I am very very scared of getting a D or failing my SIP/MP component. That would mean that I won't get to graduate.

If it's just me I have to face and answer to, I'm sure I'll come to terms with it soon enough.

But.

Expectations. Parents. Family. Big family. Friends.

I can never be ready to face and answer them.

My family name is at stake. That is what my diploma means to me.

I used to think the name of Islam is at stake too. But then again, I gave up last year. I know I can't bring up the name of Islam. My grades were plunging down a very steep cliff.

I dunno what really happened in Mar/Apr 2007. Soon after I started my Sem 2.1, I noticed I'd changed. Wrong priorities. Wrong decisions. Always late for class (at least 10-15mins ehk). Dozing off during lectures, and even tutorials. Keep handing in assignments last minute or late. So messy and disorganized, papers everywhere, crumpled, torn, wrinkled. Not contributing much during group discussions etc etc. I changed for the worst. And I'm the most disappointed in myself.

I used to complete all my homework early (slacked in sec sch but changed in poly). I can never forget in pri 2, I actually cried cos I couldn't finish my work in class, when in actual the work can be continued at home. In sec sch, I am hardly ever late. Always early. sometimes I'd reach as early as 6.50. Poly Year 1 was the same. Never late for lectures or tutorials. Never sleep in class except once in Maths class (sec). And I used to have my books and notes worn out from opening them alot, but more or less straight and in good condition.

Totally disappointed in myself. Gosh, I can't stand myself! I want to change back! I never wanted to be a bad student. No intention at all...

I dunno... What happened to me? Where is that A for attitude student?? (I know I hardly scored many A onwards since pri 2 afterwhich I had to transfer to a new school).

There's like a lump, which felt like a very heavy stone that just settled in my heart.

I just noticed. My MP report format is all wrong!!! I didn't realise... What should I do??

And my workbook, haiz...

Poster Presentation next Tuesday, meaning by hook or by crook I must finish it by Monday so I can print it, and it takes like one whole day to print ehk.

I just started the poster. Only got title in so far -_-

Feel like crying, but these days no tears seem to wetting my eyes, except when I yawn in sleepiness, which is alot...

I dunno what to do. PASRAH!!! Doa, doa and teus berdoa... I'm in need of MAJOR help.

I just realised.

The big painful ulcer in my mouth could be the answer to my prayer!

I asked to be able to stay up the whole of tonight and throughout tomorrow to finish my report.

I think I can, now with this painful ulcer, I probably can't sleep. Can't even lie on the area.

Style eh, hehe.

But at the same time, the pain kinda slows down my thinking too uh. Extra stress on the brain.

Oh well, you got what you asked for Marl, sort of.

Everything will be over tmr night insyaAllah, and I'll be left with poster. Do pray that everything rns smoothly for me yeah?

I still can't bring myself to read the research materials I have to do the intro. I have yet to feel the pressure. Still dwelling on M&M and Results. Slow huh? I know.

And I don't dare apply for uni yet. Maybe after I pray. I now NTU offers 5 choices. Which 5 should I try? NUS, never states. NUS, I'm trying for the sake of trying.

Nak masuk uni pon pe susah... Why can't anyone who wants to study be allowed to study? Why do only the best of the geniuses get to study?

Ok fine you can study elsewhere, but you see, it is not the geniuses who needs the best education, but the lesser ones who actually need them more.

You know what? I'm just ranting and lamenting. Bak kata org Indonesi, "Meningan kita buat apa yang bisa dan perlu kita buat dulu aja sih!" Which means, back to report...

I'm missing my madrasah for this report. Better make full use of the 3hrs. should go have lunch first.

Oh, hooray! I lost weight! No I'm not obsessed with losing weight, but yea it just makes you feel happier. It's a girls' thing. And I'm as much of a girl as any girl is hehe. Hardly any tomboy blood in me. Ok larh, got larh... but..

Hey, don't waste time la Marl can??

I have no idea what is with me and Spain.

A few days go I dreamt of planning a kids camp to Spain.

Today, my dad sang Ungu's Andai Ku Tahu song in an unknown language (oh it's normal) and I exclaimed witthout thought, "Since when did you learn Spanish?)