I hate it when people start labelling you after you did a mistake.

It happened before. I made a mistake for 'O' levels and dang! I cried for days for it! And after that mistake, I guess people lost hope on me and don't think I can make it. No use crying over a spilt milk. Read about it in a post I wrote in Feb 2006... link

Lucky then I ended up in poly. NOBODY in Biotech knew me and so I could start afresh. So what if my L1R5 was 21 and I can't go JC. I proved it that I can do well in poly. My GPA for sem 1 was 3.86. Wow? People still didn't trust me. "Well... Yea this is only one. Just wait and see as time goes by. Your results will drop again."

Shucks, it did drop. My GPA for sem 2 was 3.68. BUT, I still made it into DHL. Then I made another mistake. I got too busy with other activities and my GPA dropped to what it is now: 3.39.

Yet, when I told my friends my L1R5, they were surprised I couldn't go JC. Impossible for someone with my L1R5 to get that kind of GPA? Think again. On the other hand, (as I have blogged earlier in a post), there are people who believed my GPA would continue dropping and I won't get into uni.

Sadly, these are people close to me. And it is hard to shut out their words. It is hard NOT to believe. Link

Now a similar thing happening. Ironically, they told me, "Don't let history repeat itself." Oh God! The 'history' is the ABchm presentation. Yes I admit it was a disaster. Yes I made lots of mistake in there. Yes we might get low marks because of me. Yes yes yes... BUT, that group project was a group thing. Don't you put all the blame on me alright. So what if I'm the leader? You appointed me. I may be the leader but all of us have the same responsibility to find teacher to clear doubts. Dang it man! I'm upside down with frustration right now! Astaghfirullah...

Now I'm in the same group with them for MBio and MCT and the way I'm treated now is as if I'm not trusted anymore, as if whatever info I give is wrong and have to be double-confirmed. Don't think I don't care a damn about my results. Hell, I do! I want that A as much as you do. Help me alright. Let us all help each other. Don't just shoot me.

I was super motivated to do my work this evening. But now, it's like... God, what's the point?

I wanna read the book "La tahzan". I believe in Allah. I believe He'll come to our aid when we're in need. But I need reassurance and a reminder. A soft reminder that re-builds the spark in me. And more soft reminders that will feed the flame and keep it burning. Just soft enough for the flame to keep alight yet don't consume me up.

I realise I should be grateful for 1001 things or more and not keep complaining. I'd been complaining for weeks! But this is what is going through my mind and I need them out of my system. Before I scream and break down.

So far the song 'Ku Berlari' link kept me going. Kept me running. Shut out all the negative thoughts and focus on the positive possibilities. To friends who have been giving me encouragement and motivation, thank you thank you thank you.

O Allah, once again I ask for strength to face all the trials and tribulations of life. Show me the hikmah of it all. Amin...