I had been wanting to blog for days, but my health had been stopping me from doing so. Been feeling very very lethargic lately, need to drink more water I think, and get more rest...

Let's see, had La Cosa Nostra mock camp last weekend. Then Monday was a short rest, Tues had prog meeting 10am-7pm, Wed had IS at night, Thurs had prog meeting again 9am-2pm.

It seems alot, not to mention the almost incessant messaging. It certainly is not easy being Head Programmer. Alhamdulillah for the wonderful team, everyone contributes and we move forward together. We are truly like a family. Ohana, nobody gets left behind.

There are two issues I wanna talk about with regards to this orientation.

Firstly, it seems that people may think that I am putting to my effort and time in this orientation, which to their eyes is just another event. For awhile I had the same in my mind too. Questions creep to me, "Why are you doing this? Isn't it a waste of time? What's the point of doing it?" etc and yeah I lost focus and purpose. But I had a talk with two people recently who helped me see that there is a reason I'm where I am. I DO have a purpose to fulfill, and as I think deeper about it, yes indeed, yes indeed. Do not judge me as a person who is involved in JUST another program. Do not judge me as a person who is wasting my time. Do not judge me as a person who do not prioritizes well.... The event is less than a month away. There are alot of things that still needs to be done. And I have a responsibility to carry out. To many, it may mean nothing. To me, it is a platform for me to uphold what is right and stop what isn't. It's just about a month more. Bear with my absence. I'll be back insyaAllah.... in the meantime, do not judge me.

Secondly, I can't remember what's the second issue oredi, so nevermind it.

Still feeling feverish. Been dreaming alot during my sleep. Dreamt of the past when I was young. Dreamt of things that happened not too long ago. Dreamt of things I wish would happen. Dreamt of things I fear. Dreamt of my thoughts. Dreamt of all kinds of things.

Haiz, I'm just not in the best state right now. Alot of things happening around me. Alot of thoughts going through my mind.

There's so many people around me, with so many different values and principles that they hold to. Some may even contradict mine.

Some of my friends have been making fun of me, saying that the only songs I listen to is nasyid. Imagine what would they say if I say that I'm trying not to listen to songs at all.

Some of my friends make fun of me, saying that the shirts I wear are too long and baggy. Imagine what would they say if I say I wish to wear a jubah everyday.

Some of my friends are making fun of me, saying that I am too picky when it comes to food. Imagine what would they say if I say I check the ingredients of all the food that comes my way and if there's a better alternative (with a halal sign) I would go for it, including toothpaste.

Some of my friends laugh at me when I talk about amanah of the community's money (zakat untuk fisabilillah) and such. But I'm just trying to let them know what they know not. It is my responsibility. I do not wish to bersubahat. At the very least, I have brought up my point. Whether they accept what I say, at least I can answer later that I tried. I just wish I am a better speaker, such that people can see my points more clearly. Many Islamic scholars are fluent speakers, it's not a wonder...

Sometimes I feel I'm such a hypocrite. I wish I am not. I do not wish to say what I do not do. Though sometimes you have to.

This world is full of so many different people, with many different features, many different personalities, many different values and principles. But there's only ONE truth...

Many a time people do not put importance to religion. Or rather, they do not see the importance.

I wish I can declare that no matter what happens, religion comes first, but I know I can't... Cause I too many a time forget this priority.

Okok, enough about this... I'm just... in need of a spiritual booster.

I just wish I am in a better state right now. Spiritually, and physically.

Another sleep paralysis experience... Took quite a long while to break off the paralysis. Urgh.

Now I can't sleep.

Wow, the camp was such an energy-seeper that I slept for about 13 hours and am still feeling super sleepy now. But had to go online to do edit abit of the proposal so Welfare can ask for more sponsors. The journey is still ongoing!

And... gosh why must my group be so fit?? Haha, imagine running from Jurong East swimming complex to the Pagoda at Chinese Garden and then climbing up the spiral staircase to the 7th storey and then running to Masjid Al-Mukminin! My legs are so wobbly now haha.

I was supposedly to go on a date with Husniyati today but I was too tired and wobbly so terpaksa postpone :( Sry Husni...

The mock camp went well, I guess. Alot of great feedbacks and suggestions. InsyaAllah by the time it's the actual camp, with the suggestions and other improvements in place, it'd be a great camp.

I've just got a big problem with public speaking. I talk too fast and the sequence of things I talk about is all over the place. Haiz, it was unfortunate that I had to talk quite alot during the camp.

Initially I was just the Head Programmer, then we needed facis and we figured out that the best 4 people are the Head SM and Head faci themselves plus 2 programmers who should know the programmes best and so for mock camp, I was one of the facis from programmes (since the other 2, 1 just came back from US and was sick so can't attend the games trial and the other stays in Johor for the holidays and had to miss quite a number of meetings and part of the games trial too).

Somehow or rather, I ended up being the emcee. It was temporary for Day 1, and that night we appointed another person as emcee, but when morning came, turned out that the emcee had something else and so I went up front again. Argh! I don't really have stage fright, from past experiences, but when I'm not prepared, I panic! And yeah amongst the crowd of facis and SMs that attended our Mock Camp as pax are our very own camp advisors plus the exco of NTUMS and Perbayu, past and present and probably future. Scary jugak ah...

Some parts I was just too tired, too tired even to eat. Day 0 I had a late lunch at around 5 and no dinner (cos I was very sleepy already). I only had a heavy lunch (which I didn't finish cos I found the smell too overwhelming) for Day 1 then ate only chicken for dinner. For Day 2 I think I only managed to down a few biscuits for the whole day. And Day 3 finally I ate some Nasi Lemak but couldn't finish it cos I really was about to vomit already, and when I reached home at night I only had energy to down egg and chicken. I really had no appetite (and time) to eat. Just feels like vomiting each time I look at rice. Dunno why. Never experienced this before seh.

Anyways I really miss my Fityan peeps *sniff sniff*. Everyone is so hyped up about Myspex and I hadn't gone even for one of the games. I was supposed to help out with the Netball day's programmes, but had to back out. I hadn't even take my jacket (the zip was spoiled when I went to take it last week). I wanna play Speedtag for Fityan on the closing ceremony day on 10th but I'm afraid it might clash with something for FOC... :(

*peeks in*

*cough cough*

Hish berabok nye tempat ni :)))

Dah lama benar tak blog... Sebab2nya, malas nak ceritakan...

Tapi kita ketepikan lah eh penyakit M ni dan cuba ceritakan dengan ringkas.

(Dah kenapa pulak berbahasa Melayu ni?? Entah, no particular reason. Ngah lapar kott jadinya gini?)

Ceritanya begini:

Firstly, I can hardly find the time to blog. I don't even know what am I busy with. It's the holidays! And the only thing I have on my to-do list is FOC (FOC is frustratingly NOT free of charge as SOME PEOPLE keep saying, but it stands for Freshmen Orientation Camp) preparations. Well... apart from needing to seriously clean my super berkeladak room (for lack of space to keep my books and notes!) and to finish up my Aqidah Tugasan AT LEAST. Yeah, I had been trying to prioritize, and unfortunately, blogging came low under the priority list.

(Eh dah berbahasa Inggeris balik laaaa hehe)

Secondly, I was facing a demon in me that is afraid of what people are saying. Argh, I know, why should you bother thinking about what people say about you?? But then again, what people say do reflect who you are doesn't it? And well, yea I guess I had been affected by what people have been saying, that I'm not prioritizing my time well, that I'm wasting my time with FOC, that I spend too much time outside than at home, that I'd been revealing too much about my private life (macamlah celebrity mana gitu..) etc etc. Some are true, yet... some are just words coming out the mouth of those who do not understand...

Thirdly, in relation to number 2, I was facing some inner conflicts, and I haven't truly solved them yet...

Fourthly, (fourthly????) also in relation to number 2, I was trying to put in more effort in keeping my 'private life' private by not blogging.

So, why am I here today blogging away?

Firstly, it's because I really really feel like blogging (and that counts ALOT).

Secondly, cause I am putting on the 'heck care' attitude.

Thirdly, I refuse to believe what people are telling me (and I plan to rebut through my blog, bluek). I indeed haven't been wasting my time. I AM doing something at every single minute of my time. Even resting is an essential part of my life. There is a renewed niat for doing FOC (honestly, I feel like cekik cekik batang leher orang yang cakap I'm wasting my time with it, cause they're underestimating me and assuming that I would do something without a proper niat, how dare you, how can it even cross your mind that I would ever waste a single minute of my life doing something pointless :P). And I trust myself that I know what can be put online and what can't, I certainly certainly know my limits. There are ALOT ALOT of secrets I don't reveal online, and whatever I post online, trust me, I have pondered the consequences of the action. And last but not least, I have managed to fold all of my clothes this morning, and I feel that I should reward myself by allowing myself to blog :)))

Actually, if I were to name my emotion right now, the best would probably be 'bitter', with a tinge of anger and sadness and disappointment. What a demoralising emotion right, I know...

And I'd been keeping this feeling in for quite some time that it hurts. And therefore I decide to blog again, at least to let out some of the less private ones. It is bad for thee health to keep everything in, baaaaaaad, especially since I'm not the kind of person that will talk to someone about something. Well, except Amirah. I miss you loads ex-roomieku!

Oh, and surprisingly a number of people have been asking me, "Asal tak blog lagi?" From people who're close like Fatimah and Kak Maryam to people who're far like sis Hida! Terkejut jugak ade orang visit sini lagi. Dan terharu... Dengan itu, saya dengan sukacitanya tertimbul kembali keinginan untuk blog lagi :D *kembang!*

Last but not least, I went through some of my old archives (and can't help thinking that wow, I sounded matured in my writings even at 17 eh... well at least matured to my definition la) and thought that I should continue to document the happenings and my thoughts and feelings. It is a nice thing to look back later on. This memory of mine is not working that well anymore. Without blogging, I would probably simply forget everything that happens...

Unfortunately I can't continue much longer... Sakit perut la beb!

An inspirational and motivational camp open for everyone.
Take some time off from your worldly duties and reflect on our roles as muslims.
At the same time, have fun and make new friends.
On top of that, lots of prizes to be won and attractive freebies as well.
So register now! :)

Start time : 9am on 22nd May
End time : 12pm on 23rd May
Meeting location : Muhajirin Mosque
Things to bring : Will be given along with registration form
Sms bro Harith for guys, and sis Huda for girls

Bro Harith : 83684092
Sis Huda : 81130107