Sometimes I feel that life is full of meaning. At other times I wonder too, am I not living my life for one sole reason only and that is to be a humble servant of the Almighty?

My goal right now is to get a diploma in Biomedical Science (Biotechnology if my appeal application is unsuccessful...), go on to Biomedical Science of Biological Science at a local university (NTU I suppose) and be a doctor (still thinking whether I want to specialise or not). Sounds like a rather good plan right? But then, I'm not confident I can achieve it! I know I haven't even started poly and here I am 'giving up' but I'm not exactly 'giving up', I'm just wondering if I would be able to overcome every setback (I'm sure there's gonna be many) I'd meet along the way. I'm known for not finishing things I start. I'm afraid I might lose my drive to achieve my goal before I reach it. It's just that I think my goal is not strong enough to motivate me to not give up along the way. Ok, even if I do become a doctor at the end of the day, I would still face some problems as one. I mean I can't reach my goal and say hurrah and stop there right??

So why exactly do I want to be a doctor if getting there and being there would take so much on my part you ask? Why don't I take on something I like, something I'm good at? Well, there's a couple of reasons to this. Firstly, because I think being a doctor is a meaningful and honourable occupation. You help people, you save people, you do good to mankind and you feel good about doing so. Secondly, I don't really know what I like or what I'm good at honestly... Thirdly, most of my cousins are teachers and I wish to be different, unique. Besides, it'd bring up my family's name on my father's side and that would make my mum really happy and proud. My family is rather average. I don't mind that. I feel luckier than many people most of the time and so it doesn't matter to me. But somehow my mum feels inferior and I hate to see her that way, so now I want to change the course of things. (It sounds so profound. One of the reasons I don't think I might make it.)

I've always had 'Plan B's as I call them in my life. If Plan A doesn't work out, use Plan B. Take my O levels for example. I couldn't make it into JC and eventhough I was devastated and cried over it, I already had Plan B at hand. Ask Marcus. Even before the O levels results were out (and I was pretty confident I could go JC even if it is TPJC), I'd already thought of some of the courses I could take in poly. I went to SP career talk and TP open house. Ok, I admit I took it lightly, but at least I got an idea or two about what poly is like and what some of the courses that appeal to me are about.

So, what's my 'Plan B' if I don't get into Biomedical Science or Biological Science at university? I'll try out for Psychology. What if I don't get into university at all? I'll find a job with my diploma as a lab researcher. What if I don't get to be a lab researcher? I'd apply for NIE to become a Science or Malay teacher. What if NIE don't accept my application? Take SATs exam, borrow money from relatives and study overseas. If that doesn't work out too, I'd cry first then get a good husband and become a wonderful housewife to him and the best mother for my children. I can go on, but that is rather depressing....

I'm rotting at home now. Going online, watching tv, reading novels, reading some of my Sec 3 and 4 notes, preparing myself for poly, sleeping, shopping and that's about it. Oh well. I can't wait for poly orientation. I can't wait for school to start! Yes, I'd become stressed again and because of that I'd lose my temper easily again, my face would have big nasty pimples again but I'd have new friends, I'd have something to occupy my time and mind with, I'd... Oh, I just can't wait!!

Once again, I want to change my blogskin, but I can't find any I like or that fits me....