"Harizah couldn’t imagine what kind of teacher I would be. But she mentioned I’d probably be like Prof Yan (whom the three of us like very much hehe) or Prof Tham (who teaches very well, and gives us cheese samples in class! tho we have to read alot ALOT for her class)…

Mahmudah immediately imagines me as a teacher who gets bullied by her students.

Sad story :("

This is what I wrote a few months ago.... I'm sure their perception of me has changed. Now they know how strict I can be when I want to. I wonder how my students will fare on days that I have PMS, I sure hope they'll be good angels then.

I'd been thinking alot.

Part of what I think about is the teaching profession. No doubt, I respect the teaching profession alot alot and find it a very fine and 'mulia' career path. The only thing I'm worried about is if I can be a good teacher. If I can, of course I'd continue to teach till it's time to retire. I can see the development in this profession and I would love to be part of that development process. One of the things I guess I can start developing from now is patience....

However, if I really can't be a good teacher, I'd better find something else to do after my 4-years bond. It's better that I don't torture myself and my students right... I should think that I'd love working in a lab. But I dunno. I'm partly trying to earn the affection of some of my lecturers so that I can learn more about the research work, though I guess I'm not putting so much effort.

Time is a factor. I already have commitments all around me, how could I commit to a research project while studying?! I'd go nuts! though yea, when else would it be a good time to be involved in a research project than when you're a student...

I'd been thinking of other things too...

I'm so happy to see Fityan having new members again. It feels like such a long time since we had a group of people join us. Alhamdulillah the orientation and ubin cip follow-up went well. Can't wait for the next event. I lookk at these people, and I convince myself that these are the new leaders that will lead Fityan to betterment, that will lead the youths of tomorrow towards betterment.... *excited!*

At the same time, I seem to feel so old and 'junkie' in Fityan. Hadn't been doing anything.... Really. I am grateful for their understanding on my workload and such...

I'm seeing a development process in NTUMS. I dunno. I can't decide what's best for me...

Other things that I'd beenn thinking aboout... is amanah and tanggungjawab.

For awhile, I felt like the whole world (ok that's exaggerating...) is on my shoulders... With ilmu comes responsibility. A heavy one at that... But recently I have found that maybe I am not strong enough for that amanah and tanggungjawab, and alhamdulillah, it has been transferred to others. I am currently on the receiving end, but of course, there is no such thing as 100% receipt, I as a DPI student still has a responsibility, the responsibility to share and dakwah and remind and applaud etc.

Ilmu itu bagai senjata yang boleh membahayakan diri. Ilmu boleh menjadi sebab seseorang itu masuk syurga, namun ia juga boleh menjadi sebab seseorang itu masuk neraka, nauzubillah min dzalik.

As I think about the things that have been happening around me, the more I think about what do they mean and where my role lies. I'd been plunged into NIE for one. And I begin to be more and more interested in the community, especially the youths, and where are we moving towards, especially through Kak Shahidah, TMSN, Fityan, Andalus etc. There's so many people who're concerned in this 'transformation' or 'development' of the youths in this generation to ensure that the next generation will be in a state better than how we are now. It's all interesting to hear and know. I'm helping here and there, contributing little energy where I can, yet I can't see where am I in the bigger picture. It'll take time. Maybe, my role is just to be aware and spread the awareness *shrugs*

Ok, my head hurts from thinking, cos I have alot of schoolwork to think about and I should really go to sleep... and I haven't done much progress in those schoolwork... Quite a number of things to start doing/finish this week. Chem report due on Thursday. ALS e-learning due end of the week. Main Group Chem test coming up soon. ICT group assignment due in slightly more than just a week. ALS resarch paper too (not to add madrasah metodologi proposal paper). Bio report due next Friday. What else? Can I not sleep for 3 days and get all of these done??? I wonder, hmm....

But yeah, my head really hurts right now from looking at the screen within a short distance for a very long time. Time to sleep!