This was what I shared with some friends about pesantren, and I'd like to document it here...

Pesantren kilat was organised by MHDS (psst,it stands for Moral Human Development Society, check out http://www.facebook.com/reqs.php?bcode=Q1rU5&fcode=6739486a4&f=1164340433#!/pages/MHDS-Youths/116578921718982 and http://www.facebook.com/reqs.php?bcode=Q1rU5&fcode=6739486a4&f=1164340433#!/pages/Moral-Human-Development-Society/137609558611 ). This year is the second time running. Last year I was a participant, this year jadi faci pulak. Alhamdulillah for the opportunity...

Oh, yup the pesantren is one week long, from Sat 18th 2pm till Sat 25th 9pm. Like last year, it was held at Masjid Pertempatan Melayu Sembawang, a great secluded place in Singapore that cuts you off from reality throughout the camp to truly mengabdikan diri kepada Allah swt dan menanam cinta pada Allah swt dan Rasulullah saw melalui ibadah-ibadah harian. Pesantren Kilat ni juga mengajar kita untuk mnghormati dan menghargai guru kita, ibubapa kita dan kawan-kawan kita...

The pesantren memang tak banyak games like we have at Fityan camps. Rather the daily schedule works around the ibadah-ibadah wajib dan sunnah. So, daily, it goes something like this:
0400-0430: Wake-up call and wash-up (siapa yang dah ready kumpul di msjid berselawat beramai-ramai sambil menunggu imam)
0430-0530: Solat Sunat Tahajjud 2 rakaat, Taubat 2 rakaat and Witr 3 rakaat semua berjemaah diselang-seli dengan zikir munajat mengikut buku ‘Excellence and Secrets of the Night Vigil Volume 1 Syarah Ratib Alhadad Chapter 27 Imam Alwee bin Ahmad bin Hassan Alhadad’ dipimpin oleh Ustaz Hassan Saifoulridzal atau Bro Asyraf Hasni jikalau Ustaz tak sihat.
0530-0600: Solat Sunat Qabliyah Subuh, zikir and Solat Subuh berjemaah (lepas Subuh bersalaman sambil selawat)
0600-0630: Bacaan Wirdu Latif mengikut buku (sry tak ingat title, buku pada kawan saya)
0630-0700: Tazkirah pendek oleh Ustaz
0700-0800: Riadah ringan, stretchings, cheer atau bonding sessions (kalau hujan buat indoors)
0800-0830: Sarapan pagi
0830-1030: Free and easy (mandi, rehat atau faci time)
1030-1100: Solat Sunat Dhuha 8 rakaat (berjemaah for the first few days, kemudiannya dilakukan sendiri-sendiri)
1100-1200: Hafalan (in groups, semua orang kena hafal dari Surah At-Takatsur sampai Surah An-Nas dan doa-doa harian, kemudian tasmi’ dengan faci. Bagi yang tak kenal huruf, ada group tersendiri untuk belajar kenal huruf)
1200-1300: Makan tengahari (time makan semua berdulang. makan disediakan dan dihidang oleh unit muslimin and muslimah MHDS tapi anak-anak pesantren cuci dulang dan cawan sendiri, dan kemas kawasan makan sendiri)
1300-1330: Solat Zohor berjemaah diiringi Solat Sunat Qabliyah & Ba’adiyah
1330-1445: Ta’alim Fiqh (belajar basic solat and wudhu’) oleh Ustaz Hassan mengikut buku (title buku dalam bahasa arab, buku diterjemahkan kepada bahasa Melayu oleh Ustazah Sha’abana from MHDS youth)
1445-1500: Rehat
1500-1615: Ta’alim Tauhid (belajar basic apa erti tauhid dan mengenal Allah serta sifat-sifat Allah) oleh Ustaz Hassan mengikut buku ‘Pelajaran Tauhid’ oleh Syed Abdillah Ahmad Aljufri
1615-1645: Solat Sunat Qabliyah Asar, zikir and Solat Asar berjemaah (lepas Asar bersalaman sambil selawat)
1645-1800: Riadah petang di luar masjid (basically time for games led by youths, jog to the beach and have activities at the beach, main Amazing Race, ada cheer competition etc)
1800-1830: Wash-up or rehat
1830-1900: Bacaan Wirdu Latif mengikut buku
1900-1930: Solat Maghrib dan Solat Sunat Ba’adiyah
1930-2015: Ta’alim Tasawwuf (belajar pesan-pesan daripada Imam Al-Ghazali) oleh Ustaz Hassan mengikut buku ‘Duhai Anakku’ (saya tak dapat buku dia)
2015-2045: Solat Isya’ berjemaah diiringi Solat Sunat Qabliyah & Ba’adiyah
2045-2130: Bacaan Ratib atau ada Qaseedah atau majlis Maulid atau mass usrah
2130-2200: Makan malam
2200-2245: Supper, Wash-up and lights-out at 2245

At all times there will be snacks and drinks prepared. Anytime perlu tunggu, masjid dipenuhkan dengan selawat dan zikir. Bila masa yang diizinkan, Ustaz Hassan akan memberikan nasihat-nasihatnya. And the groups are gender-based, 9-12 per group. Even masa ada mass activity, boys group tak mix dengan girls group. Nama group masing-masing adalah sahabat-sahabat, isteri-isteri atau anak-anak Nabi dan cheer pon based on ciri-ciri mereka jadi balik dorang kenal orang-orang ni.

Takde night walk, takde high elements, takde sesi muhasabah khas... Tapi each time kita selawat atau zikir atau berqaseedah, boleh berlinangan air mata bertaubat kepada Allah, memohon Allah menyatukan kita di syurga kelak, mendamba cinta Allah swt dan Rasulullah saw dan meminta agar mendapat syafaat oleh Rasulullah saw di akhirat kelak. This happens even for those participants yang pada mulanya memberontak apa ni boring je pesantren takde activity, tak boleh buat ni tak boleh buat tu, tapi pada penghujung pesantren taknak balik, rindukan selawat, rindukan Qaseedah, takut berpisah sahaja dengan Ustaz dan kawan-kawan di pesantren akan kembali ke diri yang dulu. Some of the participants are from broken homes, yang seriously parents hantar untuk berubah. Memang mencabar bagi Ustaz, bagi exco dan facis but Alhamdulillah Allah membuka hati mereka dan memberi mereka hidayah. I have one participant yang kat luar memang wild, merokok, minum arak padahal baru 14 tahun tapi hujung pesantren sambil peluk cakap taknak balik.

Ade sunnah-sunnah lain yang diajarkan seperti bersiwak, menjawab azan, berselawat atas Nabi bila mendengar namanya disebut, memakai jubah putih dan songkok/sarban (bagi lelaki) setiap masa solat dan ta’alim.

On Thursday afternoon takde ta’alim, instead ada majlis ijazah sarban sebagai tanda dah graduate dari pesantren. Ustaz pakaikan sarban pada setiap anak lelaki pesantren. Kemudian Ustaz ada majlis ijazah sanad untuk semua orang, semua form chain dan Ustaz read out sanad Ustaz belajar agama, dan dengan ijazah sanad ini, bila kita ucapkan ‘saya terima’, itu tanda kita terima untuk melaksanakan perintah-perintah Allah dan mengamalkan sunnah-sunnah Rasulullah saw.
So on Friday and Saturday, basically free and easy, takde ta’alim, except exco make use of the time for participants to rehearse persembahan lagu Aeman Ibu dan Ayah and lagu Inteam Guruku for last day.

On Saturday, tengahari start prize presentation, lepas tu ada persembahan lagu, kemudian mauled lepas Asar and lepas Maghrib ada ceramah ibu bapa oleh Ustaz TM Fouzy. Selesai sahaja, kita bersalaman, bergambar dan bersurai....

Yang dapat kita ambil pengajaran dari pesantren ni mungkin dari segi mengkhaskan masjid sebagai tempat beribadah dan mengadakan activity di luar masjid instead, and untuk mengisi waiting time dengan selawat dan zikir daripada cheering atau energizers dan sebagainya. Qiyam diberi keutamaan daripada night walk dan sebagainya, kerana qiyam lebih efektif bagi kita bermuhasabah diri, lebih-lebih lagi bila solat-solat sunat itu diselang-seli dengan zikir munajat (screen menunjukkan maknanya sekali supaya zikir itu dapat dihayati). Solat tepat pada waktunya juga diberi keutamaan untuk menanamkan discipline. Basically we teach that we work our schedules and activities around our solat timings rather than the other way around through our programmes. Cara Fityan of course lain daripada cara MHDS. But one thing I learn is, we shouldn’t do programmes to please our participants, sekalipun participants kita rasa terpaksa dan memberontak kerana terpaksa menghadiri camp kita, tapi kalau kita tunjukkan padanya kenapa dia perlu hadiri (give them a reason) insyaAllah they’ll benefit from the camp... Tapi tulah 7 days can do wonders, but 2-3 days hardly does anything. It took the participants yang degil-degil until Thursday baru nampak perubahan...

Itu sahaja saya dapat kongsi. Nak tengok gambar-gambar, video dan sebagainya bolehlah tengok kat facebook. This pesantren is the most meaningful camp I’ve facilitated, and bila lihat participants menangis bila menyebut nama Allah swt dan Rasulullah saw, boleh turut menangis jugak. Mungkin kalau ade peluang, next year nye pesantren kita ajak adik-adik kita dan rakan-rakan kita untuk turut sertai semoga menjadi insan yang berakhlak yang mengutamakan cinta kepada Allah swt dan Rasulullah swt dan menghargai ibubapa mereka.

My brother is officially moving out today, he's packing his things with his wife now :( There will be a day that it'd be my turn to leave too... Maybe. And if/when it happens, I think I'm gonna cry because of its significance... My second brother will most likely be the one staying with my parents...

On another note, I have found another reason to visit Dubai thanks to Liyana haha. It's one of the places on my wishlist (oh I got bored and decided to mengelamun for awhile thinking of things I wanna do, and places I wanna go to and Dubai turned up in my list hehe). I'm not a fan of swimming (eventhough it's in my wishlist too just because it's something I rarely do) but the experience with the sharks at the Atlantis Aquaventure Water Park sounds fuuuuuuuun!

Haha, I need something thrilling soon, my life is so dull right now with assignments and reports and books urgh I need fresh air.

Harizah suggested parasailing at Batam this December. I hope I'd be able to go :)

I'm hungryyyyyyy, I seem to be hungry all the time today despite all the food I chunk down! Fact is, there're food I'm craving and I won't get satiated until I get them! Hei Sushi! KFC Popcorn chicken and fries! Swensen spicy fish pasta! *drools* Oh and I keep hearing Wendy's and turns out there's one at Tampines Century Square! I wanna go try!!!

I didn't exactly had a great day. I was so lethargic... And I just had no mood to complete my lab report and had to force myself to crap anyways... I did finish it on time afterall, and even had time to buy and chow down some sardine breadrolls and nuggets before class... But something my friend said hurt me. Same story... About studying...

I don't see why I have to prove anything to anyone... But I feel I need to prove to my friends I can do it... It's a good peer pressure I guess, but I'm not happy... I completed two more pages of slides on top of the two pages yesterday... And I can't wait till I don't have to take Chemistry modules anymore...

You know, I'd been thinking of KRC4 these few days... I miss it. I miss my group, Pesantren Lenggoong... What a myriad of personalities, strong ones at that... Apart from Nadhirah, the rest of us are rather active at Ghufran now. We should have another KRC laaa... I didn't really enjoy KRC5 other than the snorkelling, I dunno, just less significance I guess? KRC4 meant a lot to me, part of my turning point in life, and the activities were gerekkkkk! Flying fox, water rafting, survival cooking, nightwalk, secret admirer etc...

I wanna be young again and have an excuse to be naive hehe

Cepatnya masa berlalu... I took 2-3hrs to actually start doing SOME WORK (which was VERY little) then I did my laundry, bathed, prayed, put out the laundry and here I am at 3.54am. :(

I should really go to sleep, or at least continue my research paper, but I just felt like typing something...

I sat for my Organic Chem test just now. I couldn't do so many questions, cause I didn't finish studying. I feel so disappointed in myself. I'd taken Organic Chem in poly before and if I'm not mistaken, I got an A or even a distinction! But this, I screwed up one of the 3 lab reports and the test (15%of overall) just now so I guess, there goes my 30%. How to get A!!!

I was too tired.... Yikes.

Nak kata I regretted becoming a faci for Finding Seacreo, not really. I guess I just didn't manage my time well, boo hoo... So disappointed in myself :'(((

It was another enriching experience being a faci for Finding Seacreo. This is my second time becoming a faci, and it was really different from the first one. The pax were younger than Radiate (except two), the group was mixed of which only 3 were girls, my faci partner is a guy (Faizal btw), I had TEN pax under our care, it was outdoors (about 8 hours with 2 races in it at Sentosa) and we as faci were also the game masters and safety officers. Stress I tell youuuu... I don't think I did a good job. I think I failed to carry out the amanah properly. I am glad that at least 5 of them enjoyed the camp, I guess the programmes were fun, alhamdulillah. I hope they learned at least ONE beneficial thing from the camp...

For the next two weeks, I have my Saturdays full, and I'm scared it would tire me out again. My first paper is on 21st, 8 more days only. 8 days to cover four subjects with 8-20 topics each *faints* I need to get the momentum back (the camp really broke my momentum) and be focused and disciplined with my revision. And I MUST finnish this ALS research paper by tmr night to send for draft safe assignment and peer review...

I am worried why I can't seem to get anything done at all... and time flies so so fast! I'm scared... I wanna do well this sem. I really do. I must pull up my GPA... :'(((

Okok, I shall try to make this my last post for today. I have my lab reports, one due this wed, another this fri, yikes!

I have something to confess... Or rather, something to let out larh. I guess it'll make me sound so sensitive, but really I wanna get it off my chest...

I don't like it that people ungkit about the RYC amazing race again and again. I've heard it a 1001 times before. The first time I hear it, I can accept it, cos I myself know it was badly done. On the day itself, I broke down, I broke down in the middle of the camp, because I have already realised how badly it was done and it was almost beyond my control to make things right because of the time constraint. Now that I keep hearing it again and again, each time I feel like crying. Because it isn't fair la...

You guys as station masters and facis have your part of your story. I have mine to. This is my part of the story:

First and foremost, I only joined the programmes team less than 3 weeks before the camp day itself. I met them on 19th (I hear what they have done so far and I just suggest how to improve), 21st, 22nd-23rd (faci trg), 28th, 30th (general meeting), 2nd (meet emcee) and the camp itself is on 5th sep tau... If you see properly, I only had 2 days, which was 21st and 28th with the programmers. I was supposed to help out here and there only, but ended up having to come up with the whole route on which group goes where (prog did the recce with me to identify the stations - it was a mutual agreement between the three of us on the stations being from end to end of Pasir Ris, NOT ME ALONE tau), all 15 games (ingat senang nak create 15 games macam petik jari?), all preparations for the 15 games (settling with logictics, printing out the puzzles, pictures and the station numbers - faizal only managed to help with the laminating on the day itself), finding 15 station masters (only to receive news from the comm that they just wanna use comm members) and the briefing for station masters (which had to keep postponing because firstly, no one can confirm with me who were to be the station masters, then the comm members were very busy and I only managed to sit with them before maghrib on the first day of camp, about 4hrs before the race).

To top it up, the head programmer is very new, it's her first time doing programmes, and so I was assisting her alot with the prog sheet, with the concept with linking to objectives and theme (a call to remember, spark for a change), spiritual booster (oso I prepared the slides) and keeping track of scores on the day itself. The other programmer was serving NS and could hardly do much. So yeah, understand our plight.

Plus, I have my own NTUMS Ramadhan adhoc event to settle, which was only one week away from RYC. It was a 4-man show, so all admin, publicity, programmes, logistics were under us. And, I had my GESL event to plan for - another amazing race, I was doing programmes too. And, I was still adapting to school. It was still my first month in school. Tutorials, lab reports, essays... And, I just started silat.

My hands were full! I sacrificed alot of sleep! I fell sick quite a number of times then.

I don't mind, I'll help where I can...

The thing is, I gave my best. That's all I can say.

My bad that I didn't foresee how tiring it would be for the facis and pax to be running from one end of PRP to another. I'm sorry. Yes, I am responsible for the Amazing Race. I do feel bad about it. I do feel bad that probably all the pax didn't enjoy the camp because it was too tiring. But then again, I am really sick and tired of so many people being so cynical about how it turned out with no one to back me up...

Each time I hear more comments about the race, the worst I feel. And I have withstood it since September 09. I keep telling myself that it is positive criticism; accept it, learn from it, and don't repeat it. Now is February 10, it's 5 months plus, I can't remember how many times I've heard comments about it. I can probably never forget the Amazing Race, because I don't like anything less than perfect, and of course, this Amazing Race was very far from perfect.

I just feel that I've withstood it too long, and this is the peak of it all. It is just too much and I can't stand anymore of it...

I have a meeting in 18 mins, programmes again. No, I am not sick of programmes.

That was my group name for the Fityan Orientation Radiate! over the weekends.

Great people. Great games. Great learning points.

Anisah was my partner in facilitating our group. And my group was made up of Aryani, Hidayah, Nazilah, Atiqah & Amalina. Amalina was the one who came up with the group name. It was hard to pronounce, yet the meaning really described the group well: a spirit of familiarity and trust existing between friends. Some synonyms to the word are: comradeship, fellowship, brotherhood, companionship, togetherness, esprit de corps, good-fellowship, companionability...

To my group, thank you for being very enthusiastic people, for never giving up, for giving your best in everything that you do, and simply for being yourself :) I really hope you guys had fun, and I would really like to apologise for any of my shortcomings.

C for what? CAMARADERIE!

:) I had fun during my weekend. Well, of course uh, it's with the fityan peeps!

And I did something new... I became a faci! These days I just enjoy doing new stuff, perhaps cos I feel I'm tired with the routines. My schedule is so packed with the same thing over and over again...

I would never have been open to the idea of being a faci before this. But come to think of it, I was never really open to the idea of being a teacher either.

It may be because I feel that now is the perfect age to start being a faci that people can trust. I'm not saying that you should be above 20 to be a faci (though that is normally the case in many places), but more of: At this age, I have accumulated enough experience and confidence to carry out the roles of a faci well.

Being a faci means to be up front. To be representing an organisation. To be delivering the objectives of the event and the learning activities of the games well. To be a good role model. To be instilling good values.

That isn't something that anyone can do. It takes skill. And since I have sat in so many faci trainings over the past 2-3 years, I've absorbed some of the skills a faci require theoretically. Yea, eventhough I attended those trainings not as a faci...

Of course I still made mistakes. I have a lot more to learn. But that's all part of the journey right?

Yeah I wasn't the best faci during Fityan Orientation, probably the worst haha, but I gave my best. I am just glad I had a fun and enthusiastic group :) Alhamdulillah.

I hope I get more opportunities to develop my skills as a faci, because I feel that it would help me in being a better teacher later on. Yea, and so I would like to focus on those programmes with pax who're in sec school, to make it more specific and relevant. Depends uh... My other objective of being a faci is afterall to spread the word of da'awah and we shouldn't be choosy on who should or should not receive it. ALL deserve it...

I wanna share abit...

I went to Sham's house this afternoon, to have my ankle massaged.

Sakit gilerh ok!!!

Kalau ikutkan hati nak nangis je, pekik je, tarik tu kaki, but tahannnnnnnnnnn sampai mata cuma tear sikit je. Gripped the seat handle and kerutkan muka. I have no idea how many different kinds of expression my face made to withstand the pain. I seriously hope all the pain just now is not for nothing. I wanna enjoy the bonding camp tmr!

Speaking of camps, did you know that I had an extremely swollen lip during pesantren? I have no idea what caused it. Perhaps it was the attempt to kiss the cat there (I got scratched on my hand...), or it was one of the bugs in the tent, or even, a grass snake could have managed to sneak in and kiss me, ewwwwww.

But yeah, all I know was that when I woke up the first night in the big tent at about 3am for qiyam, I felt that my lips were super heavy. On the way to the toilet, I asked Ida how do my lips look and she said it looked very bad. I was surprised to see myself in the reflection of the mirror at the toilet. Scary seh the lips so big. I couldn't close my mouth at all! My teeth were shown no matter how much I move the muscles to put my lips together!

After I bathed, Atikah came in and saw my plight and called Ustazah Raihanah, and together with a male officer, I was driven to a clinic. The one in Yishun cost $80 for night consultation, so we went to the Woodlands one which is only $60. The doctor seems so unsure that I was really doubting whatever he's saying. He ended up giving me a jab on the left arm, which is as painful as a tetanus jab, painful gilerh ok! And I tell you, my left arm still feels numb till today, like what? more than two weeks after the swell?? I guess it's because some of my friends kept hitting me on the arm, like super OW. But I can't be announcing to everyone that I just had a jab right???

My point is? What is abit of pain in your life... Just pretend it's nothing and ignore it... It is part and parcel of your life, accept it, embrace it, no use whining and crying and screaming for it...

I didn't know I would love sparring so much. The mental and physical coordination is interesting. NTU had uni friendlies with SMU this afternoon at SMU and I had the opportunity to spar with an SMU sister. Eventhough I lost 2 rounds and we drew in the 3rd, it makes me all the more motivated to learn more in silat. Need to work on my combos, on my shuffling, on range, speed, intensity and accuracy. I'm excited for silat trainings to come!

Oh the SMU sister happened to be from TP Engineering hehe. No wonder she looked familiar. Entered the gelanggang, saw her the first time, and throughout the whole match I was sifting through my memory on where had I first met her haha. She said afterwards probably I know her sister instead. Probably ah. I can't be too sure... I don't remember having any friends by the name of Rahmah in TP...

Oh, right now I have a sprained left ankle and because I forced to balance myself on my right leg more on the way home just now, even my right leg hurts, so I'm walking like a robot currently. Yet I am determined not to let my parents see what the match had done to me. I don't wanna quit silat!! (never thought I'd say that heh) Luckily I have a stock of diclofenac sodium painkillers, so popped two cookies in my mouth followed by 2 pills of the painkillers and 1 pill for gastric.

I don't eat painkillers if I can help it. No panadols for me. Headaches are part and parcel of life, and it doesn't need panadol, it needs plenty of water and rest in your system that's it. I only take painkillers, and that's the diclofenac ones only if I really really really can't take the pain. This sprained ankle is not the worst in my medical history actually. I've had inflammation of the tendons before and that is like 10x worst as it causes your tendon to redden and swell and each time your blood pulses through the veins, ow ow ow. That's why I thought I can withstand the pain of this sprained ankle. Actually I can. I just eat the painkiller in the hope that I can walk properly tmr and pretend nothing happened infront of my parents hehe.

If I were to go to the polyclinic and Dr Sophian Hadi were to see me again, he'd probably comment: "another injury to add to your history?" haha.

I sure hope the sprain heals soon. I don't need another inflammed leg... Especially when I have a camp this wed-fri! Silat bonding camp! I heard it's really gonna mix us together, hmm... They feel that the segregation between the girls and the guys is not good for the team, hmm... I will hold up to my principles. In case they plan something not so 'I-dont-know-any-suitable-adjective', I'd try to get away from doing it larh... Preferably if I can get away, I would. We'll see how things go... Hopefully things go on fine, nak mix tu mix jugak, for the team, yet batasan tetap batasan :) ni tetap majority melayu Islam, so tetap perlu jaga batasan-batasan yang ditetapkan Islam... I decided to leave drama partly because of this, and also because I really didn't have time to attend trainings larh. But yeah, I hope this issue doesn't become a penghalang for me to be a true pesilat NTU!!! Chewah hehe ;)

When most of us have reached our 20s, (at least intellectually, mentally and emotionally) the topic of discussion always seem to end up with... MARRIAGE

I wasn't part of the conversation, since I was still happily and merrily enjoying my zinger, but somehow I got involved in the conversation when Raudah suddenly asked, "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?"

Nasib tak terbegik aku ngan my happy and merry burger tu tau. Tak kena pasal sehh. Yang paling lagi nak terbegikkan adalah people think I am with someone now, an Ustaz for that matter. Even Liyana seems to think if it is true. Aiyoh people, you are my brothers and sisters, how can you still not know me!

Actually, entah eh... even my mum dunno me well enough. On Wednesday, when I went out with my mum, we started talking about how she used to be so scared I can't speak in public. Even up to Sec 4, she wasn't sure I could be vocal. Being in ELDDS in sec school, she thought I'd be just the background (I think she's thinking of trees or something), she didn't know I was in 3 not so small (not major, but certainly not small enough that only 40 prople watch) shows where over 200 people are watching. While in Titisan, she considered my roles as small enough, no doubt they were, and didn't think much about it. Yet, you're facing an auditorium full of people okeh!!

My mum was impressed about me giving the valedictorian speech at Perdaus haflah 2 years ago (ehhh, tak prasan dah 2 years ago!). And I'm like huh? That's (probably my one and only and) the worst speech I'd ever given, I think.

She was most surprised that I joined silat actually. She doesn't believe I have enough 'force' in me to punch/kick anyone. I didn't either, initially, actually. Ask Shikin, or Mir how tak bunyi were my punches and kicks to the padding for the first two months. Then ask Shikin again, and Jun, how I've improved, slight as it may be, after that. Aren't I glad I didn't tell my mum earlier I had joined silat? Confidence would have crashed, and I would have quitted immediately agaknya.

Eh why did I sidetrack so far... Part of the conversation with my mum, she told me that once a chinese woman she knows in the neighbourhood suddenly asked about me (she talks more about my second brother compared to me or my eldest bro) if I have a boyfriend (I really wonder how did she steer the conversation that way???) and my mum said her reply to her was, "She sure has many guy friends within her social circle, but I'm not too sure if she has one who's special." and the woman's reply was, "Can't be don't have..." Waaaah, make my mum doubt me seh. Firstly, why does my mum say I have many guy friends? Many meh? Who are she referring to?? Secondly, if really that's true then waah I have really changed. Ask Siti how many guy friends I used to have in sec sch. Or Ad for poly. (P.S. Ad I miss you so so much!) Hmmm... Thirdly, my mum thiks it is 'possible' even to a small extent that I have a boyfriend??? After all that I learn in madrasah??

Oklah, my mum actually doesn't think my madrasah has improved me at all. Padahal looking back at 12 years ago... even if I may not have been in the wrong set of company (my schoolmates alhamdulillah are all fairly good people since young, and I am especially closer to those who are not minahs and bitches), I would probably not be praying, or wearing tudung, or wearing jubah, or going masjid etc.

And neither does she think that the camps I'd been attending/organising have been doing me any good. Erm, where else could I have earned my vocalness?? Think back to KRC4 (the first impressions I set on most of my Fityan peeps), Camp Xplore 07 (when I totally couldn't talk during the debrief at the end of the camp because I was too choked up with tears being overwhelmed by all the emotions), to Gema Ghufran 07 (bet you don't even remember I was in the committee, typing the minutes half the time, calling and inviting people to come), to Night cycling (I can't even conduct a meeting within my department cos I can't seem to talk, much less lead!) to RYC 08 (when I'd stumble with my words as I try to give instructions for the games) to NI retreat 08 (when I still can hardly talk and deliver what I want to say, I left Mus and Liyana to lead), to NI mukhayyam (starting to brave up, yet Mus and Liyana still had to do most of the talking, to Camp Xplore 09 (where I was vice-chair, conducting a general meeting together with Azz), to RYC 09 (where I had to gather the station masters, some of who were still strangers back then, and explain how the Amazing Race works), to Pesantren Kilat (where I was one of the 3 female group leaders and thus have to maintain control, have to deliver certain instructions from the officers to my group, and sometimes to all the girls at once even, and they were strangers okayyyy, I didn't know a single one of them before the pesantren), I know, I clearly see and I am very much aware how much attending/organising camps have changed me. But nevermind.

Ok, this had unexpectedly turned into a reflection entry. Heheh. But yeah, fact is that la... Even my mum doesn't know me well, she doesn't recognise my potential, she doesn't know my strengths and weaknesses or all my likes and dislikes, neither does she believe I can do it, for anything at all... How can I not doubt myself all the time. Honestly, I still doubt if I can be a good teacher... even after the confident presentation for Critical Perspectives, where we were asked to 'teach' the class on a certain topic in groups of threes, and I felt that my presentation skill was rather good...

Hai.. Let's get back to the initial issue in this entry aite? After asking "Who amongst us do you think would marry an Ustaz?", next question was "Who do you think can/will settle down within the next two years?"

Aah, the future is so full of unknowns...

10 years ago, who would have thought I'd be in Temasek sec (I only believed I was capable of entering a neighbourhood school, I was thinking I belonged in Springfield Sec!) or 5 years ago, who would have guessed I'd enter poly (after setting my eyes only on JC), or 3 years ago, who would have predicted that I'd join NIE (I truly doubted I could be a teacher. I respect the teaching profession alot, and whenever I hear anyone join the teaching profession, I'd be like "Wow, cool, I can't teach, I don't think I have the patience for it.")... Now, no one, no one can foresee when I'd get married, or to who I'd get married to... And for that matter, when I would die, or how I would die...

The future is so full of unknowns. Nabi Khidir had the mukjizat to know the future. That is probably one of the most dangerous knowledge one can have. It may be one of the most dreaded as well...

Let us just live for today, and treat it as a gift. Forget about yesterday, cos it's all in the past, and don't bother worry about the future cos it'll just give you a migraine...

By the way, I am still CURIOUS!!!! Who... urgh! Nevermind!

I wonder how dreams work. Why do we dream? What causes dreams? I don't want theories. I want to know the truth.

Yet how can we ever know that whatever we know is ever the truth?

I'm still in a dilemma constantly thinking about what is the truth and what isn't....

I'm tired, very very tired, physically. I spent more than half the day today sleeping, to regain whatever energy I've lost. I can't be sure that I'd regained my energy back, cos my whole body is aching everywhere from silat training yesterday! My shoulders, my back, my arms, my thighs.... There were signs that my tendonitis might act up again, so I quickly applied the Fastum gel on the tendon area at the back of my ankles. Sapuan is very dangerous, to me at least.

I learned alot during silat yesterday. I think because now my heart is in it, that's why. Learned shuffling, learned more combos to earn points quickly, IF the opponent is not quick enough. I need to be more lightfooted, and be quick in planning and executing combos. Practice makes perfect!

And... I'd be missing 2-3 silat sessions next week and the following week. :(

But I'll be elsewhere learning other things. Not that I'll be having jolly good time. I'll be at... Persantren Kilat, organised by MHDS. I feel reluctant telling people I'm attending this, when they ask why I'd be away next week. Perhaps because of the different kinds of responses I got. It's a wide range of responses from very positive to very negative. 0_o

I have people who almost jumped up and down shouting, "You get to go?! Wah, bestnyer! I love the Ustaz! Ustaz best! Camp pon mesti best. But I can't go, my mum say the duration is too long..."

I have people who looked calm but said, "I heard it's very good. More on the 'intellectual' side, but good nevertheless."

I have people who looked indifferent and say, "Oh ok. I'm not sure I can go... see how."

I have people who went, "Alar... Kau pergi persantren ni kau takbleh join kitorang seh..."

I have people who exclaimed, "Hah??? Why are you wasting your money?"

I also have people laughing at me and asking, "Why are you going there at all?"

Well.... I'm confused. But yeah, just from this experience, you can see how people differ so much from each other. Primarily due to the principles/beliefs that they hold on to, the experiences that they've had, the knowledge that they've obtained and such. These responses just reminded me that I have so many different kinds of people surrounding me, and I have to mind how I am with them such that I don't offend them, yet still being myself such that I'm not a hypocrite. It really does boil down to the principles that I myself hold on to, the experience that I myself have had, and the knowledge that I myself had obtained. Right now, really I am confused. I have no idea how to react. So I just smile and nod. it's kind of a reflex action nowadays :S

What I know is that, ever since I heard Far'ain attending persantren and reading about persantren in Musafir Cinta, I'd been superbly curious what is it. I was ready to go to Indonesia to experience it, and I was ready to face whatever goes on in a persantren, JUST IN CASE it goes against my principles/belief system. However, I never did find out a reliable source for a persantren. Besides I have no idea how to tell my parents I'd be disappearing to some part of Indonesia for some religious thing that they've never heard (they don't know what is a persantren, even now I think) for like more than a week alone.

I did bring this up to my mum, referring to the persantren as some kind of short-term madrasah, and she allowed if I go with a sister.

Then... I heard about Persantren Kilat on facebook. And straightaway I signed up for it. Without even telling my parents first (but since it's in Singapore, I knew they should be ok with it, especially if I pay on my own, and I don't miss my madrasah --> penting youuu. they're used to me telling them last minute that I have an upcoming camp at this place, from what day to what day, and I'm going with so and so. I only ask for permission if it's overseas.)

Nevertheless I was worried. (Always first on my worry list is the sanitary condition of the place, but I'd been to the mosque once and I liked it, so it wasn't firstr on my worry list this time, except to wonder how I'd share that 4 cubicles or so with about 50 other sisters, since they're targetting 100 pax in total.) I was worried that I'm the oldest, that I'd find it a bore to go through the ta'alim/classes, that I'm alone (since none of my friends seem to be going, and most of the participnts that replied to the facebook invite seems to know each other through previous MHDS activities), that I'd be too tired to go through everything (I'd never been to a camp 7 days long! Normally, at the end of a 3-day camp, I'd spend the whole of the next day sleeping. I tire easily. Partly the reason why I take hostel...) Then the initial worry about the persantren having activities against my principles also started to settle in, knowing that I still lack the knowledge to truly differentiate from what is right and what is wrong.

Now that it is roughly only 12hrs away from the camp, I don't know what to think about.

What I'm really thinking about right now is that I've yet to pack my bag, yet to finish studying for my Arab exams this Sunday, yet to do the GESL reflections due end of the year, yet to alot of other outstanding tasks larh!

And I'd be missing silat... and fatayaats usrah, and fatayaats gathering and tathmin mibarrat... :( I'm giving up alot eh for this persantren... I really hope that I shall become a better Muslimah at the end of 7 days. That I'd somehow be a more disciplined, healthier Muslimah, with more friends, more experiences, more knowledge... all in the hope of achieving the main purpose of my journey here on earth. Mardhatillah... InsyaAllah. This shall be my niat. Niat is the spark. Niat determines the deed. Yet a good niat does not make a bad approach good... A reminder to myself, and everyone else.

I'm afraid I'd have to tanding for the tri-uni friendlies on 4th Jan @ SMU... High probability that I'd be chosen, considering that I seem to be the only freshie in Class B (overweight! overweight! need to watch it!) and I attended Tuesday's and yesterday's training.... scared scared scared!

Till then, I'm scared of my NIE results, and my new sem's timetable. *groans*

I should go pray, eat, iron clothes, pack bag, read Arab notes and sleeeeeeep 'early'.

Good night and have a nice week ahead!

P.S. Thanks Jun for the ride home yesterday. It feels exhiliratingly good on a bike :D
P.S.S. I watched Avatar at the movies just now. Liked it. Except for the foreign language, the violence, the Eywa rituals and belief system and the... ahem. (Teringat Ust Noor nye talk during NEMC qiyam about media...). But still, guess it's a nice alternative after watching New Moon. You may wanna skip the 3D, unless you're watching on the biggest screen. A small screen doesn't make much difference, except for the no. of bucks left in your pocket, hehe.

Alhamdulillah Camp Xplore 09 - I'm responsible is over... Shagged shagged. There were times when I was impressed with my committee, there were times too that I was disappointed. Twice during the camp I just had to get away to seclude myself to think, or to sort out my thoughts and calm down. Once I cried during the camp, and once after. And if you look back, when the first of the Camp Xplore ‘series’ ended in 2007, I cried and cried and cried, that time was from relief... As for this time round...

During the camp, there was one period when I felt so down and exhausted, but I didn't wanna show it lest it dampens my team's spirits. Sometimes I am so glad for all that training I receive in Titisan, if you get what I mean.

On the first night, I asked one of my mentors (yeah.. while you guys have your respective mentors, I have mine too) what I should be thinking about at this stage. I’ve never been here in this position vice-chair and I haven’t truly understood my role. What exactly does ‘overlook’ stands for??

The answer was a series of questions (as usual... and I’m trying to learn this skill haha). In summary, it is actually what I want to see in the pax and in the committee, and how much I’ve done to ensure it reaches my expectations, and ultimately how do I measure whether it reaches my expectations or not.

With regards to this, I was told that if my team had failed in any way, it is because I have failed to ensure they didn’t fail. That sentence filled my mind throughout the whole camp. Any disappointment I have towards my team only mounts up to the disappointment I have towards myself who had not prevented it. Any wrongs during the camp that happened, I wouldn’t blame my team, but I blamed myself. I was fighting with myself throughout the whole camp to keep cool and maintain composure. Whenever you guys find me missing, that was when I wasn’t able to steady myself and would rather not let any of you see me. My heart bled and it wasn’t easy.

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Anyway apart from the vision and expectations, there's also: what’s next?? Will this stop at the end of the camp?? How do I ensure the pax (though for this camp, I learn, maybe the pax part is not so much of my worry) and the committee, for example, maintain and strengthen the bond that was forged and practice what was learned during the camp... Continuity... Continuity...

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How ‘coincidental’ (if that is even the right word to use) it is that this camp talks about responsibility, y'know. My team and I was not only delivering it to the participants, but we ourselves were trying to understand responsibility better, yes myself included.

I was always reluctant to hold the responsibility of a vice-chair. Last year for Camp Xplore 08, I declined when it was proposed by two people, but this year when it was proposed by the whole Fityan comm., I couldn’t decline it once again, as it seems that they believed in me and it is my responsibility to carry it out.

Sigh... Remember when you guys said you’d be making tags with specific position stated on the tag for the six so-called ‘top’ position in the committee, I was saying it’s ok, I’d rather wear a tag with ‘committee’ printed on it? Or remember when some of the facis asked me what position do I hold in the camp I just kept mum? And Rabeetah, remember when you wrote Vice-chair on my bandanna I snapped abit at you accidentally? Those were because I was still not ready to be in that position... The responsibility seemed too big. The tests I think I’d face were not those I think could handle. The level of patience needed is not one I thought I’d have...

Indeed... Indeed... There were some tests from the committee as a whole, but at least that could be handled by the chairman while I just assist him. But when it comes specifically to the sisters in the committee, it is more of my responsibility than the chairman’s, in my opinion, and I do not think I’ve passed this test. Bearing the responsibility through the tag I wear everywhere also meant tests from other people (the jemaah). I was questioned, and I was put responsible.

You know, I dunno if my mentors tried to test me throughout the camp (actually I noticed there were instances, some questions I was asked were ‘duhhh..’ testing questions – I’m learning, yay -_-) but really, they didn’t have to. Haha.

During kuliah subuh, I listened in as Ust was talking about the fear that should strike your heart when you hear His words. With all that was going through my mind, I really couldn’t take it then. I reflected and I cried my eyes out. If on this earth people are already questioning me and holding me responsible, in the hereafter I would be questioned and held responsible by HIM! I was scared, very very scared. I fear how I would answer for what I am responsible for.

“All of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards and the things under your care”, “If your team fails, it is because you failed”... I reflect and I cry...
Not only am I responsible for my own actions and words, but I am also responsible for ALL that happens and I am responsible for ALL that YOU do too... Will I be able to answer and take responsibility of ALL these?!

Question is: sanggupkah aku?? Sanggupkah aku menanggung semua ini??

This is talking about responsibility...

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After the camp I cried again, for this camp is possibly my last camp for the time being. I can’t be as active as I wanna be after this, sadly... Not many knows yet, but I may be away for at least a year and that is a long time to be away from all these! Within one year anything can happen! Not to mention that within one year, the skills that I pick up would rust and pick up dust and it would be hard to polish them up again. I know I shouldn’t stop, but how?! I’m still thinking and finding for alternatives...

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After the camp I had madrasah exam, gosh was I groggy!! There were times my mind went blank. There were times I dunno what I was writing in mid-sentence and had to read like the whole paragraph again. There were times I lost my train of thoughts and had to read what I was writing over and over again. There were times I shook my head hard to keep the sleepiness away. And there were times I couldn’t take it, I had to take short naps in the exam. There were two papers, both I was like that, both I didn't have wnough time to check and read. After the exam I told ust, "Ust, kalau ade yang Ust baca Ust tak paham, paham2kan ehh."

Yeah, I believe it when my mum keeps scolding me for tiring myself too much as she knows I cannot get tired. I’d really go zoink!

At the same time, how could I sleep when my team is still awake discussing and coming up with solutions? How can I sleep when I know my team is not well rested? How can I sleep when my team is preparing for the camp, which I’m supposed to overlook. Indeed I wasn’t trying to be kaypoh when I join discussions, but simply because it is my responsibility.

Still, I am human, and I can’t stop myself when sleep overcomes me on it’s own. Yet now that I know one of my programmers was awake doing programmes stuff all by herself till 4am in the morning (or later) on the first night and my publicity was awake doing the video montage all by themselves till 4am in the morning (or later), do you think I am glad I had rested at all?? And when the girls missed Subuh prayers berjemaah, who you think I blame?

This came from my heart. This is my story, part of my long journey. I see how my journey has been thus far, how it shapes me, how I've grown.

You have your own story, your own journey too. IF you have reflected.

I hope the purpose that you have, is the same as the one that I have though.

Ya true, I did realise that I've improved further in planning programmes, alhamdulillah... Having a great partner - dear Nazihah and advisor/mentor - bro Hamid surely helps greatly! I am still me, I would still be easily shaken by feedbacks from others (being the water element that I am, it is normal for me to just agree with others' suggestions, to make everyone happy) and each time kena rebutt surely menggelabah, but it surely helps to be prepared with reasons for why you and your department has agreed on certain things. If you are able to understand why you choose certain activities and are able to justify it with reasons and even examples/experiences/expectation, it is so much easier to convince others to believe in your programme.

It's fun being in programmes as it is always challenging. Nothing stagnant. Nothing standard and strictly by the book. It makes you think. Think out of the box (still trying to improve on this part).

At the same time, I'm enjoying myself as vice-chair for another camp. I mean, ok lar, the work I have to do cam gerek gitu haha. Though pening jugaklah kan maner nak fikirkan budget, maner na fikirkan welfare, maner nak fikirkan ape2 problems yang timbul.

Tapi ade jugak ah rasa I'm overpowering the chairman, opps~ Serba salah. We need to meet up. Soon.

Ok yay, I've got a camp in... 2 more weeks and programme belum siap!! Ahhhh!! I hope quality doesn't get compromised cos of the time constraint...

K I'm talking too much about camps. Apparently there's too much of it in my head, yikes~

Usrah tmr nite! And I dunno what to present on... Aiyar... Hadn't been reading much lately uh...

Klah gtg. Tataz~!

I just dreamt that I was at a workshop/camp observing 3 people racing (I think with chairs) in a game infront of me. Somehow, weirdly, I realised I had a school desk on my head, with my neck stuck between the tabletop and the metal grill under it. But I managed to get it out. As I was laughing at the stupid situation and trying to stand up at the same time, I suddenly felt dizzy, saw the room in a blur, called Kak Yati's name as I try to reach out for her chair beside me and then I fainted. And I woke up, with my eyes still closed, about a minute before Nassier called.

This morning I dreamt that I swung myself out of bed and hit the stool beside my bed with both legs. When I woke up to the sound of the Subuh azan from my laptop, which I forgot to switch off, I felt a bruise on my left leg and right toe. Apparently I wasn't dreaming that. Heh.

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Actually I miss blogging about my life here. And I'd been wanting to update. I thought I'd do it today, but I spent time doing my vision board instead (as shown below)...



Inspired by ITQAN NEMC Camp

Hopefully it's not just another Mat Jenin story... Pray for me yea?

Click here for pictuuuures slideshow...

Click here for songs played during ITQAN camp...

Aww the memories...

pictuuuuuuressss

Proud to announce I took some of these pics :D Suker seh pegang camera!! Nak camera!!!

Alhamdulillah RYC camp was a success, if I may say so. I hope I am able to attend the post mortem... I missed the post camp debriefing as I had to rush to madrasah, which I was already late for actually...

The RYC closing was... a doze-off ah I have to say. By the time we reached the muhasabah part, I only heard "imagine you are on top of that hill" then off I went to imaginary land. Tau2 da habis haha.

But then, the effects of the muhasabah session during RYC camp is still lingering. I need constant reminders like this. But well... I guess if it gets too often, we'd get used to it pulak till there aren't any effect.

I'm loving the songs on Fityan blog. THAT is a good reminder. Cause if I'm not mistaken those were some of the songs played during the muhasabah session.

The muhasabah session smacked you up down left right front back I tell you. Bengkak mata sampai nak bukak pon susah.

Damba CintaMu oleh Raihan

Ya Rabb, Ya Rabb...
Tuhanku ampunkanlah segala dosaku
Tuhanku maafkanlah, kejahilan hambaMu
Kusering melanggar laranganmu
Dalam sedar ataupun tidak
Kusering meninggalkan suruhanMu
Walau sedar aku milikMu

Tuhanku ampunkanlah segala dosaku
Tuhanku maafkanlah kejahilan hambaMu

Bilakah diri ini kan kembali
Kepada fitrah sebenar
Pagiku ingat petang ku alpa
Begitulah silih berganti

Oh Tuhanku Kau pimpinlah
Diri ini Yang mendamba cintaMu
Aku lemah Aku jahil
Tanpa pimpinan dariMu

Ku sering depanMu
Sering jua kumemungkiri
Ku pernah menangis keranaMu
Kemudian ketawa semula

Bilakah diri ini kembali
Kepada fitrah sebenar
pagi ku ingat petang ku alpa
Begitulah silih berganti

Oh Tuhanku, kau pimpilah diri ini
Yang mendamba cintaMu
Aku lemah aku jahil tanpa pimpinan dari mu
Kau Pengasih Kau penyayang Kau Pengampun
Kepada hamba-hambamu
Selangkah ku kepadaMu Seribu Langkah kau padaku

Tuhan diri ini tidak layak ke syurgaMu
Tapi tidak pula aku snaggup kenerakaMu

Kutakut kepadaMu
Kuharap jua padaMu
Mogaku kan selamat dunia akhirat
Seperti rasul dan sahabat

Alangkah Indahnya Hidup Ini oleh Raihan

Alangkah indahnya hidup ini
Andai dapat kutatap wajahmu
Kan pasti mengalir air mataku
Kerna pancaran ketenanganmu

Alangkah indahnya hidup ini
Andai dapat kukucup tanganmu
Moga mengalir keberkatan dalam diriku
Untuk mengikut jejak langkahmu

Ya Rasulullah Ya Habiballah
Tak pernah kutatap wajahmu
Ya Rasulullah Ya Habiballah
Kami rindu padamu
Allahumma Solli Ala Muhammad
Ya Rabbi Solli Alaihi Wasallim ( 2X )

Alangkah indahnya hidup ini
Andai dapat kudakap dirimu
Tiada kata yang dapat aku ucapkan
Hanya tuhan saja yang tahu

Kutahu cintamu kepada umat
Umati kutahu bimbangnya kau tentang kami
Syafaatkan kami
Alangkah indahnya hidup ini
Andai dapat kutatap wajahmu

Kan pasti mengalir air mataku
Kerna pancaran ketenanganmu
Ya Rasulullah Ya Habiballah
Terimalah kami sebagai umatmu
Ya Rasulullah Ya Habiballah
Kurniakanlah syafaatmu

To share with you a story...

The last day…………….
Suddenly, there was a person who said salaam “ May I come in?” he asked
But Fatimah(SUA) did not allow him to enter the room.
“I am sorry my father is ill”
Said Fatimah (AS), and turned back and closed the door.
She went back to her father who had opened his eyes and asked Fatimah (AS), “ Who was he , my daughter?”
“I don’t know, my father It’s the first time I am seeing him,” Fatimah (AS) said gently.
“Know one thing…..!
He is the one who erases the temporary pleasure; he is who separates the companionship in the world.
He is the ANGEL OF DEATH”
Said Rasulullah (PBUH).
Fatimah(AS) bore the bomb of her cry.
The death angel come to wards him,
But Rasulullah (PBUH) asked why Jibrail did not come along with him
The Rusulullah (PBUH) looked at his daughter with a trembled look, as if he wanted to reminisce about every part of his daughters face.
Then , Jabrail was called Jabrail was ready in the sky to welcome the soul of Habibullah and the leader of the earth.
“O Jibrail, explain to me about my rights in front of Allah?”
Rusullah(PBUH) asked with a very weak voice.
“The doors of the sky have opened ; the angels are waiting for your soul.
All Jannats are open widely waiting for you, “ Jibrail said.
But, in fact , All that did not make Rusullah (PBUH) relived.
His eyes were still full of worry.
“You are not happy to hear his news?”
Asked Jibrail.
“Tell me about the destiny of MY PEOPLE in the future?”
Don’t worry, O’ Rusulullah;
The time for Malaeket Izrail to do his work became closer and closer, slowly, Rusulullah’s Soul was pulled.
It seemed that the body of Rusulullah (PBUH) was full of sweat;
The verves of his neck became tight.
“Jibrail, how painful this sakaratul maut is!”
Rasulullah (PBUH) slowly uttered with groan.
Fatimah (AS) closed her eyes,
Ali (AS) sat beside her bow deeply and Jibrail turned his face back.
“Am I repugnant to you that you turn your face back O’ Jibrail?”
Rusulullah(PBUH) asked to the deliverer of wahyn.
“Who is the one who could see the Habibullah in his sakaratul mout”,Jibrail said.
“Not for a while,” then Rasulullah (PBUH) uttered a groan because of unbearable pain.
“O Allah, how great is this sakaratul maut .
Give me all these pains, but don’t to my people.”
The Body of Rasulullah (PBUH) became cold,
His feet and chest did not move anymore.
With tears in eyes, his lips vibrated as if he wanted to say something,
Ali (AS) took his ear close to Rusulullah (PBUH)
“UNSHIIKUM BIS SALATI, WA MAA INLAKAT ALMANUKU”
“TAKE CARE OF THE SALAT AND TAKE CARE OF WEEK PEOPLE AMOUNG YOU”
Out side the room, there were cries, each one shouting sahaba holding each other,Fatimah(AS) closed her face with her hands.
Again, Ali (AS) took his ear closed to Rasulullah’s (PBUH) and with his mouth which became blish, and tears in his eyes,
He Uttered:
“UMMATII, UMMATII, UMMATII”
“MY PEOPLE, MY PEOPLE, MY PEOPLE”

Buatmu Ibu oleh Aeman

Ibu? bergenang airmataku
Terbayang wajahmu yang redup sayu
Kudusnya kasih yang engkau hamparkan
Bagaikan laut yang tak bertepian

Biarpun kepahitan telah engkau rasakan
Tidak pun kau merasa jemu
Mengasuh dan mendidik kami semua anakmu
Dari kecil hingga dewasa

Hidupmu kau korbankan
Biarpun dirimu telah terkorban
Tak dapat ku balasi
Akan semua ini
Semoga Tuhan membekati kehidupanmu ibu?

Ibu? kau ampunilah dosaku
Andainya pernah menghiris hatimu
Restumu yang amat aku harapkan
Kerana di situ letak syurgaku

Tabahnya melayani kenakalan anakmu
Mengajarku erti kesabaran
Kau bagai pelita di kala aku kegelapan
Menyuluh jalan kehidupan

Kasih sayangmu sungguh bernilai
Itulah harta yang kau berikan

Ibu? kau ampunilah dosaku
Andainya pernah menghiris hatimu
Restumu yang amat aku harapkan
Kerana di situ letaknya syurgaku

Tabahnya melayani kenakalan anakmu
Mengajarku erti kesabaran
Kau bagai pelita di kala aku kegelapan
Menyuluh jalan kehidupan

Kasihanilah, Tuhan?
Ibu yang telah melahirkan diriku
Bagaikan kasih ibu sewaktu kecilku
Moga bahagia ibu di dunia dan di akhirat sana
Moga bahagia ibu di dunia dan di akhirat sana

I'tiraf oleh Raihan

Wahai Tuhan ku tak layak ke syurga Mu
Namun tak pula aku sanggup ke neraka Mu

Ampunkan dosa ku terimalah taubat ku
Sesungguhnya Engkaulah Pengampun dosa-dosa besar

Ila hilis tu lilfirdausi ahla
Wala aqwa alnnaril jahim
Fahabblitau batau wafir zunubi
Fainnakarob firul zanbi azim

Dosa-dosaku bagaikan pepasir di pantai
Dengan rahmat Mu ampunkan daku Oh Tuhan ku

Wahai Tuhan selamatkan kami ini
Dari segala kejahatan dan kecelakaan

Kami takut kami harap kepada Mu
Suburkanlah cinta kami kepada Mu

Akulah hamba yang mengharap belas dari Mu

Personaaly I don't think I'd given my whole best for the camp. Could have contributed more. But let's just say I'm afraid I'd overshadow others, so I only carried out what I'm asked to.

I soooooo lack confidence to speak in public. Cammaner nak jadi Games Master?? Whatever I planned sumerr tak jadi tau. Yang jadi is suara menggeletar pat depan semua orang, aiseh bedah...

After the camp I was so tired that I slept all the way for 12 hours. Tau2 bangun time sahur pon dah nak abis. Padahal kan, tak buka tau haha. Niari pon I just buka bubble tea je. Lom buka betol2 lagi. Oh well, jap lah.

Rumusan of Fri-Sun

Late-Icebreakers-CheekyFacis-CrampRoom-UnexpectedChangeOfPlan-Buka@Musollah-LastMinPlanning-Terawih-WitirJemaahWithTsu-DarkRoom-GlowingStars-CreationOfEarth-WondersOfEarth-SurahRahman-TadarrusInteractive-Al-Nitak-Spaceships-Atmosphere-Moon-Calendar-Sun-Planet-Telescope

SafraYishun-AirShooting-ScoreCards-T-shirts-Rockclimbing-Shoe-Bouldering-Pictures-CommunityService-SurahQiyamah-Death-AzabKubur-Allah-Nabi-Parents-Taubat

LackOfSleep-Overslept-Video-Hugs-Assyakirin-pics-QuranRecitation-Muhasabah-Speech-Phototaking

And today was the start of my SIP. Ok lah... But I was still tired, I was given materials to read and I just dozed off in my chair. OPPS~ My supervisor is nice. But my mentor ar, hmm... Had to read LOADS of stuff and I didn't finish a single one. Nih I just received 3 more sets, what the?? Other than reading, learnt my way around, did gel casting and also PCR. Ok ah... But half the time I'm simply lost and I feel super STOOPID I tell you.

My supervisor told me and my friend to have fun. I think we had fun messing up haha.

BUT, one important thing I wanna announce: I wanna make this SIP/MP the turning point to make me MORE DISCIPLINED and to be HARDWORKING so as to LEARN AS MUCH AS I CAN and SCORE WELL. YESSSSHHHHHH...

K I'm waiting for pIcTuReSsSsSsSsS... I know there's ALOTTTTT... Nearly 1500 I hear, foo yoh!

K gotta start early tomorrow. And I've yet to finish my reading. And neither have I eaten!!! BYEE

Haha, Raudah inspired me to write my own experience... FINALLY.

When I first heard about KRC at Redang with snorkeling as the main highlight, I thought, "Hmm, sounds like a holiday get-away! Best best!" Never for anything would I miss KRC5, especially since it's the last of all! *sniffs*

I was late to arrive on the departure night, had super a lot of stuffs to settle before I could even start packing my bag, which I only did like after Isya'! Sempat jugak... Panic gila ok. I was like messaging Liyana, "Don't leave me!!!" As if they would hah ;P

When I reached Ghufran, alhamdulillah sempat solat Safar and doa and all. Wouldn't have felt safe otherwise.

The journey was ok. Cept, we were stuck at 2nd link for nearly 2 hours I think cos the bus was late. And because we were delayed there, we almost missed Subuh. dah nak syuruk then we managed to solat, like finally.





Reached Terengganu also late. We missed the ferry so we had to wait another 4 hours or so before the next one, so we went to Pasar Payang to have brunch and SHOP!Unfortunately I only had RM50 so shopping meant sight-seeing for me. And getting kacau-ed by some mat M'sia who found Ustazah's walkie talkie funny and my 'Jom Jadi Baik' badge something to joke about. -_- Tsk tsk.. After Zohor/Asar prayers, we just... waited and waited for next ferry.





Finally it was time to board the ferry and on the ferry ape lagi, tido lagi lahh!



Late afternoon we reached. Whoohoo~ Redang finally!!! Was super disgusted with all the taik kambing on the road though. Eww~







Se-disgusted nye aku, was still looking forward to the next few days. Afterall, Ustaz said it's full of mystery and will be VERY different from past KRC. I didn't know he meant it in the negative way... "Sesuaikanlah diri anda..." were the words of Cikgu Fauzan... And 'sesuaikan diri' was what we really had to do. Just look at our 'bedroom' and our 'bathroom'...








The 'bedroom' is actually an old classroom with the tables and chairs stacked to a corner and then there were 5 bunk beds in it. Erm, 5 bunk beds, 10 tilam, 22 girls. nope no mistake. In the end we pushed all the beds to the sides against the windows, some of which the panes were missing, grabbed some tilams from the boys' which is just opposite from ours then we bentang all the tilams on the floor and slept like sardines on. The 'bathroom' is actually 2 kolah where we had to use gayung to mandi in front ofour friends, while still trying to maintain aurat sesama wanita. Hmmms, not easy okeh. Tu gambar tu laughing through 'misery' tu. Apakan daya, terpaksalah 'sesuaikan diri'... Haha which meant cheating. I didn't use gayung, but used the big pipe instead. Faster la seh. Cleaner too. Penting ehk.

After our rooms are settled and we'd bathed, we went to our common place which is where our indoor activities were held including breakfaast, lunch, dinner. Had to clean the room first though... And so we carried, and lunged, and swept, and wiped and all. Taking turns of course.










When it was ok, we ate then went for Maghrib/Isya' prayers before coming back for ice-breakers, groupings, making of group identity + name and choosing of penghulu & penghuluwati.










And finally, that was the end of Day 1...

To be continued ;P

Actually I'd been having great days since last Sunday (will say later)

But hmm... Adalah a few happenings which makes me sad. Like the passing of Junaidah's nenek yesterday (marilah kita sama2 sedekahkan Al-Fatihah padanya semoga rohnya di tempatkan di dalam golongan org yang dimuliakan ALLAH... sry Jun my mum tak kasi hadir tadi pagi...), and Ad's confession (thru K.Maryam) this afternoon and ya there's one more. People in my close surroundings are feeling down, mane boleh I'm not affected kan? Gakkan time happy je kita tompang happy, time sedih pon kita share sesama juga semoga bebanan (jika ada) yang dirasa lebih ringan dan mudah dipikul...

It's like a slap in the face... Apa tak nye, my mum had been nagging at me about it since I came back from my camp marathon. K.Maryam I'm going through the same thing as you sis... Though yours came from your bro in a joking manner. Mine was SERIOUSLY like a slap in the face.

I've been so busy with events/camps and running here and there and everywhere filling every single second of my life with planning for them sacrificing sleep and eat and all that I fail... in my responsibilities to those close to me. I have defiitely failed in my duties as a daughter for the past at least 4 months (since final planning stage for night cycling). And as a friend, I think I've failed for the past year at least. I truly wish to apologise to these people, but I'm too egoistic I suppose.

My school results too hadn't been 'cemerlang' lately... Padahal studying is an ibadah too. Speaking of ibadah, my solat hadn't been cemerlang either. And when was the last time I puasa sunat? Entah lah. Nama je pergi Kem Remaja Cemerlang (KRC) tapi tak cemerlang dalam aspek2 kehidupan langsung, apa dah.

We KRC participants attended a post-KRC gathering last Sunday night and we drafted out a 'Fityan ikrar' which Ust Irwan will compile. In the meantime, this is my ikrar for short-term:

Aku, sebagai seorang Muslimah yang ingin cemerlang di dunia dan di akhirat berikrar untuk
-tidak melewat-lewatkan waktu solat
-mengutamakan urusan di rumah sebelum urusan di luar
-rajin belajar dan mengulangkaji pelajaran untuk ujian DAN peperiksaan
-peka atas keadaan orang-orang di sekeliling
-membantu mereka yang memerlukan
-memberikan usaha 110% dalam apa jua urusan

Tak banyak, sikit je, 6 je inti ikrar, but I'm sure it'll be hard to carry it out. And therefore I ask for the help of my dear friends to support me and remind me of this ikrar at all times and to be patient with me if I get pissed off at you for reminding as well as to understand my situation.

To top it up... Ya Allah, yang Maha Berkuasa dan Maha Mendengar, berilah aku kekuatan untuk melawan nafsu yang boleh membawaku ke kerosakan kerana diri ini amat lemah sekali, selalu terdorong untuk melakukan kemunkaran...

I have reorganised my priority from:
1. Fityan Ghufran
2. Nur-Ikhwan
3. Kawan-kawan
4. Pelajaran: Biotech & DPIA
5. Pengurusan diri
6. Keluarga

to:
1. Pengurusan diri
2. Pelajaran & Keluarga
3. Kawan-kawan
4. Nur-Ikhwan
5. Fityan Ghufran
(with effect from tmr, I'm so tired today!)

My dear Fityanees, it's not that you won't see me around at all, but most likely I'll just be participants or tukang sebok. I won't be able to be part of the organising comittee for the upcoming events (most likely till around February or even as late as May next year). Gonna miss you guys... :'(

My dear NI-ans, I know I've accepted the responsbility entasked to me and NI should be at a high priority but I am not able to do that. I HAVE TO lessen ny commitments outside... But as in my ikrar, insyaAllah I'll give my 110% where possible.

My dear friend... Ad, sorry if I'd been too busy being everywhere that I couldn't be with you much as like in First Year. I do wish for myself to be as diligent in my studies and I will try to help you out wherever I can like how it was in First Year. Do not hesitate to ask for help when you need it. Yes I may sound frustrated sometimes (most of the times I guess) but insyaAllah I'll help. We'll start studying early k? Sett?

My dear friend... Siti, I know you don't read my blog but I wish to write it here anyways... Hey, so sorry to have to decline the past few meet-ups you suggested. I'm sry i hadn't been able to be with you lately to go visit the unis, to have your hair cut etc... InsyaAllah we'll meet up one of these days and chill together yes? Miss the sec school days so much, esp the times we'd sit together on bus 10 to catch the anime every morning on the way to school and sitting in the parade square listening to the ending on my hp radio...

Erm... Shall we go to the happy side of things now??

Oritez! Sunday afternoon, was soooooo glad DTalk went by smoothly and eventhough we forgot to take a pic as a whole together and I had to rush off halfway and I looked stressed (cos I had to rush off for an exam which I couldn't finish studying for and neither did I finish my tugasan2 uh no), deep inside I was feeling light and relieved and just glad that it's over!

Faraidh exam was do-able! Whohoo~ I might even score for it, insyaAllah ;) And.. I saw my results for last term: A- for Musthholah Hadith and A for Sejarah and Tamadun Islam! Ok, wish I had an A for Mustholah but hey, alhamdulillah seh! I thought I'd fail...

Post-KRC gathering was ok I guess. Ust, nak tengok video!!! Bila boleh siap? The session was spent on 'Langkah Bermula' to set our collective 'ikrar'.

Yesterday... LAST duty was heck. Had to clean 6 rabbit cages, eww~ But luckily erm... what's that guy's name? Nvm. He helped us transfer the rabbits and so a 40mins task was cut down to 10mins yay! Finally had to identify the mice numbers, total of 15 mice I think, aiyo~ so hard to identify in the end just hantam only larh!

BPT tut and lec, I slept through both, oh my... I was seriously sleepy la k... Missed out quite alot, erm oh well... This is like what, my 3rd or 4th time sleeping while teacher is talkingg THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. InsyaAllah it won't become a bad habit.

Received BPT term test paper back blergh! 29/50. Thought I'd fail... But after seeing how the rest of my class did (Thilini got 47/50 ok!) 29/50 is as good as a FAIL for me la ok...

Today... Cleaned abit of my room. Now I can sleep spread-eagled on my bed! No larh, I won't do that.. Then I kinda accidentally skipped TE lecture. My brainwaves still haywire, but hey I'm not the only one! Mr Cheung larh kept changing the timing. I honestly seriously thought it start at 1 instead of 12 -_- Ada hikmah tu, got to clean my room, and... Mr Cheung spent half his time talking 'crap' amidst his announcements according to Ad anyway. Oh got my TE paper back. Alhamdulillah not bad...

Dah tu je.

Sry masih malas nak update about my 3 camps... To get an insight, read K.Maryam's blog. We went through rouhly the same thing..

K back to CSAS zzzzzzzz....

Ok lah, I realise I'm being so petty in my previous post. But it really makes me feel better to be able to get it out tau. Memang my purpose of writing that is not to menyalahkan sesiapa (no names were mentioned), especially when I think about it, mungkin others ade sebab mereka ketika meremehkan perasaanku ketika itu. It could be that memang ade yang lebih penting dari my asking for help time tu. I understand that the camp was very rush rush. Time is a major factor.

Along the way pon, memang I'm pretty sure I treated others the same way too. I mean in my rush to complete tasks I could have mislooked others' needs as well. It happens. And I'm not blaming anybody. I've forgiven =) though forgetting is another matter, especially when it taught me a painful lesson. Once again, I'm sorry the previous post had to be the opening to all the great things that happen during KRC. I saw the pictures posted and I can't help smiling lar. =D There were many fun activities done together with friends whom we regard as family throughout the whole camp and after. Even in families there are times we forget about one or more of the members of our family.

Huhu, I'm guilty of that... That's why amongst the things I wrote, there was one sentence saying I'm disappointed with myself as a daughter. I know there are many times I prioritise other things above family even though I claim that family comes first no matter what. Hmm... Ni pon tengah serba salah ni. I'm trying to complete my D'Talk tasks and so I had to refuse my mum to accompany her to go pasar malam =( Feel bad about it lar... Kalau nak explain to her, nanti she say yelah kalau kat luar bersungguh-sungguh, kat rumah dengan family sume takde. Sedihx dengar ='( Kekadang ade benarnya. But I'm seriously torn between responsibilities. I think it all comes down to niat... entah eh?

But I try larh. More so after returning from KRC. Like on Wed, my dad was taking a flight to Bangkok at 6.15 but he was reporting to airport at 3 nd at 3 I was still at An-Nahdhah baru habis solat after D'Talk meeting. Alhamdulillah I managed jugak to send my dad and I made him SMILE wideeeely cause of something I said!

"Take one step at a time, there's no need to rush, it's like learning to fly or falling in love... it's your faith that makes you stronger" - Currently listening to the song on Liyana's blog.

Makes sense. Maybe I'm rushing with too many things at once.

There was an anonymous letter I received during KRC which says something like it's good that I'm always thirsty for knowledge but I should go slow so as not to get too stressed. Hmm, ade betol. Sape eh tulis letter tu? There were two letters which I really dunno who they came from. To all who gave me letters giving words of appreciation and/or encouragement, I thank you =)

Sorry kawan2 I couldn't update about KRC properly yet or even post pictures, I am currently rushing against time...

So, the best I can do is to link to others la yerh?
Sis Maryam's multiply - pics
Ustazah's blog
Ustazah's multiply - pics
Fahmi's blog
Jun's blog - pics

Waiting for Raudah, Liyana, Lina, Hidayah, K. Maryam, Zee, Hanisah, Hasanah, Azraie and meeee to update lol. Hoping to find my 'new friends' blogs. Hehe, google search soon.

Currently uber excited and nervous about D'Talk. It's tonight! Lup dub lup dub... Brrr... Eyoeyoeyo... Uh oh... Argh!!! K nvm, you won't understand ;)

And I can't wait for this Sunday KRC gathering!!! Psst, dun show my snorkeling video tau, sungguh memaluuuuuukan!!!! I was so surprised to see it on the screen during the Penutup for KRC on our last night at Redang. Paiseh la seh, betol macam penyu :P

Link 1 to KRC pics by Sis Maryam

Macam-macam yang sedang dirasai hinggakan aku sendiri tidak tahu apakah 'perasaan' itu. Ketika Ustaz Irwan meneranglan tentang 'FAST' dimana F menandakan 'feelings', aku tak tahu nak dijawab apa. Aku teringat ketika di dalam ferry pulang, ketika semua nyenyak tidur, aku tidak dapat lelapkan mata sebab air mata deras mengalir. Terlalu banyak yang bermain di benak fikiran hingga ke saat ini. Dan ia tidak hanya merangkumi KRC sahaja, malah menyeluruh tentang hidupku dan matiku.

Sebenarnya aku ini tidak mahu blog pada hari ini. Namun perasaan yang bergolak membuat aku membuka blogger ini untuk meluahkan isi hati.

Tidak tahu mengapa, kebelakangan ini aku banyak memikirkan tentang mati. Perasaan yang dirasa lebih kepada sedih daripada takut padahal aku patutnya takut sekali atas dosa-dosa yang banyak yang telah aku lakukan. Aku sedih atas banyak sebab yang secara berterus terang aku sebab-sebab tersebut sentiasa bersilih ganti atau bertambah. Terasa pilu sekali di hati ini.

Mungkin seseorang itu yang patut mengawal perasaannya dan bukan sebaliknya di mana perasaan mengawal diri, namun itu yang aku lalui saat ini. Aku tidak dapat mengawal perasaan yang menyelubungi diri.

Rasa pilu mengatasi perasaan-perasaan lain. Sebenarnya aku tak 100% pasti jiklau 'pilu' merupakan perkataan yang tepat untuk menjelaskan apa yang dirasai. Yang pasti, aku tidak berasa begitu gembira walaupun aku amat menyenangi activiti snorkeling yang sungguh menyeronokkan.

Aku tidak henti-henti berasa kecewa terhadap diriku dan juga terhadap orang di sekelilingku. Yang ini, terdapat terlalu banyak sebab sehingga terlahirnya perasaan ini. Kecewa atas diriku sebagai Muslimah, sebagai anak, sebagai pelajar, sebagai sahabat, sebagai pengikut dan sebagai ketua. Kecewa. Amat kecewa. Aku juga kecewa atas orang-orang disekelilingku yang padaku kadang-kadang kurang prihatin atas perasaanku dan atas diriku serta tidak memahami atau tidak mahu cuba memahami keadaanku, masalah-masalahku, rintangan-rintanganku dan juga perasaanku. Kadang kala aku terasa terkecuali. Kadang kala aku terasa menyendiri dan sepi.

Bagiku, bagaimana aku layani kamu, begitu juga bagaimana aku ingin dilayani. Aku amat berpegang pada prinsipku di mana aku berbuat pada orang bagaimana aku ingin diperbuat. Prinsipku ini menjadi cabaran bagiku ketika KRC apabila aku tidak dilayani sebagaimana yang diinginkan. Di saat aku meminta bantuan yang amat mendesak pada suatu ketika, tiada siapa yang menghiraukan. Mungkin kecuali seorang sahaja. Adik, yang dapat aku lihat pada wajahnya, sekurang-kurangnya dia prihatin dan menghiraukan situasiku. Mungkin bagi yang lain apa yang aku hadapi amat remeh sekali dan aku hanya membesar-besarkan isu yang kecil. Namun kejadian itu amat ketara sekali menunjukkan bahawasanya aku ini tidak dihiraukan. Sepertinya aku ini diperkecilkan.

Ini hanya satu sahaja peristiwa yang mengajarku bahawasanya meminta tolong pada manusia kadang kala hanya membuang masa. Inilah sebabnya apabila melakukan sesuatu, aku cenderung terhadap membuatnya seorang diri. Aku lebih selesa bergantung pada diriku dan hanya pada Allah. Meminta bantuan daripada manusia adalah jalan keluar apabila terdesak. Aku hanya akan bergantung pada orang lain jika aku tidak mempunyai pilihan lain. Mungkin ini merupakan suatu pandangan yang egoistic, yang mungkin tidak sihat bagi diriku, lebih-lebih lagi apabila perlu bekerjasama dalam satu kumpulan. Ia adalah cabaran bagi diriku. Aku tidak menafikan bahawasanya bekerjasama dalam suatu kumpulan itu mengurangkan beban atas diriku seorang, tapi terus terang sekali aku mempunyai banyak peristiwa pahit yang mengajarkanku sebaliiknya.

Entah mengapa, ini yang menjadi kenangan paling ketara bagiku, yang mengatasi pengalaman-pengalaman indah seperti ketika melihat coral-coral di dasar lautan ketika snorkeling, ketika melihat keindahan alam ciptaan Allah, ketika menyaksikan matahari terbit, ketika bergembira bersama teman-teman, ketika bergelak-ketawa menyaksikan gelagat teman-teman dan sebagainya.

Ingin aku minta maaf kerana ini merupakan entry pertama selepas KRC yang sepatutnya dipenuhi dengan kegembiraan dan kegaguman dan mengongsi tentang saat-saat ceria yang mengukirkan senyuman bagi semua yang hadir untuk KRC. Ini juga sebabnya aku tidak mahu blog dahulu sebelum yang lainnya blog tentang saat-saat gembira mereka, tapi aku terasa tidak berdaya menahan isi hati ini. Aku tidak ingin perasaan negatif ini disalurkan pada perilaku yang negatif. Maka baiknya aku cakap disini dan habis disini, dengan harapan aku dapat lebih fokus dalam apa yang perlu aku fokuskan pada saat ini.

KRC 4 will always be the best of all memories. THAT was a truly unforgettable pleasing experience which never fails to make me smile.

KRC 5 taught me alot of things. Maybe a bit different from what others learn. Cause my experience somewhat is different from others to begin with.

Cabaran. Apa itu cabaran bagimu?