to get ready to go out. On the table, I saw a cake. My mum bought it for herself. I was angry that I wasn't the one buying it for her. The night before, near midnight, I just came back, and I gave her a simple birthday present, a big box of Toblerone chocolate (along with memories of my childhood with her, though it wasn't written, neither was it spoken).

My mum said that she had been waiting at a doughnut shop all morning. She wanted to give them out to her friends. But since the doughnut took so long, she decided to buy a cake instead. It was a really pretty and yummy cake.

I wanted my mum to cut the cake infront of her friends, to make it look like a birthday party, to make her happy, but she said it herself, it would take too much time. Plus we'd want to leave some cake at home.

So it was a small party. Just my brother and I with our mum. We took pictures. We sang the birthday song and she cut the cake.

Fastforward...

We went to Metro at Paragon. She'd been wanting to find white shoes. And I wanted to make her happy. So we shopped. And then we went to look for my dad's birthday present skali. And we had lunch, my treat. It was great to see her happy.

We went to Asar at Al-Falah. This is epic.

I couldn't help it. All I wanted is to make her happy, that day, everyday. But sometimes it's just hard. That Asar, it suddenly struck me. My mum has turned 55. That's not young. Not at all. What if, that day was the last day for me to make her happy? What if, those pictures we took were the last pictures I'd have of us together? What if, that smile I gave her was the last smile I'd ever give her?

When I parted with her, she went to meet my grandma while I was going to school for IS, I just felt... I dunno...

Indeed I am scared of losing my mum. I felt it before. She went for hajj when I was in primary 4, and I cried and cried. I never want to feel that again, but I probably would. Unless, of course, if I were to go first...

I hope I'm enough of an anak solehah to have a place for her (and my dad) in jannah. She deserves it. For everything that she has done, that she has sacrificed...

Cepatnya masa berlalu... I took 2-3hrs to actually start doing SOME WORK (which was VERY little) then I did my laundry, bathed, prayed, put out the laundry and here I am at 3.54am. :(

I should really go to sleep, or at least continue my research paper, but I just felt like typing something...

I sat for my Organic Chem test just now. I couldn't do so many questions, cause I didn't finish studying. I feel so disappointed in myself. I'd taken Organic Chem in poly before and if I'm not mistaken, I got an A or even a distinction! But this, I screwed up one of the 3 lab reports and the test (15%of overall) just now so I guess, there goes my 30%. How to get A!!!

I was too tired.... Yikes.

Nak kata I regretted becoming a faci for Finding Seacreo, not really. I guess I just didn't manage my time well, boo hoo... So disappointed in myself :'(((

It was another enriching experience being a faci for Finding Seacreo. This is my second time becoming a faci, and it was really different from the first one. The pax were younger than Radiate (except two), the group was mixed of which only 3 were girls, my faci partner is a guy (Faizal btw), I had TEN pax under our care, it was outdoors (about 8 hours with 2 races in it at Sentosa) and we as faci were also the game masters and safety officers. Stress I tell youuuu... I don't think I did a good job. I think I failed to carry out the amanah properly. I am glad that at least 5 of them enjoyed the camp, I guess the programmes were fun, alhamdulillah. I hope they learned at least ONE beneficial thing from the camp...

For the next two weeks, I have my Saturdays full, and I'm scared it would tire me out again. My first paper is on 21st, 8 more days only. 8 days to cover four subjects with 8-20 topics each *faints* I need to get the momentum back (the camp really broke my momentum) and be focused and disciplined with my revision. And I MUST finnish this ALS research paper by tmr night to send for draft safe assignment and peer review...

I am worried why I can't seem to get anything done at all... and time flies so so fast! I'm scared... I wanna do well this sem. I really do. I must pull up my GPA... :'(((

This video just made me very very sad...



We share the same world, the same earth, yet....

It's something for us to think about.

Anyway, I had a crazy weekend, and the craziness didn't stop there.

I'm at SCBE again right now, supposedly to study and do work (but apparently my harddisk has decided to make it hard for me to continue ICT, it hanged!! I better back-up soon sehhhhh) but as usual, visit facebook first... And here I am now on blogger...

So yeah, crazy weekend....

Started off with Friday rush. Had ICT meeting at noon, and so had to create and fill a PBWiki page AND I also had to rush my Chem lab report before going for lab prac. Completed it late and went to lab late. I seem to miss the briefing every week. Thank God I have a friend like Harizah...

After lab, met up with the Bio gang (only Harizah and Jeffrey couldn't join us) to celebrate Pie's birthday at Sakura Pioneer. Haha, he kena saboed and he enjoyed it! We truly filled our stomach (though I had it better this time... the last time I went Sakura with family was super duper kenyang, tak senonoh seh perangai). And because we laughed and laughed and laughed (satu satu kerenah HAHA) we couldn't eat that much. It was a happy Friday night I should say.... Had been 'enjoying' myself alot sehh...

After the dinner celebration, I rushed home (did some work on the train to save time) and finished up the 3 e-learning ALS tasks. Managed to submit all within the last few minutes seh, haha, alhamdulillah. Perangai last minute habis! Buruk!

Then on Saturday morning, I attended the CLF at SMU. I was late, and pretty much lost, so I was so paiseh to enter initially. But then, what's the point of just sitting outside alone right?? So just braved myself and entered. They were still on the first speaker. He was a very good presenter! Mr Sunny Goh... Hmmm... Eventhough I was lost in the topic (I didn't go in the hope to understand anything anyway.... ), I felt that he managed to engage the audience well. I didn't really enjoy the second speaker. I dunno, I just find his presentation opinionated uhh... And his mimik2 muka tak penting eh. Maybe it's just me uh... I didn't get a feedback form to say that...

The discussion session was interesting. Open for 'debate' amongst the presenters, commentators and audience. About race vs class. About the media. And more uh. I felt out of place, the feeling of 'macam-paham'ness but since I told myself, "I'm here to be exposed to this, to observe..." and so, that's exactly what I was there to gain. I wish I can speak as well as them. 3 years to train myself to present better...

Afterwards, I walked around Bugis Junction to find a suitable present for Ad. I took a long time walking round and round. Some of the shops, I visited at least thrice la seh! I ended up buying three things for myself too. Yikes! My mum just told me not to spend unnecessarily these few months up to October to contribute abit to my eldest brother's wedding preparations. Uh oh. Felt so guilty for spending after that. But I needed the new wallet. My old wallet dah koyak rabak, zip pon dah tercabut. The air freshener thingy was a different matter though. Argh!!!

Then I rushed to pray, get murtabak, meet Jamie at Tampines, put the present together and travel to Changi Beach for Ad's birthday celebration....

Ad... I miss youuuuuu!!!!

We were there for a short while only, cos Ad had to rush back to her house for awhile to get the booking receipt for the pit and shelter, and since I had to go off anyway, I follwed her to Simei; Faj drove. Faj wore tudung already, so sweet! She's the 3rd friend I see started wearing tudung last year/this year. So anyway, when I parted with Ad at Simei, we hugged and I really felt like crying. I felt so so bad for having to leave early. I felt so so bad for not being there when she had the operation, or when she was facing life's challenges. She updated me about some things in the car, and I was like, "How I wish I could have been there... What a friend, I didn't even know..." Really, on the way to Simei mrt alone, I really felt like crying. I have truly neglected my family and friends. I dunno if what I'm practicing is the best for all, but yeah, I feel bad, I feel guilty.

I reached Masjid Kassim at 7 plus, just in time for Maghrib. After Maghrib, straightaway went for my duty for registration. Since I was handling registration, I entered the talk late. The talk was interesting, but... either I was too tired, or really, my heart needs some spiritual cleansing. It was hard for me to absorb what the lecturer was talking about. Maybe it's my perception that it would be a heavy topic which caused me hard to concentrate and make sense of it all. But I guess I managed to get the gist of it, especially with the follow-up by Ust Noor afterwards during dinner/supper. It makes me think and ponder, and gave me a headache as the topping on the ice-cream aka lack of sleep. InsyaAllah I'll attend all 8 talks. May Allah ease the path for me...

I reached home late. Argh! Dahlah weekdays duduk hostel, weekends pon sehari suntuk takde rumah, ish ish ish... But then, the time spent at home isn't quality time with the family anyways. I'll just be surfing the net. But then again, to come home so late, it just so... I dunno what's the right word... I guess, 'disrespectful'? Not that I'm very respectful of my parents to begin with, but hey, I'm trying.

Since I came home late, I woke up late the next morning! Ni seriously, bangun terkejut beruk nye. I woke up, saw the clock, and was like, "OHMYGOD! MAAAA!!!" Hahahaha. It was like 8.30, and I was supposed to relief a class at 8am!!!!! Crazy seh... Luckily, the main trainer for my class was still there. She didn't even know I was supposed to relief. Even the office didn't have my name on the list, anyway!!! Apparently I was supposed to replace another relief...

But yeah. The first class was like out of control seh. It was a sec 2 class. Very incooperative! But I let the main trainer just continue what she was doing uh. I had to conduct one of the activities, but only the start, cos after that the main trainer took over back. I felt redundant haha. But good experience of trying to control a class like that...

The next class was a good experience. Not without it's set of challenges of course. I had to relief with Kak Rabiah. Apparently she's a relief too, and so neither of us know where the students stopped and can't prepare much. When finally we got to figure out where the class stopped (from the students who came early/on time rather), we then found out that we couldn't open the slides. So I did a quick slide presentation according to the lesson plan. Copy paste seh! I managed to do halfway only. Continued again during break. And all in all, I did up a spontaneous slide presentation of 18 slides in that 2 and 1/2 hrs!

The topic was about physical care. But our focus was on beautiful soul. It was an interactive class. I loike! We talked about fairy tales, we read an article, we watched a video, we had group discussions, we had sharings, we had questions (dajjal semua keluar sehhh). Fun experience! The class was easier to handle. I only had trouble with one group who refused to discuss together throughout the whole class! I have a problem with quiet people. I dunno how to make them talk, seriously.

I'sd love to teach their class again :)))) But I can't commit uh... Especially since their class is at 11.30-2.30 and normally I'd have to attend my own class! Just that today has one week (or rather, one day) break.

Speaking of class... I think I I haven't been getting knowledge, I'd just been acquiring more and more information... I hadn't truly understood and applied those 'information' to life. Ish ish... I don't think I am a good representation of DPI students. Hish!

Need to be more humble. Need to remind myself that what I know is comparable to just a drop of water in the whole wide world. Maybe even less....

Ok, I should really get back to work. Spent more than 2 hours on this already. Aiyooooooo!

I wanna go out of Sg during the hols. Hopefully NEMC KRC falls on a holiday Sunday when I have no madrasah!!

I have alot alot to blog about! Had so many happenings ever since my last proper lengthy update. Prove is: my FB status updates, haha.

Ok, let's start with the latest....

I just attended an intercultural event by NTUMS in school just now. Well, it was interesting. The sisters only had the chance to hear from a Bangledishi sister who's currently doing her PhD at NTU, whereas the brothers were very fortunate to hear sharings from Indonesian, Pakistani, Kazakhstan brothers and I don't remember where else. There were so many brothers, where are all the sisters?? Nevertheless, we got the opportunity to hear a brother from Kazakhstan play one of their musical instruments. And he was dorning a Kazakh traditional costume and in the background, they showed pictures of Kazakhstan... As for the food, we had briyani (sedappp youuuu!) ough we sisters had to share one packet only... which was surprisingly enough! I was full after dinner, after trying the kebab from amirah's grill (still crispy! i like the pita bread!) and the ikan pais/pepes and the Indonesian beefballs. Yummeh! The event also emphasizes on brotherhood in Islam and unity in diversity, and we had a short sharing session about the hadith about how brothers should strengthen one another like a building, I loike! I miss sharing sessions like that. I can't remember when was the last time I attended an usrah session... So all in all, I rather enjoyed myself at the event. Really wished there were more sisters... I brought back 3 postcards from Saudi (one of which is a pic of the Masjid nabawi, I dunno why, I felt so super extra elated and excited upon seeing it! Padahal I'm sure I'd seen the pic alot of times before!) Oh oh, and as usual, I added new games to my catalogue ;) Hehe. We had somekind of an auction game, cool or what! Oh oh, and I wore baju kurung, the second time ever, to school, and I had Chem lab today ehkkk haha.

Yesterday, I actually managed to join Fityan at Ubin! I, didn't get to help paint Cik Kamariah's kampong as I had class in the morning, nevertheless terubat rindu dapat jumpa these brothers and sisters whom I feel like I hadn't met since ages ago! I was really missing them!! I think the last time I met them was during radiate post mortem, which I came very late too, and didn't get to hang out with them. I wasn't satisfied with yesterday either, didn't get to sit down and chat and share stories with them... Awww, I feel so far away in Boon Lay, imagine if I had actually gone overseas to study!

So anyway, it was a challenge to get to Ubin. I ended Bio practical quite late, and as I made my way to Tampines, I was so tired actually... And as I had expected the night before, I wouldn't get a proper breakfast, lunch or brunch... My mum hadn't cooked and Ghufran's stalls were all closed! So with a hungry stomach, I made my way to Changi alone... When I reached Changi, what else?! LUNCH! Bought takeaway nasi lemak, then set at the jetty gobbling down my late lunch... When I went down to the waiting area, I missed a boat and so I had to wait. This tested my patience the most that I was on the verge of crying! I so can't wait to meet my Fityan brothers and sisters and here the apek blatantly refuses to bring out any boat until there is no more and no less than 12 people. The Chinese family of 6 left, and then the Indian family of 4 left, and I actually waited for about 1hr 15mins just to get a boat. I finished 1 whole topic of Main Group Chem notes!! And alot of self-reflection time in the meantime... I have to say... I feel bad for buruk sangka-ing my Fityan brothers and sisters... I dunno, I was just so pissed off at the apek actually. Nothing to do with Fityan haha! Only two out of the whole gang knew that I would be coming and was trying to get a boat to join them. I was really considering of leaving by 4.15pm if the apek still refuses to get the boat out. With such a heavy and deeply disappointed heart, that is. It was about 4.40pm already when I finally set foot on Ubin jetty. Oh my, the flood of memories! All 3 times that I had been to Ubin before was with Fityan. Bittersweet memories :)))

I rented a bike from the normal shop we rent from, assuring the uncle I would return the bike by 6pm before the shop closes (the uncle seems to think I'm gonna overnight at Ubin or something, I think I look like I am really ready to overnight lah with my school backpack plus shoebag, oddly with two flowers in it haha). I was like saying, "Don't worry uncle, I'm just here to meet my friends for awhile, I will surely return the bike by 6pm!" Thinking back about it, I must have sounded like I actually have FRIENDS LIVING in Ubin! Hahahaha.

The feeling of riding alone through the tracks in the drizzle was AWESOME!!!! I feel so belonged! I know the way as if I'd been living on Ubin my whole life! I was so happy upon seeing the first dog on the trail, thinking to myself, "Eh I have a friend!" But then, I did get pretty terrified when this dog decided to follow my trail (yikes! did it just hear my thoughts??! summum bukmum! haha Ati!!!!) and when there's this like 3-4 dogs in a pack in the middle of the road, fuyohh... But I was confident that these dogs are used to people and won't cause harm. Rather I was afraid of getting licked haha.... Oh, I passed a few people along the way, and they really had this curious look on their face that says, "Woah, where is this girl going??" Oh, and really, riding under the trees was like, back to nature, back to nature! I feel so carefree! Eventhough it was really tiring to ride alone up some of the mini hills. Self-motivation... Keep going, keep going! In my mind, I was thinking that the Fityan peeps had already left Cik Kamariah's house and went cycling. I was really considering of dropping by Cik Kamariah's house for awhile for asar prayers and continuing the lone adventure through Ubin finding them haha. And when I turned at the junction of Murai Hut (oh the relieve of seeing that hut!) and saw only 2-3 bicycles outside Cik Kamariah's house, I was already formulating a plan, "Ok, I shall ask Cik Kamariah if she knows where they were heading to. If not, I'd just try my luck at Chek Jawa and if they're not there, I shall turn back and hopefully I don't have to wait till Maghrib for 12 passengers!! ORRR... since there're a few bikes here, perhaps they left some of their belongings at Cik Kamariah's house and I should just wait and chit chat with Cik Kamariah...

It happened that they parked their bicycles behind the house, and everyone had just finished Asar prayers!!! Haha, almost everyone was surprised to see me, "EH MARLIYANA!!" Hahahaha, the expressions!! Even Cik Kamariah was like, "Huh? Awak baru sampai?!" and I can't remember who asked, "How did you get here?? How do you know the way??" Haha, fortunately, alhamdulillah, I am quite quick with learning my directions around. Just after once going to Cik Kamariah's house during Fityan retreat, I already know the way... What more after 3 times right haha.

Oh, and another common question, "Eh! Marliyana, dari mana dapat bunga???" Aku petik along the way -___- haha. Actually I didn't know how to explain. The fact that I took the flower home from Bio lab to study the flower parts is just not self-explanatory. It was a weird and rather unbelievable reason seh haha. So I didn't know how to answer initially. Finally, even when I had the chance to explain to Hanis and Fahmi, they were like eh?? For someone to give me flowers? What a weird combination: one big white lily and one red rose??? Who would give me flowers seh?? As malays would say, "Takde ribut takde taufan..." haha. My birthday was LAST month...

After I did my asar (I missed the ABC: air batu campur!!!!!!!! Wasted...), we took group pic and then cycled away... Woah, it felt extra tiring for some reasons. Previously when I cycled around Ubin during BILL, it wasn't THAT tiring... Oh and I fell as I went too fast downhill at a point. It was so slippery and I was avoiding collision, so I swerved and well, skidded off the track and fell. I didn't realise until much later that I scraped my right ankle, bruished my elbow and have two long gashes on my thigh (now abit swelling and bruised, ow ow). I was really surprised to find two long gashes on my pants. My SILAT pants!!! Aik, I skipped silat, and I got hurt at Ubin wearing the silat pants haha... Oh, and I realised this auto-recovery mechanism that I have been blessed with haha. Similar to the car accident in 2008 (relax je time tu, macam superwoman!! I was so keen on getting back to my lab to finish my experiment that I was refusing to be sent to the hospital?! The driver really must think that I have had a concussion. No one in the right mind would say that, especially when I fell upon being hit by the car, with my books and shoes thrown quite a distance away, with a badly scraped elbow, which stings super badly by the way....), as soon as I fell, I would automatically stand up back as if nothing happened at all! But well, yeah eventhough I can feel the heat on my ankle and elbow (totally didn't realise the gashes though!!), no broken bones. Means I'm perfectly alright RIGHT?? Haha.

Despite all that happened, I really really enjoyed and didn't regret that 1hr plus getaway at Ubin. Jadilah... Off mainland jugak per... :D

Hmm, many more stories to add! FOC stories, school stories, home stories, and many many more! But I'd spent too much time already... I have to pass a group assignment to my friend by tomorrow morning, and I have madrasah exam this Sunday!

Oh oh! My mum was also very curious where I got the rose from HAHAHA! What are you thinking mother??? ;)

Aiya, my MSN can't connect...

I'm motivated!!!

I'm motivated to revise. I'm motivated to restart memorizing the Qur'an. I'm motivated to improve my solat. I'm motivated to keep my room clean as much as possible. I'm motivated to restart reading my Islamic books!

Apart from that, I am more or less motivated to spearhead the programmes planning for FOC... I've started doing SOMETHING at least... The ukhuwwah between us that got strengthened from the layang2 making, the shooting, the chalet and the carnival really helps :) I love these people, though I've yet to regard them as how I regard my Fityan peeps like family, well except for Amirah whom I've regarded as a sister. Somehow I regard her as an older sister, eventhough I'm the older one hehe...

But I've yet to find the motivation to go silat. Jun, I need you! I'm still scared to go silat. It is fun actually, but I dunno why I'm just so scared. Not to mention, my inner self keep telling me, "Why aren't you quitting silat yet? You would have extra 3hrs each week for studies and/or religion. Didn't you say you're just there to get the experience? Haven't you had enough experience already???" Hmmm.... These thoughts are so not helping larhhhhh...

Anyway, part of my motivation seems to stem from rewatching Huan Zhu Ge Ge (with English subtitles, wheeeee~!). The devotion and respect that the servants give to Huang Shang should be many many times multiplied by me as a servant to the King of the Universe, Allah. And Zi Wei and Yong Qi's poetry reading makes me look back at the Qur'an and appreciate the artistic language used. Their ability to memorize so many poems makes me wanna memorize the Qur'an.

The part about their wu gong skills did not rub off on me in terms of silat though, haha... Oh well...

All in all, I enjoyed my one week break very much, and I guess it's time to move ahead into the second part of the sem and do well in the different aspects of my life! My 21st year :))))

Okok, I shall try to make this my last post for today. I have my lab reports, one due this wed, another this fri, yikes!

I have something to confess... Or rather, something to let out larh. I guess it'll make me sound so sensitive, but really I wanna get it off my chest...

I don't like it that people ungkit about the RYC amazing race again and again. I've heard it a 1001 times before. The first time I hear it, I can accept it, cos I myself know it was badly done. On the day itself, I broke down, I broke down in the middle of the camp, because I have already realised how badly it was done and it was almost beyond my control to make things right because of the time constraint. Now that I keep hearing it again and again, each time I feel like crying. Because it isn't fair la...

You guys as station masters and facis have your part of your story. I have mine to. This is my part of the story:

First and foremost, I only joined the programmes team less than 3 weeks before the camp day itself. I met them on 19th (I hear what they have done so far and I just suggest how to improve), 21st, 22nd-23rd (faci trg), 28th, 30th (general meeting), 2nd (meet emcee) and the camp itself is on 5th sep tau... If you see properly, I only had 2 days, which was 21st and 28th with the programmers. I was supposed to help out here and there only, but ended up having to come up with the whole route on which group goes where (prog did the recce with me to identify the stations - it was a mutual agreement between the three of us on the stations being from end to end of Pasir Ris, NOT ME ALONE tau), all 15 games (ingat senang nak create 15 games macam petik jari?), all preparations for the 15 games (settling with logictics, printing out the puzzles, pictures and the station numbers - faizal only managed to help with the laminating on the day itself), finding 15 station masters (only to receive news from the comm that they just wanna use comm members) and the briefing for station masters (which had to keep postponing because firstly, no one can confirm with me who were to be the station masters, then the comm members were very busy and I only managed to sit with them before maghrib on the first day of camp, about 4hrs before the race).

To top it up, the head programmer is very new, it's her first time doing programmes, and so I was assisting her alot with the prog sheet, with the concept with linking to objectives and theme (a call to remember, spark for a change), spiritual booster (oso I prepared the slides) and keeping track of scores on the day itself. The other programmer was serving NS and could hardly do much. So yeah, understand our plight.

Plus, I have my own NTUMS Ramadhan adhoc event to settle, which was only one week away from RYC. It was a 4-man show, so all admin, publicity, programmes, logistics were under us. And, I had my GESL event to plan for - another amazing race, I was doing programmes too. And, I was still adapting to school. It was still my first month in school. Tutorials, lab reports, essays... And, I just started silat.

My hands were full! I sacrificed alot of sleep! I fell sick quite a number of times then.

I don't mind, I'll help where I can...

The thing is, I gave my best. That's all I can say.

My bad that I didn't foresee how tiring it would be for the facis and pax to be running from one end of PRP to another. I'm sorry. Yes, I am responsible for the Amazing Race. I do feel bad about it. I do feel bad that probably all the pax didn't enjoy the camp because it was too tiring. But then again, I am really sick and tired of so many people being so cynical about how it turned out with no one to back me up...

Each time I hear more comments about the race, the worst I feel. And I have withstood it since September 09. I keep telling myself that it is positive criticism; accept it, learn from it, and don't repeat it. Now is February 10, it's 5 months plus, I can't remember how many times I've heard comments about it. I can probably never forget the Amazing Race, because I don't like anything less than perfect, and of course, this Amazing Race was very far from perfect.

I just feel that I've withstood it too long, and this is the peak of it all. It is just too much and I can't stand anymore of it...

I have a meeting in 18 mins, programmes again. No, I am not sick of programmes.

:) I had fun during my weekend. Well, of course uh, it's with the fityan peeps!

And I did something new... I became a faci! These days I just enjoy doing new stuff, perhaps cos I feel I'm tired with the routines. My schedule is so packed with the same thing over and over again...

I would never have been open to the idea of being a faci before this. But come to think of it, I was never really open to the idea of being a teacher either.

It may be because I feel that now is the perfect age to start being a faci that people can trust. I'm not saying that you should be above 20 to be a faci (though that is normally the case in many places), but more of: At this age, I have accumulated enough experience and confidence to carry out the roles of a faci well.

Being a faci means to be up front. To be representing an organisation. To be delivering the objectives of the event and the learning activities of the games well. To be a good role model. To be instilling good values.

That isn't something that anyone can do. It takes skill. And since I have sat in so many faci trainings over the past 2-3 years, I've absorbed some of the skills a faci require theoretically. Yea, eventhough I attended those trainings not as a faci...

Of course I still made mistakes. I have a lot more to learn. But that's all part of the journey right?

Yeah I wasn't the best faci during Fityan Orientation, probably the worst haha, but I gave my best. I am just glad I had a fun and enthusiastic group :) Alhamdulillah.

I hope I get more opportunities to develop my skills as a faci, because I feel that it would help me in being a better teacher later on. Yea, and so I would like to focus on those programmes with pax who're in sec school, to make it more specific and relevant. Depends uh... My other objective of being a faci is afterall to spread the word of da'awah and we shouldn't be choosy on who should or should not receive it. ALL deserve it...

I wanna share abit...

I went to Sham's house this afternoon, to have my ankle massaged.

Sakit gilerh ok!!!

Kalau ikutkan hati nak nangis je, pekik je, tarik tu kaki, but tahannnnnnnnnnn sampai mata cuma tear sikit je. Gripped the seat handle and kerutkan muka. I have no idea how many different kinds of expression my face made to withstand the pain. I seriously hope all the pain just now is not for nothing. I wanna enjoy the bonding camp tmr!

Speaking of camps, did you know that I had an extremely swollen lip during pesantren? I have no idea what caused it. Perhaps it was the attempt to kiss the cat there (I got scratched on my hand...), or it was one of the bugs in the tent, or even, a grass snake could have managed to sneak in and kiss me, ewwwwww.

But yeah, all I know was that when I woke up the first night in the big tent at about 3am for qiyam, I felt that my lips were super heavy. On the way to the toilet, I asked Ida how do my lips look and she said it looked very bad. I was surprised to see myself in the reflection of the mirror at the toilet. Scary seh the lips so big. I couldn't close my mouth at all! My teeth were shown no matter how much I move the muscles to put my lips together!

After I bathed, Atikah came in and saw my plight and called Ustazah Raihanah, and together with a male officer, I was driven to a clinic. The one in Yishun cost $80 for night consultation, so we went to the Woodlands one which is only $60. The doctor seems so unsure that I was really doubting whatever he's saying. He ended up giving me a jab on the left arm, which is as painful as a tetanus jab, painful gilerh ok! And I tell you, my left arm still feels numb till today, like what? more than two weeks after the swell?? I guess it's because some of my friends kept hitting me on the arm, like super OW. But I can't be announcing to everyone that I just had a jab right???

My point is? What is abit of pain in your life... Just pretend it's nothing and ignore it... It is part and parcel of your life, accept it, embrace it, no use whining and crying and screaming for it...

I didn't know I would love sparring so much. The mental and physical coordination is interesting. NTU had uni friendlies with SMU this afternoon at SMU and I had the opportunity to spar with an SMU sister. Eventhough I lost 2 rounds and we drew in the 3rd, it makes me all the more motivated to learn more in silat. Need to work on my combos, on my shuffling, on range, speed, intensity and accuracy. I'm excited for silat trainings to come!

Oh the SMU sister happened to be from TP Engineering hehe. No wonder she looked familiar. Entered the gelanggang, saw her the first time, and throughout the whole match I was sifting through my memory on where had I first met her haha. She said afterwards probably I know her sister instead. Probably ah. I can't be too sure... I don't remember having any friends by the name of Rahmah in TP...

Oh, right now I have a sprained left ankle and because I forced to balance myself on my right leg more on the way home just now, even my right leg hurts, so I'm walking like a robot currently. Yet I am determined not to let my parents see what the match had done to me. I don't wanna quit silat!! (never thought I'd say that heh) Luckily I have a stock of diclofenac sodium painkillers, so popped two cookies in my mouth followed by 2 pills of the painkillers and 1 pill for gastric.

I don't eat painkillers if I can help it. No panadols for me. Headaches are part and parcel of life, and it doesn't need panadol, it needs plenty of water and rest in your system that's it. I only take painkillers, and that's the diclofenac ones only if I really really really can't take the pain. This sprained ankle is not the worst in my medical history actually. I've had inflammation of the tendons before and that is like 10x worst as it causes your tendon to redden and swell and each time your blood pulses through the veins, ow ow ow. That's why I thought I can withstand the pain of this sprained ankle. Actually I can. I just eat the painkiller in the hope that I can walk properly tmr and pretend nothing happened infront of my parents hehe.

If I were to go to the polyclinic and Dr Sophian Hadi were to see me again, he'd probably comment: "another injury to add to your history?" haha.

I sure hope the sprain heals soon. I don't need another inflammed leg... Especially when I have a camp this wed-fri! Silat bonding camp! I heard it's really gonna mix us together, hmm... They feel that the segregation between the girls and the guys is not good for the team, hmm... I will hold up to my principles. In case they plan something not so 'I-dont-know-any-suitable-adjective', I'd try to get away from doing it larh... Preferably if I can get away, I would. We'll see how things go... Hopefully things go on fine, nak mix tu mix jugak, for the team, yet batasan tetap batasan :) ni tetap majority melayu Islam, so tetap perlu jaga batasan-batasan yang ditetapkan Islam... I decided to leave drama partly because of this, and also because I really didn't have time to attend trainings larh. But yeah, I hope this issue doesn't become a penghalang for me to be a true pesilat NTU!!! Chewah hehe ;)

When most of us have reached our 20s, (at least intellectually, mentally and emotionally) the topic of discussion always seem to end up with... MARRIAGE

I wasn't part of the conversation, since I was still happily and merrily enjoying my zinger, but somehow I got involved in the conversation when Raudah suddenly asked, "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?"

Nasib tak terbegik aku ngan my happy and merry burger tu tau. Tak kena pasal sehh. Yang paling lagi nak terbegikkan adalah people think I am with someone now, an Ustaz for that matter. Even Liyana seems to think if it is true. Aiyoh people, you are my brothers and sisters, how can you still not know me!

Actually, entah eh... even my mum dunno me well enough. On Wednesday, when I went out with my mum, we started talking about how she used to be so scared I can't speak in public. Even up to Sec 4, she wasn't sure I could be vocal. Being in ELDDS in sec school, she thought I'd be just the background (I think she's thinking of trees or something), she didn't know I was in 3 not so small (not major, but certainly not small enough that only 40 prople watch) shows where over 200 people are watching. While in Titisan, she considered my roles as small enough, no doubt they were, and didn't think much about it. Yet, you're facing an auditorium full of people okeh!!

My mum was impressed about me giving the valedictorian speech at Perdaus haflah 2 years ago (ehhh, tak prasan dah 2 years ago!). And I'm like huh? That's (probably my one and only and) the worst speech I'd ever given, I think.

She was most surprised that I joined silat actually. She doesn't believe I have enough 'force' in me to punch/kick anyone. I didn't either, initially, actually. Ask Shikin, or Mir how tak bunyi were my punches and kicks to the padding for the first two months. Then ask Shikin again, and Jun, how I've improved, slight as it may be, after that. Aren't I glad I didn't tell my mum earlier I had joined silat? Confidence would have crashed, and I would have quitted immediately agaknya.

Eh why did I sidetrack so far... Part of the conversation with my mum, she told me that once a chinese woman she knows in the neighbourhood suddenly asked about me (she talks more about my second brother compared to me or my eldest bro) if I have a boyfriend (I really wonder how did she steer the conversation that way???) and my mum said her reply to her was, "She sure has many guy friends within her social circle, but I'm not too sure if she has one who's special." and the woman's reply was, "Can't be don't have..." Waaaah, make my mum doubt me seh. Firstly, why does my mum say I have many guy friends? Many meh? Who are she referring to?? Secondly, if really that's true then waah I have really changed. Ask Siti how many guy friends I used to have in sec sch. Or Ad for poly. (P.S. Ad I miss you so so much!) Hmmm... Thirdly, my mum thiks it is 'possible' even to a small extent that I have a boyfriend??? After all that I learn in madrasah??

Oklah, my mum actually doesn't think my madrasah has improved me at all. Padahal looking back at 12 years ago... even if I may not have been in the wrong set of company (my schoolmates alhamdulillah are all fairly good people since young, and I am especially closer to those who are not minahs and bitches), I would probably not be praying, or wearing tudung, or wearing jubah, or going masjid etc.

And neither does she think that the camps I'd been attending/organising have been doing me any good. Erm, where else could I have earned my vocalness?? Think back to KRC4 (the first impressions I set on most of my Fityan peeps), Camp Xplore 07 (when I totally couldn't talk during the debrief at the end of the camp because I was too choked up with tears being overwhelmed by all the emotions), to Gema Ghufran 07 (bet you don't even remember I was in the committee, typing the minutes half the time, calling and inviting people to come), to Night cycling (I can't even conduct a meeting within my department cos I can't seem to talk, much less lead!) to RYC 08 (when I'd stumble with my words as I try to give instructions for the games) to NI retreat 08 (when I still can hardly talk and deliver what I want to say, I left Mus and Liyana to lead), to NI mukhayyam (starting to brave up, yet Mus and Liyana still had to do most of the talking, to Camp Xplore 09 (where I was vice-chair, conducting a general meeting together with Azz), to RYC 09 (where I had to gather the station masters, some of who were still strangers back then, and explain how the Amazing Race works), to Pesantren Kilat (where I was one of the 3 female group leaders and thus have to maintain control, have to deliver certain instructions from the officers to my group, and sometimes to all the girls at once even, and they were strangers okayyyy, I didn't know a single one of them before the pesantren), I know, I clearly see and I am very much aware how much attending/organising camps have changed me. But nevermind.

Ok, this had unexpectedly turned into a reflection entry. Heheh. But yeah, fact is that la... Even my mum doesn't know me well, she doesn't recognise my potential, she doesn't know my strengths and weaknesses or all my likes and dislikes, neither does she believe I can do it, for anything at all... How can I not doubt myself all the time. Honestly, I still doubt if I can be a good teacher... even after the confident presentation for Critical Perspectives, where we were asked to 'teach' the class on a certain topic in groups of threes, and I felt that my presentation skill was rather good...

Hai.. Let's get back to the initial issue in this entry aite? After asking "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?", next question was "Who do you think can/will settle down within the next two years?"

Aah, the future is so full of unknowns...

10 years ago, who would have thought I'd be in Temasek sec (I only believed I was capable of entering a neighbourhood school, I was thinking I belonged in Springfield Sec!) or 5 years ago, who would have guessed I'd enter poly (after setting my eyes only on JC), or 3 years ago, who would have predicted that I'd join NIE (I truly doubted I could be a teacher. I respect the teaching profession alot, and whenever I hear anyone join the teaching profession, I'd be like "Wow, cool, I can't teach, I don't think I have the patience for it.")... Now, no one, no one can foresee when I'd get married, or to who I'd get married to... And for that matter, when I would die, or how I would die...

The future is so full of unknowns. Nabi Khidir had the mukjizat to know the future. That is probably one of the most dangerous knowledge one can have. It may be one of the most dreaded as well...

Let us just live for today, and treat it as a gift. Forget about yesterday, cos it's all in the past, and don't bother worry about the future cos it'll just give you a migraine...

By the way, I am still CURIOUS!!!! Who... urgh! Nevermind!

I wonder how dreams work. Why do we dream? What causes dreams? I don't want theories. I want to know the truth.

Yet how can we ever know that whatever we know is ever the truth?

I'm still in a dilemma constantly thinking about what is the truth and what isn't....

I have alot to blog about regarding the past week actually. We'll see if I can survive typing out all. I'm very sleepy right now actually...

Oh, and to people out there, please keep an open mind reading this entry, cause I have a feeling I'm gonna be open about some things here, cause my head is so full of information (need to convert them to knowledge and store them in categories larh)

In the background, I am playing Ustaz Hassan's wasiat to us after the maulid rehearsal on the 5th night of pesantren. Terasa sebak sangat-sangat dengar doa Ustaz untuk kita, terasa rindu sangat pada pesantren dan Ustaz. Suasana pesantren tak dapat dirasa dimana-mana. Suasana ingin bertawajjuh kepada Allah setiap waktu, setiap masa, setiap saat amat aku rindui...

Watch the video here.

Pics of the pesantren can be found here btw...

It's been a week since we 'graduated' from pesantren... And... It has been tough. It is a challenge wanting to practice what we used to do during pesantren. The environment is so different in pesantren and in real life, even when you're with mosque youths.

Even when you're with mosque youths!!! Honestly, at the end of the pesantren, when I was crying with one of the sisters in the musollah partly debating on how are we going to carry through with Ustaz's last wasiat to us to transform our surroundings into a pesantren wherever we are, I thought I'd be in a better position than she is being close to a mosque at heart already.. But after this week has passed, I'm not so sure if I'm right. Perhaps I'm in just the same position as she is. I may be worst. I think she has qiyam-ed at least once in the past week, whereas I?? 2 nights I overnight at mosques. Did I qiyam at all? NO. :( I miss how we'd cry during qiyam at the pesantren. I miss the feeling. You feel so close to Allah. You feel the sweetness of iman. I miss those very very much...

Ok right now I'm having a big big headache. I guess I gotta stop here...

Urghhhhhhhhhhh! Rasa kalau boleh pekik, nak pekik sekuat hati, tapi tak senonoh, ta kena pasal satu rumah bangun...

I'm tired, very very tired, physically. I spent more than half the day today sleeping, to regain whatever energy I've lost. I can't be sure that I'd regained my energy back, cos my whole body is aching everywhere from silat training yesterday! My shoulders, my back, my arms, my thighs.... There were signs that my tendonitis might act up again, so I quickly applied the Fastum gel on the tendon area at the back of my ankles. Sapuan is very dangerous, to me at least.

I learned alot during silat yesterday. I think because now my heart is in it, that's why. Learned shuffling, learned more combos to earn points quickly, IF the opponent is not quick enough. I need to be more lightfooted, and be quick in planning and executing combos. Practice makes perfect!

And... I'd be missing 2-3 silat sessions next week and the following week. :(

But I'll be elsewhere learning other things. Not that I'll be having jolly good time. I'll be at... Persantren Kilat, organised by MHDS. I feel reluctant telling people I'm attending this, when they ask why I'd be away next week. Perhaps because of the different kinds of responses I got. It's a wide range of responses from very positive to very negative. 0_o

I have people who almost jumped up and down shouting, "You get to go?! Wah, bestnyer! I love the Ustaz! Ustaz best! Camp pon mesti best. But I can't go, my mum say the duration is too long..."

I have people who looked calm but said, "I heard it's very good. More on the 'intellectual' side, but good nevertheless."

I have people who looked indifferent and say, "Oh ok. I'm not sure I can go... see how."

I have people who went, "Alar... Kau pergi persantren ni kau takbleh join kitorang seh..."

I have people who exclaimed, "Hah??? Why are you wasting your money?"

I also have people laughing at me and asking, "Why are you going there at all?"

Well.... I'm confused. But yeah, just from this experience, you can see how people differ so much from each other. Primarily due to the principles/beliefs that they hold on to, the experiences that they've had, the knowledge that they've obtained and such. These responses just reminded me that I have so many different kinds of people surrounding me, and I have to mind how I am with them such that I don't offend them, yet still being myself such that I'm not a hypocrite. It really does boil down to the principles that I myself hold on to, the experience that I myself have had, and the knowledge that I myself had obtained. Right now, really I am confused. I have no idea how to react. So I just smile and nod. it's kind of a reflex action nowadays :S

What I know is that, ever since I heard Far'ain attending persantren and reading about persantren in Musafir Cinta, I'd been superbly curious what is it. I was ready to go to Indonesia to experience it, and I was ready to face whatever goes on in a persantren, JUST IN CASE it goes against my principles/belief system. However, I never did find out a reliable source for a persantren. Besides I have no idea how to tell my parents I'd be disappearing to some part of Indonesia for some religious thing that they've never heard (they don't know what is a persantren, even now I think) for like more than a week alone.

I did bring this up to my mum, referring to the persantren as some kind of short-term madrasah, and she allowed if I go with a sister.

Then... I heard about Persantren Kilat on facebook. And straightaway I signed up for it. Without even telling my parents first (but since it's in Singapore, I knew they should be ok with it, especially if I pay on my own, and I don't miss my madrasah --> penting youuu. they're used to me telling them last minute that I have an upcoming camp at this place, from what day to what day, and I'm going with so and so. I only ask for permission if it's overseas.)

Nevertheless I was worried. (Always first on my worry list is the sanitary condition of the place, but I'd been to the mosque once and I liked it, so it wasn't firstr on my worry list this time, except to wonder how I'd share that 4 cubicles or so with about 50 other sisters, since they're targetting 100 pax in total.) I was worried that I'm the oldest, that I'd find it a bore to go through the ta'alim/classes, that I'm alone (since none of my friends seem to be going, and most of the participnts that replied to the facebook invite seems to know each other through previous MHDS activities), that I'd be too tired to go through everything (I'd never been to a camp 7 days long! Normally, at the end of a 3-day camp, I'd spend the whole of the next day sleeping. I tire easily. Partly the reason why I take hostel...) Then the initial worry about the persantren having activities against my principles also started to settle in, knowing that I still lack the knowledge to truly differentiate from what is right and what is wrong.

Now that it is roughly only 12hrs away from the camp, I don't know what to think about.

What I'm really thinking about right now is that I've yet to pack my bag, yet to finish studying for my Arab exams this Sunday, yet to do the GESL reflections due end of the year, yet to alot of other outstanding tasks larh!

And I'd be missing silat... and fatayaats usrah, and fatayaats gathering and tathmin mibarrat... :( I'm giving up alot eh for this persantren... I really hope that I shall become a better Muslimah at the end of 7 days. That I'd somehow be a more disciplined, healthier Muslimah, with more friends, more experiences, more knowledge... all in the hope of achieving the main purpose of my journey here on earth. Mardhatillah... InsyaAllah. This shall be my niat. Niat is the spark. Niat determines the deed. Yet a good niat does not make a bad approach good... A reminder to myself, and everyone else.

I'm afraid I'd have to tanding for the tri-uni friendlies on 4th Jan @ SMU... High probability that I'd be chosen, considering that I seem to be the only freshie in Class B (overweight! overweight! need to watch it!) and I attended Tuesday's and yesterday's training.... scared scared scared!

Till then, I'm scared of my NIE results, and my new sem's timetable. *groans*

I should go pray, eat, iron clothes, pack bag, read Arab notes and sleeeeeeep 'early'.

Good night and have a nice week ahead!

P.S. Thanks Jun for the ride home yesterday. It feels exhiliratingly good on a bike :D
P.S.S. I watched Avatar at the movies just now. Liked it. Except for the foreign language, the violence, the Eywa rituals and belief system and the... ahem. (Teringat Ust Noor nye talk during NEMC qiyam about media...). But still, guess it's a nice alternative after watching New Moon. You may wanna skip the 3D, unless you're watching on the biggest screen. A small screen doesn't make much difference, except for the no. of bucks left in your pocket, hehe.

Now I remember who was the doctor I consulted with at polyclinic just now! No wonder his name on the door rang a bell, I just read an article about him recently! Like what, less than 10 days ago?! Here!

So anyway, I reached the polyclinic at around 3.30pm and was asked to see a general practitioner first. Asked for a female doctor, none was available. Happened that I got a male malay doctor. Oh well. (SEE SEE I TOLD YOU THERE'S SO FEW FEMALE MALAY DOCTORS! That's why I wanted to be one, but hajat tak kesampaian, turns out I have a different path waiting for me...) When I reached his door, I saw the name and thought that it sounds familiar but I couldn't put a finger to it.

When I went in the see him, he looked so Chinese and asked in English that I ended up talking English to him, until he talked abit of Malay that I was convinced he's Malay afterall haha.

So anyway, he took a look at my previous medical history (I am a polyclinic kid inside out since young, no family doctors for my family cos my dad worked in the police force and we had medical benefits from polyclinic, and now's my turn to work for the government so yeah) and commented, "you're quite terror huh, so many injuries in the past". LOL, I was literally racking my brain what kind of injuries had I sustained before this, other than a recurring achilles tendonitis??? Then he asked when and how did I get my finger hurt (at this point, I already felt super silly for seeing a doctor for something as minor as an almost-immobilised finger, but I WAS REALLY WORRIED it could be a fracture and boo hoo if I'd have to learn to write with my left hand!) so I told him uh, got hurt during silat yesterday when my friend kicked my hand, and he was like, "woah silat, no wonder so many injuries." right now I'm wondering if he had the correct list of medical history, cause until now I don't remember any serious injuries!!! No broken bones or fractured bones or bad swelling or edema or lost a tooth and such whatttt...

But anyway, I told him uh those past injuries (while still wondering what those past injuries were he referring to) were not due to silat. Then he went on to ask if I was in national team (gosh no, I'm still very much an amateur! 3 months of training, 1 time tanding only ehhhh), which school's team am I in etc. He was surprised to hear NTU has silat. Erm? But he went on to ask if I know this guy, I'd forgotten the name already, who oversees silat from NUS/NTU or something like that... I just went blank. Didn't expect to be talking so much to a doctor haha. He's a friendly doctor, making his patients at ease.

I think the only reason why my medical history is made up of injuries instead of cold/flu or fever and such is because I don't see a doctor for cold/flu or fever. who needs a doctor telling you you have a fever when you obviously know you have a fever?? Just get plenty of rest at home, and don't spread it, in the case of cold/flu.

I took some painkillers, not that I'm gonna eat them... Just that I feel silly for spending like less than 1/2hr at the polyclinic for nothing. I'd only eat the painkiller if it's unbearable, which I doubt it would. Kinda immune to it already after spending one whole day having my pain receptors around the sprained (that's the only thing I say why there's pain) area transmitting pain signals to my brain. I can feel the stretch from my finger joint all the way up my right arm. But he said there's no fracture, means no fracture lor. I can straighten my finger, i just can't bend it, meaning I can't ball my right hand into a fist, or hold a pen properly (I haven't tried though), or eat with my hands, or type as usual etc... He just ask to put ice on it...

I can remember how painful and numb my hand felt after Mir kicked it yesterday. I couldn't pasang cos I couldn't feel where my hand/finger was! And my hands shook extra hard after the hit. Yet everyone must have thought that I'm such a ninny for reacting to such a minor injury, if they'd even call it an injury. But really ah, I didn't know how to react! Tell me how would you react if, no matter how much you want to continue the fight, you can't feel your hand cause it's in pain???

Speaking of reaction, the doctor said if it was a fracture (cos initially he did say he felt a gap along my bones, though err, that turns out to be a natural gap I have on both hands), the reflex action would be me hitting him already when he presses on the bone. Kau, drama seh. As much as I was in drama (which Mir finds it surprising. Mir calls me "unexpected". Silat, drama, motorbike. So unlike me, yet... haha) I wouldn't do that seh. At most I'd wince and tears sprout out of my tear ducts. Or worst case scenario, jerk my hand back and scream. Takdelah sampai pukul dia kan!

Oh, I've gotten my sleeping bag ($8.99 only!!!) and insect repellent. And a few other 'unnecessary stuffs' which mounts up to $52 plus. Aiyo... My mum spent more today. Finally she got her steam iron that you iron vertically, induction plate/hotplate and a mini ricecooker (for days only two people in the household are eating). I was tempted to buy this portable mini-stove. $30 plus only, but I think we can't cook IN our hostel rooms, so what's the point of buying...

Kk, gtg, meeting Nazihah soon, and bro Hamid's family, including little Sakinah! I've bought something for her. Have I ever said how enjoyable it is to look through baby stuff? :D

Marliyana ada banyak cerita niari. Marliyana tak tau nak mula dari mana. Random k.

Marliyana lapar. satu hari cuma makan kuih belanda (yang biscuit roll tu), nasi minyak pat jemputan tengahari tadi dan 1 roti sardine bersalut telur. Tapi kat rumah tinggal maggi je and Marliyana ngah pikir banyak-banyak kali pasal MSG dalam maggi. Marliyana taknak jadi bodoh. Marliyana suka jadi pandai.

Marliyana niari bangun awal. Pukul 2 pagi bangun belajar Tafsir, pukul 4 tertido, pukul 5 bangun balik, pukul 6 tertido, pukul 7 bangun balik. Alhamdulillah dapat habis 90% ulangkaji, tapi bila duduk untuk exam tu cam tak tahu cammane nak apply. Lagi-lagi kertas 2, closed book, dia mintak hukum yang rajih (ni ok jugak) berserta hujjah-hujjah ulama'-ulama'! Nama ulama' semua dah mixed up, apa tak nye ada agaknya 20-30 hukum. Nak hafal ayat-ayat Qur'an & hadith-hadith tak kesampaian, jadi exam tu tulis ajelah sehampir mungkin dengan dall-dalil yang ingat. Tak exact words.

Exam tafsir tu kat Jurong West, dekat dengan NTU/NIE. Lepas kertas 1, Marliyana langsung mulakan Kertas 2, tanpa rehat 1/2 jam seperti lazimnya sebab Marliyana nak cepat. Lepas Kertas 2, Marliyana singgah asrama jap, pastu ikut parents gi jemputan kat Chai Chee. Pat jemputan ada kawan dari masjid istighfar, kenal dari ITQAN & qiyam pat En-Naeem kelmarin, jadi kendarat. Tapi tengok dia, dia buat bodoh, takde wajah untuk menunjukkan dia recognise Marliyana pon, jadi Marliyana pon buat bodoh ah. Makanan pat jemputan tu sedap, rasanya sama caterer dengan caterer untuk majlis makcik Marliyana minggu lalu. Creative kalau tak silp. Gitu lah namanya.

Lepas Zohor, Marliyana gi madrasah pat Tampines pulak, untuk Kertas Kepimpinan Dalam Islam. Marliyana rasa Kertas 1 okeh, tapi sebahagian daripada Kertas 2 susah sangat. Marliyana main hentam aje.

Lagi 5-10 minit nak tamat peperiksaan, Marliyana hantar kertas sebab dah tak boleh fiir lagi. Marliyana jumpa parents pat Afghanistan, minum bandung dalam beberapa teguk sahaja terus jalan-jalan sikit ngan mak. Baju-baju dekat daerah situ lawa-lawa, dan walaupun rasa perlu untuk beli baju baru, Marliyana tak beli sebab tak bawak duit lebih, dan malas nak withdraw. At last, mak Marliyana belanja beli 2 pyjamas, sebab pyjamas yang ada dah tinggalkan kat asrama. $6 kat lelong, murah lah tu.

Malam, Marliyana ikut mak dan makcik Marliyana jalan-jalan kat Tampines. Nak katakan shopping, boleh jugak arh. Marliyana beli 2 kasut & 1 seluar tracks. Memang dah lama nak beli kasut, untuk pakaian semi-formal kat sekolah & untuk bila pakai jubah (tak senonoh gitu pakai jubah abistu pakai kasut $6.90 yang mak label sebagai 'kasut nyonya' yang Marliyana biasa pakai tu), jadi bila ada kasut semurah $10.80 & $15.90, Marliyana belilah.

Itu je kejadian hari ni sebenarnya...

Tapi adalah hal-hal lain. Marliyana masih memikirkan tentang apa yang Marliyana 'belajar' Jumaat & Sabtu lalu. Walaupun Marliyana belum dapat menerima semuanya dan memberikan kata akhir, sekurang-kurangnya, Marliyana rasa Marliyana dah mempunyai suatu pendirian yang sesuai buat masa ni, supaya tak terlalu stress fikirkan ni.

Marliyana rasa Marliyana banyak stress kebelakangan ni. Sebab asyik pening-pening kepala macam migraine. Nak jumpa doktor macam tak perlu, tapi takut jugak kalau ada apa-apa tak kena. Semoga dijauhkan sebarang penyakit dan musibah. Amin. Lebih-lebih lagi Marliyana baru-baru ni dengar cerita ada orang sakit-sakit kepala, rupanya darah tinggi sampai satu hari tahap tekanan darahnya terlalu tinggi sehingga urat dalam otak pecah menyebabkan stroke sebelah badan dan kehilangan kebolehan untuk berkata-kata.

Oh, kelmarin bila Marliyana pergi Body Worlds, Science Centre & Imax Theatre dengan Harizah & Mahmudah, case kamera Marliyana hilang. Dah cari & dah laporkan, sekarang Marliyana redha & tawakkal sahaja. Mudah-mudahan Marliyana dapat balik, tapi kalau tak, mungkin Allah akan gantikan dengan yang lebih baik... Cuma, kalau Marliyana hilang kebolehan untuk menggerakkan setengah badan atau untuk bercakap, tu Marliyana tak pasti jikalau Marliyana dapat redha & tawakkal. Mudah-mudahan dijauhkan musibah seperti itu...

Tadi petang, ada kawan tu sms Marliyana, tapi mungkin cara Marliyana kurang menyenangkan hati, Marliyana rasa dia merajuk dengan Marliyana. Marliyana tak tau apa nak buat. Marliyana tak pandai nak pujuk orang, lebih-lebih lagi melalui sms. Nak call, Marliyana macam takut pulak kalau dia marah dengan Marliyana. Jadi Marliyana buat bodoh. Serba salah pulak rasanya. Tapi Marliyana benar-benar ada hal Selasa malam ni... Memang boleh skip, tapi... entah. sememangnya Marliyana serba salah.

Besok malam kawan Marliyana nak pergi Laos, bukan untuk Sea Games, tapi untuk buat kebajikan. Marliyana rasa Marliyana nak hantar dia sampai airport. Marliyana suka jalan-jalan kat airport sebenarnya. Marliyana rindu sangat nak naik kapal terbang... tapi...

Parents Marliyana dah benarkan Marliyana bercuti dengan kawan sepanjang dua minggu ke Australia bulan Jun depan. Marliyana pon dah bilang kawan Marliyana tu. Sekali, bila belajar untuk exam Tafsir tadi, Marliyana terlintas dengan suatu hadith, tak pasti riwayat siapa, dan samada ia sahih atau tidak, tapi Marliyana yakin Ustaz cuma menggunakan yang sahih sahaja untuk menyokong hukum-hukum yang disebut dalam nota tu. Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w.: "seorang wanita tidak dibolehkan keluar bermusafir lebih dari tiga hari kecuali ada bersamanya mahramnya." Marliyana yakin parents & abang-abang Marliyana taknak (atau tak mampu, maklumlah bujang nak kahwin...) pergi Australia. Jadi, rasanya Marlliyana terpaksalah batalkan nist nak kesana, melainkan pada masa tu Marliyana dah ada suami, dan kemungkinan ini rasanya amat tidak berkemungkinan langsung... Tengoklah macam mana... Kalau ada rezeki dan telah ditetapkan Marliyana akan dapat jejak Australia, maka suatu hari nanti Marliyana akan jejak juga. Lagipun keluarga Marliyana sedang menghadapi sedikit kesempitan wang jugak, jadi... yelah...

Tapi Marliyana sedih jugaklah. Dah ghairah sungguh... Mungkin nanti Marliyana cari lebih lanjut pasal hadith tadi kott. Niat Marliyana nak pergi Australia pun, selain untuk 'lari daripada dunia Singapura 24/7' adalah untuk menziarahi Umairah untuk melihat keadaan belia-belia Muslim disana, dan untuk mengalami melihat kangaroo yang bermacam-macam jenis di sana sini serta mengalami snow, kalau berkesempatan.... Takpelah, Marliyana simpan niat tu baik-baik okeh.

Tadi semasa nak berjalan ke majlis jemputan, Marliyana nampak motor (vespa agaknya) warna pink yang comel dan lawa sekali. Bila Marliyana tunjuk mak Marliyana, mak Marliyana setuju ia cantik, dan lebih penting lagi, mak Marliyana setuju kos motor lebih murah, dan ia lebih laju maka ia merupakan sesuatu yang praktikal bagi seorang pelajar. Mak Marliyana nampak ok aje kalau Marliyana nak amek lesen motor. Kalau ye betul Marliyana cekal hati untuk dapatkan lesen motor, Marliyana nak dapat sebelum Ogos tahun depan, jadi bila Marliyana masuk tahun kedua, Marliyana tak perlu sewa asrama lagi, dan kos asrama serta kos makan minum dan tambang bas dan sebagainya dapat disalurkan untuk membayar harga motor dan minyak. Yang membuat Marliyana teragak-agak ialah Marliyana rasa malu nak belajar motor, memandangkan yang belajar motor kebanyakannya lelaki... Marliyana tak selesalah nak langkah naik motor semua depan lelaki...

Marliyana singgah kedai singtel & Starhub tadi. Marliyana amat tertarik dengan telefon bimbit Samsung Preston, Samsung Jet & Samsung Omnia II. marliyana sebenarnya dah sediakan wang untuk untuk hp baru, tapi cuma Marliyana malu nak tanya-tanya harga dekat kedai. Lebih-lebih lagi kalau tukang jual tu jenis yang tak kuasa nak layan orang. Maklumlah orang ramai beli i-phone, Marliyana tak pandang pon telefon tu. Bila malu, Marliyana gagap & teragak-agak nak berbual, sampai salesperson tu pon tak paham apa Marliyana nak. Yang Marliyana dapat tahu tadi, Singtel kira mengikut per minute billing, dan Samsung Preston berharga $48 dengan student plan...

Kelmarin Marliyana berasa ghairah tentang Persantren Kilat. Marliyana yakin sangat ia mungkin merupakan sesuatu yang dapat mendidik dan merubah Marliyana menjadi lebih berdisiplin sebagai seorang Muslimah dalam amalan-amalan harian. Marliyana pon dengar feedback yang positif dari Mahmudah. Tapi lepas Marliyana dapat ketahui lebih lanjut, Marliyana jadi kurang pasti pulak. Mudah-mudahan niat Marliyana yang asalnya tercapai, disamping mendapatkan pengalaman baru...

Marliyana rasa Marliyana dah tahu kenapa Marliyana bersikap sangat temperamental kebelakangan ini, dan Marliyana semacam tidak boleh mengawal perasaan marah atau irritated. Bukan sebab Marliyana rebellious. Marliyana cuma kehilangan kesabaran terhadap setiap yang berlaku. Marliyana perlu lebih relekskan diri dan minda supaya tidak terlalu wound-up... Ya Allah, berikanlah aku kesabaran...

Marliyana tak tau kenapa alih-alih Marliyana blog sebegini. Marliyana memang rasa lain semacam gitu, tapi tak apalah. Marliyana dah ngantok. Dah lebih satu jam Marliyana taip. Marliyana nak tido. Marliyana dah penat berfikir. Marliyana nak shut-down buat beberapa jam...

As the sore throat heals, first you get a scratchy voice with itchy throat that brings tears to your eyes, followed by a 'sengau' voice with lots of phlegm down your windpipe all the way up to the tip of your nose. Eew, but it's a process.

I'm halfway through the book 'Cleo'. It is taking much more time than needed for Twilight. I started on Monday evening... The story is emotional, with alot of comparisons to cat life interestingly put across, as well as insightful yet funny excerpts that makes you go "ya arh...", so it befuddles me as to why I'm taking so long to complete the book. I guess because I don't see where the book is going. First the author talks about the death of her son, then how the cat came, what happens when she got a new job bla bla bla... What can I say, it's a true life story... There's bound to be unexpected turns of events that you do not expect at all in the start. I thought the story would end when the cat has settled down in the house, since the title of the book is the name of the cat, but since when does life ends just because one issue is done? You seem to be facing one life issue after another (if not a couple of issues all at the same time), until death takes you away...

Anyway, finally Ust Fathurrahman replied my inquiry to sit for the exam I missed last year due to KRC when I decided to sms him. The paper is this Sunday! 8.30am @ Jurong West, very near NTU! And I haven't start studying at all! 2 papers of Tafsir Al-Qur'an 1, and then I have to travel back to Tampines for 2 papers of my Kepimpinan Dalam Islam module. One step done: to dig out my Tafsir notes (I seriously need better organisation in my room with regards to allllllll my poly, madrasah, Fityan, NI and whatnots papers... I need to catalogue them haha. It was a chore looking for my Cell Biology & Molecular Genetic notes in my box of poly notes as they're under the pile of Yr 2 & 3 notes, owwww.

I am very sensitive to cigarette smell. I hate it! It seems to choke around the neck and make your eyes bulge out. The taste that reaches your tongue is a very weird bitter-hacking-kind-of taste, bluek. At the time when there's still pillows and bolsters (and less eruptions of pimples on the face) I'd press my nose and mouth hard into one of them to keep out the cigarette smell as I use the comp in the living room. How glad I am that I've a laptop now and can confine myself in the room. Now, this is another reason I don't watch tv...

Hmmm.... For less fortunate people who don't have opportunities readily knocking on their door every few months, they go out and look for the opportunities. And so, wherever they are, they'd be thinking, "What's next?" and planning for it. I like to keep my options open. I like to know that there are options. Without options, it feels like I've reached a dead end. But I won't narrow down the options, until the time comes when it is absolutely necessary to do so. In a way, I simply wait for the wave to hit me and bring me where I'm 'meant' to be next, yet I like to keep a lookout for all the waves that are coming towards me, as far as I can see...

Yeah, as I was thinking about this, Fityan STC talked about it. What's next for STC? I'm not too interested since I'm still new to it, yet I like knowing there's somewhere to go next. I would be getting older year after year afterall, I can't be in a youth comm anymore, though I guess it's nice to stay involved in the youth scene. There's so much you can and need to do, still.

More importantly was the question to ponder upon, where do you see yourself in 3 years time? I dunno! Many many things can happen in 3 years. Just within 1 year, this year, I was in poly, doing SIP/MP, afterwhich I graduated, and then faced joblessness for awhile, before I started part-time work at Geylang East library and then like a big huge wave hitting me, I got carried to NIE. That's just the main skeleton, not to mention my days and weeks and months filled with different activities and... 'changes'. Changes in obsession, for one, haha. But I guess this year is like this because it's the crossroad... This 'eventful' year won't be repeating until about 8 years down the road when I finish my bond with NIE, and may not decide to continue. As I said, I like keeping my options open ;)

Ok, better be going. Have got lots to do before Maghrib~! Minutes and studying for exams mainly :P

I'm genuinely surprised to see two people (Ustazah & someone I don't know by the name of Kiran) following this blog and Nazihah tagging. Hmm... I wonder if I'd just been oblivious before this or did these surprising surprises just happened today *shrugs*

Anyway... yes my obsession with Twilight has yet to die down. It has totally replaced my obsession of facebook. Hmm... I'm currently reading Twilight back on the parts I skipped earlier, plus downloading the movie and soundtracks and trying to convert them to fit my MP4, I have an inkling it's full already... But NO, I'm not deleting my nasyids for Twilight. Gotta be firm with that!! No matter how much I delve myself into these fantasies, reality shall have to remain reality and in reality I'm a Muslim. My prayers, Qur'an recitations, principles, dress, adab, nasyids etc should remain. If Twilight have to fit into my life, it gotta squeeze into whatever spaces there's left. I should get over it soon.... Right?? It's a TEENAGE LOVE story revolving around VAMPIRES and WEREWOLVES la seyyyyy. I'm feeling abit old for that :S

Ok, apart from Twilight trying to take over my life (and it has to a certain extent, unfortunately), I still go out and attend meetings, meet friends etc.

Had GESL (Group Endeavours Service Learning) on Monday. Alhamdulillah, the heritage race went on pretty satisfactorily. Just as I thought it's over, though, we have to do the reflections and peer appraisal. I'm glad I'm not one of the drivers, otherwise I'd be busy compiling the documents now...

So anyway, my group did the heritage race for chronically ill kids from Club Rainbow. I was there for the briefing to listen to what each kid suffers from low IQ to slowness to cleft lip to eczema to lupus to epilepsy to arthritis. It rather breaks your heart to see them looking healthy on the outside yet knowing what ails them inside. Most of them were very cheerful, some were playful and mischievous, some quiet and shy, a few trying hard to grab your attention. They really looked normal, most of them! Some are supposed to already be in secondary school level but they've been retained in primary school...

It makes you happy seeing them smile though. And it is rather easy to make most of them smile :) Sweet kids.... I pray for them goodness, that whatever comes their way is made easy for them and their families...

Oh, in my attempt to lead life as normal as possible (to jab into my head that no vampires or werewolves exist in this world of mine, for I do have a strong sense of imagination hehe) I went for meeting at Bro Hamid's house this morning with Kak Maryam. Aniq is forever charming and handsome, though dirtily handsome today, putting my pens in his mouth and more. And Nur Sakinah is so lovely.... Even if she did vomit out the milk onto my hand and pants and poo pooed about 5 times haha. I'm sure there'll be more meetings at Bro Hamid's house... So, I'm soooo gonna watch this little princess grow! And learn abit about handling babies from Bro Hamid & Kak Marliana, and maybe cooking also from Kak Marliana & Sheela hehe. Did you know babies cry differently to indicate the different things they want? Try youtube it! :P

I went to Courts with my mum as well today after meeting, and got myself a Samsung ST_45 camera! I'm loving it ;) Cost me quite abit, and so I hope I can claim it from LDS, which I still have over $300! I don't know why I'm unable to access the claims page though, urgh!!! I thought after spending over $100 on Twilight books and two other books, I'd have a rein on myself. Apparently NOT. And right now my phone line has finished it's 3 yrs contract, I wanna change to student plan! I'm not in need of a phone but since I'm getting a new line, might as well right? Hmm...

My mum brought up something interesting, and funny this afternoon. She admitted to me, wondering if she had looked as childlike as I do when she got married at 21 plus. Haha. Yes, I'm turning 21 this Feb! So fast.... But no, I can't get married yet. I think I'd only be able to safely get married without disrupting my bond with MOE so much after I graduate from NIE at 25. Hmmm...

Speaking of marriage, can I request my future husband to play "A River Flows in You" by Yiruma on the piano pleaseeeeeeee? That is one song that can make me smile to sleep, apart from one of the Final Fantasy piano pieces and a few other pieces.... Of course not a priority hehe, but it's an added plus heh ;) Ok dah, stop it eh with your fantasies Marl!!

Am going NIE tomorrow afternoon with Jamie. Now that's one girl who can play piano really well. I wonder if she can teach me to play the songs patiently enough hehe. No larh, I prefer listening to playing the piano...

Hmm, have alot of catch-ups to do! Meeting and CPR with Fityan peeps this Sat, usrah with Ustazah Sakinah & Liyana this Sun, movie date with Siti this coming Monday, birthday celebration with Abg on Tuesday most likely, Science Centre cum Body World outing with Harizah & Mahmudah on Wednesday, cycling at ECP with Maizura & Bio peeps on Friday, Minds Cafe with Ulam Raja peeps on 15th, and off I go for spiritual uplifting on 19th-25th followed by Alkaff Teenz Camp on 26th-27th.

NIE results out on 21st. School reopening on 8th Jan. I have madrasah exams on 13th & 20th Dec. And I have Biodiversity assignment and GESL reflections due very very soon. Should be doing them now, hmmmm...

Super duper pissed and frustrated gilerh.

10 lessons or less in total, with this being only my 2nd time (1hr previously, 1hr this time) in circuit, how in the world am I supposed to gain confidence in driving a car which I can't see the front of the car AT ALL from my seat?!?!

And then when I wait for instructions, no instructions are given and expect me to do things on my own... then when I do things on my own suddenly instructions come my way and I can't concentrate already as I lose my train of thoughts. Abistu cakap tak follow instructions. Pening-pening.

Then kejap cakap asal kelam-kabut, jangan panic (can't remember the word used, but it starts with 'h' uh). Then kejap cakap asal lembik sangat, slowwww sangat orang bawak kereta dah sampai melaka and cepat sikit, masa dalam circuit 1 jam je. Pening betol...

Dah la tu, suroh reverse, abe pat belakang ade kereta, tak ke aku terberhenti jap, tanya, nak confirmkan slot mane kena masuk??

Urgh! Memang aku kadang2 khayal sikit and tend to forget the signals and I can't seem to notice signs for some reason. And seriously I'm still unfamiliar with all those road markings!! But oh God, give me a chance sehh... It all comes with alot of experience and practice kan... Aku bagi pening, hai ape taknya aku sendiri peningggg...

Kena marah rabak niari. Takble tahan, control control, tetap takble tahan.

According to my dad, normally people would have more or less 30hrs of practicals before test. I have like what, 20? Or less I think... Cos some lessons only 1hr.

I don't mind not passing this coming Tuesday. Though that'd mean confirm need to retake FTT cos this september would be 2 years already... Aiyerrrr.

Papelah, penat aku. Tengoklah, blog jadi mangsa.

Stress sehhh... All the best eh Marl Tuesday ni. Mudah2an this Tuesday and all the upcoming times I shall drive, takde musibah yang menimpa... I've gotten hit by a car before, never do I want to be the one hitting someone else...

Mudah2an dengan kena marah berapa banyak kali ni, akan tersirat dan tersurat dan terkunci padat dalam kepala otak supaya tak akan lupa buat selama2nya.

Mistakes are natural. Just make sure you learn from them. Ouch.