I didn't wanna say it out loud but it is a fact that keeps running through my mind. I could possibly fail that Organic Chem paper today and have to retake the module next year. :( That was how bad it was. Not really because the paper was hard, I didn't know, I can't tell, but it's because I didn't finish studying. The only marks that I am confident I'd get is 22/100, no kidding...

So, I'm feeling rather demoralised and down right now. Why must they put Organic Chem and Cell Structure & Function on the same day??? Everyone else felt relieved once the paper was over, because after today, there's only one more paper left for most of us. I on the other hand, feel such a big boulder in the middle of my chest that truly fears the outcome.

I finished the paper, with my own made-up reactions, reactants, reagents, conditions and products. The only thing that I can hope for is nothing less than a miracle.

I wouldn't feel so bad if Organic Chem isn't a subject that I'd taken before (and scored for) in poly, or if I had been struggling with it from the start, or it was a really really tough paper (since there'd be moderation)... The thing is, I know that deep down in my heart that I hadn't put in enough effort in this. So disappointed in myself...

Last paper on Wednesday. I don't know how it'll be like. It's another heavy module. So many topics to cover in whatever is left of the time from now to the start of exam. I'd had late-nights the past few days, not exactly feeling in the pink of health right now, and I still need to push on a bit more. No matter how demoralised I feel, let not that affect the last paper. I should end this semester on a high note...

I'm tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I can't even seem to get tears, feeling too numb already...

Ya Allah, betapa tak tenteramnya hati ni. First paper in a few hours. Nak katakan, I have finished going through my notes and have tried some past year questions, but... sunguh gelisah sangat-sangat. Takut lupa, takut tersalah concept etc...

I know, dah usaha, dah ikhtiar, dah doa, time to tawakkal. And with these few hours left, I can still put in some more usaha and doa, but it is unnerving. I think it's because I realise that the way I explain my answers when practicing the past year paper yesterday is very incoherent.

DO’A KETIKA HENDAK BERSYARAH ATAU BERBAHAS

Rabbisy rahli sadri wa yassirli amri wahlul ‘uqdatan min lisani yafqahu qauli.
“Ya Allah! Lapangkanlah dadaku, mudahkanlah pekerjaanku (urusanku) dan
lancarkanlah lidahku agar mereka faham pembicaraanku.”

Mata ni mengantuk sungguh. Semalam hampir satu jam just toss and turn toss and turn, baca doa ni doa tu tak kelap lelap jugak mata. Nervous attack dia sampai susah nak bernafas. Akhir sekali, paksa jugak tidur, basahkan lidah dengan selawat, alhamdulillah lelap jugak akhirnya selepas dah hampir jam 2 pagi. Macam nak rehat semula ni, tapi tak tenang! Nak cuba buat soalan-soalan lagi, nak asahkan lagi answering skills.

Ya Allah, tenangkanlah hati yang resah ini.

I'm currently in NTU library, apparently taking a break from revision. Finished one topic yesterday and 2 topics this afternoon for Main Group Chem, and even had a sumptious *gasps!* lunch with Mir at JP and a pathetic yet super fulfilling (plus tonnes of MSG and oil) Mcspicy + shaker fries + double choc frappe for dinner :) I seriously need to save up after exams... (Though I'd most likely be going out alot to celebrate end of exams! Argh $$$$$)

Apart from exams, my mind has started to tune in to FOC stuff back, bit by bit. *stress* I wanna retire can? Excited yar, but the prospect of having to think of programmes for the next 3 months or so, every single day, is rather daunting... games, props, games trial, faci training, mock camp etc etc.

And no doubt, I'm wondering how my holidays would be spent. No overseas trip :( Once again, I have psycho-ed myself that, "No, you have no urgent purpose in going Australia, please save up that money for other urgent use"

I'm trying to stay as independent as possible. Try not to use my parent's money anymore. I strive to pay for my own poly fees (need to pay back my dad's CPF) and for my expenses in the 2 years when I won't get any pay. Quite tough. It's so tempting to want a new phone, or get myself a netbook, or book for a flight with a friend for a short getaway. But NO. Gotta be happy with the smaller stuffs, food and more food, a movie or two, a shoe or two, new shawls, new jubahs, new books... Those small small things. Yet, I feel that I shouldn't be spending on them. Rasulullah didn't bother about those stuffs! Well, erm.. yea...

I want to get a part time job in the holidays, preferably one which is related to teaching. Mir suggested taking Mendaki classes, starting with relief. I think that's a good idea. And I can still relief Teens @live classes once in awhile :))) I'm not sure if I wanna commit weekly. It may be ok during the holidays, but quite tough once school reopens...

I want to finish ALL the books that I have yet to read at home during the holidays. It mounts up to over 20 books! Ish. They've been collecting dust :(

Ok, speaking of reading, I should really get back to reading my notes... Getting a short nap first sounds very tempting too. My neck hurts

Indah kata-kata perangsang Ustazah Sakinah:

Dari Anas r.a, dia berkata bahawa Rasulullah s.a.w pernah berdoa:

اَللَّهُمَّ لاَ سَهْلَ إِلاَّ مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلاً ، وَ أَنْتَ تَجْعَلُ الْحَزْنَ إِذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلاً

Maksudnya: “Ya Allah tidak ada kemudahan selain apa yang Engkau jadikan mudah dan Engkau dapat menjadikan perkara sulit menjadi mudah jika Engkau kehendaki” (H.R Ibn ...Hibban dan sanadnya dihukum sahih bertepatan dengan syarat Muslim dalam kitab al-Silsilah al-Sahihah, No. 2886).

Untuk adik-adik dan pelajar-pelajar saya di UKM , saya hadiahkan kata-kata berikut agar terus berusaha mencapai kejayaan:

Kadangkala hidup ini seringkali terasa pahit
lantaran kita berasa kerdil di sisi manusia-manusia hebat.
Tapi sebenarnya kita lupa bahawa kita juga manusia seperti mereka.
Kita lupa kita mampu menjadi hebat. Kerana KITA MANUSIA!

Berjuang untuk menjadi yang terbaik adalah hak kita.

Selagi mana kita tidak lupa, hidup dan mati kerana Allah, selagi itu kita manusia HEBAT!

Inginkan SEMANGAT?

Ketahuilah, Semangat itu datang dalam diri yang hatinya memburu redha Tuhan =)

Salam perjuangan untuk mu.

Moga terus teguh berteman hati yang kukuh.

SELAMAT MENGHADAPI PEPERIKSAAN

Semoga Ustazah diberikan kesembuhan yang cepat...

Cepatnya masa berlalu... I took 2-3hrs to actually start doing SOME WORK (which was VERY little) then I did my laundry, bathed, prayed, put out the laundry and here I am at 3.54am. :(

I should really go to sleep, or at least continue my research paper, but I just felt like typing something...

I sat for my Organic Chem test just now. I couldn't do so many questions, cause I didn't finish studying. I feel so disappointed in myself. I'd taken Organic Chem in poly before and if I'm not mistaken, I got an A or even a distinction! But this, I screwed up one of the 3 lab reports and the test (15%of overall) just now so I guess, there goes my 30%. How to get A!!!

I was too tired.... Yikes.

Nak kata I regretted becoming a faci for Finding Seacreo, not really. I guess I just didn't manage my time well, boo hoo... So disappointed in myself :'(((

It was another enriching experience being a faci for Finding Seacreo. This is my second time becoming a faci, and it was really different from the first one. The pax were younger than Radiate (except two), the group was mixed of which only 3 were girls, my faci partner is a guy (Faizal btw), I had TEN pax under our care, it was outdoors (about 8 hours with 2 races in it at Sentosa) and we as faci were also the game masters and safety officers. Stress I tell youuuu... I don't think I did a good job. I think I failed to carry out the amanah properly. I am glad that at least 5 of them enjoyed the camp, I guess the programmes were fun, alhamdulillah. I hope they learned at least ONE beneficial thing from the camp...

For the next two weeks, I have my Saturdays full, and I'm scared it would tire me out again. My first paper is on 21st, 8 more days only. 8 days to cover four subjects with 8-20 topics each *faints* I need to get the momentum back (the camp really broke my momentum) and be focused and disciplined with my revision. And I MUST finnish this ALS research paper by tmr night to send for draft safe assignment and peer review...

I am worried why I can't seem to get anything done at all... and time flies so so fast! I'm scared... I wanna do well this sem. I really do. I must pull up my GPA... :'(((

This made me smile, made me laugh, and even brought tears to my eyes....



There is nothing wrong with being average :)

Macam mana ni...

I just sat for Bio test just now. I have no idea how I did. I just hope I did ok...

Got back the Chem test from last week's. My second F in uni. Same lecturers. Purposely seh set it hard. Lesser Fs this year (and NO As too btw) and I'm still one of them :(

Demoralised seh. Exams in two weeks. No study break. Two more quizzes in between... Can't wait for hols.

My confidence has been crushed twice. TWO MCQ quizzes seh I didn't do well, when in fact I was confident I would be able to do well... I have another MCQ/short ans quiz tmr and I'm at the 2nd topic, and I have no motivation to continue. When I study, I keep reading and rereading to ensure I get all the facts right. And when anyone asks me anything, I don't have the confidence to give an answer and be sure that it is correct. So sad right...

It's not that I don't want to help my friends, but I'm afraid that I'm not even helping them in the first place, by giving them the wrong answer. I'm doubting myself! I used to be so sure of what I say, especially when it comes to Science. I'm the one who'd understand what is being taught in lectures and would help to explain to Ad when she doesn't understand. Now, I can't even be 100% sure that what I know/understand is right!

So sad...

Someone asked me, is uni easy?

My answer: definitely not. Anyone who says that it is easy must be a genius or must be crazy.

Uni is certainly NOT easy. It is a fact that I am struggling in NIE. I can't give up, and I never will...

I keep comparing poly and uni life, I feel so suffocated in uni. Eventhough my timetable (just lecture after lecture after lecture, except for lab once in awhile) now is less hectic than poly (lab every week, tutorial every week, projects in between, Fityan activities, Nur Ikhwan activities and whatnots), I feel so so tired. I sleep late almost every day. I seem to be running after time all the time. I am never ahead of it. I find it so hard to finish work on time. Or to produce quality work, because I'm just so so tired...

But I have to keep myself motivated. Just keep swimming. Just do and do and do. One at a time. It is very very tiring and draining. I can't seem to be doing anything else other than study, do assignment, study, do assignment...

I really miss poly life. Uni is crazy. It takes a lot to remind myself what am I doing here...

I'm glad I have helpful friends who'd motivate me, who'd help me out when I'm stuck etc. Harizah and Mahmudah may be struggling with their studies too, but they seem to be coping better than I am. They manage their time well. They seem to finish everything early. It is rather pressurizing, but I guess it's a good pressure...

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah aku memahami apa yang aku pelajari...

I guess, I need to put in more effort to berusaha and to berdoa... Perbanyakkan selawat and munajat. May Allah ease my tasks for me...

Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

I know this email is like so outdated but it just made me feel smart HAHA.