There's soooo much I wanna say tapi tak dapat ku luahkan kerana ia tidak patut diketahui sesiapa pun. Ia rahsia hanya buatku ketahui. (though I do wish I can share with someone, but I won't even tell my mum, why would anyone else know can? hanya Dia sahaja yang tau...)

Feeling rather... I dunno... Ad and I term it as depression, but I'm not sure if it's the right word. (And at the same time, I can't put one exact term to my feelings anyway, since there's so many feelings berkecamuk around everywhere)

How would you like to have your whole body numbed and turned to lie on your side, and as much as you try to jerk your limbs, you can't move? I felt that before, under somekind of sleeping paralysis. But at least I 'woke up' after that and am still ALIVE today..

But how would you like, after not being able to move at all, to have your eyelids pushed down to almost pop your eyes out and then have a glass tube inserted into the side of your eye near your nose, and not only that, when it's in, it pushes onto your blood vessel till it breaks and blood oozes out before your eyes get pinched shut.

Just as you thought the ordeal was over (eventhough you can't feel anything, you wish you could just run away and hide somewhere), you are made to lie on your back and a needle is inserted from your lowest rib-bone up your sternum and pierce your heart (as much as you wish for a cupid arrow to hit your heart, you'd never dreamt something sharper would hit you, right?) and you see almost all blood in your body get drained.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, however you put it) your wish to simply vanish comes true as another needle is inserted into your heart again and this time you feel some fluid get flowed through it and before you know it, you get sleepier and sleepier and never to wake up again...

That is how it is like if you were to put yourself into the shoes of a lab mouse. That is how I imagine the mouse 'felt' during LAST lab just now. And as much as I don't want to do it, I would have to for it will be my practical test. Yes, I would have to do that.

It's like an irony that LAST stands for Lab Animal Safety Technique or something like that. Theory and practical are so totally two different things.

Felt like vomiting after lab just now, gosh! Lucky I didn't eat anything for lunch, cept ice-cream (Mat Kool choc tastes nice! thx AD!)

Hmm, as usual, I feel so much burden on my shoulders. Wish I can view it all not asburden, but as opportunity to gain knowledge, tools to achieve my main aim: mardhatillah!

I dunno... Sometimes sincerity fade. And without a sincere heart, things get tough and very challenging. I wonder, is there anyone who truly devotes his life in only ONE aim to achieve His pleasure and so EVERY SINGLE THING he does is ikhlas lillahi taala.

I wish to be like that.

Unfortunately, I can't! Some would say, "Well you're human afterall" but...

Lillahi taala
Lillahi taala
Lillahi taala

Isn't that supposed to be the RIGHT way?

I don't know. Only He knows.

Today is the day I gave my final decision. I had more or less decided last week actually but I dunno, I found it hard to say out and officialise that decision cos making that decision automatically means I've agreed to take on the challenge amd take up all the responsibilities meant for me. -_-

The more others try to convince me, the more unsure I get.

Whatever it is, I've officialised my decision just now.

(Suddenly terpikir, cam gini agaknya perasaan kalau nak kahwin eh?? Waduhh)

Speaking of marriage... My mum ever mentioned, she'd like to see me married by 24 or latest 25, or else I'd be labelled 'andalusia' or more commonly known as 'andatu'!

I'm 19 this year. This leaves me with 5/6 years at most. *gulps* Reminder to self: Time flies REALLY fast these days *double gulps*

My room is berserak as ever. And half of me wanna clean it. But the other half...

1 more week to CPR. Less than 2 weeks to term test (5 PAPERS OK!!!) followed by Camp Xplore faci training. Roughly 3 weeks to Camp Xplore (min target reached alhamdulillah!) and KRC (I have yet to register nih!! Don't leave me!!). Less than 1 month to D'Talk *BIG BIG gulp* (More decisions to make *groans*) About 3-4 more months before it's the end of lectures and tutorials! (for the time being) And then attachment *lub dup lub dup* for I dunno how many months with who at where and all *seramz* And before I know it, I'd be wearing THE robe to officialise my graduation and then... WHAT?

Where do I go next?

Sleepy already... Before I end of, just wanna say two things:

"Ana dah terima. Lillahi taala. Lillahi taala. Lillahi taala. InsyaAllah."

"Hanya kasih dan sayang sanggup kuberi. Cinta hanya untukNya dan RasulNya." - dunno where I heard it...

I must wake up tomorrow determined to accomplish more things....

Pening kepala aku. Pagi2 buta kena marah. Over small things! Whatever I say is wrong and will be used against me. In the early morning tau... Some peace from Subuh prayers and then nag nag scold scold fight fight and the mood of the day is changed. Ishk. Can't we have patience in the house please. HELLO! I'm having term tests in a week's time, is some peace too much to ask for?? If I go out to study with my friends, you'll say I won't end up studying but talking instead. Ya ya, at least I get something into my head. And not like we talk rubbish. At home, I can hardly study. How to focus in this environment?? Understanding pls..

Hai... Got this from a website:

We shall test your faith by means of fear and hunger and loss of wealth and lives and crops, but give good tidings to those who endured with courage, who in hardship say, "To Allah we belong and to Him shall we return." - Qur'an, Al Baqara, Surah 2:155-56



O you who believe! Strengthen yourselves with resolution and prayer. Indeed Allah is with those who persevere in adversity. - Qur'an, Al-Baqara, Surah 2:153



No disaster, unless it has been preordained and recorded in the book of records, can ever befall the earth nor your own selves. Behold, all this is easy enough for Allah. Know this so that you may not despair for the good fortune you lost, nor exult unduly because of the blessings bestowed upon you. Allah does not love the arrogant and the boastful. - Qur'an, Al-Hadid, 57:22-23

http://www.experiencefestival.com/islam_motivation Not one of the best website. I haven't even checked whether the ayat are correct but they give me some peace in the heart so I put them up here.

Anyway, another motivating song, 'Usah Putus Asa'...

Tak tahu disebalik suka dan duka
Ada hikmah yang disediakan olehNYa
Jangan berputus asa bila ia menimpa
Redha dan pasrah itulah lumrah

Mahukah kita semua terus terjatuh
Hingga tiada tempat untuk kita berlabuh
Bukanlah masa untuk kita mengeluh
Bukanlah waktu untuk asyik mengadu

Dari itu jangan berpaling haluan
Ke arah matlamat yang telah kita sasarkan
Masih banyak yang belum kita terokai
Di depan pasti bahagia menanti

*
Teruslah kau terus mencuba
Lupakan segala duka lara
Usah putus asa
Segala dugaan menimpa
Pastikan nanti ada hikmahnya
Usah putus asa

Putus asa bukanlah penyudahnya
Ayuh teruskan langkah serta berwaspada
Mungkin hari ini kita berdiri luka
Esok harap menjadi milik kita semula

Tulisan ini hanya luahan hati
Bukan aku menagih belas simpati
Biar apa pun kehidupan menanti
Sabar menerima ketentuan Ilahi

Kesilapan silam jadikan landasan
Hidup bukan seindah dimpikan
Terus melangkah jangan menoleh lagi
Segala yang dimpikan menjadi pasti

(ulang *)

Kita rentas bersama samudera
Layarkan bahtera harapan dan cita

(ulang *)

Itulah janji dari Ilahi
Jika kau susah diakan pasti
Teruskan mendaki puncak yang tinggi
Capailah impi lukisan hati
Cubalah engkau terus mencuba
Hingga kau tiba ke puncak jaya
Ingatlah kita semua di dunia
Bukan milik kita
Milik yang Esa
Ya milik yang Esa

http://music.ireans.com/title/19137

I thought of puuting in bold the words that apply to me now, but I find that almost the whole song is relevant.

This week has been sooooooo horrible! I'm just so tired and exhausted each night I step home YET I couldn't go to sleep cos I have work to do but I still crawl into bed and 'accidentally' fall asleep anyway (even with the computer still on sometimes hehe) which means that I have to wake up as early as 5am to complete whatever tasks I have. And oh God, I've been late for class like practically everyday since school started lah!

Let's take today as an example...

Startled awake. Solat Isya' (v. bad right...) and Subuh. 'Scribble' MBio tut. Realised something wrong with thumbdrives (but actually the comp) Complete Background Info for AMic mini project Proposal. Brush teeth everything, iron clothes and get ready for school, grabbed a cookie and out! Wait for bus, dang! Forgot hp. Journey to school. MBio lec. Met some friends. MBio tut. Met Nurul to take back Psycho book. PC lab. Attempted to do a proper reference page for AMic proj but short of time. Passed thumbdrive. Had lunch with Rani and Kayathree. Mountain of tauge. Talked, chatted, joked, laughed and err, insulted? Forgot MBio lab at noon not 1pm. Lucky was still with Rani and Kayathree. Rushed. Waited for lift all full. Climbed from lvl 2 to lvl 7. Pants. 2 Practicals in one. Give directions. Super bad stomachache. Long time in toilet. Kayathree came to check. Lab ended. Rushed to Zohor. Was slightly late for AMic lec. Ended early. Went for Asar. Met Sis Raihanah. Realised socks missing. Rushed back to lvl 3. One right in front of the lift. One in LT. Mr Loh thought late, "Lec finish already". Rushed to PC lab for AMic proj. Didn't do much, made things worst and messier actually. Quickly finish up briefly. Realised haven't typed out minutes for Abchm proj and it's due today! Showed Mr Loh AMic proj. Said ok. Rushed to take key for MS03. Fell on stairs. Bruise boo hoo. Fifi already took key. Felt like crying. Rushed to MS03. Went to library. Met Kak Maryam, Shikin n Nyzah. Typed out minutes. Forgot to bring cashcard. Asked Nyzah for cashcard or paper. Got 2 paper from her frriend. Thx. In the end, printed at Design printing shop. Ran to AS to hand in HFLA and minutes. Met Raudah and Kak Maryam. Ran back to MS03. Joined characterisation. Couldn't get into character. So distracted. Watched others practice. Joined Pentas main-comm's discussion. Props!! Artistic... Joined Titisan back. Acted for awhile. End of training. Went Srisun. Full. Went Al-Kader. Mee kuah. Jokes. DKK. Irritated. Went home. Tired. Exhausted. Sleepy. Sheesh!

Ok, it's almost a cycle everyday. Yesterday was pretty much just as bad. Had Abchm meeting. Had NI meeting. KFC.

It feels like each day is divided into parts. Part 1: Lessons. Part 2: Breaks. Part 3: Projects. 4: Titisan training. 5: Late dinners. You get me la yar.

Tomorrow Deepavali... Thought I could sleep in till noon or something but have Titisan training then have jalan raya. *Yawn*

This vicious cycle will continue... AMic proposal by Friday. Pentas training everyday. Need find props. Pentas next Friday. AMic lab proj. Abchm PBL. MCT and MBio I'm pretty much lost. NI events. Ni Fityan belom lagi ni tau.

Dah dah, tak ble angkat ar, ngantok!!!!