Sore throat (which hurts super badly when I sneeze) for the past two days or so and a teeny bit of wheezing this morning... Luckily i can joyfully still swallow my food. I guess I deserve it. Need to account for some of my wrongdoings...

I feel like a hypocrite sometimes, you know... what comes out of my mouth is different from what I do. And i dislike that! Yet, what comes out of my mouth is still the truth. I don't really have another answer... Hmm...

La tahzan la tahzan. Jangan kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, Ali-Imran: 139

I'm not strong enough.

I wish to be a better Muslim, but some of my decisions and actions don't reflect so.

Some important lessons I learned from Twilight are self-control and choice. Of course, in a different context eh! But yeah, self-control and choice... And they're related too. How much self-control you have reflects on the choices you make...

Speaking of choices. My most recent facebook status is: Marliyana Mohd Noor has made the choice early, and i shall stick to it. InsyaAllah I have a purpose, and it will be beneficial. O Allah, please grant me strength to carry through with the choice I had made and to work towards being a better Muslim at the end.

Here I refer to three choices I'd made.

1) A smaller, yet nothing less significant nonetheless, decision to skip the Fityan retreat for the week-long Persantren Kilat from 19-25 Dec @ Masjid Pertempatan Melayu. I really hope that it would be a proper closure to this year, to make me strong enough and disciplined enough for next year. I find that this is more crucial and of higher priority than spending 3 days with my Fityan family, would would probably be beneficial too, though I'm not as sure of it's impact due to the duration, as well as my comfort zone. I need to be plunged out of my bubble, as Dr Jason Chang had put it (aww I miss him haha) when we left for SIP.

2) A choice I had made about 11 years ago. According to my mum, I had wanted to join madrasah(part-time), and I do remember something like my mum warning me that it wouldn't be easy to commit, asking if I am ready to sacrifice some of my time and see through it that I complete my madrasah education, and I had been prepared to multitask to gain the best of both worlds. I'd say I have gone a long way. My eldest brother reached Pri 6 and stopped, whereas my second brother stopped halfway. Myself? I started when I was in Pri 3, making me the oldest in my class in Permulaan at Ghufran last time. Then, since the mudirah was my aunt, I skipped Pri 1 to enter Pri 2 straightaway into a class with a few my age. I remember the joy of completing Pri 6. When I wanted to continue into secondary, my dad didn't see the point of it, yet I was prepared to pay the fees for Perdaus if I really have to. Of course, in the end my dad still paid my fees and textbooks for me, and even send and fetch me every Sunday from class. Now, I am in 2nd year of DPI @ Andalus. Truthfully, I complain alot. I am sacrificing my rest on a Sunday, plus $77.50 per month from my own pocket, since I started NIE. I need to remind myself that it is a choice I had made and have committed myself to. I was first reminded of this when I was given a choice to take up an Arabic course @ Zuhri on Saturdays for the next 2 years. I'm still contemplating...

3) The biggest, and rather, one of my worst worries: My choice to go through with NIE. 8 years is not a simple feat to swallow. I've yet to digest it properly. But I'm in, and there's no turning back. For this, I have a reason for choosing this choice, and I truly believe that I'm meant to be here, that there is a purpose I need to fulfill. InsyaAllah, I have been reminding myself this, and I shall continue to remind myself. I am scared, honestly. But since I'd taken the first step, really, I should just continue walking, if I can't run, or I should even crawl/drag myself if I have too.

This journey I have chosen (which is my life) is NOT gonna be easy, and so I ask Allah for the strength to carry on, to never give up, and to continue giving my best in whatever I do. (Though sometimes I feel so ashamed of asking Allah for anything, for i feel I do not deserve it, yet only to Him I pray, and only from Him I ask.... And He is Most Generous...)

Journey of purpose... During Fityan FLAP, we were asked to ponder and write down and share why are we doing what we do for the youths, and during usrah, we were asked to share our life goals. These set me thinking, and reminded me of my purpose. The purpose I had discovered in sec 4 madrasah, yet only truly believed and try to work towards since I joined Fityan (and probably NI) comm, which always reminds us of our niat...

My plans to reach my life goals are not concrete yet. I should really work on it especially at this time of the year, at this point in my life. I'm gonna turn 21 very soon! My Vision Board, which i did after ITQAN needs to be tweaked ;)

I think the best song to describe all these is: