Nom nom nom nom nom... *sigh*

My mum said that I act differently at home with family and outside with friends.

Well, to a certain extent I wouldn't deny that. Family is my mahram, I can be comfortable with. Outside with friends there are certain limits to how I act right? At home you can say out your thoughts and feelings openly but outside with friends you may have to filter abit for you have not known them all your life and wouldn't know how they'd take it.

At the same time, I'd say that yes I'm garang at home with my family, and yes I'm garang outside with my friends too, ESPECIALLY when I'm rushing an assignment, my patience and tolerance is really low and anybody near me just gets it. And lately, that is how it is, school has started and so there are assignment after assignments to rush for. And I just don't wish to be disturbed....

And I am very impatient when teaching someone something too (i.e. teaching my mum how to use a new handphone, just as teaching a friend say.... how to plot a graph on excel?) which I'm trying to change la actually since I'm going to be a teacher and I'd definitely need to be patient with the weaker students...

But my mum thinks that I try to be an angel outside and her suggestion that I'm being hypocritic is... hurtful. Just feel that the advice or reminder could have come in a nicer way than a sindiran...

Haiz, another thing is that, this week I'd be home before Maghrib every single day, but when I came home late yesterday (I told her I had bbq with friends, obviously it'd end late...) my mum said I come home late everyday.... That's not fair... That's not true! I'd really been trying to cut down my commitments outside by having no more than say... 2 meetings per week! Of course it doesn't help when meetings start late cos people come late and so we have to end late grrrrrrrr... so angry. I rejected to being the vice-president of NTUMS (as in, I was nominated only lah, not chosen pon but yea I rejected the post out of my own free will) and I ignored the msg to be the finance/business manager of Islamic Awareness Week (sry! I was busy! and yea me and financing/business don't really get along well together... And since I lost my contacts I have no idea who msged... so I just decided to ignore since I'm afraid that if I reply, somehow I'd get dragged into it anyways... It's easier to reject in sms than in a call or face-to-face conversation...) anddddd I also rejected to be the Head of Muslimah for the Tarbiyah subcomm giving the excuse that my commitments in Fityan requires much of my attention already. That's THREE rejects ok. It takes courage to say no, but I have been juggling and I'm sick of being a clown. I'm not being courageous, I'm just being realistic. With my parents being overbearingly erm... like this (I dunno, I guess I was such a free bird when I stayed in hall that I just feel caged and suffocated now when my parents ask what time am I going out, what time am I coming back, who will I be with, where will I be going like everyday... I know I know, girls my age some still have curfews etc and probably get it worse, but yea...) I just have to lessen my commitments outside and be at home more (which I don't really know what to do other than the normal lah, facebook, watch tv, eat, do work, read, sleep, and that is wrong? And I DO talk to my parents, what else is expected of me, tell me!!!! It's not that I don't wanna go out with my mum or family, they just have to tell me earlier so I can plan my time... please, I only go out with friends like once or twice a month... other than that, it's usrah, meeting or camp... which doesn't count. When was the last time I watched movie? In august before Ramadhan? When was the last time I had dinner outside with friends? Ramadhan? When was the last time I went cycling or had a bbq or went to play boardgames or just chit chat? Before yesterday, I can't remember when was the last time... Quite sometime ago seh.

And she said that when I'm at home I always sleep, well you have to understand that 2hrs journey to school and another 2hrs journey home IS very very tiring for me especially with lectures in between that just drains all your energy as it requires attention and thinking! (I'm putting much effort in understanding all those equations that's being churned out in class like nobody's business!) This sem I only fell asleep twice in lecture. That's an achievement, especially when I have to leave house as early as 6.30am like on Mondays. Of course I'd be tired and would sleep when I see the bed!

And that accusation that I always sleep is not right! This week I spend two hours daily at least to sit in the living room, eat, watch tv and chat with my parents during tv advertisements. That's effort on my part! An unrecognised effort at that... But I don't think right now is the right time to say that to them... What with all my brother's weeding preparations and I dunno what other things there are...

But yea, I feel so unappreciated. I feel that none of the good things I do get acknowledged or even recognized at all, yet my wrongs are amplified 1000 times, by my own family! And I don't see no effort in trying to understand me... Just so sad...

La tahzan Marl, la tahzan... I feel so alone in my journey sometimes. Sometimes I would share with some of my close sisters/friends but mostly no, I won't, what's the point? Everyone has problems... So I keep them all to myself and yea, let things past, which they will after some time...

This shouldn't be on my blog, especially if someone finds this and talks to my mum about it (like something that happened before) but I need an avenue to let out. I feel bad typing this here as it is, but it's no use talking to my mum about this now to smooth things out. Whatever I say will be rebutted anyway. But yea I've smsed her some of my thoughts yesterday. I hope she doesn't regard it as 'talking back', I'm just desperate to be understood... I guess this is a typical complain of a erm... youth? Things will get better tmr and probably bad again the next day and good again the next next day etc etc. Things will come to past and when you look back, sometimes you just laugh at stupid things that happen, or realise the whole hikmah of others.

I wanted to talk about the bbq yesterday actually. I was bored most of the time, but simple things in between like playing Scramble and TapTap on Ati's phone with Liy, watching Chamber of Secrets with Ati and Liy, trying out tennis with the bunch of them, playing Codebreaker with Hilmy and Ati, Air Hockey with Hilmy, the birthday cards, the bbq itself and our 11.30pm late gorging of food to finish everything and our midnight HTHT session, they made my day, made my week and eventhough I''m stressed that I didn't complete any work at all yesterday, I enjoyed myself because of the company. I love my FOC peeps...

Oh my camera's fixed. I have my darling back to snap and video 'evidences' hehe. I missed my camera...

Ok, I should either eat, study or sleep like now. Have madrasah later...

I think I shall leave a trace this morning...

Haiz, I was happy over the weekends, see ABIT of development in myself and suddenly on Sunday evening I started getting all disappointed with myself back. :( So sad, when will I ever change, urgh! What will ever cause me to change??? Is Ramadhan not a strong enough reason??? Is death of a close one not a strong enough reason???

This Ramadhan Ust Jamal shared with us a few opportunities that we MUST NOT fail to seize, and they are:
1. The opportunity to seek taubatan nasuha (based on the hadith that Rasulullah saw mengaminkan doa Jibril, penghulu sekian malaikat, di mimbar)
2. The opportunity to be closer to the Al-Qur'an Al-Karim (syahru Ramadhan syahru Qur'an!)
3. The opportunity to manage time better
4. The opportunity to increase in good deeds
because failing to seize these opportunities amounts to getting the displeasure (wai in Arabic or celakalah in Malay) of Allah...

Sounds harsh huh, perhaps it is, but Ust Jamal was sharing this with a bunch of leaders, a bunch of pejuang agama, a bunch of da'ie ila Allah insyaAllah. Who are we to say we are leaders/pejuang agama/da'ie if we are so full of sins at the end of this month, or our hearts are not tied down with His words, or our time management is haphazard, or our deeds are just minimal?

Today marks the 12th of Ramadhan... 8 more days before we reach the last 10 days, 18 days till we meet the end of such a blessed month.

Andai ini merupakan Ramadhan terakhirku...

Anyway, my grandaunt passed away yesterday morning. Not really that close to her, only see her once a year or so. She's been sick for the past 18 years? For as long as I can remember, I only see her on a walking stick, half paralysed, walking very very slowly with the help of the maid. And for just as long as I can remember, each time we meet she would look at my face into my eyes for a long time, and when I salam her she would hold me close and each time she would leave me with some advice. Just as my other grandaunt, I remember them for their advices. Eventhough I can hardly remember what the exact advices are, common ones: study hard, don't go around looking for relationships, take good care of yourselves; I value them...

Yesterday I saw my grandaunt's face, so pale, so serene, so still. My granduncle was the first to tabur pacai (err...?) around her head, and looking at them, I just feel so sebak. I feel for him. He's been taking good care of her and now she goes, to return to Allah... I see my aunts and uncles and cousins continue to tabur pacai and I feel for them. What if it's my own mother there? Or my own grandmother? How it feels to see their pale face one last time and never to see it again afterwards except in pictures, videos and memory... Never able to talk to them again... Never to kiss them again... Never to see their smile again...

People leave us... No matter how close we are, how much we love and care for them, one day they WILL no doubt leave us... (Or we leave them first we don't know either) It's about how much we treasure having them around, being able to talk to them and seeing them smile... And it's about remembering that nothing, absolutely NOTHING is kekal in this world. There is only ONE who is kekal. And it's about remembering what are we here on this earth for again... All of us have a predetermined limited time given to us, all of us WILL go someday. The question is, what will be our state that we leave the world in, and will our deeds be enough when it's time to go?

Finally, I was able to collect my passport this morning. Yay.

In the afternoon (after settling some FOC matters), off I went to JB with my parents and 2nd bro. I think I'm very chatty today, despite the ulcer and itch bump on my lip haha. Too wound up I think, so need to wind down heh.

The jam was rather bad, stuck at causeway for about an hour and a half? Afterwhich we made our way to Jusco. Performed our Asar, and I realise that I don't like Jusco. It feels too much like Vivo, like Sg. Nothing different, yet I was lost in the sea of people... Don't like. So after grabbing some snacks, off we go to Angsana, aaaah.... a familiar place.

Oh we got kinda lost. Enter this highway, exit into another highway, enter another highway, exit into highway. It seems like there's highway everywhere! And the signs are ridiculously confusing. It seems that you're heading to Johor AND Kuala Lumpur at the same time wherever you go. Err, yikes? So we just went around and tried our best to identify the common landmarks and finally we reached (punyerlah excited biler nampak UO sign then the Angsana sign, then the familiar bowling pin at the top haha)

My parents were bickering like almost all the way haha. Cute, but frustrating at the same time arhs.

I enjoyed myself at Angsana, and I don't feel satisfied... I wanna go there again. I only found 2 things that I was looking for. It was so frustrating that all the right kind of shoes that I was looking for are out of stock for my size! And since we reached quite late, around Maghrib, minus time for rayers and dinner and grocery shopping, we only had a short time to shop. :(

Along the way, I was reminded suddenly of Aku & Dia 2 Camp (I was blabbering nonsense half the time in the car) and I think I should post about my experience here. Next time perhaps. It's time to.... sleep!

On June 30th, it was my mum's 55th birthday. I had asked her out. I had planned to make her happy all day. Unfortunately, I came home late the day before and so I was really tired in the morning and slept back after Subuh prayers. At 11 plus, my mum appeared at my doorway scolding, why wasn't I awake yet and why didn't I answer the phone?? I only gave her a smile, as that's the best I could afford. In my heart, I was scolding myself too, "You wanted to make her happy!!"

I quickly jumped out of my bed to get ready to go out. On the table, I saw a cake. My mum bought it for herself. I was angry that I wasn't the one buying it for her. The night before, near midnight, I just came back, and I gave her a simple birthday present, a big box of Toblerone chocolate (along with memories of my childhood with her, though it wasn't written, neither was it spoken).

My mum said that she had been waiting at a doughnut shop all morning. She wanted to give them out to her friends. But since the doughnut took so long, she decided to buy a cake instead. It was a really pretty and yummy cake.

I wanted my mum to cut the cake infront of her friends, to make it look like a birthday party, to make her happy, but she said it herself, it would take too much time. Plus we'd want to leave some cake at home.

So it was a small party. Just my brother and I with our mum. We took pictures. We sang the birthday song and she cut the cake.

Fastforward...

We went to Metro at Paragon. She'd been wanting to find white shoes. And I wanted to make her happy. So we shopped. And then we went to look for my dad's birthday present skali. And we had lunch, my treat. It was great to see her happy.

We went to Asar at Al-Falah. This is epic.

I couldn't help it. All I wanted is to make her happy, that day, everyday. But sometimes it's just hard. That Asar, it suddenly struck me. My mum has turned 55. That's not young. Not at all. What if, that day was the last day for me to make her happy? What if, those pictures we took were the last pictures I'd have of us together? What if, that smile I gave her was the last smile I'd ever give her?

When I parted with her, she went to meet my grandma while I was going to school for IS, I just felt... I dunno...

Indeed I am scared of losing my mum. I felt it before. She went for hajj when I was in primary 4, and I cried and cried. I never want to feel that again, but I probably would. Unless, of course, if I were to go first...

I hope I'm enough of an anak solehah to have a place for her (and my dad) in jannah. She deserves it. For everything that she has done, that she has sacrificed...

I didn't realise I'm missing my mum's cooking so very the much that her normal-nothing-special nasi goreng tasted like the best food in the world! I just don't know how to tell her haha

As I sat down on the train feeling so exhausted (I didn't sleep the whole night, and day, except short naps, those that you kinda doze in and doze out between consciousness and unconciousness) I thought to myself, "Perhaps this is how it is for those married career women/those working mothers...." I had 8.30am lecture till 11.30, which I kept nodding off, luckily I've learned the topic before in poly (tersenggok-senggok tapi notes tetap tulis kay!: invaluable akill...) afterwhich I had to man the NTUMS-Perbayu FOC fundraising booth at NTU, supposedly till the booth closes (but I couldn't take it already as I wasn't accomplishing anything and I was falling asleep at the booth anyway!) I didn't do any work (attempted to summarise for ALS but...) as I was addicted to solving the IQ puzzles on ZAHADA. Cool game! I'm at level 23! Had to get check the cheat sheet a couple of times except a few. And there were a few that I had to seriously google for the direct answer cos I really have no idea! I'm stuck at level 23 now, sheesh. And I really shouldn't visit that site anymore tonight...

Oh after studying last night, we played one round of Monopoly Deal and I won! Happy!!! I was shaking after the game seh, from excitement and from serious lack of sleep...

This sunday if I don't have to relief for Teens @LIVE (my first!!), I'm so gonna spend the whole day sleeping, cos there's no madrasah!

Ok, I need a power nap now... The power nap I had in the train is not gonna last me much longer oredi...

I just thought I should jot this down before I forget...

I had a wonderful 21st!!!! I can't say thank you enough to express how grateful I feel to have these people around me :)

As I mentioned, I purposely removed the date from FB profiles. I haven't decided when to put it back. Tmr perhaps? Or end of the month maybe?

It's interesting to see who remembers... Eventhough it is not 100% representative of who cares, since my family themselves only messaged me in the late afternoon/night and yet I am very sure that they care larrrr, but yea it gives me a notion of... well.. who bothers...

I'm especially touched at the amount of effort my friends put into organizing wonderful celebrations for me! I never had such elaborate celebrations before that I can't help smiling so much today. I just feel so happy!!! I feel like I do not deserve such a wonderful treatment from them!

Harizah & Mahmudah spent weeks cracking over how to surprise me, finding the perfect presents, preparing the presents, preparing the surprise and such. They gave me a present on Monday and another on Tuesday and yet another one, along with a pizza & a cookie cake on my birthday! Really, I can really see how much effort they put into the presents and into the surprise (no matter how much Harizah kept slipping and releasing random info accidentally, she's so cute haha)... Really, I guess only the pics would show the effort... And I really love their presents for me! There's a grey cool shawl which can act like a cardigan & vest and I dunno what else - there's 8 ways to fashion it! They got it for me because they know how cold I can get in lectures, brrr.... My fats don't seem to be insulating me well, though yeah maybe the fats are going down a bit considering at how much lesser am I eating these days. I haven't even finished my dinner cum supper! They also made a photo collage in a shape of a butterfly of the pics we had taken together over the past few months we'd known each other. Pretty! And really, they're not easy to make seh! They also got me this zip-zip small bag to put my what-nots that I seem to dump into my bag hehe. And it even has my name on it! Cool! Inside the bag there's some foodstuff, as they know how little food I have in my hall (though not so little anymore after my shopping spree at NTUC last week! Heh) They really tried their best in finding what I need and what I'd like. They got it spot on, I love butterflies! And I really appreciate beautiful stuffs with "effort" literally drawn all over it! And the shawl is soooooooo nice, I really really can't imagine not loving it. Liyana Sukri saw it and instantly fell in love with it larh hehe...

The Bio peeps, eventhough they just found out about my birthday one day earlier, they took the effort to still surprise me. And I'm pretty sure they have another surprise up their sleeves hehe.

The FOC peeps were... HAHA! I love them larh... Poor Faizah aka Maria having to hunt the perfect present for me, and poor Mir too, for having to withstand "You're her roommates, how can you not know??!!" from Faizah haha! They had a cake, a card and even a present for me. Aww... These people are already like a family to me. Time flies, it's almost two months that we have been meeting up!

Amirah... she's so sweet larh! I didn't expect her to decorate our room in that short two hours she had before meeting just now so as to surprise me when we get back from meeting! And eventhough she have to be in Ang Mo Kio early early tmr morning, she accompanied me in opening my presents and listening to my stories. Awww, thank you Mir! And her attempt to find me something that I'd like bore it's fruits. I really like the book she got me ;)

Not to forget Khairiyah (lower sec closest friend), Siti (upper sec closest friend), Cindy (sec sch - the first to remember seh), Kenneth (sec sch), Ad (poly closest friend), Kak Raihanah (poly close friend), Fathi (Fityan closest friend), Jun (Fityan closest friend), Wawan (NI - I treat him like my lil bro), Fatimah (NI closest friend), Kak Fiza (NI), Auntie, Kak Ju who remembered! I am so touched. Especially those people like Cindy, Kenneth, Kak Fiza and Kak Ju whom I really didn't expect would remember :))))

In summary:

I'm so happy!!! :: unfinished tutorials :: Harizah's msg & call :: flower delivery :: 3rd/4th floor :: pizza & cookie cake for brunch :: freedom to suspense :: presents :: Mahmudah's demo :: flower pens :: Izzati & Shikin's wish :: song outside LT :: pronto speech :: paiseh :: Atiqah just finding out :: saw Arep writing card :: paiseh :: cake after Maghrib jemaah :: song & candles :: card-giving :: present :: first impressions :: perangai mafia :: dinner/supper :: perangai Marliyana: makan halfway halfway :: ayam goreng! :: balloons :: surprise in room :: present opening!!!

My mum is so cute...

"Gi Australia $400 je?! Jadi yang kelmarin kau cakap $1000 tu semua termasuk ah? Pergilah! Selagi persahabatan tu masih baru...."

"Eh $400 je? Mama pon boleh pergi. Aah eh daripada mama gi masuk hutan, baik jalan2 kat Australia."

"Kau pergi ah Australia. Mane tau dapat jodoh pat saner... Boleh mama jalan2 kat Perth."

"Kawan kau nye abang ke, sepupu ke, sedara mara ke..."

Mak ooooo mak ku sayang.... HAHHAHA

How the topic got there was quite complicated. We were talking about my brother's wedding, then it went to her best friend's youngest son wanting to get married and her question if I have anyone special, to my second brother's marriage, to the air fare to Surabaya, to yea air fare to Australia....

Confirm abg aku nak kawen!!! Nikah Date: 20.10.2010 hehe

My mum ngah plan with my other brother, nak sandingkan together on Sunday of that week.

Yang excited aku pulak haha :P

Wow the future is so uncertain!

My mum just entered the room to say, "Ade berita tergempar, nak dengar?"

Turns out my eldest brother plans to get married this October! Alhmdulillah, lagi cepat lagi bagus!

Then, there's a possibility my parents, my other brother and myself will be moving out... But my mum and I agreed that whatever happens, Tampines is our homeland! haha. But my mum don't wanna move larh, she loves this house. I like this house too, accessible... Though I don't mind new environment, as long as in Tampines. Hmm... I seem to have a thing for new things these days. I'm bored of doing the same old thing I guess...

Then, there's a possibility, eventhough unlikely, of my other brother getting married as well, cos my parents has always thought of putting them on the pelamin together. Easier. :D

We'll see how things go.

I just came back from Novena, had seafood for dinner with my family, my 2nd brother's treat since he received a bonus. Didn't really enjoy the food cos I don't fancy cockles and those spiral snails, neither did the steamed bawal or kangkong entice me. What made me frustrated was that they cut the prawns in half, but didn't remove the black thingy at the back of the prawns! What's the point of cutting in the first place right??!! And the picture showed the butter prawns in crumbs, but turns out: no crumbs, not nice... And the lemon chicken, supposedly the highlight for me, wasn't crispy at all. :( But since it's a treat.... yea... My brother was nice to give me $10, ask me to call mcdelivery or something, though I don't feel like eating already (I had two servings of rice for dinner yesterday, nasi lemak for breakfast today, sphagetti set meal for lunch today and a plate full of rice for dinner just now, that's enough!

I shall treat my family to Sakura Seafood for my birthday, shall order what Ulam Raja ordered for our outing that day!!

I need to go foodstuff shopping at Sheng Siong after school on Monday uhh. Expired biscuits in my room leave me starving... Luckily I didn't have much appetite last week... I wanna buy Munchy Hazelnut tango, blueberry tarts and Hello Panda especially! They just made it top on my favourite food list rather recently haha. The tango since a few minutes ago, the blueberry tarts since the first FOC meeting and the Hello Panda since pesantren haha.

Oh, I was so clumsy on the way to the food centre just now. I was walking while singing and suddenly I tripped, on a big wide curb!!! And the couple behins me laughed at me loudly sehh, so paiseh haha. The guy even commented, "It's so big yet you trip on it!" I notice eh, I tend to hit BIG things alot. Like the big clothes basket in the kitchen when I was young, or the big red alarm system box outside my DRP lab, and this big wide curb... and God knows when else, haha.

I think I'm slowly beginning to get out of my emo-ness. I found some... I-don't-know-what-to-call-it... but yeah, feeling much happier now, though abit too stressed with everything that's going on around me! Maybe partly cos I get to meet some of my Fityan peeps today!!

Bella's Lullaby is a quite a soothing song afterall (the orchestra one instead of just the piano)... At least it manages to calm me down after a wave of emotion. Well, ok Wei Liang's crazy e-mail contributed as well, funny la this guy :D

So yeah, wave of emotion...

No idea why my mum is so lovely in her smses to me when I'm at hostel. Sometimes her msgs remind me of boyfriends messaging girlfriends ~ sweet dreams, sweetheart, semoga ceria ~ you get what I mean.... Probably she misses me too much. Then when I'm at home, aiyoh I always feel like I'd done something wrong. In fact, I don't think I did anything wrong. I always feel interrogated and nagged at.

Like this morning, I told my mum I'm going masjid at 9am for usrah, THEN she tell me there's a wedding invitation. My distant aunt is getting married. Normally, if a wedding invitation falls on a Sunday, and especially if the wedding is not in Tampines, I won't go cos it's too rushing for me to Zohor and rush to madrasah. I don't see why I can't be excused today...

And I dislike people talking to me with arms folded.

Plus my dad is not helping... I don't have a curfew, but I kinda set my own curfews in the sense that if I say I'll be back by 7, I need to be back by 7. This never happened before I started staying in hostel... On thursday I went to NIE with Jamie. My plan was to reach home in time to do my asar prayers before it's time for maghrib. But I was doubtful I could, so I did tell my mum that I may not reach home then. It happened that Jamie wanted to see my hostel, so it took time, and so I prayed asar at my hostel. Otherwise I'd miss my Asar. I reached home around Maghrib and my dad asked in an authoritative tone (though sometimes he likes to 'joke') of why I came back late...

:( This is why I'm feeling rebellious (of which Sylvia says, "Hermione!" haha). Perhaps Twilight is not helping in this aspect, cos it puts back the 'teenager blood' in me when I should be matured and rational like a 20-year-old should be (I can't believe this! Time flies so fast!)

As much as I want to fill my holidays with beneficial activities back-to-back (like attending a 7hr meeting followed by CPR yesterday and how I wish I can attend Fatayaats usrah in the morning, tadarrus then madrasah after zohor followed by TMSN usrah with Dr Bakri after that, which I can't), I gotta sacrifice much. I don't mind spending time with my family if it means having a fun time. But apparently my family's definition of family time is sitting at home, doing your own stuff, of which I'd end up doing something Twilight-ish, which I have to admit is a waste of time and brain cells.

I enjoyed yesterday in the sense that I was reminded time and again of Allah and of our purpose on earth... Of course, with Raudah and her camera, and the rest of the girls, there's surely a mention of Twilight... But at least I can rein myself infront of them. Most of them only have critics for it anyway.

My principle: if you can't beat them, don't join them, but just keep quiet, smile and ignore them haha.

That's what I did anyway for most part of the Twilight discussion, the review of CPR, and the singings in Mohksin's car. Smile... and ignore ;p

Actually I'd been having great days since last Sunday (will say later)

But hmm... Adalah a few happenings which makes me sad. Like the passing of Junaidah's nenek yesterday (marilah kita sama2 sedekahkan Al-Fatihah padanya semoga rohnya di tempatkan di dalam golongan org yang dimuliakan ALLAH... sry Jun my mum tak kasi hadir tadi pagi...), and Ad's confession (thru K.Maryam) this afternoon and ya there's one more. People in my close surroundings are feeling down, mane boleh I'm not affected kan? Gakkan time happy je kita tompang happy, time sedih pon kita share sesama juga semoga bebanan (jika ada) yang dirasa lebih ringan dan mudah dipikul...

It's like a slap in the face... Apa tak nye, my mum had been nagging at me about it since I came back from my camp marathon. K.Maryam I'm going through the same thing as you sis... Though yours came from your bro in a joking manner. Mine was SERIOUSLY like a slap in the face.

I've been so busy with events/camps and running here and there and everywhere filling every single second of my life with planning for them sacrificing sleep and eat and all that I fail... in my responsibilities to those close to me. I have defiitely failed in my duties as a daughter for the past at least 4 months (since final planning stage for night cycling). And as a friend, I think I've failed for the past year at least. I truly wish to apologise to these people, but I'm too egoistic I suppose.

My school results too hadn't been 'cemerlang' lately... Padahal studying is an ibadah too. Speaking of ibadah, my solat hadn't been cemerlang either. And when was the last time I puasa sunat? Entah lah. Nama je pergi Kem Remaja Cemerlang (KRC) tapi tak cemerlang dalam aspek2 kehidupan langsung, apa dah.

We KRC participants attended a post-KRC gathering last Sunday night and we drafted out a 'Fityan ikrar' which Ust Irwan will compile. In the meantime, this is my ikrar for short-term:

Aku, sebagai seorang Muslimah yang ingin cemerlang di dunia dan di akhirat berikrar untuk
-tidak melewat-lewatkan waktu solat
-mengutamakan urusan di rumah sebelum urusan di luar
-rajin belajar dan mengulangkaji pelajaran untuk ujian DAN peperiksaan
-peka atas keadaan orang-orang di sekeliling
-membantu mereka yang memerlukan
-memberikan usaha 110% dalam apa jua urusan

Tak banyak, sikit je, 6 je inti ikrar, but I'm sure it'll be hard to carry it out. And therefore I ask for the help of my dear friends to support me and remind me of this ikrar at all times and to be patient with me if I get pissed off at you for reminding as well as to understand my situation.

To top it up... Ya Allah, yang Maha Berkuasa dan Maha Mendengar, berilah aku kekuatan untuk melawan nafsu yang boleh membawaku ke kerosakan kerana diri ini amat lemah sekali, selalu terdorong untuk melakukan kemunkaran...

I have reorganised my priority from:
1. Fityan Ghufran
2. Nur-Ikhwan
3. Kawan-kawan
4. Pelajaran: Biotech & DPIA
5. Pengurusan diri
6. Keluarga

to:
1. Pengurusan diri
2. Pelajaran & Keluarga
3. Kawan-kawan
4. Nur-Ikhwan
5. Fityan Ghufran
(with effect from tmr, I'm so tired today!)

My dear Fityanees, it's not that you won't see me around at all, but most likely I'll just be participants or tukang sebok. I won't be able to be part of the organising comittee for the upcoming events (most likely till around February or even as late as May next year). Gonna miss you guys... :'(

My dear NI-ans, I know I've accepted the responsbility entasked to me and NI should be at a high priority but I am not able to do that. I HAVE TO lessen ny commitments outside... But as in my ikrar, insyaAllah I'll give my 110% where possible.

My dear friend... Ad, sorry if I'd been too busy being everywhere that I couldn't be with you much as like in First Year. I do wish for myself to be as diligent in my studies and I will try to help you out wherever I can like how it was in First Year. Do not hesitate to ask for help when you need it. Yes I may sound frustrated sometimes (most of the times I guess) but insyaAllah I'll help. We'll start studying early k? Sett?

My dear friend... Siti, I know you don't read my blog but I wish to write it here anyways... Hey, so sorry to have to decline the past few meet-ups you suggested. I'm sry i hadn't been able to be with you lately to go visit the unis, to have your hair cut etc... InsyaAllah we'll meet up one of these days and chill together yes? Miss the sec school days so much, esp the times we'd sit together on bus 10 to catch the anime every morning on the way to school and sitting in the parade square listening to the ending on my hp radio...

Erm... Shall we go to the happy side of things now??

Oritez! Sunday afternoon, was soooooo glad DTalk went by smoothly and eventhough we forgot to take a pic as a whole together and I had to rush off halfway and I looked stressed (cos I had to rush off for an exam which I couldn't finish studying for and neither did I finish my tugasan2 uh no), deep inside I was feeling light and relieved and just glad that it's over!

Faraidh exam was do-able! Whohoo~ I might even score for it, insyaAllah ;) And.. I saw my results for last term: A- for Musthholah Hadith and A for Sejarah and Tamadun Islam! Ok, wish I had an A for Mustholah but hey, alhamdulillah seh! I thought I'd fail...

Post-KRC gathering was ok I guess. Ust, nak tengok video!!! Bila boleh siap? The session was spent on 'Langkah Bermula' to set our collective 'ikrar'.

Yesterday... LAST duty was heck. Had to clean 6 rabbit cages, eww~ But luckily erm... what's that guy's name? Nvm. He helped us transfer the rabbits and so a 40mins task was cut down to 10mins yay! Finally had to identify the mice numbers, total of 15 mice I think, aiyo~ so hard to identify in the end just hantam only larh!

BPT tut and lec, I slept through both, oh my... I was seriously sleepy la k... Missed out quite alot, erm oh well... This is like what, my 3rd or 4th time sleeping while teacher is talkingg THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. InsyaAllah it won't become a bad habit.

Received BPT term test paper back blergh! 29/50. Thought I'd fail... But after seeing how the rest of my class did (Thilini got 47/50 ok!) 29/50 is as good as a FAIL for me la ok...

Today... Cleaned abit of my room. Now I can sleep spread-eagled on my bed! No larh, I won't do that.. Then I kinda accidentally skipped TE lecture. My brainwaves still haywire, but hey I'm not the only one! Mr Cheung larh kept changing the timing. I honestly seriously thought it start at 1 instead of 12 -_- Ada hikmah tu, got to clean my room, and... Mr Cheung spent half his time talking 'crap' amidst his announcements according to Ad anyway. Oh got my TE paper back. Alhamdulillah not bad...

Dah tu je.

Sry masih malas nak update about my 3 camps... To get an insight, read K.Maryam's blog. We went through rouhly the same thing..

K back to CSAS zzzzzzzz....

Ok lah, I realise I'm being so petty in my previous post. But it really makes me feel better to be able to get it out tau. Memang my purpose of writing that is not to menyalahkan sesiapa (no names were mentioned), especially when I think about it, mungkin others ade sebab mereka ketika meremehkan perasaanku ketika itu. It could be that memang ade yang lebih penting dari my asking for help time tu. I understand that the camp was very rush rush. Time is a major factor.

Along the way pon, memang I'm pretty sure I treated others the same way too. I mean in my rush to complete tasks I could have mislooked others' needs as well. It happens. And I'm not blaming anybody. I've forgiven =) though forgetting is another matter, especially when it taught me a painful lesson. Once again, I'm sorry the previous post had to be the opening to all the great things that happen during KRC. I saw the pictures posted and I can't help smiling lar. =D There were many fun activities done together with friends whom we regard as family throughout the whole camp and after. Even in families there are times we forget about one or more of the members of our family.

Huhu, I'm guilty of that... That's why amongst the things I wrote, there was one sentence saying I'm disappointed with myself as a daughter. I know there are many times I prioritise other things above family even though I claim that family comes first no matter what. Hmm... Ni pon tengah serba salah ni. I'm trying to complete my D'Talk tasks and so I had to refuse my mum to accompany her to go pasar malam =( Feel bad about it lar... Kalau nak explain to her, nanti she say yelah kalau kat luar bersungguh-sungguh, kat rumah dengan family sume takde. Sedihx dengar ='( Kekadang ade benarnya. But I'm seriously torn between responsibilities. I think it all comes down to niat... entah eh?

But I try larh. More so after returning from KRC. Like on Wed, my dad was taking a flight to Bangkok at 6.15 but he was reporting to airport at 3 nd at 3 I was still at An-Nahdhah baru habis solat after D'Talk meeting. Alhamdulillah I managed jugak to send my dad and I made him SMILE wideeeely cause of something I said!

"Take one step at a time, there's no need to rush, it's like learning to fly or falling in love... it's your faith that makes you stronger" - Currently listening to the song on Liyana's blog.

Makes sense. Maybe I'm rushing with too many things at once.

There was an anonymous letter I received during KRC which says something like it's good that I'm always thirsty for knowledge but I should go slow so as not to get too stressed. Hmm, ade betol. Sape eh tulis letter tu? There were two letters which I really dunno who they came from. To all who gave me letters giving words of appreciation and/or encouragement, I thank you =)

Sorry kawan2 I couldn't update about KRC properly yet or even post pictures, I am currently rushing against time...

So, the best I can do is to link to others la yerh?
Sis Maryam's multiply - pics
Ustazah's blog
Ustazah's multiply - pics
Fahmi's blog
Jun's blog - pics

Waiting for Raudah, Liyana, Lina, Hidayah, K. Maryam, Zee, Hanisah, Hasanah, Azraie and meeee to update lol. Hoping to find my 'new friends' blogs. Hehe, google search soon.

Currently uber excited and nervous about D'Talk. It's tonight! Lup dub lup dub... Brrr... Eyoeyoeyo... Uh oh... Argh!!! K nvm, you won't understand ;)

And I can't wait for this Sunday KRC gathering!!! Psst, dun show my snorkeling video tau, sungguh memaluuuuuukan!!!! I was so surprised to see it on the screen during the Penutup for KRC on our last night at Redang. Paiseh la seh, betol macam penyu :P

I want a looooooooooooooong looooooooooooooong loooooooooooooong break, can? From school, from CCA, from events, from camps, from classes EVERYTHING. I wanna hibernate.

Waaaaaah! I have so many things to do!

Actually I'm just being paranoid lah. I tend to be like this sometimes. I have so many things to do, yes, but some are due later while others need to be prioritised first yet I tend to longgok everything together and stress over nothing. This is when thinking too much about the 'future' is bad for you.

Must think (and do something) about the present more!

(I took 10mins to talk to Ad 'cause I'm feeling so tired and so my brain function and my speech is sooooooo slooooooow. Aiseh~)

Schoolwork:
TE lab 2 lit review - intro (Mon)
TE lab 1 materials method, discussion - intro (Mon maybe)
BPT tut 2 (Mon)
BPT project launch (Mon)
SIP form (by Tues)
RTecB topic 2 lecture quiz (on Wed or Thurs)
BPT post-lab (on the spot on Wed)
CSAS (in 2 weeks time - Wed)
LAST 10 animals (Thurs)

Hack!

Others:
Sponsorship (tonight) - tak habis2 lagi!
Elaborate Dakwah topic, plan activity and contact speakers (by Thurs)
Faraidh Research - Sg context (by Sun)
Tugasan Faraidh - cucu lelaki pada anak lelaki (in 6 weeks time) - 3pg
Tugasan tafsir - Al-Fatihah (in 6 weeks time) - 5pg

Schedule:
Monday: gimme a break
Tuesday: Camp Xplore meeting
Wednesday: Titisan
Thursday: D'Talk prog meet
Friday: mixed usrah
Saturday: Climb I.G.M and Nite Cycling Appreciation Nite
Sunday: Madrasah

Happenings/Birthdays in May:
2nd May: Bro Mohksin's birthday
11th May: Mothers' Day
11th May: Fathi's birthday
13th May: Kak Dessy's birthday
13th May: Bro Asrul's birthday
16th May: library books due
16th May: mixed usrah
17th May: Saff Climb I.G.M
17th May: Nite Cycling Appreciation Nite
23rd-24th May: D'Talk workshop for organisers

Why don't I feel lega it's all out of my system???

What's taking up my June holidays:
9th June: LAST husbandry stuff (no it's not a course to find a husband whatsoever okeh)
11th-12th June: Camp Xplore
13th-16th June: KRC
17th-19th June: gimme a 3-day break la, is that too much to ask for?
20th-22nd June: D'Talk

Having fun seems a chore to me...

Been running a marathon since Apr 1st and I must keep pushing myself till the end point - which will be the starting point of another race I'm sure (eg. exam, SIP, some event...) I should really consider taking up logistics (NOT fnb k) for the next event...

What I really WANT:
hibernate
sleep
clean my room (I can't believe I'm saying I wanna clean it, normally its 'I need to clean it)
catch a movie (my mum ajak tengok Ayat-ayat cinta and I shrieked, "NAK!!"
read a novel - a Malay novel by Habbiburrahman (can't believe this also!)
meet Sylvia & Khairiyah (their birthday presents are long due!)
write sylvia a letter
go jalan2 with my mum without having to worry about ANYTHING
donate blood (tak puas hati ar the first time round)
cekik somebody (just kidding!)

This ^^^ is the reason why I put "O u who believe! Strengthen uselves with resolution and prayer. Indeed Allah is with those who persevere in adversity 2:153" as my MSN nick, I really need to reemind myself at all times. Soon, my mum is gonna hang a 'Dengan nama Allah' carved wood in my room so I can remind myself to do everything in his cause at all times.

I'm loving Allah, Rasulullah, Islam, my parents, my friends and even myself more and more, but I feel that I fail to show it. Not show to show off kinda context. But show in my actions gitu. Now, I feel like my actions are not in line with what I believe gitu. Susahlah nak explain!

Issues I need to resolve:
Within myself (berbulan-bulan dah! Masih tak resolve lagi)
Amongst my D'Talk prog members (where can I get strength, courage and firmness O Allah?)
Amongst my Camp Xplore admin members (same as above, need to instil some leadership skills in myself!)
Juggling school with others (time management rabak sey)
Health (entahlah, I'm like giving up on it... Will try to eat more fruits)

Some things I'm proud to have done this past week:
Managed not to fall sick!
Learn to adjust margins and tabs on Microsoft Words
Did camp xplore brochure (with help from other dept of cos)
Presented on Medinan Charter (Piagam Madinah)
Created a video for Mothers' Day (she didn't cry though, why??)
I didn't cry once even though I'm under alooot of pressure
dah itu je seh... nothing on school... :(

Some things I'm disappointed at myself about:
My failure to be firm as a letter
My failure to arrive early/on time for school
My failure to get Director's List (I feel as if it's a duty entasked to me...)
My failure to keep my room clean
My failure to be aware of my food intake

Banyak eh aku tulis. Wanna write more actually... Wanna write about what I think about this makcik I met at Ghufran, about career/SIP, about marriage, about LAST lab, about faraidh lesson, about family, about weird stuff and many more! Btw, jangan judge by what I'd just said... These did circulate in my mind a lot, but I don't wish to be judged by my thoughts can?

My next tagline: "Okeh?" :n

Nak makan chocolate, nak makan sushi, nak makan bubur, nak TIDO!

Tak nak buat keje, tak nak gi skola, tak nak kluar rumah, tak nak bangun dari katil pon! (except for necessities larh)

Actually, I have so much to thank for, ungrateful me...

Anw, initially I thought cyclone had something to do cloning humans and I actually wanted to ask, "They're successful??" Ermmmmmm

Still having headache. Movement and speech getting slower and slower, eyes getting more and more tired...

Sometimes thinking is such a tiring thing to do

Choices... Just thinking about these...

Musthalah Hadith Paper 1 was ridiculous! Paper 1 is open book and the questions are just... nonsensical! InsyaAllah boleh pass, tapi nak score tu tak yakin uh.

Haflah in the morning was pretty ok. We received 3 gifts! 1. Kiblat Compass to symbolise a sense of direction, 2. A Journal to pen down our reflections in and 3. The gift of KNOWLEDGE. Hehe. Initially when the mudirah asked, "Sape nak hadiah?" Shaza and I was like automatically "NAK!" haha. My speech bored people to death. I dunno ar maybe I was looking at the wrong people. My gaze kept catching this sweet-looking girl from another class and sweet-looking as she was, she was frowing and she had her arms folded across her chest. Okayyy nvm, it's over and done with. Oh, the valedoctorian from Hong Kah gave a short speech and something made her cry towards the end. I didn't catch what she was talking, cos like me, she was quite short and her voice wasn't properly projected through the mike. Oh, as for me, I stood on tip-toe the whole time when I stood at the podium. Haha, PENDEK!

I've got quite a lot of pics updating to do, 2nd birthday surprise, 2nd cousin's engagement, haflah and a few scenery pics, but later arh. The exam left me feeling tired, sleepy and hungry and I wanna treat myself to a book!! My mum gave me $15 to buy a book of my choice as a present for getting top student, yay! But I used up the $15 to pay for my madrasah fees. I thought $420 per sem, sekali $450, terkorek2 lah beg tu for another $30. And, my parents haven't paid me back. ater they put in my bank, so now I can't go find my book...

Nvm, I buy also I can't read yet, cos I've still got my Sejarah& Tamadun Islam II exam and my 2 5-page long (each) assignment due on next Sunday. Gosh, I feel like eating Nasi Ambeng behind Joo Chiat haha. The kuah lemak ayam cili padi extremely power!!

Oh btw, my dad attended my haflah afterall. Though on the way to Assyakirin, he was like complaining about everything under the sun, including the fact that I'm gonna give my speech in English and not in Malay, even after I exlained why I chose to do it in English. At one part, he said, "Tengoklah nanti lepas your speech orang mengata pasal kau, mentang2 top student nak buat in English taknak in Malay (eksyen gitu ar makna dia). Ni lagi buat baba taknak masuk." And I gave a very sharp reply that probably stung his ego, "Kenapa, malu??" Mwahaha I know I'm evil. Can't help it you see. Sakit hati lah seh. Fact kan, nak malu buat ape?? YOu should be proud of me! Pandang yang buruk je (not that giving a speech in English is buruk), yang baik taknak pandang. Ni lah manusia... But you my readers would understand, I'm so comfortable conversing in English. Al-maklum, kay poly mana ade Melayu lagi?? Of course, I can give a speech in fully perfect bahasa baku Higher Malay Standard if I need to (and yes my initial speech was in proper Malay, but my concept was wrong and I had to redo and somehow I found it hard to translate.) but it's so formal it'd sound like I'm reading from a script or book not written by me! And yes, there is a tip to writing a valedictory speech, it shouldn't sound like it was directly lifted from a book. It should sound personal. Dush...

Wah, lately banyak eh aku complain pasal my parents here. Dulu tak pernah, cos I remember my mum's words, "Aib keluarga jangan dibilang-bilang" such that even my best friends dunno how my family is like. But lately... Stress sangat kott. Alar it's the growing phase lah ni, mesti ada "Why can't you understand me??" phase lol. Not really buka aib keluarga, but just conflicts between a teenage daughter and her parents je. Ini merupakan satu pengajaran bagi ibu-ibu, bapa-bapa, bakal ibu-ibu, bakal bapa-bapa, remaja-remaja dan bakal remaja-remaja. Mudah-mudahan dapat avoid the mistakes my family probaly had done lar ye.

Oh, and I have this macam angan-angan ah.. You know when you post something on the net, it'd like be there forever and ever and who knows nanti bila aku pulak jadi mak orang, I can read my blog back about time-time remaja ni supaya aku tak akan buat kesilapan yang sama. And maybe kalau dorang berani, my children pon boleh read my blog jugak. Well, unless blogger decides to delete the blogs uh, or make us pay for the server (NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!). Drama mama seh entry aku.

Eh kebiasaan eh tulis panjang-panjang. Dah, aku nak pi makan pisang goreng that I'd been eyeing since just now, and then I'm off to sleep.

Oh, I think budak-budak Madrasah Perdaus bedok memang prefer to converse in English. Arif and Audi also presented the Bunayya ppt in English, and Shara and Shaza would have presented the Tafsir proj in English if they could, but the mudirah was like, "Try in Malay boleh? All of you cakap Inggeris nanti banyak parents complain pasal tak galakkan cakap Melayu. But I won't force you". I think if she could, she'd get me to give my speech in Malay as well, but I was listing all the reasons why I did in English, such that she probably thought, "Okkkkkkk, eh stop ar, KK fine you can talk in English" LOL.

Anyway, Happy 19th birthday Khairiyah!!! May Allah bless you!

This is the third time I watch Brother Bear on Disney channel and sniff sniff, it's the third time I feel my throat tighten and tears fill up my eyes. The ending is so sweeet and the credits part is funny...

Don't you just wish that your relationship with your siblings is better?

Oh I just remembered one important thing that I forgot to say... I got my mum to cut my hair and now it's soooooo short (as compared to before). I look so different lah. Like a boy... My mum eh insist that it looks nice. It is not! Wasn't what I had in mind at all... I wanted it layered and guess what my mum did when I told her so? She cut my hair into TWO layers, one shoulder length, one ear length. Maaaaa! That is NOT layered! And when she cut, she takes tufts of hair and just snip away. My hair is very lebat when it's short and I keep telling her to take bit by bit and cut. Ya Allah... And when I say I'm not satisfied and want to adjust it, she insist that it is nice. She can still ask me, "You look from behind... It's very nice." MA! Firstly, I see myself in the mirror and see the front of my face and NOT the back of my head and secondly, I'm wearing tudung so the only person who sees the BACK of my head is HER! Geram tau... Now I have to wait long long till my hair grows back. Now, I'd wash my hair like 3 times a day just because it looks nicer when it's wet and not puffed up like a flamingo's plumes! Any of you have female Muslim friends who is good at cutting girls' hair, pleaseee let me know... I don't wanna hurt my mum's feelings but I have my self-confidence at stake too when I see myself in the mirror everyday. Urgh!

Btw I miss doing a lot of things... Right now I wish I can go eat fish soup at the foodstall in Bugis with Jun, go cycling with Ad and co at Pasir Ris, Changi or ECP, watch movie at PS with Sylvia, go eat donuts and fly kites with NI, attend camp with Fityan or Saff but I'm stuck at home finishing up school stuff and after that my mum is making me make-over my room before I can go anywhere. So sad lah...

Ouch, I just had a leg cramp cos I accidentally twisted it. Haha, and I dunno how it happened.

Anyway, been feeling down lately (almost to the point of depression I suppose ish), been crying a lot... Even something soooooooooooo small and pointless (when I think back about it) could trigger tears to fill my eyes. School, Family, Friends all.

Right now I'm taking one step at a time. Don't bother to keep my tears in. Whenever I feel like crying, I'll pour it out of my eyes. But, I just can't make myself pour out my problems to someone else. In front of others, I'd still keep my cheerful bubbly smiley self. Behind, only Allah knows. Only Allah will hear the contents of my heart. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mendengar dan Allah itu Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang. Afterall, HE is the one who is Maha Berkuasa. If I have a problem, only He can help me.

I'd been reading some texts lately. Sungguh mulia akhlak Nabi s.a.w. I don't need to explain further. If you need someone as an example, he is the best example. And how I wish to emulate Rabi'ah Al-Adawiyah, such a committed muslimah! So strong in her principles. Like WOW.

Anyway, something to remind me.. Alhamdulillah, segala puji bagi Allah.

Alhamdulillah
I have parents
I was born a Muslim and currently proud to be a practising Muslim and not just a Mulim by name
My parents provide me education (and I feel this is important) both duniawi and ukhrawi
My parents provide me shelter, clothing, food and all other basic necessities
In fact, my parents even provide certain luxuries for me: computer, MP3 etc
I have friends
Those who care
I have (Muslim) brothers and sisters whom I wasn't born with
Those who always remind me of Allah
Those who always motivate me to make myself closer to Allah
I get pretty good grades in school
At least, I'm able to grasp what is being taught
I am physically complete, no missing toes or fingers or whatever
I have 5 working sense organs
That let me know of the Greatness of the Al-Mighty
I am living in Singapore
Where peace and prosperity prevails
Where I am allowed to practice my religion openly, more of less
I am given the opportunity to do so many things
I am healthy enough to grab these oportunities
and the list goes on, no doubt, just that I'm pretty sleepy now so can't think much.

I urge my fellow readers to count your blessings too. You'll be surprised how blessed you are compared to many others. Don't forget to praise Allah cos all praises are only to Him. (Just read an email I received from Zee comparing us to Africans. Really, be grateful of all that you have)

I realise that of late I only fill my time with ilmu, with knowledge. I go to school on weekdays with the aim of obtaining a diploma in biotechnology. I attend usrah session with my fellow NI/NYPMSN sisters on Friday fortnights. I attend Kelas Peningkatan Remaja (KPR) at Ghufran on Saturday nights 3 times a month. I go to Andalus for Diploma Pengajian Islam (DPI) every Sunday afternoon. Even during my CCA, there are lessons to be learnt-drama skills that can be applied to life sometimes.

I'm always hungry for knowledge and anyone who comes between me and knowledge really irritates me. Yet, sometimes I need a break.
k
Random: Currently in search of my identity, my true identity.

Just something I'd like to add... Words that I can't forget, that may make my day or simply make me smile...

Ustazah Ainiyah: "Bagus muda2 dah solat. Semoga ia berterusan" eventhough it's yesterday, I can't remember much what she said (ish, takble jadi perawi hadith haha)

Kak Maryam: "I prefer seeing you during NI events. In school, you always look so stressed out. During events, you're always smiling." on bus ride home after NiTREK

Liyana (Fityan): "aku suker dok sblah kau sbb kau kasi aku inspiration la. and and and, kau tell me things aku tk tau. tu yg best la kan." on my tagboard after KPR

Ad: "Dear Marliyana sahabatku... I'm very delighted that we were fated to be in the same class AF14. My heart had already told me that I will kenal that girl in Beenox one day and TaDaa! I met you! Hey... Do you know that you've been a great friend to me. Ah! Like sisters..heehee...Eventhough we both have different interests, we've proven that it doesn't matter. Oh dear, I really appreciate your presence." on the box containing my birthday present for last year

Ad: "OoOoOoOoOoOo.. Whahaha! Sowie.. Okie dokie.. Got it! Tnk! Cya tmr darlz!" sms message one fine day I can't remember when

Sylvia: my 15th birthday.. Sylvia's words always make me smile. That's why I will always open her letters as soon as I can!

Ella: "Perhaps in poly you will shine" after O level posting, I can't remember her exact words but really her words motivate me so much!

Bro Mohksin: "perjuangan ni tak mudah.kdg2 kita jatoh tp yg penting kita bgn semula dan terus lawan.jgn putus asa ya!Allah tak janjikn perjalanan yg mudah tp Allah janjikn perjalan penuh dgn hikmah=) ur brothers n sisters @ fityan will always b there 2 support u!" friendster comment after KRC4, lamerrrrr tu, but I remember it, me-motivating kan alright

and some others that either I can't exactly recall now or it's pretty private. I like reading my friendster testimonials. They really put a smile on my face in times of gloominess.

On the other hand, there's another set of words that I can't forget either, and these are the ones that make me cry. Terngiang-ngiang dalam kepala. To keep it pretty much confidential, I wouldn't write who said them.

1: "Sia2 je kau pergi madrasah!" I always get this

2: "Nanti kalau aku kena sakit jantung lepastu mati, korang semua tepuk tangan lah kan?!" quite recently, wait I mean VERY recently

3: "I considered you my best friend...." a loooooooong time ago

4: "I'm disappointed in you. I know you can do better." I get variations of this

Just thinking of them make me my eyes well with tears again. And no amount of sweet words can erase them. Sometimes sleep works. Sometimes no.

I'm someone who will remember bad events. A fight with someone will leave me feeling sooooooo bad till I sleep. Sometimes even when I wake up, I'd still remember them and just feel so sad even if there are no more tears.

My defense mechanism? To talk to myself (to Allah) and to cry it out and then sleep.

Okok, enough of this. Let me continue my work. There's nothing I can achieve by doing this, but there is SOMETHING that I can achieve by doing my schoolwork ok. Toodles for now. Keep smiling and pass it on...

P.S. A lot of my friendster testi say I'm a quiet girl haha. Sometimes I wish to go back to being the quiet me, but I can be pretty loud these days... Miss those innocent days... I've changed, sadly. Sry to all who've been affected by the new me.

Finally managed to upload photos from my cam. Woo hoo! Finally I have Bluetooth! So pathetic right.. So looooong then get bluetooth haha.

Hari Raya Korban '07. That's me, Huda & Huda! Haha, I'm not kidding.


Juz as the saying goes, there's a child deep down in all of us!

Winnie!!

Classic.. The Disney Princesses, in my opinion, is the best work Disney has put up.


Satu kiblat menyatukan semua umat Islam. =)

Hehe, more Disney! Btw, I did that bracelet. Nice eh?


Took this while waiting for my grandma to enter the gate. Wish I could go with her... I so wanna take a plane. And definitely I even more so wanna visit Mekah and Madinah!


On the bus with Si Hui and Siti on our way home from 4R class chalet. Siti wanted to stay longer but I dragged her home lol. Well, I had MBio on the next day la dey!

Everyone who came to the class chalet. Not all, but still quite a handful there! Missed them sooo much! How I wish everyone had come. Oh btw, Joel looks different oOoOohhh... Hahaz

Who else if not Siti and me! Similar smiles don't you think?


Clockwise from left: Siti, me, Val, Marcus, Kenneth, Shermaine and Emily (in front)


That's my black cat btw. Malice the malicious!
Ad, Jamie and me in school after AMic paper if I'm not mistaken. Wait till I upload the videos hehe.





Macam emas maner haha! It's actually my mum's set of orange brooches. Oh yeah, she has loooaads of brooches. I think my collection only covers her set of blue brooches, which is her least I think.


And that's my mum! She was trying to hide behind me to look smaller lol.






First trying out my hp cam functions. This is negative.


And this is sepia. Love this.
Aaah... The tranquil...


THE END. Opps, I think I did some mistakes with the captions n positions of the pics. Shall edit another day larh haha. I'm sleeeeeeepy....

The ties that break what is before forbidden...

Kak Azlin











Ustaz Ahmad and Kak Nor





Semoga pertalian yang terjalin kekal selama-lamanya. Amin.