Dah masuk 2008 dah... And there's so many unfinished business of 2007. How?

Anyway, I just got to know that eventhough different statesd of a country is supposed to have different timezones, they takee one as the standard time to make things easier for everyone. So, it doesn't really follow the geographical position. Did you know that? Haha.

There's an issue I'd like to write about. Not world issue or national issue or what lah. A personal issue I have: envy/jealousy. Nak tambah? Hasad dengki.

Bukannye ape... Let's take a simple scenario. I got wonderful results for my madrasah and since that's my last year in secondary madrasah, my parents told me we'd go celebrate. Woo hoo! And after a few mins, I'd decided: I want banana split at Swensen. I can't even remember when was the last time I stepped into Swensen.

But I was busy the next few days, and could only make it one fine day last week. The thing was, my mum said before we go Swensen, we have to go to M1 shop first to buy a new hp for my 2nd bro with the voucher he got. AND, she plans to bring to to Swensen. Muka dah masam tau. In my heart, "I was asking why must he come along?? He hadn't done anything that deserves a reward recently (a reward as referred to in Psycho that encourages good behaviour or discourages bad behaviour)." It was that bad.

I had no choice right, so he came along. The thing was he had to leave for work SOON, and my mum was rushing me, just as I thought of taking my own sweet time, enjoying my reward. Pissed off I tell you. That's not he worse I tell you.

My mum didn't want to order another ice-cream or a drink for that matter, and I know why: It's expensive. Like duh. I suggested that she just share with my bro and I lar. In my heart, I was saying that if my mum hadn't asked him along, she wouldn't have to spend more than $10. When I saw the menu, I didn't order a banana split as I was thinking, what for, since it has strawberry ice-cream and banana which I don't exactly like. And so I ordered a Ring-a-ding-a-ling or whatever as it sounds delicious. It so happened that this desert is just a small cup with scoops of ice-cream in it and a small triangle of waffle on top. I thought, ok ar, order oredi mah, what could I do right. But my mum was saying how I should have ordered a banana split, how it's so small that it's impossible to share and how bitter the hoc ice-cream was. I hate that ok. Don't regret what has been done. No use crying over a spilt milk. Just clear up the spill and pretend everything is perfectly alright ok.

And on my bro's part, he was saying how we could get ice-cream just like what we were eating at another shop at a much lower price bla bla bla. That was it. I just lost it and tears started to well up in my eyes. In my heart, I was saying, "Ya, you can go eat at that shop, this treat is meant for ME and mama is supposed to be treating ME not YOU." I just burst out saying that it's no point going to Swensen to 'celebrate' if all they would do is complain and compare and such and that I want Swensen and it can't be anything but Swensen because I want it and it's meant to be a treat for ME.

Sulked the rest of the way I tell you. Poked my ice cream hard and chuck it my my mouth, not savouring the taste at all. The only thing that I could taste in my mouth was dengki. No good... No good at all.

After my bro went off, my mum made up to me by wanting to buy me things from Aries. Initially I refused. Come on lah, the things she was showing me were accessories that I won't wear. That's one thing, another was that I somehow know she is trying to make up for what happened earlier. And simply I don't wanna waste anymore of her money. I know Swensen is expensive and I wished things had gone better and the whole treat more worthwhile and meaningful. Seriously, the whole purpose of the treat was lost just like that. No meaning. It's just a waste of money.

That was until I laid my eyes on a green butterfly brooch. I can't push away a present like that. It was so beautiful! And more importantly, it represents the meaning that was lost during the Swensen treat: a reward for my good madrasah results. Hey, I haven't received a reward for good results in a loooooooooong time ok. Read my archives if you haven't been keeping up.

But the point it, why do I feel so much jealousy, so much dengki towards this second bro of mine.

Everytime when someone asks about the number of siblings I have and finds out that I'm the youngest and they exclaim, "Mesti manja (sure pampered)!" I'd always deny, not because I was tring to act 'modest' or whatever you call it, but because I mean it.

I always feel that my mum prioritises my second bro over me, like when she'd cook two sets of mee, one with onion and one without just so my bro can eat. I'd feel so jealous. She didn't bother to cook another set without tauge for me, or at the very least don't put any tauge at all in the set she cook for the rest of the family. And I'd make my jealousy known, by throwing tantrums and mumbling under my breath and all. I know it's so pathetic of me but I can't help it! And yes, my mum knows it already, even without those tantrums.

Entahlah, I have no idea how to clear my heart of these bad feelings. That's why I blog about it...