Loooooooong Chapter
Monday, September 10, 2007
Yesterday and today was a very loooooooong and confusing chapter of my life. I dunno whuy, I feel very very rebellious these days, especially these past few days. It's like I want to lead my own life, to be the decision-maker, to be the determinant of what I do and bear the consequences of what I become. This is cause for misunderstandings, which leads to a lot of bad feelings and strained ties. But I guess all I need is time, a damn lot of it. And if possible, space, a damn lot of it as well.
If someone else was to view this chapter of my life on the tv screen or something, I guess he/she'd think that I'm insane; one moment I'm crying my eyes out while I mumble and grumble and grind my teeth about things I had no choice but to do, and another moment I'm grinning over something as simple as a cute odd-looking stuffed monkey. Really...
So anyway, what about yesterday? Remember I said my mum was membebel-ing behind me while I blogged? Well, it continued while I was ironing my clothes to go to Ghufran to attend SmartStudents. It was around 9.30am. Misunderstanding lah... She thought the issue was money while I thought the issue was how I wish to do certain things my way. And yeah by the way, I'm not the kind to put my hands behind my back, listen to everything that's said and nod in reluctant agreement. No no, that's my brothers, even if one of them nod and shake during the 'lecture' yet do the complete opposite after that. No. Me, if I'm not happy about something, I say it. I let my opinions count, at home lah. Outside if someone cuts my queue or someone pusposely hits me, I just find it hard to say what I think. Entahlah. Weird huh? Back to story... So dah gitu2, aku fed-up (padahal initially cuba nak maintain cool tau) aku buat je lah untuk habiskan cerita. Abistu merajuk, kwang kwang kwang... Dah tak payah pujuk. I missed SmartStudents, partly 'cause it was already late (padahal macam tak biasa lambat eh) but partly 'cause nak tunjuk merajuk, rebel ah, konon ape aku buat suma untuk jaga/naikkan nama keluarga tapi tak appreciated. Emo eh?
Dah sedih2, marah2, merajuk2, buat ape yang patut dan yang tak patut, abistu penat, ngantuk haha. On MP3 dengar lagu Crash & Burn by Savage Garden, lagi teruk aku nangis seh!!! WHO WILL CRASH AND BURN WITH ME???
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore
(Chorus)
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day
(Repeat Chorus)
'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart
(Repeat Chorus)
Sebuah kisah luka
mengingatkan aku akan
Keagungan Tuhan
Sengketa yang melanda
Membuatkan aku sesal sendiri
Perlukah ianya berakhir sebegini
Kini ku sedar setelah lama
Ku mencari
Sebuah persahabatan
Perjalanan kita ini masih jauh
Penuh dengan onak duri
Penuh cabaran
Dan jua rintangan
Perjalanan yang jauh ini
Perlukan teman-teman yang memahami
Yang sejati
Mampu membimbing diri ini
Silaturahim yang telah
Terjalin kini
Bersamalah kita hargai
Walaupun kita terkadang
Bersengketa
Itukan lumrah
Mendewasakan kita
Pengalaman yang dilalui semalam
Mengajar kita hakikat kehidupan
Suka duka kita tempuhi bersama
Menjadi kenangan indah kekal
Untuk selamanya
This late afternoon, I didn't want to go home first to change just because the people I'm meeting and the place/event I'm going to was not suitable for a jubah. I don't care! But I had to... (Reminds me of PPP : "This is the umpteenth time that I have to tell what to wear, and what NOT to wear. When are you going to learn??" My reply would be: "You don't have to tell me. I will choose and that way I will learn.) Then my dad wanted to send me, and he hates to wait. But I had no choice. I needed the toilet, yet I was already pretty late 'cause I HAD TO GO HOME WHEN I KNOW THERE IS NO TIME FOR IT. I was in the toilet, when he called home twice and my hp thrice. And guess what? In my rush to make it downstairs in 5 mins, I forgot to takethe camera my bro asked to bring along and I FORGOT MY HP, a very essential tool on days like this.. Things go wrong when youre mad, mad at yourself! And know what? I thought my dad was gonna send me all the way to bugis... Skali setakat kat Tamp mrt stn je... Ish!!!!!!!!! Tak worth it langsung seh aku kena marah! Kalau tau, bilang dia suruh balik je lah, tak yah tunggu! Bukan nye jauh seh rumah ngan mrt! Kaki aku dah baik, 10 mins pon boleh sampai. Lambat 5 min ape salah. Tak worth it hatiku terguris lalu remuk sehinggakan air mata membasahi pipi. GERAMNYA AKU TAU TAK!
Nasib lah found joy. There's really a lot of joy everywhere. All you need to do is to find it, with your heart... (This makes it easy for me to do my task since the objective involved JOY).
Friends (especially those who are always ready to embrace you in open arms even if it's the third time that day). They bring you joy.
Innocent small children (especiallythose who pray but seems to notice a group of teenage girls laughing at their cuteness when they talk and point and look away while praying). They bring you joy.
Funny and/or meaningful/inspirational sayings. They bring you joy, or at least hope.
Sweets like jellies (especially when given by a small girl who doesn't even know you!), chocolates, ice-cream, sweet delights or just any finger-linking good food like McSpicy burger with chilli and curry sauce yum!! *licks lips* Those definitely bring you joy, but warning: not too much of it 'cause it'd be a reason for another type of depression, especially for girls.
Cute stuffed toys, like a squirrel with a red mushroom which can hide stuff or a white fluffy dugong or polar bear or whatever it was or a green turtle or any random ones which have wide cheeky smiles n their faces. Those too will bring you joy.
What else? You can try sleep. Though I won't guarantee a dreamless one and thus may not be effective. Or how about getting yourself involved in a project? I don't know, to me it depends on your niat. Let it not be that you're trying to run away. Let it be that you're carrying out Allah's will maybe? Afterall when you do things for Allah and/or 'cause of Allah, in the name of Allah, everything will seem to fall into place. Everything seems right. Just look at nature! Isn't it so lovely?! :D I'm smiling now as I type you know.. The memory of all these itself can bring a smile to my face which may last a lifetime.
Anyway, colours play a role in you. Some may notice, I'm always donning bright colours. Is it because it's all sunshine in my life? Haha, if you read the above, you'll find NO as an answer. Yet yes comes in between. And even if I'm down, sometimes I wear bright colours to hide it, to show confidence that everything's alright. At the same time, when I wear black or dull colours, it doesn't really mean much. Haha, don't bother to interpret lah kayz. Enjoy Reflections by Christina Aguilera...
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I'm not good at writing poems or what, so I just use song lyrics, Sorry yaw it has caused my entry to be super long, but it truly expresses how I feel.
But now my eyes hurt a lot a lot. I'm super sleepy now. Cannot tahan already. Looking forward to another chapter tomorrow. I wonder what the content is.
