Finally I can get to go online! Rinduuuu sesangat ngan blogku ni.. Sehati sejiwa. Bila berpisahan aduhh... Haha.

I have a feeling I'm gonna be full of randomness today... Haha, that's how my thoughts are like right now: super random (ok, it may be random but there's reason behind it ok)

I've been doing alot of thinking lately. Nothing new actually larh, but sometimes it's just more intense, like now... Haha.

No more addicted to nutella, now I'm addicted to Chips More double choc cookies and fried drumlets! Having that just for breakfast and dinner (lunch need some carbo la kan..) is enough!

I really wanna change my blogskin. Been months... Nur Ikhwan dah lamer change blogskin, Fityan baru tukar blogskin yet again (6th one already!), mine is still the same old same old... Salang bro Mohksin nye blog pon dah tukar skin la dey!

Listening to Savage Garden Crash and Burn again.. Sometimes I feel that I have no one to turn to (actually ader, cuma diri ni je ego kott), but my comfort is deep deep in my heart. Nanti time sunyi sunyi tu ade suara hati kata: "Kan Allah ade.. Bukankah dia yang Maha Mendengar? And as Shikin puts it, Allah can comfort you in ways nobody else can." Ade betol tu. Guess sometimes what we need is just some quiet time to reflect and to remember Allah.

A few weeks back I was asked, what would I wanna be in the future and yeah, I'm still thinking about it. I think I've narrowed things down to 3 (for today... Haha, tau2 besok tukar dah).

1) Research scientist. I came across my old old webby and that was what I wrote in my ambition part. And guess it is still in me. I am doing Biotech afterall right. And I used to love Bio and still do. Life Sciences always attract my attention. Subjects like Genetics, Molecular Biology, Mammalian Cell Technology and Tissue Engineering are very appealing to me. However, hal bioethics ni yang merunsingkan... Especially when you talk about Islam. But tadi my ustaz kat Andalus tu cakap that knowledge on itself is not wrong, what makes it wrong is how you apply the knowledge. Hmm, ade betol nye jugak. But to think of it, kalau kita dah kerja under a company, kan kita kena buat ape supervisor dan orang2 atasan kita tu cakap. Dorang suroh kita research, kita pon research. Then what they do with the results we obtain is their problem, not ours. And what if they use it for the wrong reasons? Macam cloning... Cloning cells to make organs to replace diseased tissues may be fine. Tolong orang kan gitu. But if cloning is used because humans are trying to be God by creating a creature, dah salah tu. Abe kita yang ade kena-mengena dengan research tu kirakan bersubahat ke? Hmm... But of course there are other areas of research... Plant technology contohnya. Tapi plant boring ah haha. In my opinion lah. Gakkan nak kerja with things you have no passion for. Buang masa dan tenaga je.

2) Doctor/gynaecologist. It has been in my head ever since my uncle mentioned it. He had high hopes for me and when I didn't do well for O level somehow I feel that I let him down. So there's a part of me that wanna be a doctor to sort of make up for my O level. To show that I can do it. Lagipun tengoklah, berapa je doctor yang Melayu Islam kat Singapore ni, you tell me. Tak ramai... Macam sedih gitu kan. Lagi2 bilangan doctor Mekayu wanita. Hah. Dengan sebab ini, terpaksa lah kaum wanita Islam kita berjumpa dengan doctor berbangsa/berjantina lain. And you know, biasalah jumpa doctor most likely ade kena bukak aurat sikit kan. Salang injection nak kena roll up sleeve. Aurat tu... And gynaecologist... Aurat yang perlu dibuka adalah kemaluan kita. Dan gynaecologist banyak lelaki! From what I heard lah... Malukan, ada lelaki yang tak dikenali tengok kemaluan kita. Tapi nak buat macam mana. That's why ade cita2 nak jadi gynaecologist ni... Sumber inspirasi: Dr Jaslan Joosoph (kalau tak silap namanya) kat BH tu hehe. Ada satu article tu, dia cakap tentang menyambut kedatangan seorang bayi tu, macam seronok! You are the first person to receive a khalifah into the world! Pikirkan tu je macam betol terdorong nak jadi gynae hehe. Tapi seram jugak. Darah berlambak2, air tuban bocor lah bla bla bla. Haha, and ish my hands kekadang tak steady. Nervous je menggeletar macam ape. Mana boleh!

3) Nak mengajar kat madrasah setempat kita. Ajar science kott haha. Tapiiiiii... I am one very impatient person. Salang dengan kucing aku je hai... (hari tu dia masuk almari aku, terpekik2 aku macam orang gila marah dia, geram tau, dah banyak bilang dia jangan masuk bilik aku, ni dia masuk almari aku duduk atas baju2 aku ok! Punyelah fed-up!) Besides, macam boring... Almost every cousin of mine on my dad's side is a teacher. Adelah satu accountant. Tu lah aku nak jadi doctor. Haha, it's just me. Orang sume buat ni, aku nak buat yang lain daripada dorang. Dorongan nak mengajar kat madrasah ni ialah nak tengok lebih ramai anak-anak Melayu Islam kita berjaya. I feel as if I have a responsibility gitu to be involved in the system. I wanna prove, pelajar dari madrasah pon boleh berjaya. Bukannya sekarang takde... Malah I feel that sekarang makin ramai. But you know, it's different to be on the outside looking in and to actually be on the inside getting nvolved in things? Actually sekarang ni ada orang tu ajak volunteer kat Madrasah Irsyad tolong mentor budak2 pri 6 dorang Eng, Math, Sci. Nak jugak, tapi it's at Newton! Definitely my parents tak kasi. And myself sekarang ni kalau ade banyak masa nak luangkan takpe jugak. Tapi everyday I get home the only thing I wish to do is sleep! I feel guilty lah, macam self-centered gitu kan. But, let's just say I have my own way of contributing to the Malay Muslim society of Singapore? Not that I'm doing much, but I'm giving my best.

I see ramai sisters around me ajar tution. Aku pon nak... Tapi salang adik (lain mak lain bapak) aku mintak tolong pon aku tak tahu aku boleh tolong ke tak. Even my friends yang I see practically everyday, perhaps more time than I see my parents, I don't think I've helped enough. Entahlah eh. I guess right now I've fulfilled the lower levels of Maslow's Hierarchhy: physiological, safety, love and belongingness, esteem, and now I need to achieve self actualisation?

I know there is a purpose of me being here on earth. Haha, terasa macam I'm on a mission gitu. Just that I don't know the exact purpose (putting aside to sembah Allah k), the exact reason why I'm here and the exact role, job or mission that I need to accomplish. Maybe I'll realise it someday.And maybe also I never will, if Allah wishes to take me away from my loved ones.

Haha, you have an idea of what is going on in my head... And this is of course not all.

My all time love=knowledge. I really value knowledge. Kekadang the only reason I go to school is knowledge and to extract as much as possible, and not to do well. Especially lately when I keep hearing about this word called ilm'. Aliff, lam, mim. Eh, I just realised, that's the starting letters of certain surahs. But I'm not saying that it means ilm'!!!!!! Don't say that I'm saying it refers to ilm'. Hanya Allah sahaja yang tahu makna Aliff, Lam, Mim tu ok. Ahli tafsir pon tak berani tafsir apatah lagi aku yang tak seberapa ni. Don't get me wrong. Cuma ter-realise jap je tadi.

Let me share a few things I hear about this word called ilm'.

From Ustaz Husny:

From can't-remember-who: Ilmu mula-mula kita belajar, kita sombong. Lawanlah sifat sombong itu dengan sifat tawadhu'. Kita akan dapati bahawasanya banyak yang tidak kita ketahui. Dan akhirnya, kita akan mendapati diri kita ini sebenarnya jahil.

In other words, the more we study, the less (we realise that) we know actually. There's always someone smarter and more knowledgeable than us (like kisah Nabi Musa and Nabi Khidir dalam Al-Qur'an) and of course the Most Knowledgeable, yang Maha Mengetahui segala sesuatu sebenarnya adalah Allah s.w.t.

From the Ustaz I'm learning from at Andalus currently (I don't wanna mention his name larh, cos he's quite adept at all this internet stuff and I've learnt my lesson. You write a teacher's name on your blog, that teacher will find your blog and keep tabs on you. And if you're on agreeable terms with the teacher it'd be fine, but some people you just find it hard to agree with what they believe in.):

Sumbangan besar umat Islam pada dunia adalah ilmu dan ilmu yang paling penting dalam tamadun Islam (I'm learning about sejarah and tamadun Islam) ialah mengenali Allah (ma'arifatullah).

Human knowledge is like a drop of water compared to Allah's knowledge.

(Note that all this is what my Ustaz say, not me) Ilmu itu seluas lautan dan dalam kisah Nabi Musa dan Nabi Khidir dalam Surah Al-Kahfi, Nabi Musa dikatakan akan berjumpa Nabi Khidir di mana 2 lautan bertemu, and since ilmu itu seluas lautan, makna 2 lautan bertemu ialah apabila ilmu dunia bertemu dengan ilmu akhirat.

Wow, another extremely long post. Sorry, it's become a habit. At least this post is err... meaningful? I hope. I'd really like to share about what I learn in KPR, so bear with me? Or you can go click that red 'X' at the top... Won't hurt me a bit.