I think I'm selfish.... Very. But waddeheck, I shall delve into that another day. I used to give in alot, but I learned my lesson... I only give in when I need to now. Forgive me for being selfish.

The past two days had been hectic with awesome happenings, it's so awesome that I can't seem to pen it down hehe.

Let's see, let's take a look at the things that happened:

Thursday~
morn: 5th driving lesson. Reached 15 mins late cos got delayed at home when some pest control people checked the house. Kevin was absent, Andrew joined me instead. Andrew made me see logic in the things I do on the road, I loiike!
early afternoon: wanted to Zohor at Masjid Mydin, talked to a makcik there while waiting for azan, interesting to hear her story holding 3 jobs to put her four children through school single-handedly, and one of her children is one of the exective officer of something at MUIS who goes on visits to Syria, Yaman, Saudi etc with distingushed people of the country.
same afternoon: found that i lost my ezlink card when i wanted to tap at kembangan mrt and decided to traced back my steps all the way back to Masjid Mydin and to the busstop at the top of the hill at Jalan Senang, and when I went back to kembangan mrt, turns out i dropped my ezlink at the Cheers shop there -_-
late afternoon: about 15 mins late for Chem *shrugs* chem equations just made me go bonkers that I left the class saying I wanna die. Harizah's comment was funny: "Chem makes you have suicidal thoughts???"
early evening: prayed Asar, went to find the final clue from my Angel under the photocopier at level 2 -_- and met up with the Bio people to go for sushi at Yew Tee shin Tokyo! Izzati drove us in mai's Wish hehe.
evening: sushi was greaaaaattttt! except the sweet potato croquette, blergh.
night: on such a full stomach i rushed to Masjid Al-Khair for Maghrib and Isya', woah.

Friday~
morn: badminton with Bio peeps at yishun. Yishun?!?!?! Yea... 2 hours late, but really i was so tired seriously. Badminton was woohoo~! Rejuvenating!
afternoon: went home for a quick shower and Zohor before going meeting Husni to go Asian Civilisation Museum. Thought it'd be $8, but turns out it's free! yay~! enjoyed the camwhoring moments and can't wait for Husni to upload pics!
evening: had mcflurry after the visit and felt a sorethroat coming, and apparently ignored it as I went to get a packet of nasi briyani and gomped down the whole packet at Ghufran. Yums.
night: FMS meeting, argh still no motivation, it's not about not seeing the reason for doing or not having enough manpower but i dunno, i just can't seem to sit down and START where I left off months ago.

Ah shucks, people start coming oredi. GTG!

Dah lama tak dengar ni! Such a timely reminder for dear self who've been thinking too much about shopping and holidays and outings and food and such...

Can't wait for Pesantren for some cleansing of the heart, insyaAllah... Mudah-mudahan niat tak lari!

"Take only what you need from this dunya and use it while earnestly striving to reach your Lord and seek His reward" - a reminder for the wayfarer on this journey of purpose

I'm excited about driving tmr, whee~!

At about 7.30pm I saw Mahirah posted a pic of her tudung on this tudung hanger that I'd been looking for. Found out that Ikea sells it at $9 only compared to prices I've heard, straightaway after Isya' I changed and got my dad to drive me to Ikea, and in less than an hour, I was safe and sound with 2 of such hangers hehe. 2hours later, I've hung about 50 of my tudungs and realise more than 20 are the plain ones that I usually wear, and more than 20 others are the designed ones which are smaller, and thus I rarely wear. AND I realise I need another of such hanger for my shawls, no space oredi :s

My point is, wow that was a fast (and rash) decision! Haha

Driving is at 10.20-12.00 tmr. Then I have 2 1/2hrs to travel to school and zohor. Argh it's tutorial tmr and I haven't done it. by hey I finished reading about the seed plants life cycle before Bio today and by the time I reached Tiong bahru on the way home, I'd finished Chonrichthyes and Osteichthyes. Gotta finish tutorial before class tmr...

Today we had a field trip to Botanic Gardens. Interesting though it was pretty hot and tiring, had to be careful with my footing on the slopes we went on... trust our prof to go off the walk trail...

Oh today is Pink Hijab Day! Yay for pink! Haha, and I realise I have alot of pink tudung but very few pink tops.. Hmm...

I wanna shop for pink tops, shirts to go with skirts, skirts and shawls, but.... not this month... I'm scrimping every cent I can. Driving (school) is costing me a bomb. Sheesh... next pay still need to pay for December bookings. Please please please let me pass before I turn 22... I wanna drive officially! Haha, but for now still alot to learn... So yeah, let's take things slowly...

Alright world, I should attempt to do my tutorial, or at least go to sleep...

I feel productive today. Finished going through Agnatha lec notes before class this morning, which is earlyyyy. Even reached school early to go and print. Had my long-awaited cutlet spaghetti lunch before going to the IAW oepning ceremony. Was late, but yeaaaa... Studied abit of Chondrichthyes before taking a short nap. Was paying attention in Chem. Studied abit of Spectroscopy and made notes of the formulas after lec. Continue to read abit of Chonrichthyes after Maghrib and during dinner, afterwhich continued on Spectroscopy. On the train I couldn't take down notes but I finished going through the whole Chapter 1 of Spectroscopy. Perhaps I can jot down the notes tmr.

Would like to finish the Chondrichthyes notes and read on seed plants life cycle for tmr's visit to Botanic Gardens, but I'm rather exhausted. Migraine whole day, but yea I feel accomplished...

Things to accomplish tmr:
- read seed plant life cycle on the way to school
- finish Chondrichthyes probably on the bus ride
- jot down Spectroscopy notes during break (if any... doubt so...) or during train ride home
- attempt Swee Ngin's tutorial, hopefully can finish by tmr night on the way home, otherwise I'd attempt it on Thurs morning before driving

Quite alot for a slacker like me actually but insyaAllah can as I have the momentum...

Right now, I should really get some rest.

Pink hijab day tmr!

Driving was greaaaaaattttt today! I was more confident on the road, can change-up and change-down on my own with less prompts from Kevin. Footwork and gear coordination was much better. I see improvement in myself, yet of course there's more room for improvement especially at bends, overtaking and changing lanes. Shall work on those this Thurs insyaAllah. I still panic when i dunno what to do on the road, hehe. That'd take abit more work. The 1hr plus was usual, silent and boring haha, but good la, can concentrate on the road. I'm just happy that up till now I haven't stalled the car hehe, though sometimes I still release the clutch too fast that the car jerked. I'm excited! Hopefully yes yes I can get my license before I turn 22!

I just finished watching Chamber of Secrets on DVD. Wanted to watch it on Channel 5 last Sat, but only got to watch abit as we had to go down to bbq oredi. I miss my HP crazy phase! Hex rpg, virtual Hogwarts, reading fanfictions, writing my own fanfiction... Haha, I was talking to Liy about HP and realised I know ALOT about HP, I wanna read the books again, I wanna play the games again, I wanna watch the movies again, I wanna talk about HP again! I even named my phone silent mode as Silencio last time hehe.

Ok, I missed out on my sleep and study time today! HP has got to wait till 17 Nov. Need to study smart and rest well hehe.

I can't wait for pesantren this Dec, a nice way to get things in order after exams (which includes my FTT too) :)

I need you Allah, always... but more so, now...



When you feel all alone in this world
And there's nobody to count your tears
Just remember, no matter where you are
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you carrying a monster load
And you wonder how far you can go
With every step on that road that you take
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS
No matter what, inside or out
There's one thing of which there's no doubt
Allah knows
Allah knows
And whatever lies in the heavens and the earth
Every star in this whole universe
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you find that special someone
Feel your whole life has barely begun
You can walk on the moon, shout it to everyone
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you gaze with love in your eyes
Catch a glimpse of paradise
And you see your child take the first breath of life
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS

When you lose someone close to your heart
See your whole world fall apart
And you try to go on but it seems so hard
Allah knows
Allah knows

You see we all have a path to choose
Through the valleys and hills we go
With the ups and the downs, never fret never frown
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS (x2)

BRIDGE:
Every grain of sand,
In every desert land, He knows.
Every shade of palm,
Every closed hand, He knows.
Every sparkling tear,
On every eyelash, He knows.
Every thought I have,
And every word I share, He knows.
Allah knows

I'm crying... Oh Allah, you know my state best, I seek refuge and comfort in you my God, my Lord, my Sustainer, my Provider, my Love.

Nom nom nom nom nom... *sigh*

My mum said that I act differently at home with family and outside with friends.

Well, to a certain extent I wouldn't deny that. Family is my mahram, I can be comfortable with. Outside with friends there are certain limits to how I act right? At home you can say out your thoughts and feelings openly but outside with friends you may have to filter abit for you have not known them all your life and wouldn't know how they'd take it.

At the same time, I'd say that yes I'm garang at home with my family, and yes I'm garang outside with my friends too, ESPECIALLY when I'm rushing an assignment, my patience and tolerance is really low and anybody near me just gets it. And lately, that is how it is, school has started and so there are assignment after assignments to rush for. And I just don't wish to be disturbed....

And I am very impatient when teaching someone something too (i.e. teaching my mum how to use a new handphone, just as teaching a friend say.... how to plot a graph on excel?) which I'm trying to change la actually since I'm going to be a teacher and I'd definitely need to be patient with the weaker students...

But my mum thinks that I try to be an angel outside and her suggestion that I'm being hypocritic is... hurtful. Just feel that the advice or reminder could have come in a nicer way than a sindiran...

Haiz, another thing is that, this week I'd be home before Maghrib every single day, but when I came home late yesterday (I told her I had bbq with friends, obviously it'd end late...) my mum said I come home late everyday.... That's not fair... That's not true! I'd really been trying to cut down my commitments outside by having no more than say... 2 meetings per week! Of course it doesn't help when meetings start late cos people come late and so we have to end late grrrrrrrr... so angry. I rejected to being the vice-president of NTUMS (as in, I was nominated only lah, not chosen pon but yea I rejected the post out of my own free will) and I ignored the msg to be the finance/business manager of Islamic Awareness Week (sry! I was busy! and yea me and financing/business don't really get along well together... And since I lost my contacts I have no idea who msged... so I just decided to ignore since I'm afraid that if I reply, somehow I'd get dragged into it anyways... It's easier to reject in sms than in a call or face-to-face conversation...) anddddd I also rejected to be the Head of Muslimah for the Tarbiyah subcomm giving the excuse that my commitments in Fityan requires much of my attention already. That's THREE rejects ok. It takes courage to say no, but I have been juggling and I'm sick of being a clown. I'm not being courageous, I'm just being realistic. With my parents being overbearingly erm... like this (I dunno, I guess I was such a free bird when I stayed in hall that I just feel caged and suffocated now when my parents ask what time am I going out, what time am I coming back, who will I be with, where will I be going like everyday... I know I know, girls my age some still have curfews etc and probably get it worse, but yea...) I just have to lessen my commitments outside and be at home more (which I don't really know what to do other than the normal lah, facebook, watch tv, eat, do work, read, sleep, and that is wrong? And I DO talk to my parents, what else is expected of me, tell me!!!! It's not that I don't wanna go out with my mum or family, they just have to tell me earlier so I can plan my time... please, I only go out with friends like once or twice a month... other than that, it's usrah, meeting or camp... which doesn't count. When was the last time I watched movie? In august before Ramadhan? When was the last time I had dinner outside with friends? Ramadhan? When was the last time I went cycling or had a bbq or went to play boardgames or just chit chat? Before yesterday, I can't remember when was the last time... Quite sometime ago seh.

And she said that when I'm at home I always sleep, well you have to understand that 2hrs journey to school and another 2hrs journey home IS very very tiring for me especially with lectures in between that just drains all your energy as it requires attention and thinking! (I'm putting much effort in understanding all those equations that's being churned out in class like nobody's business!) This sem I only fell asleep twice in lecture. That's an achievement, especially when I have to leave house as early as 6.30am like on Mondays. Of course I'd be tired and would sleep when I see the bed!

And that accusation that I always sleep is not right! This week I spend two hours daily at least to sit in the living room, eat, watch tv and chat with my parents during tv advertisements. That's effort on my part! An unrecognised effort at that... But I don't think right now is the right time to say that to them... What with all my brother's weeding preparations and I dunno what other things there are...

But yea, I feel so unappreciated. I feel that none of the good things I do get acknowledged or even recognized at all, yet my wrongs are amplified 1000 times, by my own family! And I don't see no effort in trying to understand me... Just so sad...

La tahzan Marl, la tahzan... I feel so alone in my journey sometimes. Sometimes I would share with some of my close sisters/friends but mostly no, I won't, what's the point? Everyone has problems... So I keep them all to myself and yea, let things past, which they will after some time...

This shouldn't be on my blog, especially if someone finds this and talks to my mum about it (like something that happened before) but I need an avenue to let out. I feel bad typing this here as it is, but it's no use talking to my mum about this now to smooth things out. Whatever I say will be rebutted anyway. But yea I've smsed her some of my thoughts yesterday. I hope she doesn't regard it as 'talking back', I'm just desperate to be understood... I guess this is a typical complain of a erm... youth? Things will get better tmr and probably bad again the next day and good again the next next day etc etc. Things will come to past and when you look back, sometimes you just laugh at stupid things that happen, or realise the whole hikmah of others.

I wanted to talk about the bbq yesterday actually. I was bored most of the time, but simple things in between like playing Scramble and TapTap on Ati's phone with Liy, watching Chamber of Secrets with Ati and Liy, trying out tennis with the bunch of them, playing Codebreaker with Hilmy and Ati, Air Hockey with Hilmy, the birthday cards, the bbq itself and our 11.30pm late gorging of food to finish everything and our midnight HTHT session, they made my day, made my week and eventhough I''m stressed that I didn't complete any work at all yesterday, I enjoyed myself because of the company. I love my FOC peeps...

Oh my camera's fixed. I have my darling back to snap and video 'evidences' hehe. I missed my camera...

Ok, I should either eat, study or sleep like now. Have madrasah later...

My brother is officially moving out today, he's packing his things with his wife now :( There will be a day that it'd be my turn to leave too... Maybe. And if/when it happens, I think I'm gonna cry because of its significance... My second brother will most likely be the one staying with my parents...

On another note, I have found another reason to visit Dubai thanks to Liyana haha. It's one of the places on my wishlist (oh I got bored and decided to mengelamun for awhile thinking of things I wanna do, and places I wanna go to and Dubai turned up in my list hehe). I'm not a fan of swimming (eventhough it's in my wishlist too just because it's something I rarely do) but the experience with the sharks at the Atlantis Aquaventure Water Park sounds fuuuuuuuun!

Haha, I need something thrilling soon, my life is so dull right now with assignments and reports and books urgh I need fresh air.

Harizah suggested parasailing at Batam this December. I hope I'd be able to go :)

I'm hungryyyyyyy, I seem to be hungry all the time today despite all the food I chunk down! Fact is, there're food I'm craving and I won't get satiated until I get them! Hei Sushi! KFC Popcorn chicken and fries! Swensen spicy fish pasta! *drools* Oh and I keep hearing Wendy's and turns out there's one at Tampines Century Square! I wanna go try!!!

I didn't exactly had a great day. I was so lethargic... And I just had no mood to complete my lab report and had to force myself to crap anyways... I did finish it on time afterall, and even had time to buy and chow down some sardine breadrolls and nuggets before class... But something my friend said hurt me. Same story... About studying...

I don't see why I have to prove anything to anyone... But I feel I need to prove to my friends I can do it... It's a good peer pressure I guess, but I'm not happy... I completed two more pages of slides on top of the two pages yesterday... And I can't wait till I don't have to take Chemistry modules anymore...

You know, I'd been thinking of KRC4 these few days... I miss it. I miss my group, Pesantren Lenggoong... What a myriad of personalities, strong ones at that... Apart from Nadhirah, the rest of us are rather active at Ghufran now. We should have another KRC laaa... I didn't really enjoy KRC5 other than the snorkelling, I dunno, just less significance I guess? KRC4 meant a lot to me, part of my turning point in life, and the activities were gerekkkkk! Flying fox, water rafting, survival cooking, nightwalk, secret admirer etc...

I wanna be young again and have an excuse to be naive hehe

Actually I'm rather proud of myself. I struggle with Chem, I'm almost clueless when A level concepts are brought up, which is most of the time. I take forever just to do simple conversions! To have passed all four Chem modules last acad year is quite an achievement, and all praises be to Allah!

Alhamdulillah, finally I got around to lunging the NIE laptop all the way across Singapore to get it fixed, and fixed it was under an hour :) Anddddd... Samsung called me to say my camera is ready for collection, whee~!

When I asked, my mum dengan selambanya announced, "Kau jadi cameraman la." Hahahaha buat kelakar betul my mum ni, but unfortunately, she was serious :s. There will be an official wedding photographer la, but my mum wants a set of ours, erm... Kak Maryam, nak pinjam dslr pls! I shall ask my other bro or uncle to help take pics while I video the procession though, whee~!

Oh my mum also said that she'd need me to be close to her at all times. I asked for what? She said, "Jadi mama boleh suroh kau ke sini ke sana la." Kaos, anticlimax betol haha.

I feel like getting myself a new dress, but dunno eh...

I have 4 wisdom teeth, and they're all halfway out. Normally they don't hurt, but when they do, you just feel like killing yourself. Opps, random.

Best jugak jadi adik pengantin eh... Tapi lagi best jadi pengantin kan! Opps heheh :P

Mudah-mudahan semua berjalan dengan lancar... :)

Exams in about a month's time *gulps*

My lecturer says that as a teacher, we should use analogies to help our students understand better, and I realise I'd been using interesting aka quite merepek oso analogies in my blog entries. Haha

Well, there's improvement in my thought process then. Erm.

MAK nak kawen! Hahahah, not yet larh, but I couldn't help grinning from ear to ear hearing Abg Sham's akad nikah just now :D Dah, dah halal dah :P

Haha my aunt was here for three days helping with the gubahan for hantaran, so we joked that she'll be here for seven days for my second bro while she'll be here for a month siap khemah angkut satu wardrobe skali for mine hahahah.

The atmosphere was so kecoh, a positive one larh. And my aunts and uncles are so funny, ade2 je hehe.

Finally, my brother's time is here. It could have been 5 years ago or two years ago, but it has been written in the book that it will be today and thus, today it is, with Kak Liza :)

Actually I think I'm burning out... Even before the race starts. Kental...

It's never easy to make decisions. May Allah always be the guide behind every decision I make...

Saying no takes courage. I never used to be able to find that courage, but now I have to. It's necessary... I have chosen my battle and I shouldn't turn around. I should give my all in this battle that I'd chosen. Afterall, the goal of both battles is the same, just that the battlefields are different and so are the soldiers. I chose to fight with the brothers and sisters that I have been with for the past 5 years or so. May Allah give me the strength to carry on. I find it hard to move forward. So many distractions... So many obstacles. Persevere Marliyana, for Allah and for the ummah.

I watch the Korean show Bread, Love and Dreams and I learn something from Kim Takgu. You shouldn't chase after positions and titles and such, but go for your passion and your dreams, fight for what you believe in...

School has been pretty a-ok... Pimples sprouting all over my face, eww. But I'd finished my AED essay just now, in 1-2hrs despite cracking my brains for the past week or so to no avail. I enjoyed the last session of the Social Context module just now. I know I'm in the right track, at least for the next 6-7 years of my life. If I think back, I find that I had been tarbiyah-ed just to prepare me for this profession, insyaAllah, I found my calling. I know I have other dreams, other lifestyles I can still see myself in, but since I'm already about 1 1/2 years here, let's make the best out of these next few years and continue to develop myself while I'm at it. I see alot of opportunities to develop myself in this profession. Yes, to be a teacher in this 21st century may sound overwhelming, I think it still is very overwhelming, but I'm excited for the challenge. I can't foresee what fish (kind of students, parents, colleagues, leaders, school environment) will I get but the thought that by the end of just 8 years I would be a better person, insyaAllah, is motivating. I just hope I don't get burned out...

My brother's solemnization ceremony is tomorrow night! So excited :D I missed Abg Wan's and Kak Fiza's solemnization ceremony, I certainly don't want to miss my brother's. *excited*

My head has been throbbing from lack of sleep. The pimple breakout is probably because of this too *sigh* I'd better get some early rest tonight...

Hah?! It's 11.17pm??!! It feels like it's only 9am... :(

I just came back from my third driving practical. I think Kevin, my instructor is tired, and pretty much bored at how slow I learn... And I still can't keep straight in my lane... But at least I improved in putting to gear 2, I didn't put in the wrong gear again and also I pretty much got the hang of braking or clutching in first when approaching a red light behind a car. I shall improve on my gear change (1->2->3->2->1) next Monday, Kevin ask me to control it on my own already without having him to prompt. Gear change itself at least have 4 sub-points I need to remember. Hey so far so good, I've yet to mount a curb (close enough though) or stall the engine (hahah, whenever the car make weird sound, clutch in!) Whee~! Quite demoralised when he feedback at the end of the practical just now, but thinking about it, not bad leh, on my third lesson... And yep yep I shall read the notes I jotted down before next practical and try to improve my gear change.

I have another practical next week and 2 more on the last week of October. I plan to book for twice weekly in November, but December I don't think I can keep to that frequency due to exams, holiday and pesantren insyaAllah... I guess I'll go back to twice weekly (or more) in Jan and Feb. Hopefully I pass my FTT on 16th Dec and get to book a TP before my 22nd birthday! It'd be nice to pass before my 22nd birthday! :D And I shall work towards it. Semoga Allah merezekikanku untuk lulus...

Stress jugak arh pikir pasal S-course, crank-course, parallel parking, vertical parking, stop on slope, directional change and U-turn but insyaAllah boleh. By end of Feb, I should have covered about 30 practicals if I follow my plan. *gulps* I would have spent $2000 or more by then. I guess it's a worth-it investment but woah... $61 per lesson, I better make ch and every lesson worth the money...

Dear Kevin, please have patience with me and don't scold me, I don't wanna stop for the second time...

I cannot take it when I'm scolded...

Speaking of which I can't even take it hearing people being scolded. I don't have the heart for it. As in I'm talking about serious scolding ar... I hate arguments, I hate when people can't compromise and give and take a little, I hate it when people even start raising voice at each other. I get scared of the consequences... Anger brings people nowhere but bad consequences especially if people totally don't talk rationally and just shoot their mouth off or their hands start to move :(

Oh, actually I'm feeling pretty scared on the road, whether I'm driving, or I'm being driven or I'm a pedestrian. I haven't totally gotten over the second accident, and the nightmare I had just made things worst. I talked non-stop or went to sleep to distract myself and I just feel like pulling myself away from the door when my brother drove at a fast speed at the expressway last Saturday night.

I'm wondering how to survive these 4 months as I spend on driving, and I still have to pay for my madrasah fees, my hp bill, my basic necessities and daily expenses, my transport fare (which is like a freaking $4 everyday to and fro school!) apart from the amount I give my mum. I really cut down on my savings... Gotta go earn some bucks to cover up for the lost in savings...

There's so much I wanna talk about today! But sheesh I'd better START on my essay due tomorrow... And go book my practicals for November before it's too late!

Indeed, those were just crap.

My friends care for me and therefore they advice me, so that I can get my As and excel in my studies :)

It's all about mindset. Sorry friends.

*sigh* My FOC mates once said "There are some people who works best under pressure, but Marliyana... she thrives under pressure"...

and Harizah ever said, "I dunno how you do it, but eventhough you start your essays and reports the night before or the morning of the day when they are due, you do a good job with them anyways."

and Mahmudah ever said, "Your paraphrasing is good eh. You put the theory in layman's terms that I cross-refered to your lab report when doing mine when I don't understand what the practical manual is saying." And then I told her that I only started paraphrasing the theory on the morning of the day the report was due...

Yet, people doubt my capabilities. People see me as doing 'unnecessary' things instead of doing my assignments.

*sigh* I do my homework and I do study you know... When I need to arh...

It's not that I like doing things last minute, no eh, but I just can't seem to do things early... And it works for me... So...

Sometimes I do find myself out of the study circle, not that there's an official one but just that these people from JC seem to mug and mug and mug all the time and their lives seem to revolve around homework, assignments, projects, reports, essays or revision. And yes they manage time better than me I guess, but I'm me and I can't be like them no matter how hard I try in my first year...

I don't even know myself well. There is no specific condition that I work best in. There is no specific place that I work best in. There is no specific time of the day that I work best in either.

It all depends on my mood and situation... Sometimes I have to study while in motion in the train or on the bus or even while pacing around a room, while sometimes, rarely though, I need to sit still and do nothing else but focus all my attention on one thing. Sometimes I need to listen to music, at other times I need to have complete silence that even the sound of the fan irritates me, or there are times also that I need natural sounds like people walking and talking. Sometimes I need to be with people who're studying before I can study, but most of the time I prefer to be on my own wandering around, finding a spot and getting to work. Sometimes I am most productive after Subuh, sometimes late at night or in the wee hours of the morning yet there are times it's just anytime of the day. As mentioned earlier, i can study on the train/bus, I can also study in the library, I can study in the canteen, at a foodcourt, at a cafe, at a fastfood restaurant, at the mosque, at a study corner, at a shelter, in my room, anywhere. Most of the time I study while lying down, but I can study sitting down as well. Whatever works...

I just don't study all the time, and yes, I guess I'd kinda given up on my As and honours... I give my best all the time though. I don't think I could have done better. I'd always been a B average student anyway (since poly that is... secondary was a C/D/E/F for me, while primary was a A/A*/distinction for me... I dunno what happened, but yeah, B... average...)

I don't like it though that people seem to look down on me as if I'm lazy or I don't give particular attention to my studies... Cause I am NOT lazy and I do pay attention to my studies. I pay attention in class as much as I can, I do my work and submit by the deadline, and I've improved rather tremendously in terms of reaching class on time (especially considering I live 2hrs away from school...)

It doesn't help that the system follows JC syllabus... And if JC students have studied the topics before, then I'm at a loss... There are lesser times that I get ahead of the class. I think there was only Microbiology and the beginning of Genetics and Organic Chem that I was at an advantage.... It's good for me that I'm learning new things, but it's bad that I feel like a mouse chasing after a cat... Playing catch-up is no fun... :(

Feeling sad about this now but I shall not regret the path I'd taken. Just need to cekalkan hati and ask Him for strength in facing this journey He has put me in...

There are moments that I catch the momentum and actually do work... Like Thursday, I finished half of my lab report already, and I only stopped because I'm stuck. Or today, I googled for one of my bio assignment... These are the moments when I have innate motivation and thrive. And there are moments when I just can't get anything done, and I accept that. I know I have limits and I only push them when I need to.

I think I'm not the only one feeling this way... Most average poly students that make it to uni face the same thing. The word is to describe is: "struggle"... I say 'most average poly students' because the above average ones are normally in tune with the JC kids (still.. not always, I know a few people who were above average in poly and struggling in uni now...). The average poly students either end up working, or really, the struggle to adapt in uni is as I have described.

I dunno what I'm rambling about. This is all crap. It's probably just my mindset. My mind IS in a jumble right now and petty things like this start to bother me, when at other times they are just a common itch on the skin that needs to be scratched away quickly. I'm gonna get back to work, if I can... Urgh, *frustrated*

It's 5.57am in the morning and my mind is pretty much in the same state that it was in last night. I keep finding that I am lost in a maze in the middle of nowhere finding for something which I'm not sure what and I have kinda lost track of where I am and which direction was I heading towards. Really, I think that's the best description I can give of my state right now. And if I were to describe the state of my mind right now, I guess the best would be: a plain white canvas draped across a heavily-graffitied big wall, which people had been flicking all kinds of colour paint on it and never bothering to explain to me why they do what had they just done leaving me to figure out what picture is being painted, even if it means taking a whole lot of imagination to link the dots of paint together.

I... dunno what to say. Maybe I need another plain white canvas to go over the wall again. *shrugs*

My very-much-repeated-phrase lately has been: I dunno, I dunno, I dunno!

I have no idea where did 2010 go to and what have I done these past 10 months.... I really do feel stagnant. Not that I hadn't been learning anything... I have, just that... I dunno.

I think right now I need someone to help me paint the big picture. The FULL big picture, and not just bits and pieces and asking me to figure it out. Though I doubt that'll happen. People have their own canvases to paint. It is really up to me to put a boundary around my canvas, get people to queue up and I need to personally supervise what kind of picture everyone will paint together. It is MY canvas.

I lost my compass. Anyone wanna lend me one? I wanna get out of this maze sooooooooon.

Such an irony to see the title of my blog: Journey of Purpose... The Purpose remains, but I have questions. Questions after questions that make my head hurt thinking about them as I get super frustrated with myself.

What is your reason to lead?
I dunno!

What do you deserve?
Nothing! Who am I to say I deserve anything?!

Upon lying on the grass and gazing at the starless night sky, I couldn't help crying as I conversed with Allah asking Him what is His purpose of sending me on earth. I thought of my family, I thought of my friends, I thought of everything I went through and I couldn't figure out who is it I should and deserve to be. I even went through His verses that I'm familiar with to find some guidance, and that night, I found none. I've never felt so lost and dismayed in my life. To lose your identity is to lose yourself.

And I don't think I've found the answer yet, though I have remembered what I had forgotten. The reason for being in NIE may not be clear to be, but somehow I just know that it is right where I need and should be. And this clears some of the air.

Ok I'm tired.

Lyrics:
Social Expectation drowns us all inside
What you have should be what I want
Cos what I have just aint alright
The clothes I wear, the way I comb my hair
How I live, oh I dont care

This is who I am, this is me
Nothing, everything, cant you see
Who I am, just let me be
Cos like it or not but God loves me
Who I am

He said, she said, they all did
Whats expected of them all
To get to the top dont matter
If somebodys gotta fall
You gotta brace the storm, the norms to conform
Get what you wants gonna kill us all

Beyond the body that you see
Theres so much more to me
And I feel best when my soul is free

They tell me this is the way
that I need to reform
If I continue to stray,
Im gonna start up a storm
Wear this, drive that, like this, not that
Dont dare lose track or youll fall way back
But if my Lord loves me then
I know that Im free
You can say what you want just let me be
I know if Im real and its not a disguise
Youll love who I am if you open up your eyes
I insist that you see, I aint a mystery
Its who I wish to be, this is me
Its whats true within, come and look again
Looking through the skin
Who I Am

I am here,
and I always will be,
till there comes a time,
when I know for sure,
that thee will not be here for me.

Only then,
shall I take my leave,
with tears in my eyes,
and a scar seared deep
in a heart that has always been patient
waiting,
wondering,
if it would ever find its pair in thee.

I cannot know what the future holds,
so my heart shall stay patient
and wait for what may not be.

But yes,
for now,
I am here,
and I always will be.

So random. But I'm in kind of an artistic mode. School's enough to feed my intellectual mode, so I need an avenue to sharpen the other side of me.

Hmph, I was just in such a jolly mood. Hate it when people spoil my mood so early in the morning over such a trivial matter like EATING. Spoil my day. Abe gakkan nak melawan kan, kurang ajar pulak, but so unfair, sebab orang lain I get the blame too... Like ???????? Selalu gitu seh, so sad. This comes with being the only girl, kaulah racun, kaulah penawar, kaulah segala-galanya.

I shall be driving again today :) Abit excited, abit nervous, abit "aiyar, just do it". I shall strive till I get a license this time round insyaAllah. It's about time... I dunno, I just feel like 21 is an age to get up and grow up. I never had the confidence that I will pass driving before this just as I had no confidence of being a facilitator or mentor. But at 21, I find myself saying that if I don't have confidence now, I never will.

I still don't have the confidence of leading a group of people my age or older towards the betterment of society though. Still hiding in my shell and telling myself that people will look down on my capabilities and there's no point in leading people whom I would have to spend time earning trust. I need to show what I'm capable of first (though I've yet to move towards it, since I don't know if that path is what I want to pursue in).

Haha, this reminds me of the conversation I had with Amina on the train a few days ago. She kept being surprised at what I'm capable of. And when I asked her what was her first impression of me the first time I stepped into the room for the first meeting with the advisors, commandant, deputy commandant (herself), coordinator and co-ccoordinator, she said that she thought that I look like an English teacher and is in the welfare role (HAHA). I as the head programmer was 5th in command and I guess I showed that I'm a follower rather than a leader back then. But the way Amina is surprised is like funny! She was so surprised at how the creativity and ideas flowed in programmes team (though that was largely due to a very wonderful team which included Luthfi the ideas generator). She was so surprised to know I was in silat and so can't imagine me doing it (actually I don't see myself doing it either, I was just trying new things heheh and I learned cool stuff indeed and I think I did lose some weight :D). She was shocked to see me carrying the thick Invertebrate Biology book around and can't see me as a Science-y person (well, if she means to say I don't look like a nerd, thank God, but really, I love and am passionate about Biology especially Molecular Biology stuff!). And she was super impressed when I solved all 3 (easy, medium AND hard) codes on mastermind in 7 steps or less! Hahahaha I may not show that I have IQ, but gosh, have I been showing like I'm such a dumb bimbo? Hmm, a point to ponder on ehhh.

Ok, I'm 2hrs away from driving. Whee? I should go get ready now, wouldn't want to be late.

Because of driving, I'm like super broke. Never in my life have I had less than $450-500 in my bank account and today it stands at $9 plus 0_o

Come on Marliyana, you can do it. Get up and move it! You have faced worst situations before, right? This is nothing. This is just another obstacle in the way in making you a better person, a better Muslim. Isn't that what you always strive for time and again? This isn't the first time you fall. You've fallen and you've managed to rise up again. Almost immediately sometimes. Always making things better at the end of it. Always giving your best anyways. Is whatever you're doing right now the best you can offer? If you see this as a failure, making you tumble and fumble around on the ground finding for something you grasp on, then why continue to fumble? Place your hands firmly on the ground and push yourself up, rise up, face the challenge, it's not too late, this is just nice for you to do something and make things right. You wanna be able to facilitate better right? This is an opportunity for you to improve. Go for it. Go all out and give your best as you have always done.

I see some sense in what you're saying dear mind. Thank you for giving this piece of heart a piece of your mind. I, your heart is not fully convinced, but indeed there is some truth in what you say dear mind. We need to work closely. I'm not fully convinced with all that you have to say but I shall try.

Don't try dear heart, don't just try. Give. Do. Be the best that you can.

Oh dear mind, it's much easier said than done. It's much easier said that done... Help me think of something and then we talk again.

Alright, I will think of something and I'll bother you again later dear heart. In the meantime, I ask you of one thing. Please revisit your intentions and correct it if it hadn't been on the right track, ok dear heart?

I shall try.

Don't just try. Do it. You have to. For both our well-being. Remember, you have a purpose to be where you are. Carry out the divine purpose that you feel you are here for.

And you shall carry out the divine purpose that you think you are here for too ok?

Ok, that's a deal.

Right, it's a deal then. Hear from you again later.

To be honest, I'm seriously at a loss of what to do or say. I'm thinking! or at least I'm trying to... My brain's half dead. Tutorial, essay, lab report, revision, family, friends all giving me a big headache. yet I can't find it in me to cry and let go and relieve the tensions. I'd find small joys that brighten up moments and then I'd find myself in the deep abyss again.

I feel senseless, unable to know what am I doing, where am I going and what should I do next, and I really don't like this feeling. It makes me feel lost and helpless and clueless. My defense mechanism of late has been to numb myself and let things pass by me as if I'm a lifeless form. Ignorance is bliss... To a certain extent... When you discover the damage that you had caused through that ignorance, you shatter into pieces with the damage, and thus, before you can repair the damage (if it can ever be repaired) you have to find ways to piece yourself back together first.

I'm trying to pick up the scattered pieces of me, and while doing so, I'm wondering how to piece everything up together to make me whole again. And on top of that, I'm wondering how to repair the damage too. It has come to a stage that I have to repair it, I can't keep going on pretending that the damage doesn't exist. But HOWWWWWW???

I'm so tired. Been sleeping late, waking up in the middle of the night, taking short naps following that and pushing myself through each day as I worked towards completing my essay and lab report. Urgh, I need to better manage my time.

Should I rest on it for the night?

Bila jiwa terasa kosong, hidup bagaikan hilang segala ertinya. Makanya hendaklah jiwa itu diisi dengan zikir kepada Allah, supaya ketenangan dapat terasa...

Di keheningan malam tanpa teman mendampingi diri,
Saat ketenangan dicari dan didamba sang hati,
Terasa diriku bagaikan dinyahut dan diseru,
Untuk menjadi tetamu, khas di rumahMu.

Kebelakangan ini hati terasa begitu resah,
Diselimuti pelbagai macam masalah.
Tapi dini hari sebagai tetamuMu,
Telah aku luahkan segala isi hatiku itu.

Walaupun masalah tetap masalah,
Namun pelbagai nikmat berlimpah-ruah.
Lalu hanya satu kalimah membasahi lidah,
Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

:)))))

I have Maher Zain's songs blaring on my new speaker while I wait for Kak Liza. We're going to JB! Wawa will be there but I dunno how to layan kids la. The last time round we threw a ball around in the car and she had so much fun, and I was wondering what's so fun about that. But since she likes it, I continued. Fact is, i think I'd forgotten that there's always a child in everyone and I miss that child. Well, today's childrens' day, happy childrens' day dear child, let's have fun today!