It's more than two weeks of holidays after exams and I've filled my time with exciting activities :) Really refreshing indeed...

I miss blogging, but each time I want to blog, there's always something better I ought to be doing, even now haha. I've got some programme materials to prepare by tmr morning. And some reading to do as well.

Hmm what should I start with...

On the way home from kembangan this evening, I encountered an Indian boy of about 5 years old who boarded the double-decker bus I was in. He was with his father. Initially the father sat somewhere towards the back of the bus at the long seats facing each other and pulled the son to sit with him. The boy refused and started to cry. It's the ngada-ngada merengek kinda cry. I can't understand a single word he was saying until his dad repeats whatever the son said to him. It turns out that the boy wanted to sit right at the back of the bus, and when he didn't get his way, he cried. Not long after, the father gave in and brought him to sit at the back of the bus followed by a gentle, "Happy?" Unfortunately, this boy is really hard to please. he was still crying, complaining why is the bus so fast and why must they alight only 3 stops later. For goodness sake, I was silently eating my heart out hoping the bus would please go faster so I can get to my destination faster and wondering if I should have taken an alternative route, and here this boy is saying the bus is going too fast??!! The father was consoling him that they'll meet the mother faster and the mother has bought something special for him. There's this one time the boy complains to the father, "Why is the bus going so fast??" and to my surprise, the father answered, "Because we're sitting at the back of the bus, that's why it seems like the bus is going fast." I was torn on whether I should laugh or smack my head. What kind of logic is that?? Is this what parents are teaching their kids when they're young?? I pity my fellow teachers who'll have some hard time debunking myths like this.

I really can't stand kids who're very pampered, wants everything their way, cry or scream the moment they don't get what they want, too dependent, who scream and shout and run around everywhere. In short terms: misbehaved. I can accept kids for being kids, that's only natural but misbehaviour really sits on my nerves, that's why I can't teach primary school. At least I believe so. I enjoyed it when I had to relief Tweens 4 and Tweens 3, maybe I just had the privilege of getting the better-behaved students. Of course there are a few very mischievous ones and they really test my patience, especially this one class who was generally made up of rebellious kids, truly cekik darah....

Anyway, enough of that. Since I started NIE and found out that my lecturers are researchers, I have always wanted to be involved in a project and after approaching a few teachers. My dream finally came true! I was from a meeting just now with my lecturer and 4 other students. I just feel so happy and can't wait to feel at home in a lab again. Eventhough I'm still abit clueless about the project. I hope I'll get the hang of it along the way. My lecturer is kind enough to let me be part of the project, and he even obliged to what I like to do and will let me do carry out the experiments that are to my liking hehe. He passed me one of the dissertations of a past masters student to read the protocol. Holding it my hands, I wish one day i would carry a similar document, but bearing my name on it instead. InsyaAllah. If I get to masters, I would like to apply to teach at poly level :) and hopefully i would get to handle some of my own projects then! :)))

Dreams will be dreams if you don't work to make it happen. I'm in a rather hardworking mode now. Seeking spiritual boosters :) I just bought a couple od religious books at JB yesterday and can't wait to pore into them :)

The animation is cool, and the message is awesome. Though, what can I do upon hearing such a message, I'm not sure...

One paper down. I just hope I don't fail it. *cries* Please don't let me fail it ya Allah. I'll be happy with a pass.

Three more papers to go. Must.keep.going.

I'll be staying over at Liyana's hall tonight. 9am paper tmr.

I'm so sleepy right now, but I've yet to finish studying for tmr.

Can't wait for all the papers to end next Mon. Then I'm gonna have icecream at Swensen.

Please don't let me fail any papers ya Allah....

I'm excited about driving tmr, whee~!

At about 7.30pm I saw Mahirah posted a pic of her tudung on this tudung hanger that I'd been looking for. Found out that Ikea sells it at $9 only compared to prices I've heard, straightaway after Isya' I changed and got my dad to drive me to Ikea, and in less than an hour, I was safe and sound with 2 of such hangers hehe. 2hours later, I've hung about 50 of my tudungs and realise more than 20 are the plain ones that I usually wear, and more than 20 others are the designed ones which are smaller, and thus I rarely wear. AND I realise I need another of such hanger for my shawls, no space oredi :s

My point is, wow that was a fast (and rash) decision! Haha

Driving is at 10.20-12.00 tmr. Then I have 2 1/2hrs to travel to school and zohor. Argh it's tutorial tmr and I haven't done it. by hey I finished reading about the seed plants life cycle before Bio today and by the time I reached Tiong bahru on the way home, I'd finished Chonrichthyes and Osteichthyes. Gotta finish tutorial before class tmr...

Today we had a field trip to Botanic Gardens. Interesting though it was pretty hot and tiring, had to be careful with my footing on the slopes we went on... trust our prof to go off the walk trail...

Oh today is Pink Hijab Day! Yay for pink! Haha, and I realise I have alot of pink tudung but very few pink tops.. Hmm...

I wanna shop for pink tops, shirts to go with skirts, skirts and shawls, but.... not this month... I'm scrimping every cent I can. Driving (school) is costing me a bomb. Sheesh... next pay still need to pay for December bookings. Please please please let me pass before I turn 22... I wanna drive officially! Haha, but for now still alot to learn... So yeah, let's take things slowly...

Alright world, I should attempt to do my tutorial, or at least go to sleep...

I feel productive today. Finished going through Agnatha lec notes before class this morning, which is earlyyyy. Even reached school early to go and print. Had my long-awaited cutlet spaghetti lunch before going to the IAW oepning ceremony. Was late, but yeaaaa... Studied abit of Chondrichthyes before taking a short nap. Was paying attention in Chem. Studied abit of Spectroscopy and made notes of the formulas after lec. Continue to read abit of Chonrichthyes after Maghrib and during dinner, afterwhich continued on Spectroscopy. On the train I couldn't take down notes but I finished going through the whole Chapter 1 of Spectroscopy. Perhaps I can jot down the notes tmr.

Would like to finish the Chondrichthyes notes and read on seed plants life cycle for tmr's visit to Botanic Gardens, but I'm rather exhausted. Migraine whole day, but yea I feel accomplished...

Things to accomplish tmr:
- read seed plant life cycle on the way to school
- finish Chondrichthyes probably on the bus ride
- jot down Spectroscopy notes during break (if any... doubt so...) or during train ride home
- attempt Swee Ngin's tutorial, hopefully can finish by tmr night on the way home, otherwise I'd attempt it on Thurs morning before driving

Quite alot for a slacker like me actually but insyaAllah can as I have the momentum...

Right now, I should really get some rest.

Pink hijab day tmr!

It's never easy to make decisions. May Allah always be the guide behind every decision I make...

Saying no takes courage. I never used to be able to find that courage, but now I have to. It's necessary... I have chosen my battle and I shouldn't turn around. I should give my all in this battle that I'd chosen. Afterall, the goal of both battles is the same, just that the battlefields are different and so are the soldiers. I chose to fight with the brothers and sisters that I have been with for the past 5 years or so. May Allah give me the strength to carry on. I find it hard to move forward. So many distractions... So many obstacles. Persevere Marliyana, for Allah and for the ummah.

I watch the Korean show Bread, Love and Dreams and I learn something from Kim Takgu. You shouldn't chase after positions and titles and such, but go for your passion and your dreams, fight for what you believe in...

School has been pretty a-ok... Pimples sprouting all over my face, eww. But I'd finished my AED essay just now, in 1-2hrs despite cracking my brains for the past week or so to no avail. I enjoyed the last session of the Social Context module just now. I know I'm in the right track, at least for the next 6-7 years of my life. If I think back, I find that I had been tarbiyah-ed just to prepare me for this profession, insyaAllah, I found my calling. I know I have other dreams, other lifestyles I can still see myself in, but since I'm already about 1 1/2 years here, let's make the best out of these next few years and continue to develop myself while I'm at it. I see alot of opportunities to develop myself in this profession. Yes, to be a teacher in this 21st century may sound overwhelming, I think it still is very overwhelming, but I'm excited for the challenge. I can't foresee what fish (kind of students, parents, colleagues, leaders, school environment) will I get but the thought that by the end of just 8 years I would be a better person, insyaAllah, is motivating. I just hope I don't get burned out...

My brother's solemnization ceremony is tomorrow night! So excited :D I missed Abg Wan's and Kak Fiza's solemnization ceremony, I certainly don't want to miss my brother's. *excited*

My head has been throbbing from lack of sleep. The pimple breakout is probably because of this too *sigh* I'd better get some early rest tonight...

Hah?! It's 11.17pm??!! It feels like it's only 9am... :(

Indeed, those were just crap.

My friends care for me and therefore they advice me, so that I can get my As and excel in my studies :)

It's all about mindset. Sorry friends.

*sigh* My FOC mates once said "There are some people who works best under pressure, but Marliyana... she thrives under pressure"...

and Harizah ever said, "I dunno how you do it, but eventhough you start your essays and reports the night before or the morning of the day when they are due, you do a good job with them anyways."

and Mahmudah ever said, "Your paraphrasing is good eh. You put the theory in layman's terms that I cross-refered to your lab report when doing mine when I don't understand what the practical manual is saying." And then I told her that I only started paraphrasing the theory on the morning of the day the report was due...

Yet, people doubt my capabilities. People see me as doing 'unnecessary' things instead of doing my assignments.

*sigh* I do my homework and I do study you know... When I need to arh...

It's not that I like doing things last minute, no eh, but I just can't seem to do things early... And it works for me... So...

Sometimes I do find myself out of the study circle, not that there's an official one but just that these people from JC seem to mug and mug and mug all the time and their lives seem to revolve around homework, assignments, projects, reports, essays or revision. And yes they manage time better than me I guess, but I'm me and I can't be like them no matter how hard I try in my first year...

I don't even know myself well. There is no specific condition that I work best in. There is no specific place that I work best in. There is no specific time of the day that I work best in either.

It all depends on my mood and situation... Sometimes I have to study while in motion in the train or on the bus or even while pacing around a room, while sometimes, rarely though, I need to sit still and do nothing else but focus all my attention on one thing. Sometimes I need to listen to music, at other times I need to have complete silence that even the sound of the fan irritates me, or there are times also that I need natural sounds like people walking and talking. Sometimes I need to be with people who're studying before I can study, but most of the time I prefer to be on my own wandering around, finding a spot and getting to work. Sometimes I am most productive after Subuh, sometimes late at night or in the wee hours of the morning yet there are times it's just anytime of the day. As mentioned earlier, i can study on the train/bus, I can also study in the library, I can study in the canteen, at a foodcourt, at a cafe, at a fastfood restaurant, at the mosque, at a study corner, at a shelter, in my room, anywhere. Most of the time I study while lying down, but I can study sitting down as well. Whatever works...

I just don't study all the time, and yes, I guess I'd kinda given up on my As and honours... I give my best all the time though. I don't think I could have done better. I'd always been a B average student anyway (since poly that is... secondary was a C/D/E/F for me, while primary was a A/A*/distinction for me... I dunno what happened, but yeah, B... average...)

I don't like it though that people seem to look down on me as if I'm lazy or I don't give particular attention to my studies... Cause I am NOT lazy and I do pay attention to my studies. I pay attention in class as much as I can, I do my work and submit by the deadline, and I've improved rather tremendously in terms of reaching class on time (especially considering I live 2hrs away from school...)

It doesn't help that the system follows JC syllabus... And if JC students have studied the topics before, then I'm at a loss... There are lesser times that I get ahead of the class. I think there was only Microbiology and the beginning of Genetics and Organic Chem that I was at an advantage.... It's good for me that I'm learning new things, but it's bad that I feel like a mouse chasing after a cat... Playing catch-up is no fun... :(

Feeling sad about this now but I shall not regret the path I'd taken. Just need to cekalkan hati and ask Him for strength in facing this journey He has put me in...

There are moments that I catch the momentum and actually do work... Like Thursday, I finished half of my lab report already, and I only stopped because I'm stuck. Or today, I googled for one of my bio assignment... These are the moments when I have innate motivation and thrive. And there are moments when I just can't get anything done, and I accept that. I know I have limits and I only push them when I need to.

I think I'm not the only one feeling this way... Most average poly students that make it to uni face the same thing. The word is to describe is: "struggle"... I say 'most average poly students' because the above average ones are normally in tune with the JC kids (still.. not always, I know a few people who were above average in poly and struggling in uni now...). The average poly students either end up working, or really, the struggle to adapt in uni is as I have described.

I dunno what I'm rambling about. This is all crap. It's probably just my mindset. My mind IS in a jumble right now and petty things like this start to bother me, when at other times they are just a common itch on the skin that needs to be scratched away quickly. I'm gonna get back to work, if I can... Urgh, *frustrated*

Guess where I am? I''m at Raudah's hall again! On Liyana's bed cos she went home.

I was supposed to sleepover at Faizah's hall together with Amina & Ati, but partly I feel guilty of leaving Raudah in the lurch in a sense, partly oso because my toiletries are at Raudah's hall and partly well, there are other reasons.

I was supposed to drop at Raudah's hall busstop just now, and I did press the bell, and I was standing at the back door to alight, but these two people from the busstop suddenly appeared on the stairs and like caused me to take a step back uh, and to think the door closed when they'd alighted?? I was standing at the door! I made a jump to press the bell and to my dismay it was spoilt. Waddeheck eh. I'm so angry with those two inconsiderate people. Didn't even help me stop the driver from moving off, neither did they say sorry when clearly they had blocked my way, HMPH. I dunno why, I had been shouting/projecting my voice as emcee during the appreciation and suddenly I couldn't shout. I could have shouted at those two to be more considerate and let me off first, and at the driver to reopen the backdoor, but urgh! Nothing beats being angry/disappointed with yourself.

So poor me had to walk back to Hall 6...

I dunno why, I just feel so moody. So alone. Just so upset.

I think because I know I should be doing work yet I'm not doing. Maybe because I feel rather left behind by my friends. Perhaps my energy just drained out trying to juggle my commitments which have crazily been overlapping of late, which is super frustrating as I have to CHOOSE.

:( I wanna sleep. Let's hope I can get the tutorial and part of my lab report done tmr morning when I meet Harizah & Mahmudah...

I need an avenue to let out!

So upset, suddenly so many things bombarding... at one shot tonight :(

I hate last minute work, but the irony is that I always find myself in such a situation...

I guess I need a break? Preparation for AED presentation, planning for the appreciation, studying for madrasah exams, the endless jalan raya has been abit taxing on me as I find myself pushing myself to go on and on with lack of rest, physically and mentally...

Not to mention my sudden block on what had been a clear path. I dunno if I'd stay in teaching after my bond...

I still feel like approaching a lecturer and asking for a research project to handle, but at the rate I'm going, I'd die if I do that, even if that is one of the things I really wanna do right now. I miss doing lab work (for lifesciences)...

:(((( Just upset. Hope after the presentation tmr and appreciation on Wed night, I'd feel more relieved. Then I can focus on my essays, lab reports and revisions...

And perhaps I can find time to realign my thoughts and paths ahead of me...

The future brings 1001 (err, more?) mysteries... Dwelling on the future can make you go crazeeeeee.

Fb is not safe.

I feel like others don't understand my situation right now. I lost my contacts, so really, it's a challenge for me to contact others... And I have set my priorities, I'm standing by it but everyone else feels that they deserve to be the priority. That's unfair...

Perhaps, they forget. Perhaps I'm just being too selfish...

I had a really busy and hectic week, phew glad it's over. I'd been pretty unproductive, simply can't get myself to do anything. Perhaps too tired, perhaps there's just too many things to do at once and I dunno which to start wit first, perhaps the environment at home is not very condusive...

I ended Chem lecture quite early and sat in LT with Yuan Ling to wait for Sarah and Shuhui, it was a nice environment to sit in, read and e-mail my thoughts to my group members. That was the most productive I felt this week. Can't wait to get (my madrasah exams tmr) and this project out of the way. Then Chem lab report and the two essays and then I can truly revise. Let's hope there's no other assignments coming in soon.

Finally, I have finished watching Ketika Cinta Bertasbih. I find part 1 rather redundant, but part 2... Ya Allah... Memang emotional roller coaster... Kalau dah jodoh tu takkan ke mana, insyaAllah :D The film didn't make me cry like Ayat-ayat Cinta did but I find the messages delivered in KCB meaningful. Bila Anna's father tell Azzam about the expectation of an Al-Azhar graduate, macam terasa gitu... Of course, I'm not an Al-Azhar graduate, not even near pon... But just macam tersentak at the respeonsibility of someone who calls him/herself a 'graduate'. And the true meaning of learning... Haiz, I'm a bad student... Trying to improve myself... Hard... Very hard indeed... I still fall asleep in class, play games, check sms, check e-mail, check fb, go MSN etc if the class is boring. Otherwise there'll be weird shapes appearing on my notes... If that happens, it means--> I'M SUPER DUPER EXTREMELY BORED.

Hmm, since I'm here, let me give a glimpse of the first few days of school and hari raya which I'd been wanting to blog about. (besok skola start lambat so boleh tido lambat hehe!)

School started last week, the last week of Ramadhan. It is pretty tiring.... i truly enjoy Plant Diversity, not because of the subject but because of the lecturer who views the concept of learning differently. He doesn't give us any slides, not much of a problem, I have no qualms taking down the important points he say and show. The pace that he's taking is abit fast but still manageable. I just like his personality and his deep passion for what he's teaching. He is preparing us not to sit for exams and pass with flying colours, but he is really teaching us about plants, facilitating our interest in plants... I'm not that gaga over plants as he is (I pretty much dislike having to learn about plants, what more it's diversity and ecology and whatnots) but his passion kinda rubs on me :))) I'm starting to get fascinated by plants. ;)

Animal biodiversity interests me more. It IS interesting. It just makes you go, "SubhanAllah!" when you learn. The world is sooooo diverse and there is nothing that is created without purpose even to the tiniest organism there is. No matter how simple or how complex an organism is, it has been equipped with the necessary appendages to function properly.

I especially love the bio videos, very visual... It brings you across time and space! (At least, the videos that my lecturers choose to show us does) I feel like in a different world when they show the underwater lifeforms... NICE! And I love the experiments they do to prove their theories, just brilliant seh. How they come up with the theories themselves is already brilliant! What goes through their mind eh?!

Some may argue that the theories that these biologists/scientists (whatever you call them) come up with are against Islamic teachings, but yea these are just theories based on facts observed. That is Science, all about observation and deriving certain conclusions from the observations... I mean, I would hold on strongly to what Islam teaches me, and at the same time I wanna know what are the theories being theorized out there... I wonder if there have been Muslims who comes up with some theories based on the Quran and Sunnah and then test these theories with experiments. I'm sure there are! Just that I have yet to hear of them. I wanna research on this... Very curious.

Oh, as I have complained on fb, there is this lecturer who's teaching us for the first time who scolded me and a friend infront of the whole class for entering the class 5 minutes late. What happened was that it was actually a 3-hr lecture and after 1 hr by the other lecturer, there was a break where this lecturer had not arrived. I got wind that she had posted notes the night before and so myself along with a couple of others took the opportunity to rush to the library and quickly print out the notes. The fact is that I checked the portal on the previous day's afternoon and there wasn't any new notes! My friend said that she posted it up late, about 10pm at night. The lecture started at 11.30am but I didn't know there were nots since I'd just checked the afternoon before! Well, the library building is very far from the extra secluded lab at blk 7A, so obviously it took some time to get there, log into the computer, download the doc and print! What I couldn't accept is that I was scolded (interrogated is more like it... "Why are you late?" "Do you know that you have missed 5 mins of my lecture?" "Where were you from?" "How come you didn't print earlier?" "How come you didn't check the portal?") right blatantly infront of the class. I understand that she wants to instill proper discipline right from the start and warn the class, but I just find it unreasonable that I was attacked like that! She didn't even apologise for putting up the notes late!! She just said that she'd the head of department or something like that and thus she's very busy such that she can only finish deleting out the backgrounds of the slides, save as pdf and upload to the portal the night before the lecture. If she expects me to understand that, then do understand that most students don't check the portal 24/7 and some students may not have printers at home and some students stay far that they need to have early rest the day before and it takes time to journey to school to print in the morning... Spoiled my mood for the rest of her lecture (as well as the second one this week) and she has totally destroyed my first impression of her. It will take forever to change, and in the meantime I find it hard to accept anything that she's saying, especially since she spends half the time talking about pedagogy (which shouldn't be a problem if I had a better impression of her). My impression is heavily tainted that I find fault in everything she does and says eventhough I know that what she is teaching is ilmu and what she is saying may be correct! Haiz...

Chemistry is boring as usual. So physics. I took chemistry expecting more well... chemistry! But half of what I'm learning is physics and i simply suck at it. I have to put in extra effort (double the brain juices) to understand what's going on and to pass my exams. I used to fail my physics and when I got B3 for my O levels I was glad to think that it'd be the last time I see so many rocket science equations and formula. So so so feel like crying when I find that chemistry in NIE is half physics. But I couldn't have taken anything else. English sounds fine, I love languages but... I can't think of TEACHING English in Sec sch later on. I'd rather teach Chemistry. And so here I am enduring and trying to survive Chem/Physics... I miss the focused-learning in TP on Bio/Chem...

Oh one of the Chem lecturers' a Muslim. I'm impressed... You rarely see a Muslim lecturer other than those Malay lecturers teaching Malay language... But really, he needs to apply better pedagogical skills...

I have project due 2 weeks from now, and 2 9900 word essays due within these 4-5 weeks. so far that's all. Wait till the lab reports come in etc...

Today I just feel extra stressed, I dunno.

Haiz, let's leave the raya stories to another time...

Oh, I got a shock of my life when I entered NIE last week, the green grass are gone! It's brown everywhere! (and the cream colour of the building just adds to the dullness. And there were gates inside!! But this week they'd been planting and they've removed all the gates, thank God.

Oh I bunk in with raudah on one of the days last week :P I miss my hall, but I'm having second third fourth fifth thoughts of staying in a hostel again...

I didn't wanna say it out loud but it is a fact that keeps running through my mind. I could possibly fail that Organic Chem paper today and have to retake the module next year. :( That was how bad it was. Not really because the paper was hard, I didn't know, I can't tell, but it's because I didn't finish studying. The only marks that I am confident I'd get is 22/100, no kidding...

So, I'm feeling rather demoralised and down right now. Why must they put Organic Chem and Cell Structure & Function on the same day??? Everyone else felt relieved once the paper was over, because after today, there's only one more paper left for most of us. I on the other hand, feel such a big boulder in the middle of my chest that truly fears the outcome.

I finished the paper, with my own made-up reactions, reactants, reagents, conditions and products. The only thing that I can hope for is nothing less than a miracle.

I wouldn't feel so bad if Organic Chem isn't a subject that I'd taken before (and scored for) in poly, or if I had been struggling with it from the start, or it was a really really tough paper (since there'd be moderation)... The thing is, I know that deep down in my heart that I hadn't put in enough effort in this. So disappointed in myself...

Last paper on Wednesday. I don't know how it'll be like. It's another heavy module. So many topics to cover in whatever is left of the time from now to the start of exam. I'd had late-nights the past few days, not exactly feeling in the pink of health right now, and I still need to push on a bit more. No matter how demoralised I feel, let not that affect the last paper. I should end this semester on a high note...

I'm tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I can't even seem to get tears, feeling too numb already...

Ya Allah, betapa tak tenteramnya hati ni. First paper in a few hours. Nak katakan, I have finished going through my notes and have tried some past year questions, but... sunguh gelisah sangat-sangat. Takut lupa, takut tersalah concept etc...

I know, dah usaha, dah ikhtiar, dah doa, time to tawakkal. And with these few hours left, I can still put in some more usaha and doa, but it is unnerving. I think it's because I realise that the way I explain my answers when practicing the past year paper yesterday is very incoherent.

DO’A KETIKA HENDAK BERSYARAH ATAU BERBAHAS

Rabbisy rahli sadri wa yassirli amri wahlul ‘uqdatan min lisani yafqahu qauli.
“Ya Allah! Lapangkanlah dadaku, mudahkanlah pekerjaanku (urusanku) dan
lancarkanlah lidahku agar mereka faham pembicaraanku.”

Mata ni mengantuk sungguh. Semalam hampir satu jam just toss and turn toss and turn, baca doa ni doa tu tak kelap lelap jugak mata. Nervous attack dia sampai susah nak bernafas. Akhir sekali, paksa jugak tidur, basahkan lidah dengan selawat, alhamdulillah lelap jugak akhirnya selepas dah hampir jam 2 pagi. Macam nak rehat semula ni, tapi tak tenang! Nak cuba buat soalan-soalan lagi, nak asahkan lagi answering skills.

Ya Allah, tenangkanlah hati yang resah ini.

I'm currently in NTU library, apparently taking a break from revision. Finished one topic yesterday and 2 topics this afternoon for Main Group Chem, and even had a sumptious *gasps!* lunch with Mir at JP and a pathetic yet super fulfilling (plus tonnes of MSG and oil) Mcspicy + shaker fries + double choc frappe for dinner :) I seriously need to save up after exams... (Though I'd most likely be going out alot to celebrate end of exams! Argh $$$$$)

Apart from exams, my mind has started to tune in to FOC stuff back, bit by bit. *stress* I wanna retire can? Excited yar, but the prospect of having to think of programmes for the next 3 months or so, every single day, is rather daunting... games, props, games trial, faci training, mock camp etc etc.

And no doubt, I'm wondering how my holidays would be spent. No overseas trip :( Once again, I have psycho-ed myself that, "No, you have no urgent purpose in going Australia, please save up that money for other urgent use"

I'm trying to stay as independent as possible. Try not to use my parent's money anymore. I strive to pay for my own poly fees (need to pay back my dad's CPF) and for my expenses in the 2 years when I won't get any pay. Quite tough. It's so tempting to want a new phone, or get myself a netbook, or book for a flight with a friend for a short getaway. But NO. Gotta be happy with the smaller stuffs, food and more food, a movie or two, a shoe or two, new shawls, new jubahs, new books... Those small small things. Yet, I feel that I shouldn't be spending on them. Rasulullah didn't bother about those stuffs! Well, erm.. yea...

I want to get a part time job in the holidays, preferably one which is related to teaching. Mir suggested taking Mendaki classes, starting with relief. I think that's a good idea. And I can still relief Teens @live classes once in awhile :))) I'm not sure if I wanna commit weekly. It may be ok during the holidays, but quite tough once school reopens...

I want to finish ALL the books that I have yet to read at home during the holidays. It mounts up to over 20 books! Ish. They've been collecting dust :(

Ok, speaking of reading, I should really get back to reading my notes... Getting a short nap first sounds very tempting too. My neck hurts

Cepatnya masa berlalu... I took 2-3hrs to actually start doing SOME WORK (which was VERY little) then I did my laundry, bathed, prayed, put out the laundry and here I am at 3.54am. :(

I should really go to sleep, or at least continue my research paper, but I just felt like typing something...

I sat for my Organic Chem test just now. I couldn't do so many questions, cause I didn't finish studying. I feel so disappointed in myself. I'd taken Organic Chem in poly before and if I'm not mistaken, I got an A or even a distinction! But this, I screwed up one of the 3 lab reports and the test (15%of overall) just now so I guess, there goes my 30%. How to get A!!!

I was too tired.... Yikes.

Nak kata I regretted becoming a faci for Finding Seacreo, not really. I guess I just didn't manage my time well, boo hoo... So disappointed in myself :'(((

It was another enriching experience being a faci for Finding Seacreo. This is my second time becoming a faci, and it was really different from the first one. The pax were younger than Radiate (except two), the group was mixed of which only 3 were girls, my faci partner is a guy (Faizal btw), I had TEN pax under our care, it was outdoors (about 8 hours with 2 races in it at Sentosa) and we as faci were also the game masters and safety officers. Stress I tell youuuu... I don't think I did a good job. I think I failed to carry out the amanah properly. I am glad that at least 5 of them enjoyed the camp, I guess the programmes were fun, alhamdulillah. I hope they learned at least ONE beneficial thing from the camp...

For the next two weeks, I have my Saturdays full, and I'm scared it would tire me out again. My first paper is on 21st, 8 more days only. 8 days to cover four subjects with 8-20 topics each *faints* I need to get the momentum back (the camp really broke my momentum) and be focused and disciplined with my revision. And I MUST finnish this ALS research paper by tmr night to send for draft safe assignment and peer review...

I am worried why I can't seem to get anything done at all... and time flies so so fast! I'm scared... I wanna do well this sem. I really do. I must pull up my GPA... :'(((

Macam mana ni...

I just sat for Bio test just now. I have no idea how I did. I just hope I did ok...

Got back the Chem test from last week's. My second F in uni. Same lecturers. Purposely seh set it hard. Lesser Fs this year (and NO As too btw) and I'm still one of them :(

Demoralised seh. Exams in two weeks. No study break. Two more quizzes in between... Can't wait for hols.

My confidence has been crushed twice. TWO MCQ quizzes seh I didn't do well, when in fact I was confident I would be able to do well... I have another MCQ/short ans quiz tmr and I'm at the 2nd topic, and I have no motivation to continue. When I study, I keep reading and rereading to ensure I get all the facts right. And when anyone asks me anything, I don't have the confidence to give an answer and be sure that it is correct. So sad right...

It's not that I don't want to help my friends, but I'm afraid that I'm not even helping them in the first place, by giving them the wrong answer. I'm doubting myself! I used to be so sure of what I say, especially when it comes to Science. I'm the one who'd understand what is being taught in lectures and would help to explain to Ad when she doesn't understand. Now, I can't even be 100% sure that what I know/understand is right!

So sad...

Someone asked me, is uni easy?

My answer: definitely not. Anyone who says that it is easy must be a genius or must be crazy.

Uni is certainly NOT easy. It is a fact that I am struggling in NIE. I can't give up, and I never will...

I keep comparing poly and uni life, I feel so suffocated in uni. Eventhough my timetable (just lecture after lecture after lecture, except for lab once in awhile) now is less hectic than poly (lab every week, tutorial every week, projects in between, Fityan activities, Nur Ikhwan activities and whatnots), I feel so so tired. I sleep late almost every day. I seem to be running after time all the time. I am never ahead of it. I find it so hard to finish work on time. Or to produce quality work, because I'm just so so tired...

But I have to keep myself motivated. Just keep swimming. Just do and do and do. One at a time. It is very very tiring and draining. I can't seem to be doing anything else other than study, do assignment, study, do assignment...

I really miss poly life. Uni is crazy. It takes a lot to remind myself what am I doing here...

I'm glad I have helpful friends who'd motivate me, who'd help me out when I'm stuck etc. Harizah and Mahmudah may be struggling with their studies too, but they seem to be coping better than I am. They manage their time well. They seem to finish everything early. It is rather pressurizing, but I guess it's a good pressure...

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah aku memahami apa yang aku pelajari...

I guess, I need to put in more effort to berusaha and to berdoa... Perbanyakkan selawat and munajat. May Allah ease my tasks for me...

This video just made me very very sad...



We share the same world, the same earth, yet....

It's something for us to think about.

Anyway, I had a crazy weekend, and the craziness didn't stop there.

I'm at SCBE again right now, supposedly to study and do work (but apparently my harddisk has decided to make it hard for me to continue ICT, it hanged!! I better back-up soon sehhhhh) but as usual, visit facebook first... And here I am now on blogger...

So yeah, crazy weekend....

Started off with Friday rush. Had ICT meeting at noon, and so had to create and fill a PBWiki page AND I also had to rush my Chem lab report before going for lab prac. Completed it late and went to lab late. I seem to miss the briefing every week. Thank God I have a friend like Harizah...

After lab, met up with the Bio gang (only Harizah and Jeffrey couldn't join us) to celebrate Pie's birthday at Sakura Pioneer. Haha, he kena saboed and he enjoyed it! We truly filled our stomach (though I had it better this time... the last time I went Sakura with family was super duper kenyang, tak senonoh seh perangai). And because we laughed and laughed and laughed (satu satu kerenah HAHA) we couldn't eat that much. It was a happy Friday night I should say.... Had been 'enjoying' myself alot sehh...

After the dinner celebration, I rushed home (did some work on the train to save time) and finished up the 3 e-learning ALS tasks. Managed to submit all within the last few minutes seh, haha, alhamdulillah. Perangai last minute habis! Buruk!

Then on Saturday morning, I attended the CLF at SMU. I was late, and pretty much lost, so I was so paiseh to enter initially. But then, what's the point of just sitting outside alone right?? So just braved myself and entered. They were still on the first speaker. He was a very good presenter! Mr Sunny Goh... Hmmm... Eventhough I was lost in the topic (I didn't go in the hope to understand anything anyway.... ), I felt that he managed to engage the audience well. I didn't really enjoy the second speaker. I dunno, I just find his presentation opinionated uhh... And his mimik2 muka tak penting eh. Maybe it's just me uh... I didn't get a feedback form to say that...

The discussion session was interesting. Open for 'debate' amongst the presenters, commentators and audience. About race vs class. About the media. And more uh. I felt out of place, the feeling of 'macam-paham'ness but since I told myself, "I'm here to be exposed to this, to observe..." and so, that's exactly what I was there to gain. I wish I can speak as well as them. 3 years to train myself to present better...

Afterwards, I walked around Bugis Junction to find a suitable present for Ad. I took a long time walking round and round. Some of the shops, I visited at least thrice la seh! I ended up buying three things for myself too. Yikes! My mum just told me not to spend unnecessarily these few months up to October to contribute abit to my eldest brother's wedding preparations. Uh oh. Felt so guilty for spending after that. But I needed the new wallet. My old wallet dah koyak rabak, zip pon dah tercabut. The air freshener thingy was a different matter though. Argh!!!

Then I rushed to pray, get murtabak, meet Jamie at Tampines, put the present together and travel to Changi Beach for Ad's birthday celebration....

Ad... I miss youuuuuu!!!!

We were there for a short while only, cos Ad had to rush back to her house for awhile to get the booking receipt for the pit and shelter, and since I had to go off anyway, I follwed her to Simei; Faj drove. Faj wore tudung already, so sweet! She's the 3rd friend I see started wearing tudung last year/this year. So anyway, when I parted with Ad at Simei, we hugged and I really felt like crying. I felt so so bad for having to leave early. I felt so so bad for not being there when she had the operation, or when she was facing life's challenges. She updated me about some things in the car, and I was like, "How I wish I could have been there... What a friend, I didn't even know..." Really, on the way to Simei mrt alone, I really felt like crying. I have truly neglected my family and friends. I dunno if what I'm practicing is the best for all, but yeah, I feel bad, I feel guilty.

I reached Masjid Kassim at 7 plus, just in time for Maghrib. After Maghrib, straightaway went for my duty for registration. Since I was handling registration, I entered the talk late. The talk was interesting, but... either I was too tired, or really, my heart needs some spiritual cleansing. It was hard for me to absorb what the lecturer was talking about. Maybe it's my perception that it would be a heavy topic which caused me hard to concentrate and make sense of it all. But I guess I managed to get the gist of it, especially with the follow-up by Ust Noor afterwards during dinner/supper. It makes me think and ponder, and gave me a headache as the topping on the ice-cream aka lack of sleep. InsyaAllah I'll attend all 8 talks. May Allah ease the path for me...

I reached home late. Argh! Dahlah weekdays duduk hostel, weekends pon sehari suntuk takde rumah, ish ish ish... But then, the time spent at home isn't quality time with the family anyways. I'll just be surfing the net. But then again, to come home so late, it just so... I dunno what's the right word... I guess, 'disrespectful'? Not that I'm very respectful of my parents to begin with, but hey, I'm trying.

Since I came home late, I woke up late the next morning! Ni seriously, bangun terkejut beruk nye. I woke up, saw the clock, and was like, "OHMYGOD! MAAAA!!!" Hahahaha. It was like 8.30, and I was supposed to relief a class at 8am!!!!! Crazy seh... Luckily, the main trainer for my class was still there. She didn't even know I was supposed to relief. Even the office didn't have my name on the list, anyway!!! Apparently I was supposed to replace another relief...

But yeah. The first class was like out of control seh. It was a sec 2 class. Very incooperative! But I let the main trainer just continue what she was doing uh. I had to conduct one of the activities, but only the start, cos after that the main trainer took over back. I felt redundant haha. But good experience of trying to control a class like that...

The next class was a good experience. Not without it's set of challenges of course. I had to relief with Kak Rabiah. Apparently she's a relief too, and so neither of us know where the students stopped and can't prepare much. When finally we got to figure out where the class stopped (from the students who came early/on time rather), we then found out that we couldn't open the slides. So I did a quick slide presentation according to the lesson plan. Copy paste seh! I managed to do halfway only. Continued again during break. And all in all, I did up a spontaneous slide presentation of 18 slides in that 2 and 1/2 hrs!

The topic was about physical care. But our focus was on beautiful soul. It was an interactive class. I loike! We talked about fairy tales, we read an article, we watched a video, we had group discussions, we had sharings, we had questions (dajjal semua keluar sehhh). Fun experience! The class was easier to handle. I only had trouble with one group who refused to discuss together throughout the whole class! I have a problem with quiet people. I dunno how to make them talk, seriously.

I'sd love to teach their class again :)))) But I can't commit uh... Especially since their class is at 11.30-2.30 and normally I'd have to attend my own class! Just that today has one week (or rather, one day) break.

Speaking of class... I think I I haven't been getting knowledge, I'd just been acquiring more and more information... I hadn't truly understood and applied those 'information' to life. Ish ish... I don't think I am a good representation of DPI students. Hish!

Need to be more humble. Need to remind myself that what I know is comparable to just a drop of water in the whole wide world. Maybe even less....

Ok, I should really get back to work. Spent more than 2 hours on this already. Aiyooooooo!

I wanna go out of Sg during the hols. Hopefully NEMC KRC falls on a holiday Sunday when I have no madrasah!!

Argh! I have so many things on my mind now that I can't concentrate! There's so many things due over these two weeks, almost every other day!

And I'm still thinking of my laundry. If my clothes don't dry by tmr night, I'd have nothing appropriate to wear on Wednesday. I certainly don't wanna wear my pyjamas ehh...

I just went for NTUMS usrah for adhoc teams. Only Rahmah and I turned up, along with Sis Nabilah & Khadijah representing the exco and Kak Zu was our naqibah. It was certainly a pleasure to meet Kak Zu again! And it was really nice to sit in an usrah session again, but I guess the ice hasn't been broken and it was still a little awkward. And I dunno! I didn't seem to absorb anything, cos if I did, I wouldn't feel so stressed right now with the workload that I'm facing, since the theme just now was stress management!!! Hmm...

I'm very tired right now. And really, all I did tonight was to list down my things-to-do for school (which means it excludes my hall chores like MY LAUNDRY and FOC stuff), read one slide, skim through ALS and yeah... that's it. Argh!!!! *panic attack*

And it's so coldddddd :( I guess I prefer cold than hot but it really is cold. I'm wearing my shawl, and turned down the fan to no. 4 oredi... Brrr... I feel that putting four more extra layers of clothing and selubung myself in a comfy quilt, which I don't have btw...

And there are some things bugging me at the back of my head, I can't concentrate!! I'm so sleepy seh... But I'd feel that I'd just wasted tonight :(

And quite a number of times, I hit the wound on my ankle, ow ow... Still I'm sure I'm faring so much better than the silat peeps :(

So many :(... La tahzan Marl la tahzan...

I think I'm deeply affected by the FOC prog meeting I had this afternoon... No one was in the mood for it. Truth be told, I wasn't in the mood for it either. Plus, two programmers couldn't make it last minute, with valid reasons uh... And I dunno, I just feel that I lacked direction today, and have thus failed mself... I just feel demoralised by it. I really did badly in chairing the meeting today... Cannot arh... Where's the enthusiasm people?? If people keep sending me negative vibes, it's hard for me to remain positive... I may very well cancel next week's meeting and resume after exams. Afterall, what's the point of having a meeting when everyone's heart and mind is elsewhere, it'll just waste everyone's time and make everyone more grumpy and make me more demoralised. I keep wondering, how did I end up accepting the head prog's role again??? I was so keen on rejecting it during the interview seh... Urgh. Why can't I say 'NO'??

I need to revise the timeline for prog...

But right now, either I take a rest and wake up early tmr and get some things done or I'd better get some things done NOW.

I think I'm going vegetarian tmr... Maybe for the whole week... I should bring my laptop and ensure I get something done EVERYDAY.

La tahzan Marl la tahzan!!!!!!

I dunno why I call myself Marl, when I really prefer people to call me Liyana...

Ok, I should stop ranting like... NOW