A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.- William Arthur Ward

Partly because I have friends who're more of brothers and sisters to me that are like this, that I now stand as who I am today...

My brother is officially moving out today, he's packing his things with his wife now :( There will be a day that it'd be my turn to leave too... Maybe. And if/when it happens, I think I'm gonna cry because of its significance... My second brother will most likely be the one staying with my parents...

On another note, I have found another reason to visit Dubai thanks to Liyana haha. It's one of the places on my wishlist (oh I got bored and decided to mengelamun for awhile thinking of things I wanna do, and places I wanna go to and Dubai turned up in my list hehe). I'm not a fan of swimming (eventhough it's in my wishlist too just because it's something I rarely do) but the experience with the sharks at the Atlantis Aquaventure Water Park sounds fuuuuuuuun!

Haha, I need something thrilling soon, my life is so dull right now with assignments and reports and books urgh I need fresh air.

Harizah suggested parasailing at Batam this December. I hope I'd be able to go :)

I'm hungryyyyyyy, I seem to be hungry all the time today despite all the food I chunk down! Fact is, there're food I'm craving and I won't get satiated until I get them! Hei Sushi! KFC Popcorn chicken and fries! Swensen spicy fish pasta! *drools* Oh and I keep hearing Wendy's and turns out there's one at Tampines Century Square! I wanna go try!!!

I didn't exactly had a great day. I was so lethargic... And I just had no mood to complete my lab report and had to force myself to crap anyways... I did finish it on time afterall, and even had time to buy and chow down some sardine breadrolls and nuggets before class... But something my friend said hurt me. Same story... About studying...

I don't see why I have to prove anything to anyone... But I feel I need to prove to my friends I can do it... It's a good peer pressure I guess, but I'm not happy... I completed two more pages of slides on top of the two pages yesterday... And I can't wait till I don't have to take Chemistry modules anymore...

You know, I'd been thinking of KRC4 these few days... I miss it. I miss my group, Pesantren Lenggoong... What a myriad of personalities, strong ones at that... Apart from Nadhirah, the rest of us are rather active at Ghufran now. We should have another KRC laaa... I didn't really enjoy KRC5 other than the snorkelling, I dunno, just less significance I guess? KRC4 meant a lot to me, part of my turning point in life, and the activities were gerekkkkk! Flying fox, water rafting, survival cooking, nightwalk, secret admirer etc...

I wanna be young again and have an excuse to be naive hehe

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, Allah has given me this wonderful opportunity to meet Ramadhan again :)

Ahlan wa sahlan ya Ramadhan! I've been longing for you :)))

Actually, I was hesitant to start this post. I was hesitant, scared of people's judgement, scared of what people will say... Because people have judged (wrongly I must add) and people have said... I wrote an entry in a book yesterday, I felt so free to write anything and everything! But, it felt selfish... I want to share my thoughts and experiences... I just have to be more careful...

Putting that aside, aaahhh, it feels great to be in Ramadhan again. And this year, because of YOG (the only good thing about it in my opinion, after all the hassle it has caused) many if us have 3 weeks of free reign this Ramadhan, whee~!

Anyway, I helped out for awhile at Ghufran this afternoon, packing, carrying, counting the porridge to be given out. It feels good to be doing it again. The first year I was a volunteer at Ghufran, I helped with the packing, not knowing many people smile here smile there don't talk much. Today, 5-6 Ramadhan down the road here I am still! But with a slightly more responsibility. People trust you, and with trust comes responsibility :)

It was nice to see the Spingfield students helping out. I heard that some of them ASKED their teacher to be part of it. Hmm, many might be negative and say, "Alar, just because they want more CIP hours...." but let's give the the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they really want to join in the spirit of helping during Ramadhan :))

This year I felt a renewed purpose for being there packing. As my fingers get red and hot (and sticky) from handling the hot porridge with my bare fingers, I pray that these very fingers would be my witness in the hereafter that eventhough I did not contribute in monetary form, I contributed in terms of effort in making food for people to break fast with (it'am) :))) I was very excited about this fact that I so wanted to share with the Springfield students, but they were all boys, and I was kinda paiseh haha so in the end, I didn't.

Oh, Ramadhan teaches me to talk nicely. HAHA. Cause... other people are fasting too. People are tired and hungry and thirsty, and therefore, they are grumpy.... So you have to smile and talk nicely to them. As the powerpuff girls love to sing "Love love love love love, love love, makes the world go round" hahahaha. So yeah, no matter how bad is the day, smile, be nice and polite... It's a sadaqah anyway ;)

Some people can get pretty unreasonable, volunteer and jemaah alike. Probably they're tired... y'know... What matters is, as long as we are not one of the kind :)

That's pretty much my thoughts for today. Have about 30-45mins more to go before break fast....

I think I shall type out parts of what I wrote in my book yesterday...

Day 0 Ramadhan

Ramadhan... Ramadhan... I wonder how this Ramadhan would be.

Two years ago, I was having internship and my Ramadhan was spent doing my SIP and MP, and because I would usually finish my tasks late, I had to break fast at work or at a mosque near the workplace (TLL, NUS) Sometimes I had to miss my Terawih (I think) as I go in and out of the cold room with my project... Sometimes I would do my own Terawih at home. Or if I have the chance, I would rush to any mosque near there be it Masjid Haji MOhd Salleh (izzit??), Masjid Tentera DiRaja or Masjid Darussalam. Or even Masjid Darul Aman or Masjid Mydin if I was on the train home during break fast. Rarely do I get to go to Ghufran.

Last year too I didn't get to Terawih often at Ghufran because I was staying at hostel and I either have NTUMS Ramadhan meeting or silat at night... So i ended up doing my Terawih in my room on my own, if I had the strength... Or if I could, I encouraged my friends to join the NTUMS Terawih prayers at South Spine.

Ramadhan means alot to me. I so-called 'turned over a new leaf' in Ramadhan in 2006. Or at least it was the point I was introduced to Ghufran's activities, volunteering etc. I started doing many new things that year, including Terawih (if I'm not mistaken) and it was the start of my journey in becoming a better Muslim, and a better person in general. And I want to make sure that every Ramadhan will me become better and better.

I have many goals this Ramadhan. Mainly is to keep what I did last Ramadhan and to UP those where possible. Yeah... And Ghufran dakwah department has prepared a list of ibadah goals that tops my list, yet what's the point of doing them if my heart isn't there. This Ramadhan is a training for my whole self inside and out....

I wonder how this Ramadhan will be for my family. Last year, it wasn't really pleasant, in my opinion. I have many prayers and wishes, mostly concerning my family... May this Ramadhan be better, much much better for my family. I shall keep praying and not lose hope.

Anyway, I had been watching Imam Muda on youtube for the past few days and awww... I'm so kagum of these young men. Haha. Like... woah.... Respect... I pray that, may my jodoh be a true imam (in all aspects) not only for my future family, but also for the community :) Heheh

Oh! It's Maghrib already! May this Ramadhan be a blessed one for me!

Ramadhan is here! Ramadhan is here! Ahlan wa sahlan ya Ramadhan! Alhamdulillah, all praise be to Allah for giving me this opportunity to meet Ramadhan once again.

Tubna ila Allah. Wa raja'na ila Allah. Wa nadimna ya Allah. Wa nadimna ya Allah...

I want to make good use of my Ramadhan. Be well into the spirit of Ramadhan and may I come out of Ramadhan victorious (a better person) or I syahid in it. Either way would be lovely.

I'm currently at Ghufran. Aaaah home sweet home. No matter what people say about this blue mosque, it'll always have a special place in my heart. Ghufran means alot to me.

Darul Ghufran... The meaning of the name itself is already so beautiful. House of forgiveness... May in this house, this Ramadhan, I would be able to do good deeds and be cleansed of my sins.

There's so many people at Ghufran!! While some people find that it is noisy and uncomfortable etc with having so many people, I'm different, I like to see so many people in the House of Allah. It's just so heartwarming...

I received a message from my mum and Fatimah earlier on. It reads:
Salam everyone. My name is SYAABAN. I;m advising you that my neighbour RAMADHAN will be visiting you soon with his wofe REZEKI and two children SAHUR and IFTAAR. They will be accompanied by three grandchildren RAHMAT, BARAKAH and TAUBAT. They will leave after thirty days by EID airlines. Treasure them and you will be blessed. Ramadhan mubarak. May this coming Ramadhan bring lots of NUR in our life. Amin.

Wow, the camp was such an energy-seeper that I slept for about 13 hours and am still feeling super sleepy now. But had to go online to do edit abit of the proposal so Welfare can ask for more sponsors. The journey is still ongoing!

And... gosh why must my group be so fit?? Haha, imagine running from Jurong East swimming complex to the Pagoda at Chinese Garden and then climbing up the spiral staircase to the 7th storey and then running to Masjid Al-Mukminin! My legs are so wobbly now haha.

I was supposedly to go on a date with Husniyati today but I was too tired and wobbly so terpaksa postpone :( Sry Husni...

The mock camp went well, I guess. Alot of great feedbacks and suggestions. InsyaAllah by the time it's the actual camp, with the suggestions and other improvements in place, it'd be a great camp.

I've just got a big problem with public speaking. I talk too fast and the sequence of things I talk about is all over the place. Haiz, it was unfortunate that I had to talk quite alot during the camp.

Initially I was just the Head Programmer, then we needed facis and we figured out that the best 4 people are the Head SM and Head faci themselves plus 2 programmers who should know the programmes best and so for mock camp, I was one of the facis from programmes (since the other 2, 1 just came back from US and was sick so can't attend the games trial and the other stays in Johor for the holidays and had to miss quite a number of meetings and part of the games trial too).

Somehow or rather, I ended up being the emcee. It was temporary for Day 1, and that night we appointed another person as emcee, but when morning came, turned out that the emcee had something else and so I went up front again. Argh! I don't really have stage fright, from past experiences, but when I'm not prepared, I panic! And yeah amongst the crowd of facis and SMs that attended our Mock Camp as pax are our very own camp advisors plus the exco of NTUMS and Perbayu, past and present and probably future. Scary jugak ah...

Some parts I was just too tired, too tired even to eat. Day 0 I had a late lunch at around 5 and no dinner (cos I was very sleepy already). I only had a heavy lunch (which I didn't finish cos I found the smell too overwhelming) for Day 1 then ate only chicken for dinner. For Day 2 I think I only managed to down a few biscuits for the whole day. And Day 3 finally I ate some Nasi Lemak but couldn't finish it cos I really was about to vomit already, and when I reached home at night I only had energy to down egg and chicken. I really had no appetite (and time) to eat. Just feels like vomiting each time I look at rice. Dunno why. Never experienced this before seh.

Anyways I really miss my Fityan peeps *sniff sniff*. Everyone is so hyped up about Myspex and I hadn't gone even for one of the games. I was supposed to help out with the Netball day's programmes, but had to back out. I hadn't even take my jacket (the zip was spoiled when I went to take it last week). I wanna play Speedtag for Fityan on the closing ceremony day on 10th but I'm afraid it might clash with something for FOC... :(

Cepatnya masa berlalu... I took 2-3hrs to actually start doing SOME WORK (which was VERY little) then I did my laundry, bathed, prayed, put out the laundry and here I am at 3.54am. :(

I should really go to sleep, or at least continue my research paper, but I just felt like typing something...

I sat for my Organic Chem test just now. I couldn't do so many questions, cause I didn't finish studying. I feel so disappointed in myself. I'd taken Organic Chem in poly before and if I'm not mistaken, I got an A or even a distinction! But this, I screwed up one of the 3 lab reports and the test (15%of overall) just now so I guess, there goes my 30%. How to get A!!!

I was too tired.... Yikes.

Nak kata I regretted becoming a faci for Finding Seacreo, not really. I guess I just didn't manage my time well, boo hoo... So disappointed in myself :'(((

It was another enriching experience being a faci for Finding Seacreo. This is my second time becoming a faci, and it was really different from the first one. The pax were younger than Radiate (except two), the group was mixed of which only 3 were girls, my faci partner is a guy (Faizal btw), I had TEN pax under our care, it was outdoors (about 8 hours with 2 races in it at Sentosa) and we as faci were also the game masters and safety officers. Stress I tell youuuu... I don't think I did a good job. I think I failed to carry out the amanah properly. I am glad that at least 5 of them enjoyed the camp, I guess the programmes were fun, alhamdulillah. I hope they learned at least ONE beneficial thing from the camp...

For the next two weeks, I have my Saturdays full, and I'm scared it would tire me out again. My first paper is on 21st, 8 more days only. 8 days to cover four subjects with 8-20 topics each *faints* I need to get the momentum back (the camp really broke my momentum) and be focused and disciplined with my revision. And I MUST finnish this ALS research paper by tmr night to send for draft safe assignment and peer review...

I am worried why I can't seem to get anything done at all... and time flies so so fast! I'm scared... I wanna do well this sem. I really do. I must pull up my GPA... :'(((

"Harizah couldn’t imagine what kind of teacher I would be. But she mentioned I’d probably be like Prof Yan (whom the three of us like very much hehe) or Prof Tham (who teaches very well, and gives us cheese samples in class! tho we have to read alot ALOT for her class)…

Mahmudah immediately imagines me as a teacher who gets bullied by her students.

Sad story :("

This is what I wrote a few months ago.... I'm sure their perception of me has changed. Now they know how strict I can be when I want to. I wonder how my students will fare on days that I have PMS, I sure hope they'll be good angels then.

I'd been thinking alot.

Part of what I think about is the teaching profession. No doubt, I respect the teaching profession alot alot and find it a very fine and 'mulia' career path. The only thing I'm worried about is if I can be a good teacher. If I can, of course I'd continue to teach till it's time to retire. I can see the development in this profession and I would love to be part of that development process. One of the things I guess I can start developing from now is patience....

However, if I really can't be a good teacher, I'd better find something else to do after my 4-years bond. It's better that I don't torture myself and my students right... I should think that I'd love working in a lab. But I dunno. I'm partly trying to earn the affection of some of my lecturers so that I can learn more about the research work, though I guess I'm not putting so much effort.

Time is a factor. I already have commitments all around me, how could I commit to a research project while studying?! I'd go nuts! though yea, when else would it be a good time to be involved in a research project than when you're a student...

I'd been thinking of other things too...

I'm so happy to see Fityan having new members again. It feels like such a long time since we had a group of people join us. Alhamdulillah the orientation and ubin cip follow-up went well. Can't wait for the next event. I lookk at these people, and I convince myself that these are the new leaders that will lead Fityan to betterment, that will lead the youths of tomorrow towards betterment.... *excited!*

At the same time, I seem to feel so old and 'junkie' in Fityan. Hadn't been doing anything.... Really. I am grateful for their understanding on my workload and such...

I'm seeing a development process in NTUMS. I dunno. I can't decide what's best for me...

Other things that I'd beenn thinking aboout... is amanah and tanggungjawab.

For awhile, I felt like the whole world (ok that's exaggerating...) is on my shoulders... With ilmu comes responsibility. A heavy one at that... But recently I have found that maybe I am not strong enough for that amanah and tanggungjawab, and alhamdulillah, it has been transferred to others. I am currently on the receiving end, but of course, there is no such thing as 100% receipt, I as a DPI student still has a responsibility, the responsibility to share and dakwah and remind and applaud etc.

Ilmu itu bagai senjata yang boleh membahayakan diri. Ilmu boleh menjadi sebab seseorang itu masuk syurga, namun ia juga boleh menjadi sebab seseorang itu masuk neraka, nauzubillah min dzalik.

As I think about the things that have been happening around me, the more I think about what do they mean and where my role lies. I'd been plunged into NIE for one. And I begin to be more and more interested in the community, especially the youths, and where are we moving towards, especially through Kak Shahidah, TMSN, Fityan, Andalus etc. There's so many people who're concerned in this 'transformation' or 'development' of the youths in this generation to ensure that the next generation will be in a state better than how we are now. It's all interesting to hear and know. I'm helping here and there, contributing little energy where I can, yet I can't see where am I in the bigger picture. It'll take time. Maybe, my role is just to be aware and spread the awareness *shrugs*

Ok, my head hurts from thinking, cos I have alot of schoolwork to think about and I should really go to sleep... and I haven't done much progress in those schoolwork... Quite a number of things to start doing/finish this week. Chem report due on Thursday. ALS e-learning due end of the week. Main Group Chem test coming up soon. ICT group assignment due in slightly more than just a week. ALS resarch paper too (not to add madrasah metodologi proposal paper). Bio report due next Friday. What else? Can I not sleep for 3 days and get all of these done??? I wonder, hmm....

But yeah, my head really hurts right now from looking at the screen within a short distance for a very long time. Time to sleep!

I have alot alot to blog about! Had so many happenings ever since my last proper lengthy update. Prove is: my FB status updates, haha.

Ok, let's start with the latest....

I just attended an intercultural event by NTUMS in school just now. Well, it was interesting. The sisters only had the chance to hear from a Bangledishi sister who's currently doing her PhD at NTU, whereas the brothers were very fortunate to hear sharings from Indonesian, Pakistani, Kazakhstan brothers and I don't remember where else. There were so many brothers, where are all the sisters?? Nevertheless, we got the opportunity to hear a brother from Kazakhstan play one of their musical instruments. And he was dorning a Kazakh traditional costume and in the background, they showed pictures of Kazakhstan... As for the food, we had briyani (sedappp youuuu!) ough we sisters had to share one packet only... which was surprisingly enough! I was full after dinner, after trying the kebab from amirah's grill (still crispy! i like the pita bread!) and the ikan pais/pepes and the Indonesian beefballs. Yummeh! The event also emphasizes on brotherhood in Islam and unity in diversity, and we had a short sharing session about the hadith about how brothers should strengthen one another like a building, I loike! I miss sharing sessions like that. I can't remember when was the last time I attended an usrah session... So all in all, I rather enjoyed myself at the event. Really wished there were more sisters... I brought back 3 postcards from Saudi (one of which is a pic of the Masjid nabawi, I dunno why, I felt so super extra elated and excited upon seeing it! Padahal I'm sure I'd seen the pic alot of times before!) Oh oh, and as usual, I added new games to my catalogue ;) Hehe. We had somekind of an auction game, cool or what! Oh oh, and I wore baju kurung, the second time ever, to school, and I had Chem lab today ehkkk haha.

Yesterday, I actually managed to join Fityan at Ubin! I, didn't get to help paint Cik Kamariah's kampong as I had class in the morning, nevertheless terubat rindu dapat jumpa these brothers and sisters whom I feel like I hadn't met since ages ago! I was really missing them!! I think the last time I met them was during radiate post mortem, which I came very late too, and didn't get to hang out with them. I wasn't satisfied with yesterday either, didn't get to sit down and chat and share stories with them... Awww, I feel so far away in Boon Lay, imagine if I had actually gone overseas to study!

So anyway, it was a challenge to get to Ubin. I ended Bio practical quite late, and as I made my way to Tampines, I was so tired actually... And as I had expected the night before, I wouldn't get a proper breakfast, lunch or brunch... My mum hadn't cooked and Ghufran's stalls were all closed! So with a hungry stomach, I made my way to Changi alone... When I reached Changi, what else?! LUNCH! Bought takeaway nasi lemak, then set at the jetty gobbling down my late lunch... When I went down to the waiting area, I missed a boat and so I had to wait. This tested my patience the most that I was on the verge of crying! I so can't wait to meet my Fityan brothers and sisters and here the apek blatantly refuses to bring out any boat until there is no more and no less than 12 people. The Chinese family of 6 left, and then the Indian family of 4 left, and I actually waited for about 1hr 15mins just to get a boat. I finished 1 whole topic of Main Group Chem notes!! And alot of self-reflection time in the meantime... I have to say... I feel bad for buruk sangka-ing my Fityan brothers and sisters... I dunno, I was just so pissed off at the apek actually. Nothing to do with Fityan haha! Only two out of the whole gang knew that I would be coming and was trying to get a boat to join them. I was really considering of leaving by 4.15pm if the apek still refuses to get the boat out. With such a heavy and deeply disappointed heart, that is. It was about 4.40pm already when I finally set foot on Ubin jetty. Oh my, the flood of memories! All 3 times that I had been to Ubin before was with Fityan. Bittersweet memories :)))

I rented a bike from the normal shop we rent from, assuring the uncle I would return the bike by 6pm before the shop closes (the uncle seems to think I'm gonna overnight at Ubin or something, I think I look like I am really ready to overnight lah with my school backpack plus shoebag, oddly with two flowers in it haha). I was like saying, "Don't worry uncle, I'm just here to meet my friends for awhile, I will surely return the bike by 6pm!" Thinking back about it, I must have sounded like I actually have FRIENDS LIVING in Ubin! Hahahaha.

The feeling of riding alone through the tracks in the drizzle was AWESOME!!!! I feel so belonged! I know the way as if I'd been living on Ubin my whole life! I was so happy upon seeing the first dog on the trail, thinking to myself, "Eh I have a friend!" But then, I did get pretty terrified when this dog decided to follow my trail (yikes! did it just hear my thoughts??! summum bukmum! haha Ati!!!!) and when there's this like 3-4 dogs in a pack in the middle of the road, fuyohh... But I was confident that these dogs are used to people and won't cause harm. Rather I was afraid of getting licked haha.... Oh, I passed a few people along the way, and they really had this curious look on their face that says, "Woah, where is this girl going??" Oh, and really, riding under the trees was like, back to nature, back to nature! I feel so carefree! Eventhough it was really tiring to ride alone up some of the mini hills. Self-motivation... Keep going, keep going! In my mind, I was thinking that the Fityan peeps had already left Cik Kamariah's house and went cycling. I was really considering of dropping by Cik Kamariah's house for awhile for asar prayers and continuing the lone adventure through Ubin finding them haha. And when I turned at the junction of Murai Hut (oh the relieve of seeing that hut!) and saw only 2-3 bicycles outside Cik Kamariah's house, I was already formulating a plan, "Ok, I shall ask Cik Kamariah if she knows where they were heading to. If not, I'd just try my luck at Chek Jawa and if they're not there, I shall turn back and hopefully I don't have to wait till Maghrib for 12 passengers!! ORRR... since there're a few bikes here, perhaps they left some of their belongings at Cik Kamariah's house and I should just wait and chit chat with Cik Kamariah...

It happened that they parked their bicycles behind the house, and everyone had just finished Asar prayers!!! Haha, almost everyone was surprised to see me, "EH MARLIYANA!!" Hahahaha, the expressions!! Even Cik Kamariah was like, "Huh? Awak baru sampai?!" and I can't remember who asked, "How did you get here?? How do you know the way??" Haha, fortunately, alhamdulillah, I am quite quick with learning my directions around. Just after once going to Cik Kamariah's house during Fityan retreat, I already know the way... What more after 3 times right haha.

Oh, and another common question, "Eh! Marliyana, dari mana dapat bunga???" Aku petik along the way -___- haha. Actually I didn't know how to explain. The fact that I took the flower home from Bio lab to study the flower parts is just not self-explanatory. It was a weird and rather unbelievable reason seh haha. So I didn't know how to answer initially. Finally, even when I had the chance to explain to Hanis and Fahmi, they were like eh?? For someone to give me flowers? What a weird combination: one big white lily and one red rose??? Who would give me flowers seh?? As malays would say, "Takde ribut takde taufan..." haha. My birthday was LAST month...

After I did my asar (I missed the ABC: air batu campur!!!!!!!! Wasted...), we took group pic and then cycled away... Woah, it felt extra tiring for some reasons. Previously when I cycled around Ubin during BILL, it wasn't THAT tiring... Oh and I fell as I went too fast downhill at a point. It was so slippery and I was avoiding collision, so I swerved and well, skidded off the track and fell. I didn't realise until much later that I scraped my right ankle, bruished my elbow and have two long gashes on my thigh (now abit swelling and bruised, ow ow). I was really surprised to find two long gashes on my pants. My SILAT pants!!! Aik, I skipped silat, and I got hurt at Ubin wearing the silat pants haha... Oh, and I realised this auto-recovery mechanism that I have been blessed with haha. Similar to the car accident in 2008 (relax je time tu, macam superwoman!! I was so keen on getting back to my lab to finish my experiment that I was refusing to be sent to the hospital?! The driver really must think that I have had a concussion. No one in the right mind would say that, especially when I fell upon being hit by the car, with my books and shoes thrown quite a distance away, with a badly scraped elbow, which stings super badly by the way....), as soon as I fell, I would automatically stand up back as if nothing happened at all! But well, yeah eventhough I can feel the heat on my ankle and elbow (totally didn't realise the gashes though!!), no broken bones. Means I'm perfectly alright RIGHT?? Haha.

Despite all that happened, I really really enjoyed and didn't regret that 1hr plus getaway at Ubin. Jadilah... Off mainland jugak per... :D

Hmm, many more stories to add! FOC stories, school stories, home stories, and many many more! But I'd spent too much time already... I have to pass a group assignment to my friend by tomorrow morning, and I have madrasah exam this Sunday!

Oh oh! My mum was also very curious where I got the rose from HAHAHA! What are you thinking mother??? ;)

Aiya, my MSN can't connect...

I just thought I should jot this down before I forget...

I had a wonderful 21st!!!! I can't say thank you enough to express how grateful I feel to have these people around me :)

As I mentioned, I purposely removed the date from FB profiles. I haven't decided when to put it back. Tmr perhaps? Or end of the month maybe?

It's interesting to see who remembers... Eventhough it is not 100% representative of who cares, since my family themselves only messaged me in the late afternoon/night and yet I am very sure that they care larrrr, but yea it gives me a notion of... well.. who bothers...

I'm especially touched at the amount of effort my friends put into organizing wonderful celebrations for me! I never had such elaborate celebrations before that I can't help smiling so much today. I just feel so happy!!! I feel like I do not deserve such a wonderful treatment from them!

Harizah & Mahmudah spent weeks cracking over how to surprise me, finding the perfect presents, preparing the presents, preparing the surprise and such. They gave me a present on Monday and another on Tuesday and yet another one, along with a pizza & a cookie cake on my birthday! Really, I can really see how much effort they put into the presents and into the surprise (no matter how much Harizah kept slipping and releasing random info accidentally, she's so cute haha)... Really, I guess only the pics would show the effort... And I really love their presents for me! There's a grey cool shawl which can act like a cardigan & vest and I dunno what else - there's 8 ways to fashion it! They got it for me because they know how cold I can get in lectures, brrr.... My fats don't seem to be insulating me well, though yeah maybe the fats are going down a bit considering at how much lesser am I eating these days. I haven't even finished my dinner cum supper! They also made a photo collage in a shape of a butterfly of the pics we had taken together over the past few months we'd known each other. Pretty! And really, they're not easy to make seh! They also got me this zip-zip small bag to put my what-nots that I seem to dump into my bag hehe. And it even has my name on it! Cool! Inside the bag there's some foodstuff, as they know how little food I have in my hall (though not so little anymore after my shopping spree at NTUC last week! Heh) They really tried their best in finding what I need and what I'd like. They got it spot on, I love butterflies! And I really appreciate beautiful stuffs with "effort" literally drawn all over it! And the shawl is soooooooo nice, I really really can't imagine not loving it. Liyana Sukri saw it and instantly fell in love with it larh hehe...

The Bio peeps, eventhough they just found out about my birthday one day earlier, they took the effort to still surprise me. And I'm pretty sure they have another surprise up their sleeves hehe.

The FOC peeps were... HAHA! I love them larh... Poor Faizah aka Maria having to hunt the perfect present for me, and poor Mir too, for having to withstand "You're her roommates, how can you not know??!!" from Faizah haha! They had a cake, a card and even a present for me. Aww... These people are already like a family to me. Time flies, it's almost two months that we have been meeting up!

Amirah... she's so sweet larh! I didn't expect her to decorate our room in that short two hours she had before meeting just now so as to surprise me when we get back from meeting! And eventhough she have to be in Ang Mo Kio early early tmr morning, she accompanied me in opening my presents and listening to my stories. Awww, thank you Mir! And her attempt to find me something that I'd like bore it's fruits. I really like the book she got me ;)

Not to forget Khairiyah (lower sec closest friend), Siti (upper sec closest friend), Cindy (sec sch - the first to remember seh), Kenneth (sec sch), Ad (poly closest friend), Kak Raihanah (poly close friend), Fathi (Fityan closest friend), Jun (Fityan closest friend), Wawan (NI - I treat him like my lil bro), Fatimah (NI closest friend), Kak Fiza (NI), Auntie, Kak Ju who remembered! I am so touched. Especially those people like Cindy, Kenneth, Kak Fiza and Kak Ju whom I really didn't expect would remember :))))

In summary:

I'm so happy!!! :: unfinished tutorials :: Harizah's msg & call :: flower delivery :: 3rd/4th floor :: pizza & cookie cake for brunch :: freedom to suspense :: presents :: Mahmudah's demo :: flower pens :: Izzati & Shikin's wish :: song outside LT :: pronto speech :: paiseh :: Atiqah just finding out :: saw Arep writing card :: paiseh :: cake after Maghrib jemaah :: song & candles :: card-giving :: present :: first impressions :: perangai mafia :: dinner/supper :: perangai Marliyana: makan halfway halfway :: ayam goreng! :: balloons :: surprise in room :: present opening!!!

Masjid Darul Ghufran – Urus Masjid Seperti Urus Syarikat
Posted by rhs

Darul Ghufran Mosque Singapore

Oleh: Rudy Herman Sinen
Disiarkan di: Majalah I (Karangkraf), Julai 2005. In PDF (690KB)

Sejurus tamat pengajian di Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia, Ahmad Khusairi Abidin, 22 tahun, mula berkhidmat sepenuh masa di Masjid Darul Ghufran sebagai Guru Madrasah. Lima bulan kemudian, beliau menyandang jawatan Pegawai Eksekutif Pembangunan Belia dan Dakwah. Tugas barunya ialah untuk mengembangkan kegiatan belia masjid serta melebarkan sayap dakwah kepada belia dan juga masyarakat umum.

Ahmad Khusairi, yang memiliki ijazah kepujian dalam bidang Syariah, merupakan di antara golongan karyawan muda yang sedang bekerja cergas menguruskan program-program Masjid Darul Ghufran. Hasilnya ialah program-program Masjid Darul Ghufran sentiasa innovatif, bermutu dan dapat memenuhi jangkauan jemaah dengan cemerlang.

Masjid Darul Ghufran Singapura terletak di sebelah timur Singapura di kawasan perumahan Tampines. Tampines merupakan sebuah kawasan perumahan yang moden, lengkap dengan 4 buah pusat beli-belah, sebuah sekolah politeknik serta kawasan pejabat syarikat-syarikat berbilang negara.

Jumlah penduduk di kawasan Tampines sekitar 200,000 orang dan penduduk muslim merangkumi sebahagian besar dari jumlah penduduk di sini. Secara purata, penduduk Tampines mempunyai taraf pendidikan pos menengah serta mempunyai pendapatan kelas pertengahan.

Sejajar dengan profil penduduk Tampinies inilah, pihak pengurusan masjid secara berpandangan jauh berusaha untuk mencapai satu visi cemerlang dalam pengurusan masjid.

Darul Ghufran Mosque Singapore

Visi Pusat Cemerlang

Encik Muhammad Effendy Ibrahim, Pengerusi Masjid Darul Ghufran menerangkan, “Visi Masjid Darul Ghufran ialah untuk menjadi pusat pilihan bagi pendidikan dan dakwah.”

Visi inilah yang diterapkan dalam setiap program yang dilaksanakan bagi penduduk Tampines khususnya dan bagi penduduk muslim Singapura secara keseluruhan. Bagi En Effendy, mutu sesuatu program terletak pada sejauhmana ia mencapai matlamat Masjid Darul Ghufran itu.

Beliau berpendirian untuk menjadi sebuah pusat pilihan, program-program yang dianjurkan mesti mempunyai nilai tambah bagi peserta dan juga mesti mampu menjadi peneraju dalam mencetuskan program-program yang bermutu dan kreatif.

Gagasannya besar dan memerlukan satu kaedah pengurusan masjid yang terancang rapi. Untuk mencapai tujuan itu, Masjid Darul Ghufran melakarkan satu rangka operasi yang memberi tumpuan terhadap pembangunan dakwah dan pendidikan. Dua bahagian induk itu disokong oleh satu bahagian Khidmat Korporat yang merangkumi bahagian-bahagian pentadbiran dan sumber manusia, kewangan, IT dan perhubungan, khidmat pelanggan serta pengurusan estet dan logistik.

Dalam bidang dakwah, selain dari mengadakan program ceramah agama yang lazim diadakan di masjid, Masjid Darul Ghufran banyak menganjurkan program-program secara sendirian atau menganjurkan program bersama badan-badan lain, termasuk dengan badan-badan bukan Islam.

Contohnya, Masjid Darul Ghufran bersama City Harvest Church, salah sebuah gereja terbesar di Singapura, dan Persatuan Palang Merah pernah menganjurkan acara menderma darah dan program kesihatan.

Tahun lalu, Masjid Darul Ghufran bersama enam pertubuhan kemasyarakatan yang lain secara kolektif menganjurkan acara Peace One Day untuk memperingati Hari Keamanan Sedunia sekaligus menyatukan badan-badan agama lain dalam satu acara khas.

Kerjasama juga dilakukan dengan National University of Singapore Muslim Society untuk menganjurkan Islamic Awareness Week (Minggu Kesedaran Islam) di dataran bersebelahan sebuah pusat beli-belah di Tampines dengan tujuan untuk memberi penerangan kepada masyarakat umum mengenai agama Islam.

Pada tahun baru hijrah 1426 ini, Majlis Ugama Islam Singapura telah memilih Masjid Darul Ghufran sebagai tempat untuk melancarkan sambutan Maal Hijrah bagi seluruh negara.

Salah satu program yang mendapat sambutan ramai ialah program Bicara Iman. Ustaz Jamaluddin Abdul Wahab, Imam Eksekutif Masjid Darul Ghufran menerangkan, “Konsep program Bicara Iman ialah diskusi ilmiah yang diselang-selikan dengan tayangan video dan sketsa.”

Kunjungan-kunjungan muhibbah juga kerap dilakukan oleh pertubuhan-pertubuhan kristian, buddha dan sekolah-sekolah ke Masjid Darul Ghufran dalam usaha mereka mengenali dengan lebih rapat masyarakat Islam di Singapura.

Darul Ghufran Mosque Singapore

Menarik Ramai Jemaah

Ustaz Jamaluddin akur bahawa salah satu kekuatan Masjid Darul Ghufran ialah jumlah jemaah yang ramai berbanding dengan masjid-masjid lain. Dan perkembangan ini menjadikan staf di Masjid Darul Ghufran lebih bersemangat dan terdorong untuk bekerja keras bagi menyediakan khidmat yang terbaik.

Ustaz Jamaluddin, yang berpengalaman mengajar di sekolah-sekolah agama di kawasan Gombak, Selangor dan Port Dickson, Negeri Sembilan, mendedahkan bahawa banyak masjid-masjid lain yang meminta Masjid Darul Ghufran menganjurkan program bersama dan sebab utamanya ialah kerana Masjid Darul Ghufran mampu menarik jumlah jemaah yang ramai.

Kejayaan Masjid Darul Ghufran dapat menarik ramai peserta dan jemaah untuk menyertai program-programnya adalah satu pencapaian yang memberangsangkan. Adakah mungkin kerana Masjid Darul Ghufran terletak di bahagian sentral kawasan Tampines atau mungkin kawasan perumahan Tampines mempunya penduduk Islam yang ramai?

Ustaz Jamaluddin berpandangan, “Saya rasa ini satu anugerah Allah. Sebab ada masjid yang dekat dengan MRT atau terletak di kawasan orang Islam, tetapi masjid itu lengang saja.”

Selami Masalah Masyarakat

Satu lagi inisiatif Masjid Darul Ghufran yang bakal dilaksanakan ialah menubuhkan satu kumpulan yang diberi nama Wafdul Ghufran (Perwakilan Ghufran). Pada masa kini, Masjid Darul Ghufran mempunyai tiga golongan jemaah yang aktif iaitu golongan warga emas yang dinamakan Syeikhul Ghufran, golongan muslimah dan golongan belia yang dinamakan Fityan Ghufran (Belia).

Konsep di sebalik Wafdul Ghufran ialah untuk menggabungkan tenaga ketiga-tiga golongan ini dan menyalurkan mereka ke tengah masyarakat supaya mereka dapat mendekati dan menyelami permasalahan masyarakat. Melalui pendekatan ini, masjid akan dapat mengenal pasti secara tepat siapakah di kalangan anggota masyarakat yang memerlukan bantuan atau bimbingan.

Melalui Wafdul Ghufran juga, pihak masjid berharap dapat berkongsi formula jayanya dalam bidang dakwah dengan masjid-masjid lain di Singapura.

Menyediakan Khidmat Cemerlang

Dengan peranan masjid yang semakin mendapat tumpuan umum, En Effendy sedar akan peri perlunya menyediakan khidmat yang cemerlang bagi para tetamu.

“Kita mahu sesiapa sahaja yang berurusan dengan masjid pulang dengan rasa lega dan gembira. Lebih-lebih lagi, bagi sebuah masjid, jika ada orang bukan Islam yang datang ke masjid tetapi mendapat layanan yang buruk, bayangkan, apakah pandangan mereka terhadap Islam dan masjid,” ujar Pengerusi yang hampir 10 tahun berkhidmat dengan Masjid Darul Ghufran.

Bagi Masjid Darul Ghufran, menyediakan khidmat yang cemerlang bukan sahaja tertumpu kepada khidmat pelanggan. Malah, tumpuannya lebih luas dari itu.

En Effendy mengulas, “Adakah bangunan masjid mesra pengunjung? Adakah masjid ini diselenggarakan dengan baik? Adakah lelaman web masjid mudah digunakan? Adakah papan tanda di masjid tidak mengelirukan?”

Secara berterusan, Masjid Darul Ghufran berusaha untuk meningkatkan infrastruktur dan kemudahan masjid, melatih tenaga kerja dalam bidang-bidang kemahiran mereka dan melaksanakan program-program yang dapat merapatkan masyarakat setempat kepada masjid.

Sebagai Pengerusi Masjid, En Effendy bersama sepasukan 11 orang anggota Lembaga Pentadbir Masjid dan seramai 50 petugas sepenuh masa sama-sama beriltizam untuk mencapai tiga tumpuan utama dalam pembangunan masjid. Tiga tumpuan utamanya ialah:

1. Kecemerlangan dalam melaksanakan program
2. Kecemerlangan dalam menyediakan khidmat
3. Kecemerlangan dalam pengurusan kewangan

Ketiga-tiga tumpuan ini saling berkait dan kukuh-mengukuhkan. Dengan program yang bermutu, khidmat yang cemerlang serta keupayaan kewangan yang mandiri, Masjid Darul Ghufran terus mengatur langkah untuk terus maju berkhidmat dan menjadi masjid pilihan bagi pendidikan dan dakwah.

Fakta Ringkas Masjid Darul Ghufran

Visi: Untuk menjadi pusat pilihan bagi pendidikan dan dakwah

1. Tarikh dibuka: 7 Disember 1990
2. Majlis perasmian masjid: 1hb Muharram 1412H bersamaan 13 Julai 1991
3. Kos pembinaan: S$6.2 juta
4. Dengan keluasan 0.3 hektar, masjid ini boleh menampung 5000 orang jemaah sekaligus.
5. Pada tahun 1991, Masjid Darul Ghufran mendapat anugerah dalam kategori “Honourable Mention” oleh Institut Arkitek Singapura kerana reka bentuk, seni bina dan struktur masjid yang menarik.
6. Masjid Darul Ghufran dikenali sebagai “The Blue Minaret” (Menara Biru) kerana permukaan luar masjid yang berwarna biru.
7. Lelaman web masjid: http://www.mosque.org.sg/ghufran/

Lembaga Pentadbir Masjid Darul Ghufran

1. Seramai 11 orang anggota Lembaga Pentadbir Masjid Darul Ghufran yang diketuai oleh En. Effendy Ibrahim.
2. Seramai 50 orang tenaga kerja sepenuh masa yang bertugas di bahagian pentadbiran masjid, khidmat korporat, madrasah dan guru Al Quran.

View the article here. to view the pics

I dunno why am I so super duper tired. I think I'd just returned all the sleep I missed for the past two weeks. I feel like I had just come back from a 9 days camp which lacks sleep. It's like worst than the time I went for Pesantren followed by Teenz Camp.

I slept so much that my head hurts, and my ankle too (I'm certain I did not dream of playing soccer like the doctor suggested many years back haha).

I planned to watch movie with my brother seh tonight... But looking at the pile of things still not done, haiz... I think I have to disappoint him AGAIN. :(

I should start on something right now!

Kk last, Kak Faiezah's wedding was splendid! Love the pelamin (both at Ghufran & majlis) and her gown was so niceeeee. There were so many fatayaats that when we took a pic with the pengantin, rasa macam nak roboh. Imagine if we put the kompang boys together with kendarat on the pelamin, woah. Sume orang kita hehe.

Sayang Ust Ahmad's wedding I had to go off early so like didn't get to take pic with everyone...

Who's next? I think it'd be our UK guy haha.

That was my group name for the Fityan Orientation Radiate! over the weekends.

Great people. Great games. Great learning points.

Anisah was my partner in facilitating our group. And my group was made up of Aryani, Hidayah, Nazilah, Atiqah & Amalina. Amalina was the one who came up with the group name. It was hard to pronounce, yet the meaning really described the group well: a spirit of familiarity and trust existing between friends. Some synonyms to the word are: comradeship, fellowship, brotherhood, companionship, togetherness, esprit de corps, good-fellowship, companionability...

To my group, thank you for being very enthusiastic people, for never giving up, for giving your best in everything that you do, and simply for being yourself :) I really hope you guys had fun, and I would really like to apologise for any of my shortcomings.

C for what? CAMARADERIE!

:) I had fun during my weekend. Well, of course uh, it's with the fityan peeps!

And I did something new... I became a faci! These days I just enjoy doing new stuff, perhaps cos I feel I'm tired with the routines. My schedule is so packed with the same thing over and over again...

I would never have been open to the idea of being a faci before this. But come to think of it, I was never really open to the idea of being a teacher either.

It may be because I feel that now is the perfect age to start being a faci that people can trust. I'm not saying that you should be above 20 to be a faci (though that is normally the case in many places), but more of: At this age, I have accumulated enough experience and confidence to carry out the roles of a faci well.

Being a faci means to be up front. To be representing an organisation. To be delivering the objectives of the event and the learning activities of the games well. To be a good role model. To be instilling good values.

That isn't something that anyone can do. It takes skill. And since I have sat in so many faci trainings over the past 2-3 years, I've absorbed some of the skills a faci require theoretically. Yea, eventhough I attended those trainings not as a faci...

Of course I still made mistakes. I have a lot more to learn. But that's all part of the journey right?

Yeah I wasn't the best faci during Fityan Orientation, probably the worst haha, but I gave my best. I am just glad I had a fun and enthusiastic group :) Alhamdulillah.

I hope I get more opportunities to develop my skills as a faci, because I feel that it would help me in being a better teacher later on. Yea, and so I would like to focus on those programmes with pax who're in sec school, to make it more specific and relevant. Depends uh... My other objective of being a faci is afterall to spread the word of da'awah and we shouldn't be choosy on who should or should not receive it. ALL deserve it...

I dreamt I was carrying Nusaibah! Haha tak sabar betul nak jumpa adik yang satu ni, sampai mimipi! Haha, for that matter, missing Aniq & Sakinah as well. That time, the workshop ended late, so didn't get to play kite with Aniq... Sakinah must have grown since I last saw her huh...

I am using the comp at school library, slouching with my head resting on the back of the chair as I type this. Jatuhan yesterday was horrible! Not only could I not execute them properly, I woke up this morning with a very badly aching back and shoulders. And just as I thought I could sleep in to shut the pain away, I had to attend meeting with NIE Foundations Programmes Office (FPO) at 10.30am, awwww....

Meeting the FPO to settle dates and venues for FOC make Fityan camps seem relatively so easy to conduct now haha. After meeting FPO, need to meet NTU Student Affairs Office (SAO) next. *groans*

Then need to come back as a team and finalise which date to take, and what are the implications: clash with another camp or too close to Ramadhan, or in Ramadhan itself, or YOG, or school practicum, woOoOaAaH...

K, I'm just shagged larh, to the point of burning out. I'd been resisting, keep going on and on and push to the very limits... Been stretchingggggggg those limits.

But then again, it's mind over matter. What is the limit? Isn't the limit just a line which YOU yourself draw? There really isn't a limit until you put one yourself.

I may just take a break for one whole day and shut down, hoping that when I restart, all the unsaved data will be recovered. If they don't, then no choice but to start all over again lorh.

The symptoms are here already: not bothering to reply smses, lazying around in the room and end up sleeping instead of doing work, falling back to sleep before 8am and waking up late, eating everything I set my eyes on and feeling like vomiting back everything after that.

Urgh, 8.30am class tmr. Haven't finish tutorial ehk. I had to force myself to do half of it while waiting for silat yesterday, and this morning, I had to force myself to do my laundry, afterwhich the clothes are all in a pail in my room waiting for me to get home to hang them out, cos I woke up late just now.

Having a fever and flu right now. It'll probably be better by Maghrib... And since I have 8.30am class tmr, I'd probably get the fever and flu back, and since class ends early, I might feel better, unless GESL is such a chore. I'm considering whether to go silat tmr or not. We may be having friendlies with MI end of this month, and with NUS probably Mar/Apr. And since I'm not in seni, I'm 1 out of the 6 girls who're purely in tanding, high chance I'd need to tanding in the friendlies.

It's getting extremely cold in here, making the fever and flu worst, so I'd better get out now, and hope to get some work done. Finish that tutorial! Then I'll leave the computer work tmr. Brrrr...

Looking forward to Saturday with Fityan. Still can't decide whether to go IRCC Interfaith talk or not. It be a good time to find a corner for a nap... But they still need 6 more people... Dunno larh!

I miss blogging...

And I... feel... that... I... had... been... too... comfortable in my bubble. I ignore what is going on out there. I refused to listen. I refused to have even a little bit of compassion in my heart. I refused to know...

I hadn't been good this week. Abit out of sorts, been doing some wrong things, I dunno. Astaghfirullah... No good no good. Next week should be better... but....?

I gained some insights on leadership with examples from the khulafa' rasyiduun from the NTUMS Induction Day today. It was interesting how they extracted the trait that they want to deliver then portray it through a simple and fun game :) We even learned more than what they set out for.

And it is always intriguing to hear Ust Noor talk about different views on different issues, as it was too just now at Masjid Alkaff with Teenz Camp personnel. I was tired and only paid attention half the time, but that is enough to make me long to be a better Muslim/Mukmin. Longing for it is not enough though. Maybe if I had been paying more attention, I'd be able to relate the longingness to actions.

Ok, I'm superbly shagged. I survived through the week with sweets. It helps to stay awake in, especially in Organic Chem! I ate 9 in the first lecture in the week, and 6 in the second one. The lecturer can be so draggy. I have yet to attain the level of an exemplary student. Of all lectures, I find myself being so noisy on OC, not making noises and talking and such larh, but because I get so exasperated at her that I would answer her questions loudly. Like if she asked, "are you done?", I would answer yessssssssssssss, when in fact I hardly voice out in other lessons haha.

I think I'm getting more talkative, or brave, or confident, depending on how you see it... Heheh.

Right right, I'm tired. Slept all the way from Pioneer to Paya Lebar just now...

I wanna watch The Mentalist, but.... *tired!!!!*

I think I'll give the 2nd part of induction tmr a miss. I can't take it already, seriously I need a break. I don't think I'll be taking the arabic class afterall. I don't think I have enough energy for it. I dunno lar, I very much want to take it... I feel rugi for giving it a miss... But really, I need to care abit more about my health. I'd been pushing myself to limits all the time, that I feel I may break anytime. No good, no good...

I find myself frowning more than smiling. No good, no good...

I just came back from Novena, had seafood for dinner with my family, my 2nd brother's treat since he received a bonus. Didn't really enjoy the food cos I don't fancy cockles and those spiral snails, neither did the steamed bawal or kangkong entice me. What made me frustrated was that they cut the prawns in half, but didn't remove the black thingy at the back of the prawns! What's the point of cutting in the first place right??!! And the picture showed the butter prawns in crumbs, but turns out: no crumbs, not nice... And the lemon chicken, supposedly the highlight for me, wasn't crispy at all. :( But since it's a treat.... yea... My brother was nice to give me $10, ask me to call mcdelivery or something, though I don't feel like eating already (I had two servings of rice for dinner yesterday, nasi lemak for breakfast today, sphagetti set meal for lunch today and a plate full of rice for dinner just now, that's enough!

I shall treat my family to Sakura Seafood for my birthday, shall order what Ulam Raja ordered for our outing that day!!

I need to go foodstuff shopping at Sheng Siong after school on Monday uhh. Expired biscuits in my room leave me starving... Luckily I didn't have much appetite last week... I wanna buy Munchy Hazelnut tango, blueberry tarts and Hello Panda especially! They just made it top on my favourite food list rather recently haha. The tango since a few minutes ago, the blueberry tarts since the first FOC meeting and the Hello Panda since pesantren haha.

Oh, I was so clumsy on the way to the food centre just now. I was walking while singing and suddenly I tripped, on a big wide curb!!! And the couple behins me laughed at me loudly sehh, so paiseh haha. The guy even commented, "It's so big yet you trip on it!" I notice eh, I tend to hit BIG things alot. Like the big clothes basket in the kitchen when I was young, or the big red alarm system box outside my DRP lab, and this big wide curb... and God knows when else, haha.

I think I'm slowly beginning to get out of my emo-ness. I found some... I-don't-know-what-to-call-it... but yeah, feeling much happier now, though abit too stressed with everything that's going on around me! Maybe partly cos I get to meet some of my Fityan peeps today!!

When most of us have reached our 20s, (at least intellectually, mentally and emotionally) the topic of discussion always seem to end up with... MARRIAGE

I wasn't part of the conversation, since I was still happily and merrily enjoying my zinger, but somehow I got involved in the conversation when Raudah suddenly asked, "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?"

Nasib tak terbegik aku ngan my happy and merry burger tu tau. Tak kena pasal sehh. Yang paling lagi nak terbegikkan adalah people think I am with someone now, an Ustaz for that matter. Even Liyana seems to think if it is true. Aiyoh people, you are my brothers and sisters, how can you still not know me!

Actually, entah eh... even my mum dunno me well enough. On Wednesday, when I went out with my mum, we started talking about how she used to be so scared I can't speak in public. Even up to Sec 4, she wasn't sure I could be vocal. Being in ELDDS in sec school, she thought I'd be just the background (I think she's thinking of trees or something), she didn't know I was in 3 not so small (not major, but certainly not small enough that only 40 prople watch) shows where over 200 people are watching. While in Titisan, she considered my roles as small enough, no doubt they were, and didn't think much about it. Yet, you're facing an auditorium full of people okeh!!

My mum was impressed about me giving the valedictorian speech at Perdaus haflah 2 years ago (ehhh, tak prasan dah 2 years ago!). And I'm like huh? That's (probably my one and only and) the worst speech I'd ever given, I think.

She was most surprised that I joined silat actually. She doesn't believe I have enough 'force' in me to punch/kick anyone. I didn't either, initially, actually. Ask Shikin, or Mir how tak bunyi were my punches and kicks to the padding for the first two months. Then ask Shikin again, and Jun, how I've improved, slight as it may be, after that. Aren't I glad I didn't tell my mum earlier I had joined silat? Confidence would have crashed, and I would have quitted immediately agaknya.

Eh why did I sidetrack so far... Part of the conversation with my mum, she told me that once a chinese woman she knows in the neighbourhood suddenly asked about me (she talks more about my second brother compared to me or my eldest bro) if I have a boyfriend (I really wonder how did she steer the conversation that way???) and my mum said her reply to her was, "She sure has many guy friends within her social circle, but I'm not too sure if she has one who's special." and the woman's reply was, "Can't be don't have..." Waaaah, make my mum doubt me seh. Firstly, why does my mum say I have many guy friends? Many meh? Who are she referring to?? Secondly, if really that's true then waah I have really changed. Ask Siti how many guy friends I used to have in sec sch. Or Ad for poly. (P.S. Ad I miss you so so much!) Hmmm... Thirdly, my mum thiks it is 'possible' even to a small extent that I have a boyfriend??? After all that I learn in madrasah??

Oklah, my mum actually doesn't think my madrasah has improved me at all. Padahal looking back at 12 years ago... even if I may not have been in the wrong set of company (my schoolmates alhamdulillah are all fairly good people since young, and I am especially closer to those who are not minahs and bitches), I would probably not be praying, or wearing tudung, or wearing jubah, or going masjid etc.

And neither does she think that the camps I'd been attending/organising have been doing me any good. Erm, where else could I have earned my vocalness?? Think back to KRC4 (the first impressions I set on most of my Fityan peeps), Camp Xplore 07 (when I totally couldn't talk during the debrief at the end of the camp because I was too choked up with tears being overwhelmed by all the emotions), to Gema Ghufran 07 (bet you don't even remember I was in the committee, typing the minutes half the time, calling and inviting people to come), to Night cycling (I can't even conduct a meeting within my department cos I can't seem to talk, much less lead!) to RYC 08 (when I'd stumble with my words as I try to give instructions for the games) to NI retreat 08 (when I still can hardly talk and deliver what I want to say, I left Mus and Liyana to lead), to NI mukhayyam (starting to brave up, yet Mus and Liyana still had to do most of the talking, to Camp Xplore 09 (where I was vice-chair, conducting a general meeting together with Azz), to RYC 09 (where I had to gather the station masters, some of who were still strangers back then, and explain how the Amazing Race works), to Pesantren Kilat (where I was one of the 3 female group leaders and thus have to maintain control, have to deliver certain instructions from the officers to my group, and sometimes to all the girls at once even, and they were strangers okayyyy, I didn't know a single one of them before the pesantren), I know, I clearly see and I am very much aware how much attending/organising camps have changed me. But nevermind.

Ok, this had unexpectedly turned into a reflection entry. Heheh. But yeah, fact is that la... Even my mum doesn't know me well, she doesn't recognise my potential, she doesn't know my strengths and weaknesses or all my likes and dislikes, neither does she believe I can do it, for anything at all... How can I not doubt myself all the time. Honestly, I still doubt if I can be a good teacher... even after the confident presentation for Critical Perspectives, where we were asked to 'teach' the class on a certain topic in groups of threes, and I felt that my presentation skill was rather good...

Hai.. Let's get back to the initial issue in this entry aite? After asking "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?", next question was "Who do you think can/will settle down within the next two years?"

Aah, the future is so full of unknowns...

10 years ago, who would have thought I'd be in Temasek sec (I only believed I was capable of entering a neighbourhood school, I was thinking I belonged in Springfield Sec!) or 5 years ago, who would have guessed I'd enter poly (after setting my eyes only on JC), or 3 years ago, who would have predicted that I'd join NIE (I truly doubted I could be a teacher. I respect the teaching profession alot, and whenever I hear anyone join the teaching profession, I'd be like "Wow, cool, I can't teach, I don't think I have the patience for it.")... Now, no one, no one can foresee when I'd get married, or to who I'd get married to... And for that matter, when I would die, or how I would die...

The future is so full of unknowns. Nabi Khidir had the mukjizat to know the future. That is probably one of the most dangerous knowledge one can have. It may be one of the most dreaded as well...

Let us just live for today, and treat it as a gift. Forget about yesterday, cos it's all in the past, and don't bother worry about the future cos it'll just give you a migraine...

By the way, I am still CURIOUS!!!! Who... urgh! Nevermind!

I wonder how dreams work. Why do we dream? What causes dreams? I don't want theories. I want to know the truth.

Yet how can we ever know that whatever we know is ever the truth?

I'm still in a dilemma constantly thinking about what is the truth and what isn't....

As the sore throat heals, first you get a scratchy voice with itchy throat that brings tears to your eyes, followed by a 'sengau' voice with lots of phlegm down your windpipe all the way up to the tip of your nose. Eew, but it's a process.

I'm halfway through the book 'Cleo'. It is taking much more time than needed for Twilight. I started on Monday evening... The story is emotional, with alot of comparisons to cat life interestingly put across, as well as insightful yet funny excerpts that makes you go "ya arh...", so it befuddles me as to why I'm taking so long to complete the book. I guess because I don't see where the book is going. First the author talks about the death of her son, then how the cat came, what happens when she got a new job bla bla bla... What can I say, it's a true life story... There's bound to be unexpected turns of events that you do not expect at all in the start. I thought the story would end when the cat has settled down in the house, since the title of the book is the name of the cat, but since when does life ends just because one issue is done? You seem to be facing one life issue after another (if not a couple of issues all at the same time), until death takes you away...

Anyway, finally Ust Fathurrahman replied my inquiry to sit for the exam I missed last year due to KRC when I decided to sms him. The paper is this Sunday! 8.30am @ Jurong West, very near NTU! And I haven't start studying at all! 2 papers of Tafsir Al-Qur'an 1, and then I have to travel back to Tampines for 2 papers of my Kepimpinan Dalam Islam module. One step done: to dig out my Tafsir notes (I seriously need better organisation in my room with regards to allllllll my poly, madrasah, Fityan, NI and whatnots papers... I need to catalogue them haha. It was a chore looking for my Cell Biology & Molecular Genetic notes in my box of poly notes as they're under the pile of Yr 2 & 3 notes, owwww.

I am very sensitive to cigarette smell. I hate it! It seems to choke around the neck and make your eyes bulge out. The taste that reaches your tongue is a very weird bitter-hacking-kind-of taste, bluek. At the time when there's still pillows and bolsters (and less eruptions of pimples on the face) I'd press my nose and mouth hard into one of them to keep out the cigarette smell as I use the comp in the living room. How glad I am that I've a laptop now and can confine myself in the room. Now, this is another reason I don't watch tv...

Hmmm.... For less fortunate people who don't have opportunities readily knocking on their door every few months, they go out and look for the opportunities. And so, wherever they are, they'd be thinking, "What's next?" and planning for it. I like to keep my options open. I like to know that there are options. Without options, it feels like I've reached a dead end. But I won't narrow down the options, until the time comes when it is absolutely necessary to do so. In a way, I simply wait for the wave to hit me and bring me where I'm 'meant' to be next, yet I like to keep a lookout for all the waves that are coming towards me, as far as I can see...

Yeah, as I was thinking about this, Fityan STC talked about it. What's next for STC? I'm not too interested since I'm still new to it, yet I like knowing there's somewhere to go next. I would be getting older year after year afterall, I can't be in a youth comm anymore, though I guess it's nice to stay involved in the youth scene. There's so much you can and need to do, still.

More importantly was the question to ponder upon, where do you see yourself in 3 years time? I dunno! Many many things can happen in 3 years. Just within 1 year, this year, I was in poly, doing SIP/MP, afterwhich I graduated, and then faced joblessness for awhile, before I started part-time work at Geylang East library and then like a big huge wave hitting me, I got carried to NIE. That's just the main skeleton, not to mention my days and weeks and months filled with different activities and... 'changes'. Changes in obsession, for one, haha. But I guess this year is like this because it's the crossroad... This 'eventful' year won't be repeating until about 8 years down the road when I finish my bond with NIE, and may not decide to continue. As I said, I like keeping my options open ;)

Ok, better be going. Have got lots to do before Maghrib~! Minutes and studying for exams mainly :P

Sore throat (which hurts super badly when I sneeze) for the past two days or so and a teeny bit of wheezing this morning... Luckily i can joyfully still swallow my food. I guess I deserve it. Need to account for some of my wrongdoings...

I feel like a hypocrite sometimes, you know... what comes out of my mouth is different from what I do. And i dislike that! Yet, what comes out of my mouth is still the truth. I don't really have another answer... Hmm...

La tahzan la tahzan. Jangan kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, Ali-Imran: 139

I'm not strong enough.

I wish to be a better Muslim, but some of my decisions and actions don't reflect so.

Some important lessons I learned from Twilight are self-control and choice. Of course, in a different context eh! But yeah, self-control and choice... And they're related too. How much self-control you have reflects on the choices you make...

Speaking of choices. My most recent facebook status is: Marliyana Mohd Noor has made the choice early, and i shall stick to it. InsyaAllah I have a purpose, and it will be beneficial. O Allah, please grant me strength to carry through with the choice I had made and to work towards being a better Muslim at the end.

Here I refer to three choices I'd made.

1) A smaller, yet nothing less significant nonetheless, decision to skip the Fityan retreat for the week-long Persantren Kilat from 19-25 Dec @ Masjid Pertempatan Melayu. I really hope that it would be a proper closure to this year, to make me strong enough and disciplined enough for next year. I find that this is more crucial and of higher priority than spending 3 days with my Fityan family, would would probably be beneficial too, though I'm not as sure of it's impact due to the duration, as well as my comfort zone. I need to be plunged out of my bubble, as Dr Jason Chang had put it (aww I miss him haha) when we left for SIP.

2) A choice I had made about 11 years ago. According to my mum, I had wanted to join madrasah(part-time), and I do remember something like my mum warning me that it wouldn't be easy to commit, asking if I am ready to sacrifice some of my time and see through it that I complete my madrasah education, and I had been prepared to multitask to gain the best of both worlds. I'd say I have gone a long way. My eldest brother reached Pri 6 and stopped, whereas my second brother stopped halfway. Myself? I started when I was in Pri 3, making me the oldest in my class in Permulaan at Ghufran last time. Then, since the mudirah was my aunt, I skipped Pri 1 to enter Pri 2 straightaway into a class with a few my age. I remember the joy of completing Pri 6. When I wanted to continue into secondary, my dad didn't see the point of it, yet I was prepared to pay the fees for Perdaus if I really have to. Of course, in the end my dad still paid my fees and textbooks for me, and even send and fetch me every Sunday from class. Now, I am in 2nd year of DPI @ Andalus. Truthfully, I complain alot. I am sacrificing my rest on a Sunday, plus $77.50 per month from my own pocket, since I started NIE. I need to remind myself that it is a choice I had made and have committed myself to. I was first reminded of this when I was given a choice to take up an Arabic course @ Zuhri on Saturdays for the next 2 years. I'm still contemplating...

3) The biggest, and rather, one of my worst worries: My choice to go through with NIE. 8 years is not a simple feat to swallow. I've yet to digest it properly. But I'm in, and there's no turning back. For this, I have a reason for choosing this choice, and I truly believe that I'm meant to be here, that there is a purpose I need to fulfill. InsyaAllah, I have been reminding myself this, and I shall continue to remind myself. I am scared, honestly. But since I'd taken the first step, really, I should just continue walking, if I can't run, or I should even crawl/drag myself if I have too.

This journey I have chosen (which is my life) is NOT gonna be easy, and so I ask Allah for the strength to carry on, to never give up, and to continue giving my best in whatever I do. (Though sometimes I feel so ashamed of asking Allah for anything, for i feel I do not deserve it, yet only to Him I pray, and only from Him I ask.... And He is Most Generous...)

Journey of purpose... During Fityan FLAP, we were asked to ponder and write down and share why are we doing what we do for the youths, and during usrah, we were asked to share our life goals. These set me thinking, and reminded me of my purpose. The purpose I had discovered in sec 4 madrasah, yet only truly believed and try to work towards since I joined Fityan (and probably NI) comm, which always reminds us of our niat...

My plans to reach my life goals are not concrete yet. I should really work on it especially at this time of the year, at this point in my life. I'm gonna turn 21 very soon! My Vision Board, which i did after ITQAN needs to be tweaked ;)

I think the best song to describe all these is:

Bella's Lullaby is a quite a soothing song afterall (the orchestra one instead of just the piano)... At least it manages to calm me down after a wave of emotion. Well, ok Wei Liang's crazy e-mail contributed as well, funny la this guy :D

So yeah, wave of emotion...

No idea why my mum is so lovely in her smses to me when I'm at hostel. Sometimes her msgs remind me of boyfriends messaging girlfriends ~ sweet dreams, sweetheart, semoga ceria ~ you get what I mean.... Probably she misses me too much. Then when I'm at home, aiyoh I always feel like I'd done something wrong. In fact, I don't think I did anything wrong. I always feel interrogated and nagged at.

Like this morning, I told my mum I'm going masjid at 9am for usrah, THEN she tell me there's a wedding invitation. My distant aunt is getting married. Normally, if a wedding invitation falls on a Sunday, and especially if the wedding is not in Tampines, I won't go cos it's too rushing for me to Zohor and rush to madrasah. I don't see why I can't be excused today...

And I dislike people talking to me with arms folded.

Plus my dad is not helping... I don't have a curfew, but I kinda set my own curfews in the sense that if I say I'll be back by 7, I need to be back by 7. This never happened before I started staying in hostel... On thursday I went to NIE with Jamie. My plan was to reach home in time to do my asar prayers before it's time for maghrib. But I was doubtful I could, so I did tell my mum that I may not reach home then. It happened that Jamie wanted to see my hostel, so it took time, and so I prayed asar at my hostel. Otherwise I'd miss my Asar. I reached home around Maghrib and my dad asked in an authoritative tone (though sometimes he likes to 'joke') of why I came back late...

:( This is why I'm feeling rebellious (of which Sylvia says, "Hermione!" haha). Perhaps Twilight is not helping in this aspect, cos it puts back the 'teenager blood' in me when I should be matured and rational like a 20-year-old should be (I can't believe this! Time flies so fast!)

As much as I want to fill my holidays with beneficial activities back-to-back (like attending a 7hr meeting followed by CPR yesterday and how I wish I can attend Fatayaats usrah in the morning, tadarrus then madrasah after zohor followed by TMSN usrah with Dr Bakri after that, which I can't), I gotta sacrifice much. I don't mind spending time with my family if it means having a fun time. But apparently my family's definition of family time is sitting at home, doing your own stuff, of which I'd end up doing something Twilight-ish, which I have to admit is a waste of time and brain cells.

I enjoyed yesterday in the sense that I was reminded time and again of Allah and of our purpose on earth... Of course, with Raudah and her camera, and the rest of the girls, there's surely a mention of Twilight... But at least I can rein myself infront of them. Most of them only have critics for it anyway.

My principle: if you can't beat them, don't join them, but just keep quiet, smile and ignore them haha.

That's what I did anyway for most part of the Twilight discussion, the review of CPR, and the singings in Mohksin's car. Smile... and ignore ;p