Okok, calm down Marliyana... You're not alone... Right?

No this is not about secreteriat thingy. I know Tsu is with me. Ever so sweet Tsu. And Liyana too. ever ready to help.

*gulps* Bisikan hatiku:
Walaupun jari tak dituding pada diri ini,
salah tetap salah
dan diri ini tetap rasa dipersalahkan.
Terasa diri ini telah gagal menjalankan tugas yang diberi
dan tanggungjawab yang diamanahkan.
Segala apa yang diaturkan
akhirnya punah ranah.
Namun apakan daya,
ia telah berlaku
dan yang sudah itu sudah.
Mungkin ada hikmahnya.
Sekarang esok menanti,
banyak lagi tanggungjawab yang menunggu
untuk dijalankan dengan baik dan sempurna.
Apakah aku terdaya untuk semuanya?
Apakah yang telah aku lakukan??
Apakah yang akan aku lakukan??
Aku kurang pasti.
Aku tak tahu.

I'm determined to learn from mistakes. But I'm such a perfectionist! I can't stand doing anything wrong. What more when it is such a big mistake! Ugh! Why wasn't I firm?? Why why why?

I keep telling myself, "Keep going! It's ok, just keep going! Forget what happened!" yet I keep being reminded of what I had failed to do, and I just wish I could stop time and rewind it back to change what needed to be changed. At least, to have put in more effort to get my part done...

This has been bugging me since last Thursday. The feeling amplified on Tuesday and today, it is so extreme, I must let it out!

I dunno if I can hold my tears tomorrow. I'm afraid I'd cry, again. Tears are already filling my eyes now, just by thinking about it. Remind me to run away as soon as I feel those tears in my eyes. I've embarrassed myself enough.

Expectations. Are so hard to uphold. Failure. Always lurks in the corner.

There is no success without failure. Really? I dunno...

I never forget my failures. It was part of my life and forever will be.

"Just keep going..."

Inilah sebabnya
mengapa diri ini amat berat sekali
untuk menerima sesuatu tanggungjawab.
Diri ini takut sekali jika tersilap langkah
lalu gagal melaksanakan tanggungjawab yang diberi.
Diri ini takut sekali jika kegagalan diri ini
bukan sahaja menjejas seorang iaitu diri ini sahaja
tetapi juga menjejas yang lain di sekeliling.

I'm always scared to take up any leadership roles. I like have a phobia against it. Everytime I'm named a leader, I fail to carry out my duty. It doesn't happen once or twice, but many times before. From schoolwork right up to CCA/organisation involvement.

At the end of the day, I always fail others, and more painfully, I fail myself.

It's hard for me to accept anything less than perfect, right up to the tiniest details. And sometimes because of this, I fail. I spent too much time on a single detail that I forgot the big picture. Sometimes.

I'm so scared I'd cry. I don't want to cry. I really don't. But I just might.

I see crying as a weakness, but I always fail to hide my tears. I dunno ar, I must have extra moisture in my tearducts...

Luahan hati sudah diberi,
namun hati dan jiwa ini masih lagi bergelora.
Soalan demi soalan tetap memenuhi ruang yang ada
menyebabkan diri ini sambung tertanya-tanya.