There's soooo much I wanna say tapi tak dapat ku luahkan kerana ia tidak patut diketahui sesiapa pun. Ia rahsia hanya buatku ketahui. (though I do wish I can share with someone, but I won't even tell my mum, why would anyone else know can? hanya Dia sahaja yang tau...)

Feeling rather... I dunno... Ad and I term it as depression, but I'm not sure if it's the right word. (And at the same time, I can't put one exact term to my feelings anyway, since there's so many feelings berkecamuk around everywhere)

How would you like to have your whole body numbed and turned to lie on your side, and as much as you try to jerk your limbs, you can't move? I felt that before, under somekind of sleeping paralysis. But at least I 'woke up' after that and am still ALIVE today..

But how would you like, after not being able to move at all, to have your eyelids pushed down to almost pop your eyes out and then have a glass tube inserted into the side of your eye near your nose, and not only that, when it's in, it pushes onto your blood vessel till it breaks and blood oozes out before your eyes get pinched shut.

Just as you thought the ordeal was over (eventhough you can't feel anything, you wish you could just run away and hide somewhere), you are made to lie on your back and a needle is inserted from your lowest rib-bone up your sternum and pierce your heart (as much as you wish for a cupid arrow to hit your heart, you'd never dreamt something sharper would hit you, right?) and you see almost all blood in your body get drained.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, however you put it) your wish to simply vanish comes true as another needle is inserted into your heart again and this time you feel some fluid get flowed through it and before you know it, you get sleepier and sleepier and never to wake up again...

That is how it is like if you were to put yourself into the shoes of a lab mouse. That is how I imagine the mouse 'felt' during LAST lab just now. And as much as I don't want to do it, I would have to for it will be my practical test. Yes, I would have to do that.

It's like an irony that LAST stands for Lab Animal Safety Technique or something like that. Theory and practical are so totally two different things.

Felt like vomiting after lab just now, gosh! Lucky I didn't eat anything for lunch, cept ice-cream (Mat Kool choc tastes nice! thx AD!)

Hmm, as usual, I feel so much burden on my shoulders. Wish I can view it all not asburden, but as opportunity to gain knowledge, tools to achieve my main aim: mardhatillah!

I dunno... Sometimes sincerity fade. And without a sincere heart, things get tough and very challenging. I wonder, is there anyone who truly devotes his life in only ONE aim to achieve His pleasure and so EVERY SINGLE THING he does is ikhlas lillahi taala.

I wish to be like that.

Unfortunately, I can't! Some would say, "Well you're human afterall" but...

Lillahi taala
Lillahi taala
Lillahi taala

Isn't that supposed to be the RIGHT way?

I don't know. Only He knows.

Today is the day I gave my final decision. I had more or less decided last week actually but I dunno, I found it hard to say out and officialise that decision cos making that decision automatically means I've agreed to take on the challenge amd take up all the responsibilities meant for me. -_-

The more others try to convince me, the more unsure I get.

Whatever it is, I've officialised my decision just now.

(Suddenly terpikir, cam gini agaknya perasaan kalau nak kahwin eh?? Waduhh)

Speaking of marriage... My mum ever mentioned, she'd like to see me married by 24 or latest 25, or else I'd be labelled 'andalusia' or more commonly known as 'andatu'!

I'm 19 this year. This leaves me with 5/6 years at most. *gulps* Reminder to self: Time flies REALLY fast these days *double gulps*

My room is berserak as ever. And half of me wanna clean it. But the other half...

1 more week to CPR. Less than 2 weeks to term test (5 PAPERS OK!!!) followed by Camp Xplore faci training. Roughly 3 weeks to Camp Xplore (min target reached alhamdulillah!) and KRC (I have yet to register nih!! Don't leave me!!). Less than 1 month to D'Talk *BIG BIG gulp* (More decisions to make *groans*) About 3-4 more months before it's the end of lectures and tutorials! (for the time being) And then attachment *lub dup lub dup* for I dunno how many months with who at where and all *seramz* And before I know it, I'd be wearing THE robe to officialise my graduation and then... WHAT?

Where do I go next?

Sleepy already... Before I end of, just wanna say two things:

"Ana dah terima. Lillahi taala. Lillahi taala. Lillahi taala. InsyaAllah."

"Hanya kasih dan sayang sanggup kuberi. Cinta hanya untukNya dan RasulNya." - dunno where I heard it...

I must wake up tomorrow determined to accomplish more things....