I think I shall leave a trace this morning...

Haiz, I was happy over the weekends, see ABIT of development in myself and suddenly on Sunday evening I started getting all disappointed with myself back. :( So sad, when will I ever change, urgh! What will ever cause me to change??? Is Ramadhan not a strong enough reason??? Is death of a close one not a strong enough reason???

This Ramadhan Ust Jamal shared with us a few opportunities that we MUST NOT fail to seize, and they are:
1. The opportunity to seek taubatan nasuha (based on the hadith that Rasulullah saw mengaminkan doa Jibril, penghulu sekian malaikat, di mimbar)
2. The opportunity to be closer to the Al-Qur'an Al-Karim (syahru Ramadhan syahru Qur'an!)
3. The opportunity to manage time better
4. The opportunity to increase in good deeds
because failing to seize these opportunities amounts to getting the displeasure (wai in Arabic or celakalah in Malay) of Allah...

Sounds harsh huh, perhaps it is, but Ust Jamal was sharing this with a bunch of leaders, a bunch of pejuang agama, a bunch of da'ie ila Allah insyaAllah. Who are we to say we are leaders/pejuang agama/da'ie if we are so full of sins at the end of this month, or our hearts are not tied down with His words, or our time management is haphazard, or our deeds are just minimal?

Today marks the 12th of Ramadhan... 8 more days before we reach the last 10 days, 18 days till we meet the end of such a blessed month.

Andai ini merupakan Ramadhan terakhirku...

Anyway, my grandaunt passed away yesterday morning. Not really that close to her, only see her once a year or so. She's been sick for the past 18 years? For as long as I can remember, I only see her on a walking stick, half paralysed, walking very very slowly with the help of the maid. And for just as long as I can remember, each time we meet she would look at my face into my eyes for a long time, and when I salam her she would hold me close and each time she would leave me with some advice. Just as my other grandaunt, I remember them for their advices. Eventhough I can hardly remember what the exact advices are, common ones: study hard, don't go around looking for relationships, take good care of yourselves; I value them...

Yesterday I saw my grandaunt's face, so pale, so serene, so still. My granduncle was the first to tabur pacai (err...?) around her head, and looking at them, I just feel so sebak. I feel for him. He's been taking good care of her and now she goes, to return to Allah... I see my aunts and uncles and cousins continue to tabur pacai and I feel for them. What if it's my own mother there? Or my own grandmother? How it feels to see their pale face one last time and never to see it again afterwards except in pictures, videos and memory... Never able to talk to them again... Never to kiss them again... Never to see their smile again...

People leave us... No matter how close we are, how much we love and care for them, one day they WILL no doubt leave us... (Or we leave them first we don't know either) It's about how much we treasure having them around, being able to talk to them and seeing them smile... And it's about remembering that nothing, absolutely NOTHING is kekal in this world. There is only ONE who is kekal. And it's about remembering what are we here on this earth for again... All of us have a predetermined limited time given to us, all of us WILL go someday. The question is, what will be our state that we leave the world in, and will our deeds be enough when it's time to go?