I'm not crying, I'm just in tears haha. Literally. So sleeeeeeeeeepy. Exam tmr. Before that my FOC mates coming over. Perhaps after that Fityan comm is coming over too. Before all these, I actually have to finish slides for my group project due, which I can't seem to figure out which to put in!!!

As I was reading Brida by Paulo Coelho (one of the 3 books I bought recently, whee~! I wanted to buy more, but Harizah stopped me. For once! She say because it's books. There's another 2 books I wanted to buy, and even another one that I'm looking for but can't seem to find it in the bookstore...) I feel that I'm soooo much like her. Trying to find out something (err no, I'm not looking for magic FYI) and to do so, I need to learn. And I can't seem to finish what I start because I can never decide on one path to truly follow (I'm still having second thoughts about becoming a teacher, I truly miss research work/lab work. When I hear stories from Ad and Liyana, my heart just aches and I feel that I'm not doing what I really wanna do, though at the same time, I don't know if even research work is what I wanna do, I pretty much screwed up my Major Project because for that whole 5 months there, eventhough I know what am I doing and what am I finding for, I still couldn't figure out the big picture much.) The book is captivating, as I can really put myself in her shoes...

Oh I've got a temporary phone while my Samsung phone is being repaired. *Sniff sniff* I lost all my contacts AGAIN. The only numbers I remember are my family's, one of my aunts, Ad, Liyana and Harizah. Wow, smart right, never save contacts in SIM card...

I had a posting due at 10.30am. I fell asleep while doing it, only to wake up and realise that it was already 10.26am! I finished it up quickly and manage to submit by 10.42am, ish ish ish.

I've spent the next hour commenting on two of my friend's posts, which is the homework for this week. So, that one done!

Now now, I have 3 tutorials to finish up, 2 halfway through... Wonder if I have the willpower to finish them up by Asar. Then tomorrow I can work on my presentation for FOC. Need to improve my presentation skill! Guess I'll work on that this year, while still working on my leadership skill. It's been quite some time since I was in a leadership role, and I'd forgotten how freakingly intimidating it can be, yikes!

Oh, I'm at home. Finally, after 6 days at hostel! I'm so happy both classes are cancelled today! But since the sahur committee wanna have a dinner gathering after so long, I would be heading back to hostel after Asar insyaAllah.

Anyway, I'll be registering to take up a motorbike license at BBDC on Tuesday. *sucks in deep breath!*

And I have decided not to take up the Arabic class at Zuhri afterall. I'm not willing to sacrifice my Saturday afternoons! I wanna look for short modules, preferably on Monday nights in the West maybe? I'll see how it goes...

Motorbike license, car license (which I have officially put on hold, perhaps till after I get a motorbike license) and Arabic class are the 3 things I was considering on taking up for this year. I forgot to do one thing during my decision-making: istikharah. Nevertheless, I hope what I'd decided is still the best for me. Tawakkaltu ala Allah...

Oh, btw, there're two good books I wanna document the titles here.

1) Dzikir pagi petang dan sesudah shalat fardhu menurut al-Qur'an dan as-Sunnah yang shahih oleh Yazid bin Abdul Qadir Jawas - zikir amat amat penting dalam hidup kita, untuk selalu mengingatkan kita dan juga sebagai benteng bagi diri kita.

2) Offline dengan Syaitan oleh Zulkifli Khair - syaitan mempunyai pelbagai macam cara untuk mencapai tujuannya di dunia, dia tidak akan pernah berputus asa hinggalah roh kita telah meninggalkan jasad...

I hope I'd have some time to share about some of the things I learn from Ustaz Kamsani in Tazkiatul Nufus. It's interesting. The way he deliver is very good, can evoke fear in your hearts while you ask, "What can I do???" and pray silently in your heart, "Ya Allah, please protect me! Please save me!"... then he'll make you laugh at his jokes, and sometimes even at yourself.... And he can make you smile thinking about what he just say, knowing hope is not lost :) Yet he is a very humble man...

It's been quite awhile since I last cried reading a book (Lurlene MacDaniel's books used to make me cry profusely... And Mitch Albom's 'Tuesdays With Morrie'. Though 'For One More Day' hardly made me tear a little. I can't remember other books.) and Cleo did. Not profusely. But it left a fist-in-a-throat kinda feeling. The book's great, with great philosophical views and quotes. It helps to heal in a certain way. Though I don't really enjoy Helen Brown's style of writing...

Really, one day I hope to write a book. It may not be published. I just want to feel a sense of satisfaction on finishing up a manuscript. It certainly wouldn't be an academic book, unless somehow I get forced into it, for whatever reason that may be! Whether it'd be a real story or a fiction, I haven't decided. But certain themes I would try to include would probably be religion (Muslim) and love (in its own definition). And it'd be interesting to set it in Singapore.

Did you know two young girls, 11 and 16 if I'm not mistaken won a writing competition and have their writings published recently. Each is sold at $8.90, exclusive of GST at Times and there was an autograph ceremony last Monday I think, or this coming Monday I'm not too sure. I might go and buy them. Though I'd like to read 'Tbhe Alchemist' by Paul Coelho & 'The Sister's Keeper' by Jodi Picoult first!

As the sore throat heals, first you get a scratchy voice with itchy throat that brings tears to your eyes, followed by a 'sengau' voice with lots of phlegm down your windpipe all the way up to the tip of your nose. Eew, but it's a process.

I'm halfway through the book 'Cleo'. It is taking much more time than needed for Twilight. I started on Monday evening... The story is emotional, with alot of comparisons to cat life interestingly put across, as well as insightful yet funny excerpts that makes you go "ya arh...", so it befuddles me as to why I'm taking so long to complete the book. I guess because I don't see where the book is going. First the author talks about the death of her son, then how the cat came, what happens when she got a new job bla bla bla... What can I say, it's a true life story... There's bound to be unexpected turns of events that you do not expect at all in the start. I thought the story would end when the cat has settled down in the house, since the title of the book is the name of the cat, but since when does life ends just because one issue is done? You seem to be facing one life issue after another (if not a couple of issues all at the same time), until death takes you away...

Anyway, finally Ust Fathurrahman replied my inquiry to sit for the exam I missed last year due to KRC when I decided to sms him. The paper is this Sunday! 8.30am @ Jurong West, very near NTU! And I haven't start studying at all! 2 papers of Tafsir Al-Qur'an 1, and then I have to travel back to Tampines for 2 papers of my Kepimpinan Dalam Islam module. One step done: to dig out my Tafsir notes (I seriously need better organisation in my room with regards to allllllll my poly, madrasah, Fityan, NI and whatnots papers... I need to catalogue them haha. It was a chore looking for my Cell Biology & Molecular Genetic notes in my box of poly notes as they're under the pile of Yr 2 & 3 notes, owwww.

I am very sensitive to cigarette smell. I hate it! It seems to choke around the neck and make your eyes bulge out. The taste that reaches your tongue is a very weird bitter-hacking-kind-of taste, bluek. At the time when there's still pillows and bolsters (and less eruptions of pimples on the face) I'd press my nose and mouth hard into one of them to keep out the cigarette smell as I use the comp in the living room. How glad I am that I've a laptop now and can confine myself in the room. Now, this is another reason I don't watch tv...

Hmmm.... For less fortunate people who don't have opportunities readily knocking on their door every few months, they go out and look for the opportunities. And so, wherever they are, they'd be thinking, "What's next?" and planning for it. I like to keep my options open. I like to know that there are options. Without options, it feels like I've reached a dead end. But I won't narrow down the options, until the time comes when it is absolutely necessary to do so. In a way, I simply wait for the wave to hit me and bring me where I'm 'meant' to be next, yet I like to keep a lookout for all the waves that are coming towards me, as far as I can see...

Yeah, as I was thinking about this, Fityan STC talked about it. What's next for STC? I'm not too interested since I'm still new to it, yet I like knowing there's somewhere to go next. I would be getting older year after year afterall, I can't be in a youth comm anymore, though I guess it's nice to stay involved in the youth scene. There's so much you can and need to do, still.

More importantly was the question to ponder upon, where do you see yourself in 3 years time? I dunno! Many many things can happen in 3 years. Just within 1 year, this year, I was in poly, doing SIP/MP, afterwhich I graduated, and then faced joblessness for awhile, before I started part-time work at Geylang East library and then like a big huge wave hitting me, I got carried to NIE. That's just the main skeleton, not to mention my days and weeks and months filled with different activities and... 'changes'. Changes in obsession, for one, haha. But I guess this year is like this because it's the crossroad... This 'eventful' year won't be repeating until about 8 years down the road when I finish my bond with NIE, and may not decide to continue. As I said, I like keeping my options open ;)

Ok, better be going. Have got lots to do before Maghrib~! Minutes and studying for exams mainly :P

I'm genuinely surprised to see two people (Ustazah & someone I don't know by the name of Kiran) following this blog and Nazihah tagging. Hmm... I wonder if I'd just been oblivious before this or did these surprising surprises just happened today *shrugs*

Anyway... yes my obsession with Twilight has yet to die down. It has totally replaced my obsession of facebook. Hmm... I'm currently reading Twilight back on the parts I skipped earlier, plus downloading the movie and soundtracks and trying to convert them to fit my MP4, I have an inkling it's full already... But NO, I'm not deleting my nasyids for Twilight. Gotta be firm with that!! No matter how much I delve myself into these fantasies, reality shall have to remain reality and in reality I'm a Muslim. My prayers, Qur'an recitations, principles, dress, adab, nasyids etc should remain. If Twilight have to fit into my life, it gotta squeeze into whatever spaces there's left. I should get over it soon.... Right?? It's a TEENAGE LOVE story revolving around VAMPIRES and WEREWOLVES la seyyyyy. I'm feeling abit old for that :S

Ok, apart from Twilight trying to take over my life (and it has to a certain extent, unfortunately), I still go out and attend meetings, meet friends etc.

Had GESL (Group Endeavours Service Learning) on Monday. Alhamdulillah, the heritage race went on pretty satisfactorily. Just as I thought it's over, though, we have to do the reflections and peer appraisal. I'm glad I'm not one of the drivers, otherwise I'd be busy compiling the documents now...

So anyway, my group did the heritage race for chronically ill kids from Club Rainbow. I was there for the briefing to listen to what each kid suffers from low IQ to slowness to cleft lip to eczema to lupus to epilepsy to arthritis. It rather breaks your heart to see them looking healthy on the outside yet knowing what ails them inside. Most of them were very cheerful, some were playful and mischievous, some quiet and shy, a few trying hard to grab your attention. They really looked normal, most of them! Some are supposed to already be in secondary school level but they've been retained in primary school...

It makes you happy seeing them smile though. And it is rather easy to make most of them smile :) Sweet kids.... I pray for them goodness, that whatever comes their way is made easy for them and their families...

Oh, in my attempt to lead life as normal as possible (to jab into my head that no vampires or werewolves exist in this world of mine, for I do have a strong sense of imagination hehe) I went for meeting at Bro Hamid's house this morning with Kak Maryam. Aniq is forever charming and handsome, though dirtily handsome today, putting my pens in his mouth and more. And Nur Sakinah is so lovely.... Even if she did vomit out the milk onto my hand and pants and poo pooed about 5 times haha. I'm sure there'll be more meetings at Bro Hamid's house... So, I'm soooo gonna watch this little princess grow! And learn abit about handling babies from Bro Hamid & Kak Marliana, and maybe cooking also from Kak Marliana & Sheela hehe. Did you know babies cry differently to indicate the different things they want? Try youtube it! :P

I went to Courts with my mum as well today after meeting, and got myself a Samsung ST_45 camera! I'm loving it ;) Cost me quite abit, and so I hope I can claim it from LDS, which I still have over $300! I don't know why I'm unable to access the claims page though, urgh!!! I thought after spending over $100 on Twilight books and two other books, I'd have a rein on myself. Apparently NOT. And right now my phone line has finished it's 3 yrs contract, I wanna change to student plan! I'm not in need of a phone but since I'm getting a new line, might as well right? Hmm...

My mum brought up something interesting, and funny this afternoon. She admitted to me, wondering if she had looked as childlike as I do when she got married at 21 plus. Haha. Yes, I'm turning 21 this Feb! So fast.... But no, I can't get married yet. I think I'd only be able to safely get married without disrupting my bond with MOE so much after I graduate from NIE at 25. Hmmm...

Speaking of marriage, can I request my future husband to play "A River Flows in You" by Yiruma on the piano pleaseeeeeeee? That is one song that can make me smile to sleep, apart from one of the Final Fantasy piano pieces and a few other pieces.... Of course not a priority hehe, but it's an added plus heh ;) Ok dah, stop it eh with your fantasies Marl!!

Am going NIE tomorrow afternoon with Jamie. Now that's one girl who can play piano really well. I wonder if she can teach me to play the songs patiently enough hehe. No larh, I prefer listening to playing the piano...

Hmm, have alot of catch-ups to do! Meeting and CPR with Fityan peeps this Sat, usrah with Ustazah Sakinah & Liyana this Sun, movie date with Siti this coming Monday, birthday celebration with Abg on Tuesday most likely, Science Centre cum Body World outing with Harizah & Mahmudah on Wednesday, cycling at ECP with Maizura & Bio peeps on Friday, Minds Cafe with Ulam Raja peeps on 15th, and off I go for spiritual uplifting on 19th-25th followed by Alkaff Teenz Camp on 26th-27th.

NIE results out on 21st. School reopening on 8th Jan. I have madrasah exams on 13th & 20th Dec. And I have Biodiversity assignment and GESL reflections due very very soon. Should be doing them now, hmmmm...

Just for the record... I started reading Twilight Saga on Wednesday night around 9 or 10pm after my last paper and woo hoo I've just finished all 4 books! :D Missing alot of sleep in between of course, but it's worth it. I was just not able to sleep! Page-turning....

Yet, I cheated hehe. On Sunday night I started reading the draft of Midnight Sun on the official Stephenie Meyer's site (yet managing to finish my revision for General Chem paper!) till wherever it stopped, after catching the movie played on Star Movies. I was hoooooooked! So after getting the books on Wednesday, I started halfway in Twilight where the story stops in Midnight Sun. Of course I found Bella's thoughts boring after that haha but still, the plot for Twilight was interesting, so was it throughout the books.

Then, for New Moon, I read a few chapters after finishing Twilight on Thursday morning and went to catch the movie with my brother. So apparently, when I returned to the book, I skipped abit and started reading back from when Bella jumped off the cliff, the starting of the climax.

Eclipse... I wennt through it all and I loved it best I think :D

As for Breaking Dawn, I skipped majority of Jacob's part, just reading here and there where there's conversation to understand roughly what is going on. The book was so thick, and I was eager to reach the end haha!

Can't wait to catch New Moon again at the movies again, eventhough I kind of do not agree with Kirsten being Bella (and neither am I comfortable with the too-many-kissing-scenes). She seems out of character uhh... I think Alice fits the best followed by Charlie and then Jacob haha. The rest were ok...

Speaking of movies, I wonder how the director is going to take up the challenge of shooting Breaking Dawn. Seriously!

I looooooooove fantasy books ;) Charmed, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Tamora Pierce's books, Juliet Marillier's books and Twilight are the main ones. Of course I've come across some other indovisual books, not in series form, that are from the fantasy genre which I enjoy just as much.

I'm going on to read some real life stories, but I'm sure I'd be back to fantasy soon enough! I need to get away from the realities of life. Though I think Twilight took me away too much. I was too engrossed in it seh! Losing sleep like that and all. The lack of sleep made me zombie-like. There's nothing I seem able to think of other than Twilight 24/7. And you can see how blood-drained my arms, face and lips (and I'm sure the rest of the body as well for that matter!) whenever I wake up from short bouts of sleep I managed to take hehe.

Gotta get back to real life for awhile before filling in the gaps I cheated on!! GESL... science Centre... Camps...

I am suddenly in love with Twilight :)

Oh, I feel that Bella looks abit like Hermione...

Anyway, I'm so getting the book, and if I can, I'd wanna catch New Moon in the movies.

Oh, I got this from wikipedia, and I guess this particular theme is what I enjoyed most from Twilight:
Other major themes of the series include choice and free will.[11][18] Meyer says that the books are centered around Bella's choice to choose her life on her own, and the Cullens' choices to abstain from killing rather than follow their temptations: "I really think that's the underlying metaphor of my vampires. It doesn't matter where you're stuck in life or what you think you have to do; you can always choose something else. There's always a different path."[18]

Anda tau apa yang saya inginkan pada saat ini?

Saya ingin bersiar-siar atau jika boleh, bermusafir sekalipun, buat beberapa hari untuk menenangkan fikiran dan mencari kembali diri saya yang sebenar. Saya rasa saya telah kehilangannya dalam keghairahan saya menikmati kebebasan selepas SIP.

Hmm... Macam Sufi pulak. Ehh tak tak, ia tak terlintas dalam fikiran saya pun sebelum ini.

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Petang tadi saya berpeluang untuk menziarahi kedai Muslimedia di Bussorah Street/Kandahar Street (err... saya kurang pasti yang mana sebetulnya). Berasa sungguh seronok sekali melihat buku-buku di situ. Namun ketika membelek buku-buku di situ, saya mendapati saya hanya mempunyai wang cukup untuk 2 buah buku sahaja... Satu di antaranya ialah untuk tugasan DPI iaitu buku Kitab Fikah Mazhab Syafie Jilid 6. Yang satu lagi, saya mendapati amat sukar untuk mencari buku yang benar-benar penting buat saya dan harganya bersesuaian dengan bajet saya. Setiap buku yang saya belek begitu menarik, tetapi saya terpaksa meletakkannya kembali ke rak-rak buku kerana saya tahu sekalipun saya membelinya, saya tidak akan mempunyai masa untuk membacanya. Di rumah sahaja, saya mempunyai sekurang-kurangnya 3-5 buku yang saya ingin membacanya. Hmm...

Akhirnya buku yang saya pilih adalah buku 9 cara Praktis Menghafal Al-Qur'an... Sebabnya, saya rindu menghafal surah-surah didalam kitab suci. saya sudah meninggalkan amalan ini sejak meninggalkan madrasah separuh masa peringkat menengah lebih dari setahun yang lalu. Tentu sekali ini masa yang lama dan apa yang telah saya hafal pun kebanyakkannya sudah pudar dalam ingatan. Sedih sekali. Terasa iri mendengar teman-teman di NI telah pun menghafal dan mentasmi' bacaan dari belakang hingga Surah Baiyyinah... Sehinggakan terasa tidak berani menghadiri Qur'an Circle kerana rasanya tidak mampu dapat mengejap mereka. Memang hendak seribu daya tak hendak seribu dalih. Entahlah, saya cuma meragukan kemampuan saya. Maklum juga mereka kebanyakkan/semua adalah daripada madrasah sepenuh masa, saya ini hanyalah daripada madrasah separuh masa. Hafal pun tak silap hingga Surah Al-A'la sahaja. Dan sungguh, apa yang telah dihafal sudah dilupakan. Mudah-mudahan dengan adanya buku baru ini, saya akan dapat membulatkan tekad untuk mengharungi cabaran yang saya letakkan pada diri saya sendiri. Memang banyak yang telah mencabar diri saya, tetapi saya selalu gagal dan mengecewakan diri saya sendiri. Ini tentu sekali menjejaskan keyakinan diri saya. Mungkin saya perlu mengecilkan skop cabaran buat diri saya, semoga dapat dicapai.

Hmm... Mendangar suara hati saya ini, sepertinya saya perlu membaca buku Jangan Bersedih yang saya beli tahun lepas. Agak lama sudah saya memiliki buku itu tetapi tidak sempat mengkhatamnya lagi.

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Saya tidak sabar untuk membaca buku-buku yang saya ada. Saya akan bermula dengan buku Fikah tadi secepat mungkin supaya dapat menyelesaikan tugasan sebelum tarikh penghantaran tugasan.

Saya tidak sabar untuk memulakan praktikal memandu. Esok juga saya akan membuat janji.

Saya tidak sabar untuk menyelesaikan pendaftaran ke universiti tempatan. Esok saya akan ke sekolah untuk menyediakan dokumen-dokumen yang perlu dihantar.

Saya tidak sabat untuk setiap perkhemahan yang akan diadakan dalam bulan Mac ini. Esok saya perlu menghadiri mesyuarat untuk satu perkhemahan itu. Perkhemahan yang lain, saya hanya perlu menghadirinya sebagai peserta.

Saya tidak sabar untuk chalet bersam kelas politeknik. Saya akan cuba untuk meluangkan masa untuk membantu membeli makanan buat chalet itu, untuk memastikan ia halal.

Saya tidak sabar untuk keluar bersama teman-teman yang sudah agak lama tidak bersua muka. Jumaat ini saya akan bermula dengan temujanji bersama Siti.

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Saya bersama amat gembira sekali! Pada saat yang sama, saya juga berasa risau dan takut dan sedih... Dan kecewa. Gundah-gulana betul.

Tak mengapalah ini hanya suatu fasa buat waktu ini. Ia akan berlalu. Doakan saya mendapat ketenangan ya? Semoga doa itu untuk awak juga!

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OH, terlupa pula saya ingin mengucapkan terima kasih kepada seorang kakak ini yang telah membelikan saya dua buku sebelum ini yaitu buku The Meaning of the holy Qur'an dan buku Summarized Sahih Al-Bukhari Arabic-English. Dan beliau juga telah memberikan sedikit wang dan wang itulah yang saya gunakan untuk membeli kedua-dua buku yang disebut diatas. Semoga Allah memurahkan rezekimu dan mendapat ganjaran setimpalnya (atau lebih) atas pemberian yang sungguh bermakna ini.

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Saya ingin memenuhi setiap hari saya dengan baik. Sudah waktunya saya berhenti membuang masa, namun ya... ia akan mengambil sedikit masa buat saya berubah. Saya masih lagi ingin bermain-main =) Darah mudalah katakan! ;)

I wonder, how does one be a pillar of strength for others when he/she has hardly any strength left?

Procrastination is a killer I tell you. A downright plain murderer. I'm about to be one of it's victims, again.

But, I tried. I tried not to procrastinate. Not working. It's part of me now and I hate it.

My subconscious mind tells me I'm lazy, stupid and selfish :(

You know what? I'm just wasting my time. I'll be back with cheer insyaAllah. It makes me feel worst talking about how lazy, stupid and selfish I am. Lemme go think of more beautiful things. Goodnight. No worries, I'll be fine. I'll get through this, insyaAllah.

I just wonder, do I seem like a hypocrite to you? Nauzubillahi min zalik.

You know, once you start typing you can't stop. (And how I wish this is the case when I write my report.)

I feel bad. I feel worst when I finished reading 'Musafir Cinta' by Taufiqurrahman al-Azizy. I envy Iqbal Maulana. I feel so low. I feel so little. I feel so insignificant. I want to be like a person such as him, loving Allah with all his heart, helping his fellow brothers and sisters who've strayed to find the right path back, reading and memorizing the holy Qur'an and uttering His words to others to jolt them of the truth and to remind them what is right and what is wrong, remembering and following Rasulullah s.a.w's actions and words and instructions, ever ready to accept anything and give anything in the name of Allah, being so pure, so... I'm envious of a person such like Iqbal Maulana.

Hari Asyura... Will my sins of the past year be forgiven? SubhanakAllahumma... Ya Allah, I plead with you for my past sins to be forgiven. I plead with you, the Creator of all creations, to lead my family and I to the right path. And I plead with you too, may we die a death of a Muslim who remembers you and utters your name before the roh is lifted, may we die as pure as when we were born. I plead with you, O Allah the Most forgiving, the Most Powerful, to whom we shall return to. I plead with you, for the safety and peace of my brothers and sisters in Gaza, may they be able to live their lives pleasantly in worship of you or go to you in the state of purest of the pure. May to those suffering right now, you grant them much peace and happiness in the hereafter. O Allah the Almighty, I am but just one of your many humble servants. I am scared of your wrath, yet I hope for your goodness O Allah. For all the goodness you've given me and my family, that all these while I, your shameless servant, has forgotten to thank you for, now I do. All praise be upon You, the Owner of the whole universe. Alhamdulillahi rabb al-amin...

I'm worried, very worried, and I pray to you ya Allah to ease this worry inside me. I, who is such a shameless servant, pray to you and ask you, the Most High, to help me lighten the burden laid upon me and to ease the tasks that lie ahead of me...

"I Begged Them to Kill Me." This book is an important and moving document of suffering we thought we had heard and known all about. The anonymous women speak of the unspeakable--of rape, torture, enslavement, forced pregnancy, the selling of women as slaves. Forced pregnancies so that they may bear a Serb child and contaminate the Muslim lineage! The stories are heart wrenching and just painful to read, but I think they are important for us to remember! I wanted to share some of the stories which were investigated by the "Women's International League for Peace and Freedom" which you can also find here.

"January 23, 1993 – (Hamilton Spectator) During a night of unimaginable horror when she was raped by at least 15 Serb soldiers, Amela, a 25-year-old Bosnian, had no doubt why she'd been singled out for such bestiality."Because I am a Muslim," the married, red-haired woman says simply. "Their aim was to humiliate me, to make me lose my honor, to prove that they're the masters and they can rape and kill you just as they please. We are like their slaves."Now she feels her life, quite literally, is ruined. It is only the thought of her two-year-old son that stops Amela from killing herself."I try to be brave, but without even thinking about it, I just feel a physical urge to throw myself in front of a car or a train."

Selecting their victims by the light of matches, the Serb irregulars led Amela off with a knife to her throat. She thinks the men were under orders to rape because, when she begged to be let go, her Serb tormentor replied: "I can't. I have to."She was raped twice, let go briefly, then led back into a pitch-black room where she was brutally raped for hours on a cement floor.She estimates at least 20 other women were gang-raped during the night, including a 15-year-old and a woman already nine months pregnant.The next day the entire group of 60 was dumped in a forest. They made their way to Travnik, in Muslim and Croat hands. From there Amela went to Zagreb, the Croatian capital, where she was reunited with the female members of her family and now lives on charity.Although she escaped pregnancy or sexually-transmitted diseases, her Gynecologist says she suffered permanent internal damage. Her period also stopped last August, due to shock, her doctor says."I try to forget about it, but it's impossible to forget," says Amela, breaking into tears for the first time in an hour and a half of reciting her story in a clear, strong voice."I was raised in a religious Muslim family. Now I have lost my honor."Deeply depressed, she says "sometimes I cry during the night. I can't sleep. I have nightmares." She longs to be reunited with her husband and return totheir three-storey house, as long as there are no Serbs in the neighborhood."

There were thousands of such women, who were helpless and were forced to bear 'their' children. In fact, my mother had been asked to adopt some - but refused for obvious reasons. Imagine, although it is quite un-imaginable, how it feels to be forced to carry a child, give birth to it, and remain scard for the rest of your life. Imagine what this does to a mother?!? I can't…I cannot possible begin to imagine what it must have been like and I thank Allah each and every day that I have not been one of those women and girls. We have to remind ourselves, how fortunate we are!

They raped girls of only 6 years of age, pregnant women and elder women - it did not make a difference to these bastards! The unimaginable stories that resulted from them just horrify me! An elder lady was telling her experience, and she saw a pregnant woman being taken away and raped, after they were done they opened her up and took out her twins. They killed the babies in front of the mother and then slit her throat as well.

Taken from http://theidealmuslimah.blogspot.com/2008/12/rape-weappon-of-mass-humiliation.html

It's just so sad...

The book that I was reading during lunch and on the way back, that fell when I got hit, that I continued at hospital, that I continued on the car ride back and that I finished last night instead of resting haha. (Couldn't rest initially 'cause was scared I wouldn't wake up, and because of the sting. But it's so nice to sleep hehe. Glad I didn't dream of the accident, I think. And I slept on my arm, and when I woke up there was like no pain. want sleep somemore later hehe)

Anyway, this is the book talking about filial piety, about true love, about how hatred and greed destroys the heart, soul and body and many more amongst the fantasy twists of the tale. As much as it is ridiculous, about witches, about friendly bears, about cats turning to man, about man being able to swim through earth like a faery tale, it is as true as the lives some of us go through.

Who says Muslims can't read what some people term 'non-Islamic' books, especially fantasy ones? I'm not giving hukum here of course, who am I seh... Belajar agama pon part time je. But in my opinion, it is not wrong AS LONG AS you know what's right and what's wrong, and you hold strongly to your faith and your principles and don't let it sway with what you read, and you take the positive values you can learn from it!

And the book shouldn't distract you from your routines as a Muslim, requires self-discipline and which I rather lack. Once I put my face into a book, I can read it back to back till it's finished and sacrifice sleep and food. Books bring me to a different world and I get so absorbed in it, I dunno what happens around me. I ever read till I missed Buona Vista station and not just once I pulled myself away from the book in time at Commonwealth ish ish.

Back to the book.. It's interesting how the author fits faery tales, as they call it, inside. Little Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Rapunzel, Hansel and Gretel, Jack & the Beanstalk, Goldilock's and the Three Bears, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and the Seven dwarves and Rumpelstiltskin. But they're mostly twisted. It's a different tale from what we heard off. For one, it all shows that humans are bad creatures, which is sometimes true in reality!

Two 'messages' I gathered, which I didn't expect, is what the book says about greed, the failure to feel satisfied with what one has and about protecting your name. The greed one is more obvious, but the hidden part is how the author fits it nicely into the story on how when you've seen love, you want more love, when you've seen wealth, you want more wealth and when you've seen true beauty, you'll go to all means to see something like it again. And about the concept of protecting your name is totally different from how a Muslim view it la. But what do lit people call it? Can't really remember the terms... Metaphor is it? Haha I dunno.

I'm loving lit again! Taking my own time and embracing the concepts in my own style. Hehe, makes me feel like opening my lit books again, but maybe later... Haha. I've got my SIP logbook and MP workbook to fill in! Which would take more than a day I'm sure! Okaes, I've fulfilled my promises here, now I shall do what I'm supposed to do!

Last note: Iqra'! Iqra' bismirabbikallazikhalaq! Read! Read in the name of your Lord who has created!

Al-Alaq (The Clot)

1. Read! In the Name of your Lord, Who has created (all that exists),

2. Has created man from a clot (a piece of thick coagulated blood).

3. Read! And your Lord is the Most Generous,

4. Who has taught (the writing) by the pen [the first person to write was Prophet Idrees (Enoch)],

5. Has taught man that which he knew not.

6. Nay! Verily, man does transgress all bounds (in disbelief and evil deed, etc.).

7. Because he considers himself self-sufficient.

8. Surely! Unto your Lord is the return.

9. Have you (O Muhammad ()) seen him (i.e. Ab� Jahl) who prevents,

10. A slave (Muhammad ()) when he prays?

11. Tell me, if he (Muhammad ()) is on the guidance (of All�h)?

12. Or enjoins piety?

13. Tell me if he (the disbeliever, Ab� Jahl) denies (the truth, i.e. this Qur'�n), and turns away?

14. Knows he not that All�h does see (what he does)?

15. Nay! If he (Ab� Jahl) ceases not, We will catch him by the forelock,

16. A lying, sinful forelock!

17. Then, let him call upon his council (of helpers),

18. We will call the guards of Hell (to deal with him)!

19. Nay! (O Muhammad ())! Do not obey him (Ab� Jahl). Fall prostrate and draw near to All�h!

From the holy Qur'an as translated in http://www.dar-us-salam.com/TheNobleQuran/surah96.html.

Oh, just another note to add o to that last sentence:

Ayats (verses) Requiring Sajda-e-Tilawat

1. Surah Al A'Raf (7) Ayat 206
2. Surah Al Ra'd (13) Ayat 15
3. Surah Al Nahl (16) Ayat 50
4. Surah Bani Israil (17) Ayat 109
5. Surah Maryum (19) Ayat 58
6. Surah Al Haj (22) Ayat 18
7. Surah Al Haj (22) Ayat 77 (Shafi)
8. Surah Al Farqan (25) Ayat 60
9. Surah Al Naml (27) Ayat 26
10. Surah As Sajdah (32) Ayat 15
11. Surah Sa'd (38) Ayat 24 (Hanafi)
12. Surah Hamim Sajdah (41) Ayat 38
13. Surah Al Najam (53) Ayat 62
14. Surah Inshiqaq (84) Ayat 21
15. Surah Al Alaq (96) Ayat 19


HOW TO PERFORM SAJDA-E-TILAWAT

Sajda Tilaawat will be performed like a normal Sajda. Wudhu is a condition.

There is no Sajdah Tilaawat when the Aayat of Sajdah is heard on tape.

Face the Qiblah and without raising the hands, recite Takbeer (Allaahu Akbar), going down in the Sajda position. In Sajda, recite Subhaana rabbiyal a'alaa at least 3 times. Thereafter, reciting the Takbeer if you wish to. If you wish, you may arise from the Sajda position into the Tashahhud position. The Sajdah Tilaawat is now complete. There is no need for Salaam.

From http://www.tariqjamil.org/Forum/quran/ayats-(verses)-requiring-sajda-e-tilawat/0/

Good day all! May peace be upon us all :D

I foresee that this post will be long hehe. And I've checked that my internet and the autosave system is working fine :) I hope it will be till this post is safely posted. Ok, here goes!

Thoughts. Reflects the state of the mind and the body. Reflects the overall mental, spiritual, physical wellbeing of a person. Thoughts can be power because thoughts are the drive the pulls or pushes.

Why in the world am I talking about thoughts?

Firstly, it's because I recently completed the book titled "Book of a Thousand Days" by Shannon Hale. Ok I have to admit that the wolf part and the sing-to-heal part is rather ridiculous. But it is afterall a fantasy book. But apart from those two fantasy parts, the book tells of a story that sounds really real and possible. The book tells of obedience, of loyalty, of friendship, of love, of sacrifices and of hikmah. (What's hikmah in English eh? I've always thought wisdom can't really describe it all) And the book is in diary-form, meaning that it goes to the thoughts of the protagonist. (Somehow I feel like I'm writing a literature homework lol. I never was really good at it.) And it is just... personal and enables readers to connect and feel the emotions as if firsthand. Trust me, the emotions that the book evoked in me lasted at least 2 days. The feelings of misery, of hope, of fear, of happiness, of content, of disappointment, of fulfilment etc etc. "Book of a Thousand Days" is just the kind of book I enjoy. Fantasy yet filled with real life values and at the same time evokes all kinds of feelings in me. Great book, a must read.

What's even greater is that it inspires me to write a book. Not just any book, but a diary-like book of experiences. Not of any kind of experiences, but that of a Muslim youth in Singapore :D In English.

What, isn't a blog enough? Well, let's just say that I don't include all in my blog. It feels too personal to simply post it on the world wide web to let the whole world read.

But what difference does a book make? Wouldn't the whole world still read it? My answer is: maybe not. Come on, who would wanna publish a book written by a nobody like me? Who would read my book? (But then again though, all writers started as no one and there's people like Anne Frank who got her book/diary published for all to know what it was like being a young Jewish girl in Frankfurt during the German Occupation.) The book can be a gift to someone special passed on to generations of special people, in my hope to leave a tiny legacy, an ilmu that can be a benefit to others even till long after my death. Yes I will die one day. Everyone does. But not everyone leaves a legacy. Some leaves a name, but what point is it to leave behind your name. Leaving a legacy would benefit both the writer and the reader, insyaAllah.

It has always been my dream to write a book. But all the ideas that sparked either didn't start at all or simply just stopped in mid-writing. I believe there's no originality in all my stories. All cliche. So I stopped. But if it's a story of real life, then there's bound to be surprises and unexpected turns here and there. That's just how life is. And I believe my English is substantial enough. Maybe not equipped with a vast vocabulary, but at least my grammar is not bad and my style of writing is more or less easy to comprehend, though maybe a bit long-winded at times. Oh well *shrugs*

(I've got 2 title ready. As in I can't decide which. "A Book of Thoughts" or "Journey of Purpose" just like my blog.

Speaking of dreams, I have other dreams. Some really BIG dreams. Some small. Some general. Some personal. Some special. But mostly my dreams are long-term and would take alot of effort and a looooooong time to well... become reality.

Just to share one of the dreams I have which I wish to realise. I dream to be able to speak fluent Arabic and Mandarin, and read and write as well. These 2 languages have appealed to me as early as around primary 3. And I think my vocab just keeps expanding. Slooooowwwly though, I must add. I think I've got a new strategy. See how. I'll probably take 10 years to study the 'textbooks' I'd chosen hehe.

I got thinking about dreams, and choices, after I watched High School Musical 3 with my brother last night. Not the most suitable company to be watching HSM3 with haha, considering how looooooong ago he stopped formal studies. Wanted to watch with Jamie and Ad, but well, I guess I couldn't wait. With Jamie and Ad, we'll perhaps catch another movie aite? Like the dog cartoon movie, bolt I think. Or or there's another movie, erm also about dogs, it's a dog named Chloe hehe, maybe can ask Chloe, my friend - not the dog, along.

So anyway, HSM3 talks about dreams, aspirations, passion, friendship, graduation, separation, achievement etc. I'll be graduating soon, insyaAllah, and these similar thoughts frequently cross my mind. I'm still not so sure of the BIG dreams I have, of my aspirations and ambitions. I have a few in mind but I have no idea which I'd feel most at ease with doing. I wanna do something fun, yet challenging enough, and interactive but certainly beneficial to myself and/or the community. We'll see. I'll keep thinking till February comes. As for friendship and separation, I dunno... I've seen, sometimes separation does adverse negative things to a person. Though I doubt I'll go in that direction. I mean, so far I take 'moving on' in step rather easily. Afterall, I had to separate with friends many times in my life. Some of whom I totally lose contact with, which is rather sad actually. And I doubt I'll be going overseas, even if I do think about it sometimes, so separation is not really a matter lah. Achievement. This word probably means different things to different people. Myself, I categorise my achievements, if you can say so. I dunno. I don't think I achieved much in poly. Maybe the first year was fine, perfectly how I want it to be. But I slacked too much followig that, changed my lifestyle and even my principles. Haiz... It is something to sigh about really... Choices. I feel like I'm reaching a crossroad soon. There's so many possibilities to choose from! I'll choose when I have to haha.

A looong entry indeed. Just sharing my thoughts out loud. I wish I can talk as fluently as I type lol. Really, I stutter a lot actually while talking. I dunno, my brain and my mouth just can't work in unison. But my fingers are definitely in perfect tune and harmony with my mind hehe.

P.S. HSm3 really makes me wanna be involved in theatre again! Lucky Bolton, gets to get all he wants: Gabriella, basketball AND theatre. In real life though, more often than not, you'll be asked to question your priorities, make choices and face the consequences of certain sacrifices you just gotta make.

K dahh, toodles~

Finished Meg Cabot's Valentine Princess in slightly over an hour. Not much of princessy stuff.

And found this on youtube:

Lurlene MacDaniel never fails to make my eyes swell red with tears. This time the book not only tells of death as most of her other books does, but it also tells of life. Wonderful story. Makes me feel like wanting to learn the flute

Shaykh `Aa’id Abdullah al-Qarnee
Don’t Be Sad

An intelligent and skillful person transforms losses into profits; whereas the unwise and the unskilled aggravates his own predicament, making two disasters out of one.

The Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) was compelled to quit Makkah and he stayed at Madeenah – the city that took its place in history with lightning speed.

Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal was imprisoned, severely tortured and flogged, yet he emerged triumphant, becoming the Imam of the Sunnah.

Imam ibn Taymiyah was put into prison; he came out an even more accomplished scholar. Imam As-Sarakhsi was kept as prisoner at the bottom of a deserted well and he managed therein to produce twenty volumes on Islamic jurisprudence. Ibn Atheer became crippled, and thereafter, he wrote Jamee` al-Usool wa an-Nihayah, one of the most famous books on the Science of Hadith. Imam ibn al-Jawzi was banished from Baghdad. He then mastered in the seven different ways of reading the Qur’an. Maalik ibn ar-Rayb was on his deathbed when he recited his most famous and beautiful poem competing the poetical works of the poets of the Abbasid period, and is appreciated until this day. When Abi Dhu’aib al-Hadhali’s children died before him, he eulogized them with a poem that the world listened to and admired and became integral part of the history.

Therefore, if you are afflicted with a misfortune, look on the bright side. If someone were to hand you a glass full of squeezed lemons, add to it a handful of sugar. And if someone gives you a snake as a gift, keep its precious skin and leave the rest.

“And it may be that you dislike a thing that is good for you…” (Qur’an 2.-216)

Before its violent revolution, France imprisoned two brilliant poets: one an optimist, the other a pessimist. Both of them looked through the bars of their respective cell windows. The optimist stared at the stars and laughed, while the pessimist looked at the dirt of a neighbouring road and wept. Look at the other side of a tragedy - a circumstance of pure evil does not exist, and in all situations one can find goodness and victory and reward from Allah.

Thank you for sharing Sharifah. It's a source of motivation for me!