Ya Allah, rasa jiwa kosong semacam... Rindu dengan suasana pesantren. Rindu dengan teman-teman di pesantren. Rindu dengan kasih sayang Ustaz. Rindu dengan berselawat, berzikir, berwirid ramai-ramai. Bila baca sorang-sorang kat rumah rasa sunyi gitu. Tengok video atau dengar voice recording rasa macam anak panah menusuk kalbu sebab rindu sangat.

Bila di pesantren tu, walaupun ada stress tersendiri tak cukup tidur, kena handle participants dan sebagainya tapi terasa tenang. Walau di belakang saya ada teman yang 'diganggu', sebab di hadapan saya teman-teman lain sedang berzikir atau berselawat, saya rasa tenang dan aman.

Bagi saya, kehidupan pesantren lah yang saya tercari-cari. Untuk menguzlahkan diri buat sementara waktu untuk mencari ketenangan jiwa dalam mengabdikan diri pada Allah dan memupuk cinta kepada Rasulullah saw... Sayang, pesantren kilat ini cuma seminggu dan sememangnya seminggu sahajalah yang saya mampu ketepikan.

Sukar bagi saya untuk pulang ke 'alam nyata'. Rasa seperti terlalu banyak masalah perlu dileraikan, dan semuanya sepertinya berjalan begitu laju meninggalkan saya di belakang. Keluar sahaja dari pesantren tiba-tiba masalah keluarga, masalah kawan-kawan, masalah organisasi, masalah sekolah semuanya menghentam bertubi-tubi sepertinya benteng yang mengepong diri dicerobohi.

Pada saat yang sama, saya sedar inilah realiti dan saya perlu berdepan dengannya dan sesuaikan diri... Akan mengambil masa sedikit, tapi insyaAllah boleh...

Exams are over; and after watching Sunkyunwan on KBS, chatting with Harizah, playing chess (which I lost 3 times in a row, and gonna lose more if I don't resign from the game) and reading abit of Harry Potter, I realise one thing as I start reading my notes for this Sunday's madrasah exam on Sejarah Pendidikan Islam (History of Islamic Education... Sounds chim eh? Macam History of Magic in HP :P) that is: I am very lucky and should be very grateful that I'm living in Singapore. I have such a thing as education (irregardless of the 1001 comments about the education system in Singapore) and even as my exams end, I am able to bathe myself in such luxury as watching tv, reading books and playing online games... How many people my age out there afford such luxury? For all my incompetency of getting into NTU, I'm so-called under MOE scholarship in NIE for a degree and that should count as something to be very grateful for... Alhamdulillah... Imagine if I were in some other parts of the world where I would probably have to work to support my family, or I'd be married with dunno how many kids to care for, or live in a fear-stricken environment as war rages... For all the little things that I complain about, I should very much be grateful for everything else...

Chess teaches me that no matter what you face (like getting your 'men' killed) you have to keep striving forward towards your goal, and never to let go of that goal. If your goal is to gain Allah's pleasure, then don't stray from it. What other things you do (like trying to keep your own King alive or trying to get your soldier to become a Queen or trapping the opponent's Queen) should be for your one and only ONE sole goal (which is to trap the opponent's King in chess).

It also teaches me that you need to strategise well and each move must be significant. All must be in line with your ONE MAIN goal. So in life, whether you are studying/working, or having lunch with a friend, or spending time with your family, or buy new clothes etc should be aimed towards your ONE MAIN goal, we should set the right niat, may we be amongst the successful in life and the hereafter.

Each move you make, make sure you scan your environment first. Make a well calculated move. Because once you make a mistake, it may cause your direct downfall. In life, always think of the consequences of your actions. Be accountable towards your choices. Make the right choice so that you may not regret it in future. Whatever choice you make, make it for your ONE MAIN goal.

Sometimes you need to sacrifice the little things (like your soldiers) to ensure the bigger ones don't get sacrificed (like your horse or castle or pawn or worst your Queen or King). It is so in life too. Remember your goal and don't stray from it.

This serves as a major reminder to myself first, for here I am blogging after playing chess when I should be studying *opps!* :)

One paper down. I just hope I don't fail it. *cries* Please don't let me fail it ya Allah. I'll be happy with a pass.

Three more papers to go. Must.keep.going.

I'll be staying over at Liyana's hall tonight. 9am paper tmr.

I'm so sleepy right now, but I've yet to finish studying for tmr.

Can't wait for all the papers to end next Mon. Then I'm gonna have icecream at Swensen.

Please don't let me fail any papers ya Allah....

I feel restless. Not physically, but somewhat internally.

I know I should be studying (no sense of urgency at all!) yet I know I should be sleeping, yet I end up studying a bit and finding something to satisfy this restlessness.

I think I'm just hungry.

My diet was disturbed. Not diet as in slimming diet or what eh! I just can't be bothered with that kind of diet eh Marli. I mean eating erm... cycle? habit?

Had a heavy seafood at East Coast yesterday night with family. Was so tired that I slept in all the way till nearly 3pm and only got my brunch at 5pm. Nasi briyani! Ate alone at Food Culture by the way, but who cares. When I reached home, jamah abit of the Nasi ayam penyet at about 9pm and yea I think I'm hungry.

Or rather I just feel guilty for sleeping in this morning.

Or I'm just getting freaked out and super worried that I am 1 day away from my first paper.

And I really should sleep.

But I can't. And part of me don't want to.

I'm scared for exams lar... Alot more to revise and cramping in everything.

Maybe I just have many things in my head, which I really need to shove aside so I can do 1 thing at a time.

I can't seem to multitask anymore.

Ya I think I'm just hungry. *grumbles*

Just when I wanted to start a new roll on tumblr to mark the new hijrah year and a new project to promote Islam and Islamic values, tumblr seems to have crashed so back to all-time-favourite blogger.

Just wanted to say that I passed by Watsons just now and Maher Zain's song was playing. The cashier was a Muslim lady.

I went to Ahmad's play at Mountbatten CC last Saturday. He wrote the play while promoting a typical Muslim makcik (though not all makcik has a smart talented daughter that ran away larh eh) and the way he wrote it secara tak langsung he's educating his viewers about Islam, the five daily prayers Muslims perform, the fasting month of Ramadhan, the tudung to cover the hair which is aurat, the greeting of salam etc.

On facebook today a new movement has started to change display pictures to portray Islamic values.

Salam Maal Hijrah, may the truth prevail for many many centuries to come :) It has prevailed 1432 years (and more) and it is our duty as Muslims of this day to ensure that it continues to prevail.

There's alot that's going through my mind... :) If there really is such a thing as a quick quill, I would pen them all down. IF... I could put all of them into words that is.

I guess things happen, and I wanna share about them, but yet some things are meant for you, and only you will benefit from it, or find significance in it, or just appreciate it. There's a reason why it happened to you and not to someone else.

‎"Change your facebook profile picture to a cartoon from your childhood and invite your friends to do the same. Until Monday, Dec. 6, there should be no human faces on facebook, but an invasion of memories. This is a Campaign for Children's ...rights: violence against children."

It makes me happy, like we're all united ...for a rightful cause and aww, childhood memories :P All the more I keep visiting fb every few minutes hehe.









My ultimate favourite!!!! Though I didn't know that was what the lyrics meant :s



And I actually memorized the japanese lyrics of this song, though I can't remember what the cartoon's about:

I love this scene...

A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.- William Arthur Ward

Partly because I have friends who're more of brothers and sisters to me that are like this, that I now stand as who I am today...

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.



Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a fellow turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.



Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned too late when the night came down,

How close he was to the golden crown.



Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It might be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

I was digging my archives for some old posts and came across these personality profile of myself. I think I'd hardly changed at all :s

PersonalDNA
Saturday, January 24, 2009

Faithful Thinker

P.S. You can roll over each bar to read a short note on each

You're a thinker
#

Your cautiousness, appreciation of functionality, and imagination combine to make you a THINKER. (hmm... I guess so)
#

You have a vivid capacity for imagery that allows you to see beyond your present circumstances. (yup, sometimes, and these imageries help me get out of alot of difficult depressing situations)
#

You like to be sure of yourself before voicing your opinion. (yes, I do mostly)
#

A lot of your time is spent at home, or with the people you care about. (yes, if there's nothing, you'll find me at home the whole day)
#

Although you may dream often, you're very aware of how things work, and you value things that work well.
#

You take comfort in the familiar, and value predictability—and others value those things in you. (though I don't mind trying new things sometimes)
#

Accordingly, you prefer a set routine, and although you often imagine how things can be different, you're hesitant to take risks to change things. (but these days i seem to need to change my plans last min, I put more trust in where my feet brings me than where my mind and heart directs)
#

Sometimes you doubt whether you have the ability to face certain challenges, but your practical focus helps you solve most problems. (doubtful uhuh)
#

Because of this, you tend to be more reactive than proactive, thinking thoroughly about the challenges that you face. (yes I think/plan so much but don't do anything, and that's bad uh)
#

You have a broad-based, theoretical understanding of the world that allows you to understand its workings.

If you want to be different:
#

Try indulging your imagination a bit more by experiencing new and different things. (insyaAllah I would!!)
#

Have a little more faith in your capacity to do things—turn your thoughts into actions! (haha insyaAllah I'll try la k)


how you relate to others
You are Faithful
#

Your trust in others, respect for tradition, and caring nature make you FAITHFUL.
#

Maintaining a few intimate relationships is more important to you than knowing a lot of people, and you share a lot with your close friends. (not so true)
#

Those who have managed to get close to you value your camaraderie, and they know that they can trust you with anything; you're a good listener. (it's for you to judge)
#

While you can usually see several sides of an argument, you often have a strong opinion as to which side is correct—the order of things is usually clear to you. (mostly, but more often than not I won't say my opinion)
#

Your perspective on the world is based on careful observation, and you know a lot about how people feel in—and react to—many situations.
#

Your exploration of others' feelings has led you to believe that although people generally act appropriately, having clear social rules is very important to a functional society. (yep, that's why we have law what)
#

Time alone for reflection is important to you—you are introspective and aware of your own feelings. (YES!! I need that reflection time)
#

Faithful is as faithful does—you expect those with whom you are close to be loyal to you, and you take betrayal of your trust very seriously. (seriously yes. if u're nice to me, insyaAllah I'll try to be doubly nice to u hehe)

If you want to be different:
#

Some of the alternate perspectives that you understand may have more value than you give them credit for—keep in mind that right and wrong aren't always so clear-cut. (haha the grey areas between blc and white huh?)
#

While you are able to reap the benefits of your time alone, and may see interacting with a lot of people as more tiring than exciting, remember that there is a lot to be learned from experiencing things and not just reflecting on them. (well, you have to experience something and reflect on it la kan)

INTP
Thursday, August 14, 2008

Takde kerja lain gali archives hehehe... and found the analysis. The results INTP was from Psycho class last sem. I think yea I'm very much like this. Especially the one I bold the whole paragraph. If I know what I'm talking about, my voice will be loud and clear. If not, cakap nyamuk agaknya je dengar haha.

INTP - The Thinker


Logical, original, creative thinkers. Can become very excited about theories and ideas. Exceptionally capable and driven to turn theories into clear understandings. Highly value knowledge, competence and logic. Quiet and reserved, hard to get to know well. Individualistic, having no interest in leading or following others.

Portrait of an INTP - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

(Introverted Thinking with Extraverted Intuition)

As an INTP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INTPs live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into. They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems, identify patterns, and come up with logical explanations. They seek clarity in everything, and are therefore driven to build knowledge. They are the "absent-minded professors", who highly value intelligence and the ability to apply logic to theories to find solutions. They typically are so strongly driven to turn problems into logical explanations, that they live much of their lives within their own heads, and may not place as much importance or value on the external world. Their natural drive to turn theories into concrete understanding may turn into a feeling of personal responsibility to solve theoretical problems, and help society move towards a higher understanding.

INTPs value knowledge above all else. Their minds are constantly working to generate new theories, or to prove or disprove existing theories. They approach problems and theories with enthusiasm and skepticism, ignoring existing rules and opinions and defining their own approach to the resolution. They seek patterns and logical explanations for anything that interests them. They're usually extremely bright, and able to be objectively critical in their analysis. They love new ideas, and become very excited over abstractions and theories. They love to discuss these concepts with others. They may seem "dreamy" and distant to others, because they spend a lot of time inside their minds musing over theories. They hate to work on routine things - they would much prefer to build complex theoretical solutions, and leave the implementation of the system to others. They are intensely interested in theory, and will put forth tremendous amounts of time and energy into finding a solution to a problem with has piqued their interest.

INTPs do not like to lead or control people. They're very tolerant and flexible in most situations, unless one of their firmly held beliefs has been violated or challenged, in which case they may take a very rigid stance. The INTP is likely to be very shy when it comes to meeting new people. On the other hand, the INTP is very self-confident and gregarious around people they know well, or when discussing theories which they fully understand.

The INTP has no understanding or value for decisions made on the basis of personal subjectivity or feelings. They strive constantly to achieve logical conclusions to problems, and don't understand the importance or relevance of applying subjective emotional considerations to decisions. For this reason, INTPs are usually not in-tune with how people are feeling, and are not naturally well-equiped to meet the emotional needs of others.

The INTP may have a problem with self-aggrandizement and social rebellion, which will interfere with their creative potential. Since their Feeling side is their least developed trait, the INTP may have difficulty giving the warmth and support that is sometimes necessary in intimate relationships. If the INTP doesn't realize the value of attending to other people's feelings, he or she may become overly critical and sarcastic with others. If the INTP is not able to find a place for themself which supports the use of their strongest abilities, they may become generally negative and cynical. If the INTP has not developed their Sensing side sufficiently, they may become unaware of their environment, and exhibit weakness in performing maintenance-type tasks, such as bill-paying and dressing appropriately.

For the INTP, it is extremely important that ideas and facts are expressed correctly and succinctly. They are likely to express themselves in what they believe to be absolute truths. Sometimes, their well thought-out understanding of an idea is not easily understandable by others, but the INTP is not naturally likely to tailor the truth so as to explain it in an understandable way to others. The INTP may be prone to abandoning a project once they have figured it out, moving on to the next thing. It's important that the INTP place importance on expressing their developed theories in understandable ways. In the end, an amazing discovery means nothing if you are the only person who understands it.

The INTP is usually very independent, unconventional, and original. They are not likely to place much value on traditional goals such as popularity and security. They usually have complex characters, and may tend to be restless and temperamental. They are strongly ingenious, and have unconventional thought patterns which allows them to analyze ideas in new ways. Consequently, a lot of scientific breakthroughs in the world have been made by the INTP.

The INTP is at his best when he can work on his theories independently. When given an environment which supports his creative genius and possible eccentricity, the INTP can accomplish truly remarkable things. These are the pioneers of new thoughts in our society.

Personality Test
Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Jung Test Results

Introverted (I) 53.13% Extroverted (E) 46.88%
Sensing (S) 50% Intuitive (N) 50%
Thinking (T) 52.94% Feeling (F) 47.06%
Perceiving (P) 51.43% Judging (J) 48.57%

INTP - "Architect". Greatest precision in thought and language. Can readily discern contradictions and inconsistencies. The world exists primarily to be understood. 3.3% of total population.
Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


INTP
loner, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, wrestles with the meaninglessness of existence, likes esoteric things, disorganized, messy, likes science fiction, can be lonely, observer, private, can't describe feelings easily, detached, likes solitude, not revealing, unemotional, rule breaker, avoidant, familiar with the darkside, skeptical, acts without consulting others, does not think they are weird but others do, socially uncomfortable, abrupt, fantasy prone, does not like happy people, appreciates strangeness, frequently loses things, acts without planning, guarded, not punctual, more likely to support marijuana legalization, not prone to compromise, hard to persuade, relies on mind more than on others, calm

favored careers:
philosopher, game designer, scientist, software engineer, freelance artist, research scientist, assassin, freelance writer, physicist, software developer, mathmetician, geologist, computer scientist, philosophy professor, webmaster, slacker, medical researcher, painter, mortician, systems analyst, comic book artist, computer technician, website designer, scholar, archeologist, computer repair, forensic anthropologist, astronaut, researcher, historian, systems engineer, genetics researcher, astronomer, enviromental scientist, egyptologist

disfavored careers:
human resources, public relations, social worker, guidance counselor, health care worker, trainer, school teacher, wedding planner, movie star, hospitality worker, supervisor, child care worker, fundraiser, customer service, stay at home parent, office administrator

ISTP - "Engineer". Values freedom of action and following interests and impulses. Independent, concise in speech, master of tools. 5.4% of total population.
Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


ISTP
hidden, private, has trouble describing feelings, not very affectionate, loner tendencies, lower energy, can be insensitive to the misfortunes of others, disorganized, messy, fears drawing attention to self, anti-tattoos, anti counter culture, not comfortable in unfamiliar situations, avoidant, rather unemotional, does not like attention, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, hermitic, not complimentary, dislikes leadership, more submissive then domineering

favored careers:
aerospace engineer, technician, computer scientist, software engineer, software developer, scientist, bar owner, automotive technician, electrician, engineer, mathmatician, industrial engineer, nuclear engineer, biotechnology, mechanic, systems analyst, computer animator, data analyst, video game designer

disfavored careers:
artist, fashion designer, theater director, poet, dancer, actor, singer, english teacher or professor, art teacher, healer, stage manager, florist, art therapist, school teacher, music journalist

Allah Allah.

I lost the key, no wonder I'd been stuck since just now.

Lillahi, lillahi ta'ala! InsyaAllah khair.

I can still hardly believe that Im taking a degree in chem, even if its just a minor.

Come to think of it, I cant believe I was a Triple Science student, or that I carried through with Physics and A Msths till the end, or that I took elect lit for O's, or that I'm a Higher Malay student since pri sch, or that I even made it to Temasek Sec!

Even if you lose hope in yourself, don't lose hope in Allah k Marli k?

I came across this article awhile back:

*Siri Penulisan HOPE ini diadaptasi dari Modul Pengisian Tahajjud Cinta 3 : HOPE, Kehidupan Sebagai Ujian*

Dengan nama Allah, Yang Maha Pemurah, lagi Maha Mengasihani

Urwah merupakan putera kepada pasangan 2 sahabat nabi Muhammad yang begitu terkenal iaitu Zubair bin Al-Awwam dan Asma’ binti Abu Bakar as-siddiq. Kisah kecekalan Urwah sangat menyentuh hati. Urwah masih lagi redha dengan ujian yang diberikan oleh Allah kepadanya walaupun ramai orang yang mengganggap ujian itu terlalu berat untuk dipikul. Namun, kerana sikap redha dan juga yakin dengan ketentuan Allah, Urwah sentiasa menerima musibah sebagai ujian dan beliau juga yakin bahawa pasti terdapat hikmah disebaliknya.

Suatu hari ‘Urwah diundang oleh Khalifah Walid bin Abd Malik untuk datang ke istananya di Syam. Dalam perjalanan, ‘Urwah merasakan sesuatu yang tidak kena pada kakinya. Tidak lama kemudian, timbul sebuah bisul dikakinya lalu menjadi luka. Setibanya di Syam, khalifah mendatangkan seorang tabib untuk merawat luka itu. Setelah memeriksa luka itu, Tabib menyimpulkan bahawa luka itu merupakan suatu jangkitan yang akan merebak ke seluruh badan jika tidak dihentikan segera dengan memotong kaki.

Beliau setuju untuk kakinya dipotong tetapi beliau mahu tetap berada dalam kesedaran sewaktu operasi dijalankan dengan alasan beliau mahu sentiasa mengingati Alllah meskipun harus merasa kepedihan. Akhirnya tabib itu memotong kakinya dengan gergaji, sementara ‘Urwah dengan penuh kesabaran menyaksikan perkara itu tanpa sedikit pun mengeluarkan suara kesakitan.

Pada waktu yang sama, seorang anak ‘Urwah yang menemaninya dalam perjalanan telah ditendang oleh seekor keldai sehingga anaknya meninggal. Pelbagai ujian yang menimpa ‘Urwah namun belaiu masih boleh menemui alasan untuk memuji Allah meskipun dalam musibah yang memilukan. ‘Urwah berkata seperti ini:

“Ya Allah, Engkau memberikan 7 orang anak. Jika engkau mengambil satu orang, Engkau masih meninggalkan 6 lainnya. Dan Engkau memberiku 4 anggota (2 tangan, 2 kaki). Jika engkau mengambil satu, Engkau masih meninggalkan 3 yang lain.”

Masha Allah, begitu kuat keimanan Urwah dalam menghadapi ujian Allah. Tidak ramai orang yang dapat tetap menjaga fikiran positif, apa lagi bersyukur kepada Allah, ditengah-tengah hentaman musibah yang bertubi-tubi. Hanya orang yang benar-benar redha dengan ujian Allah sahaja yang dapat melakukan hal itu.

Pengajaran yang boleh kita cedok daripada kisah di atas ialah, setiap perkara yang berlaku kepada kita memang telah ditetapkan oleh Allah dan semuanya merupakan ujian untuk kita untuk menguji sejauh manakah iman kita .Oleh itu, tiada gunanya kita menyalahkan takdir. Yakinlah bahawa Allah Maha Mengetahui terhadap segala sesuatu kerana Allah adalah pencipta segala alam ini.

Firman Allah dalam al-ankabut:2

“ adakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan “Kami telah beriman”, sedangkan mereka belum diuji?”

Kelapangan dan kesempitan , kekayaan dan kemiskinan , kejayaan dan kekalahan, kesenangan dan kegembiraan, kesedihan dan kesusahan semuanya adalah UJIAN. Adakah kita yakin bahawa kita telah menggunakan kelapangan masa yang dianugerahkan Allah untuk melakukan kebaikan untuk mencapai redhaNya? Adakah benar bahawa kita telah beramal sebaiknya sewaktu kita sihat? Adakah benar bahawa rezeki kurniaan Allah digunakan untuk tujuan yang betul? Banyak lagi persoalan yang perlu difikir dan direnung kembali. Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang benar-benar beriman kepada Allah akan menganggap semua itu adalah ujian. ujian bukan diturunkan untuk menyusahkan kita tetapi ujian adalah sesuatu yang perlu diatasi dengan bijak agar kita mampu menjadi hamba Allah yang bersabar.

Firman Allah:

“Dan janganlah engkau tujukan pandangan matamu kepada kenikmatan yang telah Kami berikan kepada beberapa golongan dari mereka, (sebagai) bunga kehidupan dunia, agar Kami uji mereka dengan (kesenangan) itu. Kurnia Tuhanmu lebih baik dan lebih kekal.”

Kenapa kita diuji? Kenapa setengah orang cepat berputus asa apabila menerima sesuatu musibah? Sedangkan semua itu adalah ujian daripada Allah untuk menilai siapakah yang terbaik amalannya dalam kalangan manusia. Kita sepatutnya bersyukur sekiranya ditimpa ujian kerana sebenarnya Allah sedang menilai kita untuk diberikan kita syurga, ganjaran yang tiada tandingan.

Firman Allah dalam Al– Kahfi:7

“…sesungguhnya Kami telah menjadikan apa yang ada di bumi sebagai perhiasan baginya, untuk Kami menguji mereka, siapakah di antaranya yang terbaik perbuatannya…”

Allah tidak akan membiarkan manusia diuji di luar batasannya. Allah tahu bahawa kita mampu untuk memikulnya. Oleh itu, janganlah kita menolak kepercayaan yang diberikan oleh Allah kepada kita dengan berasa putus asa dan cepat mengalah .

Firman Allah lagi di dalam surah al-Baqarah:286

“Allah tidak akan membebani seseorang itu melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya”

Allah tidak sesekali meninggalkan hambaNya. Allah tahu kehendak manusia oleh sebab itu Allah telah menasihati kita serta memberi garis panduan bagaimana untuk menghadapi ujian itu sendiri. dalam surah Yusuf: 187

“..dan janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya tiada berputus asa dari rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yang kafir”

Kesimpulannya, tabah dan sabarlah menempuhi kehidupan ini kerana kehidupan itu sendiri merupakan ujian buat kita. Seindah atau seburuk mana pun kehidupan dan dunia di mata kita, akhirat jualah tempat kembali. Jadi, anggaplah ujian sebagai jalan untuk kita menuju syurganya.

http://www.ataphijau.com/2010/03/24/hope-the-seriescinta-menguji-iman/

Sedang meyakinkan diri sepenuhnya bahawa Allah tidak akan membebani hambaNya lebih daripada kemampuannya.

I can do this. I can do this. I'd always been a clown juggling all the balls in my hands carefully. I'd let go of so many balls and there's just a few left, how can it be harder than before when there were more balls?

I can do this, yes I can.

I saw many many pigeons at the open field infront of ghufran and I just feel like spreading my arms and running across the field scaring them away...

Maybe I'd feel better if I'd done that.

Just feeling so overwhelmed and suffocated. I've got Spectroscopy test tmr, meeting with Ili to finish Plant Diversity local flora assignment on Thurs morn, Animal Diversity lab on Saturday morn (meaning, vertebrate 10-pages assignment due then), NIE exams starting on 8th Dec, ending on 13th Dec, one paper after another (exclude Sat & Sun) of which I'm barely halfway through revisions and memorisation, e-trial tests on 15th & 16th Dec, FTT on 16th Dec, madrasah exams on 12th Dec and 19th Dec.. I'm scared. Worst off, I have no confidence to face my challenges... I'm feeling demoralised and off-track. I just have no motivation to do anything and so I'm crawling past day by day doing one thing at a time depending on what is due first. I'm so easily tired these days and I'm just not making full use of my time.

I may feel on the uphill one day, and the next I feel like I'm rolling backwards again.

*shrugs*

I'll be fine tmr, insyaAllah.

Ok dah. I'm fine already. Time to get up and run again (not literally but yeah...)

You just need these short 'dipping moments' that bring you down for awhile before you soar back up again.

Why can't I? I CAN get my As and improve my GPA. I CAN get my license by Feb 2011. That's already overcoming the first obstacle. :)

Next obstacle... *opens notes*

Just don't give up. Just don't give up.

Kita hanya berusaha, berikhtiar, berdoa dan bertawakkal sahaja, keputusan akhirnya tetap berada di tangan (figuratively) Allah.

It hadn't been easy finding volunteers for korban this year. So many doesn't seem to be able to help out. I'm really maximising my network to the limits... And yet...

This is not the main issue though. Nothing is. Just that when you put minor minor issues together, it just gets too overwhelming and you feel like your chest is about to burst.

Driving was horrible today. I panicked and lost control of what things I need to do. It's my 8th lesson for goodness sake, and no matter how much I keep telling myself that "Look, don't compare with others... It doesn't matter how long you take to get to your destination as long as you do not give up" but... I can't accept that I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again! I can't help it, especially when I panic! And my recovery period is at least 10-15 mins of which within that time span I make even more mistakes, oh gosh. Horrible. How to pass like this???? Come to think of it, of the 6 e-trial tests I did (without studying), I failed 5 by a few percent. I don't know if I can even pass my FTT. I was lucky the last time, if luck even has anything to do with it.

At home, well... something happened that made me regret using my mum's phone for that short period of how many days. REGRET. I could have lived without a phone...

I was so happy I made notes for half a topic this afternoon when I made a sudden decision to drop at TP to study at ITAS. I thought I can finish at least this 1 chapter tonight. Fat hope.

It's been a long time since I kept myself from saying this but it sums everything up best today: I'm stressed.

Just so overwhelmed with challenges bombarding me four at once.

I want my As, I want to pull up my GPA to 3.5 or 3.6 this sem. I want to pass my e-trial test this Dec. I want to get my license before I turn 22.

I don't want to disappoint others, especially when trust has been given to me. I hate to lose people's trust in me because I know how painful it is to gain it back once it's lost.

Honestly, I've given my best.

I kept to what I said I would do. I would try to cover some of my notes on the train ride and reduce sleep. I did.

It's just so hard to see the mini tiny achievements when faced with much bigger challenges.

I miss TP. I really do. I miss the grades I used to get in Year 1. I really do. I miss how there seems to be no problem around at all... I think I'm getting myself too much involved. Too much for my own good.

The hardest thing to learn to do, is to learn to forgive yourself...

Chem Test on Thursday. I AM putting in effort, as much, best as I can put in. And still, it falls far short from my friends.

There's this frustration inside that I have no idea where to channel to. I might hurt people. There's this lump stuck in my throat, it's sickening.

11.44pm. Gtg.

Hormone imbalance not helping at all.

Reminding myself that Allah doesn't test his servants more than they can take....

The lyrics are powerful...

LYRICS AND TRANSLATION:

Allah Allahu
(Repeats)

Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur2an - O revealer of the Quran
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur2an - O revealer of the Quran
Zidni Minal-Iman - Increase me in faith
Allahu ya allah - Allah, Oh Allah
(Repeats)

Allah Allahu
(Repeats)

Ighfirli Ya Rabbi - Forgive for me, my Lord..
'iSyani Wa Dhanbi - ..my disobedience and my sins
Ighfirli Ya Rabbi - Forgive for me, my Lord..
'iSyani Wa Dhanbi - ..my disobedience and my sins
Addam'u Fi 'ayni - Tears are in my eyes
Farhamni Ya Allah - So have mercy on me, Oh Allah
Addam'u Fi 'ayni - Tears are in my eyes
Farhamni Ya Allah - So have mercy on me, Oh Allah
(Repeats)

Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur'an - O revealer of the Quran
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur'an - O revealer of the Quran
Zidni Minal-Iman - Increase my faith
Allahu Ya Allah - Allah, Oh Allah
(Repeats)

Ad-Deenu Naadaani - Religion called out to me
Lil-Khayri AwSaani - To goodness it advised me (to go)
Ad-Deenu Naadaani - Religion called out to me
Lil-Khayri AwSaani - To goodness it advised me (to go)
Wadh-Dhambu Aghnani- And the sin has enriched me (in experience?)
Ya Khaliqal Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
Wadh-Dhambu Aghnani- And the sin has enriched me (in experience?)
Ya Khalikal Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
(Repeats)

Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur'an - O revealer of the Quran
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur'an - O revealer of the Quran
Zidni Minal-Iman - Increase my faith
Allahu Ya Allah - Allah, Oh Allah
(Repeats)

Ya Kashifal-Balwaa - O solver of any crisis
Ya Sami'an-Najwaa - O hearer of cries for help
Ya Kashifal-Balwaa - O solver of any crisis
Ya Sami'an-Najwaa - O hearer of cries for help
Zidni Minat-Taqwaa - Increase me in Piety
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan- O creator of the Worlds
Zidni Minat-Taqwa - Increase me in Piety
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan- O creator of the Worlds
(Repeats)

Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur2an - O revealer of the Quran
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur2an - O revealer of the Quran
Zidni Minal-Iman - Increase me in faith
Allahu Ya Allah - Allah, Oh Allah
(Repeats)

Allah Allahu
(Repeats)

Came across this video quite suddenly. The video is kinda relaxing, macam tak kena dengan lagu, tapi takpelah sebab lyric lagu pon best.



Allahu Akbar…

If you ask me about love
And what i know about it
My answer would be
It’s everything about Allah
The pure love, to our souls
The creator of you and me,the heaven and whole universe
The one that made us whole and free
The guardian of HIS true believers
So when the time is hard
There’s no way to turn
As HE promise HE will always be there
To bless us with HIS love and HIS mercy
Coz, as HE promise HE will always be there
HE’s always watching us, guiding us

So when the time is hard
There’s no way to turn
As HE promise HE will always be there
To bless us with HIS love and HIS mercy
Coz, as HE promise HE will always be there
HE’s always watching us, guiding us
And HE knows what’s in all in our heart

So when you lose your way
To Allah you should turn
As HE promise HE will always be there…

HE bring ourselves from the darkness into the light
Subhanallah praise belongs to YOU for everything
Shouldn’t never feel afraid of anything
As long as we follow HIS guidance all the way
Through the short time we have in this life
Soon it all’ll be over
And we’ll be in His heaven and we’ll all be fine

So when the time gets hard
There’s no way to turn
As HE promise He will always be there
To bless us with HIS love and HIS mercy
Coz, as HE promise HE will always be there
HE’s always watching us, guiding us
And HE knows what’s in all in our heart

So when you lose your way
To Allah you should turn
As HE promise HE will always be there…

Allahu Akbar…

So when the time gets hard
There’s no way to turn
As HE promise He will always be there
To bless us with HIS love and HIS mercy
Coz, as HE promise HE will always be there
HE’s always watching us, guiding us
And he knows what’s in all in our heart

So when you lose your way
To Allah you should turn
As HE promise HE will always be there…

Allahu Akbar…

I cancelled this Thurs' driving lesson. Not because I'm giving up or anything like that. I just need some time to stand up back and continue the fight. If it takes forever, then so be it. I am not someone else. I am me. And I shall take the time I need, as long as I don't give up. Gotta keep trying till I get it right. I AM giving my best, and that should count for something right?

This song helps:



I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Another song that is in my head... Ok actually not the whole song, I didn't even know what's the song about till today. It's the phrase that strikes me... "I'm sorry I can't be perfect"

This song is suddenly on my mind... tried to find a music video, but all are of bad quality... So just the lyrics will do.

Siapalah aku ini
Yang ingin memetik cintamu
Siapalah seadanya
Diriku di sisimu

Kau punya segalanya
Sedangkan aku insan hina
Hidupku penuh dengan kisah duka
Antara kita jurang nya berbeza

Biarlah usahlah
Bermain dengan api
Kelaknya terbakar sendiri

Biarlah tersimpan
Segala perasaan
Rahsia hatiku terhadapmu
Siapalah aku

I didn't exactly have a good day today... Was so tired in the morning that I decided to skip class (thank God he doesn't take attendance). Dah siap tau, tinggal pakai tudung, then merengek to my mum taknak gi sch and she allowed. Tapi mak pesan... Sekali takpe, jangan selalu2! Hehe, insyaAllah tak. So right after that, tukar to home tshirt and continue to sleep... All the way till nearly noon, terbangun and realised I'm late for driving! Merengek to my dad pulak and there I was at Ubi in time for my practical.

Today's driving spoilt my day. My 6th lesson! And I stalled thrice, boooooooooo. As usual, we don't have unnecessary chats in the car... It's all business. Seriously, he looks so unmotivated and unenthusiastic, as if he's been forced to do this. And he scolded me :( Not shout at me uh, but like reprimand gitu. I still don't understand what am i supposed to look out for when I 'check blindspot' or 'check mirror', so I asked him explain again arh, and he said, "Just now you said you got it?" Blergh. He makes me sound like I can't drive. Hey, like duh, I can't drive and that's why I'm here to LEARN to drive right?

I was so demoralised that I had no mood to write in my notebook about what I learned as I usually would, right after the lesson. Especially since what kept ringing in my head is that: Amalina spent two weeks and only about $200 of crash course and passed on her first trial and Mahmudah said last week that she started learning all the other things after just a couple of lessons while I'm still driving around correcting gear and signal and such for the past 5 lessons. Ya ya, I'm such a slow learner when it comes to driving but hey I'm trying my best! Ni yang buat malaaaaaaaas nak continue driving tau, I find no support. Yea my parents, especially my mum, want me to pass so much but they don't understand how hard it is for me and how much is this costing me financially and emotionally!

I pretty much did nothing today but sulk in despair. I feel like cancelling this Thurs' lesson. Got no mood...

I was really thinking about asking for a change of instructor, but firstly, the process sounds tedious and... also when I think back, although Andrew made me comfortable and almost stress-free with driving, he didn't spot my mistakes, I wouldn't learn that way... Haiz, I shall let things flow then. I have about 3 more months to improve... Really, as much as I want to pass just to prove to myself that I can do it, I'm really doing this for my mum... at least to stop her from nagging. My innate motivation for this is depleting though... *sobs*

I just feel like I have alot of troubles on my shoulders, I just feel pinned down, and I can't move forward. There's so many things to do and I dunno where to start!

I feel so small, so insignificant, so useless, so stupid... It's demoralising! I was trying to find something to cheer me up just now, and found nothing... I don't think I'd given a single sincere smile today... :(

Everyone seems to have something they're good at. I don't seem to have any... Or at least I have yet to find it. I'm sure Allah didn't create me to fail at everything. I'm sure there's something special about me, right? That will help me fulfill the purpose of my creation, whatever that may be... Adakah kamu kira bahawa Allah mencipta amu dengan sia-sia? Tidak sesekali...

I think I'm selfish.... Very. But waddeheck, I shall delve into that another day. I used to give in alot, but I learned my lesson... I only give in when I need to now. Forgive me for being selfish.

The past two days had been hectic with awesome happenings, it's so awesome that I can't seem to pen it down hehe.

Let's see, let's take a look at the things that happened:

Thursday~
morn: 5th driving lesson. Reached 15 mins late cos got delayed at home when some pest control people checked the house. Kevin was absent, Andrew joined me instead. Andrew made me see logic in the things I do on the road, I loiike!
early afternoon: wanted to Zohor at Masjid Mydin, talked to a makcik there while waiting for azan, interesting to hear her story holding 3 jobs to put her four children through school single-handedly, and one of her children is one of the exective officer of something at MUIS who goes on visits to Syria, Yaman, Saudi etc with distingushed people of the country.
same afternoon: found that i lost my ezlink card when i wanted to tap at kembangan mrt and decided to traced back my steps all the way back to Masjid Mydin and to the busstop at the top of the hill at Jalan Senang, and when I went back to kembangan mrt, turns out i dropped my ezlink at the Cheers shop there -_-
late afternoon: about 15 mins late for Chem *shrugs* chem equations just made me go bonkers that I left the class saying I wanna die. Harizah's comment was funny: "Chem makes you have suicidal thoughts???"
early evening: prayed Asar, went to find the final clue from my Angel under the photocopier at level 2 -_- and met up with the Bio people to go for sushi at Yew Tee shin Tokyo! Izzati drove us in mai's Wish hehe.
evening: sushi was greaaaaattttt! except the sweet potato croquette, blergh.
night: on such a full stomach i rushed to Masjid Al-Khair for Maghrib and Isya', woah.

Friday~
morn: badminton with Bio peeps at yishun. Yishun?!?!?! Yea... 2 hours late, but really i was so tired seriously. Badminton was woohoo~! Rejuvenating!
afternoon: went home for a quick shower and Zohor before going meeting Husni to go Asian Civilisation Museum. Thought it'd be $8, but turns out it's free! yay~! enjoyed the camwhoring moments and can't wait for Husni to upload pics!
evening: had mcflurry after the visit and felt a sorethroat coming, and apparently ignored it as I went to get a packet of nasi briyani and gomped down the whole packet at Ghufran. Yums.
night: FMS meeting, argh still no motivation, it's not about not seeing the reason for doing or not having enough manpower but i dunno, i just can't seem to sit down and START where I left off months ago.

Ah shucks, people start coming oredi. GTG!

Dah lama tak dengar ni! Such a timely reminder for dear self who've been thinking too much about shopping and holidays and outings and food and such...

Can't wait for Pesantren for some cleansing of the heart, insyaAllah... Mudah-mudahan niat tak lari!

"Take only what you need from this dunya and use it while earnestly striving to reach your Lord and seek His reward" - a reminder for the wayfarer on this journey of purpose

I'm excited about driving tmr, whee~!

At about 7.30pm I saw Mahirah posted a pic of her tudung on this tudung hanger that I'd been looking for. Found out that Ikea sells it at $9 only compared to prices I've heard, straightaway after Isya' I changed and got my dad to drive me to Ikea, and in less than an hour, I was safe and sound with 2 of such hangers hehe. 2hours later, I've hung about 50 of my tudungs and realise more than 20 are the plain ones that I usually wear, and more than 20 others are the designed ones which are smaller, and thus I rarely wear. AND I realise I need another of such hanger for my shawls, no space oredi :s

My point is, wow that was a fast (and rash) decision! Haha

Driving is at 10.20-12.00 tmr. Then I have 2 1/2hrs to travel to school and zohor. Argh it's tutorial tmr and I haven't done it. by hey I finished reading about the seed plants life cycle before Bio today and by the time I reached Tiong bahru on the way home, I'd finished Chonrichthyes and Osteichthyes. Gotta finish tutorial before class tmr...

Today we had a field trip to Botanic Gardens. Interesting though it was pretty hot and tiring, had to be careful with my footing on the slopes we went on... trust our prof to go off the walk trail...

Oh today is Pink Hijab Day! Yay for pink! Haha, and I realise I have alot of pink tudung but very few pink tops.. Hmm...

I wanna shop for pink tops, shirts to go with skirts, skirts and shawls, but.... not this month... I'm scrimping every cent I can. Driving (school) is costing me a bomb. Sheesh... next pay still need to pay for December bookings. Please please please let me pass before I turn 22... I wanna drive officially! Haha, but for now still alot to learn... So yeah, let's take things slowly...

Alright world, I should attempt to do my tutorial, or at least go to sleep...

I feel productive today. Finished going through Agnatha lec notes before class this morning, which is earlyyyy. Even reached school early to go and print. Had my long-awaited cutlet spaghetti lunch before going to the IAW oepning ceremony. Was late, but yeaaaa... Studied abit of Chondrichthyes before taking a short nap. Was paying attention in Chem. Studied abit of Spectroscopy and made notes of the formulas after lec. Continue to read abit of Chonrichthyes after Maghrib and during dinner, afterwhich continued on Spectroscopy. On the train I couldn't take down notes but I finished going through the whole Chapter 1 of Spectroscopy. Perhaps I can jot down the notes tmr.

Would like to finish the Chondrichthyes notes and read on seed plants life cycle for tmr's visit to Botanic Gardens, but I'm rather exhausted. Migraine whole day, but yea I feel accomplished...

Things to accomplish tmr:
- read seed plant life cycle on the way to school
- finish Chondrichthyes probably on the bus ride
- jot down Spectroscopy notes during break (if any... doubt so...) or during train ride home
- attempt Swee Ngin's tutorial, hopefully can finish by tmr night on the way home, otherwise I'd attempt it on Thurs morning before driving

Quite alot for a slacker like me actually but insyaAllah can as I have the momentum...

Right now, I should really get some rest.

Pink hijab day tmr!

Driving was greaaaaaattttt today! I was more confident on the road, can change-up and change-down on my own with less prompts from Kevin. Footwork and gear coordination was much better. I see improvement in myself, yet of course there's more room for improvement especially at bends, overtaking and changing lanes. Shall work on those this Thurs insyaAllah. I still panic when i dunno what to do on the road, hehe. That'd take abit more work. The 1hr plus was usual, silent and boring haha, but good la, can concentrate on the road. I'm just happy that up till now I haven't stalled the car hehe, though sometimes I still release the clutch too fast that the car jerked. I'm excited! Hopefully yes yes I can get my license before I turn 22!

I just finished watching Chamber of Secrets on DVD. Wanted to watch it on Channel 5 last Sat, but only got to watch abit as we had to go down to bbq oredi. I miss my HP crazy phase! Hex rpg, virtual Hogwarts, reading fanfictions, writing my own fanfiction... Haha, I was talking to Liy about HP and realised I know ALOT about HP, I wanna read the books again, I wanna play the games again, I wanna watch the movies again, I wanna talk about HP again! I even named my phone silent mode as Silencio last time hehe.

Ok, I missed out on my sleep and study time today! HP has got to wait till 17 Nov. Need to study smart and rest well hehe.

I can't wait for pesantren this Dec, a nice way to get things in order after exams (which includes my FTT too) :)

I need you Allah, always... but more so, now...



When you feel all alone in this world
And there's nobody to count your tears
Just remember, no matter where you are
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you carrying a monster load
And you wonder how far you can go
With every step on that road that you take
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS
No matter what, inside or out
There's one thing of which there's no doubt
Allah knows
Allah knows
And whatever lies in the heavens and the earth
Every star in this whole universe
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you find that special someone
Feel your whole life has barely begun
You can walk on the moon, shout it to everyone
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you gaze with love in your eyes
Catch a glimpse of paradise
And you see your child take the first breath of life
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS

When you lose someone close to your heart
See your whole world fall apart
And you try to go on but it seems so hard
Allah knows
Allah knows

You see we all have a path to choose
Through the valleys and hills we go
With the ups and the downs, never fret never frown
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS (x2)

BRIDGE:
Every grain of sand,
In every desert land, He knows.
Every shade of palm,
Every closed hand, He knows.
Every sparkling tear,
On every eyelash, He knows.
Every thought I have,
And every word I share, He knows.
Allah knows

I'm crying... Oh Allah, you know my state best, I seek refuge and comfort in you my God, my Lord, my Sustainer, my Provider, my Love.

Nom nom nom nom nom... *sigh*

My mum said that I act differently at home with family and outside with friends.

Well, to a certain extent I wouldn't deny that. Family is my mahram, I can be comfortable with. Outside with friends there are certain limits to how I act right? At home you can say out your thoughts and feelings openly but outside with friends you may have to filter abit for you have not known them all your life and wouldn't know how they'd take it.

At the same time, I'd say that yes I'm garang at home with my family, and yes I'm garang outside with my friends too, ESPECIALLY when I'm rushing an assignment, my patience and tolerance is really low and anybody near me just gets it. And lately, that is how it is, school has started and so there are assignment after assignments to rush for. And I just don't wish to be disturbed....

And I am very impatient when teaching someone something too (i.e. teaching my mum how to use a new handphone, just as teaching a friend say.... how to plot a graph on excel?) which I'm trying to change la actually since I'm going to be a teacher and I'd definitely need to be patient with the weaker students...

But my mum thinks that I try to be an angel outside and her suggestion that I'm being hypocritic is... hurtful. Just feel that the advice or reminder could have come in a nicer way than a sindiran...

Haiz, another thing is that, this week I'd be home before Maghrib every single day, but when I came home late yesterday (I told her I had bbq with friends, obviously it'd end late...) my mum said I come home late everyday.... That's not fair... That's not true! I'd really been trying to cut down my commitments outside by having no more than say... 2 meetings per week! Of course it doesn't help when meetings start late cos people come late and so we have to end late grrrrrrrr... so angry. I rejected to being the vice-president of NTUMS (as in, I was nominated only lah, not chosen pon but yea I rejected the post out of my own free will) and I ignored the msg to be the finance/business manager of Islamic Awareness Week (sry! I was busy! and yea me and financing/business don't really get along well together... And since I lost my contacts I have no idea who msged... so I just decided to ignore since I'm afraid that if I reply, somehow I'd get dragged into it anyways... It's easier to reject in sms than in a call or face-to-face conversation...) anddddd I also rejected to be the Head of Muslimah for the Tarbiyah subcomm giving the excuse that my commitments in Fityan requires much of my attention already. That's THREE rejects ok. It takes courage to say no, but I have been juggling and I'm sick of being a clown. I'm not being courageous, I'm just being realistic. With my parents being overbearingly erm... like this (I dunno, I guess I was such a free bird when I stayed in hall that I just feel caged and suffocated now when my parents ask what time am I going out, what time am I coming back, who will I be with, where will I be going like everyday... I know I know, girls my age some still have curfews etc and probably get it worse, but yea...) I just have to lessen my commitments outside and be at home more (which I don't really know what to do other than the normal lah, facebook, watch tv, eat, do work, read, sleep, and that is wrong? And I DO talk to my parents, what else is expected of me, tell me!!!! It's not that I don't wanna go out with my mum or family, they just have to tell me earlier so I can plan my time... please, I only go out with friends like once or twice a month... other than that, it's usrah, meeting or camp... which doesn't count. When was the last time I watched movie? In august before Ramadhan? When was the last time I had dinner outside with friends? Ramadhan? When was the last time I went cycling or had a bbq or went to play boardgames or just chit chat? Before yesterday, I can't remember when was the last time... Quite sometime ago seh.

And she said that when I'm at home I always sleep, well you have to understand that 2hrs journey to school and another 2hrs journey home IS very very tiring for me especially with lectures in between that just drains all your energy as it requires attention and thinking! (I'm putting much effort in understanding all those equations that's being churned out in class like nobody's business!) This sem I only fell asleep twice in lecture. That's an achievement, especially when I have to leave house as early as 6.30am like on Mondays. Of course I'd be tired and would sleep when I see the bed!

And that accusation that I always sleep is not right! This week I spend two hours daily at least to sit in the living room, eat, watch tv and chat with my parents during tv advertisements. That's effort on my part! An unrecognised effort at that... But I don't think right now is the right time to say that to them... What with all my brother's weeding preparations and I dunno what other things there are...

But yea, I feel so unappreciated. I feel that none of the good things I do get acknowledged or even recognized at all, yet my wrongs are amplified 1000 times, by my own family! And I don't see no effort in trying to understand me... Just so sad...

La tahzan Marl, la tahzan... I feel so alone in my journey sometimes. Sometimes I would share with some of my close sisters/friends but mostly no, I won't, what's the point? Everyone has problems... So I keep them all to myself and yea, let things past, which they will after some time...

This shouldn't be on my blog, especially if someone finds this and talks to my mum about it (like something that happened before) but I need an avenue to let out. I feel bad typing this here as it is, but it's no use talking to my mum about this now to smooth things out. Whatever I say will be rebutted anyway. But yea I've smsed her some of my thoughts yesterday. I hope she doesn't regard it as 'talking back', I'm just desperate to be understood... I guess this is a typical complain of a erm... youth? Things will get better tmr and probably bad again the next day and good again the next next day etc etc. Things will come to past and when you look back, sometimes you just laugh at stupid things that happen, or realise the whole hikmah of others.

I wanted to talk about the bbq yesterday actually. I was bored most of the time, but simple things in between like playing Scramble and TapTap on Ati's phone with Liy, watching Chamber of Secrets with Ati and Liy, trying out tennis with the bunch of them, playing Codebreaker with Hilmy and Ati, Air Hockey with Hilmy, the birthday cards, the bbq itself and our 11.30pm late gorging of food to finish everything and our midnight HTHT session, they made my day, made my week and eventhough I''m stressed that I didn't complete any work at all yesterday, I enjoyed myself because of the company. I love my FOC peeps...

Oh my camera's fixed. I have my darling back to snap and video 'evidences' hehe. I missed my camera...

Ok, I should either eat, study or sleep like now. Have madrasah later...

My brother is officially moving out today, he's packing his things with his wife now :( There will be a day that it'd be my turn to leave too... Maybe. And if/when it happens, I think I'm gonna cry because of its significance... My second brother will most likely be the one staying with my parents...

On another note, I have found another reason to visit Dubai thanks to Liyana haha. It's one of the places on my wishlist (oh I got bored and decided to mengelamun for awhile thinking of things I wanna do, and places I wanna go to and Dubai turned up in my list hehe). I'm not a fan of swimming (eventhough it's in my wishlist too just because it's something I rarely do) but the experience with the sharks at the Atlantis Aquaventure Water Park sounds fuuuuuuuun!

Haha, I need something thrilling soon, my life is so dull right now with assignments and reports and books urgh I need fresh air.

Harizah suggested parasailing at Batam this December. I hope I'd be able to go :)

I'm hungryyyyyyy, I seem to be hungry all the time today despite all the food I chunk down! Fact is, there're food I'm craving and I won't get satiated until I get them! Hei Sushi! KFC Popcorn chicken and fries! Swensen spicy fish pasta! *drools* Oh and I keep hearing Wendy's and turns out there's one at Tampines Century Square! I wanna go try!!!

I didn't exactly had a great day. I was so lethargic... And I just had no mood to complete my lab report and had to force myself to crap anyways... I did finish it on time afterall, and even had time to buy and chow down some sardine breadrolls and nuggets before class... But something my friend said hurt me. Same story... About studying...

I don't see why I have to prove anything to anyone... But I feel I need to prove to my friends I can do it... It's a good peer pressure I guess, but I'm not happy... I completed two more pages of slides on top of the two pages yesterday... And I can't wait till I don't have to take Chemistry modules anymore...

You know, I'd been thinking of KRC4 these few days... I miss it. I miss my group, Pesantren Lenggoong... What a myriad of personalities, strong ones at that... Apart from Nadhirah, the rest of us are rather active at Ghufran now. We should have another KRC laaa... I didn't really enjoy KRC5 other than the snorkelling, I dunno, just less significance I guess? KRC4 meant a lot to me, part of my turning point in life, and the activities were gerekkkkk! Flying fox, water rafting, survival cooking, nightwalk, secret admirer etc...

I wanna be young again and have an excuse to be naive hehe

Actually I'm rather proud of myself. I struggle with Chem, I'm almost clueless when A level concepts are brought up, which is most of the time. I take forever just to do simple conversions! To have passed all four Chem modules last acad year is quite an achievement, and all praises be to Allah!

Alhamdulillah, finally I got around to lunging the NIE laptop all the way across Singapore to get it fixed, and fixed it was under an hour :) Anddddd... Samsung called me to say my camera is ready for collection, whee~!

When I asked, my mum dengan selambanya announced, "Kau jadi cameraman la." Hahahaha buat kelakar betul my mum ni, but unfortunately, she was serious :s. There will be an official wedding photographer la, but my mum wants a set of ours, erm... Kak Maryam, nak pinjam dslr pls! I shall ask my other bro or uncle to help take pics while I video the procession though, whee~!

Oh my mum also said that she'd need me to be close to her at all times. I asked for what? She said, "Jadi mama boleh suroh kau ke sini ke sana la." Kaos, anticlimax betol haha.

I feel like getting myself a new dress, but dunno eh...

I have 4 wisdom teeth, and they're all halfway out. Normally they don't hurt, but when they do, you just feel like killing yourself. Opps, random.

Best jugak jadi adik pengantin eh... Tapi lagi best jadi pengantin kan! Opps heheh :P

Mudah-mudahan semua berjalan dengan lancar... :)

Exams in about a month's time *gulps*

My lecturer says that as a teacher, we should use analogies to help our students understand better, and I realise I'd been using interesting aka quite merepek oso analogies in my blog entries. Haha

Well, there's improvement in my thought process then. Erm.

MAK nak kawen! Hahahah, not yet larh, but I couldn't help grinning from ear to ear hearing Abg Sham's akad nikah just now :D Dah, dah halal dah :P

Haha my aunt was here for three days helping with the gubahan for hantaran, so we joked that she'll be here for seven days for my second bro while she'll be here for a month siap khemah angkut satu wardrobe skali for mine hahahah.

The atmosphere was so kecoh, a positive one larh. And my aunts and uncles are so funny, ade2 je hehe.

Finally, my brother's time is here. It could have been 5 years ago or two years ago, but it has been written in the book that it will be today and thus, today it is, with Kak Liza :)

Actually I think I'm burning out... Even before the race starts. Kental...

It's never easy to make decisions. May Allah always be the guide behind every decision I make...

Saying no takes courage. I never used to be able to find that courage, but now I have to. It's necessary... I have chosen my battle and I shouldn't turn around. I should give my all in this battle that I'd chosen. Afterall, the goal of both battles is the same, just that the battlefields are different and so are the soldiers. I chose to fight with the brothers and sisters that I have been with for the past 5 years or so. May Allah give me the strength to carry on. I find it hard to move forward. So many distractions... So many obstacles. Persevere Marliyana, for Allah and for the ummah.

I watch the Korean show Bread, Love and Dreams and I learn something from Kim Takgu. You shouldn't chase after positions and titles and such, but go for your passion and your dreams, fight for what you believe in...

School has been pretty a-ok... Pimples sprouting all over my face, eww. But I'd finished my AED essay just now, in 1-2hrs despite cracking my brains for the past week or so to no avail. I enjoyed the last session of the Social Context module just now. I know I'm in the right track, at least for the next 6-7 years of my life. If I think back, I find that I had been tarbiyah-ed just to prepare me for this profession, insyaAllah, I found my calling. I know I have other dreams, other lifestyles I can still see myself in, but since I'm already about 1 1/2 years here, let's make the best out of these next few years and continue to develop myself while I'm at it. I see alot of opportunities to develop myself in this profession. Yes, to be a teacher in this 21st century may sound overwhelming, I think it still is very overwhelming, but I'm excited for the challenge. I can't foresee what fish (kind of students, parents, colleagues, leaders, school environment) will I get but the thought that by the end of just 8 years I would be a better person, insyaAllah, is motivating. I just hope I don't get burned out...

My brother's solemnization ceremony is tomorrow night! So excited :D I missed Abg Wan's and Kak Fiza's solemnization ceremony, I certainly don't want to miss my brother's. *excited*

My head has been throbbing from lack of sleep. The pimple breakout is probably because of this too *sigh* I'd better get some early rest tonight...

Hah?! It's 11.17pm??!! It feels like it's only 9am... :(

I just came back from my third driving practical. I think Kevin, my instructor is tired, and pretty much bored at how slow I learn... And I still can't keep straight in my lane... But at least I improved in putting to gear 2, I didn't put in the wrong gear again and also I pretty much got the hang of braking or clutching in first when approaching a red light behind a car. I shall improve on my gear change (1->2->3->2->1) next Monday, Kevin ask me to control it on my own already without having him to prompt. Gear change itself at least have 4 sub-points I need to remember. Hey so far so good, I've yet to mount a curb (close enough though) or stall the engine (hahah, whenever the car make weird sound, clutch in!) Whee~! Quite demoralised when he feedback at the end of the practical just now, but thinking about it, not bad leh, on my third lesson... And yep yep I shall read the notes I jotted down before next practical and try to improve my gear change.

I have another practical next week and 2 more on the last week of October. I plan to book for twice weekly in November, but December I don't think I can keep to that frequency due to exams, holiday and pesantren insyaAllah... I guess I'll go back to twice weekly (or more) in Jan and Feb. Hopefully I pass my FTT on 16th Dec and get to book a TP before my 22nd birthday! It'd be nice to pass before my 22nd birthday! :D And I shall work towards it. Semoga Allah merezekikanku untuk lulus...

Stress jugak arh pikir pasal S-course, crank-course, parallel parking, vertical parking, stop on slope, directional change and U-turn but insyaAllah boleh. By end of Feb, I should have covered about 30 practicals if I follow my plan. *gulps* I would have spent $2000 or more by then. I guess it's a worth-it investment but woah... $61 per lesson, I better make ch and every lesson worth the money...

Dear Kevin, please have patience with me and don't scold me, I don't wanna stop for the second time...

I cannot take it when I'm scolded...

Speaking of which I can't even take it hearing people being scolded. I don't have the heart for it. As in I'm talking about serious scolding ar... I hate arguments, I hate when people can't compromise and give and take a little, I hate it when people even start raising voice at each other. I get scared of the consequences... Anger brings people nowhere but bad consequences especially if people totally don't talk rationally and just shoot their mouth off or their hands start to move :(

Oh, actually I'm feeling pretty scared on the road, whether I'm driving, or I'm being driven or I'm a pedestrian. I haven't totally gotten over the second accident, and the nightmare I had just made things worst. I talked non-stop or went to sleep to distract myself and I just feel like pulling myself away from the door when my brother drove at a fast speed at the expressway last Saturday night.

I'm wondering how to survive these 4 months as I spend on driving, and I still have to pay for my madrasah fees, my hp bill, my basic necessities and daily expenses, my transport fare (which is like a freaking $4 everyday to and fro school!) apart from the amount I give my mum. I really cut down on my savings... Gotta go earn some bucks to cover up for the lost in savings...

There's so much I wanna talk about today! But sheesh I'd better START on my essay due tomorrow... And go book my practicals for November before it's too late!

Indeed, those were just crap.

My friends care for me and therefore they advice me, so that I can get my As and excel in my studies :)

It's all about mindset. Sorry friends.

*sigh* My FOC mates once said "There are some people who works best under pressure, but Marliyana... she thrives under pressure"...

and Harizah ever said, "I dunno how you do it, but eventhough you start your essays and reports the night before or the morning of the day when they are due, you do a good job with them anyways."

and Mahmudah ever said, "Your paraphrasing is good eh. You put the theory in layman's terms that I cross-refered to your lab report when doing mine when I don't understand what the practical manual is saying." And then I told her that I only started paraphrasing the theory on the morning of the day the report was due...

Yet, people doubt my capabilities. People see me as doing 'unnecessary' things instead of doing my assignments.

*sigh* I do my homework and I do study you know... When I need to arh...

It's not that I like doing things last minute, no eh, but I just can't seem to do things early... And it works for me... So...

Sometimes I do find myself out of the study circle, not that there's an official one but just that these people from JC seem to mug and mug and mug all the time and their lives seem to revolve around homework, assignments, projects, reports, essays or revision. And yes they manage time better than me I guess, but I'm me and I can't be like them no matter how hard I try in my first year...

I don't even know myself well. There is no specific condition that I work best in. There is no specific place that I work best in. There is no specific time of the day that I work best in either.

It all depends on my mood and situation... Sometimes I have to study while in motion in the train or on the bus or even while pacing around a room, while sometimes, rarely though, I need to sit still and do nothing else but focus all my attention on one thing. Sometimes I need to listen to music, at other times I need to have complete silence that even the sound of the fan irritates me, or there are times also that I need natural sounds like people walking and talking. Sometimes I need to be with people who're studying before I can study, but most of the time I prefer to be on my own wandering around, finding a spot and getting to work. Sometimes I am most productive after Subuh, sometimes late at night or in the wee hours of the morning yet there are times it's just anytime of the day. As mentioned earlier, i can study on the train/bus, I can also study in the library, I can study in the canteen, at a foodcourt, at a cafe, at a fastfood restaurant, at the mosque, at a study corner, at a shelter, in my room, anywhere. Most of the time I study while lying down, but I can study sitting down as well. Whatever works...

I just don't study all the time, and yes, I guess I'd kinda given up on my As and honours... I give my best all the time though. I don't think I could have done better. I'd always been a B average student anyway (since poly that is... secondary was a C/D/E/F for me, while primary was a A/A*/distinction for me... I dunno what happened, but yeah, B... average...)

I don't like it though that people seem to look down on me as if I'm lazy or I don't give particular attention to my studies... Cause I am NOT lazy and I do pay attention to my studies. I pay attention in class as much as I can, I do my work and submit by the deadline, and I've improved rather tremendously in terms of reaching class on time (especially considering I live 2hrs away from school...)

It doesn't help that the system follows JC syllabus... And if JC students have studied the topics before, then I'm at a loss... There are lesser times that I get ahead of the class. I think there was only Microbiology and the beginning of Genetics and Organic Chem that I was at an advantage.... It's good for me that I'm learning new things, but it's bad that I feel like a mouse chasing after a cat... Playing catch-up is no fun... :(

Feeling sad about this now but I shall not regret the path I'd taken. Just need to cekalkan hati and ask Him for strength in facing this journey He has put me in...

There are moments that I catch the momentum and actually do work... Like Thursday, I finished half of my lab report already, and I only stopped because I'm stuck. Or today, I googled for one of my bio assignment... These are the moments when I have innate motivation and thrive. And there are moments when I just can't get anything done, and I accept that. I know I have limits and I only push them when I need to.

I think I'm not the only one feeling this way... Most average poly students that make it to uni face the same thing. The word is to describe is: "struggle"... I say 'most average poly students' because the above average ones are normally in tune with the JC kids (still.. not always, I know a few people who were above average in poly and struggling in uni now...). The average poly students either end up working, or really, the struggle to adapt in uni is as I have described.

I dunno what I'm rambling about. This is all crap. It's probably just my mindset. My mind IS in a jumble right now and petty things like this start to bother me, when at other times they are just a common itch on the skin that needs to be scratched away quickly. I'm gonna get back to work, if I can... Urgh, *frustrated*

It's 5.57am in the morning and my mind is pretty much in the same state that it was in last night. I keep finding that I am lost in a maze in the middle of nowhere finding for something which I'm not sure what and I have kinda lost track of where I am and which direction was I heading towards. Really, I think that's the best description I can give of my state right now. And if I were to describe the state of my mind right now, I guess the best would be: a plain white canvas draped across a heavily-graffitied big wall, which people had been flicking all kinds of colour paint on it and never bothering to explain to me why they do what had they just done leaving me to figure out what picture is being painted, even if it means taking a whole lot of imagination to link the dots of paint together.

I... dunno what to say. Maybe I need another plain white canvas to go over the wall again. *shrugs*

My very-much-repeated-phrase lately has been: I dunno, I dunno, I dunno!

I have no idea where did 2010 go to and what have I done these past 10 months.... I really do feel stagnant. Not that I hadn't been learning anything... I have, just that... I dunno.

I think right now I need someone to help me paint the big picture. The FULL big picture, and not just bits and pieces and asking me to figure it out. Though I doubt that'll happen. People have their own canvases to paint. It is really up to me to put a boundary around my canvas, get people to queue up and I need to personally supervise what kind of picture everyone will paint together. It is MY canvas.

I lost my compass. Anyone wanna lend me one? I wanna get out of this maze sooooooooon.

Such an irony to see the title of my blog: Journey of Purpose... The Purpose remains, but I have questions. Questions after questions that make my head hurt thinking about them as I get super frustrated with myself.

What is your reason to lead?
I dunno!

What do you deserve?
Nothing! Who am I to say I deserve anything?!

Upon lying on the grass and gazing at the starless night sky, I couldn't help crying as I conversed with Allah asking Him what is His purpose of sending me on earth. I thought of my family, I thought of my friends, I thought of everything I went through and I couldn't figure out who is it I should and deserve to be. I even went through His verses that I'm familiar with to find some guidance, and that night, I found none. I've never felt so lost and dismayed in my life. To lose your identity is to lose yourself.

And I don't think I've found the answer yet, though I have remembered what I had forgotten. The reason for being in NIE may not be clear to be, but somehow I just know that it is right where I need and should be. And this clears some of the air.

Ok I'm tired.

Lyrics:
Social Expectation drowns us all inside
What you have should be what I want
Cos what I have just aint alright
The clothes I wear, the way I comb my hair
How I live, oh I dont care

This is who I am, this is me
Nothing, everything, cant you see
Who I am, just let me be
Cos like it or not but God loves me
Who I am

He said, she said, they all did
Whats expected of them all
To get to the top dont matter
If somebodys gotta fall
You gotta brace the storm, the norms to conform
Get what you wants gonna kill us all

Beyond the body that you see
Theres so much more to me
And I feel best when my soul is free

They tell me this is the way
that I need to reform
If I continue to stray,
Im gonna start up a storm
Wear this, drive that, like this, not that
Dont dare lose track or youll fall way back
But if my Lord loves me then
I know that Im free
You can say what you want just let me be
I know if Im real and its not a disguise
Youll love who I am if you open up your eyes
I insist that you see, I aint a mystery
Its who I wish to be, this is me
Its whats true within, come and look again
Looking through the skin
Who I Am

I am here,
and I always will be,
till there comes a time,
when I know for sure,
that thee will not be here for me.

Only then,
shall I take my leave,
with tears in my eyes,
and a scar seared deep
in a heart that has always been patient
waiting,
wondering,
if it would ever find its pair in thee.

I cannot know what the future holds,
so my heart shall stay patient
and wait for what may not be.

But yes,
for now,
I am here,
and I always will be.

So random. But I'm in kind of an artistic mode. School's enough to feed my intellectual mode, so I need an avenue to sharpen the other side of me.

Hmph, I was just in such a jolly mood. Hate it when people spoil my mood so early in the morning over such a trivial matter like EATING. Spoil my day. Abe gakkan nak melawan kan, kurang ajar pulak, but so unfair, sebab orang lain I get the blame too... Like ???????? Selalu gitu seh, so sad. This comes with being the only girl, kaulah racun, kaulah penawar, kaulah segala-galanya.

I shall be driving again today :) Abit excited, abit nervous, abit "aiyar, just do it". I shall strive till I get a license this time round insyaAllah. It's about time... I dunno, I just feel like 21 is an age to get up and grow up. I never had the confidence that I will pass driving before this just as I had no confidence of being a facilitator or mentor. But at 21, I find myself saying that if I don't have confidence now, I never will.

I still don't have the confidence of leading a group of people my age or older towards the betterment of society though. Still hiding in my shell and telling myself that people will look down on my capabilities and there's no point in leading people whom I would have to spend time earning trust. I need to show what I'm capable of first (though I've yet to move towards it, since I don't know if that path is what I want to pursue in).

Haha, this reminds me of the conversation I had with Amina on the train a few days ago. She kept being surprised at what I'm capable of. And when I asked her what was her first impression of me the first time I stepped into the room for the first meeting with the advisors, commandant, deputy commandant (herself), coordinator and co-ccoordinator, she said that she thought that I look like an English teacher and is in the welfare role (HAHA). I as the head programmer was 5th in command and I guess I showed that I'm a follower rather than a leader back then. But the way Amina is surprised is like funny! She was so surprised at how the creativity and ideas flowed in programmes team (though that was largely due to a very wonderful team which included Luthfi the ideas generator). She was so surprised to know I was in silat and so can't imagine me doing it (actually I don't see myself doing it either, I was just trying new things heheh and I learned cool stuff indeed and I think I did lose some weight :D). She was shocked to see me carrying the thick Invertebrate Biology book around and can't see me as a Science-y person (well, if she means to say I don't look like a nerd, thank God, but really, I love and am passionate about Biology especially Molecular Biology stuff!). And she was super impressed when I solved all 3 (easy, medium AND hard) codes on mastermind in 7 steps or less! Hahahaha I may not show that I have IQ, but gosh, have I been showing like I'm such a dumb bimbo? Hmm, a point to ponder on ehhh.

Ok, I'm 2hrs away from driving. Whee? I should go get ready now, wouldn't want to be late.

Because of driving, I'm like super broke. Never in my life have I had less than $450-500 in my bank account and today it stands at $9 plus 0_o

Come on Marliyana, you can do it. Get up and move it! You have faced worst situations before, right? This is nothing. This is just another obstacle in the way in making you a better person, a better Muslim. Isn't that what you always strive for time and again? This isn't the first time you fall. You've fallen and you've managed to rise up again. Almost immediately sometimes. Always making things better at the end of it. Always giving your best anyways. Is whatever you're doing right now the best you can offer? If you see this as a failure, making you tumble and fumble around on the ground finding for something you grasp on, then why continue to fumble? Place your hands firmly on the ground and push yourself up, rise up, face the challenge, it's not too late, this is just nice for you to do something and make things right. You wanna be able to facilitate better right? This is an opportunity for you to improve. Go for it. Go all out and give your best as you have always done.

I see some sense in what you're saying dear mind. Thank you for giving this piece of heart a piece of your mind. I, your heart is not fully convinced, but indeed there is some truth in what you say dear mind. We need to work closely. I'm not fully convinced with all that you have to say but I shall try.

Don't try dear heart, don't just try. Give. Do. Be the best that you can.

Oh dear mind, it's much easier said than done. It's much easier said that done... Help me think of something and then we talk again.

Alright, I will think of something and I'll bother you again later dear heart. In the meantime, I ask you of one thing. Please revisit your intentions and correct it if it hadn't been on the right track, ok dear heart?

I shall try.

Don't just try. Do it. You have to. For both our well-being. Remember, you have a purpose to be where you are. Carry out the divine purpose that you feel you are here for.

And you shall carry out the divine purpose that you think you are here for too ok?

Ok, that's a deal.

Right, it's a deal then. Hear from you again later.

To be honest, I'm seriously at a loss of what to do or say. I'm thinking! or at least I'm trying to... My brain's half dead. Tutorial, essay, lab report, revision, family, friends all giving me a big headache. yet I can't find it in me to cry and let go and relieve the tensions. I'd find small joys that brighten up moments and then I'd find myself in the deep abyss again.

I feel senseless, unable to know what am I doing, where am I going and what should I do next, and I really don't like this feeling. It makes me feel lost and helpless and clueless. My defense mechanism of late has been to numb myself and let things pass by me as if I'm a lifeless form. Ignorance is bliss... To a certain extent... When you discover the damage that you had caused through that ignorance, you shatter into pieces with the damage, and thus, before you can repair the damage (if it can ever be repaired) you have to find ways to piece yourself back together first.

I'm trying to pick up the scattered pieces of me, and while doing so, I'm wondering how to piece everything up together to make me whole again. And on top of that, I'm wondering how to repair the damage too. It has come to a stage that I have to repair it, I can't keep going on pretending that the damage doesn't exist. But HOWWWWWW???

I'm so tired. Been sleeping late, waking up in the middle of the night, taking short naps following that and pushing myself through each day as I worked towards completing my essay and lab report. Urgh, I need to better manage my time.

Should I rest on it for the night?