Alhamdulillah Camp Xplore 09 - I'm responsible is over... Shagged shagged. There were times when I was impressed with my committee, there were times too that I was disappointed. Twice during the camp I just had to get away to seclude myself to think, or to sort out my thoughts and calm down. Once I cried during the camp, and once after. And if you look back, when the first of the Camp Xplore ‘series’ ended in 2007, I cried and cried and cried, that time was from relief... As for this time round...

During the camp, there was one period when I felt so down and exhausted, but I didn't wanna show it lest it dampens my team's spirits. Sometimes I am so glad for all that training I receive in Titisan, if you get what I mean.

On the first night, I asked one of my mentors (yeah.. while you guys have your respective mentors, I have mine too) what I should be thinking about at this stage. I’ve never been here in this position vice-chair and I haven’t truly understood my role. What exactly does ‘overlook’ stands for??

The answer was a series of questions (as usual... and I’m trying to learn this skill haha). In summary, it is actually what I want to see in the pax and in the committee, and how much I’ve done to ensure it reaches my expectations, and ultimately how do I measure whether it reaches my expectations or not.

With regards to this, I was told that if my team had failed in any way, it is because I have failed to ensure they didn’t fail. That sentence filled my mind throughout the whole camp. Any disappointment I have towards my team only mounts up to the disappointment I have towards myself who had not prevented it. Any wrongs during the camp that happened, I wouldn’t blame my team, but I blamed myself. I was fighting with myself throughout the whole camp to keep cool and maintain composure. Whenever you guys find me missing, that was when I wasn’t able to steady myself and would rather not let any of you see me. My heart bled and it wasn’t easy.

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Anyway apart from the vision and expectations, there's also: what’s next?? Will this stop at the end of the camp?? How do I ensure the pax (though for this camp, I learn, maybe the pax part is not so much of my worry) and the committee, for example, maintain and strengthen the bond that was forged and practice what was learned during the camp... Continuity... Continuity...

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How ‘coincidental’ (if that is even the right word to use) it is that this camp talks about responsibility, y'know. My team and I was not only delivering it to the participants, but we ourselves were trying to understand responsibility better, yes myself included.

I was always reluctant to hold the responsibility of a vice-chair. Last year for Camp Xplore 08, I declined when it was proposed by two people, but this year when it was proposed by the whole Fityan comm., I couldn’t decline it once again, as it seems that they believed in me and it is my responsibility to carry it out.

Sigh... Remember when you guys said you’d be making tags with specific position stated on the tag for the six so-called ‘top’ position in the committee, I was saying it’s ok, I’d rather wear a tag with ‘committee’ printed on it? Or remember when some of the facis asked me what position do I hold in the camp I just kept mum? And Rabeetah, remember when you wrote Vice-chair on my bandanna I snapped abit at you accidentally? Those were because I was still not ready to be in that position... The responsibility seemed too big. The tests I think I’d face were not those I think could handle. The level of patience needed is not one I thought I’d have...

Indeed... Indeed... There were some tests from the committee as a whole, but at least that could be handled by the chairman while I just assist him. But when it comes specifically to the sisters in the committee, it is more of my responsibility than the chairman’s, in my opinion, and I do not think I’ve passed this test. Bearing the responsibility through the tag I wear everywhere also meant tests from other people (the jemaah). I was questioned, and I was put responsible.

You know, I dunno if my mentors tried to test me throughout the camp (actually I noticed there were instances, some questions I was asked were ‘duhhh..’ testing questions – I’m learning, yay -_-) but really, they didn’t have to. Haha.

During kuliah subuh, I listened in as Ust was talking about the fear that should strike your heart when you hear His words. With all that was going through my mind, I really couldn’t take it then. I reflected and I cried my eyes out. If on this earth people are already questioning me and holding me responsible, in the hereafter I would be questioned and held responsible by HIM! I was scared, very very scared. I fear how I would answer for what I am responsible for.

“All of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards and the things under your care”, “If your team fails, it is because you failed”... I reflect and I cry...
Not only am I responsible for my own actions and words, but I am also responsible for ALL that happens and I am responsible for ALL that YOU do too... Will I be able to answer and take responsibility of ALL these?!

Question is: sanggupkah aku?? Sanggupkah aku menanggung semua ini??

This is talking about responsibility...

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After the camp I cried again, for this camp is possibly my last camp for the time being. I can’t be as active as I wanna be after this, sadly... Not many knows yet, but I may be away for at least a year and that is a long time to be away from all these! Within one year anything can happen! Not to mention that within one year, the skills that I pick up would rust and pick up dust and it would be hard to polish them up again. I know I shouldn’t stop, but how?! I’m still thinking and finding for alternatives...

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After the camp I had madrasah exam, gosh was I groggy!! There were times my mind went blank. There were times I dunno what I was writing in mid-sentence and had to read like the whole paragraph again. There were times I lost my train of thoughts and had to read what I was writing over and over again. There were times I shook my head hard to keep the sleepiness away. And there were times I couldn’t take it, I had to take short naps in the exam. There were two papers, both I was like that, both I didn't have wnough time to check and read. After the exam I told ust, "Ust, kalau ade yang Ust baca Ust tak paham, paham2kan ehh."

Yeah, I believe it when my mum keeps scolding me for tiring myself too much as she knows I cannot get tired. I’d really go zoink!

At the same time, how could I sleep when my team is still awake discussing and coming up with solutions? How can I sleep when I know my team is not well rested? How can I sleep when my team is preparing for the camp, which I’m supposed to overlook. Indeed I wasn’t trying to be kaypoh when I join discussions, but simply because it is my responsibility.

Still, I am human, and I can’t stop myself when sleep overcomes me on it’s own. Yet now that I know one of my programmers was awake doing programmes stuff all by herself till 4am in the morning (or later) on the first night and my publicity was awake doing the video montage all by themselves till 4am in the morning (or later), do you think I am glad I had rested at all?? And when the girls missed Subuh prayers berjemaah, who you think I blame?

This came from my heart. This is my story, part of my long journey. I see how my journey has been thus far, how it shapes me, how I've grown.

You have your own story, your own journey too. IF you have reflected.

I hope the purpose that you have, is the same as the one that I have though.