I didn't wanna say it out loud but it is a fact that keeps running through my mind. I could possibly fail that Organic Chem paper today and have to retake the module next year. :( That was how bad it was. Not really because the paper was hard, I didn't know, I can't tell, but it's because I didn't finish studying. The only marks that I am confident I'd get is 22/100, no kidding...

So, I'm feeling rather demoralised and down right now. Why must they put Organic Chem and Cell Structure & Function on the same day??? Everyone else felt relieved once the paper was over, because after today, there's only one more paper left for most of us. I on the other hand, feel such a big boulder in the middle of my chest that truly fears the outcome.

I finished the paper, with my own made-up reactions, reactants, reagents, conditions and products. The only thing that I can hope for is nothing less than a miracle.

I wouldn't feel so bad if Organic Chem isn't a subject that I'd taken before (and scored for) in poly, or if I had been struggling with it from the start, or it was a really really tough paper (since there'd be moderation)... The thing is, I know that deep down in my heart that I hadn't put in enough effort in this. So disappointed in myself...

Last paper on Wednesday. I don't know how it'll be like. It's another heavy module. So many topics to cover in whatever is left of the time from now to the start of exam. I'd had late-nights the past few days, not exactly feeling in the pink of health right now, and I still need to push on a bit more. No matter how demoralised I feel, let not that affect the last paper. I should end this semester on a high note...

I'm tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I can't even seem to get tears, feeling too numb already...

Ya Allah, betapa tak tenteramnya hati ni. First paper in a few hours. Nak katakan, I have finished going through my notes and have tried some past year questions, but... sunguh gelisah sangat-sangat. Takut lupa, takut tersalah concept etc...

I know, dah usaha, dah ikhtiar, dah doa, time to tawakkal. And with these few hours left, I can still put in some more usaha and doa, but it is unnerving. I think it's because I realise that the way I explain my answers when practicing the past year paper yesterday is very incoherent.

DO’A KETIKA HENDAK BERSYARAH ATAU BERBAHAS

Rabbisy rahli sadri wa yassirli amri wahlul ‘uqdatan min lisani yafqahu qauli.
“Ya Allah! Lapangkanlah dadaku, mudahkanlah pekerjaanku (urusanku) dan
lancarkanlah lidahku agar mereka faham pembicaraanku.”

Mata ni mengantuk sungguh. Semalam hampir satu jam just toss and turn toss and turn, baca doa ni doa tu tak kelap lelap jugak mata. Nervous attack dia sampai susah nak bernafas. Akhir sekali, paksa jugak tidur, basahkan lidah dengan selawat, alhamdulillah lelap jugak akhirnya selepas dah hampir jam 2 pagi. Macam nak rehat semula ni, tapi tak tenang! Nak cuba buat soalan-soalan lagi, nak asahkan lagi answering skills.

Ya Allah, tenangkanlah hati yang resah ini.

I'm currently in NTU library, apparently taking a break from revision. Finished one topic yesterday and 2 topics this afternoon for Main Group Chem, and even had a sumptious *gasps!* lunch with Mir at JP and a pathetic yet super fulfilling (plus tonnes of MSG and oil) Mcspicy + shaker fries + double choc frappe for dinner :) I seriously need to save up after exams... (Though I'd most likely be going out alot to celebrate end of exams! Argh $$$$$)

Apart from exams, my mind has started to tune in to FOC stuff back, bit by bit. *stress* I wanna retire can? Excited yar, but the prospect of having to think of programmes for the next 3 months or so, every single day, is rather daunting... games, props, games trial, faci training, mock camp etc etc.

And no doubt, I'm wondering how my holidays would be spent. No overseas trip :( Once again, I have psycho-ed myself that, "No, you have no urgent purpose in going Australia, please save up that money for other urgent use"

I'm trying to stay as independent as possible. Try not to use my parent's money anymore. I strive to pay for my own poly fees (need to pay back my dad's CPF) and for my expenses in the 2 years when I won't get any pay. Quite tough. It's so tempting to want a new phone, or get myself a netbook, or book for a flight with a friend for a short getaway. But NO. Gotta be happy with the smaller stuffs, food and more food, a movie or two, a shoe or two, new shawls, new jubahs, new books... Those small small things. Yet, I feel that I shouldn't be spending on them. Rasulullah didn't bother about those stuffs! Well, erm.. yea...

I want to get a part time job in the holidays, preferably one which is related to teaching. Mir suggested taking Mendaki classes, starting with relief. I think that's a good idea. And I can still relief Teens @live classes once in awhile :))) I'm not sure if I wanna commit weekly. It may be ok during the holidays, but quite tough once school reopens...

I want to finish ALL the books that I have yet to read at home during the holidays. It mounts up to over 20 books! Ish. They've been collecting dust :(

Ok, speaking of reading, I should really get back to reading my notes... Getting a short nap first sounds very tempting too. My neck hurts

Indah kata-kata perangsang Ustazah Sakinah:

Dari Anas r.a, dia berkata bahawa Rasulullah s.a.w pernah berdoa:

اَللَّهُمَّ لاَ سَهْلَ إِلاَّ مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلاً ، وَ أَنْتَ تَجْعَلُ الْحَزْنَ إِذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلاً

Maksudnya: “Ya Allah tidak ada kemudahan selain apa yang Engkau jadikan mudah dan Engkau dapat menjadikan perkara sulit menjadi mudah jika Engkau kehendaki” (H.R Ibn ...Hibban dan sanadnya dihukum sahih bertepatan dengan syarat Muslim dalam kitab al-Silsilah al-Sahihah, No. 2886).

Untuk adik-adik dan pelajar-pelajar saya di UKM , saya hadiahkan kata-kata berikut agar terus berusaha mencapai kejayaan:

Kadangkala hidup ini seringkali terasa pahit
lantaran kita berasa kerdil di sisi manusia-manusia hebat.
Tapi sebenarnya kita lupa bahawa kita juga manusia seperti mereka.
Kita lupa kita mampu menjadi hebat. Kerana KITA MANUSIA!

Berjuang untuk menjadi yang terbaik adalah hak kita.

Selagi mana kita tidak lupa, hidup dan mati kerana Allah, selagi itu kita manusia HEBAT!

Inginkan SEMANGAT?

Ketahuilah, Semangat itu datang dalam diri yang hatinya memburu redha Tuhan =)

Salam perjuangan untuk mu.

Moga terus teguh berteman hati yang kukuh.

SELAMAT MENGHADAPI PEPERIKSAAN

Semoga Ustazah diberikan kesembuhan yang cepat...

Cepatnya masa berlalu... I took 2-3hrs to actually start doing SOME WORK (which was VERY little) then I did my laundry, bathed, prayed, put out the laundry and here I am at 3.54am. :(

I should really go to sleep, or at least continue my research paper, but I just felt like typing something...

I sat for my Organic Chem test just now. I couldn't do so many questions, cause I didn't finish studying. I feel so disappointed in myself. I'd taken Organic Chem in poly before and if I'm not mistaken, I got an A or even a distinction! But this, I screwed up one of the 3 lab reports and the test (15%of overall) just now so I guess, there goes my 30%. How to get A!!!

I was too tired.... Yikes.

Nak kata I regretted becoming a faci for Finding Seacreo, not really. I guess I just didn't manage my time well, boo hoo... So disappointed in myself :'(((

It was another enriching experience being a faci for Finding Seacreo. This is my second time becoming a faci, and it was really different from the first one. The pax were younger than Radiate (except two), the group was mixed of which only 3 were girls, my faci partner is a guy (Faizal btw), I had TEN pax under our care, it was outdoors (about 8 hours with 2 races in it at Sentosa) and we as faci were also the game masters and safety officers. Stress I tell youuuu... I don't think I did a good job. I think I failed to carry out the amanah properly. I am glad that at least 5 of them enjoyed the camp, I guess the programmes were fun, alhamdulillah. I hope they learned at least ONE beneficial thing from the camp...

For the next two weeks, I have my Saturdays full, and I'm scared it would tire me out again. My first paper is on 21st, 8 more days only. 8 days to cover four subjects with 8-20 topics each *faints* I need to get the momentum back (the camp really broke my momentum) and be focused and disciplined with my revision. And I MUST finnish this ALS research paper by tmr night to send for draft safe assignment and peer review...

I am worried why I can't seem to get anything done at all... and time flies so so fast! I'm scared... I wanna do well this sem. I really do. I must pull up my GPA... :'(((