Aww, mixed emotions...

K, I'm feeling frustrated cos I can't enter pac@gov to claim for my netbook!

And yes, I just got myself a HP mini this morning, and I'm so happy! I don't really know about brands (to me this HP school laptop I'm using just works fine with me but some people say bad things about it...) My China phone worked just as well, if not better, than my current Samsung Jet anyway.

I'm gonna take good care of it. It'll be my companion to and fro school from this coming sem onwards... It's small and light, whee!

Argh, I still haven't finish my tugasan, oh God...

Haiz, I was just thinking back... A number of my friends, and even my mum, would turn to me to ask about religious issues e.g. zakat, dyeing hair, dating etc and sometimes even when I'm not too sure about the dalil of certain issues etc, they'd ask for my personal take/principles on the issue... Yet I just feel that my knowledge is insufficient! Sometimes I just can't answer! (and yet sometimes I forget that I CAN honestly say 'I don't know') I mean, yeah, sometimes these issues arise at untimely hours when my mind would just go blank, eventhough at the back of my mind I know I've read about it before or heard about it being debated in class before etc and I just feel that "Hey Marl, you're a DPI student, you SHOULD know this at the back of your hand!" but yea, I guess my adab towards knowledge is still very insufficient.

And truthfully, sometimes I just get turned off too when the discussion gets too religious. I dunno... I just feel that I'm not there yet, and I can't bring myself to get involved y'know. You just feel uncomfortable and lost.

I admit, I am not a good Muslim (yet, insyaAllah) no matter what my outlook is. I have failed when I come face to face with certain challenges. Failed to nafs, failed the whispers of syaitan... Even those who may not LOOK as religious, some of them, really, I'm sure it is possible that they have a wider knowledge about Islam and that they are more consistent at practising Islam. I have my flaws... And sometimes I just want everything perfect, even in myself...

I dunno... Some may say, "hey, we're uhmans, we're not perfect" yet I cannot be sure if that is the right mindset, especially since WE are Allah's creation...

Ok, I'm rambling.

I'm very tired actually. So sleepy. Still frustrated.

Oh oh, I just felt super frustrated when I was reading the Berita Harian article about bubur Ramadhan at mosques. I dunno if I'm being judgemental towards the writer, but I feel that he's being judgemental of mosques uh... I mean, I dunno what experiences he could have had to say that alot of mosques in Singapore are mainly giving out bubur because of tradition....

What else did I wanna say eh? Alar takpelah...

All in all, today I think as much as I smiled alot, I frowned alot too. Aaaaah stress! Sumer panggil Marli Marli Marli during props making in school just now, boleh tercabut jantung.

Oh I just remembered what I wanted to say, terkejut sey dapat bill hp! *gulps*

I just wanna scream and cry!!! I'm so tired, and I'm just observing classes, not even teaching (which includes having to mark and all). All the worse, it's only Tuesday :(

I'm super cranky and I don't like it. Everything seems to be wrong, the whole world seems to be against me (eeeee such a teenager-ish cliche). Urgh!

I miss the environment in Poi Ching. It was really welcoming... And the primary school kids, awwww... But I wanna teach Bio (and Chem)... I think... Though I can teach primary English, Maths, Science... Dilemma!~ This has been bugging me since last week!

And on top of that, FOC preparations are ongoing and I dunno... I'm getting sick and tired of it... As in, I need a break until I'm ready to take it up again, but then.... AS IF CAN.

My madrasah tugasan has been overdued by weeks and I seem to progress like a sick snail when it comes to it.

My room is like what. My family... aiyah...

I just feel bitter about everything right now.

Stupid Berita Harian, never put date for the expo electronics sale, penat2 orang pergi sekali find out Friday baru start.

Then my mum is asking for my old (but precious! and private!) laptop to give to my brother. Sayang seh... Widescreen, don't think I'd ever get to buy one again... And gosh all my docs inside, kena reformat everything seh.

No hall. No rental of rooms. Meaning, daily travel to and fro Tampines. I'm gonna be so tired like how I am now!!!

Ade manusia yang orang message taknak jawab, ade pulak manusia lain orang taknak dengar asyik masuk je message...

:(:(:(:(

I can hear voices telling me Sabar Marl (and all the dalil2 about sabar coming out) but hey, I'm just hear to let it all out ok...

Finally, I was able to collect my passport this morning. Yay.

In the afternoon (after settling some FOC matters), off I went to JB with my parents and 2nd bro. I think I'm very chatty today, despite the ulcer and itch bump on my lip haha. Too wound up I think, so need to wind down heh.

The jam was rather bad, stuck at causeway for about an hour and a half? Afterwhich we made our way to Jusco. Performed our Asar, and I realise that I don't like Jusco. It feels too much like Vivo, like Sg. Nothing different, yet I was lost in the sea of people... Don't like. So after grabbing some snacks, off we go to Angsana, aaaah.... a familiar place.

Oh we got kinda lost. Enter this highway, exit into another highway, enter another highway, exit into highway. It seems like there's highway everywhere! And the signs are ridiculously confusing. It seems that you're heading to Johor AND Kuala Lumpur at the same time wherever you go. Err, yikes? So we just went around and tried our best to identify the common landmarks and finally we reached (punyerlah excited biler nampak UO sign then the Angsana sign, then the familiar bowling pin at the top haha)

My parents were bickering like almost all the way haha. Cute, but frustrating at the same time arhs.

I enjoyed myself at Angsana, and I don't feel satisfied... I wanna go there again. I only found 2 things that I was looking for. It was so frustrating that all the right kind of shoes that I was looking for are out of stock for my size! And since we reached quite late, around Maghrib, minus time for rayers and dinner and grocery shopping, we only had a short time to shop. :(

Along the way, I was reminded suddenly of Aku & Dia 2 Camp (I was blabbering nonsense half the time in the car) and I think I should post about my experience here. Next time perhaps. It's time to.... sleep!

I is very happy cause I is got me notebooks back! Haha, cheap thrills.... :P

But yeah, I love my notebooks very very much. Hey, great scientists become great because they record down their thoughts...

Apart from that, I'm feeling the iman wheel turning, up up up! Had been feeling low the past few days/weeks, and really really in need of spiritual boosters. Hmm... I need to attend a spiritual session soon. With some good company :)

Today is Kak Rufi's special day. I was unable to go as I was rushing an assignment and then I had to go for class, boo hoo. I wanted to see her looking like a radiant princess!! Looks like I'll just get to see it in pictures. More importantly, my dua is with the newly weds, may Allah bless their marriage, barakAllahu lakuma wa barakah alaykuma wa jama'a baynakuma fi khair :)))))

Oh, I was reminded of a weird encounter with this lady last Thusrday... I was wasting time at Raffles mrt cos I knew I was early and Husni wouldn't reach Bugis from Kembangan so soon. And I didn't wanna stand and loiter around with my laptop in my hands at Bugis... So I sat at a bench facing the glass doors behind which the mrt passes.

As I was just sitting down and stoning (I can't remember what was I doing), a lady sat beside me on my left. Middle-aged. Malay, Muslim, but not wearing tudung. I was watching her from the reflection in the glass. I can't see her whole face as she was blocked by a pillar but I could sense that she had her head turned towards me. I tilted my head abit to the right and true enough, her head was faced towards me. Suddenly she coughed, and so I turned to look at her.

Lady: Ingat taknak toleh tadi... (I thought you weren't about to turn)
I just smiled. What was I supposed to say??

Lady: Besar butterfly awak. Tak terbang? (What a big butterfly you have, doesn't it fly away?)
She was referring to my butterfly brooch. I looked at it and just smiled at her and looked back at the glass.

Then she started a very weird conversation with me...

Lady: Awak tau baca Surah Al-Kafiruun?

Me: Tau.

Lady: Awak tau bila baca Surah Al-Kafiruun?

Me: Err... Bila-bila masa? (In my mind I only remember that it is encouraged to read Surah Al-Kafiruun 7 or 11 times in the first rakaat of Solat Hajat but I doubt she was referring to that... so i didn't say.)

Lady: Bila-bila masa?

Me: Apa maksud cik dengan 'bila'?

Lady: Jadi awak tak baca Surah Al-Kafiruun hari-hari la ni?

Me: Err... tak hari-hari lah.

There was a short pause. In her hands, I saw her taking out two pieces of photocopied papers with Arabic words on it. I can't read what Surah is it or what. But it is probably Ayat Kursi or something. She continued questioning me.

Lady: Awak baca sikit Surah Al-Kafiruun...

Me: Bismillahirrahmanirrahim... Qul ya ayyuhal kafiruun...

Lady: Oh tau baca rupanya. Ingat tak tau...

At that point in time, I just found the conversation super weird and ridiculous. I was wondering if she was trying to test me, or to ridicule me, or trying to sihir me or whatttt...

Lady: Awak dari madrasah eh?

Me: Tak.

Lady: Dari uni?

Me: Dari NIE.

Lady: NIE?

Me: National Institute of Education.

Lady: Oh untuk jadi guru.

Me: Aah.

Lady: Guru madrasah eh?

Me: Tak.

Lady: Bahasa Melayu?

Me: Tak, saya ambil Biology dan Chemistry.

Lady: Oh chemistry...

The train then arrives. I could take it with her if I wanted to, but thought better of it. So when she signalled towards the incoming train,

Me: Oh saya tak naik, saya tunggu kawan.

Lady: Kawan rambut panjang ke rambut pendek?

Me: *jitters* Tak tau, kawan saya pakai tudung.

Firstly, just because I was wearing jubah, I either school at a madrasah or I teach at a madrasah??

Secondly, she was freaking me out. Her body language was rather sinister, as if making fun and ridiculing me. Macam sindir gitu. And eventhough her hair was short, I had the creeps, macam nenek kebayan la orang ni... hish.

Ever since that encounter, I'd been wondering what was that all about... So weird.

The results are out, I didn't get to stay in hostel... Neither did Rahmah and Kak Zubaidah (and alot of my FOC friends).

Rahmah called me a few days ago to say that her mum found them a place for rent at Pioneer. $350 a room. I don't mind having the floor if anyone wanna share the room with me so $175 per person. It'd be so much easier than going to and fro Tampines & Pioneer! But I dunno eh....

I enjoyed the privacy and independence of hall life. If I can't get a hall, a rented place with cousins and friends sounds good... Hmmm....

Argh, Rahmah just called me again to say the house has been rented away... need to look for another one... Looks like I'd have to squat with Raudah and Liyana... I don't mind doing the laundry!

On June 30th, it was my mum's 55th birthday. I had asked her out. I had planned to make her happy all day. Unfortunately, I came home late the day before and so I was really tired in the morning and slept back after Subuh prayers. At 11 plus, my mum appeared at my doorway scolding, why wasn't I awake yet and why didn't I answer the phone?? I only gave her a smile, as that's the best I could afford. In my heart, I was scolding myself too, "You wanted to make her happy!!"

I quickly jumped out of my bed to get ready to go out. On the table, I saw a cake. My mum bought it for herself. I was angry that I wasn't the one buying it for her. The night before, near midnight, I just came back, and I gave her a simple birthday present, a big box of Toblerone chocolate (along with memories of my childhood with her, though it wasn't written, neither was it spoken).

My mum said that she had been waiting at a doughnut shop all morning. She wanted to give them out to her friends. But since the doughnut took so long, she decided to buy a cake instead. It was a really pretty and yummy cake.

I wanted my mum to cut the cake infront of her friends, to make it look like a birthday party, to make her happy, but she said it herself, it would take too much time. Plus we'd want to leave some cake at home.

So it was a small party. Just my brother and I with our mum. We took pictures. We sang the birthday song and she cut the cake.

Fastforward...

We went to Metro at Paragon. She'd been wanting to find white shoes. And I wanted to make her happy. So we shopped. And then we went to look for my dad's birthday present skali. And we had lunch, my treat. It was great to see her happy.

We went to Asar at Al-Falah. This is epic.

I couldn't help it. All I wanted is to make her happy, that day, everyday. But sometimes it's just hard. That Asar, it suddenly struck me. My mum has turned 55. That's not young. Not at all. What if, that day was the last day for me to make her happy? What if, those pictures we took were the last pictures I'd have of us together? What if, that smile I gave her was the last smile I'd ever give her?

When I parted with her, she went to meet my grandma while I was going to school for IS, I just felt... I dunno...

Indeed I am scared of losing my mum. I felt it before. She went for hajj when I was in primary 4, and I cried and cried. I never want to feel that again, but I probably would. Unless, of course, if I were to go first...

I hope I'm enough of an anak solehah to have a place for her (and my dad) in jannah. She deserves it. For everything that she has done, that she has sacrificed...

Once the great Imam Al-Ghazali posed 6 questions to his students as follows...

Al-Ghazali: Q1 - “What is very close to us in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as our parents, spouse, close friends, our children and etc.

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘death’ because Allah SWT has promised us that those who lives will definitely die” (refer Sura Ali Imran : 185)

Al-Ghazali: Q2 –" What is the furthest from us in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as the country of China, the moon, the sun and etc.

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘our past’ because in whatever the circumstances , whoever we are and whatever vehicle we use we cannot go back into the past. So we have to always take care of today and the coming days with righteous deeds that is taught by Islam”

Al-Ghazali: Q3 – “What is the biggest in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as the mountain, the earth, the sun and etc..

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘temptation (Nafs)’. So we must always be cautious with our temptation so as not to allow it to drive us to hell (Jahannam)” Refer Sura Al A’raf 179)

Al-Ghazali: Q4 - “What is the heaviest in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as iron, steel, the elephant and etc...

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘being trustworthy (Amanah)’ Al Ghazali explain “ The plants, trees, animals and the mountain could not accept the task of being the caliph of this world but human, with arrogance and conceit accepted the task and so much so many human beings are being thrown into hell (Jahannam) by Allah SWt because they have breached the trust others place on them. Refer Sura Al Ahzab 72)

Al-Ghazali: Q5 - “What is the lightest in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as cotton, dust, the wind and etc...

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘neglecting the salat (daily prayer). Al Ghazali explain this is especially true as people are known to simply neglect the salat because they are having a business meeting , having to work etc

Al-Ghazali: Q6 - “What is the sharpest in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as the sword, knife and etc...

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘human tongue’. Al Ghazali explains that with their tongues human arrogantly will offend and hurt the feeling of others.

I had been wanting to blog for days, but my health had been stopping me from doing so. Been feeling very very lethargic lately, need to drink more water I think, and get more rest...

Let's see, had La Cosa Nostra mock camp last weekend. Then Monday was a short rest, Tues had prog meeting 10am-7pm, Wed had IS at night, Thurs had prog meeting again 9am-2pm.

It seems alot, not to mention the almost incessant messaging. It certainly is not easy being Head Programmer. Alhamdulillah for the wonderful team, everyone contributes and we move forward together. We are truly like a family. Ohana, nobody gets left behind.

There are two issues I wanna talk about with regards to this orientation.

Firstly, it seems that people may think that I am putting to my effort and time in this orientation, which to their eyes is just another event. For awhile I had the same in my mind too. Questions creep to me, "Why are you doing this? Isn't it a waste of time? What's the point of doing it?" etc and yeah I lost focus and purpose. But I had a talk with two people recently who helped me see that there is a reason I'm where I am. I DO have a purpose to fulfill, and as I think deeper about it, yes indeed, yes indeed. Do not judge me as a person who is involved in JUST another program. Do not judge me as a person who is wasting my time. Do not judge me as a person who do not prioritizes well.... The event is less than a month away. There are alot of things that still needs to be done. And I have a responsibility to carry out. To many, it may mean nothing. To me, it is a platform for me to uphold what is right and stop what isn't. It's just about a month more. Bear with my absence. I'll be back insyaAllah.... in the meantime, do not judge me.

Secondly, I can't remember what's the second issue oredi, so nevermind it.

Still feeling feverish. Been dreaming alot during my sleep. Dreamt of the past when I was young. Dreamt of things that happened not too long ago. Dreamt of things I wish would happen. Dreamt of things I fear. Dreamt of my thoughts. Dreamt of all kinds of things.

Haiz, I'm just not in the best state right now. Alot of things happening around me. Alot of thoughts going through my mind.

There's so many people around me, with so many different values and principles that they hold to. Some may even contradict mine.

Some of my friends have been making fun of me, saying that the only songs I listen to is nasyid. Imagine what would they say if I say that I'm trying not to listen to songs at all.

Some of my friends make fun of me, saying that the shirts I wear are too long and baggy. Imagine what would they say if I say I wish to wear a jubah everyday.

Some of my friends are making fun of me, saying that I am too picky when it comes to food. Imagine what would they say if I say I check the ingredients of all the food that comes my way and if there's a better alternative (with a halal sign) I would go for it, including toothpaste.

Some of my friends laugh at me when I talk about amanah of the community's money (zakat untuk fisabilillah) and such. But I'm just trying to let them know what they know not. It is my responsibility. I do not wish to bersubahat. At the very least, I have brought up my point. Whether they accept what I say, at least I can answer later that I tried. I just wish I am a better speaker, such that people can see my points more clearly. Many Islamic scholars are fluent speakers, it's not a wonder...

Sometimes I feel I'm such a hypocrite. I wish I am not. I do not wish to say what I do not do. Though sometimes you have to.

This world is full of so many different people, with many different features, many different personalities, many different values and principles. But there's only ONE truth...

Many a time people do not put importance to religion. Or rather, they do not see the importance.

I wish I can declare that no matter what happens, religion comes first, but I know I can't... Cause I too many a time forget this priority.

Okok, enough about this... I'm just... in need of a spiritual booster.

I just wish I am in a better state right now. Spiritually, and physically.