I am feeling... UNPRODUCTIVE. And so I am feeling... WORRIED/PANICKY/GAN CHEONG at the same time too. The thing is... I'm not running around the house screaming in a fit of worry. And neither am I sitting down to get things done. Oh dear...

Rasa hati ni tak tenang langsung. Every few minutes, my brainwaves would send signals reminding me of ALL the things I have yet to do. Though my breathing is quiet, as if I'm sleeping... Ikut hati nak terus gi tido je, hmm... Takble takble.

Keep asking myself, "Cammaner ni, cammaner ni..." Adui.

I'm scared I fail in my duties, as a student mainly currently since exam for TP and DPIA are just around the corner and my lab reports and tugasan(s) I've yet to start at all. These days whenever I try to memorize something, I find it very hard to do. Cammaner ni?? What have I done wrong?? Did I eat something I shouldn't have eaten?? I dunno... Biasa-biasa aje sume pe... I hope, in my usaha to dekatkan diri pada Allah, pada Rasul, pada agama dan pada ilmu, I'll overcome all of this SOON.

I need a break! Seriously... Marathon marathon.

Memang bagui setiap masa lapang dipenuhi dengan activiti2 ber"manfaat". Why do I put in inverted commas? Cos I've been questioning myself lately, why do I do the things I do? And more often than not, the answer I get is not one which I want. Susah la. Cammaner ni?

I was google searching... And came across Faizal's old post:

- its never easy to reconcile two parties, but theres a reason why they approached you
- with great power comes even greater responsibility
- self-reflection is VERY important. you might never know where u faltered, until you rethink and rethink of what happened.
- never lose faith, because your sisters and brothers will always be there to push you up and higher
- love, and be loved
- always question your Niat or Intention to be on this path as a Da'i/Khalifah, and seek the meaning in prayers
- when our hearts are aligned to God, then untiy will arise, and the beauty of doing God's mighty works on this earth will prove as beauty in everything else in life.

I dunno... Partly I think because kebelakangan ni asyik kena tegur until I dunno apa yang betul apa yang tak dan apa yang hak dan apa yang batil. Diberi akal untuk berfikir, tapi rasa ilmu ni cetek sangat nak mempertegaknya what I feel is right.

It's like there's this inner conflict within myself and I dunno how to solve it. Itu mungkin kenapa rasa tiada ketenangan langsung di dalam hati! Yang mampu dilakukan ialah untuk berdoa kepadaNya supaya diberi petunjuk...

Also, there are a few things which I encounter that makes me... envious and jealous. How I wish... I can't disclose further. This blog is afterall open to public. Twice I wanted to get all these feelings out but both times macam lupa gitu. Mungkin memang it's not meant to be shared. Tak tau lah...

Tereasa diri ni tak tau ape2. Terasa begitu bodoh dan jahil sekali. Walaupun terus-menerus diisi dengan ilmu...

Tak tau lah. Kenape la rasa sebegini... What have I done lately which I shouldn't do? I've reflected a bit and hadn't found anything that could contribute to this. Need to reflect deeper I guess.

Macam terasa ape eh... Terkilan... Over a few things.

Hmm...

Even while typing this, kejap2 terlintas dalam benak all the things that I'm supposed to be doing. Cammaner ni?

Sometimes I find it so hard to work in a team. As much as I know that there's only so much I can do alone, macam entah, it feels hard to get other's cooperation.

Marliyana, time exam2 cam gini, sisah la kau ber-feeling2 cam ni. Dah la...

InsyaAllah will update on cPR (wonderful job to organising comm) and sleepover. I think a pic update is due, but nanti2 eh, I'm feeling so tired...