Kita hanya berusaha, berikhtiar, berdoa dan bertawakkal sahaja, keputusan akhirnya tetap berada di tangan (figuratively) Allah.

It hadn't been easy finding volunteers for korban this year. So many doesn't seem to be able to help out. I'm really maximising my network to the limits... And yet...

This is not the main issue though. Nothing is. Just that when you put minor minor issues together, it just gets too overwhelming and you feel like your chest is about to burst.

Driving was horrible today. I panicked and lost control of what things I need to do. It's my 8th lesson for goodness sake, and no matter how much I keep telling myself that "Look, don't compare with others... It doesn't matter how long you take to get to your destination as long as you do not give up" but... I can't accept that I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again! I can't help it, especially when I panic! And my recovery period is at least 10-15 mins of which within that time span I make even more mistakes, oh gosh. Horrible. How to pass like this???? Come to think of it, of the 6 e-trial tests I did (without studying), I failed 5 by a few percent. I don't know if I can even pass my FTT. I was lucky the last time, if luck even has anything to do with it.

At home, well... something happened that made me regret using my mum's phone for that short period of how many days. REGRET. I could have lived without a phone...

I was so happy I made notes for half a topic this afternoon when I made a sudden decision to drop at TP to study at ITAS. I thought I can finish at least this 1 chapter tonight. Fat hope.

It's been a long time since I kept myself from saying this but it sums everything up best today: I'm stressed.

Just so overwhelmed with challenges bombarding me four at once.

I want my As, I want to pull up my GPA to 3.5 or 3.6 this sem. I want to pass my e-trial test this Dec. I want to get my license before I turn 22.

I don't want to disappoint others, especially when trust has been given to me. I hate to lose people's trust in me because I know how painful it is to gain it back once it's lost.

Honestly, I've given my best.

I kept to what I said I would do. I would try to cover some of my notes on the train ride and reduce sleep. I did.

It's just so hard to see the mini tiny achievements when faced with much bigger challenges.

I miss TP. I really do. I miss the grades I used to get in Year 1. I really do. I miss how there seems to be no problem around at all... I think I'm getting myself too much involved. Too much for my own good.

The hardest thing to learn to do, is to learn to forgive yourself...

Chem Test on Thursday. I AM putting in effort, as much, best as I can put in. And still, it falls far short from my friends.

There's this frustration inside that I have no idea where to channel to. I might hurt people. There's this lump stuck in my throat, it's sickening.

11.44pm. Gtg.

Hormone imbalance not helping at all.

Reminding myself that Allah doesn't test his servants more than they can take....

I didn't exactly have a good day today... Was so tired in the morning that I decided to skip class (thank God he doesn't take attendance). Dah siap tau, tinggal pakai tudung, then merengek to my mum taknak gi sch and she allowed. Tapi mak pesan... Sekali takpe, jangan selalu2! Hehe, insyaAllah tak. So right after that, tukar to home tshirt and continue to sleep... All the way till nearly noon, terbangun and realised I'm late for driving! Merengek to my dad pulak and there I was at Ubi in time for my practical.

Today's driving spoilt my day. My 6th lesson! And I stalled thrice, boooooooooo. As usual, we don't have unnecessary chats in the car... It's all business. Seriously, he looks so unmotivated and unenthusiastic, as if he's been forced to do this. And he scolded me :( Not shout at me uh, but like reprimand gitu. I still don't understand what am i supposed to look out for when I 'check blindspot' or 'check mirror', so I asked him explain again arh, and he said, "Just now you said you got it?" Blergh. He makes me sound like I can't drive. Hey, like duh, I can't drive and that's why I'm here to LEARN to drive right?

I was so demoralised that I had no mood to write in my notebook about what I learned as I usually would, right after the lesson. Especially since what kept ringing in my head is that: Amalina spent two weeks and only about $200 of crash course and passed on her first trial and Mahmudah said last week that she started learning all the other things after just a couple of lessons while I'm still driving around correcting gear and signal and such for the past 5 lessons. Ya ya, I'm such a slow learner when it comes to driving but hey I'm trying my best! Ni yang buat malaaaaaaaas nak continue driving tau, I find no support. Yea my parents, especially my mum, want me to pass so much but they don't understand how hard it is for me and how much is this costing me financially and emotionally!

I pretty much did nothing today but sulk in despair. I feel like cancelling this Thurs' lesson. Got no mood...

I was really thinking about asking for a change of instructor, but firstly, the process sounds tedious and... also when I think back, although Andrew made me comfortable and almost stress-free with driving, he didn't spot my mistakes, I wouldn't learn that way... Haiz, I shall let things flow then. I have about 3 more months to improve... Really, as much as I want to pass just to prove to myself that I can do it, I'm really doing this for my mum... at least to stop her from nagging. My innate motivation for this is depleting though... *sobs*

I just feel like I have alot of troubles on my shoulders, I just feel pinned down, and I can't move forward. There's so many things to do and I dunno where to start!

I feel so small, so insignificant, so useless, so stupid... It's demoralising! I was trying to find something to cheer me up just now, and found nothing... I don't think I'd given a single sincere smile today... :(

Everyone seems to have something they're good at. I don't seem to have any... Or at least I have yet to find it. I'm sure Allah didn't create me to fail at everything. I'm sure there's something special about me, right? That will help me fulfill the purpose of my creation, whatever that may be... Adakah kamu kira bahawa Allah mencipta amu dengan sia-sia? Tidak sesekali...

I'm excited about driving tmr, whee~!

At about 7.30pm I saw Mahirah posted a pic of her tudung on this tudung hanger that I'd been looking for. Found out that Ikea sells it at $9 only compared to prices I've heard, straightaway after Isya' I changed and got my dad to drive me to Ikea, and in less than an hour, I was safe and sound with 2 of such hangers hehe. 2hours later, I've hung about 50 of my tudungs and realise more than 20 are the plain ones that I usually wear, and more than 20 others are the designed ones which are smaller, and thus I rarely wear. AND I realise I need another of such hanger for my shawls, no space oredi :s

My point is, wow that was a fast (and rash) decision! Haha

Driving is at 10.20-12.00 tmr. Then I have 2 1/2hrs to travel to school and zohor. Argh it's tutorial tmr and I haven't done it. by hey I finished reading about the seed plants life cycle before Bio today and by the time I reached Tiong bahru on the way home, I'd finished Chonrichthyes and Osteichthyes. Gotta finish tutorial before class tmr...

Today we had a field trip to Botanic Gardens. Interesting though it was pretty hot and tiring, had to be careful with my footing on the slopes we went on... trust our prof to go off the walk trail...

Oh today is Pink Hijab Day! Yay for pink! Haha, and I realise I have alot of pink tudung but very few pink tops.. Hmm...

I wanna shop for pink tops, shirts to go with skirts, skirts and shawls, but.... not this month... I'm scrimping every cent I can. Driving (school) is costing me a bomb. Sheesh... next pay still need to pay for December bookings. Please please please let me pass before I turn 22... I wanna drive officially! Haha, but for now still alot to learn... So yeah, let's take things slowly...

Alright world, I should attempt to do my tutorial, or at least go to sleep...

Driving was greaaaaaattttt today! I was more confident on the road, can change-up and change-down on my own with less prompts from Kevin. Footwork and gear coordination was much better. I see improvement in myself, yet of course there's more room for improvement especially at bends, overtaking and changing lanes. Shall work on those this Thurs insyaAllah. I still panic when i dunno what to do on the road, hehe. That'd take abit more work. The 1hr plus was usual, silent and boring haha, but good la, can concentrate on the road. I'm just happy that up till now I haven't stalled the car hehe, though sometimes I still release the clutch too fast that the car jerked. I'm excited! Hopefully yes yes I can get my license before I turn 22!

I just finished watching Chamber of Secrets on DVD. Wanted to watch it on Channel 5 last Sat, but only got to watch abit as we had to go down to bbq oredi. I miss my HP crazy phase! Hex rpg, virtual Hogwarts, reading fanfictions, writing my own fanfiction... Haha, I was talking to Liy about HP and realised I know ALOT about HP, I wanna read the books again, I wanna play the games again, I wanna watch the movies again, I wanna talk about HP again! I even named my phone silent mode as Silencio last time hehe.

Ok, I missed out on my sleep and study time today! HP has got to wait till 17 Nov. Need to study smart and rest well hehe.

I can't wait for pesantren this Dec, a nice way to get things in order after exams (which includes my FTT too) :)

I just came back from my third driving practical. I think Kevin, my instructor is tired, and pretty much bored at how slow I learn... And I still can't keep straight in my lane... But at least I improved in putting to gear 2, I didn't put in the wrong gear again and also I pretty much got the hang of braking or clutching in first when approaching a red light behind a car. I shall improve on my gear change (1->2->3->2->1) next Monday, Kevin ask me to control it on my own already without having him to prompt. Gear change itself at least have 4 sub-points I need to remember. Hey so far so good, I've yet to mount a curb (close enough though) or stall the engine (hahah, whenever the car make weird sound, clutch in!) Whee~! Quite demoralised when he feedback at the end of the practical just now, but thinking about it, not bad leh, on my third lesson... And yep yep I shall read the notes I jotted down before next practical and try to improve my gear change.

I have another practical next week and 2 more on the last week of October. I plan to book for twice weekly in November, but December I don't think I can keep to that frequency due to exams, holiday and pesantren insyaAllah... I guess I'll go back to twice weekly (or more) in Jan and Feb. Hopefully I pass my FTT on 16th Dec and get to book a TP before my 22nd birthday! It'd be nice to pass before my 22nd birthday! :D And I shall work towards it. Semoga Allah merezekikanku untuk lulus...

Stress jugak arh pikir pasal S-course, crank-course, parallel parking, vertical parking, stop on slope, directional change and U-turn but insyaAllah boleh. By end of Feb, I should have covered about 30 practicals if I follow my plan. *gulps* I would have spent $2000 or more by then. I guess it's a worth-it investment but woah... $61 per lesson, I better make ch and every lesson worth the money...

Dear Kevin, please have patience with me and don't scold me, I don't wanna stop for the second time...

I cannot take it when I'm scolded...

Speaking of which I can't even take it hearing people being scolded. I don't have the heart for it. As in I'm talking about serious scolding ar... I hate arguments, I hate when people can't compromise and give and take a little, I hate it when people even start raising voice at each other. I get scared of the consequences... Anger brings people nowhere but bad consequences especially if people totally don't talk rationally and just shoot their mouth off or their hands start to move :(

Oh, actually I'm feeling pretty scared on the road, whether I'm driving, or I'm being driven or I'm a pedestrian. I haven't totally gotten over the second accident, and the nightmare I had just made things worst. I talked non-stop or went to sleep to distract myself and I just feel like pulling myself away from the door when my brother drove at a fast speed at the expressway last Saturday night.

I'm wondering how to survive these 4 months as I spend on driving, and I still have to pay for my madrasah fees, my hp bill, my basic necessities and daily expenses, my transport fare (which is like a freaking $4 everyday to and fro school!) apart from the amount I give my mum. I really cut down on my savings... Gotta go earn some bucks to cover up for the lost in savings...

There's so much I wanna talk about today! But sheesh I'd better START on my essay due tomorrow... And go book my practicals for November before it's too late!

I shall be driving again today :) Abit excited, abit nervous, abit "aiyar, just do it". I shall strive till I get a license this time round insyaAllah. It's about time... I dunno, I just feel like 21 is an age to get up and grow up. I never had the confidence that I will pass driving before this just as I had no confidence of being a facilitator or mentor. But at 21, I find myself saying that if I don't have confidence now, I never will.

I still don't have the confidence of leading a group of people my age or older towards the betterment of society though. Still hiding in my shell and telling myself that people will look down on my capabilities and there's no point in leading people whom I would have to spend time earning trust. I need to show what I'm capable of first (though I've yet to move towards it, since I don't know if that path is what I want to pursue in).

Haha, this reminds me of the conversation I had with Amina on the train a few days ago. She kept being surprised at what I'm capable of. And when I asked her what was her first impression of me the first time I stepped into the room for the first meeting with the advisors, commandant, deputy commandant (herself), coordinator and co-ccoordinator, she said that she thought that I look like an English teacher and is in the welfare role (HAHA). I as the head programmer was 5th in command and I guess I showed that I'm a follower rather than a leader back then. But the way Amina is surprised is like funny! She was so surprised at how the creativity and ideas flowed in programmes team (though that was largely due to a very wonderful team which included Luthfi the ideas generator). She was so surprised to know I was in silat and so can't imagine me doing it (actually I don't see myself doing it either, I was just trying new things heheh and I learned cool stuff indeed and I think I did lose some weight :D). She was shocked to see me carrying the thick Invertebrate Biology book around and can't see me as a Science-y person (well, if she means to say I don't look like a nerd, thank God, but really, I love and am passionate about Biology especially Molecular Biology stuff!). And she was super impressed when I solved all 3 (easy, medium AND hard) codes on mastermind in 7 steps or less! Hahahaha I may not show that I have IQ, but gosh, have I been showing like I'm such a dumb bimbo? Hmm, a point to ponder on ehhh.

Ok, I'm 2hrs away from driving. Whee? I should go get ready now, wouldn't want to be late.

Because of driving, I'm like super broke. Never in my life have I had less than $450-500 in my bank account and today it stands at $9 plus 0_o