*sigh* My FOC mates once said "There are some people who works best under pressure, but Marliyana... she thrives under pressure"...

and Harizah ever said, "I dunno how you do it, but eventhough you start your essays and reports the night before or the morning of the day when they are due, you do a good job with them anyways."

and Mahmudah ever said, "Your paraphrasing is good eh. You put the theory in layman's terms that I cross-refered to your lab report when doing mine when I don't understand what the practical manual is saying." And then I told her that I only started paraphrasing the theory on the morning of the day the report was due...

Yet, people doubt my capabilities. People see me as doing 'unnecessary' things instead of doing my assignments.

*sigh* I do my homework and I do study you know... When I need to arh...

It's not that I like doing things last minute, no eh, but I just can't seem to do things early... And it works for me... So...

Sometimes I do find myself out of the study circle, not that there's an official one but just that these people from JC seem to mug and mug and mug all the time and their lives seem to revolve around homework, assignments, projects, reports, essays or revision. And yes they manage time better than me I guess, but I'm me and I can't be like them no matter how hard I try in my first year...

I don't even know myself well. There is no specific condition that I work best in. There is no specific place that I work best in. There is no specific time of the day that I work best in either.

It all depends on my mood and situation... Sometimes I have to study while in motion in the train or on the bus or even while pacing around a room, while sometimes, rarely though, I need to sit still and do nothing else but focus all my attention on one thing. Sometimes I need to listen to music, at other times I need to have complete silence that even the sound of the fan irritates me, or there are times also that I need natural sounds like people walking and talking. Sometimes I need to be with people who're studying before I can study, but most of the time I prefer to be on my own wandering around, finding a spot and getting to work. Sometimes I am most productive after Subuh, sometimes late at night or in the wee hours of the morning yet there are times it's just anytime of the day. As mentioned earlier, i can study on the train/bus, I can also study in the library, I can study in the canteen, at a foodcourt, at a cafe, at a fastfood restaurant, at the mosque, at a study corner, at a shelter, in my room, anywhere. Most of the time I study while lying down, but I can study sitting down as well. Whatever works...

I just don't study all the time, and yes, I guess I'd kinda given up on my As and honours... I give my best all the time though. I don't think I could have done better. I'd always been a B average student anyway (since poly that is... secondary was a C/D/E/F for me, while primary was a A/A*/distinction for me... I dunno what happened, but yeah, B... average...)

I don't like it though that people seem to look down on me as if I'm lazy or I don't give particular attention to my studies... Cause I am NOT lazy and I do pay attention to my studies. I pay attention in class as much as I can, I do my work and submit by the deadline, and I've improved rather tremendously in terms of reaching class on time (especially considering I live 2hrs away from school...)

It doesn't help that the system follows JC syllabus... And if JC students have studied the topics before, then I'm at a loss... There are lesser times that I get ahead of the class. I think there was only Microbiology and the beginning of Genetics and Organic Chem that I was at an advantage.... It's good for me that I'm learning new things, but it's bad that I feel like a mouse chasing after a cat... Playing catch-up is no fun... :(

Feeling sad about this now but I shall not regret the path I'd taken. Just need to cekalkan hati and ask Him for strength in facing this journey He has put me in...

There are moments that I catch the momentum and actually do work... Like Thursday, I finished half of my lab report already, and I only stopped because I'm stuck. Or today, I googled for one of my bio assignment... These are the moments when I have innate motivation and thrive. And there are moments when I just can't get anything done, and I accept that. I know I have limits and I only push them when I need to.

I think I'm not the only one feeling this way... Most average poly students that make it to uni face the same thing. The word is to describe is: "struggle"... I say 'most average poly students' because the above average ones are normally in tune with the JC kids (still.. not always, I know a few people who were above average in poly and struggling in uni now...). The average poly students either end up working, or really, the struggle to adapt in uni is as I have described.

I dunno what I'm rambling about. This is all crap. It's probably just my mindset. My mind IS in a jumble right now and petty things like this start to bother me, when at other times they are just a common itch on the skin that needs to be scratched away quickly. I'm gonna get back to work, if I can... Urgh, *frustrated*