Raging hormones... That must be the only reason for the suden breakout of whiteheads, blackheads, acnes and cysts on my face! They're so irritating! Especially when they burst... I've got two small plasters on my face to stop blood and pus from dirtying eveything my face touches, eww... It's so uncomfortable! I've been wearing one of the plasters for 3 days already and it still hasn't healed properly! Not to worry, I change the plasters twice to thrice a day for hygiene purposes...

Haiz... This is a redundant post!

I'm feeling better about going to Poly now. I'd checked out what the courses I'd chosen would be like and where can I go with the diploma I'd get (hopefully). I think I'm quite satisfied with my choices:

1) Biomed Sci at TP
2) Biotech at TP
3) Biomed info & engine at TP
4) Biomed at SP
5) Bioelectronics at SP
6) Bioengine at SP
and so on...

I'm just quite worried about the Poly fees. It's like S$2000+ per year! How is my dad gonna earn so much?? $2000x3=$6000!!! Haiz... That is one reason why I'd like to go JC. It's not as expensive!

I feel so lonely. I can't really discuss anything with my parents! Especially my mum... Everything I say, there's always a rebuttal... Read the following:


I just finished talking to Siti on the phone...
My mum: Who was that?
Me: Siti.
My mum: What did she want?
Me: Ask if I'd like to join Alia and a few others to go out. (I didn't mention they asked me to join them to play pool. My mum would've screamed!)
My mum: Why would they ask you? They're not of the same level as them anymore!
Me: They're still my friends right?! Why can't I go out with them?
My mum: You always go out with them. Go study. But look at what they get and look at what YOU get?

Continued this morning, when I thought I could have a nice chat with her...
Me: Hmm... I'd be needing a few more casual clothes for Poly...
My mum: This is one reason why Poly is a bad choice. At least if you go Poly, you'd just be needing your uniform.
Me: Will you get over it that I'm not able to go JC? I can accept it already, so why can't you?
My mum: You didn't work hard.
Me: But sometimes it doesn't work that way. Look at cousin. She skips school, she doesn't study, she doesn't do homework yet she did better than her friends who studied. She didn't put in effort...
My mum: She was just lucky. It's not that you didn't put in effort, you just didn't put in enough effort. (Did she mean it's better if I didn't put in any effort would have been better? Lol.) You're always overconfident.
Me: What overconfident?! Look at how I changed the marks on my study goals sheet after I took my O levels! I know I won't get good marks in combined humanities. I'm just not good at it. I was just hoping that I'd get some distinctions! (I oso dunno what I'm talking about...)
After some time...
My mum: Have you finished choosing which choices you wanna take?
Me: Yeah.
My mum: Don't wait until last minute then wanna apply.
Me: I know, I'd been working on it. Yesterday I was online 'cos I checked out the course online.
My mum: You keep saying you know. That is what you always say last year when I advice you.
Me: But I really worked out the courses I wanna take already! I just need to show it to dad before applying 'coz he said he wanna see it first!
My mum: Whatever courses you take, don't say I force you to take okay? You made the choices yourself. Don't say you take a course because I want you to, like you said I wanted you to go JC the other day.
Me: It's not that I accuse you of forcing me to go JC but it's just the way you talk to me about not getting to JC that as if you badly want me to go JC!
My mum: But you did want to go JC badly. All that talk about wanting to follow your brother's footsteps to go JC and wanting to beat your brother?
Me: Yes, I said that. But now that I can't get into a JC, what am I supposed to do?! Will you just accept the truth?
My mum: Maybe there's something good behind you going to Poly...
Me: Now you realise...
Then, sometime later...
My mum: When are you going out with Alia and the rest?
Me: It was supposed to be on Sunday, but I have religious class.
My mum: You shouldn't hang out with them anymore.
Me: But why? They're still my friends.
My mum: Why should you? They go out to celebrate. They have something to celebrate about...
Me: So what? Are they supposed to stop contacting me altogether? At least my friends are those of good influence.

It is true right? Would she rather I hang out with people who DON'T STUDY and end up doing much much worse?! I did improve for O levels... What does she expect me to do? Change into a hermit crab and live a life separated from others? From my friends who STUDY and in a way motivated me to study? This is ridiculous. I feel guilty writing these stuff, but I'm just really angry. Just because I didn't do as well as my friends, I must not hang out with them anymore?? Is that it?

To my friends, who by any chance is reading this, I hope you'd understand if I can't join you guys for some activities in the future okay?

Argh!!! I thought after writing this out I'd feel better. I'm feeling much worse instead! I need to sit down and talk to my mum. But will she listen?? Just look at how the conversation above went. My mum needs to accept the truth. My mum needs to accept that I'm now going to Poly. Coz if she can't accept it, I won't be able to accept it readily too.

I feel so broken. I feel lost in a large garden which is about to eat me up. Anyway, below is an excerpt I took from a Malay novel by Mohd. Zan Mat Ali. I think it correctly describes what I'm feeling right now...

"Tidak dapat dinafikan, biar siapapun orangnya, jika pertama kali ia menjejakkan kakinya ke satu tempat yang sebelum ini belum pernah dilawati, ke satu daerah yang sama sekali asing bagi dirinya, maka walaupun sedikit, tidak dapat tidak hati kecilnya tentunya tetap akan berdebar, bergelora. Perasaan bimbang, takut, khuatir, gusar, malah cemas pun juga tentunya bercampur baur. Walau betapa kuat sekalipun hati cuba memujuk agar diri sentiasa tenang, namun segala perassan yang buruk itu pastinya mahu berkocak bergolak juga! Memang hal itu hampir menjadi lumrah bagi setiap insan yang dinamakan manusia. Pertama kali terdampar di tempat orang, keberanian tentunya masih berat untuk menampilkan diri."

Translation (to the best I can): It's undeniable, whoever the person is, if for the first time he steps into a place that before this hadn't he visited, to a place that is totally foreign to him, so even a little, the heart would surely beat hard in nervousness. Worry, fear, uncertainty, unsure, nervousness, even panic too would surely be mixed together. No matter how hard the heart tries to comfort so the self remains calm, nevertheless all the bad feelings would surely want to be in the heart still. Surely this is normal for every person named human being. The first time you're left in someone else's territory, courage surely refuses to surface.

So... I ask Allah for the strength and courage to face what I'd be facing in the time to come 'coz I dunno what and who I'd be faced with.

I've managed to wake up from my unconciousness after the fall (read my previous post, I'm not gonna elaborate), but I still have a long way to go. I need to sit up, I need to stand, I need to learn how to walk again before I can run. It's gonna take time... But I will run one day, insyallah!

I had to relive my nightmare at my 2nd uncle's house this afternoon, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. It was more like a bad dream than a nightmare and I'm on the verge of waking up. I just need someone to shake me up a bit before I can really be aware of my surroundings.

I reached my 2nd uncle's house at the same time as my 1st uncle. It's normal that my 1st aunt asks about our education and so, when we saw her, my mum said, "Be prepared." I took a deep breath, put on my best smile and tried to put away my 'shame'. But then I thought, "Shame? What shame?!"

I definitely did better for O levels than prelims for most subjects, and for the other subjects, I did just as well. Only when I compare to my Sec 3 results can I see that my Chemistry had dropped from A1 to B3 and HML from A2 to B3. But then again, I used to fail E-Maths, A-Maths, Physics, Biology and Combined Humanities. For the past two years, I'd been failing at least two of them for each exam I take, and I actually achieved B3 for all, except Combined Humanities, for O levels!

Of course I'm still disappointed. I think I'm at least in 10th position from the back at tms for 4 Express, seriously! Even a few 5 Normal students get to enter JC! I'm not human if I'm not disappointed... And don't try to stop me from feeling disppointed, it'd just become worse. I feel guilty too. I didn't try my best. This isn't my best! Disappointed and guilty as I am, I shall work hard in whichever course I take in Poly and hopefully, I would shine there. I shall learn and I shall adapt. This is all part of the trials and tribulations of life, including my very own life. I guess this small setback is necessary. I need it. Maybe someday I would be grateful for it. Who knows? I just hope I have the same determination as my brother who spent two years more in university than normal to graduate with a bachelor's degree in civil and structural engineering.

Yikes! It's so late already. I still need to read some stuff for tomorrow! I just need to add something: My condolences to a friend whom I just learned had lost her beloved mother a few days ago, a few days before the O level results were out. Allah loves your mother more. Be strong ok... If you need someone to talk to, I can lend a listening ear even if I can't say much to console you. May your mother's soul rest in peace...

I felt that what happened was the worst thing that could ever happen to a person that I cried till I look like a monster with a pair of bloody red eyes in a pale face, but now I realise, there's always someone who is facing something harder than me. I mean, what's doing not so well in one exam, no matter how major it is, compared to losing someone you love dearly forever and ever?

Disappointment. Regret. Shame. Defeat. Failure.

The above are what best describe my feelings right now. My results were so much below expectation. Maybe, my expectation was too high... Too high that when I fell, I can hear the thud when I hit the ground. It is loud. Very loud. Too loud for my liking.

I would have liked to go JC. It has been my dream to go JC ever since I was born, when my eldest brother got into Temasek JC. He'd always been my idol in terms of education. When my brother graduated from NTU, I told myself, I'd be just like him in 5 years time, though maybe from a different university. But, I fell behind him. For PSLE, I was behind him by 1 point and I told myself I'd beat him for O levels. And when I received my O level results this afternoon, I know I'm way behind my brother. He scored 10 points better than me! It's not only a matter of not managing to beat my brother, I've also let down so many people who'd hoped I get into a JC. And now... I've said goodbye to JC and am saying hello to Poly of which I'm rather clueless about.

I could have worked harder. I could have done better. But what's done can't be undone. What could go wrong had gone wrong. What I can do now is to accept what I get and work out the best solution from it. Afterall success is not a destination, but a journey. What William posted on his blog is true: "Accept what is already decided for it reflects your limitations and to accept limitations is human." And no doubt I am a human, a weak human on the face of this wide earth. I can say what happened had been fated, though the fate could have been different if I hadn't slacked the past months before the O levels exam. Oh well, it's no use crying over a spilt milk, even if that's what I did the moment I stepped into the tension-filled hall and the moment I heard Mr Tan said that I could try for MI. The same phrase he used when I took my prelim results. The same! How could it be the same?! I wonder now and I shall keep wondering till I can accept my results. And until I accept my results, I have to take out all the Poly booklets I have and figure out which course at which Poly would best suit me. I hope I can get into a good course that I would enjoy at a convenient Poly.

Disappointment is... hard to bear... I hope it doesn't happen to those of you out there.