Disappointment. Regret. Shame. Defeat. Failure.

The above are what best describe my feelings right now. My results were so much below expectation. Maybe, my expectation was too high... Too high that when I fell, I can hear the thud when I hit the ground. It is loud. Very loud. Too loud for my liking.

I would have liked to go JC. It has been my dream to go JC ever since I was born, when my eldest brother got into Temasek JC. He'd always been my idol in terms of education. When my brother graduated from NTU, I told myself, I'd be just like him in 5 years time, though maybe from a different university. But, I fell behind him. For PSLE, I was behind him by 1 point and I told myself I'd beat him for O levels. And when I received my O level results this afternoon, I know I'm way behind my brother. He scored 10 points better than me! It's not only a matter of not managing to beat my brother, I've also let down so many people who'd hoped I get into a JC. And now... I've said goodbye to JC and am saying hello to Poly of which I'm rather clueless about.

I could have worked harder. I could have done better. But what's done can't be undone. What could go wrong had gone wrong. What I can do now is to accept what I get and work out the best solution from it. Afterall success is not a destination, but a journey. What William posted on his blog is true: "Accept what is already decided for it reflects your limitations and to accept limitations is human." And no doubt I am a human, a weak human on the face of this wide earth. I can say what happened had been fated, though the fate could have been different if I hadn't slacked the past months before the O levels exam. Oh well, it's no use crying over a spilt milk, even if that's what I did the moment I stepped into the tension-filled hall and the moment I heard Mr Tan said that I could try for MI. The same phrase he used when I took my prelim results. The same! How could it be the same?! I wonder now and I shall keep wondering till I can accept my results. And until I accept my results, I have to take out all the Poly booklets I have and figure out which course at which Poly would best suit me. I hope I can get into a good course that I would enjoy at a convenient Poly.

Disappointment is... hard to bear... I hope it doesn't happen to those of you out there.