On June 30th, it was my mum's 55th birthday. I had asked her out. I had planned to make her happy all day. Unfortunately, I came home late the day before and so I was really tired in the morning and slept back after Subuh prayers. At 11 plus, my mum appeared at my doorway scolding, why wasn't I awake yet and why didn't I answer the phone?? I only gave her a smile, as that's the best I could afford. In my heart, I was scolding myself too, "You wanted to make her happy!!"

I quickly jumped out of my bed to get ready to go out. On the table, I saw a cake. My mum bought it for herself. I was angry that I wasn't the one buying it for her. The night before, near midnight, I just came back, and I gave her a simple birthday present, a big box of Toblerone chocolate (along with memories of my childhood with her, though it wasn't written, neither was it spoken).

My mum said that she had been waiting at a doughnut shop all morning. She wanted to give them out to her friends. But since the doughnut took so long, she decided to buy a cake instead. It was a really pretty and yummy cake.

I wanted my mum to cut the cake infront of her friends, to make it look like a birthday party, to make her happy, but she said it herself, it would take too much time. Plus we'd want to leave some cake at home.

So it was a small party. Just my brother and I with our mum. We took pictures. We sang the birthday song and she cut the cake.

Fastforward...

We went to Metro at Paragon. She'd been wanting to find white shoes. And I wanted to make her happy. So we shopped. And then we went to look for my dad's birthday present skali. And we had lunch, my treat. It was great to see her happy.

We went to Asar at Al-Falah. This is epic.

I couldn't help it. All I wanted is to make her happy, that day, everyday. But sometimes it's just hard. That Asar, it suddenly struck me. My mum has turned 55. That's not young. Not at all. What if, that day was the last day for me to make her happy? What if, those pictures we took were the last pictures I'd have of us together? What if, that smile I gave her was the last smile I'd ever give her?

When I parted with her, she went to meet my grandma while I was going to school for IS, I just felt... I dunno...

Indeed I am scared of losing my mum. I felt it before. She went for hajj when I was in primary 4, and I cried and cried. I never want to feel that again, but I probably would. Unless, of course, if I were to go first...

I hope I'm enough of an anak solehah to have a place for her (and my dad) in jannah. She deserves it. For everything that she has done, that she has sacrificed...