Ouch, I just had a leg cramp cos I accidentally twisted it. Haha, and I dunno how it happened.

Anyway, been feeling down lately (almost to the point of depression I suppose ish), been crying a lot... Even something soooooooooooo small and pointless (when I think back about it) could trigger tears to fill my eyes. School, Family, Friends all.

Right now I'm taking one step at a time. Don't bother to keep my tears in. Whenever I feel like crying, I'll pour it out of my eyes. But, I just can't make myself pour out my problems to someone else. In front of others, I'd still keep my cheerful bubbly smiley self. Behind, only Allah knows. Only Allah will hear the contents of my heart. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mendengar dan Allah itu Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang. Afterall, HE is the one who is Maha Berkuasa. If I have a problem, only He can help me.

I'd been reading some texts lately. Sungguh mulia akhlak Nabi s.a.w. I don't need to explain further. If you need someone as an example, he is the best example. And how I wish to emulate Rabi'ah Al-Adawiyah, such a committed muslimah! So strong in her principles. Like WOW.

Anyway, something to remind me.. Alhamdulillah, segala puji bagi Allah.

Alhamdulillah
I have parents
I was born a Muslim and currently proud to be a practising Muslim and not just a Mulim by name
My parents provide me education (and I feel this is important) both duniawi and ukhrawi
My parents provide me shelter, clothing, food and all other basic necessities
In fact, my parents even provide certain luxuries for me: computer, MP3 etc
I have friends
Those who care
I have (Muslim) brothers and sisters whom I wasn't born with
Those who always remind me of Allah
Those who always motivate me to make myself closer to Allah
I get pretty good grades in school
At least, I'm able to grasp what is being taught
I am physically complete, no missing toes or fingers or whatever
I have 5 working sense organs
That let me know of the Greatness of the Al-Mighty
I am living in Singapore
Where peace and prosperity prevails
Where I am allowed to practice my religion openly, more of less
I am given the opportunity to do so many things
I am healthy enough to grab these oportunities
and the list goes on, no doubt, just that I'm pretty sleepy now so can't think much.

I urge my fellow readers to count your blessings too. You'll be surprised how blessed you are compared to many others. Don't forget to praise Allah cos all praises are only to Him. (Just read an email I received from Zee comparing us to Africans. Really, be grateful of all that you have)

I realise that of late I only fill my time with ilmu, with knowledge. I go to school on weekdays with the aim of obtaining a diploma in biotechnology. I attend usrah session with my fellow NI/NYPMSN sisters on Friday fortnights. I attend Kelas Peningkatan Remaja (KPR) at Ghufran on Saturday nights 3 times a month. I go to Andalus for Diploma Pengajian Islam (DPI) every Sunday afternoon. Even during my CCA, there are lessons to be learnt-drama skills that can be applied to life sometimes.

I'm always hungry for knowledge and anyone who comes between me and knowledge really irritates me. Yet, sometimes I need a break.
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Random: Currently in search of my identity, my true identity.

Just something I'd like to add... Words that I can't forget, that may make my day or simply make me smile...

Ustazah Ainiyah: "Bagus muda2 dah solat. Semoga ia berterusan" eventhough it's yesterday, I can't remember much what she said (ish, takble jadi perawi hadith haha)

Kak Maryam: "I prefer seeing you during NI events. In school, you always look so stressed out. During events, you're always smiling." on bus ride home after NiTREK

Liyana (Fityan): "aku suker dok sblah kau sbb kau kasi aku inspiration la. and and and, kau tell me things aku tk tau. tu yg best la kan." on my tagboard after KPR

Ad: "Dear Marliyana sahabatku... I'm very delighted that we were fated to be in the same class AF14. My heart had already told me that I will kenal that girl in Beenox one day and TaDaa! I met you! Hey... Do you know that you've been a great friend to me. Ah! Like sisters..heehee...Eventhough we both have different interests, we've proven that it doesn't matter. Oh dear, I really appreciate your presence." on the box containing my birthday present for last year

Ad: "OoOoOoOoOoOo.. Whahaha! Sowie.. Okie dokie.. Got it! Tnk! Cya tmr darlz!" sms message one fine day I can't remember when

Sylvia: my 15th birthday.. Sylvia's words always make me smile. That's why I will always open her letters as soon as I can!

Ella: "Perhaps in poly you will shine" after O level posting, I can't remember her exact words but really her words motivate me so much!

Bro Mohksin: "perjuangan ni tak mudah.kdg2 kita jatoh tp yg penting kita bgn semula dan terus lawan.jgn putus asa ya!Allah tak janjikn perjalanan yg mudah tp Allah janjikn perjalan penuh dgn hikmah=) ur brothers n sisters @ fityan will always b there 2 support u!" friendster comment after KRC4, lamerrrrr tu, but I remember it, me-motivating kan alright

and some others that either I can't exactly recall now or it's pretty private. I like reading my friendster testimonials. They really put a smile on my face in times of gloominess.

On the other hand, there's another set of words that I can't forget either, and these are the ones that make me cry. Terngiang-ngiang dalam kepala. To keep it pretty much confidential, I wouldn't write who said them.

1: "Sia2 je kau pergi madrasah!" I always get this

2: "Nanti kalau aku kena sakit jantung lepastu mati, korang semua tepuk tangan lah kan?!" quite recently, wait I mean VERY recently

3: "I considered you my best friend...." a loooooooong time ago

4: "I'm disappointed in you. I know you can do better." I get variations of this

Just thinking of them make me my eyes well with tears again. And no amount of sweet words can erase them. Sometimes sleep works. Sometimes no.

I'm someone who will remember bad events. A fight with someone will leave me feeling sooooooo bad till I sleep. Sometimes even when I wake up, I'd still remember them and just feel so sad even if there are no more tears.

My defense mechanism? To talk to myself (to Allah) and to cry it out and then sleep.

Okok, enough of this. Let me continue my work. There's nothing I can achieve by doing this, but there is SOMETHING that I can achieve by doing my schoolwork ok. Toodles for now. Keep smiling and pass it on...

P.S. A lot of my friendster testi say I'm a quiet girl haha. Sometimes I wish to go back to being the quiet me, but I can be pretty loud these days... Miss those innocent days... I've changed, sadly. Sry to all who've been affected by the new me.