I keep telling myself, Allah knows best, Allah knows best...

I'd applied for both NUS and NTU. I'd applied for as many as 7 (or more) temporary jobs. And I actually have about another 7 permanent jobs in my bookmarked links in case I don't get into uni.

At this stage, somehow I'm not worried whether I get into uni or not. I wouldn't cry and bawl and feel depressed for days like when I found out I couldn't go JC. It still makes me feel so disappointed each time my bro/dad/mum gives me the looks or says something that indicate they feel I won't get into uni. But hey, I have matured and I am now really convinced that whatever happens has its reasons, and is probably the best for me. Nothing is more valuable than what life can teach you.

Yes, it truly taught me alot. Going to TP was probably the best thing that happened to me.

One problem. A teeny weeny one. I'm still unclear about where I'm going. I'd been thinking since that Mendaki mock interview (it was one fine saturday morning before the MKS youth visited Ghufran, can't remember the date...) and I've yet to find a definite answer. I have no idea what do I want to be!! I simply can't decide. Or rather, refuse to decide...

This is one of the reasons why I'm so scared of interviews. I'd be stumped once the "So, where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years time?". Answer is, I absolutely don't know!

Ok, I admit I'm so afraid of getting disappointed. Like what's the point of saying I want to be a doctor when fact is I can never enter Med School (or if I do, I'd be old that it'd be time for me to be taking care of my kids instead of patients y'know) or saying I want to be a teacher when fact is I believe from the bottom of my heart that I can never teach. I'm not sure why either but, yea that's what I believe. And that's why even after getting 'license' to take on relief teaching TWICE, I've still yet to approach any schools and pen down my name in the waiting list...

Is it wrong to just go with the flow?

I can't even decide if I SHOULD decide on something I wanna be.

When you ask me, "So name me a few of your strengths.." My answer is I don't know!

Or "So, what have you done in ______?" My answer is: nothing much...

And I can't lie... But if I were to go for an interview soon, I would have to cook up with something pleasing and politically correct right?

I'm just not sure what I want yet. I mean yea I can decide to do this, or I can decide to do that... And it is within my capabilities to pursue something until I get it, but... I'm not sure that is what I wanna do right now.

I don't want to be something just because I know that is what people want me to be.
I don't want to be something just because that is which I feel I should be.
I don't want to be something just because I feel that's what that'll earn me respect.
I don't want to be something just because it will get me the bucks and that's it.

Y'know... I wanna do something I truly believe in, truly have passion in, truly understand and truly wanna do. I want it to be something true to the heart. Not just something 'dreamy'. I guess that's why dreams are simply named as it is. It's a dream and not the truth.

Ok I'm babbling at 4 something a.m. in the morning after watching dunno how many youtube videos of friends...

I believe that Allah knows best and so, I pray that He'll guide me to the best of my potential to do something worthwhile in His service to gain His pleasure.

Some people say they'd just go and do something in the meantime before they figure out what they want to do.

But to me, that's like 'wasting' your life away... Why can't I start straight now? Why can't I sit down and FIGURE out what is it that I truly SHOULD be, so I can start working on it right away...

I think I need another getaway...