I think I shall leave a trace this morning...

Haiz, I was happy over the weekends, see ABIT of development in myself and suddenly on Sunday evening I started getting all disappointed with myself back. :( So sad, when will I ever change, urgh! What will ever cause me to change??? Is Ramadhan not a strong enough reason??? Is death of a close one not a strong enough reason???

This Ramadhan Ust Jamal shared with us a few opportunities that we MUST NOT fail to seize, and they are:
1. The opportunity to seek taubatan nasuha (based on the hadith that Rasulullah saw mengaminkan doa Jibril, penghulu sekian malaikat, di mimbar)
2. The opportunity to be closer to the Al-Qur'an Al-Karim (syahru Ramadhan syahru Qur'an!)
3. The opportunity to manage time better
4. The opportunity to increase in good deeds
because failing to seize these opportunities amounts to getting the displeasure (wai in Arabic or celakalah in Malay) of Allah...

Sounds harsh huh, perhaps it is, but Ust Jamal was sharing this with a bunch of leaders, a bunch of pejuang agama, a bunch of da'ie ila Allah insyaAllah. Who are we to say we are leaders/pejuang agama/da'ie if we are so full of sins at the end of this month, or our hearts are not tied down with His words, or our time management is haphazard, or our deeds are just minimal?

Today marks the 12th of Ramadhan... 8 more days before we reach the last 10 days, 18 days till we meet the end of such a blessed month.

Andai ini merupakan Ramadhan terakhirku...

Anyway, my grandaunt passed away yesterday morning. Not really that close to her, only see her once a year or so. She's been sick for the past 18 years? For as long as I can remember, I only see her on a walking stick, half paralysed, walking very very slowly with the help of the maid. And for just as long as I can remember, each time we meet she would look at my face into my eyes for a long time, and when I salam her she would hold me close and each time she would leave me with some advice. Just as my other grandaunt, I remember them for their advices. Eventhough I can hardly remember what the exact advices are, common ones: study hard, don't go around looking for relationships, take good care of yourselves; I value them...

Yesterday I saw my grandaunt's face, so pale, so serene, so still. My granduncle was the first to tabur pacai (err...?) around her head, and looking at them, I just feel so sebak. I feel for him. He's been taking good care of her and now she goes, to return to Allah... I see my aunts and uncles and cousins continue to tabur pacai and I feel for them. What if it's my own mother there? Or my own grandmother? How it feels to see their pale face one last time and never to see it again afterwards except in pictures, videos and memory... Never able to talk to them again... Never to kiss them again... Never to see their smile again...

People leave us... No matter how close we are, how much we love and care for them, one day they WILL no doubt leave us... (Or we leave them first we don't know either) It's about how much we treasure having them around, being able to talk to them and seeing them smile... And it's about remembering that nothing, absolutely NOTHING is kekal in this world. There is only ONE who is kekal. And it's about remembering what are we here on this earth for again... All of us have a predetermined limited time given to us, all of us WILL go someday. The question is, what will be our state that we leave the world in, and will our deeds be enough when it's time to go?

Ok I'm procrastinating....

Today, I am in the worst state of health than I have been in many months. Woke up for sahur with a sore throat and soon after, runny nose start to develop. Not to mention chunks of phlegm stuck in my throat, plus a twisted thigh (how in the world did that happen???) and also pain in the knee and on the shoulder-arm when I woke up in the late afternoon. Yes, that's right, late afternoon... I was knocked out this morning after my routine. All the way till Asar. Whilst yesterday I was knocked out soon after zikir after Subuh... SO tired. I think I have yet to adjust my timing.... And I should really work something out soon to prepare myself for when school starts. Staying awake till 2am in the morning everyday is just not the way to go...

And I just seem to have so much air in my body.... As in, in Malay terms: banyak angin uhh... Scientifically I dunno what it is though hehe

I'm excited to start Year 2. I really really hope to be more disciplined. Hope is not enough though, need more than that definitely...

Anyway, how's Ramadhan over the past few days? Well, bad to worst. I lost that spirit of Ramadhan well after the first day, argh! Noooooooo....

It's true, if you're not used to doing something before Ramadhan, don't expect to do it easily when you enter Ramadhan just because it is Ramadhan. You need to train yourself, and it should start before Ramadhan...

Well, but better to start in Ramadhan than never at all! It's hard though. Cause I'm not used to certain things, I forget that I 'want' to do them in the first place. We all need friendly reminders...

Just like lighting a fire to light up the night. You want the fire to carry on burning throughout the night to give you light and to fend off unwanted animals. It may take a few tries to get the technique right. I want to make sure that the fire I'm lighting doesn't die off in the middle of the night, I want it to last even through the whole of the next day till the next night arrives.

The thing is, there's only ONE Ramadhan compared to 11 other months! It's like experiencing summer, a short night, but a very long day...

I would love to share what I brought back from the FMSA lecture just now, but I should get back to my work. It was due yesterday... I'm blogging just to get myself typing so I can type more freely for the report. Otherwise I can't seem to get started. Inertia... Haha, been a long time since I last heard that...

I plan to spend my fourth day of Ramadhan at home completing my unfinished tasks... We'll see how it goes ;)

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, Allah has given me this wonderful opportunity to meet Ramadhan again :)

Ahlan wa sahlan ya Ramadhan! I've been longing for you :)))

Actually, I was hesitant to start this post. I was hesitant, scared of people's judgement, scared of what people will say... Because people have judged (wrongly I must add) and people have said... I wrote an entry in a book yesterday, I felt so free to write anything and everything! But, it felt selfish... I want to share my thoughts and experiences... I just have to be more careful...

Putting that aside, aaahhh, it feels great to be in Ramadhan again. And this year, because of YOG (the only good thing about it in my opinion, after all the hassle it has caused) many if us have 3 weeks of free reign this Ramadhan, whee~!

Anyway, I helped out for awhile at Ghufran this afternoon, packing, carrying, counting the porridge to be given out. It feels good to be doing it again. The first year I was a volunteer at Ghufran, I helped with the packing, not knowing many people smile here smile there don't talk much. Today, 5-6 Ramadhan down the road here I am still! But with a slightly more responsibility. People trust you, and with trust comes responsibility :)

It was nice to see the Spingfield students helping out. I heard that some of them ASKED their teacher to be part of it. Hmm, many might be negative and say, "Alar, just because they want more CIP hours...." but let's give the the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they really want to join in the spirit of helping during Ramadhan :))

This year I felt a renewed purpose for being there packing. As my fingers get red and hot (and sticky) from handling the hot porridge with my bare fingers, I pray that these very fingers would be my witness in the hereafter that eventhough I did not contribute in monetary form, I contributed in terms of effort in making food for people to break fast with (it'am) :))) I was very excited about this fact that I so wanted to share with the Springfield students, but they were all boys, and I was kinda paiseh haha so in the end, I didn't.

Oh, Ramadhan teaches me to talk nicely. HAHA. Cause... other people are fasting too. People are tired and hungry and thirsty, and therefore, they are grumpy.... So you have to smile and talk nicely to them. As the powerpuff girls love to sing "Love love love love love, love love, makes the world go round" hahahaha. So yeah, no matter how bad is the day, smile, be nice and polite... It's a sadaqah anyway ;)

Some people can get pretty unreasonable, volunteer and jemaah alike. Probably they're tired... y'know... What matters is, as long as we are not one of the kind :)

That's pretty much my thoughts for today. Have about 30-45mins more to go before break fast....

I think I shall type out parts of what I wrote in my book yesterday...

Day 0 Ramadhan

Ramadhan... Ramadhan... I wonder how this Ramadhan would be.

Two years ago, I was having internship and my Ramadhan was spent doing my SIP and MP, and because I would usually finish my tasks late, I had to break fast at work or at a mosque near the workplace (TLL, NUS) Sometimes I had to miss my Terawih (I think) as I go in and out of the cold room with my project... Sometimes I would do my own Terawih at home. Or if I have the chance, I would rush to any mosque near there be it Masjid Haji MOhd Salleh (izzit??), Masjid Tentera DiRaja or Masjid Darussalam. Or even Masjid Darul Aman or Masjid Mydin if I was on the train home during break fast. Rarely do I get to go to Ghufran.

Last year too I didn't get to Terawih often at Ghufran because I was staying at hostel and I either have NTUMS Ramadhan meeting or silat at night... So i ended up doing my Terawih in my room on my own, if I had the strength... Or if I could, I encouraged my friends to join the NTUMS Terawih prayers at South Spine.

Ramadhan means alot to me. I so-called 'turned over a new leaf' in Ramadhan in 2006. Or at least it was the point I was introduced to Ghufran's activities, volunteering etc. I started doing many new things that year, including Terawih (if I'm not mistaken) and it was the start of my journey in becoming a better Muslim, and a better person in general. And I want to make sure that every Ramadhan will me become better and better.

I have many goals this Ramadhan. Mainly is to keep what I did last Ramadhan and to UP those where possible. Yeah... And Ghufran dakwah department has prepared a list of ibadah goals that tops my list, yet what's the point of doing them if my heart isn't there. This Ramadhan is a training for my whole self inside and out....

I wonder how this Ramadhan will be for my family. Last year, it wasn't really pleasant, in my opinion. I have many prayers and wishes, mostly concerning my family... May this Ramadhan be better, much much better for my family. I shall keep praying and not lose hope.

Anyway, I had been watching Imam Muda on youtube for the past few days and awww... I'm so kagum of these young men. Haha. Like... woah.... Respect... I pray that, may my jodoh be a true imam (in all aspects) not only for my future family, but also for the community :) Heheh

Oh! It's Maghrib already! May this Ramadhan be a blessed one for me!

Ramadhan is here! Ramadhan is here! Ahlan wa sahlan ya Ramadhan! Alhamdulillah, all praise be to Allah for giving me this opportunity to meet Ramadhan once again.

Tubna ila Allah. Wa raja'na ila Allah. Wa nadimna ya Allah. Wa nadimna ya Allah...

I want to make good use of my Ramadhan. Be well into the spirit of Ramadhan and may I come out of Ramadhan victorious (a better person) or I syahid in it. Either way would be lovely.

I'm currently at Ghufran. Aaaah home sweet home. No matter what people say about this blue mosque, it'll always have a special place in my heart. Ghufran means alot to me.

Darul Ghufran... The meaning of the name itself is already so beautiful. House of forgiveness... May in this house, this Ramadhan, I would be able to do good deeds and be cleansed of my sins.

There's so many people at Ghufran!! While some people find that it is noisy and uncomfortable etc with having so many people, I'm different, I like to see so many people in the House of Allah. It's just so heartwarming...

I received a message from my mum and Fatimah earlier on. It reads:
Salam everyone. My name is SYAABAN. I;m advising you that my neighbour RAMADHAN will be visiting you soon with his wofe REZEKI and two children SAHUR and IFTAAR. They will be accompanied by three grandchildren RAHMAT, BARAKAH and TAUBAT. They will leave after thirty days by EID airlines. Treasure them and you will be blessed. Ramadhan mubarak. May this coming Ramadhan bring lots of NUR in our life. Amin.