What in the world am I doing awake at this hour? Good question.

The initial plan was to do TE (I seriously gotta start on it SOON you know... but no I've still yet to start) but then had a long chat with Shikin and then I couldn't get online for some reason, and so I ended up playing game. For FOUR hours. Waste electricity betol lah.

A while ago (ok about an hour ago) Kak Mastura smsed me and yea that set me thinking. (Cos I'm too tired of having tears flow already la - ade bagus jugak ah) And Shikin's conversation with me earlier came back to mind too...

Where is the passion?? Where's the drive, the motivation, the keikhlasan? And the power of teamwork?

And it leads to... me as a leader. Aww man... Yadda yadda yadda, I know I'm a lousy leader, was, still is and hopefully will not still be. Yup, I admit I am indecisive. Period. As I've mentioned in earlier post: I hate to think about having people come up to me and say: "I told you so."

Being indecisive makes you lose your stand in everything. The thing about me is, I go with the majority (so if someone salahkan me, I can turn around and salahkan the majority mwahaha nah) because to me, anything is possible! So if what I do can make the majority of people happy, why not.

Hmmz... I realise, these days I'd been very defensive. Because people are getting the wrong ideas from whatever I say/do. And because I'm TRYING to provide a stand for myself.

Sometimes it feels as if it's me against the world. Kerdil nye rasa diri ini... It's a reflex action to be defensive when you feel that everyone is pointing a finger at you. Brr... It.is.so.intimidating.

La la la, I dunno what to do now. AGAIN. Oh gosh.

I wonder... Has anyone tried putting themselves in my shoes? I wonder how they feel. Cause I dunno if what i'm feeling now is just overreaction or is it fitrah manusia akan merasa sebegini.

Let's just say... No matter how indesicive I can be, or how close I am to giving up, I will keep on persevering, at my expense if need be. Never say die. Until you really die...

A lot of lessons to learn. It has been such a roller-coaster ride in a haunted house.

I hope through all these, I will become stronger. Afterall, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

O Allah, I plead with you to grant me strength to face the life tests you've set for me. Please make every hardship I feel and every tear that falls bring me closer to You. Only You know exactly how I feel, You are the Most Knowledgeable O Allah. And You are the Most Forgiving and the Most Fair.

I'm reminded of Ayat-ayat Cinta movie (book tells a different version) whereby the old man in the jail tells Fahri that perhaps the reason he ends up in jail is as a lesson to him to teach him not to be proud of his achievements.

Perhaps...

Susungguhnya semua yang kita miliki adalah nikmat daripada Allah yang dipinjamkan pada kita manusia. Pada bila-bila masa sahaja, nikmat itu boleh diambil kembali...

Sebagai peringatan buat diri ini...

If I seem quieter than usual these days, leave me be. I don't need/want comfort. I just want some support, in case I fall...